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faithinthedark ([info]faithinthedark) wrote in [info]parabolical,
@ 2009-07-25 14:49:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:castiel, faith lehane, ruby

WHO: Faith Lehane, Ruby and featuring Castiel
WHAT: Faith needs to clean up Sam's mess and needs more answers. So she's going to Ruby. Oh this is not going to go well!
WHEN: Afternoon of 25th July
WHERE: Ruby's apartment
RATING: TBD, but it's Faith meeting Ruby for the first time since the blood reveal. Violence is more than possible!
STATUS: In progress


She knew what she had to do. Didn't mean she had to like it. Faith was having to clean up Sam's mess, make sure that it was known by everyone that AI hadn't had anything to do with what he'd done and ensuring that Sam wouldn't have to live looking over his shoulder waiting for the demons to take revenge.

She'd asked Sam for the details, and hearing them from him had made her feel faintly sick. But there was more, she knew there had to be more. And she knew the families and friends of the victims wouldn't hold back in telling her every gory detail. And going in unprepared would rattle her, in front of potential bad guys.

So she had to go to her other source for information. As much as she hated the idea.

Ruby.

God, she hated the smug demon bitch with every fiber of her being. But right now she needed what she knew.

She didn't tell anyone she was going, for fear they would try to talk her out of it. Her teeth gritted, she inhaled sharply as she rapped on the door of the apartment, to be let in by Castiel. The angel looked stunned to see her for a moment before he stepped back, warily letting her in.

"Ruby," she called out, her voice firm. "We need to talk."

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[info]dontcallmebitch
2009-07-25 02:06 pm UTC (link)
Great. Castiel seemed to think this was a good thing, letting people who very obviously hated her into her home. Faith wouldn't kill her, she couldn't, anything beyond that though? Well that she wasn't so sure of, and Ruby knew just how much there was beyond the kill, had relished in it for centuries.

She stood at the sound of her name looking over in confusion at Castiel for letting her past so easily. But she was here now and Ruby would just have to deal with that much as she really didn't want to.

"Then talk" she told the Slayer, she might have been sorry for what she'd done to Sam but she wasn't about to act all pentient around all of them for the rest of their lives. She'd said sorry. This she supposed was information gathering, so Ruby would give it, she wouldn't be rude. She would just say what she needed to.

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-07-25 02:16 pm UTC (link)
Hate wasn't a strong enough word. She needed something stronger to describe how Ruby made her feel. Something more than hatred, more than loathing. Incandescent. That was a good word.

As it was she just folded her arms and glared at the bitch.

"Looks like I'm the one who's going to have to clean up the mess you've left," her lip curled with disgust. "Those demons you oh so casually tortured. I now need to go and do damage control. Which means I need to know just how much shit I've got to clean up."

In her mind she blamed Ruby for it a hundred times more than she blamed Sam.

"So details. Give them to me. Now."

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[info]dontcallmebitch
2009-07-25 03:00 pm UTC (link)
Great. Details. Just what she wanted to discuss in front of Castiel. Maybe he already knew, she was never sure with Angels. Without the hex bags just how exposed was she. Did he already know everything she'd done. Everything she'd had Sam do.

"A lot of mess. A whole heap of it. There's the bar, took our time with that making sure no one got out, but some of your demons here are psychic and stuff right? No I haven't been researching but I hear things. So its possible they have friends that sensed it, felt it maybe. That was when he was getting good with the torture, learning how to take his time, go for the hurt. Then there were the ones we targetted specifically, Vampires, demons. We'd follow them home and spend hours on one target. One time even saved a baby in the process. So it wasn't all bad"

She was pacing again, caged in a trap it was all she seemed to do when she was asked about the things she and Sam had done.

"How do you intend on cleaning it up?. I didn't see any sense in us being subtle."

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-07-25 03:42 pm UTC (link)
Faith's jaw clenched a moment as she forced herself to keep breathing calmly.

"Sam said you tracked demons to their homes," she managed to keep her voice calm. "Did you kill children too? Whole families? I don't suppose you bothered to check if they were hostile or not, you just killed them didn't you," her tone was starting to get snappy, starting to rise slightly before she forced it back down. Yeah, she was incandescent. She was incan-fucking-descent.

"I need to find out just how pissed off the demon community is now. How many of them think that me and mine were part of your rampage. And if Sam's going to have to look out for them coming after him in revenge. So, I don't have any fucking idea how to clean up your stinking mess, but looks like I'm going to have to," she sneered, just so angry.

"Dare I even ask why you even thought this was a good idea?"

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[info]dontcallmebitch
2009-07-25 03:51 pm UTC (link)
"We did" Well there was no sense hiding it now, it was over, it was done, and while she was sorry for what she made Sam do it was more than a little commonplace to her, the cruelty and the torture. It was the life she'd lived.

"Didn't ever check, no. They weren't human so it was enough for him, just...breeds, like animals. It didn't matter. I didn't let it matter. I'll admit by then he would have done most anything I suggested."

She hadn't thought about the 'demon community'. The thought of it always made her look down her nose at them. Breeds. Disgusting, breeds. It was so much less than what demons were, Or maybe that was wrong. Maybe they were all disgusting. Maybe thats what the real truth was.

"Didn't think he'd be here to deal with the fallout. But it was never about AI. It was Sam. It was getting him ready. Teaching him what he'd need to know for the wider war. Teaching him how to be a leader. How to be cold, cruel, sadistic even. And he took to it easier than I could have imagined"

She wasn't proud of it anymore, but it was still true. All of it, still true.

"Tell them it was me behind it, that I was using Sam. Tell them the whole story. I had him so dosed up on my blood he didn't care about anything else. I'll deal with the fallout and Sam will be another victim. He shouldn't have to make up for it"

She believed that too, If she had done this to Sam, made him like her, something she'd never wanted for him beyond it protecting him when the time came, then why should he be the one to make amends. It should be her.

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-07-25 04:07 pm UTC (link)
"Animals," Faith echoed, a dark look in her eyes. "They're sentient beings. Some are evil, sure, but others are just like people. Way I see it, you're the real animal."

It was disgusting, and twisted and Faith felt sick hearing about it. This wasn't the Sam she loved, this was a twisted and broken version and right in front of her was the reason for it all.

"May not have been about AI," she retorted. "Hell I suspect I and my team never entered your head. But you can sure as hell bet that it crossed theirs. He's a known associate of mine and for all I know, they all think I sanctioned him doing all of it. For all I know they're going to take their revenge out on my people." She shook her head with fury. "This is what being a leader means. It means thinking of someone other than yourself, it means protecting your people. What you tried to do was a perversion."

And it wasn't what Sam wanted to be. She had to cling onto that.

Faith smirked mirthlessly. "Oh I fully intend to lay every bit of blame at your door. And if you end up being hounded, hunted down like a dog, then that's just your problem."

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[info]dontcallmebitch
2009-07-25 04:35 pm UTC (link)
"Maybe" Its possible she was, she'd never claimed to be good, never claimed to be rightious. She'd always told them. 'Demon'. Sure she'd lied about her intentions, her humanity, her reasons. But they'd let a demon into their lives all the same. The fact that she'd liked it there had to be beside the point right now.

"He was a known associate, now he's feared. If anything it might look like AI were too weak to stop him. Or that you wouldn't. And you can preach all you want about being a leader. I'm not one, I never was and never will be. But that was the plan, make him a leader. Make him the Boy King they all talked about. Make him feared. Only turns out that wasn't the right way. Turns out he was turning into more of a monster than even me."

Good. She would take the blame, all of it, let them come at her. Thats how it worked wasn't it, the guilty were punished.

"I probably will be. But thats fine. Thats fair. More than fair. Have to hurt before you can heal, Alastair said that to me once, of course I was only supposed to let them heal so I could start over on them but still, its true."

She wanted desperately to know how he was. How he was fighting it? But she didn't dare ask, not Faith, instead she went for the other angle.

"Its not just my blood you have to free him of you know. Its those instincts. That desire to hurt. Thats in him now. He'll need to control that"

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-07-25 04:57 pm UTC (link)
"You're not a leader so how the hell did you think you were qualified to train him?" Faith actually rolled her eyes. "I don't know how much damage has been done to my team's reputation, that's what I'm needing to go and find out." Maybe they'd have been perceived as weak, but Faith doubted it. AI had succeeded in many battles and if anything, the demons would assume that they were supporting Sam's actions. Contacts were lost, neutral demons who had previously avoided all fights now choosing a side. A whole big mess because of Ruby.

"Don't give me the noble act," she sneered. "If you're hounded into hiding then I'll personally thank every one of the demons screaming for your head."

She smirked, a feigned casualness. "Don't you worry about his instincts, I'll put them to good use."

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[info]dontcallmebitch
2009-07-25 05:06 pm UTC (link)
"I was chosen to train him. Meant a lot with who it was coming from, he chose you for something? You did it, and you were grateful for the chance. Its how it worked, how he worked. Rule by fear so much so that when I got a taste, a little taste of that approval. I took it. That and I believed in him, in the stories of how he'd spoken to Lucifer, actually spoken... I was doing work that needed to be done. Then...I met Sam, got to know him and I knew I had to lead him to his destiny"

It sounded insane, she knew it did, but it was also the truth.

"Its not an act, and its not nobility, its how it works, You loose, you pay the price, you're wrong, you suffer for it. Thats life isn't it. So...yeah they'll hunt me down wanting to make me suffer, wouldn't be the first time"

That casualness. Faked of course, but still annoying.

"Don't. Don't make it out to be some kind of joke. He was right on his way to hell Faith, and you ask Dean, or John. Thats not an easy road, Only Sam? He was on a different track. Fast track to the big leagues. You want your boyfriend back how he was, you need to understand that. Or, y'know, be flippant about it. I'm sure that'll go equally as well for you"

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-07-25 06:41 pm UTC (link)
Faith just stared at her for a moment, a faintly incredulous look on her face. "You know," she said after a long pause. "I really can't decide whether you're insane or an idiot. Or both, you really could be both. Not that it matters any more. Whatever you believed in, whatever you were 'chosen' for," she even did mocking airquotes. "It doesn't mean shit any more."

She rolled her eyes again, angrily. "Yeah, yeah, poor little Ruby. Getting exactly what you deserve because you didn't get to make your getaway."

She actually laughed, harshly, mockingly. "It's none of your business what I do or do not make a joke out of, just as it's none of your business how Sam's doing, or how any of us deal with it. As far as you're concerned, Ruby, Sam no longer exists."

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[info]dontcallmebitch
2009-07-25 07:05 pm UTC (link)
"Do you really, honestly think you understand it, any of it, I mean, I get it, you're here being the girlfriend, the Slayer, trying to juggle both and probably failing. But you actually think you have a clue? This...all of this, its not about this place or your war or anything you know. Its something else."

That was it, she didn't need to listen to this bitch being sanctimonious at her. Dean, yes, John, Mary. Fine. But this little girl not even truly understanding what any of it meant. No.

And she didn't get to tell her how to deal with Sam.

"And as it happens, you're wrong. He very much exists to me. Sure, I'll stay away for as long as he needs. One day, him and me, maybe we'll even have our reckoning, maybe he'll get his revenge for what I did, but don't you get it yet. The things I did, the time I took with it. I cared about him. You can call it twisted if you want, maybe it is. But he's been my business for longer than you've known him. Longer than either of you have been alive actually. So hate me all you want. I expect it actually. Deserve it even. But don't you dare tell me how I'm supposed to feel now. You don't have the right."

She turned away from the Slayer eyes finding Castiel.

"I don't have to take this from her. And since I can't leavem she's gonna have to."

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-07-25 07:13 pm UTC (link)
Faith almost growled with frustration. "And you're still not getting the whole where you even are thing, are you. Your little crusade may have nothing to do with my world, but you know, here you are, in my world. See, look at it all around you. Moron."

And then she goaded. Ruby goaded and Faith laughed. She glanced over and looked at the angel, almost challengingly. "Well?"

Castiel was silent a moment, his eyes dark and his expression cold. "Actually she doesn't have to leave and yes, you do have to take it," he informed Ruby angrily before he looked at Faith. "Go ahead."

Faith grinned darkly. "Sam is no longer business and you're never having contact with him again. So you can just forget everything you ever knew of Sam Winchester. Whatever happened in the past is over, we're looking to the future now and you're not it."

Damn, she was going to enjoy this. Moving faster than any human could, she swung her fist back and delivered a punch to Ruby's face, strong enough to crack the bones of her jaw.

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[info]dontcallmebitch
2009-07-25 07:21 pm UTC (link)
"Yes and I was brought here, and they're keeping me here. Admittidly probably the Senior Partners but either way, I'm here and not going anywhere. They're waiting to see what I'll do. You think I can suprise them?"

Castiel apparently thought there was a lesson in here somewhere in amongst all the sanctimonious Slayer crap. Fine. But she didn't have to like it.

She expected the punch, She'd pretty much told Faith she could after all, and it hurt. That'd be the Slayer strength then. She forced the bones back into place and turned back to Faith eyes black.

"I really think that should be up to him once he's back on his feet don't you. Because personally, I think he'll want to ask why. I think he deserves to. Or is he just going from my control to yours. Is that how its going to be now?"

She shook her head, still glaring at the Slayer.

"I'm well aware of what I did, and how much I really don't want Sam to turn out like that. But you? I don't have to listen to you. Now I think you have what you came for. Or do you want more details. I'm pretty sure I can get more into it. Remember every cut, every burn, everything. How about it Faith?

She was pushing it and she knew she was, with Castiel there more than anything. But she knew what she'd done. She didn't need to have it repeated back to her by the girlfriend.

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-07-25 08:45 pm UTC (link)
"I think it would be funny to see you try," Faith smirked. "Then they might do that whole erasing thing and we can all go for beers."

The punch was so satisfying, and the crunch of breaking bones was a damn welcome sound.

She let Ruby have her little sanctimonious rant before she smiled a poisonous smile. "Actually that is his decision. He wants nothing more to do with you. He wants to forget you even exist so I suggest you do the same." And god, she was so glad for that right now.

"You haven't got anything actually useful to tell me," she shook her head. "I think I'll actually go and clean up your shit. And make sure he's going to be safe because unlike you, I actually care about him."

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[info]dontcallmebitch
2009-07-25 08:50 pm UTC (link)
"If they were going to, they have done it by now. I'm not about to start it up again. I know better now, My blood is staying mine. So hold off on the beers. And leave it up to Sam. Because really, when he decides, when he tells me to my face. I'll abide by that."

The Slayer just got to her, bothered her, It wasn't Sam not really, it was the holier than thou attitude, like she'd never fucked up so badly she couldn't come back from it. What was the point in trying if this was how she was left. She turned back to Castiel, moving within the confines of the trap.

"She's wrong. But whatever, no ones gonna believe me. I get that. Now she's got her pound of flesh, we're done."

She wished she could have stormed out but being trapped and all it wasn't really in her power. Mostly she just wanted the bitch out of her apartment.

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[info]faithinthedark
2009-07-25 08:55 pm UTC (link)
Faith wanted to point out how could Sam tell her to her face when he didn't want to see her or speak to her, even online. Instead she just laughed harshly and turned her back on the demon.

"Enjoy your trap, bitch."

With that she stormed out, leaving Castiel behind, staring darkly at Ruby.

"No, she's not," he informed Ruby, coldly. "She's not, and Dean's not and John's not." It was frustrating for him, how little she still seemed to understand. "I'm going out."

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[info]dontcallmebitch
2009-07-25 09:02 pm UTC (link)
The storming out was expected, the reaction from Castiel was less so.

"...She's not wrong. I don't care about Sam? Maybe not in a particularly good way, and I get that, I do. But telling me I don't. Never did maybe. That's bull, and I don't have to take it from her when even Dean is being less hostile about it all. I know what I did. I know how much danger I put Sam in. I know how far I pushed him toward becoming that. I really do. And I did apologise to her, and to Dean. Meant it too. So don't tell me I'm not trying"

She closed her eyes turning away from him furiously, but trying to calm herself.

"...If you don't believe me, if you don't...at least try to, then why am I doing this. You're pretty much the reason. Or a very big part of it. Should I open a vein go and find Sam and let them wipe me from existance? Would that be easier for you? What am I doing here Cas? Just...tell me would you because me, I thought I was trying?"

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[info]warriorofgod
2009-07-25 09:07 pm UTC (link)
"You apologize in one breath and then insult in the next," Castiel snapped. "You say some very nice words and they may me think that maybe, just maybe, there's a chance, but then you undo it all in an instant, with a single line."

The angel was losing his temper, something that was exceptionally rare and with good reason. Outside a rumble of thunder started.

"You speak as though you expect that one day Sam will forgive you for what you did, but the truth is, he wants nothing to do with you. He's made that quite clear to everyone else. He's made his choice, but you're the one who seems unable to accept it and it's that attitude that means she and the rest of them aren't wrong."

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[info]dontcallmebitch
2009-07-25 09:15 pm UTC (link)
The anger turned to shock almost in an instant. She shook slightly sliding onto the couch. He was wrong, and Faith was wrong.

"...You can't know that" she said, almost at a whisper "You can't know that down the line he won't want to hear why, or...give me a chance to apologise or anything. You're an angel don't you have that whole forgiveness thing? Or do I not count"

It couldn't mean that he never wanted to talk to her again. Now, sure. Now she needed to stay away, let him heal, take however many months it took and that was fine. But forever?

"Do you hate me? I mean, you must and I understand that but I thought, you said you'd help me and yet you're just..."

She sighed and kept her eyes fixated on the floor.

"Is it that you think I don't know how to care. Cause if thats true then what've we been doing the past few months. Being with you? It was one of the few things in my life that wasn't built on lies"

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[info]warriorofgod
2009-07-26 10:12 pm UTC (link)
"If you want my honest opinion, I doubt he will ever wish to speak with you again. And it's not for me to decide whether he should forgive you or not. If he decides not to, I will not be surprised. An angel forgives, a human tends not to."

Castiel truly believed that the Winchesters wanted Sam to have no more contact with Ruby and that Sam would chose to honor their wishes. Ruby was going to have to learn to live with that.

"I don't hate you," his eyes were still dark, still angry, but his words honest. "I'm angry, incredibly frustrated with you. I will help you because I know you do care. But you care as a demon does. I can understand that, but a human never could."

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[info]dontcallmebitch
2009-07-26 10:22 pm UTC (link)
That wasn't true. She knew Sam. She knew it was going to take him time and that he had to heal and that he'd hate her. He'd really hate her. But forever? No. Not Sam, not after everything. She wouldn't believe it. But for now, she'd deal with it. For now, she'd not bring it up. Even if they were wrong.

And at least Castiel didn't hate her.

"So, what is it you understand about me and how I care. I'm not human, Sam knew that too. So maybe the way it is for me is different. But does that make it any less valid?. Help me if you're gonna. Tell me what I'm doing wrong because fine, they can yell at me, hate me. But I won't have them tell me I didn't care."

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[info]warriorofgod
2009-07-27 03:05 pm UTC (link)
"But by their standards, you didn't care," Castiel reminded, trying to keep his tone as calm as he could. "You cared as a demon can care, but they're human. They view emotions in a different way."

He looked away, still frustrated, still irritated, but trying to reason with her a little longer before he went to get air.

"Sam wanted to believe you were human, that if you remembered humanity that you would feel emotions as a human would. But you don't. I know that because I'm hardly human either. So they're not wrong when they say you don't care because to them, you don't."

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[info]dontcallmebitch
2009-07-27 04:53 pm UTC (link)
Maybe.

She'd give him the maybe.

She sighed, maybe she didn't feel emotion like a human and maybe she had lied, lied a lot as it happened, but she cared, she truly did and at least he knew that. Even if the things he was saying were getting to her. And they were, they truly were.

"So you're saying never..."

She stood up walking a little away from him back to the edge of the trap.

"What now..." she asked quietly "Where do we..."

There was no we. She had to keep reminding herself of that. Even if she hated it.

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[info]warriorofgod
2009-07-27 09:41 pm UTC (link)
Castiel sighed, understanding the human phrase 'bone tired'.

"You," he emphasized that slightly. "You find an identity of your own. Not what Azazel told you to do, and nothing that involves Sam. Do something for yourself for a change and be something beyond just a follower."

He'd once told her to have something in her life that wasn't Sam. He'd thought that maybe he could have been it, but it seemed that no, he hadn't been enough and as a result she'd lost everything. He wondered now if finally she'd find something else to live by.

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[info]dontcallmebitch
2009-07-27 09:47 pm UTC (link)
She flinched at his words though his voice hadn't been raised even a little, it was what he said rather than how. She understood the words well enough but that wasn't important. Not compared to what they meant.

"I..don't think I know how" she finally said, sharing the fear that had plauged her since what Jacen had shown them. If she wasn't leading Sam to his destiny, if she wasn't partaking in what came after, if that was all wrong and lies, then what was she.

"I've always followed...always had a plan, orders...I don't know how to be anything else except when I'm with you, and now without that...I don't know whats left when you take all that away. Its nothing good whatever it is"

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[info]warriorofgod
2009-07-27 09:58 pm UTC (link)
Castiel shook his head, vehemently. "No."

He didn't raise his voice, not in the slightest, but he looked at her, unflinchingly.

"I will not simply tell you what to do, what to think. I will not just replace Azazel in your mind. It is up to you now, to figure it out for yourself, to think for yourself, for the first time, perhaps ever."

Even if he had the answers to give, he would hold them back and not give her the easy option again.

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[info]dontcallmebitch
2009-07-27 10:16 pm UTC (link)
She turned back to him the irrational thought crossing her mind that if he loved her he'd tell her, give her direction, purpose, something. Finding that for herself was too impossible to even be believed.

"Why?" she asked wildly and looked down unable to hold his gaze when he looked at her like that. She was starting to hate that look. It made her feel all the guilt all at once and she didn't even know where to start. She just wanted to know where to start.

"I'm scared to" she told him, her voice small and shaking "Even if I did know where to start. I have thought for myself before...falling in love with you, that wasn't the plan, that was never the plan, but it was me. Only I can't start there now can I. So what else is there...where can I start where people won't just tell me where to go. Its not being Azazel...not being like him if you just help me"

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[info]warriorofgod
2009-07-27 10:27 pm UTC (link)
"I know you are," he was still talking softly. "It is scary to walk your own path."

He watched her movements closely, neither stepping closer, nor moving away.

"I will help you. When you make those decisions I will help you see if they are the right ones or not. You will sometimes make the wrong choice and I'll be there to set you back on the right path, but those decisions must be yours to make. And eventually you will stop making the wrong choices on your own. Otherwise, what will you do if I am ever gone?"

It was a strange thought to have, but a true one. "I may be an angel, Ruby, but even we can be killed. And one day I may be and you'll be alone. You need to be able to cope if that happens, not simply turn to the next person to control you."

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[info]dontcallmebitch
2009-07-27 10:38 pm UTC (link)
She was pacing again, the caged animal routine growing more and more with every day he kept her trapped like this, every time he walked out of her apartment leaving her to deal with her own thoughts.

And now he'd given her another one she hadn't even considered.

If he died she'd do it, she'd go and find Sam, and cut her arm and let them take her from existance, she knew that. So it was a stupid thing to even ask her.

"You'll be here as long as I am. No one else will control me cause I won't be here. Can't do it without you or don't you get it yet. You're the reason."

There were other reasons, harder to see ever being a part of her life again. Ben, and Sam, of course Sam. But she wasn't supposed to think about that anymore. Not ever he thought.

"I don't want you to think for me. I know you think Azazel controlled what I thought, but he didn't. Not all of what I am came from his teachings. But here, now. I don't know what I'm supposed to be now. Where do I even begin past the apologies they'll never accept"

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[info]warriorofgod
2009-07-27 10:50 pm UTC (link)
Castiel's head snapped up and he looked at her directly, his eyes flashing darkly.

"No." He could almost tell what she was thinking, not the details but the general feel. "If I'm killed, then don't insult everything I am, or was, by just ending. This is why you need a reason outside of another person. Outside of Sam, Azazel, me. Something for yourself."

He had his doubts over how many of Ruby's thoughts really did come from Azazel's teachings. He suspected it may have only been her feelings for him that deviated from the path.

"Maybe they'll accept it, maybe they won't. Just think what you want to make of yourself now. Do you want to remain here, do you want to focus on them or do you want to take part in the fight with the Senior Partners in another way?"

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[info]dontcallmebitch
2009-07-27 11:00 pm UTC (link)
He was against it, she knew he would be, saying it would be an insult. But she couldn't continue to live if he wasn't there. Even if he felt he couldn't be with her, she couldn't switch off loving him.

"Its the best way though. Because without you to fight for..."

She trailed off, yes she was still fighting for him, maybe always would. She wanted him to love her again like she did him. Wanted it like before but without all the lies.

"What other reason is there, you want me to pick sides in this war? Neither side would even want me"

The only thing that would have made her stand against the Senior Partners, who honestly she understood better than the other side was the Winchesters, Yes, all of them. Because she knew when push came to shove they'd stand with good and even if they hated her she owed them now. She'd defend them, defend Sam, even if they didn't want her to. She'd find a way to.

"What exactly am I good for now Castiel. I'm just another demon, the only thing I had going for me over the others was..." Well, it was Sam. Azazel's choice of her. And now she was just another demon.

"How would I even start, I talk to people occasionally when you let me, but actually participating again. Getting out of this...You don't think I'm ready yet, do you?"

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[info]warriorofgod
2009-07-27 11:11 pm UTC (link)
"Without me to fight for, you find something else. You fight for yourself," Castiel pointed out, folding his arms slightly.

"Just another demon?" He almost looked amused. "Like just another human? You had someone else give you a label, now you need to create one for yourself. If you don't think the side wants you then show them you are worth wanting."

He wanted her to do this for herself, wanted it to be her choice, but if nothing else he could throw her this little bit of help.

"Make yourself someone I can be proud of."

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[info]dontcallmebitch
2009-07-27 11:22 pm UTC (link)
Make him proud? She thought maybe. Maybe she could do that. It was what she'd wanted from him, wasn't it. A sign from him that she wasn't entirely alone. Fighting for herself, finding herself, that'd make him proud would it?

She moved across the room toward him quickly stopping just a few inches from him, close, closer than she'd been since he'd discovered what she'd done, dark eyes matching his own.

"I'll try, I'll make mistakes, probably lots of them but if you're gonna be there. If you'll be there for me, then I'll make you proud"

The closeness hurt, but she also couldn't bear to step back, because even the hurt was better when mixed with this closeness

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[info]warriorofgod
2009-07-27 11:34 pm UTC (link)
"I'll be there," was it his imagination or was his voice slightly hoarse as he looked down at her, standing so very close. "I'll be there when you make the mistakes and I'll help you distinguish the mistakes from the right choices until you learn to recognize them for yourself."

That was what he'd promised wasn't it? That he'd be there, that he'd help. Even if he could no longer trust her in the way he had, even if they were no longer together.

"I want you to make me proud."

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[info]dontcallmebitch
2009-07-27 11:42 pm UTC (link)
She was prolonging it, the time he was here, standing this close to her, it hurt but she didn't care. Her breath was almost heavey as he spoke, as she tried to formulate a reply that would lead to more dicussion, more questions, more time spent just like this.

"Its all I need, I need to know that you'll still let me try, every mistake every...wrong move"

She couldn't help moving just a little closer, just a little bit closer.

"But I'll keep going, keep finding my way...I'll make you proud of me"

Closer, just a little more, that ache for him grew, but she couldn't turn away, she couldn't.

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[info]warriorofgod
2009-07-27 11:50 pm UTC (link)
Castiel closed his eyes, but he could still feel her moving closer, could hear her words and wanting to believe her, believe in her, but still feeling that terrible wariness that hadn't left him since her betrayal.

"I should probably go," he kept his eyes closed as he spoke, so quietly.

He didn't want to, but that was the reason he had to.

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[info]dontcallmebitch
2009-07-27 11:57 pm UTC (link)
"You probably should..."

Damn him, if he didn't want her anymore then why was he still here, like this, looking like he did, in his own way tempting her. Before she would have just kissed him, and she wanted to, more than anything else she wanted to, their lips now barely apart, she would, she should

She bent her head at the last second resting it against his chest, still barely able to breathe at the closeness.

This feeling, this was the only thing left in her life that made sense, she didn't want him to take it away from her. Not tonight.

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[info]warriorofgod
2009-07-28 12:13 am UTC (link)
She nearly kissed him. And he actually wanted to. Nearly kissed her himself.

For a long moment he let her stay there, resting against his chest before almost reluctantly easing his hands onto her shoulders and encouraging her to move away.

"I am going to go."

He felt torn but eventually he made that move, stepping away before turning and heading towards the door.

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[info]dontcallmebitch
2009-07-28 12:19 am UTC (link)
She knew it couldn't last, this. Any of this, but she stayed where she was, she thought she could have stayed there forever. Things were less confusing there, less complicated. And he made her feel safe.

But finally he stepped away and walked toward the door, away from her, and she was cold again.

"I love you" she told him, looking more than a little bereft now she stood alone in the middle of the trapped room.

She should have kissed him, he might have stayed if she had. Or he might have left sooner. Either way she wasn't going to be the one to tell him to go. She watched him, eyes never leaving him.

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