Team Jon: All is Fair in Love and War [5/7]
The Strip



* * *

After Spencer left, Brendon spent a couple minutes, actually closer to an hour, thinking about everything he had said. His mind was swirling with the crazy events of the past several weeks, a flurry of anger and stupidity and loneliness. He thought of Keltie and how she deserved so much better than his fake affections, and he thought of Spencer and how even though he still kind of scared Brendon, he was a good guy. And he thought of Ryan. He thought of Ryan and how much he wished he had never caused him so much pain, and how much he hoped that he could make things better.

Brendon thought about Ryan and how they had been together for a year. He could remember all the passionate nights and all the lazy mornings. He could remember every kiss, every touch and caress, every whispered sentiment. And suddenly, as he thought about all those times together, how much Ryan really meant to him, Brendon understood. He understood what Ryan had been saying weeks earlier about how a relationship couldn’t work just for two people. He understood why Ryan wanted to be more. He understood it, because he realized that he wanted it too.

All at once, Brendon knew what he had to do. Without any further thought, he pulled himself up off of the couch and left his dressing room, closing his door with a firm confidence, thinking to himself that the next time he would walk through that doorway he would have everything sorted out.

Brendon made his way quickly down the hallway to Ryan’s dressing room, and his heart was beating so, so fast. It was crazy, he knew it, but Brendon couldn’t help but feel like he was in a movie, the final scene where the stupid, ignorant boy finally realized his mistakes and rushed off to make everything right, closing the curtain on a heated and promising kiss.

A smile made its way to his face, and Brendon walked faster down the hallway. He knew exactly what he was going to do. The show didn’t matter anymore, nothing mattered but Ryan, and Brendon was going to make sure that Ryan knew that. Brendon was going to make sure that Ryan knew that he was in it for real this time, for the long run.

He was nervous, certainly, but he had hope. Spencer’s words had given him the confidence he needed. He knew that Ryan would be mad about the whole outing thing, but Spencer had said that Ryan still talked about him, still thought about him, still loved him.

Brendon didn’t hesitate to knock on the door to Ryan’s dressing room, and for the first time in what seemed like forever, someone other than Spencer Smith was on the other side of the door when it opened.

“Ryan,” Brendon breathed out, and it was obvious that Ryan wasn’t expecting to see Brendon. His eyes opened up wide in surprise, and after a moment, Brendon could see the lines in his face harden, and he moved quickly to offset his anger. “Look, I know that you’re probably pretty upset about what’s happened lately, but I just talked to Spencer and I-”

Ryan interrupted him. “Pretty upset? Pretty upset? Do you even know what you’ve done, Brendon? Do you understand that you’ve completely betrayed my trust and fucking sold me out to the highest bidder?”

Brendon scrambled to explain himself, but just when he opened his mouth, another person interrupted him. No, this wasn’t turning out to be anything like that imaginary movie moment.

“Hey, guys.”

When Brendon turned, he could see Zack walking down the hallway, and his face held little of its usual good humor.

“I guess you guys have heard about the impromptu meeting, huh?” Zack asked, taking in both Ryan’s angry expression and Brendon’s look of turmoil. “I fucking hate all this shit that’s going down,” he said, and Ryan looked away, embarrassed, even though no one mentioned anything about the newest gossip. “Stupid producers.” Zack sighed, but then he pulled Ryan out of the doorway by the wrist and started down the hallway. “Come on,” he yelled over his shoulder to Brendon.

Brendon didn’t know what else he could do, so he followed.

They set off down the hallway to the conference room. Zack continued on talking about how it was such bullshit that the network was trying to scare them every week, but Brendon paid little attention. He kept his eyes firmly planted on Ryan’s face trying to get the other boy to look at him. Ryan stared definitely ahead, no doubt aware of Brendon at his side, but ignoring his presence.

Zack either had no idea of the tension between Brendon and Ryan, or he was just being incredibly amazing, because he didn’t bring up any of the recent drama or gossip, just tried to fill the tense silence with mindless rambling.

When they reached the conference room, Ryan quickly skirted from Zack’s side and sat down next to Spencer, who rose an eyebrow up at Brendon upon seeing him and Ryan enter the room together. Brendon shook his head gloomily and took a seat down next to Shane.

“You alright there?” Shane asked.

Brendon grunted a response, though he was eternally grateful that Shane didn’t bring up the whole Ryan being publically outed by him thing, even though he knew that Shane definitely knew that he was behind it. Sometimes, Brendon loved his friends so much. They put up with his stupidity for reasons that Brendon couldn’t understand but could definitely appreciate.

“So what’s this all about?” Brendon asked Shane.

Shane shrugged. “Last-minute meeting the producers wanted to have. I don’t know. Chances are, though, the way things have been going around here lately, it won’t be good.”

“Of course it won’t,” Brendon said. It figured that after a brief shining moment of hope, everything would once again come crashing down. He clunked his head down on the table. “Kill me now,” he groaned pitifully to Shane, who laughed.

A cool, soft hand massaged the tense back of his neck, but it did little to relax Brendon.

“Don’t worry, baby,” Keltie said, appearing as if out of nowhere. “Everything’s going to be fine.” She took a seat next to Brendon and leaned in close to him.

From across the way, Brendon could see Ryan and Spencer arguing. Spencer was talking wildly, but lowly, and was using his hands a great deal. Ryan was shaking his head defiantly, and Brendon let his head fall back down to rest against his forearms. He figured it didn’t really matter if Spencer was on his side, or kind of on his side, if Ryan wouldn’t listen to him either.

“Are we doing something tonight, Bren?” Keltie asked him, and the knot in Brendon’s stomach grew tighter.

He nodded. “Sure. I’ll come over around seven” he said, and he tried to ignore the smile that Keltie gave him.

He knew that if he was going to get Ryan to forgive him, he would have to end things with Keltie. He would have to be honest with her, tell her the whole truth. Lying to Keltie had been part of the reason that Ryan had been mad at Brendon to begin with. Brendon needed to prove to Ryan that he wasn’t ashamed of him or their relationship. He needed to put himself out on the line not just for Ryan, but for everyone, starting with Keltie.

The door to the conference room opened, and Brendon watched as the producers filed in the room. They were followed by a man who Brendon knew was the head of the network. Shit.

This time, Jon didn’t give Brendon a reassuring smile as he passed by, and Brendon grew more nervous. For some reason, he stopped behind Spencer and whispered something into his ear. Brendon watched as Spencer stopped a smile from sprouting on his face as he nodded to something Jon said.

Ryan didn’t seem to be paying any attention to the conversation between Jon and Spencer, until Jon said something to him. Brendon could see Ryan’s small nod, and Jon made his way up to the head of the room.

Patrick situated himself at the head of the conference table and the network head sat at his right side. Jon sat to Patrick’s left, and immediately, started ruffling through papers to make himself seem busy.

“I’m sure that many of you have an idea why we called this meeting today,” Patrick said, and Brendon looked nervously over at Ryan, who was looking down, writing something in one of his many notebooks, but Brendon could tell that he was paying attention and carefully listening to each word.

“When we last talked to you all, I told you that ratings had fallen and that if we didn’t see an improvement, further measures would have to be taken.” Patrick took a deep breath but continued on. “Unfortunately, ratings haven’t increased enough for the liking of our sponsors, and the network feels that the show may need to be revamped a little bit in order to regain the public’s interest.”

“We’ve taken many different possibilities into consideration, and I assure you that this problem has been discussed at length by both the producers and the heads of the network individually and together. There will be changes on the show. Unfortunately, some of these changes will affect cast members directly and some of you will not be asked to renew your contracts at the end of the week. I know that some of you knew that this situation was a possibility, and so I sincerely hope that you have other plans on which to fall back on.”

Even though Brendon knew that what Patrick was saying could happen, was probably going to happen, he never actually expected things to get so bad. He was sure that the him and Keltie thing must have caused some increase in ratings, and maybe in the back of his mind, it was how he justified it to himself, thinking that he was saving not only himself but Ryan as well.

Around the table, the faces of his cast mates were all the same, a mixture of panic and worry, each person most likely assuming the worst and not daring to hope for the best. Next to him, Keltie painfully grabbed Brendon’s hand under the table but he barely noticed. His attention was solely focused on Ryan’s hunched shoulders and guarded eyes, and Brendon knew that Ryan had given up, surrendered himself to the situation.

“I want to thank you all for your hard work on the show. We will be in touch with each one of you individually to go over your future at the network,” Patrick said, but his words did little to assuage the cast members’ anxiety. “That’s everything. Thank you.”

Some people, like Keltie, made their way out of the conference room as quickly as they could, but Brendon ignored her pulling hand and stayed behind, eyes still focused on Ryan. The conference room emptied out quickly, and soon it was only him, Ryan, and the harsh line of producers left. Brendon stood up from his chair and went over to talk to Ryan but Jon’s voice stopped him.

“Brendon, we’ve asked Ryan to stay after so we could talk to him. Would you mind giving us a minute?”

“I’d like to stay,” Brendon said. “I want to talk to you all.”

“Brendon,” Jon asserted. “You can have your say after we talk to Ryan.” His words were firm, and Brendon could see in Jon’s eyes that he was afraid that Brendon was about to do something stupid. He could always read him so well.

“No.” Brendon shook his head, and still Ryan didn’t look up. His head was bent down and he didn’t look up, but when he spoke, his words were steady.

“Just go, Brendon.”

Brendon stared down at him and looked back up to the row of producers. He nodded. “Fine,” he said, “but I’ll be waiting for you outside. We still have to talk.”

Ryan didn’t respond, and Brendon left the conference room, heart pounding, and ears ringing, trying desperately to make out what was being said inside, but dreading what he might hear.

* * *

Brendon checked his cell phone obsessively every couple of seconds while Ryan was in talking with the producers. It seemed like forever, but every time that Brendon checked his phone, not even a minute had passed since the last glance.

The door was surprisingly thick, and Brendon couldn’t hear anything from the other side. He briefly thought about the many times that he and Ryan would mess around in one of their dressing rooms, and took comfort in the fact that he couldn’t even hear a murmur through the door, if only for the fact that it meant that no one could have ever heard some of the more embarrassing noises that he had occasionally made.

He checked his phone again. It had been six minutes since he had left Ryan alone in the conference room with the producers lined up together at the head of the table like a firing squad. Brendon didn’t want to allow himself to think what they were probably talking about, but his mind wandered there nevertheless.

Of course, it had been what he had been working towards for nearly three weeks. Every move that he had made had been deliberately executed so that this moment would happen, but now that Brendon was sitting outside of the room where Ryan Ross was most likely being told that he no longer had a job, Brendon was filled with anxiety and regret, not satisfaction.

He could see it all play out before him in his mind. Ryan would be calm, of course he would be, but if one could look past his expressionless exterior, like Brendon could, they would be able to tell that he was breaking.

The Strip had been a turning point in Ryan’s life as well, just like it had been for Brendon’s. Brendon could remember, late one night when they laid together, sheets tangled haphazardly around limbs, Ryan telling him about his life before he got the job. About his shitty apartment with the faucet that spilled out murky brown water. About how his dad, miles behind him but only a phone call away, would call him sometimes at night, drunk and angry, lonely, and ask his son for money that Ryan didn’t have. Brendon knew that acting had never been Ryan’s dream, but it had been something that he was good at, something that could take him somewhere worth going.

Ryan had always told him that the show was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He had always told Brendon that The Strip brought him money and recognition and fuck all else, but it had brought them together.

At that moment, sitting with his knees pulled tight to him as he waited outside the conference room door for Ryan, Brendon could hear Ryan’s voice in his mind, more timid than he had ever heard before, that night when had said those words. He could hear the words echoing around him, and Brendon could remember how scared he had been at the time when Ryan said it, how he didn’t know how to respond and so he had kissed him instead, silencing any further words with the harsh press of lips. At the time, Brendon didn’t have the words, and now he only hoped that Ryan would forgive him enough so that he could finally tell him now that he did.

The door opened, and Brendon stood up so quickly that his cell phone dropped to the floor from his lap. He didn’t pay it any attention, and instead, waited for Ryan to walk through the door.

The first figure that came through, however, was most certainly not Ryan. It was the head of the network and he bustled out of the room, not even casting a sideways glance at Brendon before he headed down the hall. A line of producers came next, and though some of them made eye contact, it was always brief and their eyes quickly averted. Patrick gave him a small nod upon passing, and Jon stopped, letting the other producers file down the hallway before he put a strong hand on Brendon’s shoulder.

“Did you?” Brendon asked, hoping that Jon understood from those two words alone. He didn’t know if he would be able to manage actually putting the entire sentence together.

Jon nodded, and his grip on Brendon’s shoulder tightened. “At least it wasn’t you.”

Brendon knew that Jon wasn’t trying to be cruel, but at that moment, his words cut through him and he pulled away from Jon’s touch.

“I can’t believe I did this,” he said, and his nerves were back. “I can’t believe I let you and Pete talk me into this.

“Someone had to go,” Jon reasoned, but Brendon shook his head and he felt ill, physically sick with guilt.

“Just stop, Jon. Stop. I know that you were only looking out for me and everything, but I’ve just ruined everything, and I really, really don’t want to think about how lucky I am right now.” Brendon took a deep breath. “He’s still in there?” he asked, even though he knew that he was. Brendon would have seen Ryan if he had left, and he could almost feel him in there, only a surprisingly soundproof wall between them.

There was sympathy evident now on Jon’s face, and it comforted Brendon a little to know that he wasn’t the only one hurting for Ryan, for what they had done. Brendon wondered for a moment if it had been there all along, since the second that Jon had walked out of the room and he had just been too wrapped up in his own emotions to see it.

“Yeah,” Jon told him. He looked like he wanted to say something else to Brendon, maybe apologize, but he kept his mouth shut and settled for a pat on the back as he left, leaving Brendon alone to talk with Ryan.

From the side of the door, when he looked into the room, Brendon could only see a small sliver of the inside. He could see the bland white wall and a fake green plant in the corner. He could see the edges of a few chairs and part of the table, but when he walked through the door, all he could see was Ryan.

Ryan was still sitting in the same seat that he had been during the meeting and his notebook was still open in front of him, but Ryan’s hands weren’t wrapped around a pen, but were folded together to cup his fallen head. Brendon took in the sloping curve of Ryan’s back and how it screamed out to him. Defeat.

He closed the door behind him and Ryan’s head jerked up at the noise of the loud click. Brendon could see Ryan’s body tense when he saw him by the door, hand still circled around the knob.

The room was quiet, a charged kind of silence, and Brendon didn’t want to be the first to speak, but he didn’t want Ryan to say anything before he could explain either, so he pushed down his anxiety and cleared his throat. “I wish I could take it back.”

Ryan didn’t say anything and looked back down, away from Brendon, to rest his eyes on the open, blank pages of his notebook. Brendon didn’t know how to take Ryan’s silence, but he figured that the lack of yelling was a positive sign, and so he ventured forward slowly, walking cautiously until he reached the chair next to Ryan. He slid into it without taking his eyes off of Ryan.

“I wish that I had never gotten so mad at you that I made that phone call to Pete,” he said. “You trusted me and I betrayed you. I wish I hadn’t done it.”

Brendon watched as Ryan grew more and more tense, but he didn’t respond to Brendon and so he continued.

“I wish that I had never gotten involved with Keltie. I wish that I had never kissed her in front of you, or in front of anyone for that matter. I wish that I never lead her on.”

Still there was no response from Ryan. Brendon leaned closer, and this time when he spoke, the desperation and regret was so evident that it was almost dripping from every word.

“I wish that I had never let Pete and Jon convince me that you were trying to get me fired. I knew that you would never do that. I know that you would never do that, but I was scared and hurt and stupid.”

Brendon could see Ryan flex his fingers, he could hear each bone crack, but it was the only noise from the other boy.

“I wish that I had never gone over to Keltie’s that night, and even if I did, I wish that I told her about you. I wish that I had told everyone about you. About us, because I don’t want you to think that I was ashamed of what we had or that I wasn’t happy because I was.”

Brendon’s throat was tight but he knew that he needed to get the words out. He needed for Ryan to know.

“I was so fucking happy with you, Ryan, and I just wish that we could go back to the way things were.”

When Ryan spoke, his voice was quiet. It was low and calm and eerily strong. “Stop it.” He looked up at Brendon, and now that they were face-to-face, Brendon could see the red rimming Ryan’s eyes. “Don’t come here and apologize, Brendon. You got everything that you wanted. The show is all yours again.”

Brendon opened his mouth to object, but now that Ryan started talking, it seemed that he wasn’t going to allow any interruptions.

“The sad thing is, Brendon, I would have just let you have it. I would have backed down because I know that you want it more than me. You have no idea how difficult this has all been for me. I would have given you everything, and you tried to take everything away from me.”

Brendon was watching Ryan break down before his eyes, and it was like a surreal episode of The Strip, one where he couldn’t call cut or change the channel, just watch Ryan’s eyes well up and redden.

“And you can’t apologize and think that everything’s going to be alright. It’s not alright. Even if the last three weeks hadn’t happened, things still wouldn’t be alright. I can’t be with someone who puts more thought into making himself happy than making a relationship work.”

“But I was willing to give it up for you, to bring you back to me,” Brendon finally interrupted. “I wanted to talk to the producers and tell them that you deserved to stay.”

Ryan gave a harsh, choking laugh, and Brendon could see the first tears start to fall. “You say that now when it’s too late. You’re always too late, Brendon.”

“Am I?” Brendon asked, and he laid his hands gently overtop of Ryan’s. “Am I too late for us? I’m ready, Ryan. I’m finally ready for you. I can be what you want now.”

Ryan slid his hands out from underneath Brendon’s. “You always were,” he said sadly. “You were always what I wanted, but I’m not what you want. I’m not enough for you and I never will be.”

“Yes, you are,” Brendon assured him, and he could feel his own eyes begin to water. “Ryan, you’re everything to me. I know that I’ve been stupid lately and I’ve done terrible things, and you shouldn’t forgive me, but I’m still going to ask you to. Because you’re a better person than me and you make me a better person.” Brendon’s voice cracked. “You make me worth something.”

“Don’t say things like that, Brendon. You sound like you’re reading from a fucking script,” Ryan said, and Brendon could hear the anger infusing in his voice. “This isn’t you. You don’t feel like this. You’re Brendon Urie. You know that you’re worth something and you don’t feel like this.”

Ryan’s words were harsh and came out so easily that Brendon wondered how long Ryan had felt that way. He wondered how Ryan could have been so blind to Brendon’s insecurities, his reliance on the other boy. To the media, Brendon knew that he came off as cocky and sure of himself, but he thought that Ryan knew better. He thought that Ryan could see past it all.

“This is me,” Brendon said earnestly and just a little bit desperately. He needed for Ryan to understand. “Ryan, you know that what I’m saying is true because you’re the only person who brings it out in me. You’re the only person who allows me to really be myself. I’m trying to be as honest and direct as I can be. I’m laying it all out on the line now. For you. I want to be with you.” Brendon was almost begging, but he didn’t care. Not if Ryan would take him back. “Tell me what I have to do to be with you.”

“You say these things now, Brendon, but I know that everything will just go back to how it was. I’ll go back to being your secret. Everything will be closed doors and hushed secrets again and I don’t think I can do it anymore,” Ryan said sadly.

“No, it won’t. I’ll be different this time,” Brendon promised, but it was too late. Ryan picked up his notebook and got up out of his chair.

He walked across the room and opened the door. Ryan turned over his shoulder and saw Brendon’s pleading face. “I wish I believed that,” he said, and then he was out the door.


* * *

Every time that Brendon had been in Keltie’s apartment in the past three weeks, it was always spotless. Always clean. It reminded Brendon a little bit of the house he grew up in, the one where every accidental spill meant a five minute lecture and the backside of his mother’s hand.

Brendon’s own apartment was far from immaculate. It wasn’t dirty by any means, but he found comfort in the small piles of clothes at the side of his bed or the stack of dvds on the coffee table. It made the place look lived in.

Standing in the doorway of Keltie’s apartment, only hours after his conversation with Ryan, the vacuum-lined carpet and the pine fresh scent didn’t comfort Brendon, but only made his stomach knot up. Keltie had opened the door and had told Brendon to make himself comfortable while she went and got some snacks, but he still hadn’t made it past the doorway.

In the past three weeks of their dating, Brendon had learned a lot about Keltie Colleen. She was a secret southerner who couldn’t quite get rid of old habits. Whenever Brendon came over, she pampered him with food and drink, and sometimes, if Brendon listened carefully enough, he could hear the slight diphthong in her vowels, long, drawn out, and telling.

Despite what he had heard about those born and bred in the Bible Belt, Brendon had never heard Keltie say a bad word about anyone; he had never even heard her say “bless her heart” to soften the blow of a particularly nasty insult. She was genuinely nice. Brendon knew that Keltie was something special, but he also knew that she wasn’t the one for him.

He walked towards the couch and sat down, fingers restlessly tapping.

While things with Ryan hadn’t gone exactly according to plan, in fact, Brendon would go as far to say that it was quite the disaster, he still had hope. Brendon knew that Ryan was stubborn and he knew that he had hurt him. Of course, Ryan wasn’t going to accept Brendon’s apology easily. Of course, he would be wary and hesitant to trust Brendon again, but Brendon had faith that Ryan would come around. He still had faith in them.

Keltie came out with a platter of cheese and crackers with two glasses of red wine placed on either side of the tray. Brendon was nervous about telling her the truth. He really did care for her. The past three weeks had made them close, made them friends, and Brendon hoped that he wouldn’t lose her.

He was willing to, though. If it meant getting Ryan back, he would chance it.

Brendon waited until Keltie had sat down beside him. He grabbed one of the glasses of wine and took a large gulp. He was nervous, but he had grown pretty used to people yelling at him lately, so he knew that he could handle the situation well enough.

“Listen, Keltie. I need to tell you something,” Brendon said, and when he put down the glass of wine, it bumped against one of the small crystal bowls of cheese due to his shaking hand.

This was it. He had told people about Ryan and him before, but this was different. He knew that it was. Keltie wasn’t Shane, or Jon, or even Pete. She would have every reason to be mad at Brendon. He had used her.

One of Keltie’s cool hands slipped overtop of Brendon’s shaking one, and she smoothed her thumb against his palm. “Are you okay, Bren?” she asked with such concern in her voice that Brendon began to feel worse.

He was an asshole. The biggest asshole ever. He hurt the people he cared about and expected them to let him get away with it.

Keltie’s brow was furrowed and her eyes were searching. Brendon took a deep breath and decided to plunge right in. If he didn’t do it now, he knew that he never would, and if he wanted any chance at getting Ryan back, he needed to do this now.

“I’ve been an asshole,” he told Keltie, deciding to start with a disclaimer. Keltie opened her mouth, as if to object, but Brendon pulled his hand from her grasp and held it up silencing her and he nodded. “Yes, I have been. I just want you to know that what I did, I did because I was stupid and hurt, and if I could, I would take it all back.”

“What are you talking about, Brendon?”

He didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to progress. Brendon knew what he wanted to tell her, what he needed to tell her. He needed to say that he was sorry that he used her so that he wouldn’t get fired. He needed to tell her that he cared about her, but only as a friend. He needed to tell her about Ryan.

“I don’t know how to do this, but I like you, Keltie, I really do, and I want to be completely honest with you. You deserve that much, and I just hope that after all this that we can be friends.”

Keltie frowned and backed away from Brendon a little bit on the couch. “Bren, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?”

“I like you a lot… just not romantically. I was using you so that I wouldn’t be fired from the show and Ryan would because I was mad at him because he broke up with me. But I’ve realized that I was stupid and selfish and that I’ve hurt people that I care about. I hurt you and I hurt Ryan, and that’s not okay, because you’re amazing and Ryan…. He’s… He’s everything to me.” The words spilled quickly out of Brendon’s mouth, and once he started talking, his mind went blissfully blank and so he just let the words flow.

“What?” Keltie’s mouth was open in shock and her eyes were wide. She was clearly still trying to process everything that Brendon had just said.

Brendon knew that he probably hadn’t broken the news to her in the best way, but he was honest. His words were honest and not carefully planned out. There was no script. There were no lies. It was just Brendon, and if it was a little bit jumbled, well, that was just Brendon too.

“What part what?” Brendon asked Keltie, a little bit guarded, fully aware that at any moment she may start shouting. “There was kind of a lot I said there.”

She nodded. “Yes. Yes, there certainly was.” She reached for the glass of wine and took a sip. A big sip, and her lips didn’t leave the rim of the glass until the full contents were gone. She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose, taking a second, and then she peeked an eye up at Brendon. “So, you’re gay?”

“Um…” Brendon stared at her, fumbling for the words, and he almost jumped off the couch in surprise when Keltie let out a great bark of laughter. “Keltie?”

The laugh, which started out loud and stilted, grew into an almost hysterical giggle and Brendon reached out a hand towards her.

“Are you okay?”

She took great big heaving breaths between the spattered laughter. “It’s just so funny,” she said. “I feel like we’re on the fucking show.”

Brendon just continued to stare at her as her laughter died down. Eventually, the tiny giggles stopped.

“Okay,” she said, and she took a deep breath, evening out her still somewhat shaking voice. “So, let me get this straight. You’re gay and were with Ryan, but he broke up with you, and to get back at him and to keep your place on The Strip, you started dating me because you knew that I liked you and you thought it would be good for ratings. Right?” As her talking progressed, all the humor died out of Keltie’s voice, but her words weren’t mean or harsh, just disbelieving.

Still, hearing her say it, Brendon felt like an even bigger asshole. “Um, yeah. Right.”

Keltie nodded and seemed to be considering something. Brendon was afraid of what she would do next. In his mind, he envisioned the wine glass being thrown at him, and he already was formulating which way he would throw himself to miss the flying shards of glass. “Are you like gay or bi or what?”

Brendon blanched. He certainly wasn’t expecting that. “What?”

“You said you were with Ryan. Like, does that mean that you’re gay? You did mean like with him with him, right?”

“Well,” Brendon said, scratching the back of his head. He didn’t know if this would ever get easier. “I was with him. For a while. And then I fucked everything up, but I hope to be with him again. It’s kind of why I’m telling you all this.”

“How long?”

“Over a year,” Brendon told her. “Well, we were messing around for over a year, but now it’s more than that.” At least, it was. To Brendon it still was, and hopefully for Ryan it could be that way once again.

Keltie nodded. “Oh,” she said and she picked up the tray and headed towards the kitchen.

Brendon watched her go incredulously. “Aren’t you mad?”

He heard Keltie set down the tray in the kitchen, though he was happy to note that it wasn’t slammed down, and she came back out into the living room. “Of course I’m mad. You were a jerk, but do you honestly think that you’re that great of an actor, Brendon?”

Keltie shook her head, and when Brendon met her stare, he was surprised to see sympathy shining back at him.

“You may have been smiling, and you may have pretended to be happy, but, Brendon, you’ve been miserable the last couple of weeks. You’ve been quiet, and I would always catch you staring at Ryan.”

He blushed a little at that comment. Brendon thought that he had hid his emotions well, but apparently, he hadn’t been as apathetic as he had tried to appear.

“It sucks what you did, but it’s Hollywood,” Keltie continued, “and if I were to blow up at you, I would just be a hypocrite.”

Hypocrite. Wait, what? Confusion set in. “Huh?”

“Don’t get me wrong,” Keltie said, and now she was the one who looked a little guilty. “I really do like you. At first, I only agreed because you were really hot and, really, that doesn’t hurt.”

Brendon was partly flattered, but still mostly confused. “Agreed to what?”

“Well, we’re probably actually in very similar situations. I heard the show was suffering, and so I took some precautions to save my own job.” Keltie’s words were very matter-of-fact, but she did seem a little bit apologetic, and Brendon knew that she probably had felt as bad about what she did as Brendon had been feeling. “My manager thought it would be beneficial if you and I were seen around town together. She figured that they wouldn’t fire either of us if we were a couple. And at first, when you didn’t go along with it, I was sort of relieved because I felt bad about the whole thing, but then you asked me out, so I figured that I might as well.”

“But when the producers told us about the ratings you seemed so surprised, and you never- I mean, you always-” Brendon didn’t know what to say. Shock would be an understatement. Apparently, Pete was right again: Hollywood made people do things you wouldn’t expect.

“I’m an actor too, Bren,” Keltie reminded. “And yeah, I’m pissed that you used me, but I used you too, so I guess we’re pretty even.”

And in some messed up way, they were, Brendon realized.

“So, we can stop pretend-dating now?” he asked.

Keltie laughed, and it wasn’t like the one previous, but was one of her real laughs, the one that Brendon had grown used to hearing in their time together. “Yeah, I think that would be best considering you’re in love with a guy.”

Brendon’s stomach flopped at her statement. “So, yeah, end of fake relationship then.”

“You know, Brendon. Even though we’re not dating anymore, and I guess we never really were, I just wanted to tell you that you’re not as stuck up as you seem.” Keltie smiled at him. “You’re actually a really great guy.”

“Thanks, I guess.”

Keltie laughed again and ruffled Brendon’s hair. “So, how are we gonna win Ryan back?” She clapped her hands together and grinned as she leaned forward. “Maybe you could hold a stereo above your head and go to his apartment,” she mused.
Brendon gave her a twisted smile. “I don’t think that’ll be enough,” he admitted. “I kind of messed things up really badly.”

“Well, we’ll think of something,” Keltie promised. “I wasn’t blind, you know. It’s not like everyone couldn’t see that there was something going on between the two of you. A spark, you know?”

He did know. “I just hope that he forgives me,” he said, suddenly feeling more vulnerable than he had in a long while. “I need him to forgive me,” he told Keltie. “I need him.”

Keltie nodded and pulled Brendon towards her, allowing him to rest his head against her shoulder. “I know. Don’t worry. He needs you too.”

* * *

In all of the craziness, Brendon had almost forgotten about The Emmys.

That is, he would have if Pete hadn’t called him five times already that morning to remind him that tomorrow was important, and he should probably consider getting a haircut.

While Brendon made generally agreeable noises into the cell, he had no intention of cutting his hair, but he figured that Pete could deal with that later. Brendon had enough to worry about. Like how Ryan still hated him or where Jon had hidden the remote control so he could turn the fucking channel.

“I can’t believe that Keltie wasn’t pissed off at you,” Jon said from where he was lounging next to Brendon on the couch, disbelieving still, even though he must have repeated that statement three times in the last five minutes. “How come everything always works out for you?”

“Not everything,” Brendon muttered under his breath, and it was true: everything didn’t always work out perfectly for him. Take, for instance, now, when his heart was still aching, his spirits were still low, because of Ryan. Well, because of the lack of Ryan, to be more specific. Plus, he still couldn’t find the damn remote, and Brendon was not a fan of Spanish soap operas, no matter how much better they made him feel about his own show.

Jon frowned sympathetically, but he burrowed back further against the corner of the couch. Definitely where he hid the remote. “Hey, don’t get all emo on me. You’re going to win an Emmy tomorrow and Keltie doesn’t hate you even though you were a complete bastard.”

“Hey!” Brendon objected. “That stupid fake-dating plan was all your idea.”

“Was it?” Jon asked innocently. “Well, then, of course, it ended well. My ideas always do. Like today. Isn’t today fucking awesome?”

Brendon had to agree that so far, despite everything going on, the day had been pretty fucking awesome. They had been sitting around Brendon’s apartment for most of the morning, doing little more than flipping through television channels and eating microwaveable bagel pizzas.

After telling Jon everything that had happened the day before, Jon had decided that the two of them needed some good old-fashion guy bonding time. Good old-fashion guy bonding time turned out to be eating way too many carbs (Pete would be furious) and watching telenovelas that Brendon didn’t follow (and it was because of more than the fact that he didn’t speak Spanish).

Still, Brendon was thankful that Jon was there, spending time with him, trying to get his mind off of how truly messed up his personal life had become. Plus, Jon always provided entertainment.

“What about that time you changed Pete’s cell phone language setting to Turkish and then he accidently spilled tomato juice on your new Armani shirt?”

“Well,” Jon conceded, “most of my ideas end well.”

Brendon smiled, getting into it now. “What about the time that you told Pete’s girlfriend that he had genital warts and he-”

“Alright!” Jon interrupted. “I get it. We really don’t need to relive that memory. But in any case, this plan worked. You should thank me.”

“No wonder Pete hates you.” Brendon smirked. “I’ve never seen it until now, but Pete is just the poor, unsuspecting victim in your relationship.”

Jon gaped at Brendon. “Oh, come on. That’s not true.”

Brendon shrugged at Jon and he shook a chastising finger at him. “You’re just mean, Jon Walker. That’s what you are.”

He took advantage of Jon’s shock and dove towards the space between Jon’s back and the sofa, stuffing his hand down and crowing triumphantly when his hand hit something hard and plastic. He pulled out the remote and stuck his tongue out at Jon before he changed the channel to Comedy Central, which was thankfully playing South Park.

He moved down on the couch, away from Jon, and placed a couple of pillows between them as a defensive wall. Jon eyed the pillows for a second, but then shrugged. He pushed the pile closer to Brendon and used the tower as a headrest.

“Hey, not fair,” Brendon said. He was now pushed up against the armrest of the couch with very little room. “Stop hogging the couch!”

Jon didn’t move, so Brendon yanked one of the pillows out from underneath his head, causing Jon’s neck to whip back and his arms to comically reach out for some invisible guard rail.

Brendon lifted the pillow he had above his head ready to bring it down mercilessly and swiftly upon Jon, when a knock on the front door of his apartment distracted him. He turned his head towards the door right as Jon regained his balance and swung one of the heavy pillows into his stomach, so the “Coming” that he yelled out sounded a little bit breathless.

Jon raised his eyebrow up comically, but Brendon simply flicked him off as he went to open the door.

“Spencer,” he said, and he couldn’t even pretend to be surprised. It always seemed to be Spencer.

Though Brendon obviously wasn’t surprised by Spencer’s appearance, Jon’s own “Spencer” was questioning, and he sounded more than just a little bit confused.

Spencer stared past Brendon into his apartment. “Jon?”

Brendon looked between the two of them. Jon had gotten off the couch and was straightening out his shirt, looking almost nervous. For his part, Spencer was still standing in the doorway, though he looked more flustered than Brendon had ever seen him.

“What are you doing here?” Spencer asked Jon. He walked into the apartment, past Brendon without another beat, and approached the couch where Jon was standing.

Spencer’s hand was on Jon’s upper arm if Brendon wasn’t mistaken. It was too weird. He was so lost.

“Um,” Brendon started to say, but when Spencer and Jon both turned towards him, Spencer’s hand still on Jon’s arm, he couldn’t manage a full sentence. “What?”

Jon flushed, but he didn’t move away from Spencer, only inched closer before he shrugged at Brendon. “I didn’t want to make you feel worse about the whole Ryan situation,” he explained, but his words were still too vague for Brendon.

“Why would I feel worse?” Brendon asked, still trying to connect all the dots. And there seemed to be many dots that just weren’t connecting.

“Well, Spencer and I…” Jon trailed off and did a little twirling flop with his hand, leaving Brendon to fill in the blank.

He did. “What? Oh! Oh!”

Brendon’s eyes widened as realization hit him, and he choked back a laugh. Spencer glared at him, but he was still a little red from embarrassment, so it only made Brendon laugh harder.

“Shut up,” Spencer tried, but it didn’t cause Brendon’s laughter to subside.

“This is too good,” he said when he finally stopped laughing enough to get a big enough breath.

Now even Jon was in on the glare. Brendon shot them both a smile, and though Spencer’s hardened expression didn’t relax, Jon couldn’t help but smile sheepishly back. Brendon looked between Jon and the television screen where Stan was now blushing red as Wendy walked by. They looked startlingly alike.

“I think it’s cute,” Brendon offered. “I really do. How did this happen?” He couldn’t actually remember seeing Jon and Spencer ever really hang out before. Or even talk.

“We are so not doing this right now.” Spencer scowled. “I came over here to help you, dipshit.”

“Hey, calm down,” Jon murmured to Spencer before pressing a kiss to the side of his head. Surprisingly, Spencer leaned in to the soft press of lips, and Brendon tried to keep his mouth closed. Especially when Spencer gave Jon an almost sheepish nod.

Brendon shook his head, and tried to keep the sentiment of “Wow” from slipping through his lips now that Jon had somehow seemed to have sedated Spencer using only the power of his lips.

He closed the door, realizing that it was still actually open, and padded over to where Spencer and Jon were standing, or leaning into each other.

“So what’s this about helping me?” Brendon asked, and Spencer quickly moved his head off of Jon’s shoulder, staring at it like he didn’t understand how it got there. “Spence?” He still looked a little dazed.

“Right,” Spencer said, and he moved further away from Jon, each step he took causing him to seem more like the Spencer that Brendon knew and was (begrudgingly) beginning to love.

He sat down at one edge of the sofa, and Brendon grinned when Jon sat down directly next to Spencer.

Brendon opted to sit on the armchair. He briefly toyed with the idea of making a comment about how he didn’t want to intrude, but Brendon was pretty sure that happy or not, Spencer would still punch him.

Jon was reaching for Spencer’s hand, and though Spencer rolled his eyes, he allowed their fingers to intertwine and rest on his thigh.

It was almost as surreal for Brendon to see Jon looking so lovesick as it was seeing the content grin on Spencer’s face.

“What was it?” Brendon reminded.

“Ryan told me about yesterday,” Spencer began.

Brendon nodded. Of course he did. “What did he say?”

“He told me what you said, about how you wanted to get back together, about how you were ready for him. He told me that he almost believed that you were telling the truth.”

“I was! I am! Didn’t you tell him?” Brendon looked wildly over at Spencer, hands flying in indignation.

Spencer shook his head. “He doesn’t exactly know that you and I are speaking, remember? Especially about him.”

“Ok, fine,” Brendon accepted. “What else did he say?”

“I know that he still loves you, Brendon,” Spencer said. Off of Brendon’s pathetically hopeful look, he added, “He didn’t come right out and say it or anything, but I know that he does. He just doesn’t want to get back together with you and have your relationship be a secret again.”

“I told him that it wouldn’t be. I told him that I would be completely open with everyone. I’m willing to do it for him. I told him!” Brendon didn’t know what else he had to do. He had tried talking to Ryan, he had tried to make him understand that he was willing to give Ryan everything, but nothing seemed to work.

There was suddenly way too much noise in Brendon’s head, too many thoughts, and he grabbed the remote in frustration and turned off the television, anything to stop some of the chaos. Of course, just when he looked at the screen, some sort of monster punched a hole through Kenny’s chest, pulling his heart out. Brendon winced sympathetically as he turned off South Park. He knew the feeling.

“Maybe telling him isn’t enough,” Jon piped up. “Obviously it isn’t going to work this time, Bren. You can’t charm your way out. Ryan needs more than your hurried apologies in a television studio conference room. He deserves more.”

Spencer looked at Jon adoringly, and even though Brendon was happy for them, he really was, it caused an aching pain in him because he didn’t have that. He had lost that.

“Like what?” Brendon asked desperately. “Flowers? Ryan likes flowers. Maybe chocolate? Like a huge box? Or a puppy!”

“That’s not what he meant,” Spencer said. “Brendon, you told Ryan that you were willing to put everything on the line for him, but are you really?”

Brendon nodded vehemently, a little offended that Spencer had to ask. He knew how dedicated Brendon was to getting Ryan back. “Of course I am,” he asserted.

“Good. Then prove it,” Spencer said challengingly.

“What?”
Spencer sighed. “You said that you were willing to sacrifice everything for him, but without proof, all he has is your words. You need to prove to Ryan that he’s worth making sacrifices for.”

“What? Huh?” Brendon was, admittedly, a little flustered. He had told Ryan that, sure, and he meant it, but still, he never really expected to be tested.

“He’s worth it, isn’t he?” Spencer asked, and his piercing glare was back. With the added weight of Jon’s heavy stare, it was almost too much for Brendon to handle.

“Yes. Of course he is.”

“Then you need to prove it to him,” Spencer concluded, and beside him, Jon nodded his agreement

Part six