InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "BOOYAKA!"

winchester, sam. (demonblood) wrote in parabolical,
@ 2009-07-02 17:15:00

Entry tags:

faith lehane, sam winchester

WHO: Sam, Faith; a bit of Claire, mentions of John.
WHAT: He can't stand the idea of waiting around long enough to lose her entirely.
WHEN: Late afternoon.
WHERE: Claire's place.
RATING: TBD.
STATUS: In progress.

It was difficult for him to accept that he was wrong. The acceptance was strong, the knowledge of what he had done, who he had hurt, how badly things had gotten screwed up; all of it stood out, rather strongly, and it left Sam realizing that he, personally, was one big old mess that needed to be cleaned up. The acceptance of the fact had been one thing. Difficult, particularly after Ruby threw the truth of her intentions into his face, but at least it was done. Sam might have been able to admit about being confused about a lot of things ever since having that blood ripped from him and the truth revealed, but where he stood on a few particular matters failed to exist as one of those things resting within his list of uncertainties.

Faith was one of those things. Right up there with his family, Sam felt a sense of self disgust and intense concern whenever he thought of her lately. He hadn't seen her since that night, walking straight out when all he could see was Ruby's blood, but ever since he had been shoved into that room within the Winchester home she had failed to leave his thoughts.

She probably hated him. Sam really didn't think he'd be able to blame her if she did. No, he wouldn't. He wouldn't blame her at all. Yet, despite the thoughts of how badly Faith must have wanted to pummel him with her fists, Sam just couldn't let it go like that. He wanted to see her. Sam didn't know what he was going to say or how he was going to say it, but one thing was very, very clear to him: he didn't want to lose her. And if he wasted time, sitting around, worrying over how much she hated him, she was going to slip - if possible - even further away from him than she was now. He had to see her. Had to make her understand that what he did, fucked up as it all was, wasn't because he wanted to rip them apart. He wanted to make things better. For everyone.

And look at how that turned out, Sam thought quietly, shoulders slumped over as he looked at the mirror resting before him. It was an uncomfortable process, thoroughly explaining, and then having the doubtful looks that followed when he informed everyone that he was headed out to Claire's to talk with Faith. He was used to just leaving. Doing what he wanted. Having his family trust him to do the right thing wherever he went. Did they trust him now?

No. The answer was very simple. They did not.

Sam waited a bit after his father had departed out to the same location in which he was headed. To do what, God only knew. The only thing truly known was that Sam was far too conflicted on the inside to bother trying to fight John on this one. Adding more heat to the fire was the last thing anyone needed. So Sam let him go. He didn't object. And he waited. When all seemed clear, Sam placed a hand to the edge of the mirror and watched carefully as the image of the interior of Claire's closet shifted into view.

Right. Claire's place. That was going to be fun, with her supervision and all. And Dad. Lurking somewhere nearby. With Faith around. Angry. He would have backed out now, normally. But he wasn't going by what was 'normal' anymore. Sam was barely able to identify as to what the term meant lately. He had forgotten what his lifestyle had used to be. He'd forgotten how to live without lies, secrets, and a comfort lying in the dark.

He had to go.

Palm rising to press against the glass, Sam screwed his eyes shut and grit his teeth tightly as the uncomfortable process, in his own opinion, of being transported from one place to the other struck him hard. Stumbling among the various articles of clothing strung up around him, Sam swayed dizzily before shaking his head, as if to clear it, and straightening out. It took him a few long moments to compose himself, thoughts of how much easier the transport would have felt if he were fixed on demon blood momentarily overwhelming him, before Sam found the ability to shove those very thoughts away and step out into the open.

This was not going to go well. Not at all.

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faithinthedark
2009-07-02 11:06 pm UTC (link)

For the first time in a long, long time, Faith wasn't planning on patrolling that night. She'd already contacted Jacen and Tenel Ka, asking them both to cover her for the night. That didn't rule out yet another visit to Spike's fight club later, but that would have been just her letting off steam. Patrol was duty and duty came first. Arranging for someone else to take her area of the city was her main priority.

But once that had been sorted, and after messages of support from people like Claire and Cathy, all Faith was able to do was wait. Sit in Claire's living room, and wait to see if Sam was even going to turn up. The various empty bottles of vodka were in a box in the far corner, waiting to be disposed of and out of tempting reach.

It was hard, sitting and trying not to let her mind go over every single painful detail, both real and imaginary, as she waited. Ruby's triumphant taunting still echoed around her head, as did Sam's single minded focus in that damned warehouse.

Faith was considering burning that place down.

Her imagination was working overtime as well, going over everything Sam had said to her through their entire relationship, picking them apart for the lies as she pictured him going off to see Ruby, sneaking off for some sordid little affair. It was really annoying that all those vodka bottles were empty.

Finally, just when she thought she was just going to snap and leave to do something she heard movement, looking up to see Sam. Her face remained carefully expressionless as she remained in place on the sofa, her arms folded.

"Well," her voice was low as she glared. "I gather you're not so much with the screaming hallucinations any more. Good for you."

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demonblood
2009-07-02 11:43 pm UTC (link)

Sam didn't have time to prepare himself. The second he was out of the closet, looking to figure a way to gain some form of convincing composure, he found himself looking directly at the woman responsible for his current presence. Sam's mouth fell open lightly, but he didn't let the air of surprise linger for long. A flicker of concern, a note of how serious he took the situation, and a lingering moment of guilt followed before Sam allowed himself to toe an inch away from the closet door, hands sliding unevenly into the pockets of his jeans.

The faint scent of alcohol drew Sam's gaze out to the box in the corner. Combining the terrible way Faith was looking now to what, from what Sam could tell judging from what was poking out of the box, must have been several bottles of vodka, it was easy to reach the final conclusion that Faith had been drinking. A lot. All because of him.

"I am so sorry," Sam began, looking fairly uncertain. Not with the statement - he knew he was sorry for making her hurt - but with the reaction that he predicted would follow the words. "I didn't mean -" Sam wanted to look down. To guard himself. But he forced himself to look at her, doing everything he could to keep himself from behaving like a small, desperate child. "You have every right to be angry with me."

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faithinthedark
2009-07-02 11:50 pm UTC (link)

For some reason being told she had the right to be angry with him just made her feel more angry. She already knew that! Even if she hadn't figured it out herself, she'd had enough people telling her that over the past week, she didn't need his confirmation of it too. Still, she refrain from snapping, just, or from punching him.

He was here. And he'd opened with an apology, which was close to grovelling and wasn't that what she'd told Cathy she wanted from him? To grovel, to beg for her forgiveness. Except now he was here, Faith didn't even know what she wanted. Sam spun her head around, as always, except not in the good way he had before.

"Right," she ground out through gritted teeth before she made herself look him in the eye. He didn't exactly look well, though judging by Claire's descriptions of his detoxing, she imagined he was improved on the last few days.

"So, did you fuck her too?" She arched an eyebrow, almost daring him to lie to her, again.

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demonblood
2009-07-03 12:16 am UTC (link)

Sam shifted awkwardly, shrinking back a bit at the way she was looking at him. He wasn't used to that. Faith had never really looked at him like this before. Not even the vampire version that he had spent far too much time for his own comfort with and he found that to be very concerning. Sam knew that she was disappointed and angry and betrayed and God only knew what else. How had he intended on making this better again?

Sam actually flinched at her question. He shouldn't have been surprised by it; he had been sneaking around with Ruby all this time, after all, but he couldn't help but appear to be a little bit offended at the suggestion. Ruby was a demon. A lying, traitorous creature from Hell. The fuck if he'd ever screw around with her. Sam wanted to say all that, right then and there, but chose to be less aggressive about it. Faith didn't need a rant from him. She needed the plain truth.

"No," he answered, looking at her as honestly as he could under that gaze of hers. "I never did. Never wanted to. She wasn't you."

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faithinthedark
2009-07-03 12:22 am UTC (link)

Faith could see the offended look flare for a moment, and felt more than a little insulted in return. He'd been sneaking around, lying, and god knows what else with Ruby, what had he really expected her to think? She couldn't even tell if she really believed him now. Months of lies and now he was suddenly being honest? It all looked the same to her by now so how could she tell the difference?

"So, what, guess I should be grateful for that?" She retorted sarcastically, the cool tone of her voice cracking slightly as the emotions began to creep through as she forced herself to pause, taking a deep breath as she looked away.

"Right, she wasn't me, she's just some skanky demon." She made herself look up at Sam, the hurt clearly showing in her eyes. "You realize it's still cheating, all the same right?"

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demonblood
2009-07-03 12:41 am UTC (link)

Sarcasm. Attitude. Sam swallowed hard and nodded. Yeah, he had to take it all like a man. That was part of the earlier plan. Let her dish it. Take it. Don't complain. He was well aware as to how much he truly deserved it. Sam was actually hoping that she would yell at him. Maybe even strike him. The glare, the sheltered tone of voice? It was worse than either of the other two ever could have been. He didn't know how to react here. He had expected so much worse coming in.

But this was the beginning. The tide could easily turn on him when he least expected it.

"I didn't," Sam said quietly, "not until...I didn't realize it until it was too late. We were too close. I couldn't..." He didn't know how to explain without sounding like some sort of pathetic drug addict. "I couldn't stop."

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faithinthedark
2009-07-03 08:56 am UTC (link)

"Well it was," Faith snapped back. "And I don't think I exactly want to know how 'close' you two got." Her face twisted with disgust. This was harder than she'd thought it was going to be, seeing him there in front of her, making with the quiet excuses. Her instinct was still to run and kiss him, even as she was having to restrain herself from hitting him senseless.

"You couldn't stop?" She echoed with a sneer. "So, what, that makes it all not your fault? Goddammit, Sam."

She finally screwed up her fists, standing angrily. It was faintly ridiculous, someone of her height standing up to someone of Sam's.

"Maybe I should go and make it even, go have kinky bitey blood fun with Spike, since, hey it seems as long as I don't actually touch his dick, it's not cheating in your world."

She was being ridiculous, she knew she was, but she just needed him to see it all from her point of view. Being that close with someone, with Ruby. It was cheating.

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demonblood
2009-07-04 12:37 am UTC (link)

"I never said it wasn't my fault," he responded. "I already know what I've done, okay? I know that I've screwed up bad." Lying, sneaking around, doing what he did; not just with Ruby, but all over the place. Different things. Terrible, terrible things. Sam had breezed past them all easily enough. Until now. Now he found himself wondering why he thought it was even close to okay. Why didn't he stop?

"I never said it wasn't my fault! I know what I've done. It's so fucked to high hell that I wouldn't be surprised if you threw me outta here and told me to never come back. I know, all right? I know."

Sam rubbed at the space between his eyes with his palm, blinking away some of the exhaustion that was still hanging over him. He needed more rest, but he wasn't able to get any. No matter how hard he tried, cravings and unpleasant combinations of guilt and anger kept hitting him at full force whenever he tried closing his eyes. Sam momentarily wondered if Faith had been able to sleep much either. It certainly didn't look like it.

More guilt. How long had it been since he'd felt that emotion?

"I said I was sorry," Sam repeated quietly. "And I know it's not good enough, but..." He released a weary breath. "It's all that I have, Faith. If you wanna take a swing at me or do what you've gotta do, then -" He held his arms out at his sides, weakly attempting to sober up his expression so that he didn't already look like some sort of wounded animal while trying to urge her on. "- go ahead. I'm not gonna argue. I'm not gonna try and stop you, Faith."

He'd hurt her bad. He didn't know how to fix it. God, he didn't know at all.

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faithinthedark
2009-07-04 12:45 am UTC (link)

Faith screwed her eyes closed, trying to fight back the threatening tears of anger. God, she didn't want to heat him being so quiet and sounding so broken, didn't want the protective streak still showing through for him when he got like that. So she did the only thing she knew how to do. She slapped him. Right across the face.

Not at full Slayer strength, nothing even remotely close, but there was still a faint sting on her palm.

"Don't, alright, don't tell me what I'm supposed to be doing," she stepped back, her hands going to her head as her fingers twisted in her hair. "I love you, Sam," she didn't even notice she still said that in the present tense. "In that insane, would do anything for you, madly deeply kinda way and all the time you were..." She trailed off before turning away, just for a moment, as she tried to get her head sorted.

"How long?" Her voice was low, with a forced calm again as she made herself look at him. "How long was this sordid little affair going on for? Come on, I want to know every twisted little detail."

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demonblood
2009-07-04 01:22 am UTC (link)

He had offered. Said that she could take a swing if she wanted. It certainly had not looked much like Faith was going to take him up on it, which was why Sam was struck with a sharp twinge of surprise in addition to the stinging sensation across the side of his face. Physically, the shot wasn't so horrible. Emotionally? Sam didn't stand much of a chance against it. It was practically a knockout shot.

Face turned away from her, angled off slightly to the right so that he was looking down, Sam forced himself to bite back the pain. There was a sting in his eyes, annoyingly, and it kept Sam from looking back at Faith for what must have felt like the longest time.

Love? Loved? Was she confused?

The question that followed wasn't going to help his case by much. Sam stared at the floor, wishing that a hole would open up and something large and vicious would rise through and swallow him whole.

"The first real time we went at it..." He rubbed at his face again, then forced himself, with much difficulty, to look at Faith once more. "It was a little after we got together. That's when I got into it. Small doses. Just enough to get me by." He folded his arms over his chest, looking horrible uncomfortable. "Then it picked up, slowly. After a while, drinking her bl -" He winced. God, that sounded so bad; it was one thing talking about it with Ruby, it was another matter entirely when it came to the people he loved. "Doing what I did. Just came easy."

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faithinthedark
2009-07-04 01:31 am UTC (link)

"A little after we..." Faith echoed before she had to stop and swallow hard, needing to sit down again. "So basically our entire relationship then." She laughed bitterly. "Our entire relationship was pretty much a lie."

She'd suspected it, but having it confirmed felt like a knife in her heart, twisting with every new revelation.

"I said I wanted details," she insisted dully. "What, you'd sneak off together and then what? You bit her? Or cut her? Just where over her fucking body was your damn mouth? And where did you two even go to do this, some sleazy motel some place? Check in as some sort of couple for your little kink fest? God."

She felt sick, really and totally sick, even as her imagination kept feeding her the images of the pair of them. Faith stared at the floor for a moment, concentrating on not throwing up before making herself look up at Sam, trying to meet his eyes.

"Was any of what we had even real?"

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demonblood
2009-07-04 02:10 am UTC (link)

Sam couldn't answer her questions. Not on the details. Not right now. It was difficult to focus on a coherent response on the matter when she was creating such a force of frustration within him that Sam was actually afraid he was going to start yelling at her. Except yelling was bad. And as frustrating as Faith was being at the moment, he knew that raising his voice to her, after everything, was a really bad idea.

He didn't move. Sam was afraid to go near her. Too close and she might strike him again. Wasn't like he didn't deserve it if she did. "Of course it was real," Sam pushed back, trying to keep his own tone of voice even. "How could you even ask me that? After everything we've done and been through?"

Because he was a liar. And a sneak. That's how she could ask. Sam let out a low groan. "Please don't think like that. It was real. Every last minute of it was real." He gave her as honest a look as he could muster. Wide-eyed, determined, and concerned all at once. "I love you. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here now."

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faithinthedark
2009-07-04 02:19 am UTC (link)

God, she couldn't take him giving her that kind of look, not right then. Not when she still felt like her head was going to explode.

"How do you even know?" Her voice was so damn quiet she could barely hear herself before she got up and began pacing back and forth in front of the window, her arms tightly folded over her body.

"I mean, lets say for half a second that I believe you. Not saying I do, but for the purpose of the point or whatever right now."

She looked at him, much of the anger faded, for now at least, and she mostly just looked scared.

"How do you even know what you feel? You just said it, for most of our relationship you were high on that bitch's blood. I saw what that shit did to you, I saw what you were like in the warehouse. How do you even know that that stuff didn't make you think you were in love with me?"

She wanted to believe him so much it actually physically hurt, but she knew what crazy mind altering substances did to a person. Had more than a couple of scars from that herself, thanks to her Orpheus addiction. And no matter how much she wanted it, no matter how much Sam himself may believe it, Faith knew she'd never know for sure if his claims were genuine love or just the blood talking.

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demonblood
2009-07-04 05:30 am UTC (link)

"I know 'cause..." He looked down, mind going over how to properly phrase the statement. Faith certainly had a good point, he wasn't going to deny that, but he downright refused to believe that it was factual. That blood might have impacted him on many levels, but it couldn't possibly have been influencing any of what he had with Faith. That was all done by his own free will. Sam had made the decision to get together with her. He was the one who had admitted that he was indeed in love. Sam would never lie about something as important as the affairs of the heart.

...would he?

"I'm not on it now." That was probably the only thing that Sam had going for him right now. From Faith's perspective. His own, on the other hand, was very confused when it came to whether or not he ought to be fixed up on Ruby's blood or not. Yes, it was bad. Yes, it was evil. Yes, it made him feel absolutely wonderful.

He was thinking about it now. He had to focus on something else. Fast.

Hands shaking a little, he inhaled heavily and tried to keep himself steady. No running off. He would not dash up the stairs, take the mirror back home, and route his way to Ruby's for a fix. He would not, he would not, he would not.

"And I know how I feel now," Sam continued, "I love you, Faith. You've gotta believe me."

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faithinthedark
2009-07-04 12:06 pm UTC (link)

"I wanna believe you," she stood with her back to the window, everything in hr body just feeling so damn awkward. "God, you don't know how much I wanna believe you. But after everything you've..." she broke off and swallowed hard, her hand shaking slightly as she ran it through her hair.

"I just can't."

The only thing she could trust was that he wasn't on the blood now. That much she knew purely because of the others, John and Dean, Mary and Claire, she knew they'd made him dry out. But the rest of it? The rest of it she had no idea and that hurt more than anything else.

"I keep going over everything in my head," she started after a long pause. "Everything we did, every time we argued, over her. I should have figured it out, it was right in front of me the whole time. The mood swings, the attitude, the secrecy. The time you vanished for a damn week because you were with her. And I keep coming back to the fact that I can't figure out why. Why did you even start this? How did you change from being a guy willing to jump in the Pits for Heather to get rid of the demon blood, to someone having a sleazy affair with a demon for more of it? Was it my fault? Did I do something to drive you to it? Could..." Heather. "someone else have stopped you?"

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demonblood
2009-07-05 12:47 am UTC (link)

She couldn't believe him. No one could. It was frustratingly annoying, but there was nothing that Sam could do about it. He had screwed himself over and, deep down, he knew that there was a very good chance that he would never be able to get that trust back from any of them ever again. The concept sickened him on multiple levels; almost to the extent where he wanted to crawl into a hole and hide there for as long as it took for him to learn to accept the very fact.

He was doing his best to avoid looking much like a kicked puppy. Thus far, he was failing miserably. He'd been doing all right up until the literal slap to the face. Keeping himself neutral, making it easy for Faith to vent at him. He knew he had to get to that point again because he very well deserved it, but there was a bit of a struggle directed in his path. He'd need to overcome it.

"I started to make everything better," Sam explained quietly. "Do you know how much I've lost? Between my Mom, Jess, Dad, Dean - and that's just for starters. I couldn't stop any of it, and in a place like this, where everyone is together but always in danger? We needed it. Someone out there who could provide protection that doesn't consist of rock salt and bullets." He didn't move. Didn't know how to at the moment. "I never want to lose anyone again. Not my parents, not my brother, not Ben, not you. It's why I started. Then, somewhere down the line..." He looked down, feeling ashamed. "It got fuzzy."

Sam shook his head, shifting uncomfortably. "No. I don't think anything but the truth could have stopped me in this case, Faith."

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faithinthedark
2009-07-05 01:00 am UTC (link)

Faith shook her head with a faintly incredulous laugh, one with more than a slight amount of bitterness in it.

"I don't know whether to slap you for being dumb or slap you for just insulting me and pretty much everything I do."

She sat down, trying to actually make her brain form thoughts, rational ones that made any sort of sense. It was pretty hard to do, the lingering alcohol in her system not helping.

"I mean, what do you think we do in AI, sit on our asses all day?" She looked up at him, an eyebrow arched. "Even in this last week, I have gone out every night to handle patrols. Even when more of our people are gone, we're still making sure this city is covered, we're still doing training and researching how to develop the different magic crap and handling the walk in clients. We work our asses off to protect this city, in every way we can. And we didn't need you to do..." she flailed a moment, trying to find the right word. "That."

There was more flailing as her incredulous feeling grew. "And it doesn't even matter how much any of us do, we can't save everyone all the time, we know this. So we just gotta do our best. And god, this, this was your solution? Alienating yourself from your family, cheating on me? This was your plan on how to not lose people? Jeez, Sam, how much did Ruby mess with your head?"

She made herself stop, and breathe, calm down before she did actually slap him again.

"I was actually happy, you know? I loved you, hell I still love you. I got people telling me I should just walk away from you after what you've done and I am so freaking angry with you it's actually kinda scaring me, but I can't help it, I still love you. But I just can't trust that anything you claim to feel for me is even real."

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demonblood
2009-07-05 09:36 pm UTC (link)

"Why do you even think that this is about what you and your friends do over there? It's about me. I'm supposed to be able to protect my family and I can't do that when I'm all -" Weak. The word was weak. "- we all have our responsibilities. The Hyperion protects this city. I protect my family. I don't care who else is out there keeping an eye out on them; they're still mine and that's what family is supposed to do. Depending on someone else, capable or not, is not the solution to every problem in the world. If that were the case, Dean never would have died! God would have saved him after I spent every night praying that he..."

Sam reached up and ran a hand over his face. No, no, no. Don't be stupid. Crying was stupid.

"I didn't think it was gonna go this far," he said, lowering his voice again. "I know that it's not a good excuse. I don't have an excuse. All I knew, from the start, was that the second Ruby started talking about how much this would help everyone, it was all I could think about. And that's the truth."

Another slap. Well deserved, just as the first one was.

His vision blurred along with the sting at his cheek, but he didn't look away. "I don't know how to make you believe anything I say," Sam told her, voice breaking. "But I'll do anything, Faith. I'll do anything you want me to to make this better. Anything. Please. Just tell me what to do."

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faithinthedark
2009-07-05 09:48 pm UTC (link)

"God?" Faith echoed. "Who the hell said God had anything to do with this? Me, I learned a long time ago that praying doesn't get you shit. AI protects this city and in case you didn't notice, that includes your family. Did you really think we'd ever let anything happen to them? That I would? You didn't need to twist yourself into that."

There were tears stinging at her eyes as she looked down. Fuck, this was messed up. It was beyond messed up.

"When did it change?" Her voice was quiet. "When did it stop being only protecting your family that you could think about and start becoming only her?" She made herself look up at him, even with the tears now falling down her face unchecked. "I heard you, in that warehouse. All you cared about was her. All you wanted was her. And now..."

She trailed off, drawing in a ragged breath. He sounded so convincing, and if nothing else for the first time she believed that he believed what he was saying. But that still didn't make it real, didn't mean it wasn't the blood talking.

"You gotta prove it," she stared at him. "And I don't mean one big dramatic gesture because that won't do a damn thing to fix this. You and me, we're starting again and this time you're proving to me you mean it. And you're not going near her again or I swear to god, I'll kick your ass."

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demonblood
2009-07-06 01:54 am UTC (link)

"It wasn't her," Sam corrected, "it was her blood. It was the way it made me - it was the way it made me feel. The power behind it all." The one thing that Sam had always been wary of. Watching those other kids, seeing how it changed them all so drastically. How had he let the same thing creep up and catch him like that when he had been so careful to avoid it all this time? After Ava and Jake? How?

She was crying, oh God. He wanted to rush over and pull her into his arms, but there seemed to be some sort of invisible restraint holding Sam back. Something was telling him that he couldn't do that anymore. He had broken the rules. Faith didn't want him to touch her.

He held his breath when she spoke. You gotta prove it. That was certainly better than her stating that there was nothing that could be done. That they were broken and could never be fixed. Sam wiped a sleeve across his eyes and nodded.

"I promise you, you'll never question it again. I promise." He'd do whatever it took. The thought of being away from Faith killed him on the inside; hell, it was already slaughtering him, just thinking about how she had been able to believe that he had been faking his emotions for all this time. Sam knew he had been uncertain of a lot of things while he was doped up on that blood, but the way he felt about Faith was not one of them. If that were the case, he wouldn't be standing here now, looking like, as Ben would say, a complete and total wuss. Practically crying. Desperate. He had to make her understand that he wanted to be with her. He wanted to be with her, he wanted to make things better again, he wanted to fix what they were. If that meant he had to work extra hard, then he was more than willing. She was worth every second of it.

"I'm never going near her again, all right? Not after what she's done. To me. To us. What she was planning on doing...I won't have it. Not anymore." And he meant it.

Mostly. He inhaled sharply and closed his eyes. No more blood. No more.

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faithinthedark
2009-07-06 02:05 am UTC (link)

"Yeah, well, I remember what addiction does to a person," Faith muttered. "Got more than a couple of needle marks to prove that. Still doesn't change the fact your dealer is a hot chick with a wicked sized crush on you and a massive hate on me and I got to listen to you shouting for her. The blood. Whichever." She let out a long, long sigh, wondering briefly how she would have reacted if someone had taken away her Orpheus dealer before she'd been ready. If she was brutally honest with herself, she doubted it would have been much different.

"I hope you're right," she looked up at him, some slow tears still making their way down her face. "I really hope you do mean it because I can't do this again. I'm giving you another chance so please don't make me regret it." Sam had broken her heart, something she'd always thought was some figure of speech, but now actually felt like a pain in her chest, and the idea of ever going through something like that again was terrifying. But so was the idea of walking away from him altogether.

"I'm still not sure why she's not dead yet," she scowled slightly. "Or why we haven't gone with an idea we had a few weeks back when she was making with all the threats to us all of ripping her out of that body and putting her in a box. A really little one. Forever." God, she loved that plan. It was a good plan. Then she looked up,with a frown. "What do you mean what she was planning on doing?"

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demonblood
2009-07-06 08:14 am UTC (link)

"I'm sorry." He had to repeat it. The sight of those tears on her face - tears that certainly didn't belong there - had brought on another apology. Sam had difficulty keeping his eyes on her. He'd glance over every other couple seconds with the wish that she'd just stop crying echoing loudly in the back of his head. God, he wanted to pull her close and tell her that everything was gonna be all right. But how could he do that when he didn't even know?

"I won't," Sam insisted, "if there's that little bit of faith you've got left, please just use it to believe that. I swear to you, things are gonna be better." He was determined to see it through. Sam wasn't his strongest right now, he wasn't as mentally stable as he'd prefer, and he certainly didn't think he'd be able to put up a decent fight if Ruby came running at him with an open wound, but he did know that he wanted to do his best to change. He wanted to get better. That was what Castiel had said. Go back to his family and friends. The people that he loved. They were all that he had left, as much as he'd pushed them away. Sam needed them back. He knew they wouldn't come running. But with time and effort, maybe they would be able to learn to trust him again.

He didn't want to get his hopes up. But they were his family.

"Box seems like too nice of a sentence now," Sam muttered. He folded his arms over his chest, looking uncertainly over at the nearest seating opportunity. Would it be all right if he sat? He hesitated for a long moment before he stepped over and slumped into a chair. He was exhausted, physically and emotionally. Sitting was good. "All those Seals I've told you about. The stuff that Ruby said Lilith was doing back home." Sam rubbed at the side of his face, fingers massaging at the area she had struck earlier. "Ruby was training me up to kill Lilith. That's always been her story, right? Wasn't exactly a lie. She just conveniently forgot to tell me that Lilith was the final Seal. She wanted me to kill her. Break Lucifer out of his stupid cage. Apparently there was a plan or something where I was 'sposed to go back home...I was so strung up on her blood that I had no idea, you know? I was willing to do whatever. Probably would have let Lucifer right on out without - she used me, Faith. Never was any good for me. And, you know, if it was any other demon, it'd be all right. I'd have accepted the fact and moved on. But this is Ruby. She was..." He had trusted her. With his life. The lives of his family. His body and soul and his entire life that one time where he'd let her possess him. Everything.

Now it was gone.

"I should have known."

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faithinthedark
2009-07-06 11:05 am UTC (link)

"Okay."

There was a long pause before Faith nodded, as if trying to convince herself as much as Sam. "Okay, you've got another chance. I want to be able to trust you again. But it's gonna take time," she looked at him sharply, almost daring him to challenge her on that. "It's gonna take a lot of time and you can't take the quick fix. Not with me or your family. Sometimes there's no quick solution to making everything better, you gotta do it the long way."

As Sam sat down, Faith drew her knees up, curling more into the sofa as she listened to the news about the Seal.

Her face screwed up with confusion over the Lilith thing. Lilith was dead. But Sam seemed to believe that she still needed fighting, so that was that.

The Lucifer part however. Faith's eyes widened, a clear fury showing through. "She was doing what? Oh she is so dead. I don't care if I have to walk in and do favors for Wolfram and Hart to get it down, the demon is gone." She'd always suspected some kind of messing with Sam, but to that level...

"She was Ruby," she finished Sam's sentence quietly. "And you loved her."

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demonblood
2009-07-06 07:07 pm UTC (link)

The quick solution was exactly what Sam wanted. As much as he knew it would never come to anyone involved, especially not him, Sam couldn't help but wish it were possible. Unfortunately, the cold, hard truth was that there was a very good chance that Sam would never be able to make them all trust or even want to be around him again. He had gotten lucky with Faith; she was giving him another chance. Would everyone else be so willing to do the same?

He understood it. He accepted it. But Sam didn't like it.

"She's, ah...she's gonna be a lot harder to take on with Castiel watching her," Sam informed her. Castiel. He still didn't like him. Sam was holding a grudge over the angel at the moment - or, at least, the part of him that very much still craved Ruby's blood was - and he didn't know how to move past the way he felt. He sort of didn't want to right now.

Sam clasped his hands together and looked down. "Not the way that I love you. But yeah. I did love her." It was stupid. He was stupid. "She was...she was one of us, Faith." He looked out at her, that feeling of betrayal sinking into his chest all over again. "One of us. I'd have died for her just as quick as any of my other family and friends and she just...how could I be so -" He lifted a hand as if to illustrate his point, then halfway decided against it and balled his fist up. "Whoever Ruby was? The version that I considered friend? She's dead to me. That thing out there now is nothing but a monster. That's the way it should be."

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faithinthedark
2009-07-06 07:16 pm UTC (link)

The angel was still an issue, and Faith felt a flare of anger for the being who was supposed to protect the Winchesters from threats like this, not jump into bed with them. A very large part of the blame, in Faith's mind, fell at Castiel's feet. He should have known, should have done something.

"She played all of us," she murmured, dark eyes watching Sam closely. "By the end her true colors were starting to show through, but in the beginning she was one of us. I used to think of her as a friend before she changed."

She bit her lip before slowly uncurling her legs and standing up, hesitating another moment before she made her way over to him. Her hand was almost tentative as she reached out and brushed some of his hair back before she leaned down and gently kissed the top of his head.

"You weren't to know she was lying." Her hand moved down to the back of his neck, a more hesitant version of a neck rub in some attempt to maybe comfort him, or try to feel normal with him again. Faith wasn't too sure.

There were still a lot of unanswered questions, about what they'd done together, and Faith still wanted to know, no matter how much the truth hurt. But even through that, through the hurt and anger that hadn't left yet, she had this urge to try and make Sam feel better somehow.

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