RETROFEST ENTRY Title: THE ADDICTION 10/14 Rating: NC-17 Author:countesszero Beta:schemingreader Pairings: SS/ES, SS/RL, SS/SB, RL/NT Genre: AU, Drama, Tragedy, Romance, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort Challenge: Retrofest 2009 Prompt No. 05 Canon: Compliant with PS, CoS and 90% PoA compliant. Wordcount: Approximately 2,900 words
Summary: When Harry, Hermione, Ron stun Severus in the Shrieking Shack, they don't know there is a Sleeping Beauty Spell on the bed already. It interacts and Snape wakes up a woman. Remus who already is attracted to Snape finds this even more intriguing and begins to woo Snape.
Warnings: Incest, Heterosexual sex, (Child) Abuse, Drug abuse, Alcoholism, Mental illness, Non consensual sex, Sex with dubious consent, Gender switch, Attempted suicide, Character death (no main character)
A/N: At this point I would like to express my gratitude to schemingreader who has despite her very busy life supported me greatly in my first attempt of writing fanfiction.
Disclaimer: Severus Snape, Remus Lupin and all associated characters from the Harry Potter universe are the property of J.K. Rowling. The author is making no profit by this story.
If he kept his floo closed Lupin wouldn't be able to reach him.
He moved to open it. Then he remembered that he didn't want to talk to Lupin anymore. But it was hard to hold on to that. Often enough a particular moment with Lupin would float into his mind, something that Lupin had said or done in the past, a caress here, a kiss there, a joke, a compliment ... and then he was confused for a brief moment wondering why he felt so hopeless and knew if he opened the floo he would feel better.
Then again he remembered Tonks and how she was fucking Lupin. Vividly he saw her flushed, pink skin, glistening with sweat.
He closed the floo again.
But how could Lupin apologize, crawl back to him, like he was meant to do, if he couldn't be reached?
He opened the floo, staring at the bright, yellow fire with anticipation.
Another thought occurred to him: Very likely Poppy or worse Dumbledore would call wanting to talk to him.
He closed the floo.
He sank back against his armchair and dozed off, waking up a few hours later, not remembering why the floo was closed again. It seemed a stupid thing to do, especially when he was expecting Lupin to call and say sorry, look at him with his tragic turquoise eyes, his forlorn smile.
Tonks. She had seduced him, maybe against his will. She had made him drunk, then jumped on him. And he would explain it all. It would all make sense. He would persuade Severus to forgive him.
In the end he opened the floo again.
And really, only half an hour later Lupin called, and Severus could see that he had been attempting to reach him at least once or twice. He was ashamed to feel this torrent of relief and longing when he saw Lupin's face in the fire. But he felt it nevertheless, although he could see Lupin's stricken expression, and deep down he knew exactly what it meant.
He is feeling guilty about Tonks.
"Severus?" Lupin said softly.
"Lupin." Severus nodded, speaking in the coldest voice he could muster never mind that he was sitting on the floor in front of the floo.
Lupin sighed. "I'd like to apologize to you. And I have to talk to you. Can I come over?"
"I don't think so." Severus said, his heart beating wildly. The ice of his voice broke.
"Please? I think we need to talk." Lupin's face looked sad. So beautiful. Severus had to force himself not to reach out and touch the flames. What would it matter if he burnt himself.
Lupin's expression changed - it was only visible for a split second but Severus knew then.
Lupin wanted to leave him.
And just like that - in nearly the same split second Severus made his decision.
"I am busy. In an hour." he said.
"In an hour then." and Lupin's face was gone.
Severus got up. Suddenly he was calm and focused. He knew what to do.
In a way it was liberating to feel like this again. - To have a purpose. He stepped to his worktable and summoned ingredients. The vervaine flew into his hand, the pearls nestled into his outstretched palm. There was no time for ashwinder eggs, but there were other options.
He always had been resourceful.
He ground the pearls, cut the vervaine ... there, a sliver of ivory, then added the fragrant vervaine, myrrh and rose leaves, pomegranate, ... a drop of belladonna. He took a knife and cut into his left arm and let his blood drip into the mix, while muttering the incantation. He added the bergamot oil to bind, smoothing the paste while humming the spells.
45 minutes to go.
Severus undressed and drew a circle on the floor with his blood, from another cut. He scraped the paste with the bloodied knife onto a copper disk and stepped into the circle holding it. Then he kneeled, and continued to chant in a low voice.
When the circle illuminated and then quickly burnt the reality of what he was about to do crossed his mind.
I cannot go back, he thought.
He had always done what he had been told to, regardless of the nature of the task. He had drugged, poisoned, killed people without asking questions, doing the bidding for his masters. He had been proud of his ability to obey mindlessly. So, once he wanted something for himself and now his conscience chose to raise its voice? He thought about Lupin's stricken face in the floo before, the guilt in his eyes, and the determination to leave him.
I have to do what I have to do. I cannot let him go.
It was harmless. It was dark magic but it was essentially harmless magic, nothing permanent at all, only a little aid for tonight. It would ban the guilt from his eyes and relax him, make him perceptible so Severus had one last chance to make it right.
He glanced at his grandfather clock on the wall.
Thirty minutes to go.
The paste on the copper disk was an almost transparent blue now and emitted a faint, pearly glow. He summoned the red paste he had used the other night to color his lips and using a small copper spatula mixed the two pastes with firm strokes together. He pressed his lips together with concentration, frowning.
He was not ready to let Lupin go.
When Lupin knocked at the door, Severus was ready. He wore a delicate black silk robe, that shimmered golden in the light, chosen with care, cut to display his collarbones and after some hesitation he had put some of Lupin's perfume on his collar bone. Washed, his lips painted with the love potion and dressed in this expensive robe he felt like a virgin sacrifice.
Lupin looked at him, and tried to walk past him, to the armchair without an embrace or a kiss. Severus moved to touch him.
"Severus." Lupin shrank back, uncomfortably.
But Severus was determined this time. He needed to kiss him. All he needed was the kiss. Everything would do and undo itself from there. He reached for him, letting the robe slip a little from his shoulder.
Lupin stared at the uncovered ivory skin, then embraced him and held him. He didn't dare to be unkind now. Severus stroke his back.
"You don't need to do this, Severus." Lupin said hoarsely.
Severus looked at him and smirked. He took Lupin's hand into his and kissed the palm very lightly, only with the tip of his tongue. A small lick like a cat.
"I am sorry ..." Lupin said, attempting to withdraw his hand. "There is something we have to ..."
"I know, but not now." Severus replied hoping that they would not have to talk about Tonks now.
"Severus ... I didn't want to hurt you, but I did, because I was selfish. But you don't need me. I am not what you need ... You need something else, someone else." Lupin continued.
Severus felt razorblades slicing through his heart, but kept his almost-smile.
"Please," he said, cutting Lupin off, who wanted to say more. "Don't talk about it, not now."
"Severus, please ... there is something I have to tell you ... "
"NO."
Lupin looked at him, shocked.
Severus almost closed his eyes with despair, but forced himself to appear calm: "I am a stranger in this body. There are so many things about it I don't know. But I know one thing for sure. My body wants you. And for once I wish to give it what it asks for, Remus."
And he leaned forward and kissed Lupin with parted lips. Lupin didn't respond immediately to the kiss. He stood, in a very rigid posture, his arms lifted ready to push him away. Then his nostrils flared. He inhaled. When Severus stopped Lupin's pupils had dilated until his eyes were black with only a thin rim of indigo. Lupin's lips were slightly red now too and he licked them absently, and he started breathing hard.
"Whatever you are going to do ... I will respect it. I promise. But don't deny this to me." Severus whispered, licking his ear with just the tip of his tongue. "Please."
Severus kissed him again. This time Lupin gripped Severus and pulled him into an embrace. Severus almost purred with happiness.
Severus pulled his courage together and rubbed himself against Lupin, against his groin. He took Lupin's hand and put it against his unbandaged chest. Lupin's eyes widened as he felt that Severus was wearing nothing underneath, and he started tugging clumsily and greedily at Severus robes.
Severus took his hand and led him to the bedroom. He felt the heat of the room inside him now. Everything was going the right way. An unknown, strangely light emotion welled up in him. Maybe happiness. Maybe fear. Possibly both.
At the bed Lupin turned Severus around to kiss him once more. Lupin tasted exactly like the sea. Silence and wonder filled him. Lupin's kiss brought the ocean, the windblown skies.
And it was exactly as it should be.
Lupin lowered him onto the bed, borrowing his effortless strength from the wolf inside him. Slowly he opened Severus robes, one button after the other. He kissed his bare chest. Every kiss felt like silk settling on his skin.
He was safe, swimming in the ocean. He was curling into the warm water, being embraced by the satin sheets of the bed.
He had thought of that, cunning as he was, a veritable harlot, wasn't he?
Lupin bent his head and licked Severus' right nipple. Instantly Severus felt warmth and longing between his legs. He was wet.
For a moment he saw the windows of the infirmary behind Lupin, and the illusion of daylight before it wavered and turned into the golden sheen of the lumos, that Lupin had cast. The lumos was gliding over his body as if Lupin himself touched him.
With a fluid movement Lupin reached down and cupped the vulva with his hand, pressing and rubbing it rhythmically. Nothing else existed than his hand there. Where his hand touched him he was real. Lupin stroked the nipple with the tip of his tongue in the same rhythm.
Severus' breathing was suddenly clearly audible in the stillness of the room. To him it sounded like the wind stirring through the leaves before it grew into a storm.
Lupin looked up at this sound, then continued more eager than before. He took the other nipple and rolled it between his fingers.
Severus opened his legs in a seemingly oblivious and involuntary way. He had his eyes closed, his head thrown back in a classic gesture of abandonment. But even when he had his eyes closed all he could see was Lupin.
As Lupin ground his erection against the clitoris he lifted himself off the bed towards Lupin.
Oh, this was unexpected.
Then Lupin slid one finger into Severus.
Severus eyes opened at the intrusion, and sheer instinct made him seize Lupin's arm. Lupin stilled but did not pull the finger out. Carefully he circled the enlarged clitoris with his thumb, waiting for Severus' reaction.
After a while Severus locked eyes with Lupin, telling him that it was alright to continue and started moving again, thrusting his hips minutely against Lupin. Lupin started to move his finger slowly in and out and, no, it was not painful. It was something else, but not painful. Then Lupin twisted or pressed or did both together.
He felt himself clenching.
"Good," Lupin encouraged Severus, who closed his eyes now, biting his lips and moved faster.
Lupin moved the finger a bit faster, rougher, and tapped the clitoris with his thumb, quite fast now, and Severus was clenching and unclenching rhythmically now.
Then gently, Lupin pulled out his finger. Severus could not stop grinding against him.
"This is what I wanted all along," Lupin said. "Do you understand now?" Severus nodded, rubbed himself against him. He reveled in his own shamelessness. He wanted to laugh, to draw in the air in large gasps, arch himself off the bed.
"You do understand now, don't you?" Lupin whispered. He licked the wet finger, then pushed it against Severus mouth, who first shook his head vaguely. Lupin insisted and reluctantly he opened his lips. Lupin stuck his finger into his mouth and Severus, seeing Lupin's lust, sucked and licked his own taste from the finger.
Lupin opened his trousers now and pulled his pants down. Then he pushed his naked erection against Severus' cunt and rubbed it.
With his wet fingers he started playing with Severus' nipples again, brushing his thumbs over them and Severus could not stop looking at Lupin. His eyes were filled with the southern waters. The lumos was bright enough to show him his own twin reflections in Lupin's eyes.
I love you, he told him silently.
Suddenly Lupin pushed himself up on both hands. He looked down on Severus with a frown on his face.
"Severus" he said. "I need to tell you something. Before we continue this. It would be dishonest otherwise."
Severus didn't stop smiling. He couldn't allow the tiniest muscle in his face to shift.
"You need to understand one thing." Lupin had difficulties speaking. "Are you listening?"
Severus nodded.
"I ... I am not in love with you."
Severus did not close his eyes, or look away. He didn't stop smiling.
"I desire you. This is what I know for sure. I don't know about the rest. Is this enough for you?"
Severus nodded and then carefully, very carefully, smirked. He was not sure how his smirk looked. His face seemed to be frozen. Everything was so quiet and cold inside him. He was afraid that Lupin ruined it all now, and the poison would deepen feelings it was not supposed to do. Darkness instead of lust. Lupin's words would take the warmth with him, steal the golden light of the lumos.
"I need you to know that. It's not anyone's fault. Not yours. But I want you."
Severus prayed silently that Lupin would stop talking. And then Lupin kissed his collar bone, his shoulders, his chest, then his nipples again. Severus pulled Lupin towards him.
"I am sorry," Lupin muttered. "You are wonderful, and I am so sorry."
He licked his nipples again, sucked them greedily: "You are wonderful. Look at you. All white and perfect and beautiful."
Lupin started to press his hand against Severus' clitoris again and again, in a demanding way until he was pushing back against him.
Then Severus felt something heavy and warm between his legs. He looked down.
Lupin's cock was positioned between his legs, and the pressure of the hot tip was delicious.
"Yes?" asked Lupin.
Severus nodded.
When the cock slid in, he thought that it was not bad at all. It stretched him, and he writhed a little on the dark satin sheets. Above him Lupin was biting his lips. Severus concentrated on the muscles moving underneath Lupin's golden skin. Then he felt a sudden sharp tear, a pain.
Lupin stilled.
Severus who knew what this pain meant, was not surprised by it, stilled his movements with him, and lifted his head in an attempt to look at the blood, but Lupin didn't let him.
Lupin caught him in a fierce kiss, and pushed in deeper. Severus screamed his pain into his mouth.
When Severus could breathe again, Lupin started moving very slowly and tentatively, his eyes not leaving Severus' face for one moment.
The pain subsided slowly, retreating with every beat of his heart because Severus willed it so and he pushed his hips up and clenched.
Lupin gasped and put a hand between them, and touched Severus' clitoris. He moved faster, really fucking now, and Severus moved with him, panting now, with little, barely audible moans in between.
Lupin bent down, in an awkward angle and took Severus nipple into his mouth. Severus was moving frantically against him, and then Lupin's tongue flicked over his nipple.
Severus had never felt anything like this before. He had expected to give pleasure, not to receive ... this. This was not pleasure. Pleasure was a word too small for this. He was falling and, with every thrust, every pressure, every lick of Lupin this intensified. And finally when he thought he could not bear this any longer he cried out Lupin's name - not Lupin but "Remus" over and over again and sobbing and clawing at him like a cat, his cunt contracting uncontrollably, so tight around Lupin, who cried out too and thrust faster now, and then he felt Lupin's cock pumping and twitching, and they both held on to each other while the unbearable sweetness lasted.
It took a while until they could breathe again. Lupin still held Severus in a tight embrace, and for a moment he was undeniably blissfully happy.
I love you, Remus Lupin. he thought.
Then Lupin moved out of him and pulled his arm from under Severus and rolled on his side. His hand slid off Severus' abdomen.
When Severus finally opened his eyes, he found Lupin staring at him with a cold, almost calculating, turquoise stare. Hatred or anger would have been better than this.