|Liliana 'Lil' Kemp (littlekemp) wrote in nevermore_logs,|
@ 2013-06-29 14:06:00
|Entry tags:||lil kemp, thanatos|
WHO: Little Kemp & Thanatos
WHERE: Gravesend, Brooklyn
WHAT: Don't play chicken with cars!
WARNINGS: suicide attempts (but not really)?
Since getting her diagnosis, Little had lost interest in a lot of the things she'd previously done. Where there had once been a quiet schoolgirl who was respectful to her teachers and prefered books to most things, that was being replaced by a slow burning sense of rebellion and recklessness. Because her brother had been a nightmare as a teenager - something but her and their mother admitted to quite often - Little had always been content to be the good girl. She'd be well behaved and not drink and not end up having a baby before she'd even finished high school. And she'd done so well with it, skirting the borders of cool enough to escape the mortifying land of loser but never gaining enough attention to be truly popular. Little had been a good girl but it turned out all that didn't count for a damn thing
Her attempts to pretend that she wasn't actually going to get sick were beginning to break down and although she still had years (she hoped?) before any symptoms would start, she was finding it harder and harder to deny that her body had become a ticking time bomb.
She'd started sometimes skipping school, forging notes to keep calls to her mother at bay, and on those days she just walked around the city. She rode the bus to unfamiliar places and explored without purpose.
But sometimes on these days she felt weighed down by her future and needed to feel something more than just that heaviness. And those were the days when she did something a little more drastic. The first time she hadn't thought anything of it. She had squeezed her eyes shut and even as she took that first step off the pavement and into the zoom of traffic she didn't know whether she was hoping to get hit or hoping to cheat death. Maybe it was both. Horns had blared and people had shouted and cars had swerved and braked, but no one had hit her. She reached the other side of the street and then bolted, catching her breath in an alley a few blocks away while sucking on her inhaler.
Today, somewhere in Brooklyn she didn't know, Little did it again. Standing on the pavement at the side of a busy street, Little closed her eyes and stepped out into the traffic.