TJ Hammond (hammond_tj) wrote in omega_reality, @ 2013-04-12 16:39:00 |
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Entry tags: | *complete, 2013 04, character: savannah monroe, character: thomas hammond, dead: nick green, dead: sheldon cooper |
RP: The Earthquake
Who: Savannah, TJ, Nick, and Sheldon
Where: Off of I 5
When: Thursday/Friday, April 11/12, 2013
Summary: the earthquake hits
( Never a dull moment - Part One )
The cigarette was already down to the filter and he stubbed it out against a rock, flicking it angrily away. "You know what's really funny? The fact that you seem to think because I don't respond well to your brand of friendship or don't try to be friends with everyone, I don't want friends. I have friends, I have people to be friendly with outside my family. And I have my family. I guess, if I'm going to be spending so much time with cops, I can say I have my team, too. And it's not even that I dislike everyone else. I just don't feel compelled to get close to all of them. Really, the only one I would say I disliked was you because of the things I've already mentioned. And, yeah, I can admit that maybe I misread some things. Jury's still out on others. But, the gregarious party boy who socializes with everyone? Yeah, I can do that. I'm good at that, actually. It's about the only thing I am good at. But, he's as much a mask as everything else. I like my privacy, I like not feeling as if I have to let everyone in just because they're there. And maybe I won't let everyone in at once...maybe not ever...but at least I know that those I do aren't just in it for what my family can do for them.
"And they know it's not just politics, which I could have very easily chosen to do with you, by the way. I could have actually pretended to be nice and to like you. But, your husband means something to Travis and he likes you, so I didn't pretend. You got to see the formality that I'm most comfortable with when I don't know someone well, instead of the fake playboy who makes friends with everyone. You got polite attempts to change the subject instead of pointed insults when it appeared you were attacking someone I do like. And I'm here answering your questions when I'd much rather be getting high so I don't have to think about the fact that while I'm stuck here with you, my twin is probably frantic because he always knows where I am and how to fix things and now he doesn't, or that my insanely noble boyfriend is probably risking his neck to help someone because that's what he does."
Savannah stepped closer, not caring about the cigarette and squeezed his hand. "Your insanely noble boyfriend will be fine, because Marty won't let anything happen to him. That I can promise you. Marty, Alexis, Tim, they are good at what they do and so is Travis. If you don't believe me, believe in their skill. They will be all right." Of everything that seemed to be the most important thing to her.
"TJ? What does that J stand for? Or if you don't want to talk about yourself, then we can talk about my research," she said with a softer smile. "Okay, never mind, there's no way we're talking about sex and not us," she added laughing.
"You know my mom tried to do what you say. She told me what a horrible person I am the few times we met, but it's not close to having done it all my life. I was already who I was. Not much she could say that would change my mind, even if it hurt." She stepped back. "You know knowledge isn't everything. Yes, I admit that I feel stupid when people say things that I don't understand, but that's not what makes me a good person or not. That's not what makes you a good man. It doesn't matter what they have accomplished. I'd take your grandmother over them any day of the week and she hasn't achieved what they have, but she's one heck of a woman."
She rubbed her back as she started to walk again. "I think you don't have many friends, because I know pretty much everyone here, and outside of your family and Tommy, you don't have many friends. You don't know many people enough to dislike them," she said, chuckling. "I told you already, though. I'm not going to push. I'll tell you when there are things and you come or not as you please... I mean you can join us or not as you please."
Savannah smiled. "You do understand that the invitations are because of your family, but not the one you were born into, but because of Travis. Maybe one day we'll be able to do it because we like each other and not because of the way our spouses feel toward each other. But if we can't do that, I do hope that you find peace with your past, because now that you are talking to me, I can hear the hurt. Not like other people, but it comes off as sarcasm or self deprecation. The newspapers print, people assume, the family says." She stepped closer and hugged him, careful to squeezed his left side before moving back. "As a mom, I can tell you that your parents can't be that smart if they don't put their son above all and can't appreciate him. I hope that with the life we have now, they understand what's important and it's not the degrees or job, but what's in here," she said, pressing her hand against his chest. "And Travis wouldn't be with someone who isn't a good person, and you wouldn't be helping a woman you don't like, no matter how well mannered you are. Sheldon's mom could have gone to school with mine, and I know she taught him manners, but if he were conscious, he'd pretend not to be." Which she suspected it might be the case. "I can give you other examples, but the bottom line is that you are helping me."
"Easy on the hugging there," he said, pulling away. "Just because I'm talking to you, it doesn't mean it's okay to get all touchy-feely."
TJ sighed and pulled out his pack. He'd reverted to a chain smoker almost as bad or worse than his mother in the last two months. "And the J is for James," he told her through teeth clenched around the cigarette as he lit it. His name wasn't talking about himself. That was public record as much as everything he did. It was what he felt that he wanted to keep to himself. Exhaling, he smirked. "Perhaps I should add tease to my list. Suggests talking about sex, then rescinds the offer, then tells me I can come. But, you don't know that I'm a good man. I could just be helping you because it benefits me to do so. I mean, your husband is my brother's partner and team lead. This could just be for brownie points."
And he was definitely not dwelling on the spouse part of what she said.Thinking along any lines other than doing things together in the present led to weird conversations with Travis that neither of them were ready to consider the implications of at all. "You're doing it again, you know. You think I don't have many friends because you know everyone?" Closing his eyes, he took a moment to inhale a lungful of nicotine. He held it a moment, then let it out slowly and opened his eyes. "You know, it's not even that I object to making friends, having friends, or even your family. All that stuff you said at the start about if I don't want to be a part of your family, it's not really the problem. What I object to is the expectation that I should want it or that I somehow owe loyalty to people here who made it fairly clear from the beginning that I and my family were more of an unwelcome burden on this team than a part of it. If you pay attention, you'll see that the people I like outside my family are the people who didn't expect loyalty or trust without earning it.
"Did you know Travis was assigned to watch me practically as soon as we arrived? That's how we started talking. First I was told I had no choice but to join this insane group of people for my own safety. Then I was put into training designed to teach my how to defend myself because I can't expect to have a security detail here, no matter who my father is. Of course, no amount of effort there is ever good enough. And to top it off, I'm too much of an addict and a screw-up to be trusted not to get someone else killed, so someone needed to be assigned to watch me...also for my own safety. Now, I was lucky and Travis saw something that made him have some faith in me; he showed me I could get clean for myself and backed me up when I tried to take control of my life back from my parents. But, the people in charge couldn't even do me the courtesy of treating me like any other new arrival. I needed a minder. Even my own family didn't believe I had anything to contribute when the move to New York was determined. No one but your husband seemed to even care when we left.
"Your idea that the rifts are the great equalizer is a nice one, but I don't think it's really true. People may not be more or less important in the ways they were at home. But, their past lives aren't erased. The things that made them who they are don't disappear. And they're only equal up to a point and that point being how quick they are to give their trust and loyalty to people who at best have offered them a shit choice between joining them or figuring out what the hell is going on by themselves. Those who have been around longer seem to think they're owed something by the newcomers because of the 'help' they give them. But, let's be honest, even those who have been given a choice aren't really given a choice. And the overall attitude is very much that unless you've been around as long as others, you haven't earned an opinion on anything."
"You had your fingers inside me and you're objecting to this?" she asked, chuckling, "But okay, no more hugging." At least for the night. She wouldn't promise for later, but for now, she stepped away as he smoked again.
Savannah shook her head, but she was smiling "I didn't say that can't talk about sex, just also about us. And where were you a year ago when I needed information about kinks?"
"On the campaign trail organizing a drunken party with the interns while Doug dealt with Mom's speech in some hotel with Dad looking on and coaching unnecessarily." TJ smirked, but it was more teasing than haughty this time. "Like any man pretending to be good would do."
She rolled her eyes. "Or maybe you're a good man. Again, I don't think Travis would be with someone who's not." Savannah shook her head. "And okay, I get it. Maybe it's because I didn't have a family and I can't imagine not having it, but you're never an unwelcome burden. We knew who you were before we came to pick you up. Dom briefed us. It's why Alexis and I were the one to approach your dad. I didn't know about Travis, but it's not surprising. Leon thinks ahead, always." She sighed. "I'm not sure this makes it better or worse, actually I'm pretty sure that it makes it worse, but I don't think it was about you, but your parents. If you're in danger, you put your parents in danger and they have too much knowledge. I mean I don't know if that's the reason, but it's a guess based on what we knew about them."
"Leon's job has never been to treat everyone equally. He never has. I spent most of my first month in and out of jail while Sam's kids went straight to the house. People he knew skipped training and were certified without classes. You're very right, if you're not here a long time, you haven't earned... anything. I don't think it's being owned, as much as I went through crap, why should your life be perfect. I know I felt that way with you and your brother. You were allowed to leave, take Travis with you, come back like it was nothing. We cart around a piano you won't play for anyone. Your brother got a wedding in Florida." She shrugged. "You see it as being treated worse. I see it as being treated better. The point is that resentment builds up and quickly with the things we go through, but being close together, being friends, it helps all around. It helps us see the other person's point of view." She ran her fingers through her hair, her ponytail loose and off center, leaving strands to fall in front of her face. "This is what we've always done, and they are all wrong for you, but you're one in a million, Thomas. It's not like we'll get some other son of a former president with drug problems. Best I can tell you is that I'll try to see things your way, but it won't always happen, and I hope you'll explain when I don't, because that's the only way I know how to learn."
TJ was quiet for a minute, thinking things over; then he nodded. "I can explain, if you'll listen without trying to start an argument. I may come from a family of lawyers, but I'm not an arguer if I can help it...another reason for not being rude if I don't have to be. But, I'm also not hypocritical enough to not explain when it's a trait I appreciate in others for the same reason.
"To give you that point of view...the piano? It's a form of therapy and the only truly safe coping mechanism I have. The drugs have been the way I deal with everything for too many years. I need to find new ways, but it's difficult to do on our training schedule. The piano is familiar and, like the cigarettes, playing helps with the cravings, gives me an outlet for the emotions that cause them, and keeps me from using. But, it's personal. That's why I won't play in public. I play for Doug and he will tell you that everything I'm feeling comes out in what I play...given what I've already said about not wanting to put my life out there for the world's consumption, you might understand why I wouldn't want to make that public." She didn't need to know about the arguments with his dad or the resentments there. But, that should be enough to satisfy her need to 'get' him.
Halfway through the second cigarette and he could feel the edge off the craving fading. So, he stubbed it out and stuck the half left back in the pack for later. "Dom briefed you." TJ snorted. "Well that explains a few things. But, no, I wasn't being watched because I could be in danger. I was being watched because they didn't want me doing something stupid to cause the danger. That's not the point, though. The point in bringing that up was that fingers can be pointed at my childhood and my parents, they can be blamed for the 'sarcasm and self deprecation' as you put it, but just being here where our family isn't as important doesn't change anything when the people here, people who know no more about me than whatever rumors one man read in the paper, treat me as just as much of a screw-up.
"I don't expect Vance to treat anyone equally. You were the one who said these rifts were the great equalizer. I'm saying they can't be because the only thing they do is strip away any importance one might have had in their old life. But, even then, no one starts out on equal footing with anyone else. All this about teamwork and family is great, but it's not real because the people who have been here longest and should know better are the ones making it the most difficult for people to integrate because no one feels welcome when they're greeted with that attitude of it sucked worse for me and if you don't suffer, you don't deserve respect. And, truthfully, it's not even about helping people anymore, if it ever really was. It's about a core group of people protecting themselves. People are given the choice to leave when it benefits the group and that choice is taken away for the same reason. That's why we weren't given a choice. It wasn't because anyone was that eager to help us. It was because our importance and the importance of our counterparts here made us dangerous to let loose on our own. It's the way decisions like this work." And was also part of the reason TJ had always sucked at politics. He wasn't that ruthless. He could be sharp and cutting in conversation, but he wasn't ruthless.
"The way you phrased that about our leaving with Travis, though, is exactly what I mean, about no one caring. It was Travis you didn't want to lose. It doesn't matter that we took an offer that was given to everyone, that someone else almost took as well, someone who was one of you in ways we never were. And it doesn't matter that we would have left without him, but he volunteered to come along to prove to me he could be trusted to have my back, which he was doing because he was assigned to me by the man making the offer." He wasn't going to mention that Travis wanted the friendship and not the assignment. He wasn't at all certain if that attitude would end up trouble for Travis and he wasn't going to tell someone with the ear of the people in charge. He knew better than that. "It matters that we 'took' Travis, someone who you actually wanted and saw a use for, away. And Travis was the only one anyone wanted back. Even though the door had been left open to us before we left, even though the whole point in leaving was so that we could become people that could be helpful instead of someone else to look after, no one wanted us to come back. They asked for Travis and put up with us because we came with him. And you know what? That's actually the perfect parallel. You needed help, you needed people who could help because you were down personnel. And while I may think we deserve some credit for coming to help even though it wasn't wanted, you can't understand how we've earned it. And that's exactly how new arrivals feel when they're given this help and told they owe this group their trust.
"I don't think it's as isolated to me as you do, either. Maybe the president's son part. But, this one-size fits all 'help' that comes with demands someone trust people here without any reason or question and never expect to get any trust or respect or any actual help in return happens every time someone new arrives and I have a very hard time believing I'm the only one who has a problem with it. Maybe I'm just the only one with enough support outside the established system that I'm not afraid of losing what little support might be offered by saying it out loud. Just because it's what you've always done, that doesn't mean it's the way it should be done or that it's the best way to get things done. It sounds more like self-interest than trust. But, I could be wrong. You could always ask the newer people, those who've come through in the last six months, what they think of things."
"How are we doing with..." He kind of waved his hand vaguely at her midsection and crotch. "...things."
Savannah shrugged unapologetic. "He was NCIS at home. It wasn't just the newspaper, but chatter in DC. I'm not saying that it's right or accurate, but we go with whatever information we have. We might not have the same value or impact, but I still think that personally, it does work as an equalizer. You're... you're the exception once again." She sighed. "You know, your family was the exception to plenty of things. We used to give choices, but we couldn't with your parents and you got sucked into it. It's not right or fair, but it's why he's makes the hard decisions and we try to make it better. Not always right."
She shook her head. "No, that's not it, though. You were given a choice and you took it. Back then, you didn't owe us anything, and I can understand why you left. Taking Travis with you not so much. I have no doubt that if Leon wanted to stop him, he would have, just like he did with Brian, which was my big problem with them. They were giving you special treatment. Now, I'd have a problem with you leaving not because of Travis, but because of you. The piano again might mean something to you personally, but they are letting you have it, still treating you different, and whether they do it because they think they will keep you quiet this way or because they think you're special, it doesn't matter, because it puts you apart from others, whether you like it or not, and you can say that it's fine, maybe it's what you want, but I think in the long run, it's detrimental to you. I mean look at Mike. He comes and he's put with Leon. That means trust, and I know it's because of his job at home, and I'm sure his reaction to us is different, because he was treated like he was one of them, but why shouldn't we treat you like one of us."
She threw her arms up in the air. "I don't even know if I'm arguing with you or for you, and I know you don't want me to, but I hate that people are put at a disadvantage, all people, even people I don't particularly like, but you're right, trust isn't easy, so here's a little trust." She stopped and looked at him; she took a deep breath. "My family is going to kill me for this, but you can't tell anyone, not even Travis. Only four people know about this and now you, but I don't know how it's going with things, because when pain gets worse, I stop feeling. I can't feel the weather, not really, not the way normal people do, I was walking around in a miniskirt in 20 degree weather in New York, which is why I didn't think about the heat, because it's never an issue for me. My molecular something is different in my body, and I can't feel the pain and I ... I heal faster, which is why you saw me doing somersaults with no problem. I... the contractions are feeling less painful, which I'm assuming means that we're getting closer. It's why you'll probably have to do the incision. If I can't feel the pain, I can't push as much. I'll keep my hand on my stomach, and I'll feel it tightening it, so I know to push. Next one, I think we should try."
"You don't kn..." TJ stared at her for a moment because if she didn't know how things were going, he certainly didn't. But, the rest of the explanation was...intriguing. Running a hand through his hair, he couldn't help chuckling darkly. "Where was that power two years ago when I needed it?" he asked, echoing her earlier, and equally rhetorical, inquiry.
"I got to tell you, I'm starting to really wish Maura was here. She'd understand what that meant and how to work around it safely." The more she told him, the more nervous about this TJ became. "It would probably damage those wishes you have for us to start being friends if I fuck this up," he added with a dry laugh. He was trying to remember some of the things Maura had explained about the potential in his own power when he'd asked her about it because he remembered something about pain and causing something similar to that high. But, he hadn't tried it, didn't remember the details, and was afraid to start experimenting now.
"And, trust me, this is more of a debate than an argument, even if it's confusing. There's no yelling or vindictive one-upmanship. But, you might have a point. I don't think it's so much about keeping me quiet, so much as getting me 'dealt with' in a way in which they really don't have to deal with me at all. There were a lot of things they could have chosen to do when my drug use was determined to be a problem. They could have had that doctor do a physical like the ones Maura did, check for medical reasons for the addiction. They could have had the profilers sit and talk with me, try some form of counseling. They could have created a training regime, some sort of physical therapy, to treat it. But, their solution was to give Travis the responsibility of making sure I didn't fuck up, high or not. It's what I mean about one-size-fits-all help, though. They have one idea of how this should work and if new arrivals can fit into that, great. If not, they're 'dealt' with what you consider special treatment. And whether or not they can fit is determined arbitrarily based on incomplete information before anyone's even brought here. I don't see anyone assigned to Tommy to make sure he stays clean. I don't see anyone taking away Brian's stash, even after that incident with the brownies."
TJ shrugged. "Honestly, I don't see where letting me keep the piano is all that special, even at that. We brought the piano, our own beds, our own very small dining set, the same basic kitchen equipment we left the school with, which was mostly your own extras thanks to your husband, and our personal items. That doesn't seem like 'carting around' so much extra for me. We only have a couch now because Vance said so. We were fine letting Dom take what had been in his and Jenna's house when we came back and we managed to live without one for the three months we were gone just fine. I think this is less about special treatment and more going back to the fact you like people to share, you don't like people staying behind walls. If I were willing to play publicly, you'd have less of a problem with it because then it wouldn't seem like it was my piano, but something for the group."
She shook her head. "You're not going to fuck it up. You will take that knife, you will cut an incision about half an inch just like this," she said, showing the direction and angle on her hand. "You'll do fine."
Savannah couldn't argue with the basic parts of what he was saying. "There aren't big on therapy and they are profilers, not psychologists, and I don't know what Maura did to convince Leon to have physicals. We never had them before, because physicals mean paperwork, labs, big no nos. It helped that we were on the island and she did or the testing. She would have never been allowed at the base, no matter what she said. But yes, they work on the basic idea that there are certain things that need to be done and we'll keep an eye on you to make sure that you don't screw up. I got put in jail, Abby was put in jail, you got Travis. Different people, different solutions." She smiled. "Trust me, there are people that keep an eye on Tommy and no one is taking Brian's stash, but I'm sure something happened. I don't know what or how, but there were repercussions. No one bothers with his stash, because Brian can work as well high as he does sober. Now, Brian tries to leave, which he has, and he's drugged and kept around." She sighed. "I guess my problem is that you got the 'nice' treatment compared to everyone else, and yes if you played, then it would belong to everyone, and I wouldn't mind as much. Still, it's a piano. It takes most of a truck. We've moved it around when we could have used that truck for something else. It was a concession. Just like that wedding in Florida was a concession."
She touched her stomach. "I think I'm going to sit down. My back hurts and this way, we can try on the next contraction."
TJ rolled his eyes as he moved to sit with her. "Half-inch incision. Sure, I can do that."
It would just be a lot less nerve wracking if it wasn't on a person. TJ might not be as nervous about blood the way Doug was, but cutting into a person was...not something he was looking forward to. He could wish Maura and Doug were there. Even if Maura made him make the incision, Doug would keep him steady.
"I didn't say there aren't people who keep an eye on him." TJ shook his head. "I said no one was assigned to him as a minder. But, okay, I can get that, compared to jail, I got the 'nice' treatment. Still, I'm pretty sure if Vance needed that space, he wouldn't have okayed the piano. He hasn't done anything so far that proves to me he cares about any one of us. His focus is the group. It's not hurting anyone for me to have it and it's helping me, which in turn makes me a better asset for the group. And the wedding wasn't much of a concession when everyone got to go and anyone could have renewed their vows. Besides, as I recall, Sean and Troy got a Disney World honeymoon that masqueraded as a 'vacation' for the rest of us right before we went out on our own. And I didn't see anyone else suggesting a better idea when Maura's allergy to lying became an issue. As usual, they didn't have to deal with it, so they let it happen."
Looking out across the treetops, watching stars in amounts he hadn't seen regularly since Grandpa Hammond's farm, he sighed. He stared at her a moment before speaking again. "Travis bought that piano almost as soon as we had a place. I didn't want to ask because I didn't want it to become about them catering to me. But, he could tell when I played the one in the lounge in our apartment complex that it was something I needed. These are...a quick fix." He patted the pocket with his cigarettes. "They help in the immediate, but they don't deal with the underlying issues. The music helps long term; it helps me deal with the emotions. I don't...I've never been able to deal with strong emotions at all. Travis and Doug are the only two who really understand what I feel like. It's hard to explain. Everything gets mixed up and it feels like suffocating. It's not...normal. And it's not this stupid world. I was like this before. It's why I got into drugs in the first place. They keep me from feeling so much. Playing music for myself lets me channel all of that crap and deal with it. It helps stop the need for the drugs long term because it's a way of working through the emotions that cause the cravings. The time we spent up here before moving to the trailer park...I was on that edge all the time, trying to keep everything under control enough the drugs wouldn't start looking even more attractive. Playing for others...it taints it. It's no longer about working through things, but putting on another show, adding to the things I'm trying to get out of my head. It's back to living in that bubble where everything personal is put out there for the world's criticism and instead of curbing the cravings, it makes them worse."
"It's semantics. Travis chose a way to do it, other people chose other ways. You're also wrong about the honeymoon. They set the wedding to coincide with the vacation. The vacation was happening anyway. She has a problem lying?" Savannah asked with a raised eyebrow but she wasn't going to betray Marty just to prove that she knew how much more of a special treatment that was. "Nevermind, you know what? I'm not upset with you about that, I'm upset with them, I'm upset with Leon and my husband for giving you and your family a better treatment, regardless of their motives were, because I've seen them give other people, people I consider friend, crap for pretty much the same behavior or even less worrisome."
She took a deep breath. "Look, the piano helps and that's great. In fact, if you explained like you are, then it makes perfect sense. I also understand why you wouldn't have told me in those emails, but I'm pretty sure that you didn't tell them that, did you? I guess I'm angry at them and it's easier to take it out on you than Leon or my husband, and I'm sorry about that. Maybe one day, playing with us won't feel strange, because that's what we're asking you to do. Not play for us, but with us. Until then, though, I'm glad you have Travis who's there to understand and help you."
"See, we can find some things to agree on. I'm glad I have Travis, too." TJ smiled before he shook his head. "It's not just semantics, though. There's a very definite difference between people voluntarily keeping an eye on a person and having another person actively assigned to watch them by the people in charge. The people keeping an eye on Tommy are doing it because they care. Travis was told it was his job to do it for me. Yes, he chose how to do that job, to take it further than necessary because that's the kind of guy he is. But, he still wasn't given a choice about doing it.
"But, it's politics. All of it is politics. Smaller scale than running a country, but the same concept. I guess what I'm saying is that there really isn't a reason to be mad at either of them, either. Everything changes. Even one-size-fits-all organizations. They have to change to fit the circumstances, the people they have to work with. In a way, it's similar to what you were saying about yourself. You change how you approach people, to make them like you and make them happy. That's what politics is, really. And it's what the people in charge of any group have to do when they can't control who is a part of that group. They have to adapt and change or see everything they're trying to accomplish collapse when people stop looking to them to lead.
"It's part of why I respect your husband. He doesn't take for granted that he's in charge and people will just follow. He tries to give back a little of what he's asking from the rest of us, like he has with Doug as his partner. He's asked after my recovery three or four times since we've been working together as a unit. Not overtly, not hounding me, just letting me know he's keeping an eye on things. And, no, I haven't told him in detail about the piano. But, he knows I feel better now that I can play it."
Savannah listened, and knew that she didn't agree, but she didn't know if she could explain. "Voluntarily is... not accurate. Oliver kept an eye on him, because they are friends, but G, Sean? They kept an eye on him, because they are his partners. I kept an eye on him because he's in my unit. Leon didn't have to tell us, because we know it's our responsibility. Travis was told... possibly because he was new. Leon plays the politics and we... we try to find some happiness while staying alive."
She smiled. "No one takes for granted that they are in charge, but Marty has a different style and he really likes you and your brother. G and Derek... they might be different in a lot of ways, but they both go for tough love, emphasis on tough." G would also know about the piano, but he'd never ask directly. He'd just know. She was about to elaborate when she felt her stomach tighten. They were getting closer. "Do the incision. Please."
"What partners? Only field units had partners..." TJ trailed off, forgetting all about politics -- which he sucked at, anyway -- in light of her request. "I thought you were going to try pushing first? Or was I misunderstanding?"
"I'm thinking that's easier this way. No offense, but if I'm fully stretched and the baby is pressing against the hole, I want to make sure you cut me and not the baby," she said with a shrug. "We're winging it, right?"
Winging it.
Right.
"Okay. I don't really have a choice but to trust you know what you're doing because I certainly don't know what I'm doing," he said, retrieving another pair of gloves. "Tell me we at least have a scalpel or something better than my pocket knife for this."
Savannah smiled. "We actually do. April insisted on those, even if people didn't think they were important, and besides, I have a bigger knife. I might be the princess, but I always end up with weapons and holsters as gifts," she said, giggling. "Here, medkit." She had put everything on the sleeping bag, making it within reach. She took the scalpel out and turned her hands on fire. It had to be better than antibacterial lotion and it'd sting less. "Here."
"Never heard of the Warrior Princess?" TJ eyed both girl and scalpel as she heated it, he presumed for sterilization. But, really? Girl on fire holding scalpel? Could his life get any weirder?
"You're going to have to hold the light," he told her, kneeling once more between her legs, much to the protest of his knee and hip. He was going to need both arms to balance while he did this or he wasn't going to be able to do this without risking slicing her open the wrong way. Taking the scalpel from her, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
He opened them when the ground shook.
Riding out the latest -- thankfully smaller -- aftershock without moving, he shook his head when he was done. "Remember what you were saying about always having eventful pregnancies? We could do with a little less eventful. Ready?"
As he leaned closer to make the incision, he wondered how this even worked if she couldn't feel pain and he didn't know what he was doing. She couldn't see if he did it right and he could only go on her description of what to do. TJ was trying to hear Maura's voice talking him calmly through it as he touched the scalpel to her. But, it was the imagined You can do this, babe in Travis' voice that got him to that initial cut.
Savannah grabbed the flashlight and pointed her between her legs. "This would be so much easier if I could change into something else. I just don't know the effect on the baby once I push. Still eventful."
She could feel the scalpel pinch into her, but it was nothing that hurt. Between being stretched and her body it was normal that she couldn't feel it. "With the contractions, I'm going to push. As soon as the head is out, you need to tell me so I can stop pushing. That's when I really need your help. You need to reach inside and twist the baby so that one shoulder comes out. Then I can push again while you gently pull him out. You'll be great, Thomas. You're doing fine. Just let me know when you're done and we get ready for the next contraction."
TJ was only partially following what she was saying, focusing on making the incision. He had no idea how fast or slow he was supposed to do this, if there was even a difference. Slow seemed the better option, less chance of accidentally turning half an inch into half a foot. But, he couldn't really take too much time with it when another aftershock could hit at any moment.
In the end, he really had no idea how long it was before he sat up again and nodded. "Done."
And that was when he finally started processing the rest of what she had said. "Wait. Did you say reach in and twist him? Pull him out?" He'd always been under the impression the woman did the pushing and the doctor or whoever was just there to catch the kid as it came out. There was nothing on television about reaching in and pulling the kid out. "Christ, if there was ever a way to guarantee a man became fully gay, this is it. I'm pretty sure you've killed whatever interest I might still have in women. Ever."
"Just his shoulder, because you can't exactly pull him by his head when his neck is smaller than his shoulders. That's a very efficient way to strangle him." Savannah chuckled. "I'm sure Travis would appreciate your disinterest in people. So it's really for the good of your relationship we're doing this," she said, giggling, but that was cut short, because she could feel her uterus tighten, even if the pain was getting less and less obvious. "Here we go."
Savannah took a deep breath and pushed as she mentally counted to ten, and kept going until she could feel her stomach relax again. She did it three more times before she felt the pressure against her vagina disappear. "Is the head out?"
There was a comeback about Travis and appreciating far more than disinterest. But, TJ was too busy mentally confirming that breasts were definitely off the table now, Travis or no Travis. Watching a tiny head emerge from between a woman's legs was effectively killing any desire he'd ever had to put his dick in there. If there ever came a day when he contemplated raising children -- and really, that was probably the worst idea in the history of parenting -- he was adopting.
Or, better yet, letting Doug do his duty as the straight brother and produce an heir to the Hammond legacy while TJ remained blissfully distant.
Miracle of birth his ass.
"Yeah." TJ had his hand resting under the baby's head and the baby's body was still inside Savannah's body and this was just too weird for words. He'd need a line or two just to purge his mind of this mental image. "Yeah, head's out. He's...really little. I need to twist him now?"
Her breathing got quicker as she tried to stop the urge to push. "Yes... twist the shoulder and let me know when I can push again."
TJ swallowed and did what he was told. Slipping his fingers inside her, he carefully turned the baby's body until his shoulder came free. "Okay, I think you're good."
Savannah nodded, still concentrating on breathing. "Okay hold him," she said before pushing, and this time she didn't have to be told when he was out. She knew. She shifted the flashlight to her other hand and reached for the clamp. "Almost there. Clamp the umbilical cord and cut it, just about an inch from his stomach. You can give him to me when you're done. I can do this while we deliver the placenta."
"While we deliver what?" Right, this was definitely not in the medical shows. And if it was, well, TJ couldn't be blamed for concentrating more on the hot doctors than what they were actually doing. He was changing his mind about all that ribbing he'd given Doug about blood and fluids. From now on TJ was right there with him. Sex only.
With men.
Still, he did as she asked, taking the clamp and using it on the umbilical cord. Cutting it was a little more problematic and he knew when he was halfway through he should have asked for the knife. But, at least the scalpel was sharp and it wasn't like sawing rope or something he imagined would hurt the baby.
He hoped.
"What do I need to do now?" he asked, reaching over her legs to hand her the baby.
Savannah took the baby. "Give me the nose pump, blue thingie," she said as she grabbed the baby from his ankle and pulled him up. She hit him on the sole of his feet like she had read, holding her breath until he started crying. "Hello, sweetie. Welcome to this world." She turned him around and pulled him against her and kissed his forehead. "You're a mess, just like every little boy should be."
She lay him down on her side, and pulled her tee shirt off. She used it to clean him off, before reaching for the diaper which was plenty big on him, but that was the only thing they had. "Can you grab me two more shirts?"
"Until they're old enough to enjoy getting dirty, the mess is no fun," TJ said drily, getting up to get the pump. He retrieved that and moved to her backpack to get the shirts. For a moment he contemplated getting one of his own, but decided against it. The cold air was acting like ice on his shoulder, numbing the swelling. Besides, he'd already sacrificed one shirt for the cause tonight and it sounded like they weren't done.
"Here." Handing her the pump, he held the t-shirts out until she was ready for them.
Savannah giggled. "You're horrible. This is my son you're talking about." She used the pump to clear his nose and make sure he could breathe, before wrapping him in one of the shirts. "Here hold him for a moment," she said, handing the baby to Thomas.
"And, eventually, he'll enjoy getting dirty," TJ returned. "Most men do."
But, joking aside, he cast a side-eyed glance at her when she told him to take the baby. It wasn't enough he was now scarred for life and never going near a woman again. No, now he had to hold it? TJ didn't even like kids much. Not until they were older, like teenagers, and capable of semi-adult conversation without needing his constant attention. It was the one trait he'd inherited from his mother. He'd heard her complain about having to hold babies during the campaign trails often enough. And yet there Savannah was, holding him out as though asking Thomas Hammond to hold her baby was the most natural thing in the world.
Sighing, he took baby rather than argue about it.
Savannah handed him the baby (and really, she needed to talk to Marty and talk about a name) and put the shirt on, before getting up. She moved off the sleeping bag and turned into fire, embracing the flames, before turning into pure ice. When she returned, she picked up the baby. "Let's deal with the placenta and then I'll do that again. It'll help heal any possible tears in the uterus and then you can pretend you never saw any of that."