[Edward Elric; NC-17] 29 - Shame Character/Series: Edward Elric; Fullmetal Alchemist (2003; Pandora's Universe) Rating: NC-17 Notes: Written for the 30screams theme #29 - Shame Title: 29 - Shame Author:yuuo Word Count: 740 Summary:It was a natural chemical reaction.
It was a natural chemical reaction. A process of the body on level with the need to eat, or sleep or rid oneself of wastes. One of the basic needs of the human body.
Edward understood that. He was more familiar with the peculiarities of the female body from his studies in his attempt to recreate his mother than he was his own male body, but he still understood that. It was basic. It was universal. Everyone needed that release the same.
Simple chemistry.
It still made him sick.
He tried to ignore his body's pleading as long as he could, refused to acknowledge it. He'd had more experience than he cared for with male sexuality. He wanted nothing to do with it. He knew more intimately that he had right to where the nerves were, what it felt and tasted like.
He wanted to leave that nightmare with the rest of them.
It wasn't until he'd find his hand drifting down across his abdomen as he hunched over his work of its own volition, wasn't until his thoughts would not focus on the arrays and equations or even something as simple and routine as cleaning his gun, until his thoughts had gone the way of distraction, drifted to fantasies that made him want to retch that he'd give in.
Anything to make the thoughts go away.
Anything to make the memories and the way his body responded and the images his mind came up with go away.
With a frustrated snarl the pencil snapped in his fist and he slammed it down, yanked off his coat and threw it against his suitcase in the corner. The suitcase wobbled and fell onto its side with a thump and he settled on the bed, kicking off his boots and struggling out of his pants, cursing and growling under his breath, like an animal fighting with an unwanted leash around its neck.
He bit down on the inside of his cheek until he tasted blood, kept biting, working open the sore that had long-since developed there as his flesh hand worked free his aching erection, shoving aside garments that were already uncomfortable from the pre-come that had gathered at the head.
Sex was a punishment. It was control, a control he didn't have over himself and he closed his eyes against the images and memories and fought back the thoughts and urge to see someone else suffer as he had, the need to take control back, and oh god, he hated himself, chewed the sore in his mouth until his thoughts had to focus on that more than the fire shooting up his nerves from his groin.
Pain never tamed his thoughts for long. His body was too accustomed to that, it was like a familiar old friend, a hateful lover that was never far, that his body embraced as much as it rejected it.
It never kept the thoughts away.
In fact, it just made them worse. His body fed on the flood of endorphins that mixed with the hormones and took his thoughts and reactions farther and farther away from his grasp until he could feel the frayed threads in his mind starting to snap, strained to the breaking point.
There was only one thing that could change the course of his thoughts, one thing and he hated himself for it every time he turned to it, clung to it and the guilt that came with it like a lifeline from the darkness and anger that he normally embraced as a protective cloak from the fear.
"Al-!"
His hatred and anger turned inward, attacked himself viciously as he let the desperate need to have his brother back pull his mind away from what he was doing and the twisted fantasies that it dredged up.
Guilty as charged. Convicted and sentenced.
His brother's name scraped at his throat and his broken voice as he came, muscles taut and tense and his whole body shuddering and his breath coming in strangled gasps. Silence fell over the room, fell over his mind in that brief lull as the chemicals slowly receded, released their grip on him.
He wanted to scream. Of all the releases a man could want, that was the one he was denied.