|Lachlan Callum Blackwood (writeonmyheart) wrote in nevermore_logs,|
@ 2016-06-24 02:37:00
|Entry tags:||codeine, lachlan blackwood|
WHO: Lachlan and Codeine
WHAT: Worrying about Norah and discussing the PaSt
WHEN: Thursday afternoon
WHERE: Their place
WARNINGS: Descriptions of drug use, abuse and neglect
Possibly it was guilt that was driving Lachlan's over-protective big brother, schtick, but the why didn't really matter. He was worried to death about his little sister, and for quite a long time she had been suffering and he hadn't been in a position to help, considering he had been out of his mind on drugs. Now, he was sober and he had the means to help, and goddammit, he was going to. So when he had offered to cook Norah dinner, what he had really been offering, was to bring several huge tupperware containers full of food with him, so that she not only had dinner, but she would be fed well for the next week and a half.
If she ate it. And that was really the crux of the matter here.
Lachlan's hair fell into his eyes as he stirred a tomato-based sauce into some recently cooked pasta. He heard footsteps behind him, but he didn't even bother to look up as his boyfriend entered the kitchen. "Hey," he said, concentrating on the job at hand. "I used all the pasta."
"That's perfectly okay," Lachlan heard Ciaran's voice gently reassure him. "You've been in here for hours, is everything okay?"
"Mm. You hungry? I made lots of extra soup." When Codeine didn't answer him, only then did Lachlan turn to look at his boyfriend, who was watching him worriedly. "What?"
"You uhm...usually get like this when you-" Codeine shifted nervously and he ran his fingers through his hair, "you get like this when you're missing the drugs." There was obvious guilt in his voice, and Lachlan immediately wiped his hands on a tea towel and went to kiss Ciaran's cheek.
"That's not what this is," he said gently. "You know I tell you when that's the case. This is-" Lachlan sighed and went back to sprinkling grated cheese over the casserole he was making. "I'm worried about Norah."
"Ah." Ciaran pulled himself up onto the kitchen counter beside the oven as Lachlan slid the casserole into it. "Because she met Victor?"
"What? No! Well...okay, yes, but not so much today. She just sounds sad and I- I'm her big brother. It's my job to worry. She mentioned food too and every time she does that it's like a ice pick to the heart," Lachlan admitted. "She's struggled with this stuff for years. Drug addiction was my form of escape and self-harm, and starving herself is hers. And I know I can't actually do shit to stop it if that's what she's doing again, and I don't even know if it is what's going on, but my alarms are up and argh!" Lachlan grabbed the tea towel from where it hung over the oven handle. He balled it up and threw it angrily across the kitchen, watching as it unfurled and floated rather pathetically towards the ground. "Fuck towels," he muttered.
"Okay," Ciaran slid from the counter and he went to wrap his arms around Lachlan. It had taken Lachlan a long time to be okay with this kind of calming affection, but now he only stiffened for a second before relaxing into Ciaran's embrace. "You will be there for her, yes? She loves you and if she knows you're there for her that has to help."
"If she can trust I won't just fuck off again," Lachlan mumbled into Ciaran's shoulder. "I have a rather sketchy track record of doing just that."
"But you're not going to," Ciaran said, pulling back. "If you believe it, she'll get there eventually. Maybe she just needs time. And you're in the same city now so you can give that to her."
"You're really good at this," Lachlan admitted, offering his boyfriend a small smile. "I just hate knowing I abandoned the both of them to suffer through all the shit alone. I mean- That's not entirely true. We went through the brunt of it together, obviously. And when our older brother went to juvie, I protected Norah as best I could. They had to pry us apart when we went into foster care. I mean literally too, I was screaming and she was crying and they had to peel my fingers off her arm one by one."
"Shit," Ciaran hissed. "Shit, Lach-"
But Lachlan was on a roll now, and when he started talking it was often hard to stop him. "I remember- I remember it like it was yesterday. We hadn't eaten in three days, because money for drugs is more important than feeding your kids, right? And when the cops showed up...my teacher called them, I told you that? When they showed up, these social workers and cops pried us apart and I was sitting in the station waiting for some family to come pick me up and the fuzz were just trying to feed me and I kept hitting it out of their hands and demanding to see Norah. Three days starving and I refused to eat because I was so horrified I couldn't see her.
"I didn't see either of them for months after that and I hardly ate a thing. I mean...nine years of being fucking nearly starved to death repeatedly...so bad it stunted my growth, and I finally had all the food I could eat and I just didn't want it. If was the same for her, no fucking wonder she ended up with these kind of- And then it was one placement after another because some fuckers shouldn't be allowed anywhere near children, and I hardly saw them and out of the blue my uncle shows up and has us shipped to the US... I didn't trust he would keep us. I didn't trust he wouldn't come try to- I mean when the others were asleep I stayed up because I was so scared that he would- So I left. That was when I left them. It wasn't during the worst part, but we were finally back together and I fucked off."
Most of it Ciaran had heard before, but that didn't mean he liked hearing about the abuse the man he loved had suffered through. It was obvious from the pained expression on his face that he was upset. "Babe. You didn't abandon them, you left because you were scared."
"And I wanted to be off my nut on heroin," Lachlan added, ever so helpfully.
"Well. Okay. But there's a reason for that too, and you know it. Shit, babe, none of what happened is your fault."
"Ciaran, you can't absolve me of guilt for repeatedly running away from home and rehab to shoot up."
"Okay, most of it isn't your fault. And you're clean now. What happened when you were kids was...unimaginable. Disgusting. What matters is that you're here for her now."
Lachlan sighed and leaned against the counter, staring down at his hands. He still felt horrible guilt, but maybe it was better he did. The guilt kept him from using. And he wanted a hit so badly right now, his palms were sweating and he was fairly sure Ciaran could tell. "To that end, can I have like a bunch of money to buy her groceries?"
Ciaran laughed suddenly and he moved to kiss Lachlan's forehead. Every time Ciaran did that, it made Lachlan feel warm and loved. "Of course you can."
"I'm going to spend the night there. Might be a few nights?"
"Take as long as you need, just text me if things are getting...bad? I can come visit both of you, or you can both come here?"
"Yeah. Good idea. Sorry I sort of...dumped on you there."
Ciaran ran his fingers through Lachlan's hair and he shook his head gently. "Never apologise for that, babe. You know I don't mind. Now go see your sister. No one's ever going to keep you apart again, okay? I'll make sure of it."
"My casserole has to finish cooking first!" Lachlan protested, finally grinning at his boyfriend. Ciaran's words meant the world to him. "Which means we have an entire twenty minutes to cuddle."
"Ooh! Well then, I'll put off my plans to brood about your absence."
Lachlan snorted and he grabbed Ciaran's hand to lead him to the sofa. "Atta boy."