I hate family holidays. It's not as bad as it used to be. There isn't a mind numbing soul obliterating anxiety about them anymore as there used to be. There's just a dull ache of worry and some slight stomach tremors. Really the worst bit was that I thought I'd probably never have to go to a shin dig like this again. I would go one day, I just would never have to.

I didn't want to talk about where I'd been what I'd been doing and how I was. I'm better but not so well that I can always talk about Zac or Wyoming or what was a fairy tale life that while childish and unsustainable was also beautiful. I just can't talk about it especially with people who don't get it and no one in my family gets it.

Instead I gave short answers and listened to long unending diatribes of how awesome everyone else is. I was glad they were well but I could have done without the jabs at where they were compared to me. I sincerely hope I never did that to them or anyone else, though my successes are so few and far between, I'm sure I've had little opportunity to knock some else further down that way.

In particular my cousin, who works at Fenway went on and on about how boring but glamorous her job was, how much she hated living at home (though she does nothing there but sleep and hang out), and how wonderful her parties and nights out were. I wanted her to be successful. I was prepared to hear about her success and joy so it didn't even sting that much when she kept slighting me and where I was or discarding some of the work I have to do like chores and house upkeep and whatnot.

What did sting was to find out later that her job at Fenway pays $9/hr she works no more than 30hrs a week and she doesn't get benefits. She'd sat there and scorned my retail work as less and demeaning when we make the same hourly rate, I work full time and my job gives me benefits. I don't have an hours commute by public transportation to pay for or anything.

In other more pleasant news my bro got a letter from Mass Maritime and we think it might be his acceptance *hopefully*. I've got to wait for him to come home and open it but I'm super hopeful for him. It's very exciting.

Also, they've finally corrected the comp and literacy portions of the mtels, I should finally have results and hopefully a license on the 9th. Maybe I've be able to pick up some second term work or start vigorously looking for the fall. I'm apprehensive and excited. I don't know what I'll do if this doesn't work and my parents feel strongly I'll need several other back up plans that I'm not sure how to approach but I'll have to figure something out soon I guess.