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The Porn Santa ([info]smutmas_mod) wrote in [info]merry_smutmas,
@ 2007-12-12 16:00:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:fic, sirius/regulus, sirius/ron

Merry Smutmas, [info]fluffyllama!

To: [info]fluffyllama
From: [info]goseaward



Title: What Has Been Lost
Rating: NC-17/adult
Pairings: Sirius/Ron, Sirius/Regulus
Disclaimer: *checks* Nope, still not mine, alas.
Summary: Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it.
Warnings: Slightly underage folk, dubious consent, incest
Author's notes: Excessive thanks to my quick beta who shall not be named. :D

His head was just visible above the top of the sofa. Sirius walked closer, a lost memory chasing itself through his mind, biting its tail; Sirius ignored it, as he always did, as he got close enough to look over the boy's shoulder.

Quidditch magazine. Sirius studied it for a moment. It wasn't the kind that flipped to pornography the minute you wanted it to. If they still made those. The Quidditch itself was sexualized, though, full of men and boys with their robes open, flexing their muscles and posing for the camera.

Sirius put on his easy smile, slid around the sofa and onto the edge. "Quidditch? Who's good these days?" He watched the boy's face for some flicker of embarrassment, but there was nothing. Not porn, then.

"'M a Cannons fan," Ron said.

"I thought they were shit," Sirius said, miraculously pulling this fact from somewhere in the back of his brain.

Ron opened his eyes a little wider. Long lashes. They were the wrong colour--wrong colour compared to what? Sirius blinked. Ron said, "They're fun to watch."

Hmm, was that? But no--no flush in the cheeks, no watching for Sirius's reaction the way Sirius looked for Ron's. "That's something, at least."

"I've been a fan since I was a kid," Ron said, almost by way of apology.

Sirius patted Ron's knee, low enough down to be friendly and not anything else. "Let me know if their next game's on the wireless," he said. "I'll listen with you."

"Thanks," Ron said, and turned back to his magazine before Sirius had finished getting up.

***

From the next room, Sirius could hear the sounds of teenagers. It was nice, friendly--he'd been in the house alone too much before the Weasleys arrived. And soon, Harry would come too. Maybe all of them together would be enough to drown out the sounds of memories scrabbling in the back of Sirius's head, lost to him consciously but squabbling like puppies behind his eyes.

Molly Weasley walked in with a cup of tea, steaming and pleasant in his family heirloom china. "Thought you might be thirsty," she said.

"Thanks, Molly." Sirius accepted the cup and took a sip--something sweeter than the tea his mother used to make. Appropriate. Sirius smiled and set the saucer on the bare wooden tabletop, just because he knew his mother would have hated that.

"Remus should be back later tonight," Molly said, taking a seat in one of the armchairs. "Are we getting too noisy for you?"

"No, no--" Sirius noticed the slightly twisted corner of Molly's mouth and realized she was teasing. He forgot sometimes how well they knew him. "Next best thing to going outside."

The smile faded. "You know that isn't safe--"

"Yes."

Molly watched him take another sip. "Harry will be here soon," she said finally.

"Yet more people to drink your excellent tea," Sirius said. "Even served in this old thing."

"I looked for something else, but that's all you--"

"No, no, my mother would never have eaten off anything but the best."

"Ah." Molly glanced at the corner of the room, in the general direction of Sirius's mother's portrait.

"Bone china. She probably would've preferred pure bone."

"Well, she's dead now," Molly said with uncharacteristic malice. Sirius grinned. "Did you have a plan for the afternoon?"

"I thought I'd clean out the third-storey guest room," Sirius said.

"All right." Molly stood up. "I'll send in the boys to help you."

"Thanks," Sirius said, and took another drink of his tea as Molly left. He'd handled that conversation well--he sometimes felt like he was only impersonating an adult, but this time had been all right.

***

"You kept extra shoe horns just for your guests?" Fred said incredulously.

"Your guests always carry them?" Sirius said.

"Your guests used them?" George said. Sirius thought it was George, anyway. He tended to pick an ordering the minute they entered the room and stick with it until they left.

"Magic would work, but you might cut your heel off."

"Oh, right," Fred said. "This was in the ancient days before trainers." He closed the nightstand drawer and went poking around the edge of the bedclothes.

Sirius grinned, or maybe grimaced, as he lined up hangers. "My family would never have worn trainers."

"What did you wear, then?" Ron said.

"Boots, usually," Sirius said. "Sometimes loafers."

Fred and George hooted.

"And a...." George trailed off as he pulled something out of the other nightstand. "Is this a whip?"

"Wouldn't surprise me," Sirius said.

"Never a dull moment, was there?" Fred said.

"Not at your house, either, I imagine," Sirius said. Ron gave him a wide-eyed look that Sirius took as agreement.

"It was always perfectly calm," Fred said.

"Completely," George said.

Sirius sometimes felt like he was watching himself as a young man, only doubled, when he talked to the twins. But he also felt like an outsider--too much of his memories from that time were gone, except the things he'd fought to keep as long as possible, James and Remus and Harry, Harry, Harry. Of course, remembering this house--and his mother--were far too easy.

"I found some papers," Ron said. "Did you want to go through 'em?"

"Yes, thank you," Sirius said. He reached for them. Their fingers brushed. Interesting--since it was entirely unnecessary. Had Ron caused it? Sirius looked at his face, but Ron had already moved on to some other thing in the bureau.

A quick glance revealed some kind of receipts. Who knew why his mother had kept them in an unused guest bedroom. Or maybe Kreacher had hidden them there. Sirius threw them in the fireplace and went back to clearing out the closet.

"Do you want the dust bunnies?" one of the twins said. Sirius turned; Fred was halfway under the bed, arse in the air.

"No, thanks."

Sirius turned, and Ron was watching him watch Fred's arse. Interesting.

"It's so much easier now that we can use magic whenever we want," George said, looking significantly at Ron, who had turned a bit red. "What?" he said, interested, but Ron and Sirius turned back to what they had been doing, and the moment passed.

~~~

"Auntie Dru is here, but Mum says you can't come down."

Sirius flicked his wand at his wall; one of the Muggle photos slid around, her empty unmoving face smiling at him. "So?"

"Just thought you'd want to know." Regulus smiled, a fleeting expression across his narrow face.

"Don't care."

Regulus stepped into the room, came over to the bed, sat down. "I know there's nothing you can do about being a Gryffindor--"

Sirius sighed and fell back against the pillows.

"--but if you'd just be polite, Mum and Dad might treat you better, give you more money..."

"I'm fine, thanks." Sirius decided he disliked the new position, and moved the picture around again. Had to be just right before he stuck them in place permanently.

Regulus shrugged. "I'm just trying to help."

"Trying being the important word, there."

Regulus leaned in, suddenly, so he was close to Sirius's face. "You're going to be in big trouble if things don't shape up soon," he said. His eyelashes were very long over grey eyes, not quite like Sirius's own.

"You're going to be in bigger trouble," Sirius said, "just not with the family."

Regulus drew back. "Fine."

"Fine."

He slid off the bed. "I'll see you later. Auntie Dru brought candy but you shan't have any."

Sirius rolled his eyes as Regulus slinked out, not even slamming the door properly. No sense of drama, that one. And sometimes he seemed so much younger--candy, indeed!

~~~

"Aaaaand that's Maddock with his twelfth goal of the game! Montrose leading the Cannons, three hundred ten to forty. Jones, why is this taking so long?"

"Well, Haffield's not the most reliable player at the best of times, and word is he drank a year's supply of Old Ogden's last night! He probably can't tell which of the four Snitches he's supposed to be catching."

"And Gudgeon?"

"My Galleons're on Haffield for the catch."

Sirius looked at Ron, who was gently bumping his forehead into the table.

"Ron, I'm trying to write," Hermione said from the other end of the table.

Ron raised his head, shot her an evil glare, and then looked at Sirius with a "what can you do?" expression on his face. Sirius smiled in sympathy.

"Did you play when you were in school?" Ron asked.

"No, I just cheered for James and tried to foul up the other team," Sirius said.

Hermione make a tsking sound.

"Do you play?"

"Fred and George do, they're Beaters." Ron took a biscuit from the plate Molly had left. Lowering his voice with a glance at Hermione, he said, "I might try out for Keeper this year, though."

"You've got good reach," Sirius said. "That will help."

"Thanks," Ron said.

"Gudgeon's flying for something!" one announcer said suddenly, loudly. "That's a pretty unusual dive--I'm not quite--"

"He's being chased by a pigeon," the other announcer said.

Ron reached for another biscuit.

"If you want to practice sometime, we could use the hallways," Sirius said.

Ron glanced at Hermione, but she was busy with her book again. Sirius took the opportunity to nudge his chair a little closer. Ron swallowed a mouthful of biscuit. "Mum would kill me."

"Mine would try."

Ron smiled.

"Will I have to tie you to your broomstick to get you to play with me?" Sirius said.

Ron blushed a little--interesting, interesting. Things were looking up. "I think I'll just go outside if I need to practice."

"Oh. Right." Sirius smiled, but it was tight and not as happy as he'd intended. "That's probably a better idea."

Ron nodded and opened his mouth to say something, but was drowned out by the announcer crying "And that's Haffield to Sweeney and--OH NO THAT'S BUMPHING CALLED ON JENKINS!" Ron made a face and reached for another biscuit.

***

A knock at the door. "Come in," Sirius said.

Remus poked his head around the edge of the door, and when Sirius nodded, he walked in and settled into the nearest armchair. A little puff of stuffing fell off the underside. "How are you doing?" Remus said.

"I want to go outside." The slight whine in Sirius's voice was deliberate.

"Padfoot--" Remus's eyes were brown and sad. "Don't do that. I can't lose you again."

"Don't worry. I'm constantly surrounded." Sirius waved a hand, generally indicating the house around him.

"Good."

"Not that it would make much difference to you if something happened to me, with how often you're here."

Remus drew back a little, as if the blow had been physical. "That's not fair."

Sirius sighed through his nose.

"Are your memories still coming back?"

"Sometimes." Sirius smiled. "I remembered winning the Quidditch Cup...I don't know what year it was, but we gave James so much butterbeer he was practically pissing it out as he drank."

"Astonishing it took Lily so long to notice what a gem he was," Remus said.

"We all thought she'd rather go for you." Sirius remembered it as he said it.

"No, she was never quite my type."

Sirius looked at Remus, suddenly, wondering, but Remus didn't seem to mean by it what Sirius had thought he meant. He was seeing ghosts everywhere, these days, of himself as much as other people.

"I can't stay that long tonight," Remus said, "so we should probably head down and eat. I just wanted to check on you." When Sirius didn't reply, he continued, "I'll try to come back more often."

"Thanks."

Remus stood and walked to the door; Sirius slumped in his char and didn't move. Remus turned at the door. "Heel!" he said, uncharacteristically commanding. Sirius made a rude gesture before he stood up to head to the kitchen as well.

***

no, wait, Sirius wrote on the scrap of parchment sitting between them. He took the quill and drew two eyes and a mouth on Ron's sock and his own. Now.

As one, they stuck their hands straight up and wiggled their fingers in the toes of the socks.

"I WILL NOT TAKE THIS INSULT!" Walburga's portrait bellowed above them. "I DEMAND TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE! FILTHY DEFILERS OF--"

Sirius tuned her out. stick your foot up, he wrote on the parchment. Ron levered himself harder against the wall and stuck one betrainered foot into Walburga's line of sight.

"WHO LET THAT FILTH WALK ON MY PRISTINE CARPETS!!"

Her voice had gotten a good half-octave higher. Sirius gave Ron a thumbs up and grabbed the Quaffle sitting between them. He threw it to Ron in a high arc; Ron threw it back.

"THAT WILL NOT TOUCH ME! HELP! HELP! KREACHER!"

Ron and Sirius looked at each other in horror.

Suddenly, Sirius smiled. He grabbed the candle that had been lighting their parchment and held it up just enough that the flame was within view of the portrait. The scream that greeted him probably woke up dragons in China, but Sirius didn't care.

"Sirius Black!"

Molly, though, was someone to be scared of. Sirius grabbed the curtain and drew it across the portrait, kicking Ron out of the way none too gently.

"I can't believe you--"

"Just having a little fun, Molly, won't happen again," Sirius said.

Molly's face froze, torn between anger and pity. Sirius took the moment and ran with it. "I'll see you upstairs for chess later?" he said to Ron and escaped. He'd forgotten how much fun it was to play pranks on people--even a painted sourpuss like his mother.

~~

Sirius awoke to weight on his bed. He had his wand in his hand and at the throat of whoever-it-was before he was fully conscious.

"That's my knee, you idiot," Regulus said from far above him.

Right. Sirius stuck the wand back under his pillow.

"At least you inherited the family paranoia."

"That's comforting."

Regulus settled down next to him. "It should be."

They lay in the darkness for a moment.

"All right?" Sirius finally asked. Regulus hadn't slept in his brother's bed at night since he was a four-year-old with rampant nightmares about toads in full Wizengamot regalia.

"I just got a letter from Snape," Regulus said. "He says maybe next year I can join up." His voice had the same sort of brittle bravado it had had when he declared a year later at five that amphibians in purple robes didn't frighten him at all.

Sirius sighed. "There's something to aspire to."

Apparently cold, Regulus slid under the bedclothes. Sirius felt oddly paternal.

"He'll do great things, Sirius. You should really think about--"

"Why should I follow that sod, when I can be a free man?"

"I'm a free man too," Regulus said.

"You're out all day even though it's Christmas hols. That's just for fun?"

Regulus rolled over so he was facing Sirius. "You'd be out too if your friends bothered to see you at all."

"They don't want to be in this house, even to pick me up. I can't blame them." A blatant lie, but it seemed to annoy Regulus, who flopped back against the pillows, mirroring Sirius.

"And you're scared," Sirius said.

"Am not."

"This is the first time since I got sorted into Gryffindor that you've bothered to speak to me without insults about something other than school."

With acid in his voice, Regulus said, "I'm trying to save you, you idiot. We're going to win."

"Bunch of inbred ponces? I think not."

Regulus didn't say anything for a moment.

"No reply to that one? If you're admitting it--"

"Snape kissed me."

"I'll kill him." Sirius was halfway out of bed when Regulus grabbed his arm. "Right now," he said, even as he sat back down.

"I didn't mind."

"You didn't--"

"No."

Sirius thought of the pictures hidden under his bed, the ones he didn't dare put on the wall even to shock his parents--he'd like to survive to a ripe old age, thanks. "What was it like?"

As it turned out, Regulus couldn't see any better than Sirius could, because the kiss landed somewhere near Sirius's nipple. Well--that could have been the intention, but Sirius didn't think it was. Regulus moved his mouth up, feeling his way with sharp narrow fingers, until he reached Sirius's lips, and then kissed him. Sweet, and yet hot, fire burning everywhere they touched--and wrong--but delicious...

Regulus bit Sirius's lower lip and pulled away.

His voice rough, Sirius said, "Did you come in here to seduce me?"

For a moment, there was no movement at all, and then in a whirlwind of energy Regulus was up and out the door before Sirius could think to say anything at all.

~~~

"Are you sure you want to do that?" Ron said.

"Of course I'm sure," Sirius said, suddenly not at all.

"It's your dignity," Ron said.

"You don't care about my dignity."

"True, but it's less fun to beat you when you're not even trying."

"Who says you're going to beat me?"

Ron smiled and moved a knight.

Sirius moved a bishop and ran his foot over the top of Ron's.

The next move took appreciably longer. Sirius smiled.

"Who taught you to play?" Sirius asked.

"My dad." Ron's tongue was sticking out between his lips a little as he worked. It was cute, and very young--for a moment Sirius was aware of the long gap of years stretching a chasm between them, but he ignored it and in a moment it faded. He hadn't been so much older than Ron when he'd been put into Az--into suspended animation, nearly enough.

Sirius nudged Ron's foot again. Ron's expression didn't change but his face reddened a little, making his freckles stand out.

"Your move," Ron said quickly as he moved another piece.

Sirius reached out for a pawn and felt a brush of toes over his instep. He smiled at Ron, a little wolfish, he was sure, and moved the piece.

"Too easy," Ron said again, mocking, but the colour had reached his ears.

Sirius almost wanted to ask him what he was thinking, if he'd always liked boys, if it was just him, but talking about feelings wasn't something Sirius had ever done, that he knew of, and he was even less likely to do it now. Instead he stroked Ron's foot, more slowly, with more intent.

Ron shifted on his chair a little. Sirius grinned and left his toes brushing Ron's ankle.

With the next move, Ron slid his foot over--closer to Sirius's, not away. Sirius pinned the other one to the ground with his other foot, playfully. Some of the redness was fading from Ron's face, but not all of it. He was restless in his chair, but he wouldn't meet Sirius's eyes.

Sirius moved a piece, and Ron moved one almost immediately. Sirius reached his hand out to grab Ron's, but Ron said, "Checkmate," in a rather choked voice, got up, and left the room.

Well. It was a start. Of what, Sirius wasn't sure.

~~~

"Please pass the salt," Ron said as Snape strode through the door.

The whole table turned to look. "Adults, now," Snape said, holding the door so they could file into the hallway and leave the children to eat in peace. Once they were outside, he closed the door most of the way, leaving a narrow crack.

He was reporting something mundane, though Arthur and Tonks seemed to think it was important. Sirius amused himself by watching Ron through the opening in the door. Ron didn't seem to notice he was being observed, so he was doing cute boyish things, shoving his hair out of his face with one hand, sitting in his chair in a way that only still-growing lanky boys could do, all folded up and made of elbows.

From the conversation of the others, it sounded like perhaps there was work to do. Ordinarily Sirius would care, but he was a bit distracted tonight, and it wasn't as though he'd be able to do anything to help.

Molly was thanking Snape for the news, and they were going back to the table--that had been quick. Snape caught Sirius's arm before he could join them.

"Get your hands off me," Sirius said.

"Which one is it?" Snape said.

Sirius paused. Was Snape--

"You were a filthy pervert before you went into Azkaban," Snape said. Sirius flinched at the word. "I thought it would have been sucked out of you, but I see I was wrong."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Sirius said. It was mostly true--he didn't remember any sex before Azkaban, at least not in a person-specific kind of way. The mechanisms were still there.

"You touch even one of my students, and I will kill you," Snape said.

"You could try."

"Or I could just tell them." Snape gestured at the table, at the happy family gathered there. Sirius paled. "That sounds like a better punishment," Snape said, with relish.

"Like they'd even believe you," Sirius said, putting as much carelessness into his voice as he could. He wasn't sure it was believable, but he strode back into the room and closed the door firmly enough that Snape got the message, but not so much that it disturbed the other residents from their conversation.

***

"You're up late," Sirius said.

Ron looked up from his magazine. "Fred and George Apparated onto my bed. Scared me so much I couldn't sleep."

"If you want me to help you get back at them--"

"That's all right." Ron turned back to his magazine.

Sirius stepped back out of the room, listened. Nobody else seemed to be up. Good. He walked back in, sat down next to Ron on the sofa. Far too close, but that was the idea, wasn't it? It was nearly automatic, even if the exact memories weren't there.

Ron didn't quite freeze, but he was definitely more still than he'd been before Sirius sat down. Sirius reached across him, letting his arm brush across Ron's stomach, to grab another magazine from where the stack was tucked between Ron's thigh and the arm of the sofa. "Mind if I--"

"Go right ahead." Ron stared at the page in front of him.

Sirius flipped through a bit. This one was a catalog, really, of Quidditch brooms. More of the sexualized pictures selling the products. Sirius put one arm on the back of the sofa, around Ron's shoulders, and pretended to read a long advertisement for the latest in the Cleansweep series.

Sirius was good at this, patient. It was automatic, still, but it seemed...right. He waited, and waited, and Ron relaxed more and more. When he moved to turn a page, Sirius moved too. The pages crushed between them as Sirius kissed Ron. Ron didn't respond much at first--probably hadn't been kissed much, poor sod--so Sirius took the lead, prying open his lips and tasting his tongue, waiting till Ron made a noise in his throat to reach a hand down into his trousers. Ron was half-hard already, a good sign, and Sirius stroked him roughly a few times before removing his hands and breaking the kiss so he could shove the magazines onto the floor as quietly as possible and really get Ron's clothes off.

"What are you--" Ron said as Sirius practically ripped off his shirt and moved him by brute force into a horizontal position.

"Easier if you're naked," Sirius said. He had Ron's trousers halfway down his thighs now, and Ron helpfully lifted up his legs so Sirius could get them off entirely. Sirius bit lightly at Ron's ankle, which solicited a moan. He continued biting his way up Ron's legs, finally reaching his groin and now-hard cock. Sirius bit at the skin right above Ron's cock, making him jump, and then took the cock into his mouth.

Ron moaned so loudly Sirius wondered if Molly and Arthur would come running, but thankfully he heard no footsteps. Instead he concentrated on remembering how to do this--where to put his tongue, how to suck just right. Ron's legs were moving aimlessly, and his fingers had a death grip on the cushions. It looked so nice. Sirius undid his own trousers and began to stroke himself.

"Oh--God, I'm gonna--" Ron said breathlessly. Sirius laughed a little--teenage boys were fast, but they weren't that--

A sudden eruption of fluid in his mouth proved him wrong. Well. Sirius swallowed and Ron made a wounded noise. Sirius slowly licked him clean, enjoying the feel of a trembling thigh under his hand.

Ron was lying back against the sofa cushions, eyes closed, breathing shallowly. Sirius slithered up his body and went to kiss him, but at the first touch of lips Ron turned his head. Some guys didn't like kissing after, Sirius thought he remembered. He pressed himself against Ron's body, let his cock slide between the boy's thighs next to his softening cock. He let Ron's cheek rest against his, stubbly, as he thrust into the sweaty skin of Ron's groin. It didn't take too long for him either.

After a few moments, Ron was pushing at his shoulder. "You're heavy," he said.

Sirius noticed, as if for the first time, that Ron had been uncharacteristically quiet. Something didn't seem right to him either--something off, something that didn't line up with the memories in his head, the memories that weren't there--

Refusing to meet his eyes, Ron slid off the sofa and grabbed his shirt. "I should get back to bed," he said. "Mum'll ask questions if I haven't slept enough..."

"Sure," Sirius said.

Ron beat a hasty retreat without even dressing again.

Sirius reflected that it could have gone better, but all things considered, it was a promising start.

***

Ron didn't meet his eyes for three days. Then Harry arrived, and he was happy again--smiling, laughing--except when Sirius was around. Eventually Sirius took the hint and retreated to his room when Harry didn't need him. It was enough. It had to be enough.

~~~

Regulus finally came home the next night long after midnight. Sirius was still up, writing letters in the library, though their parents had long since retired. They probably assumed Regulus wouldn't get into trouble--or maybe they assumed he would, just the kind of trouble they approved of.

"Didn't think you'd still be up," Regulus said when he walked by.

"Writing letters," Sirius said. "And I'm not welcome at family meals anyway, so there's no reason to be up early for breakfast."

Regulus sighed. "If you'd just try--"

"I don't want to try," Sirius said.

"Apparently."

Sirius expected Regulus would continue on, but he just stood there in the doorway. "Can I help you?" Sirius said finally, exasperated.

"It wasn't just a kiss," Regulus said.

Sirius felt himself flushing, which was unusual for him. "It was," he said, "since you left afterwards."

"No, I mean with Snape."

Regulus's face was very open, pleading--for what, Sirius wasn't sure. "I'll kill him," he said again mechanically, but wanting to kill Snape was basically a full-time pursuit anyway, and Regulus took it as such.

"I thought you--" Regulus trailed off. He walked into the room. "Stop doing that."

"Stop--"

"The letter."

Sirius had forgotten he was holding his quill. He set it in the inkwell. "Why?"

Regulus grabbed his collar and pulled him up to his feet. They were about the same height--Sirius maybe a hair taller, but he slouched more. Regulus kissed him again.

When Sirius opened his eyes, Regulus was watching him, pupils so dilated there was only a thin ring of grey visible. They kissed again, wetter, with tongue, and Sirius's hands went to Regulus's shirt as Regulus started to unbuckle Sirius's belt. The soundtrack was nice--soft smacks over the rustle of fine cloth. They weren't going to talk about this, and that was fine with Sirius.

Regulus's cock was bigger than his, which surprised Sirius. He was younger--he shouldn't be--well, strictly speaking, Sirius shouldn't be in a position to know. He ran his fingers along it, and it was shaped like his, but the sounds that fell out of Regulus's mouth gave him chills stroking his own cock never could.

"We--" Regulus's hand reached around back, made a quick possessive caress over Sirius's arse. "Snape and I. If you wanted to try--"

"Don't ever say his name to me again," Sirius said, his voice nearly a growl.

Shocked, Regulus pulled back and looked at him.

"But if you want to," Sirius said. It wasn't even scary, not if it was Regulus.

Regulus swallowed and nodded. "Okay. Bend over the sofa."

Sirius raised his eyebrows.

"Do it!"

Bossy bastard, Sirius thought as he turned. Regulus stepped up behind him and his cock slipped up the cleft in Sirius's arse. For a moment, Sirius panicked--that had to go where?--but then Regulus had moved his fingers below, to circle around his opening, and he murmured something that made Sirius feel slick and very--loose. Two fingers slid inside him, easy, though once they were there Sirius had to try to figure out how to not shove them out.

"Right now--and only right now--I like your friends," Sirius groaned.

Regulus laughed a little and wiggled his fingers. Sirius gasped and grabbed the back of the sofa to steady himself. His cock knocked against the cushions.

"Okay, I'm gonna--" Regulus pulled his fingers out. It was fast, but whatever that charm was, Sirius would trust it; he didn't want to wait. Regulus moved away a little, and then Sirius felt the blunt round broad head where Regulus's fingers had been.

Sirius bit his lip as Regulus pressed into him. It hurt, and it stretched, but it was more shocking than anything, that something that big was inside him. He trembled, trying not to move, worried that any slight change would screw it up.

Regulus shushed him a little as Sirius felt heavy balls swing into his own. Regulus paused a moment, then pulled out very slowly. "Okay?" he said, voice tight.

"Okay," Sirius said.

Suddenly Regulus slammed into him. Sirius realized how much he'd been holding back till now. Regulus was moving quickly, more of an undulation than a thrust. Sirius's cock nudged the sofa again, and he went to grab it.

"No!" Regulus said. Sirius paused, taken aback, and suddenly--where was Regulus keeping his wand, anyway?--ropes shot out from between the sofa cushions and pinned Sirius's wrists down on the other side. Regulus reached around and squeezed Sirius's cock, though, which was an excellent substitute, all things considered.

Regulus's hand was moving in a jerky rhythm not aligned with his thrusts, which had Sirius on edge but not really able to come yet, the signals getting interrupted on their way from his brain to his cock and arse and back. Regulus didn't seem to be having the same trouble, though, what with the way he was--

A gasp at the door froze them both. Sirius couldn't bear to look, but the footsteps walking away and the crying were clearly his mother.

Shame crashed over him like a wave. If it was just him and Regulus, then it was a brothers thing, but if anyone else saw--

He'd gotten softer, but Regulus hadn't, and went back to it with renewed energy. A lurking suspicion grew in Sirius's mind that this was rebellion and not...interest, but he pushed it aside, trying to finish if Regulus would. Regulus slammed in one time, harder, and then something wet and gushy had joined his cock in Sirius's arse. Regulus collapsed over Sirius, his hand still working, making wet noises into the back of Sirius's neck, with his softening cock still holding Sirius open, and a few moments later Sirius made it to climax.

It got all over his mother's nice library sofa.

***

"We would like to talk to you," Sirius's father said from the door of his room.

"I'm sure you would."

"Why are you packing your trunk?"

Sirius closed the lid firmly. "I'm leaving."

The look on his father's face was nearly worth it. He'd thought his father was beyond shock at anything Sirius could do. "At least your destructive influence will be out of this house," he said finally.

"Good," Sirius said. "Then you won't stop me."

A flash of anger, then calm again. "As you wish."

Sirius shrank the trunk and stuffed it in his pocket. "Later," he said, with as much malice as he could, and brushed past his father and out the door.

Walking out onto Grimmauld Place was like finding a new world. That house was corrupting, but he was out of it, out of his family's influence. Now he could concentrate on other, more important things. He turned in the direction of the train station and started walking.


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[info]svartalfur
2007-12-12 10:50 pm UTC (link)
Wow. Your Sirius is perfect. I love how you show him as someone who can't grasp reality, who's imprisoned in his own mind. His interaction with Ron shows his incapability of seeing himself as the grown-up, how sex and playing pranks and sex mixes up in his mind. Fantastic work. Bravo, mystery author!

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[info]entrenous88
2007-12-12 11:49 pm UTC (link)
Oh! Oh oh oh. I just -- wow.

I was totally drawn into this story. Ron's all-elbows blushing and completely earnest boyishness, Sirius's predatory designs obscured by Sirius's misguided sense that he himself is just one of the boys -- such a dangerous combination. I thought the way Sirius was going through his family's home and possessions, accompanied both by his gradual discovery of memories *and* his not-exactly-patient seduction of Ron, worked incredibly well.

I really liked that Snape seemed to be on to Sirius, partly (I think?) because of what Regulus must have told him, partly because of his own resentment of Sirius for a variety of remembered wrongs, but *also*, in however small a part, on behalf of protecting a child that he might not much like, but who is nonetheless his student.

Interesting that Regulus was the one initiating -- it seemed possible to consider his overtures as doubly fueled, both by his estrangement with/desire for closeness with his brother, and by the sense that seduction is what it takes to get someone to join the Death Eaters.

Great food for thought, this!

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[info]emmagrant01
2007-12-12 11:51 pm UTC (link)
Ooooh. This was gorgeous and so perfectly dark. I love a fucked-up Sirius, and you did it so well here that it took the whole fic for me to really appreciate just how fucked up he really was. I really loved the writing in this too -- the details, the humor, the perfection of the dialogue, the way you moved back and forth between the past and present in a way that made it seem like both were happening in parallel in Sirius's mind.

Fantastic!

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[info]moshesque
2007-12-13 12:55 am UTC (link)
This is utterly fantastic. It's wonderful to see such a rare pairing done so well, and so hot, and *flail* Brilliant stuff!

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[info]xylodemon
2007-12-13 12:56 am UTC (link)
This is amazing.

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[info]snarry_fan7
2007-12-13 04:31 am UTC (link)
Marvelous work! I like how you show how much Azkaban screwed with Sirius. I like to flashbacks as well, and Snape being protective of his students (I kind of imagine him to be so anyway).~Sophia

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[info]midnitemarauder
2007-12-13 09:07 am UTC (link)
Oh! On the one hand, I hate seeing him so broken even in that just- or even more-than-slightly-off way, because it's enough to make me want to weep with the loss of so much promise - or to put it in more poetic yet totally cliched words - the dimming of a star. Heh.

Yet even when that part of me protests at the 'wrong', I still can't stop myself from reading because it's so good! He was so beautifully fucked up, and eerily...not resigned to it, but complacent and accepting - that was normalcy to him in a world as fucked up as he was, only in a different way. Being inside his head like that was just as chilling as it was heartbreaking, and I loved your storytelling style. Really nicely done!!

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[info]kayleigh_jane
2007-12-13 09:38 am UTC (link)
This is excellent!

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[info]ariadneelda
2007-12-13 09:56 am UTC (link)
Absolutely wonderful! Great job on both pairings and how you connected both timelines. Poor Sirius. As much as it hurts, I love to see him so fucked up. *g* And I very much enjoyed all the Snape bits. And your Regulus! And Ron. I loved everything about this story. :-)

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[info]fluffyllama
2007-12-13 11:48 am UTC (link)
Oh my god. Oh, just... I don't know what I've done to deserve such fantastic Smutmas gifts, but it sure as hell wasn't in this life. Every year I have been blown away by not only how great they've been but by people's willingness to take on some of the odd pairings I love :-)

And you... I have no idea how you came up with Sirius exactly as I love to see him, but you did. He's just a perfect combination of the Marauder with very few limits on his behaviour and the teenager he shouldn't be any more in a grown up body that doesn't really fit him. I love his missing memories but how his behaviour is just so well-ingrained that he can't change it. I love that you show us how fucked up he is but he remains sympathetic without whitewashing his bad behaviour. We can see he was no angel before, and it hurts (in a really good way!) to see how differently it's interpreted (and *is*) now that he's older if not wiser.

I love the way you tell the story, with past and present fitting together so well, but not artificially. I can't even begin to say how much I love that you managed to include Sirius/Regulus in there as well, because I'm still wibbling madly!

Thank you for also getting my other favourite characters in there. Snape is just perfect, you give him so many motives and reasons for acting as he does that I want to applaud, and the Sirius/Remus lover in me wants to hug them both when they talk here. And the twins too, the shoe horns conversation cracked me up :D

I've been in bed for a couple of days with a bad cold, and this is just what I needed to cheer me up. Thank you, mystery author, for a wonderful Smutmas present! I'm sniffly in a much better way now :-)

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[info]yodels
2007-12-13 04:01 pm UTC (link)
Sirius' confusion and darkness after Azkaban is just so evident here, and his interactions with Ron were just so deliciously fucked-up. Great read.

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[info]snegurochka_lee
2007-12-14 03:59 pm UTC (link)
Oh wow, this is wonderful! I love post-Azkaban, fucked-up Sirius, and you wrote him so well.

He'd handled that conversation well--he sometimes felt like he was only impersonating an adult, but this time had been all right.

That line right there is just perfect, sums up the whole story so well. He's so damaged and crazy but also in perfectly understandable ways, for his circumstances. And I loved the Snape cameo! Great way to work in the hatred between those two. Such a good story!

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[info]melusinahp
2007-12-14 11:36 pm UTC (link)
That was beautifully written and utterly heartbreaking. This is one of the best fics I've read this season. Just amazing. You demonstrated Sirius's complicated psychology so clearly and it tore through me.

I loved this sentence: "He'd handled that conversation well--he sometimes felt like he was only impersonating an adult, but this time had been all right." Of course. Just perfect.

God, I love writing like this that makes everything perfectly clear without spelling it out yet has a powerful emotional impact. I feel lovely and angsty now. *loves you for this beautiful fic*

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[info]geoviki
2007-12-15 03:27 am UTC (link)
This was all about terrific characterization, for me, and a slow, subtle plot to support it. I really enjoyed how you made it work so well together, and the parallelism. Also how Sirius's disfunction just creeps in so carefully and almost casually. Great story, mystery writer!

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[info]coerciveconsent
2007-12-15 03:33 am UTC (link)
Here by melusinahp rec's - guhhhhhh!!!

Brilliant. Utterly brilliant! I loved the mood, how you conveyed a fractured mind, and I think I have a 'getting called out' kink: The Snape accusing Sirius = hotttttt.

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[info]orpheus_samhain
2007-12-15 03:40 pm UTC (link)
Oh, wow! This was excellent! I love so much this half-forced Sirius/Ron. And Sirius/Regulus, when we're not even sure what has happened between them, why Regulus tried to mirror with him everything he did with Snape... And protective!Snape, threatening Sirius... Just wow!

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[info]r_grayjoy
2007-12-16 06:40 am UTC (link)
There's something very sparse and stark about this, yet there's some really fantastic imagery here. I particularly like "memories scrabbling in the back of Sirius's head, lost to him consciously but squabbling like puppies behind his eyes".

Also, I like the fact that it's Regulus who was the one doing the coercing here. Nice switch.

Sirius' life is so bleak; he's gone full-circle, from a young man leaving the "corrupting influence" of his family home, to a middle-aged man who never had the opportunity to truly grow up, thrust back into that same house and unable to leave it again. The way fragments of his memories come back to superimpose themselves over the present is fantastically dark. Lovely, gritty examination of Sirius' mind.

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[info]envinyatar15
2007-12-16 05:27 pm UTC (link)
God I love your Sirius; he's just like I see him post-Azkaban: the man who's never had a chance to grow up and, back in his parents' house, there's no way he can break the pattern. Ron is awesome too, all blushing boyishness, and Regulus and his manipulation. This story weaves together so beautifully, so rich and bleak at the same time - I'm in awe.

Great job!

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[info]kennahijja
2007-12-17 06:34 pm UTC (link)
I absolutely loved this! Sirius/Ron is one of my guiltiest rarepair pleasures, and I've rarely seen it handled as well as this.

I adored Ron here, all provocative looks and momentary want, and him giving Sirius the short shrift after is *extremely* Ron.

And Sirius himself was so gorgeous - I loved the way you portrayed him, a sort of boy's mind in a man's body, having forgotten (and having had stolen) most of the time in between. Never grown up, and never really changing, and very Sirius in his instinct-driven, petulant ways. His impatient 'seduction' of Ron was wonderful. I also enjoyed the Sirius/Regulus backstory, but loved the Ron/Sirius (the new R/S? Just wishful thinking) to bits.

Thanks so much for writing and sharing this!

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[info]xingou
2007-12-18 08:25 am UTC (link)
I have never read Sirius quite like that, and I have to admit that it rings rather more true than everything else I have read. I can't imagine now that Sirius would be any other way after having had every happy memory ripped from him. I am truly impressed. And the habitual stalking of Ron, even though he doesn't quite remember how the whole thing goes was great.

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[info]ziasudra
2007-12-19 12:00 am UTC (link)
This was beautifully written. I loved the way you portrayed broken!Sirius, and the not-quite-rightness between him and Ron in the present, and him and Regulus in the past.

A lovely, compelling read. Thank you, Mystery Author!

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[info]geniusartist
2007-12-25 09:55 pm UTC (link)
What a provocative portrayal of Sirius. There was so much tension between his lapses of memory and his not quite grasp on reality and adulthood. This was a very compelling read. Thank you.

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[info]regarde
2007-12-30 02:06 am UTC (link)
This is so very good! It really hits on a side of post-Azkaban Sirius, that broken, tormented side, that we so rarely really see fleshed out in fic. Wonderful fic!

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[info]ships_harry
2008-01-02 12:05 am UTC (link)
YES YES YES YES YES!!!! Post-Azkaban messed up Sirius, and the weirdness with Ron and Sirius NOT UNDERSTANDING and Ron LETTING BUT NOT WANTING and the background with REGULUS OMG OMG YES PLEASE and the tangled mixed up memories and I loved this so hard and what the hell is it about Sirius/Ron that is so AWESOME and so djkhga;lslkjdf;asdf??????

Things like this:

Long lashes. They were the wrong colour--wrong colour compared to what?

YES.

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[info]alwaysasnapefan
2008-01-31 12:52 am UTC (link)
Everything was so in-character. I just loved it.

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