Team Brendon: A Chain Is No Stronger Than Its Weakest Link
Catch Your Anchor On Something Worthwhile


Brendon has a lovely laugh.



We were all sitting down for lunch and Pete was telling us another one of his hilarious stories about the antics he and Patrick got up to over the weekend. I wasn't particularly paying attention, being too engrossed in gazing at a certain someone sitting across from me at the cafeteria table.



Pete must have said something amusing, because everyone was laughing again, and yeah – Brendon really has a lovely laugh. I felt the corners of my mouth creep up slightly as the conversation moved on.



I felt a nudge in my side and snapped out of my daze, turning to find Spencer looking at me, amused.



"Huh?" I said.



"Stop staring at Brendon and pay attention, Ry! We're making plans for Gabe's birthday. We were thinking of having a sleepover, are you free this Friday?"



"Oh, uh, yeah. That's fine. Is everyone coming?" Is Brendon coming?



"Yep. It'll be fun."



"Okay, cool." Spencer turned back to the group and I managed to keep relatively alert for the rest of lunchtime.



"I wasn't staring." I said to Spencer as we left for our next lesson.



"What?"



"At Brendon. I wasn't staring at Brendon."



"Right, Ry. Of course, yeah." He laughed, waving slightly as we went our separate ways down the hall.



———



I liked Brendon since he started the school, almost from the very first day. I had just begun my Sophomore year at the time, and Brendon was Spencer's age so when Spencer came to the school, and made friends with Brendon in homeroom, he brought him to come and eat with me and my friends Jon, Pete and Patrick who were all in their junior year, and Gabe and William who were the same age as me.



Brendon was hyper, confident and amazingly, stupidly, ridiculously hot beautiful. The second I saw him I was attracted to him physically, and by the end of lunch I was completely infatuated with everything about him.



By the middle of my Junior year, my infatuation had only escalated.



Now I just sat there every lunch staring at him and enjoying his presence, admiring his beauty, his laugh, his – just him. Brendon Urie.



I spent the rest of the day imagining him and his perfection, and then found him leaning against my car when I got outside.



"Come shopping with meee!" he said as I reached him.



"Shopping? Why?"



"You have to help me. You're good at presents and shit. I fail epically at that sort of stuff! I'd end up getting Gabe like… like, a pineapple!"



"A pineapple?" I raised an eyebrow sceptically.



"Yeah," groaned Brendon. "I told you, I'm that awful! Pleaasse?" He pouted. And, uh – this was Brendon and I was hardly going to say no, was I?



"Yeah, alright then. After school today we'll just go to the mall and I'll make sure you don't buy Gabe an – er - pineapple."



"Thank you so much! You are a lifesaver!" Brendon hugged me and I stiffened slightly, even though I should definitely be used to his affection by now.



Later, we were at the mall and were in Starbucks taking a break from our shopping. We had been in almost every single shop in the whole mall, even one's which would never have anything Gabe would want. I mean, Victoria's Secret? Really, Brendon? He truly was bad at this. Or just insane. Both, probably. But he was also funny, and interesting, and intelligent, and beautiful, and lovely, and friendly, and cuddly, and perfect…



"So we still haven't tried that shop over there." Brendon motioned with his head to a shop containing an assortment of brightly coloured clothing.



"Okay, well, finish your frappuccino and we'll go over. But we are seriously leaving before six, because I have homework to do if I'm going to come to this party on Friday."



"Oh, yeah. Sorry." Brendon smiled sheepishly and quickly sucked up the rest of his drink; hollowing his cheeks out round the straw and sliding his lips slowly down it, making me feel slightly hot and embarrassed. His actions were completely uncontrived yet utterly obscene to me. I got up quickly and walked over to the shop, telling Brendon I would meet him there.



Brendon came over to me a couple of minutes later with a pile of garments in various colours of the rainbow.



"I found loads of cool stuff!" He said excitedly, and I looked at the pile which consisted of about 60% girls clothing.



"Um, you do realise most of that stuff is for girls, right?" I told him.



"Well, yeah, but its pretty!" I sighed and took the pile off him, sorting through it casting the girls" items onto a bench and putting the male ones back in his hands.



"Wait! I really liked that one," he said as I tossed a purple hoody into the pile.



"It's for girls."



"It's unisex, actually. See!" he said, picking it up and dropping half his load in the process. He pointed to a tag on the sleeve.



"Well, okay. I guess Gabe does like purple…"



"Yay! I'm not bad at gifts after all! I didn't even need your help!" He dropped the rest of the clothes he was holding on the floor and I sighed and picked them up, leaving them on top of the girls" clothes.



"I didn't think we'd decided to definitely buy that."



"Yeah, we have. Come on Ry!" Brendon grabbed my wrist and skipped to the counter to pay. The cashier eyed him warily as he jumped up and down, grinning in excitement. After we'd paid we left the store and made our way to the car park.



"Hey, Ry! Did you see the cashier? She was hot," Brendon said under his breath as we walked out. My stomach dropped.



"Uh, sure. I got to go now, though. I'll see you tomorrow! Bye!" I said, turning and walking away briskly before Brendon could point out that our cars were parked next to each other so we could walk together.



I got home and sulked. Every time I was out with Brendon he would point out "hot women" left, right and center. It was so frustrating when all I wanted was for him to turn around and look at me, call me hot. But he was straight, straight as a steel ruler, and I was his friend. He would never look at me like that. I slumped down into my unmade bed at sighed.



Life isn't fair.



———



"Ryaaannn! Pete and William have had another argument. You need to fix it! Gabe's party will be ruined if they can't get on!" Spencer whined to me in Maths that Wednesday. Spencer was a maths super-whiz so he'd been moved up into Junior math class, and he was probably still better than me.



"Okay. Great, good for them. Can't somebody else sort it out for once? Why is it always me who has to resolve all the feuds that happen in our group?" I said. It was nothing new. They really didn't like each other very much, which was frustrating when they both hung round with us all the time, and I was fed up of always being the one expected to solve the groups' problems. I didn't like being peace keeper. I liked to be able to stop and think about my own problems once in a while.



"No! That's the problem! You're like, the master of feud-solving! Nobody can solve a feud like Ryan Ross can!" Spencer leaned his head on my shoulder, looking up at me pleadingly, and how could I resist the desperate pleas of my best friend forever?



"Alright, alright! I'll sort it out, don't fret. Really, Spen, what would you do without me?" I grinned.



"Oh, baby, I'd fall apart!" He wailed dramatically, then grinned and hugged me. "Thanks, Ryry. Love you!"



———



The rest of the week passed relatively quickly, and relatively normally – Maths with Spencer every morning, a few lessons with Gabe or William, lunch with Jon, Pete, Patrick, Gabe, William, Spencer and Brendon. And me, staring.



Soon, Friday had arrived, and we all headed over to Gabe's after school for the party.



We were probably the biggest losers ever. Or at least, other people would see it that way. We were all in high school, yet our parties were still like an 11-year-old girls'. Games, cake, movies, sleepover. But I wasn't a fan of alcohol and drunken people, and the people that didn't share my thoughts were at least willing to accept them and respect them in my presence. Gabe wasn't really much of a drinker, so he was happy to have a 'girly tea party' too.



Pete and Patrick had baked him a cake, despite Spencer's battle to stop them, and surprisingly it wasn't that bad. Very sticky, and very lopsided, but a cake all the same.



Spencer had made a whole ton of snack food, and so we feasted on cocktail sausages and fruit on sticks whilst watching one of those really, really terrible comedy films which are just so bad that you can't help loving them.



When the movie was over, Gabe opened his presents. Surprisingly, he loved the hoody Brendon had bought him, and insisted on wearing for the rest of the night, even though it was fairly warm in his house, so we set up bedding in the living room and just talked as people nodded off one by one.



Me, being a true tortured artist and all that, had insomnia, and never got a proper nights sleep, and Brendon had just had enough Red Bull to keep him awake well into the next decade, so while everyone else was sleeping we were still talking. Or at least, Brendon was. I was, unsurprisingly, off in a world of my own – a world of Brendon, anyway. He was taking about an argument he and his sister had had after she caught him stealing her eyeliner pencil.



He looked amazing when he was just talking about something. But then again, Brendon always looked stunning.



"Ryan?" Brendon asked, and I had been so busy gazing at him that I hadn't even realised he had finished whatever he was talking about.



"Ry!" He repeated, jabbing me lightly in the waist



"Ow! Sorry, what?"



"I said what are you staring at? You always drift off!"



"Um- you?" I said before thinking, and immediately regretted it, because I didn't mean to actually admit that.



Brendon looked confused and pulled himself up off the floor into a sitting position, leaning against the arm of the sofa near where I was laying.



"What? Why?"



"I just - I mean, you're so..." I started, not knowing what to say. Beautiful would have been weird, and perfect would have been even creepier. Brendon raised his eyebrows, still looking at me, and man, he looked –



"Hot." I blurted out. Shit. Not only was that a terribly embarrassing thing to have admitted to one of my best friends, who was also supposedly straight, but it was also a total understatement, because he was more than just hot. And it was a terrible way to sum up what I thought of him. But it was too late to change it now, and I had more important matters to worry about, like the fact that Brendon had shifted onto his knees and was currently kneeling in front of the sofa, leaning over me.



Then he climbed up onto the sofa and straddled me, pressing his lips hard into mine, whilst I was laying there motionless and useless like a rag doll, in too much shock to do anything else, let alone kiss back.



My train of thought at the time was something along the lines of: Oh my God, this is the most amaz- WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?! But my attempt at voicing my confusion proved to be futile as Brendon used the opportunity of my parted lips to thrust his hot tongue into my mouth. I decided that there was really no point in questioning why what was happening was happening, because it was, so who cared why? Instead I brought my limp arms up and settled them heavily on Brendon's ass, kissing him back with everything I had.



The moan I let escape my throat as Brendon suddenly ground his hips violently down against me through my thin pyjama bottoms was clearly louder than I was in a position to notice, because next thing I knew Spencer was groaning at the disruption to his sleep and slowly sitting up, taking in the scene in front of him with eyes as wide as he could manage in his sleepy state. Brendon was lying on top of me with my hands gripping his bum tightly, and he had at some point managed to get his hands up my shirt. We turned to face Spencer, out of breath and puffy-lipped, and he blinked a few times, then said;



"Um."



I screwed my eyes shut and let my head flop down against a cushion, feeling vibrations running through me as Brendon laughed lightly.



"Ryan thinks I'm hot, Spence! Imagine that!"



"Um."



"So, two hot guys, right? Why not make out? It's no big deal."



"Um." Spencer said for the last time, then lay back down and went to sleep. Brendon rolled off me onto the inside edge of the sofa, which meant we had to lie sideways to stop ourselves falling off, and he wrapped his arm around my waist.



"So I'm going to sleep here, yeah? Night, Ry." He said, burying his face into my hair.



"Uh – goodnight, Brendon." I said, shifting slightly to get comfortable then stroking Brendon's hair lightly as I attempted to fall asleep – a hard task to achieve when I had so many things to think about.



———



I woke up the next morning and momentarily wondered why I was unable to move. Then I remembered last night and realised that Brendon had shifted in his sleep and was laying partially on top of me, pinning me to the sofa. I looked at the top of his head which lay on my chest, and admired its softness and its pretty, dark brown colour. Even the top of his bed-haired head was attractive.



Brendon grunted and rolled off me, lifting his head up to look at me groggily.



"Mornin' Ryry."



"Good morning Brendon. Did you sleep alright?"



"Uh- yeah. You're comfy for a twig."



I laughed. "Hey, um. Brendon. So… About last night. Are we, like… what are we? I mean," I paused, not knowing quite how to phrase what I wanted to say.



"Are we like, going out now, you mean?" He asked me.



"Um, yeah. Are we- going out. Yeah." I nodded.



"Well, do you want to?" Fuck, yes.



"Well, I, uh- I mean, if you want to. I don't mind, like. What do you-?"



"Hey, Ry. Ask me out."



"What?"



"Ask me out. Say; Brendon, will you go-"



"Brendon, will you go out with me?" I asked him nervously.



"Sure, why not?" He grinned. "Now let's go get breakfast. I think Spencer is cooking. He makes good scrambled eggs."



"Okay." We got off the sofa carefully, trying not to roll onto the floor in the process. When we got up, I took Brendon's hand cautiously and he threaded our fingers together, but before we got to the kitchen he dropped my hand and slipped his hand under the elastic of my pyjama bottoms instead, resting his palm on my bare ass.



"You two looked cosy this morn- oh." Pete started, laughing, until he noticed Brendon's hand tucked snugly beneath the waist of my trousers.



"Well, well. This is a new development." Gabe said. He didn't look upset – nobody did. Just amused.



"Oh, I remember, I totally caught them making out in the middle of the night. I thought it was a dream. I'm glad it wasn't. I was worried I had been having gay dreams about my best friends making out." Spencer said, turning round from his place at the cooker.



"Well, that's nice. Congrats guys, but Brendon, could you take your hand out of Ryan's pants while we're present? Thanks, it's creeping me out." Patrick added.



Brendon and I sat down at the table and as I ate I started to wonder – what now?



I had wished and wished for Brendon to like me back. I had wanted to go out with him for as long as I could remember, but I never thought it would actually happen, so I had no clue what to do next. I'd imagined me and Brendon in all sorts or situations. I'd imagined us kissing and making out. I'd imagined giving Brendon a handjob, and a blowjob, and a few other things which I don't care to mention. I'd imagined us watching sunsets together and cuddling up in bed at night. I'd even imagined us having sex.



What I hadn't imagined were the bits in between all that. I'd never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend or anything remotely close to a relationship before, so honestly I had no clue how it was supposed to work. What do couples actually do differently to friends other than make out? Anything at all? Were we supposed to go on dates? Talk about different things? Were we supposed to change the way we acted? I had no idea. I didn't know what counted as a normal relationship. I'd just have to go with the flow and follow Brendon's lead.

.

———



When I got home after the party, receiving a goodbye make out session kiss from Brendon, I decided that I wanted to make the most of my new found relationship with Brendon – one which I was still having trouble getting over. It had been so unexpected (but a very welcome surprise) and I was very unsure about how it was going to work, but I decided that I wanted to take him on a date.



I imaged it being all romantic – a beautiful candle lit dinner and hand holding and sneaky kisses when nobody was looking our way. I grinned at the thought and rolled over from my position on my bed to grab my phone.



"Hey, Brendon!" I said when he picked up.



"Hiya, Ry. What's up?" came Brendon's voice through the receiver.



"I was, uh. I was wondering if you'd like to go… like, um. Out? Like, go out somewhere, you like, eat. Or something. Or anything you want to." I said unsurely. I wasn't sure what I was doing, really, but I wanted to see Brendon, and this was what couples did, right?



"Like, a date?" He asked with a hint of surprise.



"Uhm, yeah, I-I guess."



"Oh, wow, well. It's not normally; I mean I don't usually go on dates."



"Oh, okay. That's… okay, I guess I just… I thought couples just did that? I don't know. Sorry."



"No, Ry. It's fine! Don't worry so much. If you want to, that's cool. Yeah, sure. We can go on a date if you want to." Brendon still sounded slightly surprised at the offer, and I thought that was quite weird, but smiled anyway when he said yes.



"Okay, awesome, do you want to like… I dunno. Go somewhere, and then get something to eat? I dunno."



"Yeah, that sounds fun. Where do you want to go beforehand? I mean, there are not really any good movies on right now, but you like art and stuff, right? Like… we could go to the theatre. My parents went to see some Peter Pan play and apparently it was amazing."



"That sounds excellent. If we go to see it we could find a restaurant or something nearby afterwards. I'll book us tickets. Is tomorrow good for you?"



"Yeah, yeah that's great."



"Uhm, okay. I'll see you tomorrow then?"



"Bye, sexy." Brendon said flirtily and I giggled slightly.



"Bye, Brendon."



———



I had spent the past hour trying on various outfits and had finally decided, pulling a green v-neck over my head as the doorbell rang. I quickly ran to answer the door before my dad could get there and embarrass me, and pulled it open breathlessly, smiling profusely as I found Brendon standing there, looking absolutely stunning as usual.



"Hey, Bren."



"Hey, Ry. Your pants are undone." Brendon laughed, pulling me into a hug, then slowly stepping away to button my trousers up. He smirked at me as his fingers lightly brushed over my boxer-clad crotch, and I blushed, looking round quickly to check my father wasn't watching us.



"Okay, uh - I'll go get my coat and stuff. One sec." I told Brendon, walking over to the coat stand and putting on a black leather jacket, stepping into my sneakers simultaneously.



"I'm leaving now, dad! See you!" I heard my dad shout back in acknowledgement from the living room, and returned to Brendon in the doorway, slipping my hand into his and threading our fingers together as we walked out of the house and started walking towards the theatre. As had become the norm with Brendon, not long afterwards he let go of my hand and moved it to rest on my ass, hooking his thumb into my back pocket. I moved my arm around to his waist in return, slipping it under his shirt and resting my hand on his curvy hip.



We walked slowly, because we were quite early, and made random conversation along the way, talking about friends, school, homework and music.



"Hey Ry, my parents are out tonight, so do you want to come over after we get dinner?"



"Sure, sounds awesome!" I grinned, squeezing his hipbone through the thin layer of flesh, and receiving a light pinch on my bum in response. I wondered what Brendon was planning for us to do at his house tonight?



When we arrived at the theatre I went to collect our tickets from the box office, as Brendon ran off to buy himself sweets (and Red Bull.) Once we'd got everything we went and found our seats and waited for the play to start, Brendon alternating between stuffing his face with sweets and pressing wet, open mouthed kisses to my neck and exposed collarbone.



I placed my hand over Brendon's and turned as the lights dimmed and someone in a dog costume came onstage, starting the performance. It was actually very good, which I hadn't expected. I'd thought it would be childish, but it wasn't at all, and I really enjoyed it. The actors were attached to wires or something which came down from the roof, allowing them to fly around the stage. It was really cool.



About halfway through the second half of the play, Brendon moved his hand from where it was resting under mine and settled it calmly over my crotch. He kept watching the play, keeping a completely straight face and leaving his hand lying there completely still.



After about a minute of laying it there completely motionless, whilst I desperately tried to act normally, Brendon pressed ever so lightly down against me, and then repeated his actions again, causing me to squeak quietly, still staring at the stage and trying to ignore him. After a second minute of Brendon gently massaging my hardening erection, I gave up attempting not to react and left out a soft moan, pushing my hips up to meet his hand harder, and leaned over to press my lips sloppily against Brendon's jaw.



Luckily, thanks to my lack of funds, we had seats at the very back of the theatre, so hopefully nobody noticed when Brendon moved onto my lap, legs on my seat on either side of me, and latched his lips to mine, thrusting his tongue into my mouth and grinding down hard in my lap.



We made out heatedly for a few minutes before I remembered that we were still supposed to go out to dinner after this and we might want to calm things down a little. I pulled away from Brendon and rested my head on his shoulder to whisper in his ear.



"We should stop, Bren. Let's save this for… later, yeah?" Brendon nodded against the side of my head and shifted back onto his seat, but left his hand resting on my thigh and leant on my shoulder, feathering light kisses over my neck and jaw. I tried desperately to think of the ugly old man who was playing Captain Hook naked, willing my erection to go down before the play ended and we had to walk out into daylight.



When we got out of the theatre, Brendon pushed me up against the wall outside and shoved both his hands in my back pockets, licking the shell of my ear and then nibbling lightly at the earlobe.



"What do you say we give dinner a miss and head straight back to mine, eh Ry?" He breathed.



"But I, uh – I've already reserved-"



"It's no biggie, Ry. They don't mind if you don't show up." Truthfully, I'd tried very hard to get reservations at a rather expensive restaurant and felt a bit bad just skipping out on it, but if Brendon wasn't going to enjoy it, it would be a bit of a waste of my money.



"Yeah, okay. Let's go, then." I felt it as Brendon grinned against my cheek, giving my ear one last nip before moving to my side, leaving one hand still in my back pocket and starting up the road towards his house.



As soon as we got inside his front door, I found myself pressed up next to the doorframe with Brendon licking and sucking at my chest, which was partially exposed due to the v-neck I was wearing.



"Mm – hot. Let's go t'my room." Brendon muttered against my clavicle, pulling me off the wall and heading upstairs to his bedroom. He dragged me to his bed and threw me down on it, following soon after. He hoisted his right leg over my torso, and held himself over me, kissing me lustily, licking at my lower lip until I hastily granted him access.



After a minute he moved his hand down and began rubbing at my crotch, much harder and faster than in the theatre and I moaned loudly into his mouth, then broke away and stretched back on the pillow, bucking up my hips in his touch. He sat up so that he could use his second hand and then unzipped my trousers, pulling them down to my thighs along with my boxers before I even had a change to register what was happening or decide whether I wanted it.



But as soon as his fingers curled around my shaft I forgot everything and just screwed my eyes shut, pulling Brendon towards me to kiss him roughly and bucking my hips again and again into his hand until I felt a familiar heat building up and eventually shuddering as I released, melting down into the bed. Brendon moved to sit on my stomach lightly, and pulled my hand up to him, urging me to return the favour as he pulled his jeans down his thighs quickly. And yeah – I definitely wanted this.



We were laying back on my bed afterwards, Brendon with his arm slung over my waist.



"Where do you see us in a few years, Bren?"



"I dunno. You'll probably be, like, a rockstar, right? Or a writer. You could be a professional writer. I can see you doing that. And I'll probably just have a boring office job. Possibly give kids piano lessons or something on the side."



"A rockstar?" I laughed.



"Yeah! With some super-hot actor boyfriend or girlfriend. One of those ones everyone wishes they could be with." And, what? I didn't want some stupid fucking model, I wanted Brendon! And I thought he-



"And I'll probably be married with a few kids. I've always wanted kids, that'd be nice." Well, wow. Okay. "How about you, Ry?"



I want to be with you. I want to stay with you forever and I don't want to be a rockstar, because I'd have to go away places and party all night, when all I want to do is lay in bed with you.



"Oh, yeah, totally. I can see it, too. Rockstar, awesome." I put on the worst fake smile I'd ever smiled, and he just grinned back and didn't have a clue.



It was crazy how fast this amazing day had turned for shit.



———



Two months went by fast, (Time flies when you're having 'fun') and my relationship with Brendon seemed to be going… well. I was happy. He said insensitive things sometimes, but he didn't mean to hurt me. I guess I just wasn't the kind of person who went round pointing out hot people to my boyfriend.



But in Brendon's defence, I had never been in a relationship before so I didn't know what the 'rules' were. He was probably totally in line and I was just making a bid deal out of nothing. After all, it was me he was with, right?



Surely that meant something.



Generally our relationship was amazing, anyway. I kept asking him on dates, even though I still felt like he'd rather just stay at one of out houses and make out (or more), and when we were together he was lovely. He was still the same Brendon, really. I thought our relationship might change, but it was exactly the same, just more touchy feely, with… kissing. And stuff.



I was happier than I'd ever been and I never wanted it to end. I was falling for Brendon very fast (but then, I'd been teetering on the edge for two years, so it was bound to happen) and I just hoped that Brendon was feeling the same. It seemed like he did.



———



"Ryan, please – I'm not asking for much. All that I want is for everything to be fixed again. And I know you can do that. Just – Pete and Will won't even talk now so Will and Gabe don't hang out with us anymore. Jon is angry with Pete for driving Will and Gabe off because he and Gabe are really good friends, and so Pete and Patrick will probably stop hanging around with us soon, too. The whole group is falling to pieces, Ryan! You can solve anything, so please, please solve this." Spencer begged me. He was at my house for the first time since me and Brendon started going out. Brendon's grandparents were visiting for the day so he wasn't over, and Spencer had insisted on coming round even though I was exhausted.




"Spence, I can't have all the pressure put on me, all the time! The group isn't my responsibility. You can't blame me for something that I didn't do! I have my own problems right now, Spencer; my own issues to deal with; and I don't need any more."



"What issues? Are you and Brendon fighting, or what?"



"No! Of course not! We're fine. Everything's amazing. I love him, he loves me. It's great."



"He loves you? He said that?"



"Well, he didn't actually say it, but I know he does. We both just know. We don't have to say it." I explained.



"Um, Ry, I'm not sure that…"



"Look, Spencer. It's none of your business. Who are you to pry into my relationships? We're fine. Leave it alone."



"Well, I'm supposed to be your best friend - whom you've basically just ditched for Brendon."



"Brendon is my boyfriend, Spencer! What do you expect?"



"Well, seeing you occasionally would be nice."



"I do see you! Lunchtimes, break, and I'm in half your lessons."



"That's school, Ry. I'm talking outside of that. We used to hang out all the time!"



"But I have to spend time with Brendon, he's my boyfriend."



"What happened to mates before dates? That's the saying right? You don't just completely ditch your best friend of about thirteen years for your silly boyfriend!"



"Look, don't you dare call Brendon silly. He's amazing, alright? And what has this got to do with anything? I though we were discussing Pete and Will's fight, not starting one of our own?"



"We're discussing the fact that you have abandoned all of your friends! It's like, because you have Brendon, you don't have the time or the need for anybody anymore!"



"Well, maybe Brendon is all I need!"



"Oh, okay. So that's it then? Thirteen years, and I'm just… trash now? Because you have Brendon?"



"If you're going to be so unreasonable about it, and so intolerant of it, then yes! You have to accept that Brendon is my boyfriend."



"You know what, Ryan Ross? Fuck you, okay? Fuck you, because I have done so much for you, and you just throw it all back in my face. I'm going to go to Jon's now. Don't bother sitting with us at lunch anymore. Sit with Pete and Patrick, or Will and Gabe, but I want nothing else to do with you, you hear me?" Spencer screamed, and he was actually crying, which is something that Spencer never does. I suddenly realised what I had done and felt really, really awful.



"Oh God, Spencer, don't cry, look I-"



"I'm not interested, Ry." He said, and walked out of my house. And my life.



———



I decided, after Spencer had left, that it was time for me and Brendon to take our relationship to the next stage. I was in love with him, painfully so, and he loved me. I wanted to strengthen that bond, bring us as close as we could get. I knew Brendon was ready for it, because he'd asked me a few times already, and I had turned him down saying I wasn't ready yet.



But now I was, and he was.



When I got into school the next day I went and found Brendon in our usual meeting spot and sat down next to him on the bench, turning and kissing his jaw.



"Hey, Brenny."



"Hey hotstuff, how's it going?"



"Fine, yeah. I had a bit of an argument with Spence yesterday, but yeah – I'm good."



"You should resolve that, you know. He's your best friend."



"I have you."



"Ryan, he's your best friend. No matter what you have, you always need him."



"Yeah I guess… Anyway, my parents are out tonight, you wanna come over after school tonight?"



"Sure, Ryry. I'll drive behind you though 'cause I need my car tomorrow."



"Okay. I'll see you later then, yeah?" I said as we stood up.



"Bye, sexy. See you at lunch." He smiled, grabbing my ass with both hands and pulling me into a sloppy kiss.



I grinned and pulled away, wiggling my bum as I walked up the steps into the school.



At the end of the day, Brendon met me outside and then followed behind me in his car as promised, parking behind me in the driveway and then jogging up to meet me on the doorstep as I fumbled for me keys, feeling excited, but slightly nervous.



When we got into my room Brendon shut the door and came up behind me, wrapping his arms round my waist then turning me in his grip to face him, pressing his lips hard against mine. I moved my mouth under his, running my tongue over his plump lower lip and slipping my tongue into his mouth as he submitted to my silent request for entrance.



Brendon pushed me clumsily over to my bed, moving his hands to my shoulders and pressing me down onto it. I broke away from Brendon for a moment and shuffled back onto my bed fully, lying down against my pillows with Brendon crawling after me on his hands and knees. Now that was hot.



He reached me and straddled my waist, reattaching our swollen lips and sliding his hands under my tee-shirt, rubbing my stomach and chest up and down roughly. His fingers slid over one of my nipples causing me to moan into the kiss, and at the sound of my moan Brendon detached out mouths and sat up on my thighs, bringing his hands down to unbuckle my belt swiftly and undo my trousers, lifting off me to pull them down to my knees along with my boxers. I kicked my shoes off then hurriedly shook my trousers and underwear onto the floor.



Brendon got straight to the point, wrapping his fingers round the base of my penis and leaning in to lap lightly at the tip for a moment before running his tongue up and down the shaft and taking me into his mouth. I moaned breathily and reached down to run my fingers across his jaw, stroking his cheek lightly as he bobbed up and down.



"Bren…" I whimpered, tugging at his arm which was settled on my hip and pulling him back up to me, forcing my tongue back into his mouth. Brendon kissed back enthusiastically, pulling off his jeans whilst still half-kissing me and throwing them to the floor on top of mine.



"Bren, I wanna…" I said quietly into the kiss.



"Yeah?" He moaned.



"Want to, want to feel you… in-" Brendon moaned loudly and thrust his tongue into my mouth with as much force as he could muster, reaching blindly for my bedside table and fumbling in the drawer.



"You got… uh…"



"I got it… earlier, yeah. It's in a bag." Brendon pulled the bag out the drawer and grabbed a tube of lube, pulling away again to screw the lid off and coat his fingers in it. He then pecked me quickly on the lips before kissing down my stomach and nuzzling at the skin below my bellybutton as he pushed his index finger in carefully.



I shifted slightly at the discomfort as he added a second finger then in slight pain as he added the third, moving them around, and feeling inside of me. I lifted my legs up and he used his free hand to help me sling them lightly over his broad shoulders.



Then his fingers were gone and a moment later I felt him nudging at my entrance with the head of his penis, moving his hands, now slick with lube, up to pull my tee-shirt off then tightly grip my shoulders.



"I love you" I gasped as I felt him push against the ring of muscle, trying to enter, and then – the pressure was gone. His hands released my shoulders from their grip and my legs slipped off of his and landed heavily on the bed as he jumped backwards off the bed like he'd been electrocuted.



"Wh-what?" He stuttered. I lifted up onto my elbows and looked at him in confusion and hurt.



"What? What did I do?" I whispered.



"You l-love me? Like, p-properly?"



"Well, yeah. I- I thought you knew that. I thought we were on the same page! I mean, we-"



"No, Ryan. Oh, fuck!" Brendon cut me off, then grabbed his jeans off the floor, pulling them on hastily without even bothering with his boxers. "Fuck, no, I did not know, Ry. Oh, shit, I'm so sorry. I thought you got it."



"Got what? What do you mean? I don't get a thing, Bren!" I felt my eyes starting to water and blinked hard, attempting to hold back the tears.



"Like, all of this. To me – and to you too, I thought – it was always just – well, it was just a thing, you know? I wasn't meant to mean anything. It wasn't supposed to mean so much to you."



"A thing. But I thought… I thought you liked me?" I said quietly, and there was no point trying to prevent the tears that were running down my face in full force.



"I do like you, Ry. Shit, you're fucking amazing. I mean, you're one of my best friends! You're funny; you're the smartest and strongest person I know. You're always there for everyone. You – you're caring, and lovely, and you're fucking beautiful, but you're not – I mean, I'm not- not in love with you." Brendon straightened his tee-shirt, which he hadn't even taken off, and sat on the edge of the bed where I was still laying.



"You were about to have sex with me." I said.



"Yeah, but- I mean, I wasn't supposed to be making love or anything. Kids have sex all the time, it was just supposed to be a fuck. A fuck, that's all. I never would have even considered it if I thought you saw it as anything more…" And wow, okay then.



"A fu-fuck. What the hell? I mean, why can't it be making love? What's wrong with me? I don't get what I've done wrong!"



"Oh God. Ryan, nothing – nothing – is wrong with you, alright? I mean, look at you! You're fucking perfect!" He said, motioning with his hand to my naked body which was still sprawled out on the bed. "I just... I mean you're only 17 years old, and I'm not even that! I'm 16, for goodness sake! You don't fall in love at 16! I'm in my second year of high school! Besides... I want – I want to get married, and have kids... have a family, you know? I just want to be normal. I'm sorry, Ryan. I mean, if things were different… maybe if you were a girl-"



"So because I'm a boy, you can't love me? Well, I can't help that. I guess I'm just inadequate."



"Ry – I'm sorry, okay? I don't know what else to say! I didn't mean to string you along or give you false hope or whatever… if I'd known… But we can't do this anymore, okay? I'm not prepared to… lead you on anymore. I didn't mean for you to take this so seriously. I'm- it was never meant to mean anything. It just – It can't."



"So, you're dumping me. Because I love you."



"When you say it like that it makes it sound so terrible."



"But that's how it is, right?"



"It's not that you love me, it's that I can't love you back."



"Oh, right. Of course. So then, get out."



"Wait, what?"



"Uh, I said get out. I thought that was quite clear. Just – piss off. Get out of my room, get out of my house, get out of my life and my head and my fucking heart, okay? Don't even- don't even look at me anymore. Just go."



"Ryan, please, I-"



"Get the fuck out my house! Fucking leave!" I whimpered, and I didn't even have it in me to shout. Brendon left.



And I was still lying on the bed naked with my fucking legs apart and lube up my ass.



———



The next day, I felt lost. I always went straight to find Brendon in the morning, but I couldn't do that now. I saw Pete and Patrick, but they glared when I waved at them and turned their backs to me, so I walked through the front doors quickly and went to my locker.



On my way to homeroom I passed William and Gabe sitting against the wall next to Gabe's locker, talking quietly.



"Hey," I said, walking over to them.



"What?" William snarled.



"I- hi, how are you guys? Haven't talked in a while…"



"And whose fault was that, Ryan? Because it certainly wasn't ours. Whose fault is it that I can't talk to Jon anymore and Patrick won't come near us because we upset his precious Petey? Whose fault is it that everything is stupid and shitty and broken? Because it's not mine, it isn't William's, it's not Jon's, or Spencer's, or Pete's, as much as I dislike him now, or Patrick's. And guess what? It isn't even Brendon's fault. So whose fault could it be? Whose fault could it possibly fucking be, eh?" Gabe glared at me.



"I… I just- I didn't mean to hurt anybody. I was…"



"Nobody cares what you were, Ryan Ross. Nobody gives a shit what you were because what you are now is nothing. Nobody. So don't try to tell us what the fuck you were because it's too fucking late for the past. It's too fucking late for you to fix a thing, Ryan. So just – just piss off, get away from us." William said, getting to his feet and pulling Gabe up, both of them walking off down the hall.



"…in love. I was- I am- in love." I finished, and walked to homeroom as fast as I could as I heard the bell ring.



———



"Spencer." I sat down in my usual place in maths next to Spencer and looked him in the eyes, begging.



"Spencer, please. You're my best friend. Let me-"



"Correction, Ry: I was your best friend. Not anymore. You were the one who said you didn't need me, remember? So what? You thing you can come back to me now, just because you realise you were wrong?"



"Yes! I mean, no! I mean… I don't know. But you're all I've got left, Spence."



"Well I guess you'll have to settle for having nothing, then."



———



At lunch, I ate at a table in the furthest corner of the hall, alone. I watched Gabe and William sitting with a group of other guys who I didn't know the names of. They looked pretty happy. Pete and Patrick were sitting with two boys from their music class – Andy and Joe. They looked fine, too. I gazed at Brendon, laughing with Jon and Spencer at our old table.



I really was alone. Everyone else was happy, and I was alone. I had nothing, nobody. I was nobody.



Brendon glanced over at me and met my eye. He stared at me sadly for a moment; he looked regretful, he looked sorry. I stared back at him for a brief second, before I quickly got up and left the lunch hall, leaving my untouched meal on the table and not looking back again.



———



I'm so lonely. I'm so fucking lonely. My friends are gone, my best friend is gone, my boyfriend is gone, Brendon, Brendon is gone. Everyone is gone and I'm just by myself. I'm all on my own. I've got nowhere to go and no one to turn to, and I'm invisible now.



Even Brendon has given up looking at me. Spencer asked to be moved back into his proper maths class. Everyone is just… not here. They're everywhere – I see them everywhere. At lunch, in the halls, William and Gabe I see in class; they're all everywhere. Everywhere but here. Where I am.



I broke everything, and there's nothing left for me.



———



This is the longest suicide note I've ever seen, (not that I've seen many) but it's not really a suicide note, so that's my excuse. It's more like... a story. After all, I am a tortured artist, not a failed one – I have to write something that means something before I die, even if it is just reciting a chapter from my life. It's not the most interesting thing that one could read, but it means a hell of a lot more than most. To me, anyway.



I've tried so hard to be as strong as I always thought I was, but Brendon came along and he broke me down, he got into the deepest, most protected part of my being and he tore out my foundations. And even the strongest walls can't stand without something supporting them. I've tried so fucking hard to be as strong as I used to be.



But the votes have been counted, and I'm the weakest link.

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