Padmé Amidala (ex_senator18) wrote in parabolical, @ 2008-04-24 23:37:00 |
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Entry tags: | anakin skywalker, padmé amidala |
Who: Anakin Skywalker and Padmé Amidala
What: Another meeting between husband and wife.
When: Early evening; around 7PM
Where: Padmé’s hotel room.
Rating: Totally kid-friendly.
Status: COMPLETE
Notes: This scene was written via email.
It had taken a few days for the owner of the hotel to fix the windows in Padmé’s room, thanks to the ‘freak gust of wind’ that destroyed them. During that time she had stayed in a spare room with only a handful of her belongings. She had spent most of her time in that room, too, occasionally logging onto the computer to scan the message boards, and keeping a close eye on the local news on the television for any sign of the damage Vader was likely to begin causing. To her mild surprise, however, there hadn’t been anything to date.
When her room was once again ready to move back into, she had decided the first thing she needed to do was go to the store. What few groceries she’d had in the small refrigerator had either spoiled or were consumed, and she was frankly sick of the ‘takeout food’ that this city had to offer. So she’d headed off to the corner market and had spent an hour or so gathering some items and chatting with the young girl who was working there while trying to save money for college.
Coming out of the market is when she noticed the billboard across the street. For a moment, all she could do was stare in abject horror, the groceries in her arms almost dropped as she felt the color drain from her face. She had known they were nothing more than fictional characters in this world. She had realized that there were movies based upon the story of Anakin Skywalker. However to see such proof displayed in such a manner was nearly enough to cause her to be ill.
Still, Padmé wasn’t one for making a scene in public. So rather than begin crying, screaming, or fall upon the sidewalk and into the blessed escape of unconsciousness, she instead drew in a steadying breath and continued down the sidewalk in the direction of her hotel room. She had just reached the door and was struggling with balancing the bag of food and opening the door at the same time, when she realized someone was standing behind her. Without even looking, she knew who it was and instantly her back stiffened and a weary sigh escaped her lips.
“I’m fairly sure I told you to leave me alone, Vader,” she said quietly, practically spitting out his accursed chosen name. There was steel to her voice, a hard quality that was rarely ever used and certainly not on the man she had wanted to spend the rest of her life with. She continued to struggle with the card to her room and bag of groceries, growing a bit more frustrated with each passing second. Today, it seems, was just not her day.
This time, it was the name of the Sith that made him flinch. He could sense distress in her, and anger. Frustration. Something else, that was close to hate, but not quite there yet. He never had believed Padmé had the ability to hate. Perhaps it was he... no, perhaps it was Vader who was bringing it out.
He couldn't let her send him away. Not without trying. Not without explaining.
"Anakin," he said softly, using the Force to steady the bag of groceries in her arms and hold it still. "Please, Padmé. I'm trying. I can't lose you again."
The card at long last slid into place and Padmé shoved the door open and stepped inside, placing the bag on the nearby table before slowly turning to look at him. One hand rested on the door and part of her wanted to simply close it in his face. She didn’t hate him – she could never hate him – but she was so angry and hurt that it was hard to remember that fact sometimes.
She didn’t close the door, though. Instead she simply shook her head, refusing to even acknowledge the tiny spark of hope inside of her that flared to life when he used his given name. Then in a weary tone that was still hardened but not quite as bitter, she replied quietly, “If we must talk, come inside. I don’t want my neighbors being aware of my personal business.”
Stepping aside to allow him entry, she added, “No more than they already are, that is.” Her mind flickered back to the billboard and wondered just how many posters of the same image were currently plastered around town. How many people would be waiting to see the terrible fall of her husband in the theatre? How many… forcing her mind away from that dangerous path of frustration (she already had more than enough to deal with as it was) she instead re-focused on Anakin and tried her best to remain patient while he said whatever he had to say.
Anakin followed her inside, sure to keep his distance. He didn't dare approach her while she was in this state - nor while he in his. For the moment, he was Anakin. But Vader was lingering, just under his skin. With the intensity of Padmé's emotions, it was difficult to keep his own in check.
"It wasn't me speaking the words, but they were true. I love you, Padmé. I have never loved anyone but you, until I discovered Luke. And Leia..." He dropped his head. "I was a fool to do such a thing to her. And to you. I thought... if only you could have one of your children returned to you, that you could be pleased. That this pain would not linger so heavily upon you. I swear by the Force, that was my intent. Had I known how it would affect her, and you, I would not have spoken to her."
His words… surprised her. It wasn’t what he said, necessarily – Vader, too, was capable of saying such things were he to put his mind to it, she was certain – but rather the tone that he used. The emotion behind the words. That spoke to her far more than anything else ever could.
Still, Padmé refused to allow herself to feel any more hope than she already was feeling. He had said he was trying, not that he had returned to the Light Side. She couldn’t allow herself to think he was, when clearly the internal struggle he was facing had yet to be won.
“Neither of my children are mine to have,” she at long last spoke, the anger giving way to a more even tone. “I lost them a very long time ago.” Her voice held no contempt for him for that fact. It was simply the way it was. Besides the fact that she knew his anger hadn’t killed her. Not directly, at least. It had been her own inability to deal with the loss, the heartache and pain, that had led to her death. His actions had helped cement that fact, true, but they weren’t the direct cause of her demise. No, she had allowed that to happen all on her own.
Wanting to look anywhere besides him, she turned her attention to the bag of groceries and began to pull them from the bag and place them in the small refrigerator. Her movements were automatic as her mind struggled with something to say. There was a time when conversation with him came easily, a time when there wasn’t even a need for words but to simply exist alongside him in the moment. Apparently that had changed, now, along with so many other things. She wasn’t certain it would ever go back to the way it was, either, and that hurt. Perhaps most of all.
“They have signs up, now, you know,” she spoke as she worked on putting away the food she’d purchased. Glancing back at Anakin, her expression unreadable, she elaborated, “I’ve little doubt those who don’t already recognize you soon will.” It was a pointless statement, really, but it was easier to talk about nothing of very much importance than ask the questions that she desperately wanted to ask. You couldn’t get your hopes too high, that way.
No matter how much Padmé could release him from the responsibility of her death, Anakin - nor could Vader, even - ever release himself. She may have given up, but it was his actions that caused her to do so.
"I'm sorry, Padmé."
He couldn't tell her in any clearer terms. For the moment, he was Anakin, and he was trying to stay this way. But the battle was not over. He didn't think he could win it alone. Vader was too strong. He had been a shadow in Anakin's mind long before that oath was given to Palpatine. Perhaps his shadow would linger forever. There were too many unknown variables for Anakin to put his faith in the Prophecy.
But he knew one place he could put it. One place he trusted, more than any other. And that was with Padmé.
"I... I cannot stay long. I have much to do before I can ask that of you. Much to prove. But, Padmé..." He longed to hold her, to feel the warmth of her skin against his hand, his lips. To take in the scent of her hair. "I swear to you. I would rather die than let him hurt you again. You, or any of our line." Reluctantly, he sighed, adding. "Even that pirate, Solo. Since he just had to worm his way in."
She nodded, not replying to the apology. That was a discussion for another time, and likely one they would never agree upon. So instead she stayed silent and waited for him to continue. When he did, she felt that hope within her swell a bit more.
“He makes her happy. What more could we possibly ask for?” she mused, a hint of a smile flickering across her face. She was still conflicted, still wary, and still convinced that this was all likely going to come crashing down around her at any given time. However, she loved him – completely and wholly – and it was that love that allowed her to offer a brief reprieve from her anger.
Her steps were soft, barely audible as she covered the distance between them. Slowly she reached out, gently cupping his cheek with one hand as she offered him a watery sort of smile. “I know there is still good in you, Ani. Our children realized as much, as did theirs, I’m certain. You just need to remember that as well, I think.” Withdrawing her hand, she allowed that small smile to grow ever so slightly.
“I do love you,” she finally added. “All my life, I’ve never loved another.” Her eyes shone with sorrow for the life they may never have together, before she pushed that aside and allowed herself to at least enjoy this moment. “So do what you must and know that I’m still here. Always.”
It took a lot for her to say those words, especially when she wasn’t certain she could actually hold true to them. But for him, she would try her hardest. Provided he put forth the same effort, it was the least she could do.
"Someone without a criminal record? Who doesn't go off annoying gangsters so that bounty hunters all across the galaxy are trying to claim the price on his head?" He might have said more, but then her hand was upon his skin, and Anakin squeezed his eyes shut, leaning into the feeling, holding his breath as though it might stop time, to make this moment last forever.
Her hope became his hope. There is still good in you. Luke had spoken those words to him before. Luke had saved him with those words. He opened his eyes to look at her, the blue irises shimmering. He saw the moment of sorrow in her eyes, and lifted his own hand, resting his palm against her cheek, his thumb running under her eye, along the high bone of her cheek, to brush away phantom tears.
"I'll find a way to make it all up to you, Padmé. I don't know how, but I'll find a way. A way that we can be together." He let his hand settle against her face, closing his eyes to lock the moment into his memory. "I'll come back to you. I wish I could stay, but... I won't risk it until I'm sure. Not until it's only me coming back to you."
There were tears in her eyes, now, tears she refused to let fall even though it took all her will to keep them in check. “I understand,” she said; voice a near whisper, her own hand moving to gently cup his. Rising up on her toes she brushed her lips lightly against his in a hint of a kiss before pulling slowly – regretfully – away.
“Go, Ani,” she added in a tone that was a little more stable, even though part of her heart was breaking as she said the words. “And may the Force be with you.”
Anakin leaned his lips against her forehead, breathing in the scent of her hair. His fingers brushed again at her cheek, and he pressed a kiss against her, where his lips lay. "May the Force be with us both." Then, with regret, but a regret layered in hope, he withdrew from her, leaving before he could begin to hate himself for doing so.