grant ward is kevlar (imkevlar) wrote in pastprologueic, @ 2015-08-21 15:39:00 |
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Entry tags: | !type: log, character: grant ward, character: lincoln campbell |
WHO: Grant Ward & Lincoln Campbell
WHAT: They meet face to face and have a surprisingly candid conversation.
WHEN:
WHERE: Vault D
RATING: References to betrayal, grief, death, destruction, etc.
STATUS: log; complete.
Ward’s anger had pretty much faded at this point, a dull set of embers smothered under frustration, sadness, and impotence. Being so blinded by his rage at the people confronting him, feeling the necessity to explain himself, to make it clear why and for what end he was doing what he was, had cost him his freedom, the one thing he really had left of value, and while there was something to be said for the lives that would now be lived because he’d given trained agents the means to go to ground, that didn’t make his own confinement any less grating. But he’d settled into it. It was odd, familiar, like slipping on a pair of well worn gloves. He didn’t even know whether the scrubs they’d give him to put on had been washed from the last time he was here and right now, he didn’t really care. They did their job, and even though the sleeves still itched against his scars when he left them rolled down, he couldn’t complain. He was covered. He was comfortable. He was resigned. Though, Ward thought, gaze lifting briefly to the flat white wall of the box that he was in, it would have been nice to not be completely shut in. Even just a view of the staircase would have been better than this claustrophobic mess. Lincoln's place in SHIELD was still shaky; he was working with them, he was technically on one of their teams, and he ran across the other agents regularly. He was an affable person, so it was easy for him to be friendly and get to know people. He wasn't the wave-making type. But he didn't have a rank, and he didn't have the training. So he had a little extra confidence and swagger to sell why he should be able to speak to Ward. Take it up with Skye or Coulson, he said, pretending to be more sure than he was. He was apprehensive about the consequences of this, but also too curious to ignore it. Why he was there, Lincoln might have to discover with reflection later. But he came down to Vault D and studied the man on the other side, knowing for now he couldn't see anything. His eyes just naturally looked for bad injuries or things to be concerned about. The electricity was humming in the room, from the forcefield, and he was in tune with it, more than most. He wasn't there to stare at Ward, though, so he dropped the visual of the white wall so Ward could see the other side. And him. Lincoln looked like he didn't fit there, and he knew that. He didn't put on a show of trying to straighten his back or look more menacing. If anything, he was purposely at ease, the good cop to all of SHIELD's bad cop without even realizing it. He gave Ward a few seconds to adjust to a visitor before speaking. "So, we didn't get a chance to formally meet. I'm Lincoln." Well, this was…. unexpected. The others, he understood. They all had their own reasons for confronting him, for wanting to look him in the eye and ask why or say that they didn’t care why because he’d finally finished pounding the last nail into his own coffin. They all had their reasons, but this one… beyond seeing him writhing on the ground after going head to head with Mike or knowing that he was part of their rescue operation in the Arctic, there was no familiarity between them at all. There was no reason for him to be here beyond curiosity. Or maybe, Ward considered as he noted the way Lincoln seemed to be looking him over, a certain feeling of medical responsibility. “Ward,” He said, leaving a slight pause before he added. “Grant. Not that anyone actually calls me that. But I imagine they’ve already provided you with a decent rundown of my stats. It seems unlikely Coulson let you come in here blind to how awful I truly am. Not when he knows how well I can manipulate the unsuspecting.” There was a certain level of sarcasm in the words, a tinge of bitterness and exhaustion, as he took in Lincoln appraisingly. Why was he here? What did he want? “If you’re here to deal with injuries, I got out relatively unscathed. Nothing I haven’t had to tolerate before.” "Last names are a thing, I've noticed that. I don't know if I could drop many first names around here without getting the side eye. Where I come from, it's the opposite." Last names seemed too impersonal. They were all family. Lincoln wasn't sure he knew the last names of most of the elders. Authority around here was a different story. He side stepped Ward's bitterness for the time being, but he didn't ignore it either. "I'm not here to deal with your injuries, although it's kind of a natural impulse to look." He settled into the chair, glancing up and around the very bare basics of the cell. It made him a little wary, considering how close he could've come to being in one of these himself. Or how much it reminded him of when he was trapped by Hydra. He stopped that line of thinking and returned his attention to Ward. "I wasn't sure if the others would mention it, but your friend with the knee pulled through. He won't be running a marathon any time soon, but he's okay. Most survived. I thought you might want to know." There was sincerity in that bit of information, a genuineness that was all his own. “Most,” Ward repeated, quietly nodding in understanding. Most but not all. It was unfortunately but not overly surprising given the way that SHIELD had stormed the place. Everyone else had likely been turned back over to the government, those that hadn’t been injured, and it was more than likely once they were stable, those that had been would be, too. Still. That was better than being dead. “Thank you,” He said, his own sincerity matching Lincoln’s, genuine this time, though, it wasn’t as if it could be differentiated from when he feigned it. “Even if they’re going to go right back to where they were before… It’s better than going to the morgue of this place.” With that settled, his thanks expressed, curiosity took over as he peered through the forcefield at the other man, taking him in. He was airy, light, with none of the weight that settled on the shoulders of agents. He reminded Ward rather unnerving of Skye when they first found her, full of life and hope and concern for the entirety of the world, and Ward knew that that didn’t last long in this sort of environment. Particularly in situations where you ended up having to make decisions that cut that out of you piece by piece. There was a moment, a quiet lingering one, before Ward asked, “How long after you recovered before they put you on the Index?” Lincoln only nodded in response to the most, respectfully somber about that at least. He respected life, and it was murder by Jiaying's hands that made him start to doubt her. He understood SHIELD's reasons and Hydra's danger, but it wasn't easy. "You're welcome. I'm technically still in medical school, but I have a lot of hands on experience." He just had to take breaks to help his people and now he was on semi-permanent hiatus. Lincoln would smile if he knew he was being compared to Skye, and probably agree with the assessment. The two of them had a lot in common and an easy harmony because of it. But he was moderately worried about how used to this life he would get with time too. It was why he stuck so close to her, since that felt familiar and reassuring. He wondered what it was that turned Ward so dark; he didn't get all of the story. His small smile was rueful and forced. "I was basically still on the hospital bed." He made his unhappiness about this very well known with Coulson, but it was also out of his hands as soon as he was in their custody. "I know you helped them rescue me and the other guy. Can I ask why?" And given the situation with Jemma that Fitz had told him about, Ward couldn’t help but figure that SHIELD had been more than willing to take advantage of whatever hands-on experience he could offer. Keeping a decent staff of medical personnel on hand had never exactly been top priority, not with smaller teams, and he couldn’t see any reason why that would have changed now. Even if this was all of SHIELD that was left. “That doesn’t really surprise me,” Ward said in response to his question about the Index. “There’s always been a… particularly negative sentiment within SHIELD about anyone that has to go on the list. Muchless a flexibility about leaving people off even when they aren’t dangerous or are perfectly well behaved. Nevermind that anyone’s capable of being dangerous given the proper motivations.” Ward paused at Lincoln’s question, smiling to himself, a tinge of sadness in the expression. “My own stupidity, I suppose… And hope. And it was partly my fault that you ended up mixed up in it all to begin with. Coulson tracked me down. Blackmailed me, effectively, into helping him get an in with HYDRA. Granted, if he’d asked nicely, I would have anyway, but when you assume someone’s a psychopath, you give them ultimatums not options.” Ward paused, hands folding in front of him. “Mike was my in. Cybernetically enhanced with a transmitting fed that could be tracked. Not only was he the perfect bait, irresistible to the scientific mindset HYDRA fosters, but we’d be able to follow his signal wherever they took him, get a perfect fix on their location, raid whatever facility they were at, and hopeful get him back out before too much damage was done. What I didn’t factor in was that HYDRA was tracking someone else. The stopover, the raid on the office, you getting captured along with Mike, none of that was planned. I had to help clean up my mess.” "We've always worked hard to stay under the radar for that exact reason. Historically we've learned the lesson a few times, to be wary of others." It led Jiaying to where she ended up. Lincoln didn't support her actions, but he held no small amount of guilt about it. He saw the look on her face when they told her he'd been experimented on by HYDRA. When SHIELD got their hands on him, it was easier for them to find Afterlife. But those were inner workings that Lincoln didn't share. "But the world is a big place and no one can hide forever." Afterlife was a transient place. It was not supposed to be permanent. "HYDRA was already looking for Gordon. They found a way to track him." A flicker of grief passed through expressive blue eyes, and Lincoln shrugged. Both a physical expression and an attempt to shrug past it. "But you talk about HYDRA like you aren't one of them. You were just helping HYDRA agents. You turned against your team for them when it all went down, didn't you? I was technically killed by HYDRA, so I have issues with them, but … I guess I'm just trying to understand." There was no anger or real finger pointing happening in his tone and body language. He was having trouble connecting the facts with what he was reading from Ward, and they were contradictory. For Ward, this situation was… odd, unnerving. He wasn’t entirely sure what to do with someone who actually was genuinely trying to understand the situation at hand. It was harder still since he wasn’t sure exactly how to explain it in a way the mess that was so clear in his own mind would actually come across to someone else. But there was at least a place where he felt he had to start. “There’s a difference…” Ward said quietly, frowning to himself. “Between the people who did what they did to you and those that were locked up there. The people that were rounded up at the Hub, that were pulled off boilerplate SHIELD assignments like admin or desk duty monitoring surveillance feeds or chatter, they’re different than the people in charge, the people embedded in the science tracks, or those that would have been running operations. They made a mistake, a bad choice, and now they’re being held without the possibility of even a trial because of the way the government has decided to respond to the threat. Some of them might be true believers, unfazed by arguments against HYDRA’s actions, willing to sacrifice their own lives for the fulfillment of the organization’s goals, and them… There’s no helping them. But the others, the ones who chose HYDRA because of other reasons, whether their own or the effect of circumstances outside of their immediate control… They deserve a chance.” He just hoped that that made some sense outside of his own mind. “And I don’t,” Ward said after a moment, knowing how odd this might sound, “consider myself one of them. I never have. But they’re useful… particularly with all of the leadership in this region gone. They don’t know what to do with themselves, so I thought I’d find a way to put them to use. It’s better than them being thrown into chaos because of the lack of direction.” Lincoln listened attentively. Intentions mattered to him, a great deal. Intentions were what made him tolerate SHIELD even if some of their more vicious acts made him flinch. He wondered if there would come a day when his people were the enemy, and they would be rounded up regardless of their true danger to the world. Not that he ever put them on the same level as HYDRA, who chose to cause harm to others, who chose to fight for a cause of violence. But so did Jiaying and Gordon. They did it because of HYDRA, but chasing intentions around and around only made everything more of a gray zone. "You can't know that every person you freed there was going to make a better choice with that chance. Working desks and surveillance doesn't mean being oblivious to what you were doing, or knowing what was happening was wrong. Even people who believe the cause or the leader and want to blindly follow, they know, somewhere in them, that it's wrong." He spoke from experience, and he knew he wore that on his sleeve these days. The burden of a person who followed orders and watched innocent people die because of it. The knowledge that this was his second chance too, in a way. He shook his head, trying to work it through his mind. "See, that's a contradictory moment from you. You're sincere about giving them a second chance, but you also see them as useful tools. They're vulnerable and lost so you're taking the place of their superiors. You don't see why that would paint you in a pretty bad light to the people around here? You were taking over HYDRA." “No. I can’t,” Ward said, admitting it. He knew that in among the people that he’d freed were some truly nasty people. Foot soldiers with no conscience. Communications operatives who had used the flow of information to their own benefit, leaving loyal SHIELD agents stranded and dying in order to thin the opposition. There were likely those that would try and search out the old guard, who would do whatever they could to make sure they fulfilled HYDRA’s true purpose, who would turn on anyone who even dared to consider alternatives. “And I knew that when I started opening cells. That some of them would still be a threat. I had contingency plans. Not that they matter much now, given that there’s very little I can do about it from here,” He said with a very soft laugh. “Contradictory seems to be the only nature I can hold onto,” Ward said with a shrug. It didn’t really surprise him that he was doubling down, contradicting himself in the most basic of ways. It was hard enough keeping things straight in his own mind much less when he was spelling them out. “Those that wanted to would walk away, find some way to start again, either going back to the life that they left or starting a new one. Those that didn’t want to… I’d give them something to focus their energy on. And I can see it. I was well aware of it, but they’ve already made up their minds about me. This? Isn’t going to make anything any worse than it already was. I was always going to be HYDRA to them, even when I made it clear I knew that I’d made mistakes, that I hated when I had done, that I wanted to be something better. I was still HYDRA. All this does is make it easier for them. Less messy. No more undefinable Ward. He fits nicely in the box that was fashioned for him now.” Lincoln leaned forward while Ward spoke, his blue eyes focused and thoughtful while listening. His medical expertise came in handy sometimes, but it was his open nature that made him a good transitioner. He gave back to the Inhumans more by being a good man in a storm, someone people could lean on and talk to about what was on their mind. "I was recently --- well." He paused, swallowing hard, and then started again. "I was going to say betrayed, but the better word is misled. I was misled by two people I loved very much." He knew that Ward was someone who could use information against someone, who was said to be very manipulative, but Lincoln doubted anything he would use wasn't already bouncing around in his head in the first place. "I owed them, and I thought we were doing the right thing, but I was wrong." It could have led to a massacre. To worse than that. A calamity. That's what Jiaying planned, to equalize everything. Or that's what maybe she thought, Lincoln never really got the chance to pick at her brain, to understand. Now she was gone. "Grant, I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on you or this situation, but you hurt these people. The kind of hurt that leaves a permanent scar, that breaks hearts. And they might never forgive you for it. Maybe they will always see you as HYDRA. You can't control what they see." He sat back in his chair, his arms folding. "Going back to HYDRA, trying to set people free who could hurt civilians, that's not going to make you better, and I think you know that. Redemption doesn't come when someone tries and fails and then says to hell with it, I'll just go back to doing bad things, what's the point. Being a better person shouldn't be about other people in the first place, about them changing their minds or forgiving you, it should be about doing it for your own sake. For your own peace of mind." He shrugged and smiled self-deprecatingly. "I'm aware it seems a little self-help New Age-y. But I think it's true too." Ward was… staggered. A situation which had started out as unnerving, unbalancing because someone was actually listening for a change had taken another turn, a turn into a space where it honestly felt like he’d misheard everything that had just been said. Because, for once, there was no accusations, no threats, no attacks on his character or his intentions, just the quiet affirmation of what he already knew but was so unwilling to admit to himself. He had screwed up, done damage more severe than he could ever make up for, and he was reverting not because of what he kept professing, that it was easier for them, but because it was easier for him than having to make such a massive change on his own. “I’m sorry,” Were the first words Ward was able to muster, attempts to conceal his reactions having fallen by the wayside. This wasn’t like with Bobbi, Coulson, May, or Skye. It wasn’t even like it had been with Fitz. There was no baggage here, no reason for him to try and maintain a brave face for even a moment, to mask his confusion or shock or… whatever emotion he was producing right now considering he had absolutely no clue how he felt beyond stunned. He just had to press forward, and there was definitely one issue that had come up that he would address easily enough. “I know it’s not a good feeling… realizing someone that you loved didn’t have the intentions that you thought they did and having to watch things escalate beyond where they were supposed to end… Being backed into a corner between what you feel you owe and… what you know it’s going to cost. Especially when you’re not able to save them… either way.” Ward might hate Garrett now that the realization of what the man had done to him had sunken in, but there would always be a part of him, no matter how far it might end up buried, that loved him all the same. And still wished that things had gone the way that he’d promised decades ago. “And it does,” Ward said, mustering a smile in spite of everything. “But that doesn’t make it wrong. It’s just…. I’ve never done anything for my own sake,” Ward said after a moment. What was the point, after all, when you have no intrinsic value, when you were only worthwhile when you were doing for others, of doing something for yourself? “If it wasn’t for someone else, I’ve never really seen the point. And my last few attempts to help have…. well, they didn’t end well, for anyone involved.” Understatement of the century. Lincoln noticed the emotional change in Ward, and instead of bringing attention to it, he let the man come to grips with whatever it was. For someone usually good at hiding his feelings, it was probably difficult enough without someone pointing out his floundering. "It's difficult," Lincoln admitted with a sad smile. "I knew them for many years, we were family. They were good people once." But they hadn't been in the end, and he knew that, as much as it hurt. He could understand their reasons and still know somewhere along the line they broke. And now it was like piecing together the past, trying to understand where it fractured. "You sound like you're talking from personal experience, so … I'm sorry too." His eyebrows raised at that. He knew people who mostly lived for the job, or for others, or for a lot of reasons. But there was something intrinsically sad in having no personal things to hold onto. Lincoln would always have the Inhumans. He had Skye. Maybe one day he would feel connection to the rest of SHIELD. But he had things to fight for, to live for. He wasn't certain Ward did at the moment. "Finding our own path is difficult, but it's necessary. If you don't have your heart behind what you're doing, it's never going to succeed. I know rejection's painful, and having all these people hate you, even for good reason, makes it feel hopeless to try. But that's why it has to be fulfilling for you, otherwise you'll always be disappointed." They had plenty of people lost and angry and sometimes even villainous cross paths with the Inhuman. Once they made the transition, they were family, so finding peace was necessary. Trying to help was the only thing he knew how to do. "I know I sound like those obnoxious journey books, but I'm a transitioner. I help people in my community adjust to changing their lives and starting over. It's basically my thing. But I've seen it work." It worked for Skye, but he didn't add that. “Considering the conversations I’ve had in the last year, it’s a change… for someone to actually listen,” Ward said, gaze shifting to the floor as he folded his hands together, fingers worrying over each other as he tried to figure out where to go from here. Not that there really was anywhere that he could go. Coulson would likely end up killing him or wiping his memory, as he’d promised before, and then… Well, it wouldn’t really matter, would it? “I’m not sure who I am. Much less what my heart is behind…” Ward said, shrugging slightly. “Everyone I’ve ever cared about is either dead or they hate me. I’ve never actually known a world other than SHIELD. Or, well, HYDRA, I suppose… It was convoluted with the overlap. Half the time, I didn’t actually know who I was running a mission for. And you pretend to be something you’re not for… everyone you meet, and well… After awhile, you don’t have an identity so much as an ability to be what people want you to be. Or need you to be.” Ward paused, shifting before he looked back up at Lincoln, “I liked who I was with them. Better than who I was when I was with John. Or who I had to be during evaluations. Or who I was during field operations. But he was a lie… Just like all of the others were a lie. Everyone is so convinced they know the truth of who I am… Which is nice when even I couldn’t answer that one.” Lincoln nodded and glanced over his shoulder toward where there was no doubt a camera. Probably a few. This conversation didn't bother him to have, otherwise he wouldn't be there. He glanced back at Ward. "It's tough for people to listen when it's personal to them. There's a lot of hurt and anger. And fear, maybe. To believe again. Just like it's easier for you to go back to HYDRA and pretend that's what everyone wants, it's easier to think you're a villain who can't be trusted." His gaze turned thoughtful. "The person who you were speaking from experience about, would it be easy to trust him again? Would it be possible to get past all the ugliness? I'm honestly not sure if I could, but I know I'd want to, on some level." If Jiaying and Gordon were still alive, he knew the anger would be in the place of grief. Even with his even minded and forgiving way, there were some lines. He gestured around the room again. "These people aren't big on trust in the first place. I doubt a single one of them trusts me as far as they could throw me, outside of Skye. And I get that. I'm on my second chance, technically." The confession from Ward felt genuine, and there was true sympathy in his eyes. "I know this isn't the ideal situation, Grant, it's far from it. But you have an opportunity too. Maybe this is the time for you to think about what you want. I said you can't control the way they see you, so maybe ask how you want to see yourself. You don't have to be the person you were before. I can't promise these people will change their opinions, but it's not a good enough reason to hold back the best parts of yourself." Jiaying and Gordon went in the wrong direction, but their lessons were still being held by Lincoln. Even if they were liars. "I noticed you cared about the men, and that's why I came here. Because that instinct? That's something worth holding onto." Easier. Easier was really the key here. Ward had never been one to make the difficult decisions. Hand him two options, and he’d go for the easier one 9 times out of 10 because of fear of consequences, fear of failure, fear of…. well, a lot of things that couldn’t quite be defined. Fear of stepping out of his comfort zone. That was why he’s stuck with Garrett even know what he was leaving behind. Because he owed the man something, and it was hard to step outside of a trajectory that he’d been on for fifteen years just for the potential for something better… Especially when he knew that the second they found out, however they found out, that would have been gone forever. “I don’t know….” Ward said, a quiet honesty in his answer. “I’m angry. And I’m sick at the thought that I just… slipped right back into the situation that I’d been trying to escape when I agree to take his help. That I was so grateful that I was oblivious to the fact he was just using me, shaping me into a weapon for his own uses, for fifteen years. I know I shouldn’t even want to get past it, with all the damage he did, the people he killed, the times he forced my hand into doing the killing for him. But… there were times…. I guess that’s what makes it possible to keep someone under your thumb that long. But there were times when he was good to me, better than anyone else ever had been. And that guy… There’s still a part of me that wants him back.” Ward could only imagine that wouldn’t play well whenever Coulson and May watched this back on the monitors. “You had a reason, given SHIELD’s track record,” Ward said. “Wariness, distrust from the position of a person who had been slapped on a watchlist while he was still recovering from nearly being murdered, that’s understandable. Coming off of that, I wouldn’t say it’s a second chance for you so much as an opportunity for them to prove that you were right putting your trust in their intentions. Me, though… This is probably where I belong. I think, if you’re actually counting, I’m likely up in the double digits now of chances not taken. As far as what I want…. I just want people to stop getting hurt. I thought SHIELD would be different by now… But if anything, they’ve gotten worse. And they don’t even see it. They don’t realize that they’re playing into all of the exact same tendencies they used to that made it so easy for HYDRA to hide within their midst. They don’t recognize the damage they’re doing. And people keep getting hurt because of it...“ Ward said, sighing softly as he shook his head. “My compassion’s never gotten me anywhere good. It made me vulnerable. It made me weak. I thought, for awhile… They’re different than they used to be. Mostly my fault, I think, that they’ve closed themselves off, hardened, but before, that first year… It was the first time I actually thought that maybe being so open wasn’t a bad thing. With them. Now… I don’t know. It’s one of the few things I have to hold onto that I know is actually me.” Lincoln nodded as Ward talked about Garrett, to encourage him and also show that he was listening while staying silent. It was better for him to get out his thoughts without interruption. "I want them back too. Some of it because I want to ask why. There are still so many questions that we're never going to get answers to. It might be wrong to want that, but it's human to yearn for closure." He didn't think Jiaying and Gordon were bad the way Garrett was, although that could be his personal bias. They did plan on killing a great deal of people. Why was it so hard for him to remember they were villains? "I just want peace. Now more than ever. Everyone loses when a war starts." And he believed his people had the most to lose. They were powerful, but they were still a minority, and practically on an endangered list. There were too many dangers for the Inhumans, they needed an ally. "You say you want people to stop getting hurt, but you were helping HYDRA, man. That was a pretty aggressive move." He waved a hand to stave off any correct. "I'm not actually doubting you. I think you believe it when you say that. But I'm not sure you know a way of helping people without hurting them. It sounds like you were brainwashed by that guy, he knew how to create homegrown terrorists." He tapped a finger to his temple. "You tell someone enough times that you're helping them when you're hurting them, and that's how they'll start associating the two things." Lincoln paused and winced. "Sorry, I don't mean to trample around in your psychology like that." In a lot of ways, he couldn't even really stop himself, he thought it and it tumbled out of his mouth. "I guess I'm an idiot. In this day and age, in this situation, you'd have to be an idiot to hope for the best with people. To believe the best in them." He knew he was with the wrong crowd and the wrong profession, at least currently. As a doctor or transitioner, that mentality served him well. "But I don't think it's over for you. I don't think you're a lost cause. Of course I don't actually have any sway in this place, so it doesn't matter. But I don't know, maybe if a complete stranger believes in it, you could give it a try. Just a thought." There was a quiet disbelief in Ward as Lincoln stopped talking, a heaviness that soaked into his expression and his posture, just before he started to laugh, a slow, sad sound that was really his only option other than crying in front of a perfect stranger, “You’re not an idiot,” Ward said, managing to get the words out as he struggled to get control of himself. Raising his hands, Ward raked them over his face, rubbing his eyes as he took a slow deep breath to stop his laughter. “You’re probably the most perceptive person here at the moment. Because I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t have any idea. I’ve been trying to do what other people needed, give Skye back her family, provide Kara with some sense of identity and closure to what happened to her. And I hurt people in the process. I know that. But they were obstacles at the time, and it was… It always has been easier, to think of people as… barriers that have to be removed when that’s the case. Detachment, it was what Garrett wanted the most out of me, especially with how I used to get… attached so quickly. Caring is a weakness. Attachments make you vulnerable, both to the enemy and to yourself. You’re better keeping your distance from other people, isolated. I was more efficient alone...” Ward said, the last words lingering as he ducked his head, a heavy thoughtfulness in his expression before he looked back up at Lincoln. “But I wasn’t brainwashed,” Ward said softly, carefully, not even entirely sure where that was coming from. “I’ve seen HYDRA brainwashing. I’ve even participated in it before… And I went through nothing like that. I didn’t have any coercion, any controls in place. Everything I did, good and bad… it was of my own free will. And I can’t defend that by claiming something that isn’t true… Even as nice as it would be if I could say that I was,” He said, raising a hand to run through his hair. It was a question, though, why Lincoln would assume that he had been. “It would make things a lot simpler.” “But I know it was forceful. It was a tricky move, going to be a tricky move, considering,” Ward said with a shrug. “But I already tried talking to Coulson. I tried expecting more from him. I had hoped that the person he was would shine through, but… He’s not going to listen. None of them are. Not until they’ve been shocked into realizing what they’re doing wrong. And maybe… I went about it the wrong way, but that doesn’t change the fact that once SHIELD does get through with HYDRA, they’re going to turn their attentions on anyone else that they deem a threat. They have half a dozen secret prisons for a reason, after all.” Lincoln observed him again, sensing that Ward was emotionally reacting and needed a second to do that. He was very keyed into other people's emotions, and this man was far from detached. If anything it was his attachment that was the problem. "Perception comes with the job. I study people and try to help them, whatever that ends up meaning to them." He shrugged. "Maybe if you were someone else, Garrett would've been able to make that happen, but you're not the detached kind. You feel very strongly, it's written all over you." He gestured with his hand at Ward, as if he was actually writing over the other man's form. He was the visual sort. "Trying to be otherwise is going to constantly bring you to this crossroad, where you can't live up to his standards or their standards." Intrigued by that, he tilted his head and smiled. "A lot of people would prefer to be considered brainwashed. It indicates the person lacks full responsibility over their actions. You were manipulated, and from a young age, it sounds like. It doesn't absolve you, but you know that." Lincoln wondered how different this could have all been if Ward came clean earlier. If Garrett didn't have his hooks in so tightly. It was a tragedy that none of them would find out. "Whatever SHIELD does after this, it's yet to be seen. We can't control that. They're not going to listen to you. You're a Cassandra, possibly speaking the truth, but no one will believe you. I think they're still adapting from breaking in half; these are people who survived not just one personal betrayal, but countless amounts of them. From their organization, from their friends, from the whole concept that what they were doing was right and just. I don't know where they'll end up, and neither do you." He crossed his arms against his chest and shook his head. "But SHIELD possibly going down a dark road doesn't stop HYDRA from being the wrong choice. You know it is. So why not just walk away? This didn't have to be your life anymore." “I’m used to not living up to other people’s expectations of me,” Ward said with a quiet shrug, not really sure where else to go with this. However good it might sound, however grateful he was at the fact someone finally saw him, there was nowhere for him to go from here other than a casket or a CIA blacksite like the one he’d raided. Coulson had made it clear early on that redemption wasn’t in the cards for him, and the operations had made it clear that reconciliation was just as far off if not further. Doing it for himself… It wasn’t a thought that Ward had had, or something that he thought he even had the tools to accomplish himself. Not that he’d be in a position to get the chance anyway. “I tried,” Ward said softly. “To walk away. After SHIELD was invaded, Coulson found me. I guess I was the only option he had left. I mean, resources confiscated, base of operations co-opted, the only agents he was able to get out with were Hunter and Fitz. It wasn’t exactly a prime recipe for a secondary takeover much less the infiltration of HYDRA that he was looking to mount. He needed an in, and he knew I had it. So he tracked me down through Kara, used her parents to find her, which I suppose was also my fault. If I hadn’t encouraged her to try and reconnect with what HYDRA had taken from her….” Ward paused, wincing and squeezing his eyes closed as he bowed his head. “It wasn’t long, the time we were on our own. But we were happy… At least, as close to happy as two broken, haunted people who aren’t entirely sure of who they are as separate entities can be with unresolved issues hanging in the air. It was nice, for awhile, to have something that didn’t involve lying and manipulating every aspect of who I was and what I wanted. But I had something to walk away to then… Now,” Ward paused, shaking his head with a soft sigh. “Where am I going to go? What would I even do?” Ward asked, laughing sadly to himself. “This is all I’ve ever known. I don’t even know if I’m equipped for anything else.” "You're used to a lot of things that aren't good for you or anyone else. But I get that digging yourself out of a ditch feels near impossible." Lincoln was just worried about what that meant. The cycle was going to continue. Everything was so out of control in their environment. Ward wasn't the only one who was grappling for solid ground. Lincoln thought they all were. It could've easily been him on the other side of the glass, after a different set of choices. He knew vaguely what happened with Kara, but he heard the pain, and understood it all too well. "I'm sorry for your loss." It was an automatic thing to say when people were grieving, but it was sincere too. "What would you do? Well, you're still young and you have a lot of skills and training. You're strong, healthy, and intelligent. You've been to bad places and know what violence brings. A lot of broken soldiers go to the VA, either to get help or to help out others. Or you could dabble, do some manual labor, work with animals, I don't know, try a few things and see what sticks. Maybe you can't see for yourself what skills you have other than violence, but you're not the first person who has needed to start over." Lincoln spread his arms out into a shrug. "I know it sounds mundane and simple, but you don't need another person to start a new life. You can't do anything from behind these walls, I get that too. But your future hasn't been written in stone either." He smiled wryly, rubbing the back of his head. "More New Age crap, I know. But it's when people think they have no future that they get the most destructive." He glanced over to the cameras and then back at Ward. "It meant something to you once, being here with these people. They loved you, that's why it still hurts. We've already agreed we know a thing or two about still loving people who hurt us. The difference is our ghosts are dead, they can't change their minds or give us closure. You're still alive." “They don’t want anything I have to give them,” Ward said. It wasn’t a lament or a statement of regret. It was a simple fact, and while he hated the fact that he’d driven things so far into the ground, he was able to recognize a hurt that was still too sore to try and force the issue. It was why he had walked away in the first place even if the circumstances had dragged him right back to it. “And the only closure most of them want is my head on a pike. Which I’m not exactly sure I’m ready to provide.” Even if it would be the easiest way to solve all of this. “Start over… Alone,” Ward said, a contemplation in the words, the problem highlighted even if he wasn’t stressing it. He was just so tired of being alone. He hadn’t actually realized just how alone he had been before the team until he’d settled into being around them constantly. It hadn’t occurred to him how Garrett had kept him isolated on purpose, placed a fear in him about even attempting to make friends, and had only allowed connections based on convenience and potential for exploitation. He’d only gotten to know Trip, after all, because Garrett had thought that having an in with a legacy recruit might come in handy eventually. And now, isolated again, this time of his own doing, Ward wasn’t really sure how to cope. “I guess it’s an option… but probably only with a complete mindwipe. If Coulson gets his way.” "You could be right about that. I don't know any of them that well, outside of Skye. Forgive and forget probably isn't the way super spies go about their business. I like to think anything can be changed, but people have to want that." Overall, Lincoln thought it was just really sad for everyone. He didn't know the team well, and they did index him under duress, so he had every reason to keep his distance. But he was a peacemaker. He'd prefer to understand people, which was why he was down here in the first place. Blue eyes studied Ward thoughtfully. "Do you think having your mind wiped is better or worse than death or permanent imprisonment? Honestly I'm not sure myself. In some cases, I can see it working." Cal, for example. Lincoln was more than a little bitter about Cal, because he wasn't ultimately certain the man deserved forgiveness any more than the others. But it wasn't his decision to make. "I guess all I'm saying is if your clock is ticking here, it's all the more reason to take the time to think. About what you want. You say you have no idea about that, well now is the time to wrap your head around it." He didn't know what was going to happen to Ward or any of the others. It was likely for the best; he wasn't good at deceit. Someone like Ward would've easily been able to read him if he knew. “Worse,” Ward said, the answer coming to his lips without a second thought. There was a part of him, buried under all of the mistrust and paranoia, that Coulson thought he was doing the right thing by putting that on the table, by making it a stipulation of Ward going free. He thought that wiping Ward’s past from his mind, replacing it was something less horrific, would leave him… purified in some way. But he wasn’t pure. He was soiled, scarred, and to try and turn him into something other than that, it’d be every bit the lie that the man he’d been for the months he was with the team was. “Making someone better by changing who they are at a fundamental level, by altering their memories, it’s… not real. And considering what Coulson went through when SHIELD did it to him, the way that the gaps in his mind nearly drove him over the edge, the idea of risking something like that happening with me when my reactions to confusion are far more… unstable. I like that idea almost as much as I like the possibility of losing what little identity I do have.” "I'd probably agree. It's just a different kind of death, but I can see the appeal if someone can't find it in them to kill someone they used to care about." He didn't get the sense Coulson meant it in a resentful and cruel way. He probably saw it as a second chance for Ward; a way to get him out of the way without it being in a casket. Then again, he knew very little of Phil Coulson. He was more hopeful that cruelty wasn't the intention. He might have gone on, but it seemed like his time was up. Either someone got the word out to the higher ups, or they'd been watching and felt like it was time to cut them off. Lincoln heard them coming and stood up, stepping closer to the forcefield. "I don't really know what to say, Grant, but I guess good luck is the only option." Depending on what he said to the others once they asked him about this, he may or may not be granted permission to do it again. He would deal with the consequences either way. A different kind of death. Exactly. And as much as he wanted to live now, wanted to have some sort of life whatever that may be, there was still a part of him that preferred the idea of being killed outright to living a half life as… something else, someone else. Especially if that plan was just because Coulson couldn’t bring himself to get the task done. “You’ve said more than enough,” Ward said, managing a small, sincere smile before casting his gaze towards the doorway above the stairs as it started to creak. “I’m not the only one that’s going to need some luck, though,” He said, leaning closer to the barrier as the door opened so that they wouldn’t be overheard. “I hope that they end up proving me wrong. You’re too nice a guy for them to dick over by being themselves.” Lincoln smiled at Ward when he leaned close, knowing those words were private, and he shrugged. "I hope they prove all us doubters wrong. There's too many people counting on them to be better." He doubted because he was paranoid of humans having control over his people, but he was willing to take it on faith, because that was the option left to them. But he was worried for his people, so he had to believe. "I know, I'm going," he said when the serious faced agents came in. They were always so serious around here. Lincoln nodded one more time to Ward and then left, his mind whirling, since he was probably going to need to explain a few things. But he did get some answers he was looking for, so it wasn't a wasted visit. |