Patrick Clark | Patroclus (borrowed_armor) wrote in nevermore_logs, @ 2012-05-29 06:25:00 |
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Entry tags: | achilles, patroclus |
Who: Achilles and Patroclus
When: Tuesday afternoon
What: It's been a while, there are a lot of things to discuss.
Where: Cafe/Sandwhich shop
The last few weeks had Achilles' head in a vice. New and old issues were coming to the surface. His night with Briseis. His time with Polyxena, and Memorial Day. He was walking near the edge, having let the smallest hint of happiness bleed through. He'd known his night with Briseis would be only a night. Honestly, Achilles needed more than that. That's where guilt came in and Polyxena. He wasnt even sure what that relationship was. They understood each other.
He needed a friend. He needed a best friend, so he'd callled Patroclus out that afternoon. Away from his apartment. Running into Briseis right now would cause more heartache than good.
Patroclus was glad that Achilles had called him. He had been missing spending time with his best friend and so he had hurried to the cafe Achilles had mentioned.
He walked in and smiled widely at his cousin. "Achilles," he said, sitting opposite the other man. "How are you!?"
Achilles had no doubt that Patroclus would show. Achilles had put him through trials that any good man would have broken ties from. He still stood true. It gave Achilles hope that he too could get through this, even though every day was a testament that he was doomed for suffering. He had not even written on his script or had anything to do with the entertainment business these last few months. Maybe longer. It wasn't like him to sulk for this long.
Achilles greeted Patroclus with sad eyes and a nod. "Cousin." He could say no more right now.
Patroclus' eyes wrinkled in worry. He went to sit across from Achilles and he leaned his head forward, whispering quietly. "What's wrong, Achilles?"
"I know not where to start, my friend." He didn't. There were many things conflicting within him. Heart, mind and body were all one, there was no separation for Achilles. He felt with everything within him.
He did not dive into the meat of the problems just yet, but his feelings got the better of him. "How is Briseis?"
Patroclus tried not to react outwardly to the fact that Achilles had asked about Briseis before him. He had to silently remind himself that the feelings he had for his cousin were not his own, but bourne out of belief.
He still might have to go have a heart to heart with his roommate later.
"She's fine, Achilles. She's been bonding with our other housemate, Deirdre. They're wonderful. How are you?"
Achilles may have vaguely held some of the same uncomfortable feelings Patroclus did, but he was good at ignoring such things. There were powerful things that happened when people re-wrote myths. Achilles' desire for Briseis and becoming the war veteran's emblem. It override anything Patroclus may be holding in.
It pleased him and displeased him to know Briseis was alright. He knew it was better this way, but it had given the smallest bit of false hope. He wanted her happiness. He also wanted her more each time she took a step back into his life. He'd made a mess of things. His hand ghosted over his face, struggling to keep his cool as he flagged down a girl to bring him a black cup of coffee. "Conflicted." That was all he said.
Patroclus chewed on his lip for a moment before asking quietly, "conflicted over what?" Had something happened with Briseis? Surely she would have told him...
Achilles didn't wish to dive into this, especially if Briseis had not said. He looked at Patroclus with desperation. Achilles knew not where to turn.
"She came to see me not a few weeks ago and stayed the night." He looked Patroclus directly, saying no more as he could assume what he wanted because the assumption would be true.
"She-" the happiness on his face in seeing Achilles faded, though probably not for the reason Achilles would assume. "She stayed the- Did you sleep with her?"
Briseis had slept with Achilles and hadn't told him?
"That is a question you already know the answer to." Achilles' voice was soft. "It wasn't reckless or lustful. There was more in it than that." He looked off as people walked by. He felt his heart twist inside. "Each time I put her behind me, my hopes spring up and are dashed."
Patroclus had to work to keep jealously out of his reactions. "Achilles-" It was hard to know what to say to his cousin when everything was coloured by his own feelings. "Have you spoken to her about it?"
"We spoke that morning, but it was full of regret. I should not have let my feelings cloud my actions. I do not involve myself with more than one woman at a time, but with Briseis is my weakness." He ran his hands through his hair and rested on his neck. He had not even tried to contact Polyxena during this, but the urge to see her was almost vital now.
Full of regret, hmm? Interesting.
"So she didn't seem like...like she wanted-" Patroclus cut himself off. "Achilles, I know she is your weakness. You shouldn't feel guilty about sleeping with her. But you have to be careful, you know how you get."
"I should feel as such when I've been sleeping with another woman." He wasn't sure how much Patroclus knew of he and Polyxena, but he would knoe soon. "She doesn't deserve that." It had always been his first priority to not treat his women with disrespect.
"Which woman are we talking about here, Achilles?" Patroclus had been a little out of the loop and he didn't know Achilles was still involved with Polyxena.
"The same Trojan princess whose brother is my enemy." There was little Achilles had spoken to Patroclus of. Briseis had been the first he'd seen of them in a long time. They were a part of his life less and less these days. It wasn't supposed to be that way.
To be fair, Hector had a lot of sisters, but Patroclus was pretty sure he knew which sister Achilles meant. "Polyxena? Achilles, surely that isn't a good idea!"
"None other," Achilles spoke, eyes as heavy as his heart. "It may not be," he admitted. He knew Polyxena's behavior in the past proved a very unworthy picture. "But what reason does she have to use me now?"
"She probably has no reason, but I can't help that I have my reservations," Patroclus said slowly. "I just want you to be careful, Achilles. I hate seeing you hurt."
"The same reservations as I hold for Helen?" Achilles asked feeling a bit interrogated, even if Patroclus was not headed in that direction. He sensed a vibe, though it wasn't the one Achilles thought. There was a lot of Patroclus now Achilles had no understanding of. "I'm not hurt. If anything continuing to pine for a woman who does not hold my heart completely after I give her mine time and time again is far more hurtful than anyone I chose to lay in bed with." Achilles had always been on the defense about Polyxena even though he too didn't even understand the infatuation.
"Achilles, I am not telling you not to. I'm just saying- Never mind." Achilles had a point about Helen. "If she makes it easier on you then...by all means I think that's great."
"You do not think any such thing. I know you Patroclus," he squinted his eye, studying. "What are you really thinking of?" There was some wall between them. He didn't like it.
"I do think that, Achilles. I mean it." And he was hardly going to explain to Achilles that he harboured love for him. Not unless Achilles beat it out of him and probably not even then. "That is what I was really thinking of. I would do anything to see you happy." Patroclus knew no matter how much it pained him, he wasn't the one to make Achilles happy. Not like that.
Achilles continued to eye him suspiciously. He feathered a hand over his face. "Are you happy? I don't think I know how to be. I go forward and take four steps backward every time I attempt anything." Was he always going to be grieved his entire life? His name meant pain, was he never going to be able to endure anything but?
Was he happy? He was, despite being in love with his best friend through belief, and knowing he could never have him. He was also in love with Helen and that eased the ache of it. "I am," Patroclus acknowledged. "Maybe the problem, Achilles, is that you're looking at things which made you happy in the past and expecting the same outcome. I think...it might be a good idea if you tried to find something else. Something new. Wew have to change with the time."
They'd always bated at this conversation. It was the same one with a different situation. Achilles was stuck in his past every time. Put to this situation it was the exact thing he needed to hear. He breathed in, exhaling harshly. "Does that mean letting the both of you go completely for my sake, or continuing to let my heart take a beating?"
Patroclus' stomach froze then and despite thinking Achilles couldn't possibly mean what he hoped Achilles meant, he had to clarify.
"Letting- Me? What do you mean by letting me go?"
"Letting both of you go from me." He grabbed his chest. "It hurts, Patroclus." He was near tears, he could feel it but refused to let them fall.
"Achilles...I didn't mean that. Well part of that. I meant that it might be a good idea to focus your romantic attentions somewhere else. Why-why would you let me go? I...I don't want you to do that."
Whatever Patroclus felt, Achilles only had a hint of. Not enough for him to harbor it. Briseis had taken over his heart and it wasn't fair to her anymore. He loved them above all others. "I pain you as well, do I not? The closeness between us is not there." That bothered him, Patroclus was his friend. The only person he would confide in outside of his mother and Briseis that knew his heart.
Ah, that. "Achilles, I would love to spend more time with you. Of course the closeness is there. If you feel it isn't...I think that's your perception. I don't feel any space between us. But I do feel like it would be better for you if you left Briseis in the past. You...you changed her life, Achilles. Now you have to change your own."
Patroclus had always been his council when Achilles would listen to no other. He was able to look at a situation that Achilles could only see at face value and give him a new direction. He was quiet for some time, contemplating.
"Achilles," Patroclus said softly, "you should talk to me more. I can try to come over more often but it goes both ways. I would love to spend more time with you. And if you need me to help you out more...of course I will."
Achilles nodded without anything else. He was still silent. He kept too much bottled up and the result was nasty. "I've kept you at arms length as means to help myself." When he chose to medicate himself, make his own decisions that involved others it was disastrous. "I need your council Patroclus," he said softly.
"Well keeping me at arm's length is stupid," he said easily. "Of course you need my council as I need yours. And you'll have it, Achilles. Any time you need."
"I've been hasty in my choices as of late, forgive me." He was calm now, thinking a little more clearly. "Keep nothing from me, brother." It was important to him. "It is important to me that I don't get reckless again and regret decisions made in haste."
The only thing he was keeping from Achilles were his feelings for his cousin, but he didn't think those were important to voice. "You have a deal, Achilles."
Achilles motioned for Patroclus to stand, as he did the same, embracing his cousin in a strong hug. He patted his back. He'd missed this, and for some time he thought he'd ruined it by his dealings with Hybris. That had been a long time since, it felt brighter now. His world wasn't completely thrown into guilt if he wouldn't let it.
Now it was a matter of defining what Polyxena and he truly were.