WHO: Mary & Judas WHEN: Friday night WHERE: Mary's place WHAT: This is not the night to come calling WARNINGS: Violence, language, messed up sexuality
This was always the hardest time of year for Mary. The weeks surrounding it were difficult but Easter Friday itself felt like she was being rolled over hot coals. She was the day she had watched that amazing man killed so tortuously. She had remained at the bottom of the cross and wept and his own blood had fallen upon her. She hadn't moved from there until she'd been forcibly removed (And in this instance it didn't matter who was right about her story. It didn't matter if she was his wife, or his lover, or his apostle. She had loved him and he had loved her, because he had been a man full of love, bursting with it, and he had taught her such things about the world that she hadn't understood. He had opened her eyes and made her whole and anything else history or fiction could write would never matter. He had shaped her from a child into a woman in his light.)
This day. This awful, horrible day. Mary was making it through though and night had closed in around her now as she thought of that last day. Hearing a sound on the fire escape she turned and when it was Judas she found herself momentarily confused. Having spent the day in her own head, in thoughts of the old world, her first thought about Judas was one of friendship.
But then time came back to her and she remembered why he came to her window and why she hated him.
"What do you want?" Mary demanded, but she already knew the answer. He wanted the same thing she'd given the last two times he'd come here. But why today, of all days? Did he hate her that much, despite his claims otherwise? Or was he seeking comfort as well?
"I don't know." Judas was half drunk, dark circles under his eyes, looking more like his shaggy old self than the clean-cut man he had been trying to be. He'd been distracted by Agatha and her issues, so he hadn't realised what time of year it was until he woke with a scream from the images of that day, dreaming them as vividly as he'd experienced them. He couldn't rest again after that, just lying in bed all day, not even getting up to pee. He just couldn't bring himself to move until the smell from the bucket near his bed began to get the better of him. It was closing midnight on the night of Good Friday, when nearly 2000 years ago, Judas had looked up at the man on the cross, afraid to go too close, watching the holy mother and lover weep at his feet. He'd wept like a child himself, the first stirrings of repentance in his heart.
Now he stood on Mary Magdalene's fire escape, sleepless for over a day, a bottle of terrible alcohol in his hand.
"I want to forget."
(Reply to this)(Thread)
[info]gospel_of_mary 2012-04-06 01:14 pm UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select Mary watched him coldly and after a long time of silence she said, "there's no forgetting." Her voice was a hiss, anger over the pain. "Not any of it."
(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)
[info]faithtraitor 2012-04-06 01:28 pm UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select Judas nodded, climbing in past her without being invited. He stumbled slightly, the liquid in his bottle sloshing. "I didn't want to do it. I had to. I love him. I wish he'd speak to me." He sat down heavily on a chair at Mary's tiny kitchen table, plonked the alcohol onto the tabletop, then buried his face in his hands.
(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)
[info]gospel_of_mary 2012-04-07 08:43 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select Mary was frozen for a moment, Judas now inside this little bubble of pain she'd dug out for herself. Red-eyed and thick-voiced, she charged over to Judas and hit him in the shoulder with the flat of her hand so that he'd straighten up in the chair. "No," she snapped. "You don't get to do this, and you sure as fuck don't get to do this today and to me." Then she hit him, because it made her almost feel better. (Almost. Not really.) "You think I care about your guilt? I want you to fucking drown in it!"
(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)
[info]faithtraitor 2012-04-07 12:16 pm UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select The shock of the smack made Judas pause a moment, before looking up at her. "Not everything is about you," he said, quite clearly, lip curling in a slight sneer. He cracked his neck and picked up his bottle, bringing it to his lips to take a swig.
(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)
[info]gospel_of_mary 2012-04-07 12:41 pm UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select "And yet here you are!" Mary almost shouted, her voice hitching with anger. "You come crawling in my window on the day I want to tear the whole world down and you tell me it's not about me. Fuck you, Judas!" Again she slapped him. "Fuck you and everything you've done!"
(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)
[info]faithtraitor 2012-04-07 01:04 pm UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select Judas clenched his jaw and closed his eyes. The pain felt almost satisfying, in a way. "That the best you have?" he said, putting the bottle down again. "Swearing and slapping? You think anything you can do is going to make a difference to me?"
(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)
[info]gospel_of_mary 2012-04-07 01:51 pm UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select Grabbing the bottle she threw it just past him, letting it smash against the wall. It filled her bed with broken glass and spilled the sheets with wine.
"No, nothing matters to you because you're a piece of shit and you're not even worth me getting my hands dirty." There had been a time when Mary would have defended everything that Judas was to the death. They had been children once, innocent and unknowing and full of mistakes and wonder. Those people they had been were dead now.
Mary shoved him harder then, aiming to push him out of the chair.
(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)
[info]faithtraitor 2012-04-07 02:05 pm UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select "Hey!" Judas protested, half getting up to try and save the bottle, which left him unstable when she pushed him and he fell and landed on his back on the floor. "So fucking violent!" He struggled to orient himself to get up.
(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)
[info]gospel_of_mary 2012-04-08 01:54 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select But Judas was down and Mary could think only of hurting him, of making him feel this gaping hole inside her. Her feet were bare so it hurt her as well when she kicked him in the side, but that pain she could ignore. What was a few broken toes compared to anything?
"You're a worthless piece of shit and you never deserved His love! You never deserved anything they give you, do you know that?" She kicked again, wishing that making him scream and cry and beg would somehow heal everything that ached. But it wouldn't. She knew it even as she kept kicking him. That didn't mean she stopped though. "And what are you? What made you think you ever belonged there with Him? You'll always betray everything He is in the end. You're scum! You are nothing!"
It didn't entirely matter if Judas heard everything she said or not. The words weren't really for Judas anyway.
(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)
[info]faithtraitor 2012-04-08 02:33 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select Judas wheezed with pain and tried to stop her kicking him at first, trying to squirm away, but he was drunk enough that getting up was difficult when there were kicks coming at his ribs. She hit hard and he curled into a ball, covering his head with his hands, grunting each time her foot landed on him. He could make out most of her words, or at least the meaning behind them, and it sank in to his core, where his deep-down heart knew and believed what she said, her words only serving to reinforce it. He moaned softly in more than just physical pain. "I'm so- sorry," he hiccuped, holding up his hands in surrender over his face, feebly trying to ward her off. His lungs hurt as he dragged in breath.
(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)
[info]gospel_of_mary 2012-04-08 04:38 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select It wasn't really his words that made her stop in the end, but just that she'd worn herself out. She'd eaten nothing for days and barely slept - she didn't have the strength for any sustained beating.
So eventually she took enough steps backwards from him that would lead her to the wall and sank down it into a ball on the floor, sobbing. "I loved you," she spat through her tears. "I fucking loved you so much." She felt like she couldn't breathe, like God was wrapping his hands around her chest and crushing every breath out of them. It felt like maybe she was dying like she was supposed to. Mary should never have been reborn into a world without Him - how was that cruelty anything but a punishment? (And how could she deny that she deserved it?)
(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)
[info]faithtraitor 2012-04-08 05:12 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select It took Judas a few minutes to pick himself up. He felt nauseous. He dry retched twice as he sat up, his ribs protesting the movement.
He moaned, the futility of it all crushing his chest even more than his dented ribs. He couldn't even properly cry about it, it just came out of him in a hoarse, animalistic moan. He could hear Mary's sobs, and turned towards her.
"Mary," he said, his voice harsh.
(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)
[info]gospel_of_mary 2012-04-08 05:30 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select Mary dragged the sleeve of her long shirt across her face and the mess of tears and snot there, trying to see again properly. She shook her head at him, her lips tightly clamped shut to try and silence herself.
"I hope they're broken," was what she said when she opened her mouth, the words thick and wavering, high-pitched with her tears. Her feet hurt and glancing down she could see she'd managed to rip one of her toenails half off and there was blood leaking across her foot.
Of course there was blood. There was always fucking blood everywhere Mary went. Their religion was founded on blood, so how could it be that this day - this horrible, terrible day - wouldn't make them all bleed.
She buried her face in her arms and cried, not caring what Judas thought of her. She was the Magdalen - she was reborn to weep.
(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)
[info]faithtraitor 2012-04-08 05:37 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select Judas stopped, panting slightly as he hung his head. "Do it," he said after a long pause. "Do whatever you want to me. Hang me, stab me, beat me. Crucify me. I deserve it. I deserve every bit of it." He felt maybe a couple of ribs might be broken as she wished, but it was difficult to tell. He wanted to be used as an expulsion of her grief, and his own.
(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)
[info]gospel_of_mary 2012-04-08 05:50 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select It was with a newfound burst of fury that she threw herself at him and out of her crouched position against the wall. Grabbing him by the hair - almost too short, but not quite - she slammed his head against the floor. "I would kill you a thousand times over if I could!" She spat in his face and then lifted his head to bang it against the floor again. "I'd burn in hell for all eternity for the violence of the things I imagine doing to you!"
She released his hair and then punched him, moving to straddle him and hoping that weight as well hurt his ribs. She punched again and when she spoke she punctuated her words with blows. "But. I. Can't. Fucking. Kill. You."
Her knuckles were bloody - both his and hers mingled - and she dragged herself to her feet. She laughed, hysterical and pained. "And He's watching us right now. Watching this fucking farce." She looked upwards but it was just the ceiling there and nothing divine. "Forgive, Mary," she spat, her tone broken. "Love, Mary. Turn the other cheek, Mary. Resign yourself to an eternity without Heaven and without me, Mary, stupid worthless whore Mary."
(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)
[info]faithtraitor 2012-04-08 06:35 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select His head spun, and he turned his face to the side as he tried to think straight. He could taste blood in his mouth from where his lip had split against his teeth. He looked up as Mary did, squinting at the ceiling.
"Betray me, Judas. It is God's plan, Judas. You are to sacrifice everything too, Judas," he said, his voice lower than Mary's but just as bitter.
(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread) [info]gospel_of_mary 2012-04-08 09:43 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select Exhausted, Mary sat down on the floor again, not looking at him. For a long time she was silent, and the sounds of the city outside seeped into the room around them. She could heard her own breathing and his.
Her mouth was dry when she finally spoke, and her voice was hollow. "I'm just so tired."
(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread) [info]faithtraitor 2012-04-08 10:32 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select Judas drew his sleeve across his face, trying to clean himself up and only managing to smear blood down his chin. His nose was bleeding and it tickled. With a grunt he managed to roll over and sit up, hissing with discomfort. He looked at Mary, feeling so damn sad for it all.
It took a little while for him to shuffle closer, so he could lean against the wall next to her. He felt woozy and not all there.
"Mary," he tried again, turning towards her. "Hate is so... exhausting." He knew, because he hated himself. He gathered himself together and leaned in, giving Mary the aborted kiss of comfort he'd almost given Agatha a couple of weeks before. Mary's lips were dry and warm, his own smeared with blood.
"I've already betrayed you unforgivably. I only wish I could have... changed things."
(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)
[info]gospel_of_mary 2012-04-08 10:49 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select Mary didn't draw away from the kiss, nor did she try and strike him again. He was right about hate. When she let hate and anger fuel her she could barely keep moving. But to let this despair fuel her seemed worse, seemed like it would take everything that was left from inside her and leave her with nothing but weakness.
She could taste blood and tears on her lips. It reminded her of that day.
"He said-" her energy felt like it ran out before she could finish and Mary licked her bloody lips and took a shuddering breath. "He used to tell me how brave I was." The words were flat and empty as she stared across the room, blinking slowly. "He didn't know me at all. I have no bravery. Just sins, every breath of me."
(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)
[info]faithtraitor 2012-04-08 10:59 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select "Oh, no, not you," Judas demurred, his voice in his ears sounding like it was coming from the next room. He felt dazed and tired. "He knew us both better than we know ourselves. He knew we could be strong enough. We're still here, aren't we?" Except that he didn't believe he was strong enough. He just sat like a sack of flour against the wall, eyes half-closed, his nose gently dripping blood down his shirt.
(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)
[info]gospel_of_mary 2012-04-08 12:41 pm UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select "Yeah," Mary whispered bitterly. "And look at us." Neither of them were exactly making anyone proud. They were pathetic - a whore and a traitor.
She took long slow breaths, watching the marks of Judas blood on the floor across from them.
(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)
[info]faithtraitor 2012-04-08 12:45 pm UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select After a long while, Judas sighed and wiped his nose with his hand. "Can I sleep here?" he asked, hardly able to lift his head. "I'm so tired." A kitchen floor had never looked so comfortable as this one.
(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)
[info]gospel_of_mary 2012-04-08 12:49 pm UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select Mary used the wall behind her to help her stand unsteadily, her feet throbbing with pain as she took a step. "Just don't be around when I wake up," Mary said as she limped towards her unmade bed and dropped into it, ignoring the pieces of broken glass from the bottle.
A better saint would have offered him kinder words than that. A better Mary would have given forgiveness and sweetness and warmth and understanding. But she was this Mary and this Mary had already given him all she could.