2008 Fantasy Fest Fic: "The Black Robe of Flanders" PG-13, Part TWO
Title: The Black Robe of Flanders, Part II Rating: PG-13 or thereabouts Summary: Severus must find and disarm a legendary horcrux, with Remus as his assistant. They didn’t count on the complications. Warnings: snarking, kabouters, smoking of tobacco and other substances, references to legal drug use, bad food.
Note: this is for the Fantasy Fest prompt "kabouters." I have made the kabouters somewhat larger than they really should be, and have likely offended many people from Fryslan, Sneek, The Amicitia Hotel, and the Low Countries in general. I can only plead ignorance and throw myself on the mercy of King Kyrie. Also, the icon shows a kabouter with a mushroom. Really.
Second note: I originally posted the first part of this a year ago and got stuck. Suddenly it's not stuck any more, so I'll be reposting this over the next couple of weeks. My sincere apologies to the person who submitted the prompt and had to wait far too long.
Excerpt from report by Severus Snape to Kingsley Shacklebolt.
"…the Black Robe of Flanders may or may not be in Sneek. The archivist, a kabouter named "Margriet Kaatje van den Poele," is known in the magical community as "Dulle Griet," or "Mad Meg," on account of her bad temper and unwillingness to interact with human wizards. Should Lupin and I succeed in speaking to her for more than five minutes before being bodily thrown out of the premises by van de Poele and her drug-addled nephew, Bram, you may be assured that we will contact you directly…"
Remus had a miserable night.
It wasn't the indigestion; as promised, Severus' potion had worked perfectly. The bed was not at fault either, being clean, comfortable, and large enough that there was not the slightest chance that Severus would roll over and snuggle against Remus' back for warmth the way he had in unheated room in Dokkum, or that their legs would tangle together by accident like in that tiny attic room in Bolsward. He couldn't even blame his insomnia on bedbugs, although the one time he did manage to sleep he drifted straight into a short, peculiar dream about Bram offering him a growth kit to raise his own paddos.
No, something else was rising, and Severus was a light enough sleeper that Remus didn't dare try to relieve it himself.
He finally gave up just before dawn and locked himself in the bathroom. A quick shower would cover a good, hard wank while he imagined what would have happened if he had rolled over when Severus had spooned up against his back. It was pathetic, fantasizing about someone who not only hated him but was so het that he had spent much of his life honoring the memory of the one woman he loved, but it wasn't as if Remus had ever been much good in the sex/romance/relationship department.
The water was hot, thank God, and the shampoo smelled just as good on his hair as it had on Severus' long, silky, deliciously wet locks. It felt wonderful as Remus worked up a good head of suds and began to take care of himself.
God. Severus in the shower, all wet and slick and -
Most men would have used their second chance at life to build up their marriage, said what he very much hoped was not his conscience. What do you do? Go traipsing off to Holland with Severus Snape while your wife -
She was in bed with Charlie Weasley. This is not my fault.
And would she have cheated if you'd touched her once in a while? His conscience sounded suspiciously like Molly Weasley. A few flowers, a little romance -
I told her I was queer. She insisted on marrying me anyway. I knew it was a mistake, but after she told me she was pregnant -
And who forgot to cast a contraceptive spell?
Werewolves are usually sterile. If Poppy hadn't cast that paternity spell, I never would have believed Teddy was mine.
You owed her -
I tried. I really did. But -
The door opened with a bang just as Remus had completely given up on coaxing his now limp prick back to life. "Try not to use all the hot water, Lupin," said Severus, his voice muffled slightly by steam and spray.
Remus staggered back into the charmingly tiled wall. "What are you doing? The door was - "
"It only locks if one turns the knob a certain way." Severus' outline (completely nude this time, unless Remus needed to add "poor vision" to his list of physical defects) was just visible through the frosted glass door. "We're having breakfast at the hotel our little friend recommended to avoid upsetting your sensitive werewolf tum-tum, so do hurry. I can't abide cold bacon and eggs."
"Um, right." Remus waited for him to finish brushing his teeth, spit, and exit before turning off the water. "Cold eggs. Yes."
The eggs were still warm if not hot when they arrived at the breakfast buffet at the Blauw Hemelhotel, and the coffee was fresh and plentiful. Remus was feeling almost human again by the time they'd been served, even if the non-egg portion of the food seemed to consist primarily of various sorts of toast.
He also knew why Tante Griet hated humans so much. According to the confidential portions of the Ministerie's briefing materials, the non-human magical community had suffered greatly at the hands of history's second greatest dark wizard, including the kabouters. Half the population had either been shot outright or sent to Nurmengard, and the survivors were still petitioning the German authorities for compensation for seized property and medical expenses.
Little did they know that the kabouters, led by a youngster code-named "King Kyrie," were working as internal saboteurs for the Resistance. Griet, as sour as she was today, had been an accomplished spy and intelligence source until her capture late in 1943. The official identification photos showed a plump, serene young lady, signature cap discarded for a (comparatively) huge flower in her sunny blonde hair, a Muggle-style evening gown enhancing her bountiful charms. Even a non-kabouter would have found her lovely.
"She was quite something in those days. One would think she'd want us to find that robe," Remus said as Severus polished off his toast with appelstroop. "It was bad enough that Voldemort came back, but Grindelwald?"
"Kindly recall that she spent a year in the camps before King Kyrie managed to break her out. Little wonder she hates humans." Severus blew on his coffee to cool it. "I've prepared a letter explicitly telling her that we're looking for the horcrux on behalf of the Ministry, with the intent of destroying it. If she doesn't respond favorably - "
"You mean, if she doesn't respond by chucking us into a fountain again."
" - we'll ask the Ministerie to intervene." Severus took his first sip and made an approving sound. "We're eating here tonight."