It would seem this email is the basis of an advanced network designed solely to entice gods of varying myths and legends. I can never recall any time when I would be considered a god, though I hesitate to assume the system is mistaken. Am I meant to be Hades? Satan? Thanatos? I have heard a dozen names for similar figures, yet none seem to fit. Still, I cannot discount my own abilities. I am clearly not an ordinary man.

Tell me, then: who am I meant to be?

I am not paying exorbitant rates to get internet out here in the middle of nowhere just so I can get spam email. If replying to it is the only way to get them to stop, fine. If whoever is sending them is reading this, then kindly unsubscribe me and go fuck yourself.

I That was strange. I'm glad it's over. I'm glad to see my own bed again.

Everyone got back alright, I assume? All in one piece? No lasting problems?

I finally have an email address to call my own, and my first email brings me here! How delightfully serendipitous.

I think far too many introductions were skipped or cut short on Midsummer. Perhaps now is the time to make amends for that?

So can someone tell me what this is all about? It better not be some kind of vacation condo timeshare thing again, because if it is I'm sorry but you've got the wrong guy.

I'm Chance, by the way. Anyone know what's going on here?

Ah, finally. For a moment, I was worried I might need to exorcize the printer.

I'm Father Leo... Can anyone explain please what I've stumbled upon?

Ok, you win. I logged in as instructed by the e-mail but I'm warning you all now that I'm from Texas, and I know how to shoot a gun so don't try to come after me. My name is Philippa, I just graduated for Texas A&M and since I don't know what you want, I don't know what else to say. I suppose I'll just poke around some and try to see what this is about.

I couldn't figure out how to stop the invites from coming. Even my sister, who's much more tech savvy than me, couldn't figure it out. I don't even know how I got subscribed to this. Is there a way to unsubscribe?

I got this email telling me to login here and it wouldn't go away, so...here I am. I'm Tessa. Pleased to meet everyone!

This is one of the stranger message boards I've seen. I'm not quite sure what it's all about. All I know was I was getting the shit spammed out of me, and getting on here seems to have made it stop. I don't know who signed me up for this, but I hope they didn't sign me up for any others. I'd hate to have to change over emails because of too much spam, I've had my current email for a long time now.

So... Is there... something we're supposed to be doing?

Hey, guys! Remember how I was having those dreams and they weren't in any book? And how you all were doing your best to help me figure it all out? Well, all of those dreams started to be about monkeys. Then everything started to be about monkeys.

My dad is going to just completely die of resignation and laughter over this one. Trust me.

I'm Hanuman.

My ex called me at work this afternoon to announce he wanted his stuff back.

I'm sorry. When you decide to move out unannounced and leave your crap behind, I claim it after 90 days. Everything but the epic stereo system he decided to leave has been decidedly sold and/or given away.

So, after he's been gone for nearly a year, he threatened to sue me. I laughed at him and hung up. I just can't wait for that summons to show up.

I really hate him.

Oh, wow! So I don't know what's going on here but I started getting this email over and over again which usually means the email goes into the spam account but it didn't this time so I opened it. Every single email is the same and they weren't things like "money for widows" or "penis enlargement" or "Who's Who Book" or Match.com. (Which I swear I never signed up for but they send me things, anyway.)

But I figured I should check this place out. If it's somewhere I shouldn't be, well, that's when a hard-drive crash comes in handy!

Hello out there in the interweb void! I'm Javi.