InsaneJournal

“Excellent. Here let me...”

“Oh no. Get your clothes off. All of them.”

“There’s no need, my dear Regulus. I can simply free my exuberant manhood from his confines like... so.”

“No. I want to see all of you.”

“That won’t be necessary.”

“I’ll get my kit off too. It’ll be fun. Come on, open this robe.”

“No!”

“Well, if you won’t, I will!”

“You won’t be able to: the fastenings are spelled. Only I am able to undo this garment.”

“Is that right?”

“Indeed.”

“Oh. Then perhaps it’s time you examined your wandwork, my dear cousin.”

“What?”

“It seems as though I’ve got past your spell, Lucius.”

“Surely not!”

“So perhaps the fault’s in the robes, then? Some sort of... wardrobe malfunction?”

“There can’t... Damn! That thrice-damned American muggle fashion designer!”

“You bought robes from a muggle?”

“He came highly recommended. Had apparently made clothing for all manner of rich and famous muggles; Janet Jackson, PJ Proby, Judy Finnigan...”

“So much for pureblood pride! So what were you trying to hide under here, eh?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Oh, Lucius. I thought you said you weren’t queer?”

“No! Yes! Oh, don’t be ridiculous, I’m married. As you well know.”

“But let’s see... not only were you surprisingly keen to try and get your cock down my throat, it also just so happens that you’re wearing women’s undies!”

“What did you say? ‘Women’s undies’? Please!”

“Well what would you call this then?”

“I, my dear Regulus, would describe my attire as being the very finest of Madame Malkin’s classic boned foundation undergarments. This is fashioned after the Belle Epoque style, from sumptuous dark green brocade featuring silver threads, and extravagantly trimmed with rich Bruges lace, hand dyed to the perfect ebony shade.”

“You wouldn’t just say it was a corset, then?”

“Pah! Pureblood you may be, but you’re still a Philistine!”

“And you still claim you’re not queer?”

“I... er...well, I’m only partially gay.”

“Which means?”

“Which means, my dear cousin... my dear black-haired... grey-eyed, and... ah... extremely well-endowed... delicious cousin... can we please just get on with it?”

“But you said that he didn’t approve of this type of thing.”

“What type of what?”

“This.”

“Oh! Oh, that. No. No, he doesn’t. He believes it’s a waste of energies that could be better employed in the production of macrame plant hangers.”

“Do you agree with him?”

“No.  He’s a damn fool!  I have an idea; why don’t you show me just how skilful your fingers really are, hmm?”

“Well, I’m not sure, Lucius.”

“Or you could put that pretty mouth of yours to good use. Right here.”

“Perhaps you could teach me a thing or two instead.”

“I’m a little weary.”

“Just because you look completely edible, it doesn’t mean that I’m prepared to do all the work.”

“Besides, I do think young people should be encouraged to develop their talents.”

“What were you saying about embarrassing secrets?”

“Ahem. I really don’t recall.”

“Perhaps I ought to ask the Dark Lord how much he enjoys seeing you in such underwear? It sounds like exactly the sort of thing he approves of.”

“Is it my imagination, or did that sound like a threat of blackmail?”

“Blackmail? Of corset is!”

“You sneaky little git!”

“From a Slytherin such as yourself, I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“Very well, what is it you require from me?”

“I thought that you could tell me a few things about women.”

“Why? Surely they are of no interest to you.”

“That’s true. But how else am I going to disguise the fact that I’m queer?”

“Beauty and brains! You’ll go far, I’m certain of it.”

“I’m sure I will, since I have you to take me in hand.”

“Are you hinting at something, Mr Black?”

“Well, I thought you’d enjoy giving me the benefit of your experience in this area. Which I’ll bet is extensive.”

“Very well. But I shall expect the same in return.”

“That’s alright. I just need...”

“Well hello! To say that you’re eager is a bit of an understatement.”

“Are you surprised? I’ve been kept waiting all morning!”

“Take for example, manual stimulation, like so.”

“Oooh... I...”

“As we observe, with another man, the process is apparent, straightforward, and yields intense results.”

“And feels bloody fantastic. No, don’t stop!”

“Very well. The pleasurable climax can be reached...

“Ahhhhh!”

“... surprisingly rapidly.”

“Ahhhhh!” Fucking hell!” 

“Careful near my clothing, please.  Satin trim does not react well to a shower of jism.”

“Oh... I’m... er. I’m afraid that was a bit...”

“No need to explain. If I recall correctly, one's teenage years are full of such inconveniences.”

“I’m not normally so quick.”

“It’s of little consequence. Scourgify.”

“Ow!  Careful, that's a delicate piece of equipment.”

“Which is why cleanliness is vital.”

“I expect I'd have lasted longer if I hadn't already made a... erm... start before you arrived.”

“No need to apologise. Now, what was I saying?”

“Look at that! I’ve got the best recovery time!”

“Why, so you have. How delightful!”

“Would you like me to...”

“I don’t see why not. I’m firmly of the belief that nothing can beat hands-on experience. Ahhh.”

“So I see, Lucius. And I appreciate your firmness in this matter.”

“Cheeky pup! Ah, but we were talking about the fairer sex, were we not?”

“I think so.”

“You see, the trouble with digitally-stimulating the female anatomy is that it’s rather more complicated.”

“How do you mean? Does this feel alright for you? And can you answer the second question first?”

“It’s perfectly alright, thank you. Although it wouldn’t hurt to grasp a little more firmly. Yes, that’s it. And perhaps move a little more rapidly? Malfoys are more like jewels than blossoms.”

“I’m not sure I follow...”

“No? Jewels are precious, brilliant and hard. Flowers are delicate, fragrant and soft.”

“And you insist that you’re only partially gay?”

“Indeed. Anyway, that’s the kind of pillow talk that women adore.”

“Then I think I shall be happy to remain queer.”

“Ah. In that case, I suppose I needn’t discuss the problems of trying to pleasure those feminine parts.”

“No, tell me.”

“The trouble is, they’re so elusive and concealed.”

“Are they? I’ve never actually seen one. Not in the flesh as it were.”

“Well, there's not much to recommend really.” 

“No fun?”

“I wouldn’t actually go so far as to say that, but honestly, all those moist folds.”

“Yes?”

“It’s like fiddling with damp origami.”

“Eurgh!”

“Indeed. Oh! Oh Merlin!  Oh yes!  Yes!  Ahhhh!”

“Ha!  I see you enjoyed my nimble fingers, Lucius! ... Lucius?... Hey, say something.   Come on, speak to me!  Fuck, he's not breathing.  Oh fuck!  I've killed him!  I've wanked a Malfoy to death!”

“Not quite.”

“You're alive?  Thank fuck for that!”

“Indeed I am.  Your technique is admirable.  But not yet heart-stopping.”

“It stopped you breathing though.”

“Oh, well that is simply an occupational hazard of wearing corsetry.”

“Seems a bit dangerous.”

“Perhaps.  Although anything that can take one's breath away has much to recommend it.”

“Mmmm.  It looks beautiful, too.  Do you think it would look that good on me?”

“Don't be ridiculous!”

“Oh.”

“Your colouring requires something more vibrant.  Regal purple, or perhaps a deep wine shade.”

“I think I'd like that.  It could be like a kind of corset club.  Nobody else would know, would they?”

“Of course not.  What happens in corset club stays in corset club.”

“That's the worst pun I've heard in weeks.”

“Why, thank you.”

“No, thank you Lucius. Your visit has been most stimulating.”

“I’m delighted to assist in the education of a family member. Particularly one who shows so much talent and... promise.”

“Perhaps we can... study together again?”

“I hope so. As a matter of fact, I’d go so far as to say it is probably inevitable.”

“I’ll look forward to it! But there’s one thing I’m confused about.”

“Only one? And what might that be?”

“You said you were disappointed in my choice of magazine.”

“Indeed I was. I expected you to have more discerning taste.”

“But it’s full of nice-looking guys. I don’t see the problem.”

“For heaven’s sake; the problem is not with the prettiness of the boys, it’s with the fact that it’s a muggle publication.”

“Oh. I suppose looking at muggle magazines could be seen as a bit politically dubious, for a pureblood like myself.”

“Sod the politics. What’s the point in having porn if the pictures don’t even move?”

“I see what you mean.  I don't suppose you have any wizard magazines, then?”

“As a matter of fact, I happen to have one on my person.  I would be more than happy for us to exchange.”

“You mean it?”

“Certainly.  Take it.  I'm sure I shall find some use for your pretty but unmoving pictures.”

“And I'll have yours.  Ooh!  'Quick and Crafty', eh?  That sounds bloody brilliant!”

“Indeed.  It should be just the thing to keep a young man such as yourself occupied on those dull, chilly evenings.”

“Hang on a tick... papercrafts, stitching, raffiawork?  This isn’t a jazz mag!”

“Of course it’s not.  What did you expect?  Welcome to the Death Eaters, Regulus.”