InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I need some sheep shaggin'"

Aidan J. Reilly (redclayheroics) wrote in marinasylum,
@ 2012-02-16 23:40:00

Entry tags:

:action, aidan reilly, helix wamtani

action//closed//late night
"Come home."

[That was all he got before the transmission cut, two words and a tremble in the others voice. It's more than he's gotten in days though, the very sign he's been waiting for and so it's easy to break up camp. Silently he packs up what few things he'd brought with him to begin with, slings the backpack over a shoulder and leaves his temporary residence in the Shelter.

It's late. Cold, but he can't tell if it's the cold that numbs his steps or the dread that's been lurking in his heart. The uncertainty. Confusion. The days apart didn't do anything to clear his mind and that's why he's so quick to go back to Sector 5. To clear things up.

Steps heavy he makes his way up to the apartment. Contemplates knocking on the door, but in the end just slips in. Lets it slide shut behind him, before dropping the backpack to the floor. Small breath. Stretch of silence, and then he speaks up. ]

Helix..?

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bluemoondog
2012-02-16 11:35 pm UTC (link)

[He'd worked up the courage to send that message and now all he had left was to wait. But he couldn't very well keep still and ended up pacing back and forth in the kitchen. What would he do? What would he say? Back to the same questions that plagued him since his release from confinement.

Before he knew it there was the sound of the door clicking shut and Aidan speaking his name. He froze and stared out into the living room. He couldn't see the other boy from where he stood, which was for the best as he tried to collect himself and respond. So many emotions were mixing around inside him it was hard to find a proper way to even address him.

So he ended up quietly stepping out into the doorway and standing, one hand on the door frame for support. He studied Aidan with mild disbelief, he wasn't so sure he'd come home at all but here he was. He felt relief and pain at the same time. "Talk to him" echoed in the back of his skull but he couldn't find his voice to even say hello.]

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redclayheroics
2012-02-16 11:47 pm UTC (link)

[The silence is deafening. This is another reason why he hasn't made any attempts at contact himself - he doesn't know what to say. What's waiting for him, how to handle it and what started as a desperate need to not be here has grown into a monster all on its own. He wants to sort this out, he just doesn't know where to start.

Even in this dim light it's clear to see that Aidan hasn't slept well, which in itself is unusual. A little worse for wear, worn and weary. His eyes land on the younger boy and for a moment it looks like he's about to break that silence, lips parted and almost forming words... but nothing comes.

He shifts his weight. Makes a move to kick of his boots, stall for time before venturing into the apartment. Hesitant. Unsure. Ready to get punched in the face.]

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bluemoondog
2012-02-17 12:04 am UTC (link)

[ He can't help but to watch and pick up the subtle signs of worry. He knows Aidan, and he knows that he wouldn't lose sleep over nothing. But the fact that he can't find anything to say to him either, how he just seems to ignore it and go on... it hurts, more than he'd like to admit. His mind jumps to the worst conclusions about everything.

But making his own assumptions just wouldn't work anymore. He had to hear it from the other boy. So just when it seems like both boys are at a loss for words Helix finally speaks up, bowing his head and closing his eyes. His fingers bite into the wooden frame, other hand balling into a fist.]

Why did you leave?

[He's shaking a little, all the frustration, the worry over being abandoned and everything else just feeling WRONG was starting to bubble to the surface though he tried to keep it in.]

W-were you punishing me? Why? Just-- [His throat threatened to close up on his words and he swallowed raggedly.]

Just tell me why?

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redclayheroics
2012-02-17 12:25 am UTC (link)

[The question stopped him dead in his tracks, like the crack of a whip - he may even have flinched, he couldn't tell with the way his heart was twisting under that tone of voice. The way it choked and cracked and if he'd known it was this bad he never would've left, or at the very least he would've come back sooner. It's too late to think about now either way.]

I wasn't tryin' to punish you. [Eyes on the floor, ashamed. It hurt, to hear that Helix thought he'd even be capable of such a thing.] I just... I couldn't--

[Up until now he'd been submissive. Passive, struggling for words but now that they've started it's easier. A small pause, and then his head whipped up, green eyes locked on Helix and agitation coloring his voice.]

I couldn't stay here an' pretend everythin' was fine, okay?! I didn't leave you, I left th' apartment because I couldn't stand bein' alone in it! [Sharpness crept into his tone. Hurt.] I figured you'd call when you came back.

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bluemoondog
2012-02-17 01:33 am UTC (link)

[His eyes snapped up to Aidan, brow furrowing at the sharp tone and coloring his expression with confusion.]

The hell was I supposed to think? You didn't try to call me? Find me? Talk to me. I'm sure you could have even come to the HQ to see me.

I never heard anything and then I come home and you're just... Just GONE and I'm supposed to assume that's NORMAL? That you weren't pissed off at me to the point you didn't even want to see me?

[ He shook his head.] I thought, no, he'd have left a note or ANY sign... but you, you were just gone without a trace.

[His eyes closed shut tightly again.] I could only think, god I've lost him for good this time. I've upset him over a stupid prank and he left.

Everyone else was pissed at me and I hid it from you so I thought... I just thought... [He was shrinking, trying hard to fight back the emotions from before, everything washing a new from when he'd first walked through that door and found the apartment empty.]

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redclayheroics
2012-02-17 01:38 am UTC (link)

[There's so much to say and he had a perfectly good defense waiting at the tip of his tongue, thoughts finally lining up into something that almost made sense. But then Helix said something. A thing he probably should've asked about during the last few days, but never did. A detail that, up until now, had gone by completely undiscovered.]

Prank..? [Toneless disbelief. He didn't know.]

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bluemoondog
2012-02-17 01:43 am UTC (link)

[Pause to look up and try to decipher just what sort of disbelief was coloring the others tone. There'd been plenty of others that scolded him for his prank even if no one got hurt.]

Yes Aidan, Prank. I planted a fucking stink bomb in the HQ, that's it. NO ONE got hurt and I never intended it either. The only blood shed was mine. [He lifts a palm where there was a small cut healing from where he'd grabbed and struggled against Axel's blades.]

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redclayheroics
2012-02-17 01:59 am UTC (link)

I didn't know.

[Voice cracking. Just a little and mostly out of relief, out of all the things he's tried so hard not to think about over the last few days, the fact that Helix would go out of his way to potentially hurt or kill people just for fun is by far the one that weighed him down the most. ]

I... I didn't know. I didn't even know anythin' had happened until late an'... they never said anythin' about that. So I just...

[Feeling incredibly stupid now. He shifts his weight, uncomfortable, eyes dropping to the floor again.]

I waited. Just in case, I knew you weren't home but I thought, maybe... it wouldn't be th' first time, y'know? So I waited all night an' you didn't show, so I went out. An' when I came home... you still weren't here. I didn't know what to think, but Helix... I swear, I wasn't leavin' you..! I just... couldn't.

[Small pause to pull himself together. It's been a couple of rough days.]

I didn't want t' think you'd done somethin'. Not without knowin', and I didn't want t' hear it from anyone else. It had to be you. So I figured... maybe you were out with someone. Maybe you'd come back, an' then you'd call an' ask where I was an' you'd think I was an idiot but it'd be alright. Or... or maybe...

[Grasping at straws instead of coherency, but he doesn't care. Aside from a few words to Lacus he hasn't even acknowledged that this happened to anyone but himself, and with her he didn't have much of a choice. So it's rambly, comes out in bits and pieces and chances are Helix won't even follow what he's saying. It still needs to be said. He can puzzle it together once it's out.

He draws a breath, finishing the disjointed train of thought.]

People disappear all th' time here. An' as long as that was a possibility, I couldn't accuse you of doin' anythin'.

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bluemoondog
2012-02-17 02:20 am UTC (link)

[He fell silent, wounded hand dropping to his side as he studied the other. He was still confused about what exactly was going on here, but there was some weight lifted off of his shoulders.

Scratch that. A TON of weight lifted off of him when he listened to the other go on. To think that... out of everyone here, he couldn't bare to place blame, even when he deserved it. The other boy only thought the best of him and where it twisted his heart and stirred warmth in his chest... it made his stomach turn. He didn't deserve this. At the same time he wanted to cry. The boy was only trying to prevent being like those vigilante's.

Except this time he really HAD done something to warrant everything.]

You idiot. [He muttered halfheartedly and dragged his ball across the floor. He moved around the corner and slid down to sit against the wall, knees drawn up and head bowed. He ran a hand through his feathers.]

What is this about? [All this... couldn't stand to be alone in the apartment crap? He couldn't quite wrap his head around it.]

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	redclayheroics 2012-02-17 03:48 am UTC (link)
	What's what about..? [Not following, not quite but the atmosphere in the room seems to have changed enough for him to move, break out of the frozen spell Helix put on him. He moves cautiously, tension still evident in his shoulders as he sits himself down on the armrest of the couch. This is better. Now they can sort things out.] Are you askin'... why I left? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	bluemoondog 2012-02-17 04:26 am UTC (link)
	Why you were freaking out so much that you couldn't even stand to be here alone? [He could guess, honestly, but it would make more sense if Aidan just explained his feelings about things. It was better than jumping to more conclusions.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

redclayheroics
2012-02-17 04:36 am UTC (link)

[Oh. That... kind of stings a little. Wasn't it obvious? Then again, Helix didn't always understand perfectly normal things because he never had a perfectly normal life and so Aidan does what he can to explain.]

Helix... I haven't even been here a week, an' you just... disappear without a word. [Small pause. He turns his gaze away.] I figured it out. That you posted somethin', you actually... you went public with it. With what you were doin' - that part someone told me, but even more so... you hid it from me. You actually went out of your way t'make sure I wouldn't find out.

[He raises his head again, shoots Helix a pained look.]

What did you expect me t' think..? One moment we're fine an' th' next you're gone.

[Sounds familiar? Twice in two weeks, man. Home and here.]

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bluemoondog
2012-02-17 04:44 am UTC (link)

[To Helix this is just... a place. It's not a home yet, has had the chance to have any real sentimental value. They'd only been there for a few days so it doesn't make sense to him that it'd disturb Aidan any to stay here.]

... Because I knew you wouldn't approve of it and would try to stop me. [ He won't outright admit that just Aidan speaking up against his plan would have ruined it all together and he would have never followed through. He wanted to. But to know Aidan would be against it would make him less likely to be able to do it.]

Hey. Waitaminute. I left you a note. I had EVERY intention to get back to you as soon as I could it just didn't work out that way. You can't hold that against me! [Frowning.]

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redclayheroics
2012-02-17 04:56 am UTC (link)

What..? I'm not talkin' about that! I mean... yeah, it sucked! It sucked so bad, but I got it. It made sense an' I was willin' to wait for you t' come back, I was waitin' because you left to do somethin' important!

[Getting riled up here - these are two completely different things and the fact that Helix left a note over something important but didn't over this horseshit... that's what hurts the most. What he can't wrap his head around. Sure, he wouldn't have approved of the scaring-people-half-to-death part but the prank itself..? That may just have gone by un-vetoed.]

But this... was this really so damn important that you couldn't even talk to me..? A stupid prank...?

[Voice faltering, squeezed off. He's tried so hard to not cry over this, for the very same reason as he's tried so hard to not make any assumptions. Pass no judgment. He didn't know what happened.]

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bluemoondog
2012-02-17 05:12 am UTC (link)

Yes! Okay? I couldn't talk to you about it. Just like you couldn't stand to wait for me. Or see me. OR FUCKING TALK TO ME at all.

[He threaded his fingers in his feathers, tugging slightly. This was so frustrating.]

Jus--JUST SUCK IT UP ALREADY! There are plenty of things I can't tell you. That's just how it is.

[Almost as soon as he spat it out he wanted to take it back. Words hanging in the silence that followed as he swallowed raggedly, as if that would help them to disappear before they could reach Aidan's ears.]

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redclayheroics
2012-02-17 05:25 am UTC (link)

[He very nearly reaches up to press a hand against his chest, just to see if he's bleeding. It sure feels like he should, after that stab to the heart and for a good long while he can't do anything but hold his breath and swallow and swallow and swallow in hopes of dislodging that painful lump in his throat.

Suffocating. It's not really working.

He bites into his bottom lip just to keep himself from crying, hard enough to taste blood on his tongue and it's still only barely enough. He won't make it, that much is certain and so he pushes himself back to standing, movements carrying something frantic. Like he can't get out of the room fast enough.]

Okay. Fine.

[There's so much more he could say but it's a damn miracle that he gets that much out, words resembling shards of glass in his throat. He walks off then, urgency in his steps but instead of going for the door he heads towards his room. Slips inside. Shuts the door.

He's not leaving but like hell he's going to cry in front of Helix. He wouldn't give him the satisfaction.]

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bluemoondog
2012-02-17 05:40 am UTC (link)

[He can feel it happening as he watches Aidan crumble before his eyes. He gets no satisfaction out of doing this, none at all. It just a much a stab in the gut to him as it is to Aidan. He slowly starts to stand, reaching for the other as he moves.]

A-Aid-- [He stops himself as the door shuts and he draws back as if he's been wounded. What starts as a tremor builds into a shake before he explodes and punches the wall a few times. He backs away dragging his ball and chain angrily toward the couch. He flops over on it, unwilling to go in his room and be too far from the door just in case Aidan tried to leave for good. He couldn't let him... he wouldn't.

Meanwhile he was just going to hate himself and curl up into a ball, wracking his brain once more for what to do or say. He fucked this up. He fucked this up so much and he couldn't even figure out how it derailed so fast. He's just not cut out to care about people.]

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redclayheroics
2012-02-17 06:09 am UTC (link)

[The lock on the door barely has time to click into place before he crumbles, silent tremors grabbing firm hold of his body. It's not just this, this is just the latest thing in a long string of events that he never got a chance to process properly but the metaphorical cup has finally been filled passed the brim and now he can't stop crying.

He stumbles into the dark room, finding his way to the foot of the bed by whatever light that shines in through the window. Once there he sinks to the floor, back pressed against the wall and head bowed between his knees and then he just lets go, fingers twisting in his hair.

He's scared. He's scared and alone, a million miles from home and it's only just now starting to sink in. What he's done. What he got himself involved with. The possibility that he may have put way too much faith in Helix, that no matter how much you want something the world isn't that easy to change. That he won't see his mom again, ever. Won't even get to call her or send her a letter, won't get to tell her he's alright. That he's sorry.

That he's no longer sure if it was worth it.

After what feels like hours, but probably is something closer to minutes, he claws his way back to the surface, stubbornly sniffling and wiping furiously at his eyes. Enough. He may have needed that but crying isn't going to change anything. It's not going to fix anything and although he's not sure if he's capable of sorting this mess out he should at least stop bawling about it.

And change his clothes. Too much snot.

It's around now that he realizes that he left his backpack out by the door, and as much as he'd like to just stay in there until morning and sleep the whole thing off he knows that's not an option. At the very least he should go get his things, and whatever happens between here and there... that's up to fate.

And so Aidan sneaks out into the living room again, door creaking some on its hinges. He doesn't need a mirror to know he looks a mess, eyes puffy and cheeks flushed and so he bows his head and slinks off, despite being fully aware that Helix is right there on the couch. It's cowardly, but it's all he can handle right now.]

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bluemoondog
2012-02-17 06:27 am UTC (link)

[Everything over the last few days, even shit he's been dealing with the last few weeks on top of barely sleeping, worrying, just EVERYTHING has him so worn down. He practically sobs himself to sleep right there on the couch, but the sound of Aidan's door opening and shutting drags him out of unconsciousness.

He's suddenly acutely aware of the boys footsteps and when he realizes where they're going he bolts upright out of his coiled mass of miserable boy. He practically jumps to his feet, forgetting for an instant that he's attached to a heavy ball and chain.]

Aidan! No! Wai-- [Utter desperation and panic is in his voice, but it's soon cut uncomfortably short as he practically trips over his own feet. More so, the weight of the ball catches him off guard and stops his movements short, causing him to fall forward painfully onto the floor. He groans, feeling his last shred of strength utterly shatter and it's as if that damn restraint has broken his will to pick himself up.

He crumples, utterly pathetic, forehead pressed to the carpet, fingers twisting, clawing into the floor as he sobs. He's partially trying to drag himself forward, while lacking the strength or proper motor function through his despair to honestly get anywhere.]

P-please... d-don't... don't leave.

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redclayheroics
2012-02-17 06:46 am UTC (link)

[At first he's determined to not be drawn into this whole thing again, to say something that'll cut it short, push it off for morning, but that cut-off word and dull thud as Helix hits the floor effectively makes all of those stubborn thoughts disappear. Aidan turns in his tracks, heart wrenched painfully at the sight and oh God he can't.

He can't leave it like this. He needs to fix this, he will not rest until it's fixed. That's all.

That urgency is coming back full force as he hurries across the floor, falls to his knees by the other without even taking time to slow down and it's a damn miracle that he doesn't skin his knees in the process. Even if he did he wouldn't notice, all that matters to him right now is to make it alright and so he reaches for the other, slipping his arms around his ribcage or chest or wherever he can, pulling him into a desperate embrace.]

I'm not, I wasn't goin' to-- I was just gettin' my bag... oh God, I'm so sorry Helix... I'm not goin' anywhere, alright? I promised, remember?

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bluemoondog
2012-02-17 03:51 pm UTC (link)

[His breath catches in his lungs as Aidan practically dives to the floor next to him and scoops him up. He shifts into the embrace, twisting himself around so he can wrap his arms around the other. He clings to him, fingers twisting into the fabric as he just buries his face against his best friend.]

I ca-can't... I can't... I'm so-s-sorry. [Those pained words could mean almost anything. He can't let him go, or live without him, he can't deal with him being gone, he can't stop, or maybe he can't believe his promise, he can't tell him things even though he wants to... there were a lot of things he felt like he couldn't do.]

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redclayheroics
2012-02-17 04:18 pm UTC (link)

[He shifts his position as Helix moves to cling to him, wrapping his arms tighter around the younger boy and practically pulling him into his lap. It's awkward and desperate and seven shades of pathetic but he doesn't care because this is as honest as Helix has been with him since he arrived. Perhaps as honest as he's ever been.]

Shh, it's okay... it's okay, I'm here. I ain't goin' nowhere, alright? I'm not leavin' you alone.

[He's repeating himself, rambling, softly cooed stream of words practically bypassing his brain on the way out but it feels right and so Aidan does what he always does. He follows his instincts.]

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bluemoondog
2012-02-17 06:39 pm UTC (link)

[If this had been any other time he might have punched Aidan for cooing him like a frightened child. But all things considered he was scared, horrified at the thought of losing Aidan. You truly never know what you have until it's gone and he'd already lost Aidan once. When he first arrived he's come to terms with it, he dealt with it even if the pain was near crippling he'd keep going. But when Aidan appeared... he felt like he got a second chance. So if he lost him here? When he was HERE. He just couldn't bear it.

He also hadn't been able to figure himself out or come to grips with his emotions. All of these feelings were muddled and twisted around inside of him, mixed with all the good and bad things he'd been through so recently. Everything confused him but all it took was a chat with Reid to realize one important thing.

He loved Aidan. It may be glaringly obvious to some, considering how he treated him or what the thought of losing him was doing to him. But it wasn't something he was so familiar with to have figured it out. He was afraid... afraid to lose him because he'd lost the one other person he'd loved and then... well, he went through hell shortly after.

He doesn't want to hurt Aidan. He doesn't want to be the reason the boys life goes to hell. But he was hurting Aidan more by not telling him, wasn't he? He was tearing them apart by hiding what he felt.]

I-I didn't mean to--I never wanted to hurt you. [Finding his voice was hard and it still broke or he had to draw a sharp breath in between to fill his lungs, but the words were there. He breathed for a moment, trying to calm himself down to get all of this out. Maybe it was high time he expressed himself some so Aidan could understand.]

I-I know... You promised but... I just... [It was so easy for him to doubt it. So many have lied before and it wasn't that he didn't trust Aidan, it was just that... he didn't trust fate or it was hard to believe he could have something that good, that true.]

I don't deserve you so it's so easy to believe I could lose you. [He swallowed hard,] And... part of me worries I should just leave you alone. I'm afraid of what I'll do to you.

I-- [He stumbled, fingers tightening their grip.] I already lost someone I loved... because of... because of shit I've done and I ... I just can't lose you too.

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redclayheroics
2012-02-17 07:30 pm UTC (link)

[He listened in silence, practically held his breath throughout the shuddering confession and at the end of it he doesn't know what to think. He gets it, sort of, but everything surrounding Helix is so difficult and complicated and Aidan's never had to think about these things before. He's only been doing and following his emotions is second nature to him - his moral compass has always been perfectly steady, like a rock.

Sometimes he doubts that Helix even has one.

One thing is clear at the end of it though, and that is that he cannot falter. If anything he needs to be even steadier in his resolution than he was before, even more stubborn and hard-headed if only so he can prove once and for all that he's not going anywhere. He's not entirely sure how to do that, last time he almost got himself killed in a steamy bathroom and trying to repeat that steadfast and stupid point doesn't seem like the right thing here. It's been done.

Besides, there's something different about this struggle. Back then he was fighting just to be his friend, but this doesn't feel like that at all. They are friends, aren't they? And friends... friends love each other in some ways, that goes without saying but Helix said it and it makes him wonder. It always makes him wonder, being around Helix can be so confusing and ever since he arrived he's been trying to put a finger on what they are.

Friends... right?

Despite the way his heart aches Aidan can't help but smile, a warmth spreading through his chest as he tightens the embrace a little more. It's okay, he's not going anywhere and they can always solve anything that comes in their path, as long as they're together and trying and fighting. Again, there's so much he could say about all this, but in the end he settles for a single word that perfectly sums up this whole situation.]

Idiot.

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bluemoondog
2012-02-17 08:08 pm UTC (link)

[He tenses slightly at that one word, frowning a bit and maybe taking it too seriously. Deep down he knew that Aidan hadn't meant it to insult him but... he couldn't help it. He'd been called that too many times in the last few days to not take some offense. Plus it ...really wasn't the first think he was expecting as a response to his confession. He just poured his heart out and being called an idiot, even if it wasn't meant that way, is a little... out of place.]

Shut up. I am not. [But he could only pout and fluster a bit, burrowing in a little more and hiding himself against Aidan.]