For Lupin's birthday "Memoria Perdita" Fic: NC-17 Title: Memoria Perdita – 1/3 - complete Author: red_day_dawning Pairing: Snape/Lupin Word count: ~7,750 overall Rating: NC-17 Warning: m/m sex – oral & anal; erotic dreams; some angst Disclaimer: JKR owns the copyrighted HP characters & settings Summary: After being attacked with an unknown curse, Lupin has lost almost all memories from the past few years. What does this mean to those who have learned to love him? And can his memories be recovered? Beta: Many thanks to multi-talented zephre for the brilliant beta-reading, & for the many excellent suggestions helping with structure & adverbs, content & completion. Thanks, zephre. Author’s notes: For Remus Lupin’s birthday on March 10. Dedicated to snapelike in appreciation of the wondrous stories I have so very much enjoyed – dear snapelike, although this cannot even begin to compare to your luscious lyricism, I dedicate this to you in thanks for your wonderful writing, and the great joy I experienced every day in December reading your Advents-fic, The Snow Palace, checking the PC daily with all the enthusiasm I once had opening the little doors of my Oma’s carved wooden Adventskalander.
Memoria Perdita – Part 1
I could not Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither Living nor dead, and I knew nothing, Looking into the heart of light, the silence. - T. S. Eliot, 1888-1965
Prologue It rained the day Remus Lupin was finally found and brought in to St Mungo’s Hospital. It rained as though it would never stop, as though the clouds were bleeding pain, and each raindrop contained a different story, each individual drop a distinct tale of sorrow and loss and pain. When Severus strode into the hospital foyer, his dark robes and long black hair were rain-drenched and dripping wet.
~*~
Lupin looked up at him, love glowing in his honey-gold eyes, and for the first time in his life, Severus felt compelled to say, “I love you. Gods, Remus, how I love you,” – and even though he did not speak, could not say the words, Remus knew. Remus knew and he smiled at him, and Severus thought his heart might burst, or break, or crack open, when Remus said, “I love you, too, Severus.”
~*~
Part 1 “How severe is the damage?” Harry asked, biting his lips. Minerva sighed, and replied, not meeting his eyes, “The healers can’t be certain as yet, until they have conducted a thorough examination.” Tonks began crying again, and Hermione looked grimmer than before. Snape sat silently, his face expressionless, as still as carved stone. “He’ll be alright,” Harry said uncertainly. No-one replied.
The healers were cautiously optimistic. Iodan McMillan, the head of the spell-damage department declared, “While there is considerable memory loss, there is some hope that the memories will return, gradually, over time. As his body heals, his mind may start to recover.” “Is there nothing you can do to directly help him regain his memories?” asked Minerva. “We cannot proceed with direct medical intervention without a greater knowledge of the curses used,” Healer McMillan declared. “We could do more damage than good, if we tried to intervene in ignorance.” “How much memory is actually lost?” asked Hermione. Healer McMillan frowned, as though he found the question impertinent. Hermione simply continued to stare at him, as though certain he would respond. He frowned, and then sighed, “The patient’s recall of events is somewhat inconsistent. Mr. Lupin’s strongest clear memories date back to the time he was teaching at Hogwarts, and perhaps some months after that. His earlier memories have been retained. No later memories have survived intact.” The group received this news in shocked silence. Minerva murmured, sorrow etched on her tired features, “Ah no. So much lost. The poor boy.” Tonks sobbed, “That can’t be right. Let me talk to him. He’ll remember me.” Hermione patted her absently on the shoulder while addressing the healer, “I take it you don’t believe we should try to force the memories to return, Healer McMillan?” “Yes. That is correct. In order for the patient to retain his existing mental faculties, he must not be upset and his memory recall must not be forced. Any misguided attempt to force memory recall could bring about permanent damage. No-one should attempt to force him to remember anything. During all visits, the topics of conversation should be general and as undemanding as possible. While I realize that may not always be possible, especially when discussing the events of the late war, and the defeat of the Death Eaters,” the healer said, averting his eyes away from Snape, “I must insist the patient not be unduly and unnecessarily upset. If necessary, I will enforce this with limitations on visits. I cannot stress highly enough, no attempt to force memory should be made. Any attempt to do so may cause irreparable damage.” The healer nodded pompously, making eye contact with each of them, as though stressing the importance of his instructions. Only Severus was spared; the healer did not look directly at him at all. They were allowed in to visit Remus in groups of two and three. A tearful Tonks entered the room first, clutching Harry and Hermione.
Severus waited outside the room with Minerva. His mind was racing – swinging between the thoughts: how can I help restore his memories and he has forgotten all. All memory of the two of them together, gone… Visibly distressed and unable to remain silent any longer, Minerva asked, “Severus? What are you thinking? Is there a potion you can make that could help him?” “Perhaps,” he slowly said. “I cannot be certain – without knowing the curses involved. It is possible that any potion might do as much harm as good. Still, over the next few days, we may learn more of his condition. Anything we learn would be useful for planning a remedy.” He sighed, and then rested his head in his hands. “I cannot be optimistic, Minerva. It may be that I will not be able to help.” Minerva nodded, placing her hand on his arm. “I’m sure that you will do all you can to help, Severus. And I have great confidence in your skills – you are one of the greatest Potions masters alive.” Severus replied, “I will do all that I can.”
Hearing raised voices from the patient’s room, Severus quickly slipped inside, Minerva following behind. “Stop it, you silly girl,” Severus snapped, taking in the scene before him – Harry and Hermione standing shocked and motionless, Remus visibly shaking, sweat appearing on his pale face, Tonks grasping him by the arms and screeching, “You must remember – you’re just not trying! We’re about to get married! You must remember that!” “I’m sorry, Tonks, but I don’t remember.” Briefly meeting Severus’s eyes, he added, “I don’t want to be cruel, Tonks, but I can’t remember, and I can’t even imagine it. I’m almost exclusively gay – I’ve never really wanted to be with a woman.” “You wanted me,” screeched Tonks, now shaking Remus. “You did want me, and we’re going to be married…!” Severus stepped forward and slapped Tonks across the face. “Pull yourself together, you stupid fool. Remus is in no condition for your hysterical outbursts. If you cannot control yourself, leave!” Cradling her hand to her reddened cheek, Tonks fled the room sobbing. “Oh, dear, I’d better go after her,” Hermione sighed. “No, Hermione, it had better be me,” said Minerva. “I think I will be quicker to administer the required slap across the face than you – although I’m certain there was no need to hit her as hard as you did, Severus.” “Would you have preferred to let her continue her melodramatic outburst?” Severus asked acidly. “Perhaps not,” Minerva replied. Leaning forward to kiss Remus on the cheek, she added “I’ll come back for a proper visit soon, Remus. Get well soon,” she said, already stepping out of the door in pursuit of Tonks. Remus rubbed his hand across his face. “Should I thank you for coming to my rescue, Severus?” he asked, smiling his familiar quirky, crooked grin. Severus snorted in response, “Some dark creature and war-hero you are, Lupin, you can’t even stand up for yourself when confronted with a crying girl.” Harry glared at Snape, but Lupin smiled, “It is because she’s a crying girl that I can’t stand up for myself, Severus.” And then looking at Severus, he asked, “Is it true… was I really engaged to her? I don’t see how it’s possible…” Severus felt the words stick in his throat, he would have given anything to be able to say, “No Remus, it’s not true – you’re mine and I’m yours, and we belong together.” But Severus had never said those things, and wasn’t about to start now, facing an anxious and amnesiac werewolf. Hermione interjected (about time Miss Know-it-all interrupted, Severus thought sourly) taking Lupin’s hand, as though breaking the worst news (and really that was wholly appropriate, Severus thought) and saying, “Yes, Remus, it is true. You and Tonks became engaged after…” Glancing at Severus, she added, “Well, after the Order had received some bad news.” “Bad news?” enquired Remus. The healers burst into the room, both talking excitedly. Healer McMillan glared at them all, saying “Didn’t I say he wasn’t to be upset? I was half-way across the hospital, and I felt the alarm charms triggered. He is no condition to be upset. I won’t have it! I will ban all future visits if I must!” “It wasn’t us,” protested Harry. “It was Tonks, well, she was really upset when Remus didn’t remember her.” “Well then, Miss Tonks is banned from all further visits. I’ll instruct the front desk that she is not to enter this room, regardless of the reason. I will not have my patient suffering set-backs!” Remus looked as though he might protest, and then quickly reconsidered, shutting his mouth with an almost audible snap. “That would be best,” Severus smoothly intervened. “Clearly, Miss Tonks is far too emotional to behave appropriately.” Both Hermione and Remus looked sharply at him then, but mercifully said nothing. The healer huffed an irritated agreement, and then preemptively waved the others out of the room, saying “Let the patient rest now.” Remus grumbled, “The patient has a name, Healer McMillan.” He then turned to his visitors, asking “You will come back soon, won’t you? There’s so much I don’t know.” Harry and Hermione hastily agreed they would return the next day. Severus tried to smoothly move through the doorway, but Remus called him back, reaching out one hand, “Severus, I don’t quite understand why you came today, but I appreciate it. Will you come back again?” Without thought, Severus took the outreached hand, and then realizing what he had done, abruptly dropped it. “I came because Minerva asked for my expertise with curses and remedial potions. Of course I shall return - we know little about your symptoms at this point, so I shall need to observe you closely if I am to manufacture a remedy,” and he strode from the room without looking back. His heart pounding painfully in his chest, he ignored Harry and Hermione’s inane chatter, to make his way to the exit, not thinking of the look Remus gave him when he reached out his hand. And not thinking of the look Remus gave him when he dropped it. Damn that werewolf for forgetting, he thought, and then, damn that werewolf – I think he remembers something.
~*~
Severus woke up immediately, that strange sense that alerts one to watching eyes acting as an alarm. He opened his eyes to see Remus gazing at him, amber eyes glowing gold, firelight transforming his scars to silvery runes, an entire tale Severus had deciphered with his fingers, mouth and tongue. “What?” “Nothing… just watching you,” Remus murmured, sliding down to cover his body with his own. The feel of Remus’s body against his made his breath catch, his heart race, made him instantly, achingly hard.
~*~
Severus woke, still panting, his night-clothes soaked in sweat and semen. Ignoring the prickling sting in his eyes, he spelled himself clean, and then rose out of the bed. Disregarding the cold that seemed to fill his chest, he selected some books likely to contain information on old, obscure curses, and settled down to read, unwilling to return to sleep that night.
~*~
There was a hell created just for me, Severus grumbled to himself sourly, and that hell was the life he was living. No help for it, he could delay no longer. And why was he so afraid – surely a heart already broken was too shattered to be broken again? Chiding himself for his sentimental melancholy, Severus apparated to St. Mungo’s. It was sheer good luck that Severus visited Lupin with no other visitors present, he thought. When he entered the room, Lupin was lying with his back facing the door. Severus approached quietly, unwilling to disturb the sleeping man. “Ah Severus, you came!” Remus smiled, startling Severus as he abruptly turned to face him. “Of course. I told you I needed to observe you, and discuss anything you can recall of the curse, in order to be able to work on a potion to restore you.” “I can’t thank you enough, Severus, for offering to help me. As good as the potions brewed here in the hospital might be, they could not possibly be a match for your own,” Remus said, his eyes glowing, his hand outstretched towards the Potions Master. Severus ignored the outstretched hand and sat down in a chair for visitors at the side of the bed. Coughing roughly to clear his suddenly constricted throat, he gruffly said, “No need to thank me, Lupin. I promised Minerva I would try my best to help you. Having promised I will do no less.” “Yes, indeed, Severus,” Remus said, sounding unaccountably subdued, “I know you are a man of your word.” “Yes, well,” said Severus into the awkward silence, “What can you recall of the curse?” Remus shook his head and said glumly, “Nothing. I can’t recall who cursed me, how I came to be there, or anything of the curse itself.” Severus nodded grimly, and then said, “I shall visit the Ministry before I go home. Tonks or Kingsley may be able to slip a copy of the auror’s report to me, so that I can at least see which Death Eaters were present when you found. That may provide some sort of clue.” “Better ask Kingsley for help then, Severus. I’m not sure if Tonks will be too cooperative,” he added, his mouth quirked in a little sad smile. “Harry and Hermione tell me she has been harassing both of them, and the staff here relentlessly, so that she might be allowed to visit me. When she found the ban on visits would not be lifted, she simply metamorphed into a healer and walked in to see me this morning.” Severus stared at Remus. “And?” he asked gently. “And Tonks and I had quite a few words, and I doubt she will be returning soon – I love her as a friend, and a great person, you know? I can’t imagine what I was thinking... But she’s very hurt now, and doesn’t understand or doesn’t want to understand – so I don’t believe she would do much to help me at the moment, perhaps you’d better avoid her at the Ministry.” “Indeed,” said Severus, his voice purring approval. “I’m surprised you finally stood up for yourself, R…Lupin.” Collecting himself, he sourly added, “If you’d only displayed some backbone earlier, you probably wouldn’t have been pushed into that absurd relationship in the first place.” Remus blushed, a sight that made Severus’s heart leap. Remus hung his head a little, and then awkwardly said, “Yes, well… Piercing together information from Hermione and Minerva, it seems Tonks simply insisted and persisted until she had the entire Order on side. It’s a bit embarrassing to contemplate, but it seems she did simply push me into a relationship.” Raising his head to gaze directly into Severus’s eyes, he added, “Hermione seems to think I was especially numb and shaken after hearing of Dumbledore’s death. She said I seemed particularly upset by the thought that you had betrayed us for Voldemort. Do you know why that might be, Severus?” Averting his eyes, Severus stammered, “Well, of course you were very close to Dumbledore – naturally news of his death upset you.” “Hermione seemed to think it was more than simply his death. She got the impression it was the thought of your betrayal that was most disturbing to me.” “Well, I can give you no explanation for Miss Granger’s more fanciful impressions,” Severus snapped angrily, prepared to leave immediately. “I’m sorry, Severus. It was cruel of me to bring up something so painful to you,” Remus softly said, resting his hand lightly on Severus’s arm. “And I must apologize for having so little faith in you, Severus. I should not have doubted your loyalty,” he added, his golden eyes burning with sincerity. Looking away from him, Severus said, “It was meant to be convincing. Had you doubted my loyalty, the entire plan would have been at risk.” “Nonetheless, I am sorry,” Remus said. “I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it must have been for you. And how exhausting it must have been to sustain the pretense afterwards. Dumbledore asked more of you than anyone, and you gave all, without faltering. I can’t even begin to express my admiration. And I can’t even begin to express my sorrow for all that you must have lost. I’m truly sorry for all that you have had to suffer.” “I’ll return some other time,” Severus said, and fled – from the room, from the hospital and from the words of Remus Lupin.
~*~
Lupin smiled up at him, his eyes golden glowing honey, and then slowly thrust his hips up to drive his cock in deeper, Severus felt Lupin’s cock fill him, and gods, it felt so good, his hips jerked involuntarily, and then Lupin sped up his fucking… and Severus thought the feel of the cock inside him was just too much, it was heaven, it was bliss, and he tried to call out, but his voice caught in his throat and Lupin wrapped his hand around his cock and he came, spurting across Lupin’s stomach and chest.
~*~
Severus woke up weeping, the harsh rasping tears of a man who rarely wept. He curled himself into a ball under his blankets, and did not sleep again that night. Again and again he heard Remus’s words, “I can’t even begin to express my sorrow for all that you must have lost.” You don’t even remember all that I have lost, Severus thought bitterly.
~*~
Severus found himself anticipating his daily visits to Remus eagerly, more eagerly than he felt comfortable explaining to himself. Although he had found little information that could assist Remus in his recovery, he enjoyed sitting with Remus – conversations during which they never ran out of things to say: discussing some of the less disturbing events of the past years; describing his current attempts at setting up a mail-order potions business, based in his home – the sort of talk friends might share. Walking through the doorway on an uncommonly sunny day, he was disappointed to see that he was not the werewolf’s only visitor. Hermione Granger sat close to Remus (practically on top of him, Severus thought sourly), holding one of his hands in both of her own. He couldn’t quite catch what she was saying, but something about the wheedling tone made him frown with displeasure. “Ah look, here’s Severus,” Remus said enthusiastically, pulling his hand free from Hermione’s clasp. “What are you doing here, Snape?” Hermione asked, looking disgruntled at having to share her visiting time. “I see Mr. Weasley’s good manners have been rubbing off on you, Miss Granger,” Severus responded smoothly, his habitual masked expression concealing his surprise at her uncharacteristic rudeness. Remus frowned at the girl, and then sighed loudly, “Tonks. You’ve been repeatedly asked not to come and visit. Why can’t you understand that whatever it is that you are feeling, I cannot and will not reciprocate? I love you as a friend, and I truly believe you are a wonderful person and a very gifted witch, but my feelings for you aren’t romantic and I don’t believe they ever will be. I’m sorry, Tonks but I really must ask you to go.” “But Remus…” she pleaded. Placing himself next to Remus’s bed, Severus stood over the Hermione-shaped metamorphmagus, and said flatly, “Miss Tonks, you can either leave now, without making a fuss, or I will inform both the hospital security and the Auror’s department about your increasingly hysterical and unbalanced behavior.” Raising his hand to prevent interruption, he coldly continued, “No further discussion, no pathetic whining or pleas. Just. Go.” “You prick,” Tonks hissed, her semblance of Hermione’s form slipping and then dizzyingly reshaping into her own form. “I know what you want, you want him yourself. Well, you don’t have a chance, you traitorous ugly bastard. As if he’d ever want you!” “Enough,” Remus commanded, rising from the bed, his face set in anger. “I can assure you I am far more likely to want Severus than you. Now please leave!” Tonks turned and ran out of the room, sobbing as she fled. Calming his face into its usual pleasant expression, Remus said, “Please, Severus. Take a seat. I’ve been hoping you would come by soon. I’m sorry you had to witness that.” Severus sat, trying to slow his rapid breathing. He wanted to kill the stupid slut for that outburst. And for daring to come and visit Remus again. “How could you not realize it was Tonks, Remus? Couldn’t you smell the difference?” he asked, acidly. “Of course I could, Severus. I knew as soon as she entered the room. I hoped that by hearing it explained to a third person, Tonks might find it easier to accept that there will never be a relationship between us. Nonetheless, I’m very sorry you had to endure that display. And those comments directed at you.” Remus smiled at Severus in sincere apology, a smile so sad and sweet, Severus had to force himself to breathe past the constriction in his throat. He thought that smile alone might shatter his heart into a thousand pieces. “No matter,” he answered gruffly. “I’m hardly likely to take the opinion of a deluded little hussy like that seriously.” Clearing his throat, he added, “You’re looking very well, Lupin. Have the healers said how much longer they want your company?” Remus smiled broadly, an open smile that lit up his face. “It seems they’ve finally had enough of me. They say I can leave tomorrow.” “Tomorrow?” Severus asked with dismay. “But where will you go?” Shrugging his shoulders, Remus said, “Harry and Hermione have been trying to persuade me to move into Grimmauld Place. But that’s the last place I want to be, Severus.” Looking away, he added, “I thought I would go home, to my cottage. After all, the healers say that I’m fine. And while they can’t repair my memory more than they already have, they say there is no problem with my potential to remember things – it’s just that one specific string of memories from those years that has been affected.” To his surprise, and clearly in a moment of complete insanity, Severus found himself saying, “Why don’t you come stay at my place for a while? That way I can observe you closely, and you won’t need to go straight from hospital to a cottage uninhabited for years, in the middle of somewhere unpronounceable in the Welsh mountains.” “How do you know about my cottage, Severus?” Remus asked. Cursing himself, Severus said, “I believe you mentioned it to me some years ago.” “Really?” asked Remus, his face alight with curiosity. “I have so rarely told anyone about it. I didn’t think that anyone other than Dumbledore knew it was in Wales.” He continued to scrutinize Severus, looking as though the man were a puzzle he was getting closer to solving. “Well, what do you say?” Severus asked, trying to deflect that line of reasoning. “Why don’t you come home with me?” Smiling, Remus responded, “Very well, Severus, it’s very kind of you to offer. I’ll be happy to stay with you for a while, if you don’t think I’ll get in the way.” Trying to control his elated response to Remus’s acceptance, Severus snapped, “The house may be small, but it’s still large enough for two people to be in it without sitting on top of each other, Lupin. And I’m perfectly capable of telling you to go away if you get underfoot.” Valiantly trying to ignore the smile lighting up the werewolf’s face, Severus continued, “Much of the time, I will be downstairs in my potions-workroom. And you will not be disturbing me in there, I can assure you – you will not enter that room at all.” “Yes, Severus,” Remus replied, his smile undimmed. Severus could hate himself for allowing that smile to affect him. Damn that bloody werewolf and his infuriating smile!
~*~
Severus looked up from the book he was reading as the werewolf entered the cottage’s living-room. Smiling broadly, that quirky grin that lit up his whole face, Remus gracefully sauntered to stand between Severus’s knees. Still silent, his smile grew broader and his amber eyes began to glow as he lowered himself to his knees, and began to nuzzle between the Potion Master’s thighs. Unable to entirely suppress his own smile, Severus leaned back in the armchair as Remus began to slowly unfasten his trousers. Severus woke up abruptly. Silently he cast cleansing spells on the salty tear-streaks on his face, and the stains on his sticky pajamas, then curled himself into a protective ball and tried to persuade himself to go back to sleep.
*** I have no idea about Latin word order or sentence structure – the Latin words are from the English to Latin Dictionary at http://www.archives.nd.edu/cgi-bin/lookdown.pl memoria - memory , the capacity for remembering, remembrance; record of the past, tradition, history. memoriola - memory. I am grateful to the kind people at LiveJournal’s little_details who helped me create the curse name: “memoria perdita”.