Bonus Points: Team Brendon: Better to Have Love and Lost Than to Never Have Loved At All
The Doves Have Died, the Lovers Have Lied

It was the first weekend after school ended. How could I even forget such a moment that broke my heart entirely forever, by the one who I thought loved me as much as I loved him. People said we were made for each other, that we were going to last for the summer then we would be closer. Well, they and I both thought wrong. No one can last summer relationships. To me it seems during school some couples get into a ‘relationship’ just to show that they can be in one, but for a few individuals that don’t seem like they’re going to last, it can last a lifetime. I guess with Shane and I, our relationship was just…different.  

“Brendon? Can I…talk to you?” Shane asked me on day when we went to the park together, a look of uncertainty on his face.  

“Yeah, sure Shane,” I followed Shane to a quiet spot, surrounded by trees and far away enough so no little kid could see us. I looked at Shane, my hands shaking and I began to twiddle my thumbs. “So, um, what did you want to talk about?” 

“Bren, I love you and you’re the most optimistic person I’ve ever met but,” Shane sighed. “I don’t think our relationship is going to go further.” 

My heart slowed as I tried my best to keep tears to spill from my eyes and my lip quivering. “B-but why? You said I loved me…why?” 

“I just don’t think that we’re going anywhere else in our relationship, Bren. I’m sorry, but-I think it’s best for the both of us…see new people…I know that’s a shitty reason, but Bren-” Shane looked away, hands deep in his pockets. 

“Tell me why,” I said, wanting an answer. “please.” 

“Bren, just-you don’t understand anything at all,” Shane said sickly, then walked past me, not even looking at me. 

I rubbed my eyes, the tears stinging my cold cheeks, and small sobs ripped from my chest. I knew that getting over Shane would be a hearty task, and for awhile I wasn’t going to be able to cope with it all.

***

It’s been a month since Shane broke my heart, and we haven’t talked since. I figured we could do the whole ‘let’s still stay friends after we broke up, okay? No hard feelings!’ thing, and I even called him once in awhile, but he hasn’t replied to anything.  

So instead of staying at home and moping around like a person who hasn’t gotten over their first relationship, I’m sitting around an outside sushi place table with my best friend and roommate, Jon. He insisted on going out today and just hang out.  

“So…still not over Shane?” Jon asked, looking over at the koi pond, the orange fish catching his attention. “You’ve been too quiet for my taste.” 

I shook my head. “Well…kinda. I don’t know. He did say that we should see new people…” 

“Don’t worry…you’ll get over him. For what he did to you I should beat him up,” Jon said, smiling. “and I’m sure you’ll find someone. There are tons of guys that would go out with you. And if I weren’t your best friend, I’d rape that.” 

“But he was my first boyfriend!” I whined, playing with my napkin. “how fast did you get over your first-and seriously Jon, ‘I’d rape that’? And you’re in college. Talk about being a pedophile, much.” 

“About a week, and that is an awesome thing I made up! And you should be glad I’m friends with you-I’m getting your rep up there, Mr. Junior!” Jon laughed, taking a drink from his glass of ice water.  

“Psh,” I scoffed, folding my arms. “well that’s you. I’m a very complicated individual.” 

“Yeah, you sure are complicated, all right,” Jon smiled. “so after this you want to go shopping or something? Get a pizza and a few movies? Indulge a bit since we paid this month’s and next month’s rent? ” 

“Sure,” I said, looking at the waiter as he put down our orders on the table.

***

“Here you are,” Jon said, handing me the newest ‘Smashing Pumpkins’ CD.  

“Awesome! You’re the best, Jon!” I said, my eyes seeming to sparkle. I turned around, going to find another CD I was searching for, and I guess I turned too fast because I ran into someone, causing both of us to fall to the ground. 

“I’m so sorry!” I cried, getting to my feet quickly to help the boy up. 

“It’s okay…” he groaned, rubbing his head and looked up at me, making my heart swoon. This boy was beautiful. “I think it was partially my fault anyways… I’m a klutz anyways…“ 

“Are you two okay?” Jon asked, picking up our CD’s off of the floor, handing me mine. He looked up, and handed the boy his. “’The Beatles’. Nice.” 

The boy smiled faintly, his cheeks getting redder. “Thanks. They’re really inspirational in my perspective.” 

Jon nudged me, grinning. I raised an eyebrow, then starting to get what Jon was trying to tell me.  

“Oh! So, um…are you doing anything tonight?” 

The boy shook his head and shrugged. “No…just staying at home…why do you ask?” 

“Well would you like to come over to my apartment and have a movie night with me and my friend Jon? We would love the company.” 

The boy smiled. “Yeah…that sounds like fun. Can I bring a friend?” 

“Sure. The more the merrier,” I outstretched my hand. “I’m Brendon.” 

“Ryan,” he shook my hand. “so should I follow you guys and come with you or…” 

“You can come along with us, we wouldn’t mind,” Jon insisted. “we were just about to head out and get a few movies and a pizza.” 

“Okay,” Ryan was all smiles. “but before we go back to your place, we should go get Spencer. He’s terrible with directions. Not to mention a terrible driver.” 

“He has his permit?” I asked.  

Ryan nodded. “Yeah. He’s terrified of anything that passes him though. He starts freaking out. I think it’s worse if anyone else is in the car.” 

“I have mine too…I just can’t wait to get my license,” I said. “I’m pretty good at driving, right Jon?” 

“Right, Brendon,” Jon rolled his eyes, a smile on his face. 

I was sure my face was red, but I just asked the most precious boy I’ve seen in my entire life to come watch movies with me.

***

“Hi,” Ryan said, getting back into the car with his friend, Spencer. “Spence, this is Jon and Brendon.” 

Spencer smiled slightly and waved. Must be shy, I thought. He hadn’t even made a single sound yet. 

“So Ryan, how old are you?” Jon asked, his eyes on the road.  

“Seventeen,” Ryan replied. “but I’ll be turning eighteen at the end of August.” 

“You seem older…” I said, starting back at Ryan. “like, maybe about Jon’s age. But I think that’s because you seem really mature for your age.” Ryan smiled, and brushed his bangs from his eyes. 

“Yeah, and I still reign as the oldest,” Jon grinned. “twenty going on twenty-one.” 

“You don’t seem that old, though,” Ryan said. “like, my age at least. I think Brendon’s accusation was very…correct, but very cute. Spencer’s sixteen going on seventeen.”

 

 
“Just turned seventeen,” I said, smiling back at Ryan. “so are you two ready for a good night?”

 

Ryan and Spencer both nodded and smiled.

***

“Pizza should be done in twenty minutes,” Jon called, washing his hands. “you all better be hungry.”

 

“We are,” Spencer said, taking his place on the couch next to Ryan. He speaks!

 

“Good,” Jon carried in a few sodas while I grabbed some of the boxes of candy and the movies. “I don’t want to be arrested if all of you starve.”

 

“What should we watch first?” I asked, setting the things down on the coffee table and sitting down next to Ryan.

 

“You pick,” Ryan sighed, pushing his bangs out of his face.

 

“Ratatouille it is,” I said, smiling. “now Ryan, you’re about my age, but what school do you go to?”

 

“Spence and I go to Bishop Gorman,” Ryan said, grabbing a pillow. “where do you go?”

 

“Palo Verde,” I sighed. “not a very interesting school. Everyone’s an ass.”

 

“Well all high schools are like that,” Jon said. “even in college.”

 

“Well kids are mean,” I pouted.

 

“Everyone can be mean, Brendon,” Jon laughed. “trust me. Like-really vicious. I’m glad you haven’t called me on my cell crying, telling me to come pick you up from school yet.”

 

“Fine,” I sighed. “pizza done yet?”

 

“Should be close,” Jon got up again, heading into the kitchen. “I’ll go check.”

***

“I love the French and their agriculture and everything,” Ryan sighed happily, shifting on the couch. “I want to go to Paris so bad.”

 

“You do? That’s amazing. It seems so beautiful,” I smiled, my voice hushed.

 

Spencer and Jon’s eyes were still fixed on the screen, also making quiet small talk.

 

“I wish I could cook like that,” I heard Jon say.

 

“You cook?” Spencer asked.  

“Yep,”

 

I smiled. If Spencer was gay (which I totally think he is. I mean, just look and observe! 100% pure gay, but also awesome and kind) I think that he and Jon would make an adorable couple.

 

“So are you…um…”I bit my lip, trying not to offend him in any way. “single?” Yeah, B. Smooth. Awesome.

 

“Yeah,” Ryan sighed. “I got dumped by my boyfriend about a month or so ago.”

 

“Boyfriend?” I said. “So you’re…gay?” Ryan nodded. “Well, me too. I got dumped around a month ago too. He was my first real boyfriend, too.” 

 

“I’m sorry,” Ryan whispered. “must’ve been hard.”

 

I shrugged. “It’s okay, but Ryan? Would you…want to go out sometime? With me?”

 

Ryan shifted his body, and I felt a pair of lips on my cheek. My face flushed as I smiled, wrapping an arm around Ryan’s waist as he laid his head on my chest.

 

“I’d love to,” Ryan said. “hey, why do you live with Jon?”

 

“Well, he’s a family friend,” I started. “but when my family found out that I was gay and everything they kicked me out and Jon took me in…that was about a year ago and Jon’s just a really terrific father figure. Well, he’s gay too, I mean, I just don’t see why he keeps saying he doesn’t want kids…”

 

“Oh,” Ryan said, in an understanding tone. “I see…well, you’re lucky. I’m starting to love you and Jon both, but I think I love you more.”

 

“You’re too sweet,” I laughed, kissing the top of his head.

 

“And you’re younger than me…and you seem like a really amazing person,”

 

“You think so?”

 

“I do,” and Ryan pecked my lips this time.

***

“Hello?” I heard Ryan’s sleepy voice on the other line.

 

“Hey Ry,” I smiled, combing my fingers through my hair. “good morning.”

 

“Mm yeah,” There was a short pause, followed by Ryan yawning in the background. “good morning.”

 

“Hey, do you want to go out to lunch later?” I asked.

 

“Sure. Sounds terrific,”

 

“I’ll pick you up around…noon?” I suggested.

 

“Okay. I’ll see you then. I love you,”

 

“I love you too, bye,” I ended the call, tossing my phone onto my bed. My smile got wider, knowing that this would turn out to be a great date. Jon was doing something for work then project for college, so Ryan and I would have the apartment all to ourselves.

 

Maybe, to tell the truth, I was getting over Shane.

***

I pulled up in Ryan’s driveway, unbuckling my seatbelt and getting out of the car, not bothering to turn off the engine. I was still smiling as I walked up the small pathway to the front door, raising my enclosed hand to knock on the door and stopped mid-hit when I heard a man’s voice, angry and yelling. There was another voice, that was small and quiet, and then the man’s voice again, and the door opened a second later, revealing Ryan who’s face was tear stained and red-ish eyes. My heart began to pound as I looked at Ryan, who was even shaking as he shot the door and turned to me.

 

“Come on,” Ryan hiccupped, rubbing his eyes. “let’s go.”

 

“Ryan, but-“ I started. “you’re crying, and it looks like-“

 

“Brendon, it’s nothing, let’s just go,” Ryan snapped, pulling me by my wrist to my car. Once we were both inside and in our seats Ryan sighed. “I’m sorry for snapping at you, it’s just-“

 

“Ryan, it’s okay,” I insisted. “when we get to my place we can talk about it if you want.”

 

“Okay…” Ryan said, turning his body to look out the window.

***

Since Ryan was still shook up, we just picked something up to eat and headed back to my apartment.

 

“Ry, what’s wrong?” I asked when I had the courage to speak again, not wanting to get yelled at again. “Why are you so upset? What happened?”

 

Ryan shook his head. “It’s nothing. Really.”

 

I looked at Ryan. His left cheek was all puffy and purplish-blue now, like he had been hit by someone. Ryan all together looked so shook up, so uneasy, and I had to do something. I wanted to make him feel better.

 

“Ryan? Please tell me,” Ryan bit his lip, and looked down at his feet. “don’t make me call Spencer and ask him. Because I’m not afraid to. Or I’ll call Jon.”

 

“It’s well…” Ryan looked up at me a little. “do you really want to know?” and I nodded, so Ryan took a deep breath and continued. “it’s my dad. He has a drinking and anger problem, and he got mad at me for coming home late last night and not telling him where I was. And when I told him I was gay and had a boyfriend, he flipped out and spooked my first boyfriend and he said he didn’t want to see me anymore,” Ryan began sniffing. “and then when I told him I had a date with you, he just went ballistic.” And that’s when Ryan burst out crying.

 

“Oh, Ryan…” my heart sank, and I pulled Ryan into my arms, rocking him back and forth. “I’m so sorry…”

 

“It’s not your fault,” he breathed, looking up at me with those big, innocent honey-caramel eyes that were magnified by his tears. “it’s mine. It’s my fault for being who I am.”

 

“Nothings your fault,” I kissed Ryan’s forehead, holding him tighter and closer to me. “Ryan, I love you, so much. I love you just the way you are. I want to be here for you, no matter what the cost. I want to be yours and only yours.” And then the rope that I still had for Shane snapped and a new one tied me to Ryan. That was it. I was over Shane.

 

“I love you too,” Ryan sniffed, his voice not as shaky anymore. “Brendon, we might’ve met each other in a CD store, but you really knocked me off my feet, no pun intended.”

 

I laughed with Ryan, nudging my nose against Ryan’s neck. “You’re too cute for your own good.”

***

~2 Weeks Later~

“Hey Bren,” Ryan smiled as I came into Spencer’s bedroom. I crawled onto the bed and wrapped my arms around his thin waist, kissing at his neck. “I missed you.”

 

“I missed you too, I’ve just been trying to get more money and stuff to keep up with rent to help Jon out,” I said. “and to get something for you.”

 

“For me? You really don’t have to-“

 

“Yeah, I want to,” I wriggled one of my hands into Ryan’s jeans. “but it’s also a surprise, though. I do want to tell you, but I also want to be a surprise because I want to see your face when I give it to you.”

 

“You’re too nice,” Ryan said, rocking his hips.

 

”Jeez, Ry,” Spencer laughed, coming back into the room with sodas and snacks. “horny, are we?”

 

“Yep,” Ryan smiled. “and you’re just begging for Jon to touch you. I know it. I hear you at night, don’t deny it.”

 

Spencer’s face flushed as he stood there, mouth partially open. “Ryan! You weren’t supposed to tell!”

 

“Oops, sorry,” Ryan laughed. “I still love you, though.”

 

“Changing the subject, so when is Jon getting off work?” Spencer asked, sitting down.

 

“He said he would call on his break,” I said, moving my hand further down Ryan’s pants, making him moan softly. “and then come by when he gets off.”

 

“Cool,” Spencer said, opening his can of soda.

 

“And a certain bearded person told me that someone blew him the other day,” I grinned, making Spencer and Ryan gasp.

 

“Spencer!” Ryan gaped, grinning at his best friend. “You sly fox!”

 

“No, you remind me of a fox more,” Spencer suggested. “and a strawberry.”

 

Ryan smiled, resting his head on Spencer’s pillow. And in all of this, I know that in a decision of who I loved more, I loved Ryan more than I ever loved Shane.

 

“Coffee saint!” Jon laughed, coming into the room holding a cardboard coffee cup holder with four cups of coffee in it.

 

“Sometimes I love the fact that you work at Starbucks,” I sighed happily, smiling. “so did you get off early today?”

 

“Yup,” Jon sat on the edge of the bed. “I thought we could get an earlier start to our shopping day, and Bren? Why is your hand down Ryan’s pants?”

 

“Cause he likes it,” I smiled. “don’t you, RyRy?”

 

Ryan nodded, reaching out and wanting to get a cup of coffee.

***

“Perfect fit,” I murmured, admiring Ryan in the dressing room mirror, my arms wrapped around Ryan’s waist.

 

“Yeah,” Ryan smiled, leaning back into my touch.

 

“Do you want these?” I asked.

 

“But they’re so expensive, I-“

 

“Don’t worry,” I laughed, “I’ll buy them for you. You look so good in them, and I’m so anxious to get them off of you…”

 

Ryan giggled, looking at the two of us in the mirror. Both of us were smiling and looking happy, and Ryan tilted his head and moved upward, pecking my lips and rested his hands ontop of mine. There was a knock at the door, followed by Jon’s voice.

 

“Come on you two, lets go,” he sounded impatient. “places to be, things to buy…”

 

“Shouldn’t you be worrying about other things, Jon?” I called back. “Like, college or something?”

 

“Brendon, don’t make me come in there!”

 

“Cool, now we can have a threesome! So now if you can go get Spencer, we can have a fourgy!”

 

“Brendon!”

 

“Pushy, pushy…” I rolled my eyes, unbuttoning the pants Ryan was trying on so we could get out of here and pay. I gently inched them down, Ryan lifting his legs and helping get them off and his own pair back on, all fit and snug, I pecked his lips, grabbed our things and were smiling at each other, and I leaned forward and pecked his lips. “come on, RyRy, we should go before Jon gets angry.”

 

“I heard that!” Jon called, and the both of us started laughing.

***

~A few days later…~

“I love your room,” I smiled, sitting on Ryan’s bed as he shut the door. “so your dad’s at work?”

 

Ryan nodded, crawling onto me and straddled my lap, placing kisses on my neck. I groaned, placing my hands on his hips, my eyes closing.

 

“Bren,” he breathed against my neck. “I know we’ve only been together for a month or so, but-I think I’m ready for you…”

 

“Are you sure?” I said, looking into his lust-filled eyes as we both took a chance to breathe.

 

Ryan nodded again, sliding his hands up my shirt, and helped me get my clothes off with delicate fingers and movements, and I helped him. I laid Ryan down on his back, kissing at his chest as I placed kisses to his chest and parting his thighs, and then looked back at him, his cheeks flushed.

 

‘Do you have any lube…?” I asked, looking around.

 

“Drawer,” he said, motioning to his bedside table.

 

I crawled over Ryan’s body and opened the drawer, rummaging through it and finding a bottle of lube and even a condom. Chills ran down my spine as Ryan licked at my cock, making me groan. I settled myself in between Ryan’s legs, opening the bottle and slicking two of my fingers and brought one to Ryan’s entrance, pushing one in and made Ryan’s legs and cock twitch, both of us giving a breathy moan. I added another finger shortly after, thrusting them in and out. I licked my lips, seeing Ryan writhe on the bed. He groaned out my name once my finger brushed against his prostate, and I knew he was about ready.

 

“Have you…done this before?” I asked, biting my lip.

 

“Yeah,” Ryan looked up at me. “but I was stupid and being naïve. But now with you, I feel like I’ve been stupid all of my life…have you done this before?”

 

I shook my head, being honest. “No. Shane and I did nothing like this…and Ry, you’re not stupid. Not at all.”

 

Ryan smiled, getting on his elbows and leaning forward, pecking my lips, and I kissed back.

 

I pulled out my fingers and reached for the lube, squeezing some on my palm to spread on my length. I reached forward again, grabbing the condom, ripping open the packet and rolling it on my length, it surprisingly being a perfect fit. I aligned myself with Ryan’s entrance, and looked Ryan in the eyes. He looked so beautiful, and I hoped that I wouldn’t mess anything up or hurt Ryan.

 

“I love you,” I said, leaning down and pecking Ryan’s lips before slowly pushing myself inside him, both of our breathing becoming labored and catching in our throats.

***

~A week later~

I stood outside of Ryan’s house, a bouquet of red roses in my hands and I knocked about a minute ago and no one had answered yet. I knocked again, and got on my heels, rocking back and forth, whistling. Where is he?

 

I grabbed my buzzing cell phone from my pocket and answered it, seeing that Spencer was calling.

 

“Hey Spencer, do you know where Ryan is?”

 

“B-Bren,” Spencer was sobbing. “R-Ryan’s in the-the hospital…”

 

And I closed my phone, grabbing onto the roses and dashing to my car, starting it up and doing everything fast so I can rush to the hospital and see what happened.

Ryan better be okay, he better be…

***

I got to the hospital about a half hour later, looking around and seeing Spencer and his mother sitting in the waiting room chairs. I walked over quickly, tapping Spencer’s shoulder, making him look up with teary, wet blue eyes.

 

“Spencer, what happened?” I asked again.

 

“Ry-Ryan, he-“ Spencer could only get those words out and started sobbing.

 

“Mrs. Smith, what happened?” I asked, turning to Spencer’s mother.

 

She breathed inward, and then looked up at me. “Spencer was just going to Ryan’s to get him to come over, and he didn’t hear anyone and Mr. Ross’ car wasn’t there, so he just walked inside and saw Ryan laying on the kitchen floor, covered in blood from head to toe, limp, cold and pale. And when Spencer called me being all frantic, I-“ Mrs. Smith was trying her best not to cry. “Spencer checked his pulse and-Brendon, he was like another son to me, he really was.” And that’s when she started crying. “He’s just barely hanging on, but-“

 

My heart dropped as tears came to my eyes. “Can I…can I see him, though?”

 

“I’m sure you can…just tell him you were his brother,” Mrs. Smith said, sniffing.

 

“Okay,” I nodded, trying to keep my tears back as I walked to the front desk, catching the attention of the nurse working there. “excuse me, can you tell me where Mr. Ross’s room is?”

 

“It’s down the hall, to the left, and the fifth door,” she said like it was nothing. “but can I ask you why you’re visiting him?”

 

“He’s my brother,” I said, then turning around and down the hall.

 

The walk down the hall was quiet, the sound of my shoes on the floor echoed and my heart was pounding. I was determined to see Ryan, I just had to see him, I had to. I looked to my right and looked ahead, seeing Ryan’s room door open and close by a doctor.

 

I reached Ryan’s room and was stopped by the doctor, who put his hand on my shoulder.

 

“I think you’re a bit too late, son,” he said, sighing. “we lost him a few minutes ago.”

 

My heart broke as tears finally spilled from my eyes, looking up at the doctor.

 

“C-can I still see him, though?”

 

“Yes, but not for a long time, okay?”

 

I nodded, going into the room and shut the door behind me, my eyes wide as they fell upon Ryan’s lifeless body that was outlined my the small amount of light coming in from the closed window blinds. I slowly stepped towards him, my whole body shaking as the boy I loved, the boy who I made love with, is laying in a hospital bed, never again to wake up and see the things he hasn’t seen yet. Like Paris.

 

“Ryan,” I choked out, looking at him as my fingers trailed over his cold skin. “Ryan,”

***

Ryan’s funeral was two days later, and it rained. I kept quiet throughout the whole ceremony, trying not to burst out crying. I would never see his honey-caramel eyes ever again. I wouldn’t hear his laugh, or see his smile in full ever again. I would be always known as loveless, because my relationship with Shane left me with heartache, but Ryan’s relationship was a lot different.

 

There weren’t a lot of people there, and Spencer pointed out some of Ryan’s distant relatives that showed up, like cousins, but his parents didn’t show.

 

“Bren,” Spencer said, trying not to cry. “it was his dad. That’s why he’s not here. That’s why Ryan’s gone. It was his fucking bad excuse for a father that killed him. I heard that he’s on a life sentence in jail right now…the bastard deserves it.”

 

I could feel the anger and sadness in Spencer’s voice all at the same time, and it made me think that someone so young could already feel so much for one person, but Ryan was like a brother to him, so I understand.

 

My relationship will be the one I won’t forget, the one moment in my life that I could live on and always remember. I can always hear his voice, pushing me on to do successful things in life as I move my way forward, and I know that he’ll always be here with me. I know that I’ll never have a relationship ever like the one Ryan and I shared, because he made my heart sing, he was the one I knew I loved and I will keep it that way.

 

Once the reception and everything was over, the rain ceased and I stayed behind. Mrs. Smith and Spencer offered to take me home, but I kindly refused and told him I would walk. When I told Jon he just hugged me like the fatherly figure he is and told me to be safe and just call his cell if I changed his mind.

 

I sat at the foot of Ryan’s grave, playing with the fresh, wet dirt as the rainwater combined with my tears fell into the soil. I read his tombstone over, and sighed. They could’ve done so much better with the inscription and more words to describe him.

 

‘George Ryan Ross, 1990-2008; gifted individual, loved.’

 

“He didn’t tell me his first name was George,” I laughed to myself. “but I love Ryan more.”

 

I continued to sit there, talking to myself, reminiscing on the past and what Ryan and I shared as a couple. It got later, and thunder rumbled in the sky, alerting me and making me look up. I sighed and got to my feet, letting the soil that was in my hand run through my fingers, back onto the fresh soil.

 

“Do you remember when I told you I was saving my money to get you something?” I asked, hoping Ryan would just answer and talk to me, but that was my insanity acting in. “Ryan, I was planning to get you a ticket to Paris, no, us tickets to Paris. So we could see the sights and be there, just like you wanted. I know it’s a lot of money, but…I wanted to do something for you, but now that you’re gone…”

 

“I love you, Ryan,” I said, looking back at Ryan’s grave, the cherry blossom tree’s petals were falling silently and being picked up in the wind and blown away. “I’ll be back tomorrow, I promise.”

***

“Are you okay?” Jon asked me, the morning after the funeral.

 

“Yeah,” I sighed. “I’m okay.”

 

“Brendon,” Jon said, leaning on the counter. “I know you love him, and you miss him. Just talk to me. You don’t have to be afraid of anything.”

 

“Jon, it’s just-“ I looked at him. “I miss him a lot. He didn’t deserve to die the way he did. He was special, he was so…unique. Jon, he was-”

 

“I know, Bren,” Jon sighed. “I miss him too. But I know you can get through this but never forget him.”

 

“I’m just going to miss him so fucking much,” I sniffed, rubbing my eyes. “he made me forget about Shane, and now everything fucking sucks.”

 

“There, there,” Jon rubbed my back. “but better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, right, Bren?”

 

I nodded. “I guess so…”

 

“Just relax and everything. Let everything settle,” Jon sighed. “I’ll go with you to see Ryan tomorrow. And we’ll get Spencer and we’ll grab something to eat and we’ll have a picnic. Ryan would enjoy the company, right?”

 

“Yeah…” I looked up at Jon. “that sounds doable. I think Ryan would like that.”

***

“Are you sure about this?” Spencer said, carrying the blanket as we passed through the rows of tombstones. “We could get like…arrested or something, can’t we?”

 

“It’s fine, don’t worry,” Jon assured Spencer. “and if we do get into trouble, I’ll take the blame since I’m the oldest. I can last in prison.”

 

“Okay…”

 

A minute or two later we reached Ryan’s grave under the cherry blossom tree, and Spencer set down the blanket and we all helped find rocks to keep it from blowing it away. Once we decided it was good enough, Jon set down the basket and rummaged through it and pulled out the sandwiches and the sodas.

 

“Brendon? Are you okay?” Jon asked, holding one out to me.

 

“Yeah, just-“ I looked towards Ryan’s tombstone. “today would be better if Ryan was actually here, right?”

 

“Yeah,” Jon sighed. “but technically he is. He’s right here, and he’ll always be with you, Bren.”

 

I smiled, cracking open the can of soda and took a sip. “You’re right. So very right,”

 

“Hey, Ry,” Jon looked towards Ryan’s grave, giving a small smile. “we really wish you were up here with us. Nothing’s the same without you. We all miss you.”

 

The rest of the picnic was somewhat quiet, every few minutes one of us would talk and then fall silent. Once we were done, we packed everything up, and I stood at Ryan’s grave like yesterday, looking down upon him but I knew he was looking down upon me, watching. Yearning. Wanting to be here with me physically and hold me, touch me. And I wanted that too.

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” I said. “I love you.”

 

And I walked away, knowing that I could do nothing that visit Ryan every day and to try not to feel sad or anything. Ryan was gone, I had to face that. And I knew just like forgetting about Shane, I had to get through this too.

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