||Justin Nozuka - After Tonight
I bet you thought I was dead~ ♥ .
In a way, I was. Today is my day off and I am fresh out of the shower after a long rest, I've got my feet up on my plush little couch in my stylish little apartment, eating a little breakfast and checking up on things online and listening to the news (my God, it's depressing, yet amusing ♥ ). There's actually a pool downstairs so I think I'll swim a few laps, then read for awhile, shop. Anything to block out my newly acquired habit of thinking way too fucking much.
I've spent too much time thinking about the past and missing what I used to have. There are people I keep hoping to hear from that disappeared so quickly, but that's the way it is. When you can't provive someone with what they want, they have no more use for you. It sounds bitter but it's really not. How could it be? I've been the same way my entire life except for a small, small space of time when I lived for other people. And we all know how that worked out, hm?
I don't know why the fuck I'm even typing this out now. *yawns* I was so~ ready to just fade out as the only "reason" I had for staying around no longer needs me but I guess I had something to say today.
I'm a little vindicated by the quiet even though I had nothing to do with it. It all falls apart so easily~ There's someone else I've been talking to quietly who has learned this too. He's finally learned to stop hoping for more and looking for others you can depend on or someone who understands him best, he's learned to accept reality and be happy with that. He's lucky enough, the little brat, he can be taken care of for the rest of his natural life. In fact, "happy" and "happiness" are just idiotic ideals that keep us unsatisfied with what we have. Deny it all you want but even when you get what you want, you always want more, don't you~?
Those 3 words keep popping up a lot around me lately. I don't hate them and I won't doubt that I'll feel them again but I'll never say them. If it bothers the person I'm with, they're free to go find someone who can spout it as easily as other people can. I've said them too much and heard them too much and it was empty and shallow. It was never love; it was just one of those things. But at least I've gotten over this shit to the point to where I can go back to working for what I want. I'm still at the club and I'll own my own by the time I'm 25 but I will do it by myself.
And if anyone was wondering, no~ I didn't learn my "lesson". I'll still fuck whoever & whenever I want, it's a hell of a lot more honest and satisfying than the conventional. Been there, done that. Burned the fucker down. Had s'mores over the flames.
Mm~ I don't want to be too lazy today, so I think I'll go swim now. If you're alive and kicking, say hello~