Who: Patrick and David What: Let's talk about your girlfriend When: Tuesday evening Where: Their apartment
Having David home was amazing. Patrick was thrilled his brother had returned, but it did mean he had left behind the woman who had spent months taking care of him and Patrick didn't seem to think that was as black and white as David might have. And Patrick thought David might need to talk about it too.
Patrick carried a tray with a teapot and all the fixings to David's door and then he kicked lightly against it in lieu of knocking. "It's Patty. I have tea and biscuits!"
David stroked his thumb across the glass of the photo frame, frowning as he looked at the photo of Bridget. He kept it in the drawers next to his bed, and every now and again he'd take it out to look at it. He kept telling himself not to, that this was the last time, but then he'd find himself putting down his book or his trowel and sneaking back into his bedroom for another glance. The very fact that he was sneaking at all worried him. Who was he trying to avoid? John? who didn't really care either way what David did or didn't do. Patrick? who was obviously biting his tongue to prevent an unasked-for opinion that David already knew.
...God?
That thought made David shiver, and he glanced up, as if he could see eyes peering down at him. Then there was the knock on the door, and David jumped. He hurriedly stuffed the photo back into his drawer.
"Come in!" he said, slamming the drawer shut and sounding a mite too perky.
Patrick managed to open the door by balancing the tray on one hand and then he carried the tea in to his brother. "Hey, Dewi," Patrick said with a smile. "Erm...everything okay?"
"Yep, thank you," David said, smiling at his took the tea. "Very thoughtful of you." He took a sip politely, and nodded to the chair. "You can sit, if you like."
Patrick did sit opposite David, smiling over at his brother. "Having you here again is just...indescribable, Dewi. I missed you so much. And so much happened," he said, pointing at his incredibly gaunt face. "For you too, apparently."
"Yeah," David said, shaking his head sympathetically. "Goodness. Things are so much more eventful than they used to be." He tapped his fingers against the teacup, frowning again, then shook his head. "No. Things will go back to normal." He chewed the inside of his lip, agitated.
Patrick furrowed his brow then and he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "Dewi...I'm sorry for asking, but I'm your brother and I love you. Do you want them to go back to normal?"
David looked up and opened his mouth to answer, then closed his mouth again. "I don't know," he mumbled, shoulders sagging. He ran his fingers through his hair and glanced towards the drawers. "Living like a mortal... I need to straighten my head out. Get back to my mission." But he didn't sound like he was completely convinced.
David must have been so troubled and conflicted and Patrick wished there was something he could do to help his little brother. Having lived a happy little storybook life had to be so confusing now.
"And what makes you think you can't get on with your mission if you happen to have Bridget with you?"
David looked at Patrick like he was missing the point. "Because I swore an oath of frugality and chastity. I don't even eat meat, Patrick." He grimaced. "I did, in the hospital because they didn't know. Some sort of chicken thing. It made me sick."
"David..." Patrick chewed on his lip and then he gave his brother a worried glance. "I know you did, Dewi. But you aren't a monk any more. We all change to help those who would ask for it. You can change too, Dewi. You're allowed."
David felt a little angry that Patrick was asking that of him, and that he really wanted to just give in. He put the teacup down on the drawers and clasped his hands in his lap, knuckles going white. "It's not as easy as that. I made a vow. I have to keep it." He sighed. "It's a test of my resolve. I have to pass it."
"Oh...Dewi." Patrick frowned at his brother but it was in sympathy and nothing else. "Brother, how long do you have to deny yourself before you have proven you love God?"
"Always! That's kind of the point!" David snapped, then groaned and rubbed his face with his hands. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shout at you. It's not your fault. I just hate leaving her like this. I hate doing this to her." He spoke vehemently, out of character to his normal measured self.
Patrick looked shocked for a moment, but where he once might have let that hurt him, he was different since his trip to Ireland. David wouldn't have known yet. But Patrick took David's outburst in stride and he moved to sit beside his brother, putting a hand on David's shoulder.
"Do you love her, Dewi?" Patrick asked, wondering how his brother would answer that.
David still looked angry for a moment, then let it go. "Very much," he said quietly. "I miss her so much." He blinked a moment, glancing upward, eyes suspiciously shiny. "I didn't know this is how it feels. I didn't know."
"Come here," Patrick said, pulling his brother into a hug. He held David, planting a kiss on his brother's hair. "I'm so sorry this happened. I really am. I can't begin to imagine how hard it is."
"Can't you?" David let Patrick hug him, suddenly remembering how lonely the high road was. He wanted to surrender so badly, but centuries of walking the same road, with changes so gradual he barely noticed them, were engrained into him. He felt like he was being stubborn for nothing, and that he was sticking to his principles at the same time. Surely love couldn't be against God's word? God IS love, after all.
"I can't," Patrick shook his head. He loved John but he had never, to his knowledge, been made to leave behind someone he loved. "Dewi, can I ask you a question? Erm. How...how far did-" Patrick chewed his lip and then he forged ahead. "How far did you two go together? And how do you...feel about that?"
At least that shocked David out of his morose mood. He stared at Patrick a moment, going red in the face. "I- I didn't know who I was, okay?" he said defensively. "I feel-" He squirmed a little, the guilt manifesting itself physically. "Oh I shouldn't have. Outside of marriage. At all."
"There's no blame here!" Patrick said quickly, giving David's shoulder a squeeze. "Absolutely no blame, Dewi. I don't think sex is wrong, and I know you didn't know who you were. Dewi, if you are just upset that it happened outside of marriage, why don't you marry her? You asked her to, didn't you?" Patrick wasn't a big believer in marriage, but he didn't think he could sell that to David along with everything else.
"Oh Gooood," David groaned, hiding his face in his hands. "I just left her there... You'd like her, if- I know you'd like her. And she'd like you, once the shock wore off. Oh Patrick, what am I supposed to do? I'm so torn..."
Patrick reached out for his brother's hand and he smiled at David. "I am sure I would love her, Dewi. She took care of you for months. That speaks volumes to me. And I say this from the heart because I know how important this is to you and you wouldn't want anything said lightly. I do not believe God would have put you in her path and had you fall in love if this were an obstacle he expected you to overcome. Perhaps if it was just sex, and he wanted you to overcome lust, but-" Patrick shook his head. "I don't believe God would play around with love. He says love is the most important thing. I believe he has given you love so you will better understand the people you are here for. You went on a pilgrimage and who are you to say you didn't end up exactly where you were supposed to. God works in mysterious ways."
David listened to Patrick's words, accepting their wisdom, despite the stubborn block in his head. "Perhaps," he said with a slight nod. Patrick did have a point. He'd left New York to rediscover himself, and it had happened, though in a way he could never have imagined. Then he sighed deeply and retrieved his teacup.
"This is very good tea, by the way. Thank you. And thank you for listening to me and not judging me. I know I'm a stick-in-the-mud to you."
"No, Dewi," Patrick said, shaking his head. "You are my brother and I love everything about you. You're welcome for the tea too. Why don't you tell me about Bridget? What is she like?"
"Oh, she's..." David smiled properly for the first time. "She's so compassionate. That's the thing I love most about her. She's so giving. And clever. And passionate..." He laughed a little self-consciously. "Very passionate. When she's talking to you it's like you're the only person in the room to her. Nothing you think or feel is insignificant. She's so beautiful."
Patrick grinned to hear David describe someone this way. He had never ever dreamed he would and it was slightly strange, but it thrilled him nonetheless. "She sounds amazing," Patrick said honestly. "Compassionate and giving are our kind of people. She she was always good to you? I have to ask because I'm protective."
"Of course. She was good to me from the start." David nudged Patrick's shoulder. "Stop grinning like that, you. Drink your tea."
"You drink your tea!" Patrick shot back with a wide grin. He had missed this so much. This closeness he had to David. "I just like knowing there is someone out there who will treat you the way I know you deserve to be treated, that's all."