Natalie Godfrey (bornincrossfire) wrote in nevermore_logs, @ 2011-04-09 13:45:00 |
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Entry tags: | natalie godfrey, the red baron |
WHO: Natalie & The Red Baron
WHEN: Saturday night (2011-04-09)
WHERE: Con's apartment
WHAT: Admitting she's a big cheater.
WARNINGS: Language, mentions of sex, tba
Natalie had sort of thought she could play it all off as an April's Fools Day joke considering that had been the night she'd gone home with Seth from the bar. But she'd seen Conrad three times since that night and she hadn't said a word. Natalie needed to tell him. He continued to be amazing and she continued to be a complete shit.
So she'd spent the day working up the courage to tell Con what she'd done and now it was actually time to do it. She made her way to his apartment and then spent ages out in the hallway freaking out. He was going to hate her and Natalie had no one to blame for that but herself. She'd known going home from a bar with a stranger was a bad idea and that it would only end up hurting her, but she'd done it anyway. Why did she have to be so fucking self-destructive when it came to men?
Finally she knocked on Con's door and then let herself in, calling out for him and trying not to look as completely rubbish as she felt.
Manfred had just finished shaving the stubble off his chin when he heard Natalie come in. Wiping his face off with a towel he emerged from the bathroom in jeans and a t-shirt. He hadn't been expecting her, she hadn't even called to say she was coming, but he gave her a soft smile just the same.
"I'm not dressed for such an occasion? This is the surprise."
Moritz bounced over to her with a friendly bark just as happy to see her.
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[info]bornincrossfire
2011-04-09 05:40 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select
"I'm surprising," Natalie smiled at him, leaning down to give her attention to Moritz. She could keep a stupid smile plastered on her stupid face and pretend for a little bit longer. She wasn't quite ready.
"Aren't you going to offer me a drink then?" she asked him.
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[info]the_red_knight
2011-04-09 05:52 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select
"Of course, dear." He walked over letting his arms wrap around her waist. "How long are you staying?" as she at least got to fly back and forth all over the continent and back. He had to admit he was somewhat envious. He'd give anything to have his license back. He missed the air.
After a kiss he released her and walked over to the liquor cabinet. "Scotch, Whiskey or beer?"
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[info]bornincrossfire
2011-04-09 05:58 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select
Natalie made a contented sound against Con's lips and then said, "I can stay all night." Not that she would. Not after she told him.
"Scotch," Natalie said, a little sad to be let go. She followed him and wrapped her arms around his waist from behind, resting her cheek against his back.
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[info]the_red_knight
2011-04-09 08:48 pm UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select
Something was wrong he could sense in the somber behavior. He continued making her drink while she clutched him as if she didn't want to let him go. "What's the matter Miss Natalie, you seem not yourself dear."
He turned then setting her drink on the table counter, kissing her sweetly. When he looked at her he trailed a soft hand against her cheek.
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[info]bornincrossfire
2011-04-10 12:09 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select
"Nothing," Natalie said automatically and then frowned, reaching for the glass. "I have to tell you something." She drank the finger of scotch down in one gulp, needing to pretend it would help.
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[info]the_red_knight
2011-04-10 01:40 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select
"So tell me," he said with a light chuckle. His hands clasped her waist as he leaned against the table, pulling her in against him. He downed his head blue eyes looking at hers with a jestful sigh. "What is it," he gave her a small teasing smile.
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[info]bornincrossfire
2011-04-10 01:44 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select
Natalie drew herself away from his touch, because she couldn't deal with that. Not when she was trying to do this. "No, Con, seriously," she told him, trying to just get the words out.
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[info]the_red_knight
2011-04-10 01:50 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select
His brows furrowed in confusion as she stepped back, head to the side as he tried to understand her movements. He sighed slightly at arms with what she had not said. "What is it?" his own voice nervous.
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[info]bornincrossfire
2011-04-10 01:53 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select
Natalie crossed her arms and let her gaze fall to the ground while she tried to think of the best words. How could she have been thinking about this all day and still not have decided how to say it?
Finally she lifted her eyes to look at Con and quietly said, "I slept with someone else," as simply as she could.
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[info]the_red_knight
2011-04-10 01:55 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select
The words flew right of her mouth and yet it was like it echoed in his ears in the silence that followed. "What?" he said still confused and thinking she might be playing some cruel joke.
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[info]bornincrossfire
2011-04-10 01:57 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select
She wanted to tell him that it was a joke, but it was out now and she had to continue. She should have just kept it to herself and he'd never have even known!
"I'm sorry," she said and couldn't look at him.
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[info]the_red_knight
2011-04-10 02:21 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select
"Natalie," he said with a level of disbelief and hurt. "You didn't." He'd known of her transgressions before being with her officially, he'd been willing to wait until she was comfortable. Now, after what they'd been through---the dark place she'd pulled him out of, the things she'd opened up to him about and yet she dared do this to him. Did he mean so little to her?
There was another wave of silence and when he spoke again an anger that he'd never showed toward her before. He took a step forward his words clipped, "You’ve admired me for as long as you could remember, held me close to your heart since you could fly a plane and yet.....yet you’ve not been able to give me an ounce of respect."
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[info]bornincrossfire
2011-04-10 02:23 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select
"I know," Natalie just said, still keeping her eyes on the floor. "You deserve so much better and... I know that I fucked up, Con."
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[info]the_red_knight
2011-04-10 03:14 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select
There was a very unamused chuckle that came next, as if he were mocking her with he sound. A part of him felt pulled back to the arrogant person he was long ago, when he'd crack jokes and insult those that pulled him down. He was a man of war, someone others looked up to and yet, yet the very person he put trust in that built him into the idol he was yanked it right out from under him. Quite frankly he would rather be shot through the chest again, this time not come back at all.
"That's it?, That's all you have to say? I'm sorry Con, I messed up," he continued on, his words melding into his German tongue. He started speaking so fast, she'd hardly be able to keep up or pick the words apart.
He took another deep breath, turning his back from her, looking down the window at the street below, tapping his fingers against the window seal.
"Natalie," his tone was no longer in the soft and gentle voice that he often gave her. He'd been disappointed with her before, had spoken only to her abruptly as a friend. When he turned around again his tongue was harsh, just as it sounded when he spoke in German. Heavy and angry. "Look at you, looking at the floor as if I'm supposed to crawl around with a broken heart and tell you it's okay, I'm sorry, I forgive you." He paused taking a deep breath.
"I won't. I'll tell you exactly what you think of yourself, because that's what you want. You'd rather I give you a black eye than flowers. Bruises instead of kindness. Tell you that you're worthless, shit really, because no one that actually gives a damn about you could ever be worth keeping around---even if he's the only man you've ever looked up to." He shook his head, "Do you really think so little of me?"
He shrugged in exasperation. He was at a loss. "I'm done. No more, Natalie. I'm done. I'll be damned to ever think I'm meant to have something to carry on, something to keep close. Not in this life, not in the life before, and not ever. Quite frankly I'd rather not come back this time."
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[info]bornincrossfire
2011-04-10 04:04 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select
The anger in his voice made her draw back, just because it was something that he'd never directed at her before. "You're not supposed to forgive me," Natalie said, shaking her head quickly. She'd never expected or wanted that today. "What I did- I don't have any excuse."
There were things she could have said if she'd thought of them. Maybe she could have talked about how, in the long run, what'd she done was better for them because she'd only ever hurt him. Or perhaps she could have blamed being drunk, even though that would have been a lie. Natalie had been sober enough to know exactly what she was doing with Seth.
"I think everything of you," Natalie said when she looked up at him, her words quiet but adamant. "In all my life you're the only man who's ever-" But none of this was any good. None of it could make a difference. "I just- I don't- I'm sorry, I'm just so sorry," she took a few more steps backwards, wrapped up in her own pain at having hurt him like that.
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[info]the_red_knight
2011-04-10 04:13 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select
Conrad shook his head knowing he should have never expected an answer that would tell him any more than this.
"Sorry, sorry, sorry," he smacked his forehead, running his hands through his hair furiously, "Sorry doesn't really cut it does it Natalie?" He dropped his hands to his side, his words the more he talked the faster they came out as if it would hurt any less.
After all the years of being a friend to her, feeling a closeness than he did with anyone because of how much he'd been a part of her life without ever being there until the last three to four years, it felt snipped in a matter of a few seconds.
"It's too much isn't it? To expect so much of someone. To think," he stepped closer to her, grabbing her arms shaking her just lightly (never forcefully) so that she'd look up at him, "I've never had anything to hold on to Natalie. You won't ever let me, and I knew that. So, no, perhaps I should blame myself."
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[info]bornincrossfire
2011-04-10 07:50 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select
Natalie knew that 'sorry' could never make amends for this, or even begin to repair what she'd done. When he grabbed her and shook her though she felt like it was suddenly more familiar ground, but even then it was clear he wouldn't hurt her. He'd never have hurt her and she'd thrown that all away.
She fought not to cry, blinking back the blur in her eyes. "It's never been your fault," Natalie promised him, not pulling away, wishing she could just take all this back. "I ruined everything, I always ruin everything. I- I love you." It didn't make anything better and she knew it.
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[info]the_red_knight
2011-04-11 03:27 pm UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select
He shook his head releasing her with a defeated sigh. "Natalie, you love the idea of me. You've spent years adoring me as who I was, and maybe things would have been different had you lived during my lifetime." He picked up the scotch he'd sat on the counter and downed it in one big swallow. "You can wish for something better but once you have it you flail like a lost little girl. I'm done wiping tears and telling you what your worth. I'm not your parent, and right now I'm not your friend. Leave please and don't think of me again. Don't wish so hard I was alive and maybe I'd have stayed where I belonged the first time."
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[info]bornincrossfire
2011-04-12 12:41 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack This Select
There was nothing Natalie could do or say to stop this. Maybe there were deep and true words that could have been said to start repairing the damage, but Natalie herself didn't have any of them.
So she went. Manfred von Richthofen had told her to leave and never come back. Conrad had told her to leave and never come back. Natalie honestly sure which of those ideas hurt her more.
She ignored Moritz who tried to say goodbye to her and just walked quickly out of the apartment, closing the door behind her and getting halfway down the stairs before sitting down and crying while she called for a cab.