Current mood:	lethargic
Entry tags:	project: a decade of ssrl

In pursuit of you
Title: In pursuit of you
Pairings: Snape/Lupin, briefly implied Harry/Ginny
Rating: pg-13? implied sex
Author: azure_rosa
Disclaimer: If you think any of these characters are mine please tell me what world you live in so I can move there posthaste! Brief reference to the Bohemian ideals from “Moulin Rouge” and I got the idea for this ficlet from the song “Little Red Rodeo” performed by Collin Raye which is also not mine. You do not need to be familiar with the song for this to make sense.
Warnings: Mild Angst
Summary: Remus and Severus are in a “no strings” relationship until Remus decides he wants more.
Beta: countesszero who remains the beta of awesome. All remaining mistakes are mine.


Remus and I struck up a casual arrangement immediately after the war, though neither of us can quite remember how it happened. We both got drunk at the Order party celebrating the end of the war. We talked, I think, and I remember vaguely that I found him witty in a blunt, but amusing way. I cannot be sure of course, but I think we talked to no one else that evening.

The next day I woke up and found Remus Lupin in my bed.

It was awkward at first, because we could feel the after effects of a rather enthusiastic round of sex, yet neither of us remembered the actual event. I jokingly observed that clearly an encore was in order and was quite shocked when Remus enthusiastically took me up on my facetious offer.

Although Remus said that morning he had to be somewhere by noon, he stayed until clear into the afternoon. I paid no attention then, but now I remember: He was reluctant to leave and I was reluctant to let him go.

After only one day he Flooed and before he had even asked I invited him over. It was good to have company.

Soon we fell into a comfortable routine. I believe we both felt too adrift after the war to commit but felt too vulnerable to not bother. We already knew compatibility was not an issue. We visited each other daily to share dinner, some days sitting together for hours reading and talking before we would engage, others pouncing the instant we saw the other. Though we did not advertise our arrangement people knew and we made no effort to deny their suspicions.

We continued on quite happily for over a year before things got complicated. At some point Remus started to act oddly in my presence. Considering we had been screwing regularly for quite a while I found his behaviour puzzling to say the least. After about a week of this nonsense he asked what seemed like an off-handed question after a rather intense round: “Do you think we could ever become more to each other, Severus?”

I pretended not to understand and merely looked at him.

“You know, a proper relationship, living together, love…” Remus’ voice trailed off suddenly.

It took me a while to answer.

“I do not believe in love. I am satisfied with our arrangement, but if you are not then you are more than welcome to leave.”

Remus tensed momentarily next to me as if surprised. I assumed then the fact I wasn’t interested in a conventional relationship with him or anyone else shocked him. Gryffindors always were fond of their romantic ideas: truth, beauty, freedom and love. All of them completely impracticable concepts.

“I see, thank you for your honesty Severus.” Remus said, his tone stiff and slightly cold.

Thinking that was the end of Remus’ flight of fancy I left it alone.

The next day Remus didn’t show. I tried to just brush it off but it made me nervous. The conversation we had yesterday and the peculiar way he had been acting during the last days and weeks came to my mind.

Usually Remus would join me in my rooms every night an hour after classes ended for dinner, conversation and a round or two of sex. Over an hour after Remus usually arrived I decided I would not sit in my rooms quietly fuming like a spurned lover any longer.

I grudgingly walked to the teacher’s entrance of the Great Hall, hoping in vain that no one would notice my arrival. I needn’t have bothered. As I entered all conversation at the Head table immediately stopped so they all could gape stupidly at me. I hadn’t eaten in the Great Hall for over a year aside from the banquets served for the holidays and other special occasions and even on those rare exceptions Remus joined me.

Minerva was the first to recover. She greeted me politely though I did not miss her furtive glance behind me as if she expected, hoped even, to see Remus hiding in my shadow. My colleges briefly tried to pretend they weren’t desperate to question my change in routine but their restraint didn’t last long.

“Is Remus ill today?” Minerva asked.

“Not that I am aware of.”

“Trouble in paradise Severus? Don’t worry, Remus is quite attached to you, he’ll come round.” Pomona chimed in with a reassuring tone.

I gritted my teeth.

I had expected the questions and comments, but they only seemed to make me more aware of the hurt I felt at Remus standing me up. I knew they meant no harm, yet I felt like each well-meaning inquiry merely twisted the knife in my chest a bit more.

My appetite was completely gone. Like a sulky student I pushed my food about my plate for about half an hour before Sybill Trelawney seemed to come out of her sherry-induced stupor long enough to notice my presence and the stir it was causing. She is incapable of not throwing out one of her vague warnings or premonitions whenever the opportunity arose, thus I was unsurprised when she decided to interject: “I, for one, am not surprised by the romantic discord in this castle.” She continued in her self-important, “seer” voice, “Mars and Venus are at odds with each other in the heavens, tearing weak lovers apart with the greatest of ease!” She looked at everyone who could have possibly heard her, rather loud, announcement and was obviously affronted by the lack of response.

After dinner, I found a note left for me on my desk. Realising it was from Remus I immediately assumed it would be an apology for not showing up with an explanation and suggested rescheduling.

Severus,
I’ve had time to think about our conversation yesterday. I’ve come to the conclusion you and I have completely different desires regarding our arrangement. Thank you for being there for me over this last year, unfortunately what we had is no longer enough for me. Clearly you have no interest in permanency and I find that is what I want more than anything. I relinquish my place in your life and bed.
May you be happy with the person of your choosing,
Remus

He was leaving me.

It took a long time until I understood that in fact Remus was serious. But Remus didn’t leave people; he held on until the bitter end and then had to be pried off. It had been that very trait that had convinced me he would be an acceptable partner. How had this happened? This went against everything I knew about Remus.

Why wasn’t what we had enough for him? After all of the demands placed on me during the war I had always felt there wasn’t much left of me. How could I be expected to give away what little had remained of my life? Why couldn’t he be happy with such a simple, perfect arrangement? What about it was so objectionable to him?

I had never behaved coldly towards him, quite the contrary, I believed that I had always been kinder towards him than anyone else. We had enjoyed each other’s company both in and out of bed so why muss our agreement up with complications? Emotional attachments are nothing but trouble waiting to happen. He of all people should have understood this.

I tried to catch some sleep, but my thoughts kept returning to Remus; our, now broken, arrangement, our last conversation and the letter. Finally I decided to start brewing the Infirmary’s potions. The school year was to end in two days so they would likely not be needed until the following year, but I required a distraction.

Brewing had always been my one fool-proof way to get out of my head. Yet tonight it was not up to the task. In the middle of pouring spring water into the Blood-Replenishing Potion I found myself lost in memories again.

That first morning when we had woken up together, Remus had been so eager. He had touched me so reverently, like I was special, important, worth taking his time with. Now that I thought about it, Remus had always touched me like that, even in the depths of our joint passion.

So why had he left me? He seemed satisfied with the situation until this last week. Did he meet someone new? My chest hurt at the thought. That must be it; he thought he could do better elsewhere so he dropped me like a broken toy. I had no hold over him so he was free to leave without an explanation. It never occurred to me I would want that kind of hold over Remus, but now I realised I did. It was too little, too late; the story of my life.

Realising classes were due to start in three hours I went to prepare for my day. Finals managed to distract me from my thoughts for a few hours. I caught several students attempting to cheat in a variety of ways as usual. Soon the day was over and I was once again alone in my rooms without the prospect of a visit from Remus to break the quiet.

Had my rooms always been this quiet? They were never quiet in the evenings when Remus was here. He was always talking to me or humming to himself; groaning his pleasure at my touch or even just breathing. I had never known silence could be deafening. My rooms were not large, but they felt empty without him.

The silence eventually drove me out of my rooms which I had viewed as my sanctuary for so long. No longer were my quarters a safe place to hide from the world; now everything about them reminded me of Remus and drove home his absence.

I fled to the Teacher’s Lounge, a place I usually avoided aside from mandatory meetings, in desperate search of someone who would break the silence ringing in my ears. Minerva was the only person in the room. She took one look at me before she demanded I sit and share tea with her. A generous portion of the “tea” was scotch, but that seemed more of a relief than anything. We sat together quietly for nearly half an hour, draining half a dozen cups each, before Minerva finally spoke again.

“What is troubling you Severus?” Her tone was concerned.

“What makes you think I’m troubled?” Damn, I might as well have just admitted I was with that reaction. Now Minerva would be convinced something was wrong and poke at me tirelessly as a cat does a mouse until I confessed.

“Well, let me think,” Minerva began sarcastically, ticking off each point on her fingers, “You came to dinner in the Great Hall for the first time in over a year aside from the special banquets. Remus did not come with you as he always does when you can be bothered to attend dinner. Even your students noticed something was going on since you did not give your usual end of the year speech regarding your disdain for their intellectual level and disregard for your subject. Last but not least you came to the Teacher’s Lounge, which you profess to hate, at a time when you usually would be in your rooms with Remus.”

Minerva’s voice finally lost its edge, slipping into concern again. “Severus, what happened? Maybe I can help somehow.”

“Meddlesome, old cat,” I muttered darkly and knowingly just within Minerva’s hearing range.

“Snarky, acidic bat,” she rejoined without pause.

“Curiosity killed the cat, Gryffindor!”

“But satisfaction brought it back, Slytherin!”

I sighed, “You cannot help Minerva. He’s gone and I doubt he has any desire to return.” I suspect she heard the unspoken “to me”. My voice was emotionless and weary. Not surprising as I hadn’t slept at all.

“Let me be the judge of that. Tell me what lead up to this, maybe together we can find a solution.”

I told Minerva briefly about Remus’ change in behavior leading up to the odd conversation. I showed her the letter I still had in my pocket from the evening before and told her of my suspicion that he had found someone new. As I talked I watched Minerva’s expression waver between amusement and exasperation.

“Idiot boy,” she said fondly. “He left because he loves you.”

Remus loved me? My chest suddenly stopped hurting momentarily only to start again as reality crashed back down around me. Unlikely, I’m not lovable. I’m acerbic, antisocial, sarcastic and occasionally cruel, but not lovable. Why would he love me?

“Doubtful,” I sneered, “besides if he loves me why would he leave?”

“Because, foolish child, he thinks that he knows you do not return the sentiment.”

“‘Thinks he knows’, Minerva?”

“Well here you are, pining for him in his absence, quite obviously I would say.” She smirked at me fondly, like an amused parent.

“I am not pining for Lupin!” I snarled defensively.

“Really,” Minerva asked with a skeptically raised eyebrow, “what would you call this behaviour you are exhibiting then?”

I had to stop and think about that question. I was not “pining” because that would mean I was attached and vulnerable concerning Remus and the whole point of our arrangement had been to avoid that variety of nonsense.

“I’m no longer accustomed to solitary living.” I stated. “I am merely attempting to readjust.”

Minerva just looked at me with that fondly exasperated look I’d seen her shoot at her students when they were trying to lie to her and she wanted them to know she wasn’t fooled in the slightest.

“Of course you are Severus.” She banished the remnants of our tea to the kitchens and stood. “If you ever decide that is not why you are acting so oddly, come and see me again, I might be able to help you find Remus.” With that the Headmistress swept from the room.

Remus had told Minerva where he would be? That must mean he had finally vacated the old Order headquarters. Where would he go? I racked my memory for anything that might give me a clue.

Remus had once mentioned that he still owned the cottage he grew up in. He had never said where it was precisely and it was very likely warded to protect people from him during his transformations. Even if I knew where the cottage was I would be unable to Apparate there.

What was I even thinking? I was not going after Remus! He had made his position quite clear and I neither needed nor wanted him in my life. I continued to ignore my heart’s protests.

The idea of returning to my cold, quiet and empty rooms did not appeal in the slightest so I patrolled the corridors while I attempted to work out my thoughts. I usually trusted Minerva’s council but not tonight. I found myself doubting her interpretation of Remus’ actions.

Why was Minerva so sure Remus loved me? Female instinct? Gryffindor solidarity? Had Remus told her? Or did I somehow miss a clue that she picked up on? Maybe she knew what signs to look for and I, being too involved in the situation, may have missed the obvious.

My sleep, when I finally surrendered to it, was fitful. Snatches of dreams clung to my mind like a devil’s snare. I was searching frantically for Remus. He was close enough for me to hear him calling out for me, yet I never managed to catch him. I woke feeling as if I had spent my night running through a fog filled forest rather than sleeping in my comfortable bed. My chest was aching.

As I went through my morning routine my mind drifted back to the conversation I had with Minerva the night before. She never spoke in absolutes without sufficient evidence to back her conclusions, yet she asserted confidently that Remus loved me. I had to be missing some crucial detail. What could I possibly have missed that she would have noticed? I turned this thought over and over again in my mind throughout the lengthy Graduation ceremony.

I finally decided the best option would be to ask Minerva directly. After the celebratory feast I walked back with her to the Headmistresses’ office. Minerva took one look at my face and poured us each a double scotch.

“Have you figured it out yet? Do you believe me?”

I glared at her superior tone and remained silent.

“I’ll take that as a ‘no’ shall I?”

“Why are you so sure?”

“That Remus loves you?”

I nodded sharply.

“Have you really looked at the letter he left you or have you been too busy analysing the words to notice the most important part? Look again Severus, this time at the paper, not the words.”

I pulled the ever present letter from my pocket. I had read it so many times I swore I could recite it from memory but I had never paid any attention to the paper itself. It wasn’t until my eyes reached the bottom of the sheet that I noticed several irregular spots in seemingly random places. The paper was warped in these vaguely circular places almost as if moisture had dropped nearly straight down deforming the paper as it dried.

Remus had cried while writing this note.

“Tear marks?”

“Yes,” Minerva replied in that patronising tone I would have never put up with from anyone else.

“Do you have any other reason for believing he loves me or is this,” I gestured at the tear-stained parchment disdainfully, “the best you can do?”

Minerva turned a small photograph around that had been sitting on her desk so I could see it properly. It was a picture I had never seen before, but I immediately remembered when and where it had been taken. Remus and I were sitting near each other at the order headquarters during the party celebrating the end of the war.

We were both clearly engaged in our conversation, turned to face each other as best we could, already more than a little tipsy. It was Remus’ expression which caught my attention most; his face was more open than I had ever seen it. He was practically glowing as he smiled fondly at me. His amber eyes danced merrily in the firelight and I was clearly the only thing he saw. No one had ever looked at me like that before.

Affection, admiration and interest all aimed at me that night over a year ago. Now that I acknowledged the possibility of Remus actually caring for me the little voice gleefully pointed out countless instances when Remus had looked at me exactly the same way. As if I was special to him.

Remus loved me. What I had done to deserve it I had no idea, but it was clearly written across his photo’s face as well as in my memory.

“Now do you see, Severus?”

“It changes nothing.”

“Ha! If that is true why were you so interested in evidence?”

“I merely wished to understand. If anything this makes his motivation for leaving less clear to me than before.”

Minerva pinched the bridge of her nose as if trying to ward off a headache. “Severus, you are quite possibly the most hard-headed young man I have ever had the misfortune to meet! Remus stayed so long because he thought one day you might chose to show your own feelings as openly as you did the night this was taken. You trampled those hopes and then act shocked when he did the only thing that made any sense.” Seeing my quizzical expression she continued, “Look at yourself.”

I looked again at the photograph. My image appeared relaxed, comfortable and obviously content to bask in Remus’ obvious attention. My body told a tale of languid repose, yet my face contradicted it. On anyone else I would have called the expression shamelessly beguiling and more than a touch smug. I clearly understood the unspoken desires reflected in Remus’ eyes and not only was I open to them, but I was encouraging the pursuit whole-heartedly.

There was more than just lust in my eyes; there was a tenderness I had never seen in them before. I looked at him as if he could make me happy.

And he had. He had made me happy, I had just been too careless to realise.

I suddenly knew why I was so interested in knowing how Remus felt about me, why I was so upset over him leaving, why I had a horrendous pain in my chest at the thought of not seeing him every day, of never being allowed to hold or touch him again. I loved Remus as much as he had loved me.

What had I done?

Minerva cleared her throat. I’d forgotten she was even in the room. “Well?” Her tone was gentle, “how do you intend to fix this mess, Severus?”

“I do not know if I can. I doubt he wants to see me, Merlin knows I would not if I was in his shoes.”

“You will never know unless you try. At this point what do you have to lose? You know he wants and loves you. The only obstacles remaining are finding him and grovelling sufficiently. Knowing Remus the fact that you went after him at all could very well be the only apology he requires.”

“I do not even know where to look.”

“Ah, but I do,” Minerva rejoined with a smug smirk. As she seemed disinclined to provide Remus’ location I snarled at her.

“Minerva,” I warned.

“Fine I shan’t tease you; I ask only one thing in exchange for pointing you in the right direction.”

I glared at her suspiciously as she paused, drawing out the suspense of her demand just to watch me squirm. Minerva never could resist playing with her prey.

“Go to him and never let him go again.”

“Assuming Remus will take me back.” He had to, I do not know what I would do if he turned me away.

“Last time I saw Remus he said he was going to go see Harry for a few days before he moved back home. Do you need Apparition coordinates?”

“Hardly. Are you capable of seeing the brats off to the station without me for once?”

“I think, under the circumstances, I can permit you to abstain from seeing the students home this one time. I fully expect to see neither hide nor hair of you for a month while you reclaim your lover’s affection properly.”

“Banished from the grounds am I?”

“Quite, see you in the autumn Severus. Do send my regards to Remus.”

*****

Potter had purchased a rather average looking house in the middle of the Forbidden Forest after the war had ended. The numerous deadly creatures that lived in the surrounding forest served efficiently as his guardians from admirers and reporters alike. He had joined the Aurors and, if Minerva’s sources were accurate, would propose to the littlest Weasley any day now.

I walked up to the front door, pleased to note the wards The Order had put in place were still there and had even been augmented with Potter’s own magic. He had finally learned to keep himself safe. My authoritative knock quickly summoned Potter to the door, his expression at first hopeful but upon recognising me his face fell.

“Damn it Snape, you couldn’t hold out one more day could you? Now I owe Hermione ten galleons!”

I narrowed my eyes.

“Explain,” I demanded sharply.

“Um… well, Hermione wagered ten galleons you would start trying to find Remus in three days or less.”

“Who else wagered on my private life?”

“Ron and me.”

“And your wagers were what respectively?”

Harry blurted out something that was quite fast and barely distinguishable as actual words.

“Mr. Potter I shall not ask you again!”

“Ron bet you would be too proud to chase after Remus and I bet it would take you less than a week but more than three days.”

“I see. Is Remus aware of or involved in your little wager?”

“NO! Remus is convinced you wouldn’t chase after him because you don’t care that he left and wouldn’t listen to any of us when we tried to tell him differently.”

“I see.”

“You are here looking for Remus, aren’t you?”

“No Potter, I came to inquire after your health.”

“Right, stupid question, I can only point you to Hermione, she grants access to Remus’ property and maintains the wards during his change.”

“You aren’t going to try to delay me to win your bet?”

“No professor, I refuse to be the reason Remus is alone for any longer than necessary.” Potter proceeded to direct me to Ms. Granger’s cottage so I could enter Remus’ wards. I nodded my thanks and began to walk away only to be called back.

“One last thing professor,” I paused and turned to look at the young man I had protected for so long, “Remus is the closest thing to a father I have left-”

“Let me guess, if I hurt him, you will kill me?”

“No, you are possibly the only person still alive that can truly understand all he has been through. Please take good care of him.”

“If he will still have me I fully intend to.”

*****

Ms. Granger’s cottage was nestled deep in a forest in Wales. It was a rather practical home, no decorations in the yard or flowers, though I saw several potion’s ingredients and cooking herbs growing.

I knocked insistently on her green wooden door. She answered promptly and looked positively gleeful for a moment when she realised I was at her door.

“Why hello Professor! Come in, can I interest you in some tea or anything?”

“That won’t be necessary Ms. Granger, I assume you know why I am here.”

“Oh. Yes of course, you want to get Remus’ in time for supper no doubt.” Ms. Granger chanted and waved her wand at me before tapping the blue stone pendant she wore around her neck.

“Here,” she said, handing me the necklace, “This will take you to him, just hold the stone in your left hand and say his first name.” I nodded my thanks. When I turned to leave she called me back. “Professor?”

I stopped to look back at her.

“Take care; you both deserve to be happy.”

I walked to the edge of her wards before I activated the Portkey and soon I found myself in front of a sturdy but worn cottage. It might have once been painted white, but time and weather had yellowed the paint to an uneven crème. The trim and the door was a dark, unpainted wood and the garden had grown wild.

I don’t know how long I stood there staring at that little cottage.

Would Remus welcome me when I knocked or would he, quite rightly, slam the door in my face? There was only one way to find out.

My knock was much more tentative than usual. What would I say to him if he answered? I had just enough time to be shocked by my complete lack of planning when the door opened. Remus looked about as good as I felt, sleep deprived, listless and heart sore, yet he still managed to be the most welcome thing I had seen in days.

“Remus-”

“Did I leave something behind?” Remus’ tone was inhospitable and his eyes cold and sharp, like he no longer cared.

“No, you took everything.” Including my heart.

“You came to gloat then.”

“Why would you think that?”

“You’ve always jeered at those who wear their hearts on their sleeves. One of the Marauders was foolish enough to fall for you so … that should please you even more than usual. Go on then,” Remus said resignedly, spreading his arms as if presenting himself as a target for my vitriol, “there is nothing you could call me that I haven’t already called myself.”

His eyes were so sad.

“Remus I-” unable to come up with anything sufficient I patted his folded note in my pocket. I knew every word he had written by heart, but that hadn’t kept me from carrying it around like some sort of talisman. I pulled it from my pocket, held it up for him to see and asked the question that had been bothering me since I found it.

“Why?”

“Why what?” Remus snapped. “Why did I leave? Why did I tell you in a note? Why do I care for you?” Remus’ voice was bitter; my words had clearly hurt him at least as much as his leaving had hurt me.

“Yes.”

“I left, Severus, because I finally accepted things would never change between us. I am many things, but a masochist is not among them.” I have frequently heard my surname snarled nastily at me, but hearing my first name said in such a tone by someone I had come to realise I loved was like being kicked in the solar plexus. It hurt physically; I felt like I couldn’t breathe and maybe never would again. Remus’ voice grew even and almost apathetic, his expression softened from a scowl into a polite mask. I almost missed the vitriol because it showed he still actually cared about me enough to be angry and hurt. “You told me to leave if I was not “satisfied” with our arrangement, so I did. I left you the note as a courtesy so you would know I didn’t plan to return. Caring for you was not planned or even wanted. Our “arrangement” suited me just as it did you, at least at first.”

“What changed?”

Remus’ smile was bittersweet and his voice soft, almost wistful: “You did. I came to you one night, about seven months in, and you were in a positively foul mood. The Ministry had just turned down your contract to brew the Wolfsbane for them so they could dose all of the registered were-creatures. They put you off with a vague excuse but you knew it was because of your past allegiances. You raged and stormed about, releasing your frustration. You were mad they would deny the potion to those who needed it rather than sully themselves by accepting your assistance. In fact I seem to recall you being silently apologetic after you had worn yourself out. You were quite gentle that night, almost loving.” He studied his hand on the door. “After that you were much more inclined to sit and talk with me for hours at a time. You seemed to enjoy my company rather than just the sex and I found myself looking forward to our talks as much if not more than our “arrangement”. I didn’t actually notice it at first, but about a month ago it hit me. I didn’t know what to do about it for several weeks but I finally decided I just had to know if a relationship was even feasible between us. Well, I’m sure you remember how that went.”

“And what if I have come to the same conclusion?” Was it already too late to revive the relationship we had both grown into without realising?

For a long time Remus said nothing, only looked at me. And the more minutes passed in silence the heavier my heart grew. Then instead of answering, he began to chuckle.

My fledgling hopes were crushed; he didn’t think I was worth taking a second chance on after my retrospectively cruel dismissal. I could not blame him, but being on the other side of the equation hurt. I had just about managed to pull myself together enough to attempt to leave with some of my tattered dignity intact when he finally spoke.

“We are quite a pair, aren’t we? Too proud for our own good and too stupid to see what is right in front of us.” He was smiling fondly at me again, like he had occasionally done before I had thrown everything into chaos.

Remus took my hand. “Come in,” he said, “it seems we have some things to talk about after all.”