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winchester, sam. ([info]demonblood) wrote in [info]parabolical,
@ 2009-11-07 23:13:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:faith lehane, sam winchester

WHO: Sam & Faith.
WHAT: Talking.
WHEN: Evening.
WHERE: A pizza parlor.
RATING: TBD.
STATUS: In progress.



Sam was relieved. It seemed as though everything had been chaotic for Faith and the Hyperion over the past while. Constant threats, people being abducted - himself included - and then there was the repetitive feeling of something bad hanging high above their heads. It was all trouble, none of which Sam was ever very happy to see take place. He was tired of the fighting; tired of the war that they were all thrown into. Sam was more than prepared for the fights to end, even though he imagined that it wouldn't be a while until they did. If ever.

Now, though, he was pleased to find that the threats had boiled down a bit. It must have been a bit better back at the Hyperion now, otherwise Faith wouldn't have found the time to actually rest up and go out with him for dinner. He was grateful for the opportunity, as it was rather obvious that they both needed to talk. About what? Sam wasn't entirely certain as of yet, but he was confident that Faith would bring it up soon enough. At the thought, Sam glanced over at her, looking up and away from the glass of soda perched in front of him. They were situated at a table on the far side of the tiny restaurant. Just a normal couple sitting among the few other customers being served alongside them. Normal. Now that was funny.

Clearing his throat, Sam pushed his glass aside and leaned back in his chair. He examined Faith quietly for a moment before he finally said, "You sure you've been getting enough rest? You still look tired."

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-11-08 05:02 am UTC (link)
Faith had honestly been surprised when Sam had said he wanted to go out for food. She'd been expecting to be asked over to his place, possibly with sandwiches, since that and popcorn was about the limit of their combined cooking abilities. But he'd asked her actually out and Faith wasn't going to complain. And with Madra being looked after at the Hyperion, her attention was completely on Sam.

And they still needed to talk, and Faith was kind of hoping the fact that they were in public would limit any yelling Sam might potentially do. She was never entirely sure what might make him yell these days, which was both confusing and annoying.

At his question she stopped stirring at the ice in her soda glass and glanced over to him, a half smile on her face. "It's been a long few days," she admitted before she thought more and felt the need to expand on that. "Long year actually, but the last few days were really not fun. Didn't really know what was even going on which was pretty hard to deal with." The fact that Lindsey had deliberately left her out of the loop stung with as much betrayal as his helping Eve. It was painful to know that when it had really mattered, he had trusted strangers and a psycho over people he had known a long time, over her. Sooner or later that would probably need to be talked about too, but right now her priority was Sam.

"I'm fine, really. Are you okay?"

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[info]demonblood
2009-11-08 05:13 am UTC (link)
Sam nodded, hands clasping together in his lap underneath the table. "I know. Things haven't been..." Sam shook his head, mouth turning into a sort of half frown. "I wish that they could have been easier." Part of that was his fault. The rest was to be blamed on the Powers for being such assholes. "I'm sorry that you've had to put up with all this crap lately." He actually preferred it when the city was nice and quiet. When it got busy and filled with potential death and misery for all, things generally got very disorienting. And that was putting it nicely.

"Me?" His brows rose upward, right before Sam shot her a slightly amused look. "I'm okay. Really. I'm just glad that you're actually getting some air." He was dealing with his own issues, as always, but it was nothing that Faith didn't already know about. Every day he craved the blood; every day he fought that craving and won. There was nothing in the world that was going to make him go back into that sick habit again. "Thought that the whole..." He waved a hand up, gesturing to their surroundings. "Outing would be healthy. For the both of us. What do you think? Grease ridden pizza parlor - good? Bad? Should we go for sushi next time? I guess that's healthy."

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-11-08 05:22 am UTC (link)
"It wouldn't be LA if things were easy," Faith pointed out with a wry smirk, reaching to drink some of her soda before she placed the glass back down, trailing her fingers idly through the condensation on the cold surface. "There's crap, I deal, that's just how it goes. Besides, can't have me getting bored now can we." The Powers That Be letting her take the time to get bored, now that was a joke. It always was one crisis after another.

She looked over to him, wrinkling her nose with disgusted laughter. "Food is not supposed to be raw, fish is not supposed to be raw, that just cannot be healthy. And they always serve it in those tiny little portions that leave you still hungry. No way, pizza is definitely the better option. I am a girl of simple tastes," she held her fingers up as she counted them off. "Pizza, other Italian food, Mexican food or Chinese take out, but only if it's just greasy enough." She shrugged with a helpless 'what can you do?' expression.

"It's good though," she glanced away to straighten her glass on its coaster. "That you're doing okay."

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[info]demonblood
2009-11-08 05:48 am UTC (link)
"Actually, sushi is pretty good." Sam tilted his head to the side, brows still raised in that politely curious expression that he had perfected over the years. "Have you ever tried it? First time it's always a bit odd going down, but if you figure out what your preference is and how you like it made, it's actually a pretty solid thing to go out and eat." Of course, Sam didn't expect for Faith to agree. Sushi was really made for people with acquired tastes. See also: bravery. Sam decided he'd push that particular note out there if Faith didn't agree to go out and try it with him sometime. He was pretty sure she wouldn't be able to pass up if he started reeling out the chicken card.

"I usually consider that a good thing, yes," Sam agreed. his amusement returning briefly. "I like being okay. Being not okay sucks." Sam reached for his glass and sipped at the straw. He was gonna need a refill soon. "But, uh...beyond the generally levels of 'okay', do you remember what you said to me before? About talking?"

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-11-08 05:55 am UTC (link)
"Sam" Faith looked at him like she was talking to s five year old. "It's raw fish in tiny portions. That is just not natural, I don't need to try it to know that." She shook her head with a laugh, not seeing the appeal in any way. It was a weird type of not-food. "And how many different ways are there even to make raw food? It's raw!" And weird. Very.

Faith's own drink was going down much more slowly, as she mostly just toyed with the glass, making the ice clink as it melted. "Yeah, I remember." She was grateful he did, as well as being nervous about the subject matter in general. Ruby. One big emotional minefield of a topic. "You pretty much hated that plan, didn't you." It was a rhetorical question really. And she didn't even feel the need to specify which plan she was talking about, there had been only one lately she had been involved in.

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[info]demonblood
2009-11-08 06:08 am UTC (link)
"Faith." He repeated her name back, giving her that same look. "It's a traditional meal plenty of cultures. All of which have been eating sushi for hundreds upon hundreds of years. You can't argue food that's survived a couple centuries." Were they really having a sushi debate? Ah, well. It was a better turn away from the depressing talk of the constant threats they had to deal with around here. "There are dozens of different ways to make it. You've got Bara, Chirashi, Nigiri, Okonomi, Temaki - there are a lot. That's not even the tip of the iceburg. You can't bash on something until you've tried it."

Sam lifted his shoulders into an awkward shrug. "Not gonna say I was a terribly big fan of it. You have any idea what it was like having to sit around and do nothing while all of that was going on?" He hated not being able to help. It just left Sam with nothing to do but panic, worry, panic, worry - rinse, wash, repeat.

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-11-08 06:14 am UTC (link)
"Those don't even sound like real words," Faith retorted, even if her grin was playful. It was a dumb debate, utterly pointless and lighter than anything else that had been going on lately. "And you know arsenic was used in make up for centuries and that's not exactly good for a girl so the length of time something's been done is hardly the only endorsement. And I haven't eaten French food either, but I can still find snails and frogs legs too weird."

The grin faded slightly as she brought her hand up to twist a lock of her hair, a nervous distraction as she tried to think of how to talk about this. "I was pretty much left out of the plans after that, so I kinda know." But this wasn't the time or place for that bitterness that wasn't even directed at Sam. "It may have sucked as an idea, but it was a solid plan," she nodded slightly. "Even if it was Ruby's." There. The name out loud and hanging there in the air.

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[info]demonblood
2009-11-08 07:38 am UTC (link)
"They are real words," Sam countered, reaching for his soda again, "they're from different places all over the world, you can't expect for them to sound English." Sam smirked against his straw, pushing his now empty glass to the side. "Snails and frog legs are weird. But they consider it a delicacy. Who are we to argue?" Not that Sam would ever indulge in such a thing. Without being paid. Or blackmailed. Or on the verge of death. Something along those lines. There was a very, very fine line between sushi and all that.

Sam tensed at the mention of Ruby. He couldn't help it. It was a bad habit. "Oh." Clearing his throat, Sam looked down and picked at his napkin. It was going to likely end up shredded before they got their hands on their food. "Yeah, that was...pretty weird, wasn't it? I mean, what with her helping and all." He looked up, eyes cautious. "What do you think she's up to?"

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-11-08 02:25 pm UTC (link)
"They sound like words from TK's universe, not words from this world," Faith stuck her tongue out as if that could close the argument once and for all. Who needed debating when there were gestures? "And they're French, they're just weird." Giles had once been very cutting about the French, but Faith suspected that was just a weird British thing, all Brits seemed to be scornful about the French.

She noticed Sam's tension, even tensing somewhat herself. She felt like she was walking a tightrope of some kind, so close to somehow falling off and this all going so very badly. "What makes you think she's up to something?" She kept her tone carefully controlled, not snapping, keeping the accusations out, just talking. Trying to keep her balance. "I know you've been talking to her sometimes." Not a question, not trying to trip him up, just a statement. She was even faintly proud of how much she'd managed to keep the hurt out of her voice.

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[info]demonblood
2009-11-08 10:51 pm UTC (link)
"They're words from this world! Google them!" He rolled his eyes, almost playfully. It was hard to get annoyed at her when she was being so cute. Sticking her tongue out and all. "The French are very respectable." Sam looked at her and shrugged. "I mean, they have cool accents. You can't not respect a country that brings on the funny accents." There, less with the serious and book smarts and more with the attempt at silly. Sam needed more practice. He was still out of shape on it.

Why? Why were they talking about that? "Uh, I dunno. It's...Ruby, isn't it?" Sam crumpled up the napkin and pushed it aside. Better to avoid making a mess because he was feeling uncomfortable. Sam didn't feel like cleaning it up. "Can't exactly trust what she says or does. There's gotta be some hidden motive. Ruby doesn't help people just 'cause she feels like it out of the goodness of her heart." Not that she had a heart. Sam didn't think she did. Probably. Maybe. He cleared his throat uncomfortably and rubbed at the back of his neck with a hand. "Yeah, I've been talking to her. Not too much, but there have been conversations over the boards."

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-11-08 11:00 pm UTC (link)
"How can I Google them when I don't even know how to spell them?" Faith pretended to pout. "The French are respectable?" She grinned and shook her head. "You ever heard the joke about how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris?"

Still, she wished they could keep bantering about sushi or France's lousy record with wars or something equally meaningless to any couple sitting in a pizza place in Los Angeles. Not Ruby. But avoiding the topic hadn't exactly been working well for them so far. "Maybe she's got a motive," she commented, her tone non committal. "I figure that's up to angel boy to worry about. What with his all seeing stuff and all." Castiel wanted to stay with her, that made her his responsibility. Or it did the way Faith saw it.

"Some filtered conversations on the boards," she breathed in somewhat sharply, trying to keep her voice steady as she stared at the crumpled napkin. She wanted to stay calm, not become hurt or accusing. "How come?"

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[info]demonblood
2009-11-09 12:24 am UTC (link)
"Actually, I haven't," Sam replied, looking a bit skeptical. How many French men did it take? No, that couldn't be a literal question. Sam would wait for the punchline. It was better than trying to count up all the possibilities before realizing that it was a joke that he wouldn't have been able to evaluate the conclusion for in the first place. Dean would be mocking him right about now for taking it all so seriously.

"Except I worry that 'angel boy' is being too distracted by his relationship with her to focus on the tiny things that Ruby has been known for getting away with," Sam muttered, shaking his head. He had respect for Castiel, that was a given. But Sam couldn't quite understand why he had accepted Ruby back into his graces so easily. He couldn't talk, of course. But at least he wasn't best friends with her right about now. Sam didn't intend for that one to ever happen again either.

"'Cause...I dunno." Sam could tell that she didn't like where this was going. Sam didn't like it either. He awkwardly shifted in his chair and exhaled slowly. "It's complicated, Faith." Normally, that was where he'd let the subject go. He'd hope that she wouldn't push it and be done with it. Less awkward, more skipping ahead to the stuff that wasn't so frustrating and difficult. Instead, Sam looked down, sighed, and said, "I guess I...miss it. Talking with her. Which..." He looked up again, frowning. "It's stupid. And I hate that I'm doing it, but at the same time I want to because I need to figure out why in the hell she keeps trying. Why won't she back down?"

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-11-09 12:35 am UTC (link)
Faith's mouth quirked up in a half smile as she told him the punchline. "No one knows, they've never tried." If you listened to the Brits anyway, who were seemingly always beating them or rescuing them or so they claimed. It was a dumb joke, but if it helped keep the tension low, Faith was prepared to go with it.

"Well there's still the Powers," she half shrugged, as lame as that point even was. The Powers weren't even known for being all that great with the getting rid of threats, of watching their backs. They may have been her creators, but sometimes she still wanted to punch them. "I mean if Cas doesn't smite her himself or something."

Complicated. Missing her. Not exactly phrases that filled her with confidence. It was more like they stung like hell if she was honest. She was trying, she really was, to understand, to be professional. But beyond all that, she was still just a girl. "Have you asked her to back down?" Because she knew, she just knew that Ruby was still that devoted to Sam that she would do whatever he asked. And Sam had to know it too.

She reached to take a sip of her drink, but her hand paused before the glass reached her lips. "Is that all you miss?" Her voice cracked slightly and she tried to hide the faint wince behind her drink as she used it as an excuse to not look directly at Sam.

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[info]demonblood
2009-11-09 02:50 am UTC (link)
Ah. Now that was why trying to actually figure out the estimation had been a bad idea. Simple jokes, simple responses. He often forgot that some things in life didn't require extreme amounts of thought. Sam stared at her for a moment, then found a bit of a tiny grin tugging at his mouth. "That's almost mean," he told her, shaking his head, "I'd be offended if I was French. Mocking them and their accents is one thing, but hating on their useless battalion? Come on now."

Yeah, the Powers did exist. They were likely watching over Ruby, but they couldn't see everything, could they? If they were capable of that much, they would have stopped the two of them when they figured out what they had been up to before. "Do you really think that Castiel would smite his girlfriend? Because after trying to end the world, you'd think that would have been exactly what he would have done. He didn't. He's not gonna." Sam was sure about that. Castiel didn't have it in him. He was too in love.

Hands clasping together again, Sam examined his fingers quietly and gave Faith a sort of half shrug. "I told her a few times, yeah. But it...uh, it stopped. After she asked me if I wanted for her to leave me alone for good. I - well, to be quite honest, I couldn't do it." Sam looked up at her question, frowning. He could tell that Faith wasn't so excited about where the topic was now either. They were wading through dark and dangerous waters and they both knew it. Just judging from that look on her face - painful, but slightly masked - Sam knew that it was bad. He didn't want to make it any worse.

"I miss a lot of things," Sam said quietly, "I miss the blood. We know I do. I won't lie. But I'm not getting back into it either, so...that's moot point." Sam leaned forward, forcing himself to look at her straight on. "Before all of this, I considered Ruby a very good friend. I could talk to her, Faith. About near anything and now...I know now. What she is and what she wanted and none of it is good. I keep telling myself that our friendship wasn't real. I keep telling her that, but she says it wasn't and I dunno. I just can't seem to stop talking to her." Sam put a hand up, only to keep Faith from cutting in. "Now, it's not pleasant talk by any means. Most of it has just been me telling her that she's screwed me and everyone else over and that I'm pissed about it. Feels like I'm running in circles, actually."

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-11-09 03:06 am UTC (link)
"Don't think of it as hating on their useless battalions," Faith insisted with a smirk. "Think of it as complimenting their wine, because maybe they're too drunk to defend Paris, that's why they surrender so easily."

Faith didn't really know Castiel. Truth was the angel kind of freaked her out. Sure he seemed like an okay guy, maybe, but Faith had enough issues with the whole Powers or God or whatever thing, without dealing with an angel right there. "Sometimes people can forgive once, but twice is too much." She wasn't sure which one she was talking about, Cas or her. "Maybe he won't take it a second time." She sort of hoped so, needed to know that the supposed guardian angel of the Winchesters would do his job if it came up a second time.

He couldn't do it? A brief flash of anger came into her eyes before she forced it back, knowing that letting it linger would cause some massive fight in the middle of a public restaurant. "That's just..." she started before she made herself stop, made herself breathe. There was no way she could see this conversation ending well.

It seemed bitterly ironic in the worst kind of way that Sam was angsting over whether or not the friendship he had had with her was real, when Faith had come to the realization a long while ago that their relationship, as happy as she had been, hadn't been real for those first couple of months. Not while he had been high and running around with Ruby. Even with Sam looking directly at her, she couldn't look at him, looking anywhere else from the wall behind him, to the people a couple of tables over, to the table surface. "And what about us?" She stared at the cheap picture hanging on the wall just behind his right shoulder. "Is the unpleasant talk worth what it's doing to--" she broke off to swallow back the lump forming in her throat. "It feels just like it did before you know. Except kind of worse this time because I know what could be going on." Hidden messages, shorter temper. How long before the lying and the sneaking around?

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[info]demonblood
2009-11-09 03:33 am UTC (link)
He rolled his eyes yet again. "That would be the cover-up to use while everyone else is busy laughing behind their backs. Don't think those French don't know any better when you're mocking them. They may be French and they may have great wine, but they're not slow." He didn't even know the French. Why was he defending them again?

Sam laughed, almost bitterly. "Or maybe he'll sit around with this thumbs up his ass while Ruby is off doing God knows what all over again." What kind of guardian angel was he, anyway? Total crap. "I hope he figures out what he's doing. That's all I've gotta say about it."

The anger didn't go unnoticed. His defenses flared up in response, but Sam didn't bark out any remarks. He instead clasped his hands together a bit more tightly, teeth gritting together in order to keep him from saying something that might inspire an argument between them. He didn't want to argue. That wasn't what Sam had invited Faith out to dinner for. When Faith didn't say anything beyond those three words, Sam nodded. "I know what it is. It's incredibly stupid. You don't have to tell me."

Sam didn't even realize that the talks were doing anything to Faith. The few that he and Ruby had endured had only been as of late and Sam didn't even know that Faith had been noticing them. He was sort of relieved and upset about it all at once. "I don't intend for it to come off that way, Faith." Sam kept looking at her. Watching her face for little ticks and gestures that would indicate as to where the conversation was headed. He knew that it was already in a very unpleasant place, but would it improve if he handled it the right way or was this something he was going to have to hold off until they were in a more private location? Sam wasn't exactly sure yet. "I promise you there is nothing going on underneath those filters that you don't already know about. Ruby keeps trying to explain. I'm not buying it. That's all it is."

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-11-09 03:45 am UTC (link)
"Have you ever even spoken to a French person before?" She arched her eyebrow slightly with a faint smirk.

Faith sighed faintly, with a shrug. "Have you spoken to him? Like, at all since... you know...." Since the warehouse. With the shouting and the threats and the rest of it. All that kind of badness.

"I was actually going to go for something more like hurtful, but stupid works too," her voice went quiet as the words came out slowly, as though each one was being forced out. She hated, hated admitting that kind of vulnerability, had been trying for a while to force it all back as she tried to forget about it. But that was just failing to work on a massive scale.

She still couldn't meet his eyes, worried that if she did she might cry or yell or some other stupid, emotional thing that made her feel like some dumb girl. "I'm sorry," she murmured. "I'm sorry I can't just--- I mean it just---" She broke off almost with a growl at the frustration of not being able to complete a sentence. "I can tell, when you've been talking to her. You get moody, you vanish off to the gym, you completely shut down. And it feels just like it did before, when I knew, I knew there was something going on with you two, that there was some stuff that I wasn't seeing, and then when I did know it was---" Worse than anything she could have thought of.

She closed her eyes a moment and took a breath, running her fingers through her hair as she tried to focus. "If that's all it is, if you're not buying it, then why can't you just walk away? Why can't you just leave it alone?"

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[info]demonblood
2009-11-09 04:02 am UTC (link)
"No." Sam shook his head. "I haven't. We don't exactly talk. We barely did before all of that mess started and I don't think that we're going to start now either. We don't see eye to eye on certain things and I doubt that'll change if I bring up the fact that I don't like that he's dating Ruby. I'm worried that she's going to land him somewhere that he can't come back from and there's nothing I can do about it."

"At least I'm in good shape?" Sam tried, attempting to lighten up the mood a little. He tapped at the edge of the table and scooted in closer, bracing himself for the immediate cross combination of worry and fear that struck him all at once. She was upset. And it had to do with Ruby. It was never a good sign in his book. Hadn't ever been, he didn't imagine. "I know," Sam responded, "I know how bad it was. And I'm sorry that I put you through that, both then and now. It's not my intention, especially now after all we've been through together. You know that, don't you? I'm not trying to hurt you, Faith."

Their server whisked by, stopping at their table for a moment. After declaring that their pizza was on it's way and offering to refill their glasses, she vanished again. Sam drew in another breath and waited until he felt calm enough to start up on the conversation again. "I don't know, exactly." Sam frowned, giving his head another shake. "I feel like...with her running around, telling everyone that she's out to do better? And then with you working with her and talking to her all the time. It's like there are all these qualities being thrown out there and I'm looking for every last reason to believe that she's not what she claims to be. Even after she went and helped with all the stuff that happened lately, I can't sit back and accept the fact that she's not out to get us in some way. And in order to verify that, I've gotta talk to her. Keep pressing her, never give in to all the crap she's trying to convince me of. I want to figure out if she's lying, Faith. 'Cause if she is, I can rest. I can leave it alone. I'll know that she's bad and that us being friends was a buncha bullshit. But, until I figure that out, I don't know. I don't know what to make of it and I hate seeing all this stuff going on when all I want to do is warn everyone away." Sam grasped onto his glass of soda, dragging it across the table but not quite drinking out of it yet. He just needed something to do with his hands. "Does that make any sense to you at all?"

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-11-09 04:21 am UTC (link)
"Well what's he going to do if you talk to him about your concerns, smite you?" Faith looked mildly incredulous. "I think he'd be too scared of your brother to do anything like that. And I mean unless he's still mad that you---" she paused, glancing at him with a frown. "I mean you have apologized to him for fooling around with his girlfriend, right?" Castiel might have been an angel, but he was still male.

She half laughed, even with the hurt she was feeling, finally looking at him if only for a moment. "You're lucky you're pretty you know." Pretty enough that he just had to look at her with those eyes and she felt weak. "I know," she nodded, a tiny bit. "I know you're not trying to. But really? The fact is, you are anyway." And there it was, out in the open.

The server wandering by was a distraction for a few seconds, a welcome one as Faith needed the glass to toy with as much as Sam did, some distraction away from the conversation happening right in front of them. "I don't know what to make of what she's saying. I know that I can't hold world ending attempts against someone 'cause of that whole time when I, y'know, tried to end the world. I know that I get what it's like to have that level of faith in someone. I know that she's done some stuff that could be helpful. I also really know that she could have been doing it to try to divert suspicion again. That she could be using us exactly like she was before." Pretending to be their friends. Gaining their trust. "You think I don't know about that possibility? I'm not going to trust her, not after the things she did, the things she said and did to me just so she could get you to herself. I mean, I know it wasn't personal. Hell, if it had been that guy you told me about, what was his name, Jake? She would have been all over him just the same, that's what she really cared about."

She wrapped her fingers around her glass, feeling the sharpness of the cold ice helping her to focus. "I can think of all the logic, all the reasons why maybe she's genuine, why maybe we should never trust her. When I can just deal with her as a professional, I can cope but then it comes back to---" She took a sip of her soda trying to find a way to say it. "Then it comes back to the way it was personal and how she was the other woman who screwed my boyfriend. Maybe not literally, but as good as. And I just can't deal with that side of it being in our lives still."

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[info]demonblood
2009-11-09 05:16 am UTC (link)
"I'm not talking to Castiel, Faith," Sam told her, "plain and simple. There's nothing that I could possibly say to him that he shouldn't already know. Ruby tried to end the world. It's his job to protect said world. I don't think he's doing a very good job if he's still hanging around her all the time. It's not my responsibility to keep him from her. It's his. And..." He waved a hand in the air, a quiet indication that he was referring to God as well. "I'm not trying to stir up the pot anymore than I already have."

He was hurting her. Again. Sam sort of wished that he had a buzzer for when that happened. Something to warn him whenever he was doing something that was going to offend his girlfriend so that he'd know when to stop. Sam breathed out slowly and ran his fingers through his hair, not quite sure on how to react to that beyond expressing another apology. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen." She said that she already knew that, but he wanted to make it clear. He didn't to hurt Faith and it bothered him a lot when he did, even if it was unintentional.

"She screwed me over," Sam pointed out, "but Ruby never screwed me." He hoped that Faith believed him on that note. Considering how disgusted he was with the idea of sleeping with a demon at all, Faith should have been able to get that he never would no matter what Ruby said to him. Besides, disgust or not, he was still loyal to Faith. It was one of the reasons why he had been so set on doing all of the demon blood drinking in the first place. He wanted to keep her safe and make her happy. Which turned out real well, Sam thought moodily, poking at the ice in his glass with his straw.

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-11-09 12:21 pm UTC (link)
"Okay, you don't want to talk to him now, but you have apologized to him, right?" Faith repeated the question, her frown deepening. She had her own opinions about Castiel and his relationship with Ruby, but since she didn't exactly have any influence over him, she figured there was no point in bringing it up. But that was her, not Sam, and that was separate from the issue of Sam fooling around with Cas's girlfriend.

Another apology. She pretty much expected it and there wasn't really much she could say to it. Sam was sorry, she knew that. She was also hurt, she knew that too. Odds were she was going to get hurt again over all of this. It seemed to happen a lot. "I know you didn't mean it," she repeated. It didn't make the hurt any less, it couldn't, but she wasn't about to scream at him for being heartless or anything like that.

She half smirked, bitterly, as she shook her head slightly. "She may have never touched your dick, but she still screwed you." Was it possible to be both crude and almost poetic at the same time? Yes, Faith knew Sam and Ruby had never had sex, but there were other ways to screw someone. "What you and her did was as bad as sex, not just in the whole world ending kinda way, that's different. But the personal thing, the you and me thing, or her and Cas. The world ending part is easier to deal with."

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[info]demonblood
2009-11-09 11:13 pm UTC (link)
"Why should I apologize to him when he's still with her?" Sam was being bitter about it. He just couldn't get how someone was able to take everything that they stood for and stomp all over it like that. It was selfish, what Castiel had done. As much as Sam half-wished that he and Ruby were still friends, there was still the logical part of himself that kept him from running off and demanding that they go off and have fries together. He had been betrayed. Castiel had been too. Why was he acting like it wasn't a big deal? Why had he simply looked over the fact that his girlfriend had tried to end the world that he had worked all his life to protect? It didn't make any sense. "I'm not talking to him, Faith. We're done."

"But it's -" He dragged a palm over his face, rubbing at it in irritation. He didn't want to argue. He was not going to argue. "It's not cheating if I did it all for you," he pressed, looking down at his drink in annoyance. That was arguing. Okay, time to move on. "Look, I'm really sorry that me talking to her is bothering you. I want to say that I'm gonna be able to stop, but I can't promise that. I don't know what I'm gonna do. All I know is that I don't want to see her screw anyone else over again and in order to guarantee that it doesn't happen I have to keep an eye on her. Doesn't mean I'm gonna run off and be best buddies with her, doesn't mean that I intend on going down the path I was on again. I just want to make sure that everyone is safe. And that she's not...not the person I always wanted her to be." Which was already proven true, considering, but with her pressing on about their friendship being real Sam couldn't help but feel unsure.

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-11-09 11:49 pm UTC (link)
"Maybe because you were the other guy messing around with his girlfriend?" Faith just looked at Sam, actually in the eyes for more than five seconds for the first time since that conversation had even started. "I don't know why he took her back, and I may think he's stupid for doing it, but he still deserves an apology."

She felt a brief flash of absolute fury, one that she really had to force back down when he said those three words. It's not cheating. Faith just about resisted the urge to pour his drink over his head and storm out, even if it took a few seconds to compose herself. "Right, because the 'I was thinking about you the whole time, baby' excuse has never been used by a cheating man before," her tone was more sad than shouting, just resigned and more than anything tired. "You talking to her is doing more than bothering me, it's saying to me that again you're caring more about whatever twisted obsession you have with her now than about making things better with me. She used you to try to end the world, she tried to destroy your family and she was worshiping Lucifer, what more proof do you need that she's not the person you always wanted her to be. Maybe she's being genuine in wanting to make things right now, but that doesn't change that she was lying about everything then."

She broke off as her voice began to catch in her throat and she closed her eyes in frustration for a moment as she forced her breathing to remain calm. "Sam, you cheated on me with her, for months. And now you're obsessed with catching her out and you think that's just going to bother me? If that's all you think then you really have no idea just how much power over my emotions you have."

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[info]demonblood
2009-11-10 12:19 am UTC (link)
"I'm not apologizing," Sam repeated stubbornly. He would spend the rest of his days saying sorry to his family and friends, but Castiel wasn't getting anything from him. He was grateful that the angel had pulled him back from Ruby before he had gone too far with the demon blood, but he didn't think that he could ever forgive him for taking Ruby back into his life. It was his job to condemn her. Lock her up somewhere, smite her, do something. The Powers might have forbidden certain things, but that didn't mean that they couldn't force some sort of containment upon her for good. Castiel had failed miserably in his eyes and Sam didn't see himself making the effort to talk with him anytime soon. There was no point. He would only say and do things that would cause trouble. "Just let it go."

The amount of strain that was being put on him right then and there was hard to ignore. Eyes flashing downward, focusing on the edge of the table, Sam's shoulders stiffened and he kept his mouth clamped shut. He was not a cheater. He was a moron, yes. A terrible boyfriend, a terrible son, a terrible brother. All of those things and more. But Sam didn't know how to deal with the concept of him being thrown into a corner, tucked away with all of those other men who had purposefully gone off and had affairs; knowing that it would hurt the people that they loved, knowing that it would ruin everything. Sam had not thought that what he was doing was going to land them here. He had only wanted to see good things happen. Not this. "I'm not putting her before you, Faith," Sam said, voice not quite calm, but certainly not to the point where he needed to be jumping up and throwing his arms around in that intimidating manner he was so used to performing in whenever he got really pissed off. "I have been nothing but loyal to you. I've barely talked to her! Me looking into something that I'm curious about should have no hold over what's going on between us. You keep saying that you're supporting me, that you believe I'm getting better and doing all that I can, but I can't have a conversation with Ruby without you getting -"

Sam leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes and taking a moment to breathe in and out slowly. He needed to handle this differently. "I've explained why I've been talking to her. You understand that at least, don't you?"

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-11-10 12:49 am UTC (link)
There was a part of Faith wanting to defend Castiel, even though she thought he was some place beyond stupid for taking Ruby back. It was a large part, admittedly, but she forced it back. However she felt about their relationship it wasn't worth arguing with Sam about. Or adding to the argument it seemed. So she just shrugged, dismissing that point and conceding that she was indeed letting it go.

But the rest of it was another matter. "Without me getting what?" She arched her eyebrow, looking directly at him. She wasn't shouting, or gesturing, but nor was she backing down. "Without me getting hurt? Without me feeling betrayed all over again? You broke my heart. You were having an affair for months and because of that, I'm never getting back the---" She paused, breaking the eye contact for a moment before she looking back, her gaze scrutinizing.

"When do you think we got together? When do you really feel our relationship started? In April, the first time you kissed me, when you first said you loved me? You want to know when I feel our relationship really started? July. When I was crying and you could barely stand up. Those first couple of months may have been the happiest I have ever been in my life, but they were so filled with lies and betrayals, with you sneaking off to be with her, that I can't believe that any of it was real. July, when I was feeling like my heart was ripped out of my chest, that was when it became real." She hated admitting that. She hated that the first time they kissed, the first time they slept together, the vacation they took, all of it was irreparably tainted by the affair.

"I didn't doubt you for a second when we found you after Eve took you. I have defended you to everyone who questioned you, even Angel. I have done everything I could to make things better for you with your family. I have talked every time you wanted to talk and I have stayed quiet whenever you asked so don't you dare imply that I haven't been supporting you or that I don't have faith in you overcoming the addiction. And I am sorry that even though, yeah, I do understand why you've been talking to her, I really do, I just can't keep going with the never ending support. This is where I draw the line and I stop being super Slayer and I'm just a dumb girl who can't face the idea of getting her heart broken like that again. I'm just not strong enough to do that." She finally looked down at the table, unable to keep looking at him any more. "I know there are secret messages going on. And I know all you're thinking about is her and it feels just like it did before."

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[info]demonblood
2009-11-10 01:21 am UTC (link)
"It wasn't an affair!" The words came out so fast that Sam didn't even have the time to consider keeping them to himself. He hated it. Affair. He didn't cheat on Faith. It wasn't even Ruby that he had been addicted to at the time, it was her blood. He had been on drugs, not in a relationship with another woman. Sure, he trusted Ruby. He relied on her when he needed the blood, he confided in her when he was sure that no one else would understand why he was doing what he did, but it wasn't like he had been in love with her. He didn't love Ruby. In fact, a very large part of him hated her. Why was it so difficult for Faith to see that? Growling in frustration, Sam lifted his head in time to see a few of the other customers staring at their table. Great. He needed to get it together.

"I was in love with you the entire time," Sam said, voice coming out much more quietly than that rough bark from before. "I know you'll never get it. But that's the truth. The only thing I wanted to do was protect you, Faith. If I knew that it was gonna turn out this way, I'd have never done it in the first place. You can get angry all you want, you can call me a monster and a freak and a moron - maybe all of those things are true. But I did not cheat on you. I didn't."

Sam knew she was being supportive. He was grateful for it, too, because while he had planned on tackling this recovery thing alone and to the best of his ability, it was still nice to have someone at his side while he was doing it. "I'm grateful for it," Sam said, deciding to express his thoughts rather than keeping them bottled up, "I am. You know I am. You don't have to defend me all the time, you don't have to do any of it. Hell, I'm happy with you just being with me, Faith. But if you plan on being supportive, you need to learn to trust me eventually. I know it's been hard. I know you haven't been able to for a long time. But I've been working my ass off at trying to make you and everyone else understand that I'm not going back to where I was before and I just...I wish you'd try to be a little more understanding here." He paused, rubbed at the back of his neck, and tried again. "Don't even say anything. I know that's stupid. After what I put you through with her, it's beyond a crazy request. I guess I was hoping..."

Hoping for too much.

"I want you to know that she's not the only thing I'm thinking about," Sam said, looking over at her with a heavy frown. "I won't lie. Of course I think about her. She's where I got the blood from in the first place. That doesn't mean that she's all that I think about. Don't think for a second that you know what's in my head; not if you're reaching those kind of conclusions. Or has all the time I've spent with you lately meant nothing to you?"

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-11-10 02:02 am UTC (link)
"Yes, it was," Faith stated in return, a fraction more calmly than he had managed to speak. "You cheated. I'm sorry if that's hard for you to hear, or deal with or whatever, but it was an affair. The single, only difference if you'd actually fucked her would have been that I would have dragged your ass down to the nearest STD clinic before I let you touch me again. Every other element, it was there. And that's why I just can't believe that those first few months were real."

She could sense the looks from the other people over them both, her Slayer senses crawling under the scrutiny of the people, all trying to pretend they weren't looking at the strange couple arguing. It was hard to keep her voice down, to not scream and shout and maybe even cry, but she made herself do it anyway. "You're not a monster. And you're not a freak, not to me. But you were sneaking around, going off for days with a woman who openly despised me, lying to me about where you were, what you were doing. Your mouth was on her body and you were falling asleep in her arms. You were confiding in her in ways that you weren't talking to me, which wasn't hard because by the end you weren't talking to me much at all. Everything you were doing was calculated to keep me in the dark and you were yelling at me if I tried to get too close. So you tell me, aside from the fact you didn't stick your dick in her, how was that not the classic definition of an emotional affair?" Would that be enough? Would that make him see what he had really done? Faith wasn't even sure so she tried another approach.

"Okay, think of this for a moment. This city has no Champion any more. We're weaker, more vulnerable and we've got more dangers coming all the time. What if I found out that feeding the blood of a Slayer to one of the vampires with a soul was a way to make them strong enough to save all of us? To make Angel the Champion again, or give Spike what he needs to take that role. What if I decided to let Spike feed from me? If I started sneaking around with him, letting him get his fangs into my neck once a day? Aside from the fact that it's pretty dumb to let a vampire feed, are you honestly telling me that you wouldn't consider it a betrayal? That the idea of me being that intimate with another man wouldn't drive you crazy?" She wondered if the image she had tried to paint was vivid enough, the idea of being in the arms of the blond vampire as he bit into her. "And for the record if we did ever find out that the blood of a Slayer for a souled vamp would save the world, I would use a needle and draw it out that way, let him store the packets in his fridge next to the pigs blood with a twist of otter and weetabix stirred in for texture. I would never let him bite me, only you get to do that." She offered a faint smirk. It was frankly pathetic, but she was trying anyway.

"I do have to defend you," she corrected him. "That's part of the deal of standing by you, that I stand all the way, even through my own doubts, and I am trying to be more understanding. I've kept quiet even when you've been in some foul moods and I've known it's because you've been talking to her, but I guess I've reached my limit. As a Slayer I may be super whatever, but as a human I'm still just a girl, I'm still jealous and petty and whatever else human girls get like. And I want to be the only one you think about. I want to be the one you're obsessed with. I want to be able to trust that you're not hiding anything else from me because I just can't right now. It's starting with hiding messages, but where is it going to end? You blowing off meeting with me because you have to start stalking her to see what she's doing all the time? Or even further, will the secret messages turn into secret meetings, again?"

She bit the side of her lower lip, her body language tight as she shrugged slightly. "I wanna be the one in your head all the time, and I don't like having to share again."

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[info]demonblood
2009-11-10 04:03 am UTC (link)
"My first conclusion wouldn't be based on you cheating," Sam pointed out, "it'd be more along the lines of why in the Hell would you agree to let someone drink off you in the first place? Allies or not, that's just..." He found it to be different. Ruby wasn't human. Faith was. Muttering something incoherent under his breath, Sam flopped back in his seat and looked up at the ceiling. He was trying to figure out how to react to all of this as positively as he could. He understood what she was saying, he did. But, deep down, Sam didn't feel that he had cheated on her. His motivations were pure, his heart was in the right place. How could someone have an affair when all they were doing was trying to make things right for the people they loved? He knew that it looked bad. Well, okay, it was bad, but it wasn't what it seemed. "The whole process of me biting her on the arm was...I'll admit that it wasn't thought out. Though to be fair, toward the end we did start pouring it into a flask that I carried around?" He winced a little. No, that wouldn't help. "Me drinking off of Ruby wasn't sexual, Faith. It certainly didn't get me off and I know that Ruby - I'm pretty sure that..." He frowned. That didn't turn her on, did it? Him on her arm like that? Sam immediately cringed at the thought. "I'm not into her! It doesn't matter what Ruby got out of it, it wasn't an affair, Faith. It can't be."

Sam was purposefully ignoring the fact that his argument wasn't looking terribly solid. Nor was the massive feeling of guilt that he had weighing on his shoulders. One more thing to add to the constantly growing pile. It almost seemed visible, how his shoulders began to droop. Was it an affair? Was it more than him just lying and doing something awful and inhumane?

"No," Sam said strongly, expression going from that momentary phase of uncertainty to something stronger and firmer. "Absolutely not. I'm not ever going to see her in person. What would I meet her for? The second I see her, all I'm gonna want to do is slice her arm open. There's now way I'm going anywhere near her and you know it. You know it." After all he had gone through with Eve and Wolfram & Hart, what made Faith think that he was going to sneak off and try all of that crap again? Wasn't his resistance enough of a sign that he was trying to fight the blood as best as he could?

Sam stared at Faith for a long moment, dozens of emotions pounding through him all the while. Anger, guilt, concern. He didn't know which one to focus on, they were all hitting him so fast and hard he could barely begin to process them as it were. Elbows resting along the edges of the table, Sam covered his face in his hands as he tried to get a grip on himself. He wasn't a cheater. Not like those guys, sneaking around and making fun of the women that they loved because they had no idea what was really going on. Cocky and confident. Disgusting. He didn't move until he was able to get a grip. Fingers smoothing through his hair, Sam pushed his seat back and dragged it over to Faith's side of the table so that he was able to sit next to her. He knew she was feeling just as - if not more - conflicted than he was right now, but Sam didn't want to walk out of here angry. They had to reach some sort of resolution.

Cautiously, he reached for her hand. "You don't think you're the one I'm always thinking about? I want you to look at me. Right now. Ruby may have the advantage over me with that blood, but she doesn't have my heart. You know that, don't you?"

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-11-10 12:00 pm UTC (link)
"Okay, past the first conclusion that it would be really dumb to let a vampire near my throat, even one I trust, moving on from that point, how would you feel? If I was sneaking around and doing that. You can't seriously expect me to believe that you wouldn't find that kind of intimacy with someone else to be unfaithful. Even if I was just wanting to save the world, to let someone else be that close to me would be cheating." And really she did find the idea of the flask to carry around repulsive, but still she had to wonder why they hadn't gone for that in the first place. She really did suspect that Ruby had gotten off on the power of having Sam's body so close to hers. "Also, blood is sexual. I've been around vampires long enough to know that, hell that was half of the deal with the Orpheus. It's life and death and sex and power, all of it. You may not have thought of it that way, but I bet she did. Part of her was inside you, how can that not be way too intimate?"

She almost felt bad for the way she was making him feel, even through the fresh anger and betrayal she was feeling herself. Still, she needed him to understand, to truly understand how she felt, that it had been him being unfaithful. "And besides, by the end when she was being openly a bitch to me and all you could do was defend her and make excuses for her and you stopped even sneaking off, you just were with her all the time, for nine days straight at one point, no matter what she said to or about me. I bet she loved it, me being the clueless girlfriend left alone while she got to do whatever she wanted with you." Take out the demon element of it and it was almost a classic cliche.

Faith stared at her drink, watched the bubbles of her soda pop on the surface for a moment. "I know you were strong enough to resist what Eve did. I know eventually you'll realize that you're stronger than you thought and you'll figure you'll be able to see her again without wanting to drain her dry. And this obsession you have that she's doing something will consume you completely because you'll have nothing to hold you back and I'm gonna end up losing you. That's what I know Sam."

She didn't resist when he took her hand, her gaze dragging to where his fingers were laced in hers. The people in the restaurant were even more openly curious now that Sam had moved his chair, but Faith couldn't bring herself to care. "But the real question is who has your soul?" Her voice was barely audible as she made herself look up at him, her fear clear in her eyes. "What's more important to you, figuring her out or making us work?" She wasn't sure that she was the one he was thinking about, she couldn't be sure. How had he been thinking about her when he started sending hidden messages to Ruby?

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[info]demonblood
2009-11-17 07:47 am UTC (link)
"You're not gonna lose me." Not if she didn't want to. It all came down to Faith. Sam knew that he wasn't going to end up chasing after Ruby again for blood. Those days were over and done with. As much as he wanted it, he knew better than he ever did before about how wrong and messed up it all was. Though, as he considered it, Sam knew that Faith meant that it was more than about the blood in itself. She was worried that he'd do something stupid, maybe. Or that he already was doing something stupid. Again. "I swear, you're not. I'm...okay, I'll admit that I'm a little more into keeping an eye on her than I should be. I am. Okay? But she betrayed me, Faith. I called her a friend and she stabbed me in the back a hundred times over. What do you expect me to do? Pretend that she doesn't exist anymore when I see her on the boards talking to you and Ben and everyone else like it's normal or something? Come on." She had to understand. It was like being in the constant presence of someone evil who was capable of deceiving next to damn near anyone. Knowing that the person was evil while everyone else was being fooled...he couldn't just stand by and ignore it all, could he? Ruby was evil. She had to be evil.

"I love you. You know that I do." Sam squeezed her hand a bit more tightly. He didn't quite release his hold, but it loosened a little as he looked down and bit onto his lip. "I want to make this work. You have no idea." He lifted his gaze once more, eyes seeking out her own in hopes of being able to find some indication that she was actually understanding what he was saying. "But I don't know if I can do that if I'm paranoid about her all the time. I don't know if I can fix anything with her out there like this. It's not about choosing which is more important - it's about making sure that everyone is actually safe. Is she going to try and kill us all for ruining her plans? Is she going to try and raise Lucifer in some other way? You can't ask me to not want to figure out what she's up to. After everything that she did to me, how could you even begin to think that I won't be worried?"

He didn't know who had his soul. Sam liked to think that Faith did. After all, she was the one he had gone back to. She was one of the reasons he hadn't decided to run off to Wolfram & Hart for the permanent fixes that they could provide him. Ruby, on the other hand, was this big, frustrating, question mark suspended above his head. He didn't know what to do with her. But she did have a strong hold on him. She had to have, otherwise he wouldn't be as messed up as he was.

"Look, maybe..." He slid his fingers from her own, both hands rising to push through his hair in frustration. "What I did with her...like that...it wasn't..." He shook his head and looked down again. "During the end of it, I didn't know what I was doing. I don't even remember much. Just...desperation. And hunger. She could have told me to walk off the end of a bridge and I would have." Sam hated that too. He had that knowledge and he was terrified of it. Faith believed that blood was sexual, fine. Yet he, on the other hand, saw it as power. Control. Those were the things that he had learned when he was drinking it. It gave him strength, but it weakened his mind. "My point is that if I had been in my right mind, Ruby wouldn't have been able to say those things to you. I would have told her to shut up."

Not that it mattered. What was done was done.

And Sam was beginning to understand just as to how much damage he had really delivered. More than he had thought. He was a big man, naturally. But in that moment, he was starting to feel sort of small and worthless. Cheater. Sam stared down at his glass quietly, looking as though he wanted to do nothing more than sink under the table and vanish forever. He didn't even notice as their server returned, dropping two plates and a platter of pizza before them.

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-11-17 06:45 pm UTC (link)
It was frustrating on so many levels, hurtful on others and again Faith wished there was some kind of guide book that could tell her what the right thing to say would be here. She wasn't good at this, the whole emotional connection thing. Less than 18 months ago, before she had arrived in the city, she didn't even really have anyone close enough that she could feel able to confide in. It had been the city, it had been friends like TK not letting her push them away that had allowed her to be emotional and let people in. And she was still learning how to do it.

As it was she hesitated before replying, her hand feeling strangely cold without Sam's, as the server delivered the pizza before hurrying away, clearly uncomfortable being around a couple having such an obviously intense conversation. The smell of the pizza was tempting, even if Faith found she didn't have much appetite.

"More than anything, I want to make us work," she began slowly, almost hesitantly as she tried to find to find the right words. "You and me, what we have, it's worth fighting for. Even with everything that's happened. But if we are gonna work, then I think you need to trust us a bit more," she looked up at him with a faint frown. "This idea, that you need to protect us all, that you have to be the one to save us, isn't that what caused most of this in the first place? It's not down to you alone to keep everyone safe, Sam. We need to work together, you need to trust in the rest of us to keep each other safe too. Maybe Ruby is out to get us, maybe she will take revenge. We're all very aware of that chance, it doesn't fall to you to take it all."

Faith shifted awkwardly, her fingers twisting around the paper napkin on the table. It did sting, to know that Ruby had had that much power over Sam and she just wasn't sure what to make of the admission that if Sam had been in his right mind he wouldn't have allowed her to get away with everything she did. Was that progress? Or an excuse? Or somehow, both? It was so hard to tell sometimes, things could start out as one but become the other.

"It scares me, you know? How much I lost you to her before. Yeah, she could have told you to do a lot and you probably would have to get more blood. You'd have probably screwed her if she'd told you to. I know that, I know that by the end I was barely in your head as it was. And I don't wanna lose you to an obsession with her again. Even if it's a different type of obsession. Being obsessed with figuring her out. It's just as dangerous and just as likely to end with you pushing the rest of us away, with pushing me away."

She took in a deep breath, trying to look and sound more confident than she was, even if she did feel torn up inside. "Honestly, I do wish you could just walk away and pretend she doesn't exist so we really can put the affair behind us. Even with you being that messed up, and not knowing what you were doing, being that intimate with her behind my back was an affair, and it really did hurt, more than just about anything. But I do get why you can't, I do. So I guess this is an intervention. Because I won't lose you to an obsession with her, not again. If you want to figure her out or whatever, I'm not gonna let you do it on your own. Doing that is just gonna drive us both crazy."

Not that she was entirely sure how that would work, in the real world. She wasn't sure how much she would even be able to handle. Her emotions, her heart didn't come with extra Slayer strength. She did come with a stubborn bloody mindedness, that was really probably more Irish than Slayer, that refused to give up without a fight.

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[info]demonblood
2009-11-19 08:04 am UTC (link)
Faith was telling him what he had been told a hundred times over. Work together. Be a team. Go at it the old fashioned way, just like Dad had taught them. Every time someone said that to him, Sam couldn't help but feel bitter and rebellious. Seeing his brother get ripped apart as a result of going at it the old fashioned way sort of made it hard for him to see reason when people told him that it was the right thing to do. Then again, trying to save the world by drinking demon blood and killing someone who actually turned out to be the final barrier between Lucifer and Hell also wasn't all that great. So where was the middle ground, exactly? Standing around and doing nothing? Hoping for the best? He already did plenty of that.

All of that was a frustrating flurry of confusion. Sam didn't know how to respond to it, so he chose to look down and awkwardly shrug. The scent of the pizza was tempting him, but he couldn't bother with it until he settled things with Faith. It needed to be talked out. They needed this conversation. Even if it was painful to endure.

They could agree on one thing, however: it wasn't smart for him to chase after Ruby on his own. Bad things would likely come out of it as a result. Nodding, Sam leaned forward and placed both his elbows along the edge of the table. He didn't say anything for a good moment. He needed to think. Figure out a way to do all of this without it going badly. When he seemed to reach an ultimate decision, Sam turned to face her as much as he could, hand moving to grip at her own again. Ignoring all of the protests that he had learned to automatically build in his head over the past few months - both he and Ruby had created them, in fact - Sam nodded again and said, "Then help me. Make sure I don't go off the deep end again. We can do it all different this time, Faith. There doesn't have to be anymore secrets. Not anymore." As hard as it would be to have Faith in the know, it was for the best. He didn't like the fact that he was going to let her in so deep with what he was used to hiding from the world, but she deserved it all after everything he had done. "I don't want to push you away. And I don't want to lie. So if you help me, you're in. All the way. I won't keep anything from you, Faith, I swear."

It was reliving to find that Faith understood. Maybe not entirely, but she was willing to take this on with him and that was more than he could ever ask for. He had feared that she would have banned him from talking to Ruby entirely. Then what would he have done? Stewed in his own thoughts and fears until he became an overly paranoid wreck? No. This was the best way to approach it.

He squeezed Faith's hand a bit more, looking up at her with honest eyes. "You can read our conversations. I could alter the filtering program on your computer so that you can access anything between myself and her. If this makes you feel more comfortable about what's going on, I'll do it. And..." He looked down at their fingers, shrugging again. "Maybe an outsiders perspective won't be so bad."

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-11-19 03:29 pm UTC (link)
Openness and honesty. It was what she'd wanted wasn't it? What their relationship needed. But still, Faith couldn't help but wonder what she had let herself in for. How much she would be able to take. Knowing they still talked did really feel like a knife through her heart, every time. But she was still a Slayer, wasn't she? And she had taken the knife in the gut, literally, surely she would be able to take this.

God, she hoped so. Hoped she would be able to deal with it and not collapse under the strain of it all.

Her gaze remained locked on their hands, Sam holding hers again. She didn't want him to let go, possibly not ever. She was almost afraid if he did, she'd never find him again.

"No more secrets," she hoped her voice didn't betray the doubts she felt, the deep bone-crushing fear she still had. Seeing it all, in all its brutal, technicolor glory. It was both a blessing and the worst kind of curse. She chewed on the corner of her lower lip, trying to make herself focus. He was still talking to Ruby and that hurt. He seemed unable to admit that it had been an affair and that, weirdly, really hurt. And now he wanted her help in understanding the demon he'd been cheating on her with. It stung, more than a little. But he'd asked her for the help and Faith knew there was no way she could turn him away. It was just too impossible. Even if she had to force her own pain down, adding it to the mental list of 'deal with later'. Much later.

She could almost see her therapist rolling her eyes before she deliberately stopped thinking about her.

"I'll help you," her throat felt tight and dry and she distracted herself a moment with drinking some soda, while wishing it had some vodka or something in there to help her cope, still holding Sam's hand even if she couldn't quite look at him, not yet. "Whatever you need, I'll help." Because she loved him. In that crazy, all-consuming kinda way.

She just prayed, to a God she had no faith in, to the Powers that had never done anything for her before, to anyone who might be listening in to the pain of a scared girl, that this was the right thing to do. That she would be strong enough to deal. And that maybe, just maybe, the Senior Partners and Twilight and whoever else would just back the hell off and give her a break before she crumbled under the pressure.

Tearing her gaze from her glass and finally looking at Sam, she tried to push the negative emotions deep enough down that she could fake a smile. "I love you, Sam. You know that, right? I'll do anything, whatever it takes to make things better for you. I promise."

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[info]demonblood
2009-11-26 11:15 am UTC (link)
He really wasn't buying the tough front that Faith was putting on. Obviously, this wasn't going to be easy. If Sam wanted easy, he wouldn't have agreed to let Faith invade his privacy in the first place. He knew how complicated it all was. It was part of why he didn't bring up the Ruby situation most times; not only did it hurt him, but it hurt the people around him as well. What he had hoped to accomplish by letting Faith in was reassuring her in some way. Wasn't that what she wanted? To see what they were talking about? To know that they were not going back to where they were before or even anywhere that was potentially worse than that? He could see the shielded hurt in her eyes, the one thing that Sam had been hoping to ease by guaranteeing her a place in all of this. Faith was no longer being stuck on the outside. Wasn't that what she had wanted?

Expressing his thoughts on how good of an idea it was for the sake of keeping him in line was only a cover. The intent behind his decision wasn't based on Faith being useful. If they played it the right way, there was a chance that she might have been, actually. It would be useful, maybe, but the reasoning behind his choice of action was far more focused on the idea of making sure that Faith felt safe. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. He had thought that this was a good plan. That she would be glad that he was making this less of a secret than it had been the last time around. Things were different now. Had she forgotten already?

"You know I'm letting you in 'cause I care, don't you?" He looked over at her cautiously. He knew something was wrong. Sam only hoped that he was getting it right here. Most days he felt like everything he did was the wrong thing. No matter what it was, they were caught up in a bad place and there were just some things that wouldn't change that. God, he hoped this wasn't one of those situations. He was doing his best here, he really was. "If you don't agree with it or if it gets too hard, you can tell me. I'll ease up. I'll back down. I'm letting you become a part of this because I want you to be, Faith. It's different now. We're a couple. We're a team. Remember?"

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-11-26 12:40 pm UTC (link)
When Sam started talking, Faith immediately wanted to kick herself for not being convincing enough. She was meant to be helping him, not dragging him down with her issues. But then she actually realized what Sam had said and she looked up at him with a flare of genuine hope in her eyes. "I can? Ask that I mean?" She swallowed hard and kept looking at him. "I'm trying here, I swear, it's just.... it's her. And I want to help, I do and I understand it, mostly, but sometimes it's too much."

Because it was her, and it was the reminders that the affair had happened. Faith could guess the kinds of things that Ruby was saying, and she had seen for herself how much of a mess it made Sam whenever it was happening. It was easier for her to forgive the world ending attempts than the personal side of it all, and she knew that watching Ruby's attempts at that were going to sting like a bitch.

"I know it's different now, and I'm glad for that, really," and she was. Even with the hard side, she was glad for it. "No more hiding and secrets, it's good. It's just the other side too. How much she messed with everything. I don't know what she's saying, but I can guess. Maybe she's lying, I don't know. I just know how much she's tainted. I mean you've been my best friend since before she was even in the city and sometimes it feels like she tainted all that too. And that's hard to deal with sometimes."

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[info]demonblood
2009-11-27 06:40 am UTC (link)
Sam nodded, finally reaching over to scoop up a slice of pizza. He didn't want it to get cold before he got to eat. "As long as it doesn't happen every single time I try and talk to her, I don't mind. I might get frustrated, but if you really are having a hard time with it I'll let the conversation drop until the next time." Sam didn't like being monitored, nor did he feel too pleased about Faith being given the permission to cancel out their conversations if it got too hard. Yet it was truly in her best interest and if Faith could give enough for him to actually have conversations with Ruby without her exploding in his face about it every time it happened, then he'd be able to let some things go for her sake.

Besides, she was admitting that she understood his perspective. And that meant a lot.

Bending the slice in half so that it was centered more easily for him to eat, Sam took a bite from his pizza and chewed quietly. After swallowing, he frowned and looked over at Faith at her talk of their tainted friendship. Their relationship definitely had some serious issues that needed to be worked on, but their place as friends? No, Sam had enjoyed that quite a bit. "Ruby was in my life before I ever met you." Sam set the slice down, wiping his hands on a nearby napkin. "I feel like she probably had me tainted before I even got to this city, Faith. All the stuff she used to say to me..." Sam didn't want to talk about it. But that was the issue in the first place, wasn't it? "She had a lot of influence on me before Dean died. Knew how to push me in all the right ways. Even so, that doesn't change how I felt about you when I first got here. I mean, I tried to sell my soul for you. Literally. A guy like me, seeing part of what the consequences of that are, wouldn't just do that for anyone. But I did for you. No matter what Ruby did to me, she had no hold over how much I care about you. How much I've always cared. Our friendship was real. When I needed someone to be real, you were. Don't let what Ruby did change what happened in the past, Faith. Not to what we used to be. That's where our story began and she had no control over how it was written."

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-11-27 02:23 pm UTC (link)
Faith nodded slightly, taking a slice of pizza herself. Rather than eating it properly the way Sam was, she started picking at it, pulling off the slices of pepperoni and chewing on them for a moment. Truthfully, she didn't know how often she would be able to handle the conversations with Ruby. They all stung, but she would try to deal, for Sam's sake. She wanted to be as supportive as she could, though she couldn't deny the relief at the idea that sometimes it would be okay if she couldn't take it. "Thanks," she murmured quietly. "It's probably weird, but the world ending stuff, that I can handle, easy. That's another day in the life of this job, but the personal stuff? That's harder. Way harder. And sometimes I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal all the time."

And fuck, how she hated ever admitting she might not be strong enough for anything, even to Sam.

She took some time to think over it all as she distracted herself with taking a proper bite from the pizza, chewing it slowly before she could speak again. "I remember you hated her when she first turned up in the city. And then again after Lilith. And then again after the Pits. Needed a diagram to keep up with all the times you were yelling at us to never speak to her again and then yelling at us because we didn't understand her." She paused in the serious thoughts before she glanced at him, a hint of humor in her eyes. "So for the record, you are so never allowed to judge me for any mood swings." She shook her head for a moment before she kept on. "Anyway, it's confusing. A lot of stuff has made me question things I never wanted to question. You were...." she trailed off before she put the remains of the pizza slice down and turned to look at him. "After Angel died. After I quit Orpheus. After I split with Kyle. After Toru took my powers away. You were there. And that's all before we got together. But then it all gets confusing, the times she was there, the influence she had. I mean, I remember when we all figured you were sleeping with her for a while. And the time when she was our friend too and she was lying to the rest of us. Hell, I remember when I was defending her to you and you wanted nothing to do with it. This last year, it's been hard to keep up, and trying to separate the truth from the lies is so damn hard and then I end up thinking about it too much and then my head just hurts from it all." She frowned faintly, picking up the pizza again. "Seriously, confusing."

She almost took another bite from the pizza before she looked back to Sam with a deeper frown. "Wait, what do you mean you tried to sell your soul? When did that happen?"

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