John Winchester (daddywinchester) wrote in parabolical, @ 2009-03-26 21:34:00 |
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John had lived through a lot of strange, odd or dangerous things in his life, but being stuck singing everything he wanted to speak was definitely new. He'd decided from the outset that he didn't like one damned bit of it, but for now, if he wanted to communicate, he'd have to deal with it. At least with Dean, he wasn't crippled by having to sing, the way to approach all of this and not understanding anything about this son. It was only the first two. Reaching Dean's bedroom door, he knocked, then cleared his throat for the inevitable song. "Can we talk for a minute? Son, I want to know your game." [©] Dean Winchester loved music. He loved classic rock, he loved the throbbing guitar solos and loud lead singers...but all of LA being forced to sing was definitely something he could do without. Though he wasn't self conscious by any means, he preferred to voice his thoughts rather than sing them, especially when he was pissed off or frustrated as he was now. Still, his Dad had evidently caught on to the fact that Dean was having a mini-tantrum in his room, and he was looking for a response. Damned if Dean was just going to sit there and ignore him. He tried (and failed) to make his throat work well enough for the simple words of "Come in" to come out, but it just wasn't working. Voice quiet, he began to sing instead. "Well there's a light in her eye that keeps shining Like a star that can't wait for the night I hate to think I've been blinded baby Why can't I see her tonight? And the warmth of her smile starts a-burnin' And the thrill of her touch gives me fright And I'm shaking so much, really yearning Why doesn't she show up, make it all right?" [©] Hand on the doorknob, John paused when he heard Dean start, then pushed the door open and moved to stand just inside, closing the door behind him. It was, in ways, things he'd already guessed about what was going on with Dean and Claire, yet surprise too, to know that Claire moving a few minutes away was getting to Dean this bad. Question was, why were these two hiding all of this, to the point Dean was trying, and failing, to pretend everything was fine? "Why the sudden changes, Why all of the lies? I should have seen it in your eyes." [©] Dean sighed. It was one thing to try to explain to his Dad why he hid this when he could speak, but another thing entirely to sing about it. "You can't always get what you want You can't always get what you want..." [©] Dean repeated the words over and over again. And that was what it all came down to. Dean couldn't get what he wanted while Claire got what she needed...and he had to admit that she needed to have a place of her own right now. She had never had that for long, and she deserved to be someplace where it could stick. Without thinking about it, the lyrics shifted. "It seems that all the friends I've got Just got to come interrogate me I appreciate your feelings And I don't want to pass you by But I don't ask you 'bout your business Don't ask me about mine." [©] Railroaded again by a son who didn't want to talk about something he obviously wanted, but wasn't doing anything to get it and be happy, so far as John could see it. What Dean was singing, it could pretty much be the damned anthem of the men in the Winchester family. But it didn't always mean it was the final word. It was clear by the minute that there was something between Dean and Claire, and while John could think of a handful of things that might be reasons they were keeping quiet, from Dean's past record to Ben to issues of Claire's, it clearly wasn't making them happy in having to be apart to cover for it. With an expression that said he wasn't buying it, John pressed on. "All alone, in your room with your radio, No one to hold you, she would never let you go. You're a man with a gun in your hand, Waging a war between good and evil can be a bore. If you don't take time, it's not nice, So here's my advice: Take your love off the run, And son, let her be the one." [©] Dean shrugged. His father wanted him to go to Claire, to have some freaking Oprah moment and confess what was going on, but what was he supposed to say? That he hurt in a decidedly un-Dean Winchester way when he thought about her going? He was supposed to be ok with this, he was supposed to be the one who didn't care when relationships ended, but here he was wondering how her moving back to her house was going to effect the friends with benefits thing they had going on. Oddly enough, it wasn't even the 'benefits' that he was most worried about. "Have you ever needed someone so bad, yeah Have you ever wanted someone You just couldn't have Did you ever try so hard That your world just fell apart Have you ever needed someone so bad Dad, she's the girl I gotta have." [©] Moving forward, with more choreography and flourish than John felt comfortable with, but couldn't seem to entirely control, he pulled Dean out of the chair at his desk and put both hands on his son's shoulders. There was something there that John recognized, and it wasn't just lovesickness. He'd seen that on Dean's face over the years, falling for a girl who didn't fall back, leaving a little piece of himself somewhere he could have made more of if only they'd lingered. No, what John saw was the thing he'd seen in his own mirror in his youth, that feeling of falling for Mary, of knowing she was the one for him - the only one, ever, the one that made ever girl in his past pale in memory compared to her. But it had been some time before John had been able to push himself to move beyond friendship, a long time before he'd been able to believe he was good enough for her. Before that point, he hadn't thought he could have her. So yes, he did understand. "I was born in Kansas, Had a childhood sweetheart, We were always hand in hand. I was hightop shoes and shirt tails, Mary was in pig tails, I know I loved her even then. You know her papa disapproved it, And others boohooed it, But I told them time and time again, "Don't you know I was made to love her, Built a world all around her". She's been my inspiration, Showed appreciation For the love I gave her through the years. Like a sweet magnolia tree My love blossmed tenderly, My life grew sweeter through the years. I know that my baby loves me, My baby needs me, That's why we made it through the years. I was made to love her, Worship and adore her, All through thick and thin Our love just won't end, 'Cause I love my baby, love my baby. My baby loves me, My baby needs me, And I know I ain't going nowhere. I was knee high to a chicken When that love bug bit me, I had the fever with each passing year. Oh, even if the mountain tumbles, If this whole world crumbles, By her side I'll still be standing there. 'Cause I was made to love her, I was made to live for her. I was made to love her, Built my world all around her." [©] At the end of it, John frowned a bit, but it was directed at himself and not the 'conversation'. This damned dancing really was too much. But even recognizing what he was seeing in Dean, even telling his son he understood, he could also see Dean wasn't ready to admit how deep the feelings went and likely wouldn't see all the similarities right now that he and Mary had been seeing. After it sunk it, though, John felt relatively sure Dean finally would. One of the things Dean had always appreciated was the very perfect relationship his Dad and Mom seemed to have. It was like they were made for each other from the start. Even when Dean was little enough to still think his Dad was invincible, he could recognize on some level that what his Dad and Mom had was very special. But he wasn't his Dad. He wasn't some soldier that made it through war, then came home to propose, he was a man famous for one night stands and a love-em and leave-em attitude. There was no childhood sweetheart for him because he had never stayed in one place long enough to find one that would stick. But Claire wasn't just one of his one night stands either. He needed her more than he liked to admit, and was already way too emotional about the thought of her moving just a few minutes away. What was going on? "Now I'm not saying I'm in love I'd admit it if I was I'm just saying I believe Claire's beginning to get to me The way I need her all time The way she holds this--" [©] He cut himself off hastily. What the hell was he about to say? Heart of mine? Come on, Winchester, what the fuck? Country? Uuuuugh. Biting back amusement at the sudden country-like tangent, as John decided they could just have a silent agreement never to speak about most of the singing and dancing again, even though they'd likely talk about this topic again, he settled for just nodding at first. Of course he wasn't saying he was in love - John guessed that would take a hell of a lot more than just Claire deciding to sleep at her own house at night to get his son to wake up to the truth of what was going on inside him. Denial could be helpful, and it could be hurtful. He and Mary would just have to make sure that the denial didn't take them too far apart, that Dean and Claire would come to understand, because in this place, avoiding too long meant risking losing something before one even got it. John certainly knew that better than most. "She can't stop you walking in the rain But she might want to see your face someday And you can't keep her from her little world But you might want her someday for your girl Keep your head and stop it spinning round Keep your eyes wide open and you'll see her Alone at night you count the stars above Alone at night you're praying for her love You can love her. You can't take her everywhere she goes Cause the world's too complicated and you know that She can't help the things you've learned before Like how you hurt and who you've known And you can't stop the tears she's saved for years But you can hold her, you can make her understand Just last night you saw her as an angel Just last night she saw you as a man You can love her." [©] With a tap to Dean's head that clearly said 'think about it', John let go of Dean and headed toward the door. Dean listened to his father's words carefully, and damned if there wasn't too much truth there. His Dad did have a point, even if he kept dropping the 'L' word entirely too often for Dean's comfort. But Dean couldn't say anything (not just because of the inability to speak without music, but because he was afraid what would come out if he did.) The last thing he wanted to do was to start singing some country song again. She was the one to hold me The night The sky fell down And what was I thinking when The world didn't end Why didn't I know what I know now? [©] Oh great, Dean thought, now I've got boyband lyrics running through my head. He focused on the sarcasm to keep from actually singing them aloud, or revealing anything else to his too damned perceptive father. Instead he just nodded, letting his look thank his father for him, since he couldn't think about the right words, unless... "Thank you for the talk, Dad. Thank you for the talk, Dad. Thank you for the talk, old maaaaan. Thank you for the talk, Dad." [©] Nearly to the door, John turned back, valiantly saluted with a near-serious expression in response to the thanks, and then exited the room. It was as the door shut that the sound of John's low, deep laughter filtered back into the room. So maybe some parts of this whole fiasco were a little funny. |
Mary ran her rag once more over the coffee table, then stood up with an appreciative look at it. Claire really had ended up with some nice things for her house, and Mary felt, at least in part, responsible for it. After looking through countless thrift stores, estate sales and resale shops, the house had come together nicely. Once she wasn't occupied with the dusting anymore, she stole a glance at Claire, who was just across the room. Mary was going to miss her when Claire was back in her own place, miss Claire's personality, her laughter, her womanly comraderie...but Mary also knew that as much as she and John were going to miss Claire not living with them anymore, Dean was going to somehow miss her much more. Which was really why Mary had suggested they come here today to air out some of the rooms that hadn't been used in a while. This way, they could escape the Winchester house and Dean's sulking, and also get Claire's home back in order. "Secrets are no good I know your secrets I know who you're really with You may have said nothing But I saw something different Why all the secrets You could of told me who you're really with Cause girl you know I'll find out. Don't even try to hide this." [©] Looking up, Claire's eyes widened, a denial already trying to form in her mind. It hadn't even been three weeks yet that she and Dean had been having sex, they weren't ready to publicize something like that. It wasn't all that traditional, even if it was likely common to some people, and the people in their families all tended to be the traditional sort of date-and-marry types. Claire still wasn't certain anyone would understand their personal choices, that they would judge it, especially when even a demon was trying to make the sex into something more than it was, as though people needed it to be. And honestly, she and Dean might never be ready to publicize it because of that, and if it ended soon. If, not when, because he'd used if and she still didn't know what he'd meant by the 'if'. But Claire couldn't look Mary in the eyes and lie, not even in song. But everything about her posture radiated stubbornness, as though challenging someone to judge her or Dean for their choice. They were adults and if they wanted best friends with benefits, it was their choice. "I've been caught in a lie I can't deny it So let the war begin We're far from innocent Hell, I just don't know where it will end." [©] While the beginning had started with that same stubborn air, the last line was sing with something less, an air of uncertainty that was only contrasted further by the switch in tone. Mary could see when Claire's stubborn air crumbled a bit, and she felt her own heart pause sympathetically. Dean didn't exactly have the best track record with women or talking things through, so it was natural that Claire was a little uncertain as to where she stood. On the other hand, Mary could see that Dean was clearly more upset with the move than he should be if this were just about sex, so something more was going on. Clearing her throat, she began to sing. "If the sun went down tomorrow and it never came back And the city went quiet and we all fade to black Well I won't have a single regret And I wouldn't trade a thing Cause I never knew I could feel what I feel inside of me Better to have loved than never loved at all Better to have dreamed than never taken the fall Better to have loved him and let him in than never to have touched his Better to have hurt and screamed and cried Fall into the earth for a trip to the sky Better to have loved him." [©] In the end, none of them were guaranteed another day in this city, and she didn't want Claire to lose out on this and wind up regretting it. Even as Mary sang, Claire already knew what the other woman was trying to say. But it wasn't the same. Dean wasn't a husband she had lost in her own timeline, gotten back and then had to convince he was still a good enough man to be loved. Dean was something different, something Claire couldn't compare to any other man she'd known, any relationship she'd had or any relationship she'd thought she might have. He was a man of contrasts, that cocky, never serious ladies' man exterior hiding someone with depth and insecurities and needs that were so simple, yet had been so hard to achieve in his life. He had a history that would have broken a lesser man, but hadn't truly broken him as a human being, yet he never seemed to realize that. Lost in those thoughts, the song started without Claire really intending it to do so, Claire moving around the room straightening furniture and occasionally sitting on or leaning over it in some sort of dance. "He drowns in his dreams An exquisite extreme I know He's as damned as he seems And more heaven than a heart could hold. And if I try to save him My whole world could cave in It just ain't right." Mary had to know that Dean wasn't ready for a relationship right now, even if he could someday be ready for something like that with her. He'd let Jo go, and while Claire knew there was more to it, including Dean loving her, but just not being able to be in love with her, one of his biggest reasons was what was going on with him and his Hell memories. Killing Alastair hadn't magically fixed everything, as the nightmares still came, even if not as much when they fell asleep in the same place, and he still had an uphill climb to begging to feel and believe he wasn't a monster. "Oh and I don't know I don't know what he's after But he's so beautiful Such a beautiful disaster And if I could hold on Through the tears and the laughter Would it be beautiful? Or just a beautiful disaster?" It was sex. That was what she and Dean had agreed it would be, sex with no commitments, best friends with benefits. They already loved each other as best friends, so she'd been so certain that that meant there was no 'more' there to find in regards to feelings. Even now, she couldn't admit that there was a 'more' to be found, that in love could be any kind of possibility, but she had begun to accept over the last few weeks that she wanted some kind of relationship with him. Something that wasn't just sex. But she'd known that wasn't what he wanted - at least, she'd been sure he'd never want it, that he would move on soon, and then he'd acted like this about her moving back home and thrown that 'if' out there, as though he thought them stopping sex eventually wasn't a guarantee. "He's magic and myth As strong as what I believe A tragedy with more damage than a soul should see And do I try to change him? So hard not to claim him Hold on tight." Dean was the ladies man, the playboy, the guy with a string of one-night stands. Could he be different? She had seen how he had grown with Ben, from the guy who thought he couldn't be a dad to the guy who turned out to be a natural at it, she'd seen how much Dean wanted to balance a 'normal' life with the duties of the 'not normal' life, and how much he thrived on having family around. But who was she to think she could make him something different in this respect? "Oh 'cause I don't know I don't know what he's after But he's so beautiful He's such a beautiful disaster And if I could hold on Through the tears and the laughter Would it be beautiful? Or just a beautiful disaster? He's soft to the touch But frayed at the end he breaks He's never enough And still he's more than I can take." Was she even enough for him? She knew, if she were selfish and compared herself to those he'd admitted to loving in his past, like Cassie and Jo, that she could claim she and Dean had far more together, because not only did they know the whole truth about each other, and accept all that came with it, they also had this amazingly solid foundation of friendship that nothing had shaken - not fighting, not disagreeing about her not being the girl who happily sat at home when danger was out there, not suffering through pain, not having sex - and just continued to reach new connections every day. But was it still enough to be more? "Oh 'cause I don't know I don't know what he's after But he's so beautiful Such a beautiful disaster And if I could hold on Through the tears and the laughter Would it be beautiful? Or just a beautiful disaster? He's beautiful Such a beautiful disaster." [©] As the last notes hung in the air, Claire dropped to the chair in the living room, head in her hands. It had been more than she'd planned to say and even now, she didn't know how Dean was going to react to his mother knowing. If Mary knew, it had to mean John was on to them as well. Had John already talked to Dean? Was that why Dean was behaving like he was, because of something John had said? Poor girl, Mary thought. Claire was only just beginning to see how much she felt for Dean, and she had no sort of guarantee that such feelings would even be welcome, let alone reciprocated. It was easy for Mary and John to figure Dean out, after all, he was their son and they were used to decoding his non-verbal action. Besides, Dean was a lot like his father, and that gave Mary added insight. However, Claire was in a very difficult situation. She was so used to being his best friend-- or worse, Mary thought with a mental cringe, his friend with benefits-- and so used to Dean being a notorious ladies man, that she couldn't see the facts right in front of her. Dean Winchester was falling in love with her. Sighing softly, Mary went to Claire, wrapping an arm around Claire's hunched shoulders and gave her a one armed hug. Voice low and reassuring, she started singing. "It's amazing how they can speak right to your heart Without saying a word they can light up the dark Try as I may I could never explain What you'll hear when they don't say a thing The smile on his face lets you know that he needs you There's a truth in his eyes saying he'll never leave you The touch of his hand says he'll catch you whenever you fall He says it best when he says nothing at all." [©] Try as she might to deny it, Claire couldn't help the way her heart jumped hopefully at what Mary was saying, but in the same breath, she could still find ways to explain most of Dean's actions as 'best friends' and things he would do for anyone he cared so much about. This close to the situation, without any objectivity, Claire could only see that others kept reading far more into everything than there was. "Hands touch, eyes meet Sudden silence, sudden heat Hearts leap in a giddy whirl He could be that boy But I'm not that girl." It was only singing in the barest sense, because it was delivered in no more than a whisper, Claire's head still in her hands. She'd had so much given to her in her life, only to have it taken away, and while she could survive more of the same in some ways, she knew she wouldn't weather having her hopes raised and then crushed. "Don't dream too far Don't lose sight of who you are Don't remember that rush of joy He could be that boy I'm not that girl Ev'ry so often we long to steal To the land of what-might-have-been But that doesn't soften the ache we feel When reality sets back in." It wasn't fair to her to allow herself to have that kind of hope, to let her mind wander to what more she and Dean could be together if everything Mary was saying was true. Right now, she wasn't even certain where she and Dean stood, with the way he was treating her moving out. For her, it was just the same as before, but he didn't seem to see it like that. Even Jo had lived away from the Winchester house, despite sharing a room openly at the house, and Claire could never remember Dean having any sort of problem with Jo spending the night at her own apartment over the bar. But it wasn't even an accurate comparison, as Jo had been his girlfriend, who he'd loved. What she and Dean had was very different, just as she and Jo were very different. "Blithe smile, lithe limb She who's winsome, she won him Gold hair with a gentle curl That's the girl he chose And Heaven knows I'm not that girl Don't wish, don't start Wishing only wounds the heart I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl There's a girl I know He loved her so I'm not that girl." [©] Though Claire wasn't her daughter, and had both an adoptive and biological family to care for her, there were times, such as now, that Mary wanted nothing more than to treat her as one of her own children and start mothering her. Right now, she figured Claire needed both a good smack on the side of the head for thinking that she was something less than Dean's other relationships, as well as a good strong hug. Then again, Mary thought, perhaps that wasn't how you were supposed to mother girls. She really didn't have much experience there. Mary wasn't sure who was going to take the first step in the relationship she was certain was supposed to happen between Claire and Dean. Dean was too busy being oblivious and avoiding any chance at having a logical talk, and Claire didn't think that Dean would really fall for her. If only she could see what Mary saw... "Start a new fashion, wear your heart on your sleeve Sometimes you reach what's real just by making believe Unafraid, unashamed There is joy to be claimed in this world You even might wind up being glad to be you Ever ever after Though the world will tell you it's not smart Ever ever after The world can be yours if you let your heart Believe in ever after." [©] Mary made it sound so easy, but it didn't feel that way to Claire. To be the one to say anything would make it look like she hadn't meant what she'd told him originally, that this didn't have to be complicated or a commitment. She had meant that, she hadn't intended to start seeing or feeling anything that could make this more than just sex, and not just for him but because of her own personal reservations. Those reservations had gotten harder and harder to argue, however, as the weeks went on and Claire knew what it was like to know Dean on an entirely new level. But talking about this, being the one to bring it up, meant taking the chance at losing him if everyone was wrong about what they were saying and she wasn't ready to take that risk. "So afraid of living out my life Taking time, I've got to think about it I know what's mine is slipping through my hands I can't stand, no, to have to think about it Maybe I'm aching for something, waiting for something Don't want to compromise Sometimes I think I don't need it, no You think I'm afraid but I want to be wanted Take some time, I gotta think about it." [©] Leaning in, she hugged Mary tightly in thanks. Even if Claire couldn't just run out and act on all of this, the other woman's advice was invaluable and, more, the familial feeling shared was something Claire treasured. She then stood and went back to the dusting, clearly done with the subject for right now. Mary watched Claire with a warm look. Mary was smart enough to know when there was nothing else she could do. No, Dean and Claire were the only ones who could fix this, and all she and John could do was offer advise and support. That, Mary was determined, they would have plenty of. She went to Claire, and briefly rested a hand on her shoulder before going to the kitchen to check on food supplies. Claire may not be living with the Winchesters anymore, but Mary would make sure that she still had all of the good food that came with living with the family. |
That evening, John met Mary in their bedroom with a look that was both questioning and knowing. To keep their slightly meddlesome poking of Dean and Claire under wraps for now, they'd agreed to not discuss it right when Mary came home, but to act natural - or as natural as anyone could while singing about even the most mundane things like trying to find the remote. Even as he waited for Mary to 'say' something, John was relatively certain he knew the answer she was going to give. He still had questions, like why Claire felt the need to go back to her own house, but the biggest question was one that was already answered. Mary could all but tell how John's talk had gone from that knowing look. She felt a small sense of relief, because though she thought she knew her son well enough to sense that his intentions were noble with Claire (even if he didn't realize it yet). However, confirmation from John was always a welcome relief, because she was only just getting to know her grown up boys. Some things had remained from their youngest days, but there were many pieces of her boys that were foreign entirely to Mary. "I believe our children are our future Teach them well and let them lead the way Show them all the beauty they possess inside Give them a sense of pride to make it easier." [©] Mary paused, going to hug John tightly. She was not foolish enough to think that Dean and Claire were her and John all over again, because there were many, MANY differences there, but she could see the sort of great, life changing love building for them that she and John enjoyed, and it made her happy. She pressed a kiss against his chest, and began singing again, voice much softer than before. "Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be." The truth was, it really did remind John of himself and Mary, not them as individuals entirely - though he recognized how much Dean was like him, and he'd seen Mary-like things in Claire before - but in that they were on the way to finding love built on very close friendship. The foundation for everything that was a relationship was forged in those months when the two were getting closer as people, connecting them, so that 'commitment' was only a short step away, rather than the huge leap it usually felt like. John would always feel certain that, while other ways worked for other people, he and his sons needed that foundation to truly commit themselves, and not only that, they also tended to end up not seeing what was right in front of their faces, then needed that aspect of working for it once they did see it to solidify it all. "With her he'll never wonder," he sang, kissing the top of her head before he pulled her toward the small sofa in their bedroom, thankfully not gripped by the insane urge to dance, as there had been many things he'd do in this because he had to, but the dancing was the one he'd fight the whole way. "Will she be there for him." [©] It was what both his sons deserved, a woman who they'd never have to doubt being there, that even through the worst of what the world threw at them, the normal relationship ups and downs, there would be that one constant. After a life without constants, his sons needed that. Mary went with him to the sofa, and sank down against him with a soft sigh. Her boys would be lucky to find love like this, she thought contentedly, and any woman would be lucky to have them. The trick was, of course, finding the right woman, but that was the way it always was with love. John was right. In Claire, Dean had a woman strong enough to be at his side, to put up with him when he was being ridiculous and set him straight. In Dean, Claire had a man who clearly cared about her despite the abilities that would make some label her uncharitably. Dean had been a rock for her, protecting her even though sometimes that made them fight, and she had been a rock for him, offering Dean strength even when she had little to give herself. "With him she'll never wonder If he's the right one for her." Mary's voice got softer, and had a definite hopeful edge to it as she lowered her head to his chest. She heard the low rumble of John's voice in his chest as they sang the last part together. "They've finally found a love of a lifetime A love to last their whole lives through They've finally found a love of a lifetime Forever in their hearts They've finally found a love of a lifetime." |