Team Brendon: A Burnt Child Dreads Fire (cont'd)

part 1

"Ry, there's... there are pay phones over there, if you're not gonna let me use your cell. I need to call my sister."

"My dad'll be here in a few minutes." Ryan looked at the time on his phone, but he sat it back down on top of his things.

"Yeah but she needs to come get me."

"I've told you we'll take you home. It's not a problem." Ryan watched Brendon become more and more distressed, and he casually laid his hand over a couple of Brendon's fingers while they rested on the bench. "My dad doesn't bite and he's fine with taking you home."

"I'd just really rather have Alyssa come get me, seriously. It's okay."

"I know it's okay. Don't waste her time or anything; just let us take you home, and--"

"So I'm a waste of time for her?"

"What?" Ryan wrapped his hand tightly around Brendon's fingers. "No, I never... no, I'm just saying, we can take you home and not bother her or anything, or just... fuck, Brendon, what's so bad about it?"

Brendon shrugged and adjusted his hand under Ryan's. "I swear, I appreciate the offer and all but it's easy for her to come get me and... I don't know, just please let me call her."

Ryan wasn't sure if he should feel offended or hurt or just confused. "Do you... just... not feel good about riding with me? I mean you can tell me if you don't feel comfortable getting a ride from us, it's fine... we haven't hung out many times and I don't know, maybe it's creepy..."

"Ryan you do know that today would have never happened if I didn't trust you at least a little, right?"

Ryan chuckled and looked down at his feet. He flinched at the sound of his dad's car horn and he had no idea how long he had been waiting in the parking lot.

"She can come get me and I'll get home and hell, I don't know, I'll probably just call you and we'll sit on the phone and sound like idiots for the next six hours."

Ryan laughed and stood up, quickly grabbing Brendon's bag. "It's not like we haven't done it before. Alright Bren, we're going."

"Ryan." Brendon jumped to his feet and desperately grabbed at Ryan. He seemed almost scared and his motions were more like self preservation rather than annoyance. "Ryan, please just let me call her!"

"Bren, it's okay." Ryan spoke slowly and sternly and he wondered why he felt like he was talking to a scared child. "You won't even tell me why you're so opposed to this." He carefully grabbed two of Brendon's fingers to lead him away.

Brendon was mumbling words on the way to the car. Ryan's ears perceived them as whimpering and while he had no idea why Brendon was acting so strange; he felt like seeing how far he could push him until he'd just explain himself.

"Dad!" Ryan called for his father and motioned for the man to roll the window down. "We're gonna drop Brendon off." He awkwardly lifted his hand that was attached to Brendon's and his father nodded, rolling the window back up to avoid the heat.

"Ryan, please don't."

"Come on." Ryan opened the back door for Brendon before proceeding to the other side of the car. "Get in."

Ryan ignored the quiet introduction while he adjusted himself and his seatbelt. Aside from Brendon mentioning something about "farther down the road that Burger King is on," Ryan didn't quite catch the directions to Brendon's house.

They pulled out of the parking lot and Ryan finally looked up at Brendon. He didn't look angry like Ryan had expected. He looked defeated and sad as if Ryan had just spent an hour insulting him. Ryan flashed him a look of concern and he blatantly laced their fingers together. "What's up?"

Mild shock swept across Brendon's face and he responded silently. He looked down at their hands and then back up at Ryan before timidly nodding toward the front of the car.

Ryan laughed quietly. "Oh, no, it's fine. It's fine, believe me. What's up with you?"

Reassured, Brendon adjusted his arm in order to more comfortably hold Ryan's hand. "Nothin'."

"So... wanna tell me why you wanted your sister, or...?"

Brendon shrugged. "No. I mean, it's no big deal. Just let it go?"

"Whatever."

"You're gonna be pissed now. Awesome."

Ryan scrunched his nose and shook his head. He looked at Brendon and his voice was almost a whisper as he grinned. "Can't be mad at you."

Brendon smiled and looked down. He squeezed Ryan's hand for a silent response and his head turned toward the window. Everything was flying by and he glanced around the edges of the window to make sure it was fully closed. He figured his fleeing confidence had to be escaping somehow.

"Hey... you gonna be up for anything tomorrow?"

Brendon shrugged. Friday night, swimming Saturday morning, and Saturday night awaited... he wasn't sure he'd have any energy or life left in him. "I'll see. I might be really tired, I don't know."

"Well we can do something... uh, I don't know. Something not crazy."

"If I'm not dead, yeah. We could at least talk, though?"

"Well yeah, of course."

Brendon ran his hand through his wet hair. "Actually, uh... hey George, would you mind just dropping me off at that Burger King? I'm really hungry."

"I can swing by the drive through."

"Oh, no, don't worry about that. You can just drop me off and I'll go the rest of the way."

"Well if you're close enough to walk, you're definitely not putting me out. And if you're far enough to need a ride, you definitely shouldn't walk. Especially in this heat."

Brendon laughed to try to lighten the issue. "Ah don't worry about that; I'll get some water and I'll be fine."

Ryan watched his dad shrug and he wanted to scream something about "you can't just stand for this, tell him no," but even Brendon knew he had finally won the little argument. Ryan looked at him with a disappointed glare and Brendon's face grew sadder, even more so when Ryan let go of his hand and started separating their things. Regardless of how childish it was or how much worse he didn't know he was making Brendon hurt, he just wanted to pout over the situation for a while.

Ryan moved to the front passenger seat once Brendon was inside the building, and he turned to his father. "Did he tell you where he lives?"

"He didn't give me all the directions. Just told me to head this way to start. Why?"

Ryan buckled his seat belt and laid his head back, resting his elbow on the door. "You know, he just... hasn't told me where he lives."

"But he rides your bus?"

"Yeah, he said he's pretty much the last stop in the afternoon, though."

Ryan's father grunted. "Not sure what to tell ya. Might be in your best interest to figure that out, though. Things could get complicated if you don't even know where the guy lives, hm?"

*****

Ryan's skin felt warm; especially his face, despite the use of sunscreen. He attributed the mild burn to too many instances of rubbing his face when he didn't know what else to do, thus removing the lotion. He was more concerned with making sure that Brendon stayed covered in lotion than he was with his own skin. Ryan was afraid that if his friend was unprotected in the sun, he'd be able to stand back and just watch the melanoma develop over the course of five or six minutes due to Brendon's soft, pale white skin.

"No, actually." Ryan propped himself up on his elbows with his face positioned over the air conditioner vent. "That's not necessarily possible when the pool's filled with a bunch of families."

Spencer laughed sarcastically into the phone. "No, but it's still possible. I guess you just don't want to move too fast on the first date."

"It wasn't a date."

"Oh come on, you know it was."

"Hey just because I wish it was doesn't mean it's true."

"Yeah, well. Care to tell me how many times you rubbed your hands all over the kid, again?"

Ryan laughed and rolled from his stomach to his back on the carpet. "Don't you judge me!"

"Not judging; just making fun of you."

Ryan held his phone out to look at it for a second. "Dude, Bren's calling now. Later." He didn't bother giving Spencer a chance to respond, but he knew he'd understand.

Brendon started the conversation in mid yawn. "Hey, I'm home."

"Take ya long enough?"

"Well it was kinda far."

"Yeah and we wanted to take you home."

"Nah, it's fine. How are you?"

"My face is burnt."

"Really because I think I'm more of a pasty white than I was when I woke up this morning. Next time I think I'll let you dip me in a barrel of sunblock. Might be easier for ya."

Ryan used his bed to slowly pull himself up to his knees. "Yeah, if you don't want me to touch you at all."

"Well. We could work something out."

Ryan's laugh faded into a small whine. "I want you to come over or something. I'm so tired."

"Me too. Why don't you sleep?"

"I will. I have a TV in here and I think you need to come over so we can fall asleep in front of it."

"Aw, that'd be nice... really, though, I was gonna tell you I really shouldn't do anything else today. I know it's early but I need to work tonight and after last night and this morning, and... I'm just so fucking exhausted in pretty much every way."

"Well. Way to make me sad. Good job, Bren. I sit and rub all over you all morning and this is the thanks I get?"

"Dude you so can't get mad at me, can you? You can't even properly lie about it."

"Ugh, stop knowing me too well." Ryan moved his legs and pushed them underneath his blanket. "But I guess I'll have to sleep with you. At the same time, I mean. On the other end of town, which is just no fun."

Brendon giggled and made a strange sound that made Ryan smile. "I know it's not. I'm sorry."

"Oh, no need to be sorry. I'll just sprawl out and take your side of the bed as well. Your loss is my gain I suppose."

"Ah so I have my own side of your bed now?"

"Do you want one?"

"Of course. Is it big enough for two, though? I haven't even seen it."

"Oh yeah, enough room for a few people to live on, probably. But whenever you come over I'll be sure to pile clothes over about ninety percent of it so there's just enough room for us."

Both boys laughed quietly and Ryan found himself picking at the corner of his pillowcase. "So, uh... how are you?"

"Really tired."

"Aw, you sound like it."

"I know you wanna keep talking though."

Ryan brought the blanket up to his shoulders while he spoke. "Yeah well there's a lot that I want but I'm not gonna have it yet. Why don't you get some rest and I'll probably do the same, honestly."

"No, nah it's alright... you know, you were really nice to me today and I really don't want to... I don't know, don't wanna disappoint you or anything."

"Sweetie you don't need to worry about that." Ryan could hear the physical and emotional exhaustion in Brendon's voice. "I know you'll feel better if you rest. How about you give me a call tomorrow sometime?"

"When?"

"Whenever. I always have my phone with me and I don't care if you wake me up."

"You sure?"

"Definitely; I'd never mind waking up to you so you can call me whenever."

"I'll take your word for it. Just don't forget that you gave me permission, because you never know what I'll surprise ya with."

Ryan laughed and stretched his legs. "I look forward to it. Sleep well, you."

"See ya Ry."

*****

Greg's hands didn't feel like Ryan's. His fingers were short and calloused and his hands had no respect for Brendon's skin, but Brendon knew he had to respect them. He may have had some respect for Ryan's hands but he felt that it was more like a genuine appreciation laced with a little bit of surprise.

Brendon didn't want to go to work anymore. The amount of time he spent wanting this job could be measured in the few hours between the time his sister suggested bringing him along and the first time he watched Greg's eyes as he approached him. Brendon was ashamed of a lot of things; his home, his family to an extent, his clothes, his appearance, his inability to fight for his life. He wasn't ashamed of his job, exactly. He wasn't ashamed of how his sister made her money, either. He knew his sister and he knew her morals, and contrary to what the rest of the world might have thought, he knew she had strong ones. But Brendon knew that his job wasn't as much of a job for him as it was a compensated obligation. While he justified it by comparing the lack of effort on his part versus the hundreds of dollars he could leave with every night, Brendon knew he needed money if he wanted to rid himself of everything he was ashamed of.

"Lissy's coming back soon. You're busy now."

"Huh?" Brendon casually wiped his eyes, but Greg pushed his head hard into the wall upon hearing his lapse in understanding.

"I said your sister will be back here. You need to do your job; she'll see you. You don't want her to see you standing here being lazy."

Brendon shook his head and stood up straight.

"I wouldn't want that, either. Wouldn't want to have to yell at you and disappoint her." Greg smiled and shook his head. "She's so fucking proud of her baby brother."

Brendon nodded and looked around the room. He wasn't sure what work there would even be for Greg to give him.

"Here." Greg pulled a few tissues out of a box and pointed to a window that was covered from the outside. Only a little halo of neon light was allowed to leak in at the sides. "Go wipe that down; it's disgusting. Or just sit there until you hear the girls coming back. Then look busy because I'm not going to cover for you."

Brendon nodded flinched when Greg tossed him a bottle of cold water, but he was able to catch it despite the condensation. It was a nice gesture, all things considered, but he knew that Greg had it in his own best interest to make sure he was taken care of.

"You need any food?"

"Uh, no... no, I'm alright."

"Mmm. Well." Greg produced a wad of money from his pocket and pulled a one hundred dollar bill from the mix. He held it up and looked at it, and then raised an eyebrow at Brendon.

Brendon thought of Ryan's face. He thought of Ryan's smile and Ryan's hands on his tense shoulders, and Ryan's hand in his. Brendon finished earning his money by giving an honest smile. He didn't need to tell Greg exactly what gave it its honesty, though. Greg could think whatever he wanted and Brendon could have his money. It worked out in the end.

Greg disappeared through a doorway and Brendon took a long drink of water, stopping for breath and to avoid a sudden headache. The water was cold enough that he wanted to pour it all over his skin. The air conditioner had to work its magic out in the main room of the building, and it was warm enough in the room that the walls seemed to sweat beads that served as the only witnesses for what Brendon worked hard to hide. He rubbed at the window and the lonely pink light peeked inside and colored his skin. Brendon kept rubbing at nothing, ignoring the light that reminded him of where he was.

1,312. The countdown seemed to be slowing in Brendon's head, and he didn't like the feeling.

*****

Brendon waited for his sister to finish showering before he took his turn. She took fifteen minutes and he spent fifteen minutes staring at the note with Ryan's number. He was tired and exhausted and drained and he figured it was what it felt like to be drunk; he felt like taking some chances and maybe giving part of himself away.

He stood under a stream of icy water for several minutes and it numbed whatever it couldn't wash away. He slid into a pair of thin boxers and Alyssa was asleep when he peeked back into the bedroom, so he quietly pulled the door shut. The living room was lit enough by the moon invading through the open mini blinds and Brendon lifted the cordless phone off its base.

He shut the inside door before manually closing the screen door so it wouldn't slam. The hollow cement steps leading up to the door were surprisingly cool on his nearly naked skin when he sat down, and he turned around to brush his hand over the cement behind him. He wanted to make sure it was fairly clean if he decided to lay down on his bare, clean back.

Where Brendon lived, people took whatever jobs they could land. It wasn't uncommon for cars to be moving at any given hour or for adults to be talking outside to avoid disturbing their children who were sleeping normally. Unlike where he lived before, the people around him were genuinely kind, albeit somewhat stereotypical and this fact added to his embarrassment. Still, these families tried to do the best for the kids, and Brendon didn't feel out of place sitting on his steps this early in the morning. There were plenty of mothers and fathers coming and going and some relaxing after work. It was normal for them, and if there was some sun and huge, beautiful houses, it would be a normal suburban scene. It just happened that it was twelve hours too early or too late for any of this to seem right.

When Ryan answered his phone, he sounded unusually awake and Brendon smiled at what seemed like a typical Ryan response to such an unusual phone call.

"Hey Sleepy, yes I'm okay. Calm down."

"You... fuck, it's five in the morning? Are you sure you're okay because this isn't really--"

"Ry, yes, I'm fine. I guess I shouldn't have called but I was going by what you said yesterday, about how I could call you any time?"

Ryan exhaled and laid back down in his bed. "Yeah, I remember that. I wouldn't mind waking up to you, no matter what... it's fine that you called, it just scared me."

"Well I didn't mean to scare you."

"You sound tired, Hun."

"You just said it's five in the morning, so yeah."

Ryan chuckled and curled up under his blanket. "Why are you up so early?"

"Why am I up so late. I got home from work and took a shower." Brendon became aware of his monotone voice and he failed at brightening it up at all. "I just felt like calling you."

"Fuck, what kind of job keeps a fourteen year old out so late?"

"Mine apparently. It's alright; I was with my sister the whole time." Brendon slowly laid himself back and looked up at the sky.

"Well did you wanna talk, or just... say good morning or whatever? You sound terrible, no offense. I kinda just want to wrap my blanket around you and let you sleep."

"Well Ryan, I don't think you have any fucking clue how much I'd love that."

"I'd love it too, Bren. Is everything okay, aside from the fact that even nocturnal animals are probably asleep by now?"

"Can you still hear me?" Brendon lowered his voice to a near whisper in order to dodge any open windows.

"Yeah, just talking quieter? Where are you?"

"Sitting outside."

"Oh. Well, um, yeah... is everything okay? You sound really angry or sad, or... something, I don't know."

Brendon chuckled quietly. "All of the above? Ha, fuck, I have no idea anymore."

"Well, talk to me. What's up?"

"Seems like everything and then I realize... absolutely nothing. Nothing's changed and I keep holding onto hope that it will, but it never does."

Brendon sounded honest, but Ryan desperately wanted to attribute the boy's mood to sheer lack of sleep. Ryan himself was prone to unhappiness if he was awake for too long. "Well what do you think should change?"

Brendon laughed again. "You know, we don't know much about each other, do we?"

"I guess we don't know as much as we should at this point. What do you already know about me?"

"Well, I know I like you. I know I like you a lot and that's one thing I know about you."

Ryan laughed and clenched his teeth together momentarily. "I know I like you too."

"And I know I like your hair. I know you're the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen, in quite a few ways that I don't want to get into now."

"And Brendon, I know you're beautiful. And yes, in several ways, and I mean that."

"But we've known all this from the time we met, haven't we?"

Ryan grinned and closed his eyes. "Before that, even."

"Well yeah, before that. But we don't know anything else."

"Bren, there's a lot I've been wanting to know. I just can't be brave enough to do certain things unless Spencer's doing it with me because we're morons together, and I love the dude and all but there are things he and I can't do together, and I know there are things he'll support but he'd want to stay out of. And basically, without him, sometimes I just sit and mumble and smile like an idiot and I hope you're okay with that."

Brendon laughed and laid his legs down over the steps. "I know, I know. You're such a cute brat but then I get you when nobody else is around and you're so fucking shy and adorable it's not even funny. But I'm like that too, minus the cute, and neither of us will know anything if we keep it up."

"Well I agree, except you're cute too."

"You know what? How's this. My parents got divorced about a year ago."

"Oh, um... yeah? I... did not know that one."

"That's why I'm here. Dad's a dick but he still tries to act like a dad, so I give him credit."

"So... you just live with you mom, then?"

"And my sister. Dad's still in Eastridge in our old place. I don't really go see him because it's a shitty place but he comes to see us sometimes."

"Oh. Well are you... well, not happy, but are you okay with it?"

"Guess I don't really have a choice? I know my mom's happy and that's what I want, because they fought nonstop. And those walls were so thin and I'd hear everything and yeah, I'm glad it's over."

"Well that's good, at least. Everyone can just live now, I guess."

"But now my mom has to work these shitty hours if we want to keep our place and my sister and I have to work, but I have to keep that one from my mom. And my mom's happy without my dad but she's only happy in other respects because she tries her damnedest to block everything out. She only lets herself see the good in things, which is nice, but it's excessive. She doesn't see that my sister acts like another mom to me and that I'm just a burden on both of them no matter how they look at it."

Ryan wanted to give his story, but it wasn't time. He didn't know this side of Brendon existed.

"I love my sister and I love how she takes care of me but she's only twenty-three. She shouldn't have a fourteen-year-old son to feel responsible for and she doesn't deserve that, and I love her to death and that just makes it worse because she doesn't deserve this."

"Bren, Sweetie, just slow down. Keep talking to me, but just relax."

"I don't know if I even remember the last time I was able to relax, Ryan." Brendon lifted his head a small distance and slammed it back on the cement once, squeezing his eyes shut. "Sometimes I think about everything being normal and then I realize that that's just not possible for me, and I just want everything to be okay, at the very least, and I know that can't happen either."

"Sweetie you have a mom and a sister who seem to love you more than I can imagine, Bren... nobody's life is perfect; I know mine isn't at all, but I'm okay with that because it works; my dad loves me and I'm happy, okay? I almost don't even have a mom, and if I think about it too much, then yeah I get mad, but why would I let that take over my life when it doesn't have to?"

Brendon was crying quietly, but Ryan was able to hear him. "But what happens if something does take over?"

"What do you mean, though? What's so bad?"

Brendon's only response was his continued emotion without any words. Ryan decided to let the question hang for a few seconds, but he realized that Brendon was actively answering. His heart sunk and he craved the boy's skin; he wanted to see that smile and feel it in his heart again. "Brendon? Hey..."

"I live in a fucking shack and I could have all the friends and family in the world and I still feel like I have nothing."

"Brendon?"

"Even if I feel good it just gets stolen."

"If I promise I mean it, can I say I love you?"

Brendon grew silent as he searched for words. "I... I don't know if you'd want that. If you knew how disgusting I am."

"I don't see that at all."

"And I want it to stay that way."

"Can I say it, Bren? Or would it be too weird?"

"Only if you mean it. Only if there's... just no way you're fucking with me. I couldn't take that right now."

"Brendon?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

Brendon exhaled a couple times with a bit of relief in his throat, but it was still too saturated with sadness. "Can I call you every time I get home from work?"

"Yes, Brendon... yes you can, and any other time, as well. I promise."

Brendon giggled and sniffed loudly. "I'm sorry; it's so late and I'm so tired and I just missed you and how you made me feel and you know, fuck you for making me feel safe enough to tell you so much." Brendon sat up and laughed at himself. "I don't know why you do this to me but you do, and as much as I hate it, I think I love it."

"I want to know everything you tell me, I swear."

"I wanna hear you talk about you, too. But I'd rather you go back to sleep and we can talk later."

Ryan shook his head for no real reason. "No, I can stay up."

"I'm alright, Ry. Just had to get that out and be a huge baby for a little bit, but I'm okay."

"Well, at least you're my baby, and I like that."

Brendon grinned. "But I think your baby needs to go to sleep, and so do you."

"Can... are we doing anything later?"

"You know, I... can I just plan on seeing you Monday? I'm sorry, I just want to sleep all day and... sleep. I don't know."

"Yeah, no, that's fine... you know, I still love you. No matter what."

"I'm glad you do. Like, really... Ryan?"

"Yeah?"

"You have no idea."

Ryan laughed quietly. "No, I'm sure I don't."

*****

Ryan's heart didn't really start racing until he heard the high-pitched grind of the bus brakes a few streets away. He had been content and excited all morning but when he realized that Brendon was just down the road, he caved in to worry. He was the king of worst case scenarios and he suddenly wasn't even sure if Brendon had meant any of the nice things he had said, or if the boy regretted trusting him with anything. He was terrified that opening himself up and admitting his feelings could have been a big enough mistake to crush their already awkward friendship.

The bus slowed as it neared him and he grinned wildly when he saw Brendon's distinct, smooth hand sticking out of the open window to deliver a peace sign. He couldn't focus on it long enough to see the boy's face and he shoved his hands into his pockets, looking down at his feet and smiling. Brendon already had his headphones around his neck when Ryan sat down. Ryan forced himself to take several seconds to adjust his heavy bag on his lap even though he knew he'd have to face his shyness eventually.

Brendon slid down in his seat slightly and he leaned sideways so his shoulder was pressed into Ryan's upper arm. His elbow gently dug into Ryan's thigh as he took it upon himself to use Ryan as a wall to lean against.

Ryan crossed his left arm in front of his body to quickly mess with his friend's hair. "Stay on me too long and I'll start charging rent."

"Don't worry, I'll pay it. Can I have pets while I live here?"

"Hmm." Ryan paused to think for a second. "Fuck it; it's too early to think of any decent dirty jokes for that one. How are you?"

Brendon sat up and ran his hands through his messy hair. "Awake. I guess you can take that as good or bad; it's up to you."

"Well I see it as a plus. What'd you do yesterday?"

"Slept. Ate, went outside, went back in. Uh, nothing worth remembering. I was pretty out of it all day."

"Shoulda called me. I was pretty bored. Yeah, Spencer apparently has extended family that wants to see him or whatever. Jerk."

Brendon giggled. "I guess I really wasn't in the mood to talk. I thought about ya, though."

"Sweet. That makes me less creepy because I definitely thought about you too."

Brendon was in the process of removing his headphones and slowly, painfully wrapping the cord around the CD player. "Yeah, but I... when we talked yesterday morning, I meant to say I love you too. I don't know why I didn't and I guess yesterday I was just pissed at myself for it."

"Aw, why would you be mad at yourself?"

"Because I should have said it since I wanted to. I just didn't and I don't know why and I'm sorry." Brendon looked up, innocent and hopeful, but afraid.

Ryan grinned at the boy and shook his head, laughing through his nose. "Fucking gorgeous, you know that?"

"Yeah right. Apparently I don't."

"Well, I'm telling you."

Brendon smiled sheepishly and looked out the window at the approaching school. "So what's up with you?"

"Not much. Here," Ryan moved his arms and started to lean over. "I need to hug you."

Images shot through Brendon's head and he found himself almost plastered in fear to the side of the bus. He inhaled, squeezed his eyes shut, and didn't move until he knew Ryan's arms weren't trapping him.

Brendon slowly sat up and shifted his eyes toward a very confused Ryan. Ryan was moving himself back to a more upright position and he had his arms folded between his stomach and bookbag. Brendon felt guilty but on edge and he hardly knew how to explain anything to himself, let alone Ryan, who was visibly disappointed and caught off guard.

After several days of being unsure of his actions, Ryan hadn't been worried about offering a hug. Everything else had gone smoothly regardless of the high levels of shyness and embarrassment and instances of "well shit, I could just about die," and Brendon had been more than receptive of his hands and words. Ryan wasn't sure if he was hurt or surprised. He wasn't mad at Brendon, and if he was mad at all, it was at himself for gambling with Brendon's feelings and taking more and more chances as he kept winning.

"Sorry, I just don't... do hugs. I'm sorry." Brendon moved quickly to help undo some damage and he grabbed Ryan's hand. "I love this, though. We can just do this, can we, or..."

Ryan nodded. "Yeah, but..." Ryan exhaled and licked his lips. "Sorry, I just thought it would be okay after everything else."

Brendon nodded. "I get that. I'm sorry. I just don't really do hugs, okay? My mom's lucky but I don't even hug my sister much." Brendon put his other hand on top of Ryan's and looked down at them. "It's nothing against you, I promise. I really like you, and... yeah, I love you, I said that. It's just nothing against you, okay?"

Ryan nodded silently. Brendon seemed like he needed to be held forever, and even if a hug was all that was practical, it wasn't even possible and Ryan felt helpless. The urge to feel the boy completely inside his arms had grown every day and now Ryan could feel it start to grow exponentially by the second. The fact that he resisted just told Ryan that the boy needed it more than he ever imagined.

*****

Ryan was vaguely aware of his pouty scowl and Spencer knew to tread lightly. His own interactions with Brendon in class had been fairly awkward because he didn't quite know, on Brendon's end, whether or not he should be aware of the current state of affairs.

"So he just won't hug you?"

"No."

"He'll swim with you and hang all over you in the pool and you guys will do that gross touchy thing that you keep talking about and he'll hold your hand and have sex and he still--"

"Don't be a dick."

"Sorry. Uncalled for; I take it back. But really, he'll do all that other stuff and just... no hugs?"

"I don't get it." Ryan slammed his locker and turned toward his friend. "He didn't seem weirded out or whatever; he seemed fucking terrified. I'd expect that if my fist was flying toward his face or if I pulled out a gun, but I wanted to fucking hold him, you know?" Ryan rubbed his forehead with is sleeve. "Well, you don't know, but still. You're right; he'll hold my fucking hand but he won't let me hug him."

"I get it, I get it. Why do you think that is, though?"

"No idea. How was he in class?"

"Quiet I guess. He's such a fucking nice guy, Ryan. He's really nice and funny if he talks and he just listens and does what he's supposed to do. Hey, this is, uh, weird or whatever, but is this kid actually your boyfriend yet, or just... I mean, I'm actually not trying to be a douche. I know he makes you happy, and I'm not gonna lie, I want it to happen for ya."

"Well... yes and no? I guess we haven't said anything official yet, but I told him I love him."

"Um, that's not official? Dude!" Spencer grabbed Ryan's arm. "And he said....?"

Ryan cast his eyes across the ceiling and smiled. "Long story short, I guess he said it too."

"Aaaaand after a year, Ryan has a boyfriend."

"Yeah, one who he can't hug."

"Don't dwell on that. I doubt it'll be a big issue... just try it again, maybe?"

Ryan shook his head. "You didn't see his face. He was so scared... I think he'd be afraid of me if I kept trying; I don't know."

"I'll tell ya what, I'm gonna talk to him more. First I'll make sure he wants to be your manfriend, and then I'll get to know him. I still have a class with him later on. Just remember me when you need to pick a bridesmaid, mmm?"

"Oh my God, you can't ask him that, Spencer. I'll flat out kill you."

"Hey now, just make it official. I'll do the work so you don't have to stand there and drool and stutter and black out and listen to your own voice crack while you ask the dude out, okay?"

Ryan glared at his friend with a slightly open mouth that suggested he might just be on to something, but Ryan was too proud to admit it.

"It's a favor, Ross. And it'll give me a reason to get to know him. Gotta know who my best friend's gonna be shacking up with soon and why he can't hug him, you know."

"Thanks, although I swear you're not going to live to see graduation."

*****

Brendon's back was toward the isle while he changed into his gym clothes and Ryan stood quietly, silently taking in the boy's pale figure and watching the movement of muscles under smooth skin. He didn't feel like it was time to sexualize the boy's body and think of things that he felt would just violate and damage such a light, vulnerable, genuinely good person. He saw so much beauty in Brendon's body and personality and existence that Ryan honestly didn't want to focus on anything vile. Brendon was too good for that, in his mind. Brendon had more to offer him, and that's what Ryan liked. He was used to reading about guys like himself being unattached and overused and Ryan couldn't be more grateful that he had found someone with an actual soul; a soul that he wanted to see in its entirety and hold in his own two hands. Ryan didn't have an interest in tasting and feeling and knocking the boy down, and he didn't want that done to himself. He wanted to know Brendon, and he knew he'd need an unbreakable connection between their eyes and hearts and minds before he'd even let himself think about moving any further. He knew Brendon deserved better than that because Brendon was better than that.

Ryan noticed the bruises on Brendon's back and he knew Brendon's frequent sleepiness was warranted with the amount of damage that group of little kids could clearly cause. He approached Brendon quietly and he let his fingers fall down on to the boy's shoulder, causing Brendon to flinch and snap around. He saw Ryan's face and he smiled shyly, picking Ryan's hand back up and laying it on his own neck.

"Sorry, you scared me. Can't sneak up on me like that, you jerk." He kept smiling and squeezed Ryan's hand and he let it fall back down so he could tend to his shirt.

"Didn't mean to scare you. How's the day going?"

"It's going. Ready for lunch, though."

"Yeah, sucks that we don't have the same lunch, though."

Brendon laughed. "It's alright; it's not too romantic so I don't think we're missing out on much."

"Well, how about if I take you out to dinner sometime?"

Brendon sat down with his shoes and looked at Ryan, intrigued. "That's random. Good, but random."

"What do you mean?"

Brendon laughed quietly this time. "I just didn't expect the offer."

"Well. Do you want to?"

"I'd love that."

A proud smile shot across Ryan's face and he was excited to tell Spencer that he had at least built the courage to ask the question. "You know, you say that a lot."

"Say what?"

"That you'd love something."

"When did I say it?"

"The other day after the pool, when you called me. I said I wanted to wrap you in my blanket and let you sleep. You said you'd love that."

"I would, though. Can't wait for that to happen."

Ryan smiled and purposely appeared to be excessively busy with his shoestrings. "It's just cute how you say you'd love things."

"Well, they all involve you, and I love you, so it all works out." Brendon stood up, smiling. He slowly walked toward the isle to head to the gym and he was sure to brush his hand across Ryan's cheek on his way out.

For a few minutes Ryan was positive that he'd be counted absent from class, and his body would be found almost an hour later, dead from a severe case of "oh my God, Brendon can't be real."

*****

"I come bearing questions today." Spencer obnoxiously threw himself down into a seat. It just so happened to be the desk right next to Brendon, although class hadn't yet started and it wasn't his assigned seat.

"Is that so?"

"I believe it is. So hey, you know me, I know you..." Spencer slowly moved his hand toward Brendon's and he watched a terrified look grow on the boy's face before he quickly moved his hand away. "But you don't know me enough to know that I'm an unfunny, sarcastic asshole. But anyway--"

Brendon laughed and relaxed in his seat. "Well, Ryan sure was right about you."

"He usually is, just so you know. But I do have a question. Kind of from Ryan, kind of from me because I know how Ryan is."

"What about him?"

"Well. What do you think of him?"

"Uh..." Brendon hesitated and tried to study Spencer's face.

"Dude it's okay; I know... trust me, you guys are fine."

"Well, he's nice."

Spencer laughed and stood up when the girl who was assigned to the seat made an appearance through the doorway, and he lowered himself down on the other side of Brendon. "I like to think there's a bit more depth to him, though."

"You're not gonna give me shit for this?"

"Brendon, seriously. What do you think of him?"

Brendon was tense and he looked at his hands in his lap. "You know I like him."

"Well, I needed to hear that from ya before I went on. You want me to continue, or are you about to stop breathing? You look far too scared for this."

Brendon questioned Spencer with his sad eyes. "I just don't know what you're doing. You're really close to me, sorry, it... feels weird."

"I just don't want anyone to hear us. I know you barely know me but you need to know that Ryan's stupidly happy about you and him, and you'd probably say it's cute or something gross like that, and the fact that I'm making you nervous right now doesn't matter because Ryan's the one who wants you to be his boyfriend."

Brendon's eyes shot open and he froze with his gaze fixed on Spencer's shoulder.

"I know he loves you, even if I'm not like you guys. It's my best friend's happiness I'm talking about, here, and he'd really, really like it if you really felt the same way."

Brendon broke out of his brief statuesque appearance and his smile beamed. "Wow, thanks, I..."

"Don't thank me; you're cool and all but I'm not asking you out; Ryan is. He's never done this with anyone before."

"So you do really... really think he meant what he said?"

"What did he say?"

"Sorry... when he said he loved me."

"Dude, he'd never say anything like that if he didn't mean it. I mean, just between me and you? You're pretty much Ryan's life right now."

"I... wow..."

"I'm gonna go sit before class starts so I don't get thrown in detention. Just... you don't have to give me an answer if you don't want; just talk to him." Spencer stood up and rubbed his knees. He was marginally nervous about the remainder of his mission. "And I'm sorry I freaked you out, there." He moved quickly to throw a snug arm around Brendon's shoulders and he felt the boy tense up automatically. When he stood back up, Brendon's chin was down against his chest and his eyes were shut tightly. "I just, uh... didn't want anyone else to hear us."

Spencer didn't get a prolonged chance to discuss anything with Ryan, but he was able to steal a few seconds in the hallway in between afternoon classes. Ryan had flagged him down and his face was clad in a huge smile, anticipating whatever information that he previously insisted he did not want Spencer to find out.

"Quick, Ry. You probably have a boyfriend."

"Oh my God." The forces of death and explosive happiness immediately went to war in Ryan's chest. He was starting to get used to wondering if he'd just curl up and smile himself to death.

"But your boyfriend most certainly does not like to be hugged."

*****

It was clear to Ryan that Spencer was doing his best to avoid him. The chunky kid had given him a distant thumbs up before hurrying off, despite Ryan's loud protests, and Ryan knew he'd probably end up wanting to kill his friend in his sleep.

Spencer's departure resulted in Ryan boarding his bus shyly. He almost dreaded seeing Brendon--almost--until his eyes met the boy's dark hair and the soft skin of his cheeks and he knew he could never be unhappy about being in his presence.

Brendon's CD player was nowhere in sight and he greeted Ryan with a toothy, thick-lipped grin that almost stretched from one ear to the other. After quick eye contact, both boys looked away and Ryan sat down. He didn't have time to make himself comfortable before Brendon's arm curled around his and their hands locked tightly. They both slid their bags over to cover their linked arms and Brendon squeezed harder, causing Ryan's smile to grow and his shade of red to darken immensely. Ryan gave up on relaxation when Brendon's leg pressed against him and the rest of the boy followed, leaving them pushed entirely against each other.

"You're so red right now."

"Sunburn's a bitch."

Brendon laughed. "Unless you were sunbathing in science, you're not that red from the sun." Brendon laughed again upon seeing Ryan's growing smile. "You're getting redder; this is too great. I love you so much."

Ryan sucked his bottom lip into his mouth and wet it with his tongue. He squeezed Brendon's hand and turned his smile toward him. "Love you too."

"So. How's my lovely boyfriend this afternoon?"

Ryan looked away quickly and rubbed his forehead. "Oh God, Spencer, that asshole." He chuckled and looked back over at Brendon, and seeing the boy's face made his answer perfectly clear. "I'm good. How's mine?"

Brendon could have probably killed Ryan with his smile, and Ryan wouldn't have minded. "Really fucking happy."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"You deserve it."

Brendon felt safer with Ryan than he figured he'd ever feel with another person. He responded silently by moving a little bit and resting his head on Ryan's shoulder as if they were the only people on the bus and in the world. Despite this surprising trust, Brendon felt the need to exclude Ryan grow stronger; showing him too much and letting him see inside his home and life would be too much of a risk. He wasn't going to be able to make it without Ryan, but he could never let Ryan know why.

Ryan tilted his head down, but he still couldn't see Brendon's face "You wanna come over today?"

"Really, yeah, I do... I'm just so tired, though."

"Are you getting sick?"

"Not that I know of. Why?"

Ryan turned his head and placed a discreet kiss just above Brendon's forehead. "You're so tired all the time."

Brendon shrugged slightly. "I'm just tired a lot; nothing new. Nothing to worry about, I don't think."

"Well, that's what I do." Ryan gave another kiss and almost feared he wouldn't be able to stop, but he knew he'd welcome the inability if it were to creep up on him. "I worry about people I love, and I take care of them."

*****

His sister's car was parked outside and Brendon could see the window coverings inside blowing with the hot breeze that rushed in through the screens. He still shut the door quietly, although Alyssa was sitting on the couch with the TV on at a low volume.

He found his legs lovingly attacked by cats and he glanced at the full food bowls. "Now you guys are just being annoying." He bent down and lifted a gray cat and sat him down next to the food. "Here, Oliver. You forget you've been fed already?"

"Hey B," Alyssa stood up and turned off the TV. "Hey, how was school?"

Brendon shrugged. "It was school. When are you working?"

"I need to leave like right now. But hey, uh..." Her voice trailed off and she gave her brother a one-armed hug, knowing he was too much of a teenaged boy to appreciate hugs from family. "Hey, I talked to Greg at lunch and he said he really, really thinks he'll need your help on Wednesday."

Brendon's heart sank. "But that's... no, I need to go to school, I can't do that."

"I know, but—"

"We'd be out until five and you know that's when I need to wake up. You know mine's the first stop for the bus and I wouldn't make it at all—"

"Hey, B, listen Sweetie. He's making it an early night for me since it's during the week and all. We'd need to be there around nine and we'd be out by one or two; I know that's late and you shouldn't do that, but it's earlier than normal and he said there's probably about twice the money in it for you, since he knows you shouldn't go in during the week."

Brendon couldn't hide the fact that he was close to tears. "Liss, I really, really shouldn't."

Alyssa put both of her hands on her brother's shoulders and rubbed his neck with her thumbs. "He made me promise I'd get you in, Sweetie. You need to do this for me, please... there's no sense in crying over this; it's just work, I know it's not fun, but it's gonna be one weekend's worth of money in one night." Alyssa didn't like seeing tears in her baby brother's eyes and she forced him into a hug. Her arms were thin and feminine and Brendon kept his eyes open to remind himself that it was just his sister—someone who had never hurt him—and he was able to partially enjoy the embrace. She placed a kiss on his cheek and pulled away slightly. "I can even give you some of my tips from the night, if you want?"

Brendon shook his head. He couldn't ruin his sister's view of her job and boss. "No, that's your money. Just... okay, what about mom? She'll leave after we do, then."

"Well, I'll tell her I'm dropping you off for a movie, and you have a friend who will bring you back before midnight."

Brendon thought about the possibilities and tried to think of a way to keep himself from wanting to die. "Well, if I went home from school with a friend, could you pick me up before we have to be there?"

"I could do that. But Sweetie, you know you gotta be careful with what you say."

"Yeah, I know. You work in a bar and I help in the kitchen. He knows."

Alyssa kissed her brother again and squeezed him tight. "You're so good, Babe. I'm gonna get goin'. Just get me directions to your friend's house and I'll probably swing by around eight thirty on Wednesday."

Brendon locked the screen door behind his sister and pulled his shirt off over his head. Sweat and remnants of small tears dirtied his face and he used his shirt to rub his skin, but he paused with the cloth covering his face for a moment.

With the windows open everywhere and his mother asleep at the other end of the place, Brendon found himself starting to cry again and needing to keep himself quiet. His bare feet stuck to the linoleum while he moved to a wooden chair at the dining table and he folded his arms to rest his head. He cried quietly for several minutes with his face pressed against his bunched up shirt. Greg must be desperate, and Brendon knew it would end up being a hard night. It was never easy, but some nights were more tolerable; Brendon would get through them. Others, though, kept him wondering if he'd finally be allowed to stop breathing. He was never in for anything good whenever Greg would insist he come in when he normally would not. Sometimes he wished he could just be freed of everything. The fear made him feel sick and the heat created by his breath didn't help, and he turned to rest the weight of his head on his cheek when a cat jumped onto the table.

Oliver was purring and his rough tongue was attacking salty sweat on Brendon's arm, practically forcing the boy to smile. He finally stood up and dried his face after the cat's tongue had moved to the sensitive skin on his cheek, and he reached for the phone. He had Ryan's number committed to memory as if it were a lifeline.

"Long time no talk, girlfriend. What's up?"

"Nothin'." Brendon held the curtain back with his leg and let the hot air hit his skin through the window. At least the air was moving. "What are you up to?"

"Homework and food. Sweet, sweet food. Your nose sounds stuffy."

"Oh."

"You have to be sick, Sweetie."

"Nah, I'm not."

"Then are you pinching your nose shut? What's wrong?"

"Nothin'. I just had a question."

"Anything."

"Do you think it would be at all possible for me to go home with you on Wednesday? I don't wanna impose or anything or just invite myself over, or—"

"Baby, that would be amazing. I've been wanting you to come over."

"Well, I'd really like to on Wednesday. Would your dad care?"

"Oh hell no; he really likes you."

Brendon chuckled. "He does?"

"Yeah, he said you're nice and if I'm going to be dating a guy, he's glad I picked a good looking one."

"Shit, you told him already?"

"No, I just kind of came home and died on the phone with him. I jumped, Brendon. I jumped."

"Ryan you are really fucking cute and you make me really fucking glad to be alive, you know that?"

"Same to you, Bren. Same to you."

"Your dad's awesome."

"Yeah, he's pretty great. He said he's going to bring home a bucket of congratulatory ice cream but he'll spare me the embarrassment of congratulatory condoms because he expects me to treat you like a lady and save it for after the wedding."

Brendon laughed so hard that he forced all thoughts of work out of his head for a second. "Oh my God, you can't be serious."

"Dude, my dad's the oldest guy in the graphics department for a magazine. He's surrounded by weird art people and if you think him talking like that is weird, you should hear how his co-workers talk on the job. It's amazing. Take your child to work day was always a learning experience when I was a kid."

"Yeah I bet."

"So how many days will you be staying?"

"I wish."

"Yeah, wishful thinking. But is there any particular reason you want to come over?"

"Besides you and your blanket? My sister's able to pick me up from your place on Wednesday. I asked her. I'll need to leave around eight thirty, though. I just thought it would be a good time."

"Any time's good for me."

Brendon sniffed loudly. "I just wanted to check on that... I'm gonna take a nap and wake up when it's darker and cooler outside. It won't feel as miserable in here and I'll be able to concentrate on homework instead of sweat to death all over it."

"Well, alright. I'm sorry it's so hot in there. You go ahead and sleep naked and I'll let myself think about that for a while."

Brendon giggled and rubbed his eyes. "It's not like you can fix it."

"Well, sorry, I... wish it was different. I love you, you know?"

"Sorry, I love you too. I just hate it here sometimes."

*****

part 3