Sep. 14th, 2020


[info]keieeeye

A couple of months ago I went on this whole deep dive and realised that it's entirely possible I may be on the spectrum. I've considered before that some of my family might be but hadn't really thought about it myself, so even though I've largely decided it's not worth wrestling with the system enough to find out if it qualifies for a diagnosis or just has a lot of overlap, there has been a fair bit of processing going on.

On the good side, I've found I'm getting less frustrated at people at work. Like I've always been aware I don't necessarily think the same way as other people - for starters I have synesthesia and I pick up details very easily, plus I think very spatially - but somehow it's like some kind of... validation of that? I'm not sure, but I've found that I'm not expecting that people should be able to make the same leaps of logic that I do, or that they'll notice tiny details as important.

On the bad side... it's dredged up a lot of old RP stuff where people have targeted my characters or there's been excluding or whatever going on both ICly and OOCly where I've almost never understood *why*. And it sucks, and it's exhausting, and it solidifies the feeling that I'm the common denominator in it all. It feels like I'm never going to get away from either me or my characters or quite often both spending so much time being lonely and isolated and not knowing what they're doing wrong, and it's just... inevitable. So. I don't know. It doesn't make me too optimistic about things improving, really.

September 2009

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