Current mood:	satisfied
Entry tags:	fic: pg13, project: a decade of ssrl

On Again, Off Again
Title: On Again, Off Again
Pairings: Snape/Lupin
Rating: PG-13? It’s probably lower as everything is only implied but I’m being careful.
Author: azure_rosa
Warnings: unfavourable opinions of Sirius Black and Albus Dumbledore, rather odd perspective with a passive voice and no dialog.
Summary: Severus and Remus have been an on again off again couple since their school days. They both love each other but they never get the chance to tell each other before they get torn apart again. But neither can they seem to leave the other alone…
Disclaimer: If you think any of these characters are mine please tell me what world you live in so I can move there posthaste! Inspired by and title taken from Trent Willmon’s: “On Again Tonight” is not mine but I wish it was! :D
Author Notes: This is yet another experiment. Please let me know what you think of it. As always concrit is welcome! :D
Beta: countesszero

On Again, Off Again

Sentience is an odd thing. I have been aware as long as I can remember, yet I know I must have been unaware at some point. I have few memories before the Founders summoned me to breathe life into the magical castle they wished to house their school and protect their students. I had been an elemental spirit before I was summoned but constant exposure to so much magic and so many humans with their short, little lives changed me. I was no longer capable of watching my charges with indifference, though sometimes, when I saw them hurting each other or die too quickly and too young, I wished I could.

My sentience was overlooked by most of my charges. It is amusing how little attention humans grant magical items and structures most of the time. Even the many headmasters I had been tied to, famous for their knowledge and wisdom can’t fathom how much I really am aware of. Only when they return after the end of their lives in the form of brush strokes on canvas to aid me in my endeavour to protect the future generation of wizards and witches do they realise the extent of my powers. But then of course, the magic of the Founders prevent them from speaking out.

I have a long and accurate memory, every student or teacher that has ever passed through my halls I know as my own child, though I would be lying if I claimed to not have any favourites. Young Remus and Severus came to my attention for different reasons. Both had already had hard lives and I suspected that would continue for years to come. Yet the thing that caught my attention most was the way their magical signatures seemed to resonate with each other. It was rare, but when two people have resonating signatures they are drawn to each other. The last such pair I knew of were Dumbledore and Grindelwald. I hoped this pair would fair better than they had.

I noticed their feelings for each others before they did. I believe it began when they were in their fifth year, mere teenagers just over their first crushes. The lonely Slytherin, Severus Snape and the shy Gryffindor, Remus John Lupin, were partnered in one of their classes, Defense Against The Dark Arts. As they had to take their O.W.L.’s this year there were higher requirements for my boys and many projects they could tackle together in one of the quiet alcoves in my library.

Very soon the lonely, outcast Slytherin found himself fascinated by the quiet Gryffindor boy. Remus, as is often the case with young boys in general and Gryffindors in particular, was clueless that the strange affection he was harbouring for his sullen and dark classmate was returned for several months.

If they would have stopped to listen I could have told them, whispered to them in their dreams what a long and painful road was lying ahead of them.

I doubt they would have listened.

*****

It was nearly Christmas break before they both finally realised that the other reciprocated the affection they harboured in their hearts for each other. Seeing the two I’d come to care for like a parent finally kissing each other with joy and love made me feel even more protective of them. As often as I could I used the magical stairways and corridors of this school to misdirect the friends of the Gryffindor to keep them safe together while they sealed their attraction with the first of many kisses.

Christmas break saw the quiet Gryffindor’s friends along with most of the school leave for their homes allowing the boys to spend much more time together. Suddenly the number of watching eyes was drastically reduced allowing the black haired, Slytherin outcast and the quiet Gryffindor to be less aware of their surroundings. Their love bloomed but still they refused to speak the words as if they feared verbalising their feelings would make them disappear like smoke in the breeze.

*****

I had hoped I was wrong in thinking that the boys that I had come to care for would face severe, disheartening struggles, not only with the world, but also with themselves, and consequently with each other, but I was proven right not long after. I had never wanted to be wrong more.

I was not surprised that the one to tear my boys apart was a friend of the quiet Remus, a boy from the same house named Sirius Black. He was not sweet, gentle or studious like his housemate, but rather obnoxious, loud, and brash.

My boys had become careless in their delight in each other. One day Sirius Black saw them together, kissing behind the Greenhouses. The mix of emotions emitted by this boy was confusing. Betrayal I understood as he believed his friend had chosen the Slytherin, whom he viewed as a mortal enemy, over himself. I also understood his fear as he thought he was being replaced in the heart of the Gryffindor. But it was curious that he felt such a burning possessiveness over this quiet boy although he did not desire him.

Once Remus left to prepare for his change, Black approached Severus with false helpfulness. I listened with growing horror as Black goaded him; I knew exactly what he was doing and realised he did as well. He wanted my Slytherin to be hurt badly or even killed by his own lover. My anger was directed at Sirius Black but not at him exclusively. How sad it was that Remus could never bring himself to tell Severus of his curse, an omission which it seemed would result in his love’s death.

My awareness encompasses the entire grounds but I only have the ability to manipulate things inside my walls. The castle is my flesh and blood you see, my arms and legs. I chaffed at the limitations my creators and those who maintained me had placed upon me. I was all but impotent; I could not stop my Slytherin from going after his lover as he was outside my circle of influence and the Headmaster, the only human who was able to really hear me was not within my walls so I could not summon help in advance.

I was pleased to find the other friend of Remus, a cocky, confident Gryffindor boy wandering under his Invisibility cloak on the third floor. Once found it was easy to direct him down towards the entrance hall. I merely convinced him he heard someone say his name on the next floor down, moved the stairs he snuck on to and directed him forcefully to the hall just as Sirius Black entered. As I had hoped the sudden appearance of his friend looking entirely too smug caused the Potter boy to reveal himself and interrogate him. Once Black told him about his “prank” Potter immediately ran to the rescue of the Slytherin.

*****

As I had feared the lie of omission between Remus Lupin and Severus Snape caused a rather bad break up between my boys. They both still loved the other but were too proud and hurt to admit it or act on their feelings. The Slytherin was full of pain and betrayal over Remus not sharing his secret with him, a hurt only compounded by learning that his friends had already known for years. Remus was hurt by the betrayal of Sirius Black, who he had thought to be his friend, but also at being abandoned by Severus. Over the next two years I tried multiple times to make them speak to each other by opening and closing passage ways to direct them towards each other, but to no avail.

Before long they both graduated and my hope for their reunion had dwindled. I thought I would never see either of them again, as is the case with most of my children, but a mere three years later both were once again within my walls.

Severus Snape had returned many times before to talk to Headmaster Dumbledore who also acts as my counterpart: Only he can directly communicate to me and I can influence his thoughts, make him know my presence. When Severus first arrived I had to restrain him from acting foolishly. He never did understand my absolute faith in my outcast Slytherin, but he knew enough to trust my judgment on the subject. The reports Severus brought were invaluable but included much talk of cruelties perpetuated by The Dark One and his followers which gave me cause to mourn many of my children on both sides of the conflict.

Finally the war was over.

The sudden end to all the death and destruction was disorienting to all of my inhabitants. To release tensions and help everyone adjust to the idea of peace again the headmaster decided that after all the pain and sorrow his personal order of fighters needed a chance to celebrate their temporary victory. A large feast was organised in my Great Hall; it was hardly a traditional feast in that almost no one sat still for more than five minutes at a time. People wandered from group to group asking after friends and family. Many received saddening answers to their inquiries, causing tears and consolation from both parties.

Only two did not participate in the mingling; my boys both sat alone quietly as though in shock over recent events. I, less than gently, nudged the Headmaster into speaking to both in an attempt to break them out of their stupors. His interaction managed to pull both of them out of their heads and into the world around them though they still looked lost.

Severus Snape noticed the presence of his former lover first. His emotional reaction proved to me unequivocally that he still loved Remus. He immediately fled the party seeking refuge in the connecting antechamber since the Headmaster had, with only the slightest nudge from yours truly, preemptively spelled all the exits to keep him from escaping the party too early as was his tendency.

It was Severus’ haste which caught Remus’ attention. I could sense Remus’ emotions just as clearly. He was torn between going to Severus to comfort and commiserate with him and letting him go as he clearly did not wish for company. As he thought he stood up and with the slightest nudge of my flagstone under his feet towards the room Severus Snape had fled to he began to walk.

I was briefly concerned I might need to direct someone to break them up before they actually began to physically fight, but right before such a step became necessary they were in each other’s arms crying for their loved ones and each other.

*****

Morning found my boys tucked in Severus’ bed. I was elated they had become lovers again but my joy was a pale shadow of their own. They both fairly glowed with happiness at their reunion. They started over fresh and spent much of their free time visiting each other on my grounds. Severus Snape was staying as he was under his teaching contract for the rest of the year though they often spoke of plans for when his contract ended. More than once they were nearly stumbled upon by students or staff though I managed to redirect most. Unfortunately my boys’ happiness only lasted until the end of the semester.

The Headmaster saw them together in the last three weeks of the school year during a quiet moment by the lake. My boys were lying in each other’s arms staring at the stars and talking about what they wanted to do once Severus Snape had completed his contract. This innocent moment drew forth so many negative emotions in the Headmaster I half expected him to have a heart attack. Rage, vindictiveness, horror and bitter jealousy rushed through him. He did not interrupt them and I doubt my boys even realised he was there as they were so caught up in each other.

The next day the Slytherin was called to Dumbledore’s office unexpectedly. My boy had calmed significantly since the fall of the Dark One and his reunion with Remus and while he would never be considered a charming individual he was much less abrupt and angry these days.

The Headmaster may be a Gryffindor but he puts Slytherins to shame when it comes to manipulating others. Through our connection I knew his intent to tear my boys apart so as to make my Slytherin a more efficient spy, make him think it was his idea, agree that it was truly necessary and “for the greater good”. I could always tell when the Headmaster was being deliberately manipulative, which was quite often, because sooner or later that phrase would enter the conversation. To date no one had come up with a valid reason to oppose him when he invoked this concept. Which, I think, is why the Headmaster was so surprised Severus Snape did not immediately concede to him once his ace in the hole was played.

Severus railed and fought against the Headmaster’s orders for many hours, sometimes trying to use his formidable intellect against him, other times shouting abuse. Severus looked worse than I had ever seen him; his very soul seemed to be screaming its vehement denial of deliberately hurting and driving away his other half. As the argument wore on I could see Severus was slowly losing hope. Dumbledore was ruthlessly driving home the point, telling him continuing his relationship with Remus would only draw unnecessary attention to him. He drew upon Severus’ fear and protective feelings for Remus to convince him that abandoning his lover now was the only way to protect him.

Severus pled with the Headmaster to be allowed to continue at least until the next war was clearly brewing, unshed tears in his eyes and a heartbroken tremble he tried to hide in his voice. He openly begged for the opportunity to be happy with the one he loved, if only for a while. The Headmaster refused steadfastly. Associating with Remus Lupin would draw as much attention from The Dark One’s followers if not more. Even if Severus broke it off with his lover before the war resumed Remus would be targeted as someone the enemy could use to manipulate his spy.

The Headmaster told Severus if he truly loved Remus he would break his heart now, driving him as far away as possible, thus keeping him safe beyond all suspicion of the devotion he claimed to bear for his lover. To do otherwise would be to sign his death certificate at the hands of The Dark One and it would be all Severus’ doing. It was this final argument which broke through Severus’ objections. With generous application of brandy laced tea and false sympathy the Headmaster soothed Severus through his decision to break Remus’ heart.

*****

Severus Snape left my grounds the instant the semester ended and did not return until the day before school was to resume. He broke their relationship off with Remus the next time they spoke. He was deliberately cruel in his dismissal, correctly assuming that nothing else would have the desired effect on the one who loved him so dearly.

If only Remus had managed to see through the tears he so gallantly but unsuccessfully fought he might have noticed the pained expression that briefly flickered across Severus’ face as he forced himself to be cruel to the one who held his heart. If only he could hear through the sounds of his heart breaking and his subdued sobs Remus might have heard the waiver in Severus’ voice as he broke both their hearts at once. I willed Remus to see and hear the signs that all was not as it appeared, but to no avail.

After Severus’ convincing act was completed I watched as Remus brokenly assured his former lover that he would never inflict his clearly unwanted presence on him again. Remus left Severus’ rooms and walked like a dead man through my halls and out of my sight trailing tears and a soul-deep hurt I thought he might never recover from. Far behind him I watched my Slytherin collapse in an identical state, not moving for hours, sobbing not for his own pain, but the pain he had deliberately caused the one he loved.

Albus Dumbledore had a long summer filled with evidence of my anger over the pain he caused my boys. I was, unfortunately, incapable of causing him any true damage due to the restrictions magically binding me to him, but I was more than capable of tormenting him in other ways. I released bursts of the wild magic the children produced in his rooms and office, tripped him when he least expected it and made sure he knew every time any student was out of bed after curfew even if they were in no danger. He found his candies disappeared no matter what he did to safeguard them, the elves no longer served his favourite dishes and all of his socks seemed to develop holes overnight. I would randomly lock him out of his rooms some, the shower would try to freeze him out and frequently my stairs refused to take him where he wished.

I believe I made my point.

*****

Time passed, as it is wont to do, and I thought I had seen the last of Remus Lupin. He stayed away for years as he had promised; though I hoped he would recognise Severus’ duplicity and return. My poor Slytherin became more sad and bitter with every passing year. He had always been a harsh taskmaster, his craft demanded no less for safety, but his duty to protect his charges grew tinged with cruelty, especially towards those in love.

When the Headmaster was searching for a new Defense teacher after that Peacock Lockhart’s abrupt memory loss and the shocking news of Sirius Black’s escape from prison I felt the time was right for a certain werewolf to return to my halls. Who better to out-smart the traitor and murderer than his former friend who knew all his tricks? I sent this plan to Albus Dumbledore in his dreams. It is entertaining how he still thinks only he is capable of manipulation.

What I did not tell Dumbledore was my hope for my boys’ reconciliation. I knew Severus still mourned his lost chance of happiness with Remus, but at that time I was not sure if the same was true for Remus. The welcoming feast proved to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was correct. My boys could not keep themselves from looking at the other with a sad longing in their eyes when they knew the other would not see.

I tried my best to have them talk to each other. They ran into each other on patrol on an almost nightly basis and I made sure they got stuck together waiting for my stairs to shift many times, all to no avail. They looked and longed but neither was willing or able to bridge that gap. There were many moments, alone in the dark together that they would subconsciously lean towards each other as though drawn against their will to be closer. Sometimes I thought one would finally speak or even just kiss the other and begin to heal the hurt, but it never happened.

Severus began to accuse Remus of working with Black during an encounter in the dark. He likely could not see the expression on Remus’ face but I know he saw the flinch such an accusation caused his former lover. Whether or not Severus realised it, he was grasping at straws, fighting to keep himself from reaching out and reclaiming the man he loved, thus negating all the pain he had caused in a desperate bid to keep his love safe.

My boys danced around each other all year, so close and yet so far. The final straw was the second Shrieking Shack incident. I knew the chasm between them was too wide for them to trust each other. Severus’ doubts were too strong and Remus was not confident enough to reach out to him.

Once again Black proved to be the wedge between them. At least this time around it was not his intent. The night ended much better than could reasonably be hoped for considering Remus’ un-medicated state. The truth was revealed and no one was physically hurt, but emotional hurts were a completely different matter.

When the curse on the DADA position became effective once more Severus tried to fight it, hating the thought of being used as a puppet yet again. He dreaded the pain and harm such information coming to light, from him of all people, would certainly cause Remus, but the curse had latched on to him as its executor. Severus could only be relieved that the curse didn’t demand his love’s death.

Remus was hurt by the lack of trust his former lover expressed, not to mention what he saw as his love’s third betrayal, the exposure of his secret. Severus was hurt by what he saw as his love siding against him, and worse, with the one who had tried to kill him so many years ago.

Once again Remus left Hogwarts with a soul-deep pain and once again Severus stayed behind, broken in his wake. The war was stirring; even the youngest of my children felt the disturbance. How anyone could deny the brewing war was beyond me, but deny it they did, their emotions tinged with the desperation of children hoping if they ignored the monster it would go away.

*****

Severus was called upon more and more to act as Dumbledore’s spy, coming back tired and miserable on a regular basis after another meeting with the Dark One’s followers. I do not know what happened during those visits but he always returned weary and depressed. The strain he was under began to show clearly even before the return of the Dark One, but after that he became a mere shell of himself.

If he had someone, anyone to go to for understanding and comfort he might have fared better, but he was isolated from everyone on either side, forbidden from opening up to anyone about his role. I watched with growing sadness as his eyes became dull and he seemed to lose any impetus he had retained. I warned Dumbledore that his precious spy could not handle much more of this abuse, but he ignored me. “For the greater good” is a concept devoid of meaning, a mere platitude when it drains men of their very souls and gives them nothing in recompense.

When Harry gave Severus the message regarding Black he showed more life than he had in months; he got to his rooms as quickly as possible and immediately contacted Grimmauld Place. Remus answered promptly, shocked to see Severus in a state of near-panic calling for Black of all people. Black meanwhile of course overheard the conversation and took off after his godson despite everything either Severus or Remus said to discourage him.

It was not until all of my children returned to me that Severus and I heard about the death of Sirius Black. I watched as Severus realised his Gryffindor had no one in the world to turn for comfort left, no one who would soothe him as he mourned the passing of his friend, and no one who would care for him. Remus had no one and nothing left to lose just like Severus, but unlike him Remus had no goal to strive towards, no reason to keep on living, no purpose. He was right to be worried; when he called Remus he looked like he had after Severus had spurned him years ago: broken, tired and hopeless. It was the shock of seeing his love brought so low that granted Severus the courage to reach out to him after so long apart.

Severus broke down and confessed his duplicity to Remus, from being afraid to trust him again after the incident in the shack and his orders from Dumbledore. All was revealed in a rush, almost like a dam breaking after a flood. Severus never once asked for absolution, only that Remus understood that he cared, that he wanted nothing more than for him to be safe, that he could not live in a world without him.

Severus could not look at Remus after his confession. He waited meekly for the scorn he thought he deserved. Remus mutely watched him throughout his confession and the following silence, his eyes never wavering from Severus’ face. This time he was not blinded by his tears nor deafened by his sobs and he clearly saw the distress his former lover tried to hide from him even now.

Remus stepped through my fireplace in a rush to embrace his love properly for the first time in far too long. Finally both were brave enough to speak their love instead of merely cradling it to their chests, hidden from the world and each other. My boys spent the night soothing each other’s pain and reassuring themselves no matter what happened they would no longer have to face it alone.

Yes, I could have warned my boys about the long and painful journey ahead should they choose to open themselves to love, but if they had not travelled that far and long they would never have been complete.

fin