|Saint Patrick ☘ (shamrocked_) wrote in nevermore_logs,|
@ 2012-07-10 05:33:00
|Entry tags:||saint david, saint patrick|
WHO: David and Patrick
WHAT: post-birth chattings (originally posted by David)
WHEN: Monday evening
WHERE: at the hospital
David rubbed his hands over his face and sighed as he sat down in the sofa of the small lounge near Bridget's room. Bridget was okay to go home in the morning, and it tugged at both of their hearts to have to go home and leave their babies behind. Consequently, David was feeling exhausted, emotionally and physically. He was glad of Patrick's company. His brother had gone to fetch some tea while David sat with Bridget for a few minutes, but with his wife asleep David had wanted to get a little break from the room and the sounds of the equipment. The TV in the corner was on quietly, playing some gameshow with shiny suitcases. He watched it uncomprehendingly, not really involved at all.
Patrick made his way back with the tea to find his brother in the lounge rather than the room. "Hello there," he said with a nod. "Is Bridget asleep?" He handed David one of the cups. "I got you herbal so you don't get all jittery."
"Thanks," David sighed, taking the cup gratefully. He wouldn't have minded anything he was given at this point. "Yeah, she's sleeping. Doctor says we can go home tomorrow. Neither of us want to." He sipped the hot tea and then sighed. "I just want to get us all home safely."
Patrick gave his brother a supportive look as he took a seat beside him. "I have no doubt that will happen soon, Dewi." He couldn't imagine being forced to leave a child behind, though. It must be horrible. "Try to spend the few days you have sleeping for when you do get them home?"
David nodded and shrugged, trying to get himself together a bit. "I've been praying for them," he said, closing his eyes and letting them sit in companionable silence for a while. He looked around the room idly as he sat sipping his tea, often glancing back to Patrick, just to make sure he was properly still there.
"You know," he said after a while, watching Patrick's hands. "I never thought I'd see you get married." He just wanted to not think about himself for a little while.
Patrick sipped his own tea, Irish breakfast with three sugars and a lot of half and half, and then he nodded. "No, neither did I." He licked the sweetness from his lips and then he leaned back in his chair. Patrick shrugged and he looked down at the ring on his finger. "Never thought I'd see you with children, but it's incredible." He smiled brightly at his brother then. "World's a funny place, isn't it?"
David nodded and shrugged. Couldn't argue with that. He gave Patrick a small smile back. "Surely is," he said, looking at the ring too. "I can't remember if you told me what made you change your mind on the issue. I thought you were so against the entire concept."
Patrick made a face as he considered that. "I am...was...am." Patrick sighed. "I think it's like slavery, I guess."
"So, why are you doing it then?" David looked perplexed, tapping a finger against the side of his cup. "I mean, I never expected to be married either, but because I didn't believe in, you know, self indulgence, all that. It took me getting amnesia and losing myself completely before I could let go of that. You're still you. I hope." He gave Patrick a small smile.
Patrick stared at his brother for a moment. He hadn't really thought about why he was doing it, at least not before now. "Uh-" he said, his voice wavering slightly. "I guess I just...I know John won't enslave me or anything."
David turned his head to look at Patrick properly. The waver concerned him. "Shouldn't the answer be that you love him and you want your relationship to be recognised legally, and officially in the eyes of God?" he asked, trying to word it as gently as possible. He didn't want Patrick to feel attacked or undermined.
Patrick chewed on his lip, wondering where this was coming from. "Well yes! That too, I guess I just meant I know John isn't doing this to enslave me so I shouldn't be against it. Even if I do consider it an antiquated thing. I don't know, you're happy being married, right?"
"Yes, very. But I believe in it as an institution. I would be unhappy continuing my relationship if we weren't married. You have seemed happy with John, being with him, you know, ah- intimately, without marriage. And you equate it with something you hate." David shook his head and looked down at his cup. "I'm sorry if I'm overstepping the mark. I just can't stop thinking about Bridget's mortality, especially with the twins being so very small. I am so terrified of losing her that it feels like it's about to suffocate me sometimes. I suppose that's why you want to marry John, because you're scared of losing him, maybe? Just, John can be very..." he trailed off and waved a hand to dismiss the thought. "I don't understand my changes sometimes. I want to understand yours so I can better understand my own."
"I..." Patrick looked slightly distressed then and he looked up at his brother. "I don't- I love him so- I don't know. It's just a...mmm. He loves me enough to want to marry me. No one else would ever want to do that."
"No no! Patrick!" David put aside his cup and reached out to take Patrick's hands. "Don't say such things! You're letting your insecurity control you and it simply isn't true. There are many who love you. I promise you, you are not alone." He lifted a hand to touch Patrick's cheek, unable to stop his own love for his brother showing in his face even if he'd wanted to. "Please. Patrick. Believe me."
Patrick had heard this again and again but none of his brothers seemed to understand what he meant. "No," he said firmly, though he didn't pull his hands away. He didn't want David to think he was mad at him. "No, I know that. I mean...not family or friend love. I mean John is the only person who could ever be in love with me."
"Oh. Well that's not true either." David sighed, bowing his head tiredly. "You're not stuck with him forever if you don't want to be. How do you know that John is the only person? Have you tried to love anyone else?"
"I don't think I am stuck with him at all!" Patrick said loudly, shocked David would say such a thing. "I was only saying...I think he proposed so I would know he wasn't going to leave me and so he would know I am not leaving him!"
"I- I didn't mean it to sound like that," David said, backing up a little. "You're probably right. You would know better than anyone. I just meant that you do have options. You don't have to compromise on your principles to be happy. I thought you were happy the way things were."