[Video]
[Karkat is glaring quite comfortably at the camera. He’s sitting on the floor, back against the wall, and very perceptive viewers will notice that he is squatting in Terezi’s home. In fact, he’s currently holding one of her possessions - a purple scalefriend. A couple more of the stuffed dragons are strewn around his feet.]
Hey, asshole. Welcome to Karkat’s ‘Romance for Morons’ show. It’s a one-time special event, just. For. You.
[He punctuates each word by stabbing his finger against the camera. He seems to think he has locked this only to Eridan.]
Now, listen the fuck up. This little lint-stuffed bitch - [He hefts up the purple scale friend] - is you. Right, Eridan? He’s going to represent what you should do in a relationship, and also to illustrate how piss-wrong you are at them right now.
Got it? Good.
Okay, asshole, this is how regular people deal with someone who doesn’t return their flushed feelings, but still wants to be afflicted by this troll disease known as friendship.
[He lifts up a pink scalefriend and sets it so it is facing the purple one. He puts on an obnoxiously excited voice which no-one would be able to tell is Feferi.]
“Oh, Eridan! I am so swimmingly EXCITED to see you! Imagine meeting in this fucking stupid fish-pun plaice!”
[And then an over-exaggerated Eridan-voice:]
“Yeah I knoww fuckin’ unimaginable that. So howw you doin’ anywway Fef?”
[Feferi:]
“GLUB GLUB GLUB EXCITED!“
[And then he returns to his normal voice.]
Yeah, see? Companionable distance, no needy clinging, and also actually fucking asking them how they are. If you only pity yourself you can trying fucking filling a bucket on your own. You gotta pity them as well.
See, this is what you’re like:
[He smashes the purple scalefriend against the pink one and keeps it pressed up beside it even as he moves the pink one away.]
“Fef Fef Fef Fef Fef Fef Fef FefFefFEF hi wwant to be my matesprit Fef Fef Fef FEF!!“
Do you see how mother fucking annoying that is? Shit, your moirail must have the patience of a fucking human douchebag saint. I know it’s tough dealing with this romance shit man but you have to stop being such a douchenozzle about it. Fuck, you are obnoxious as shit with it. So just keep it to a minimum and show them how much you pity them while still being available as a friend and not creepily clinging all the fucking time. Shit, you’ll be staring next, like that blue-blood asshole.
[He drops the pink scalefriend and scoops up a blue one.]
Hey, actually, motherfucking bonus, Eridan. This is your and Vriska’s kismesistude:
[He makes the bluescale friend headbutt the purple one, and, adopting the most nasal, sing-song voice he can muster, says:]
“I haaaaaaaate yoooooooou~”
Whereas a real kismesis would be like this.
[He chucks the blue one across the room and grabs the purple one, sinking his teeth into its belly. He tears out a mouthful of stuffing while twisting its neck.
Spitting out the stuffing, he grins triumphantly at the camera.]
See? Yours is cool for grub hate, but one day you’ll - [He freezes.
There’s the sound of footsteps approaching.
Karkat give a shouted “SHIT!” and kicks the mutilated scalefriend away, scrabbling to turn off the feed.
No, he didn’t double-check that it was locked to Eridan.]