Shifting Thoughts Damn that Kaneda. Who does he think he is, looking at me like that? I wouldn't have balked like that if he hadn't been looking at me that way. At least... I don't think I would've.
I stop, rethinking the scene yet again. Sakae - gentle, sweet Sakae - asking me to kiss him like that, and then doing so. I haven't stopped dreaming of him since that night at his house. I've even told him how I felt. He never outright rejected me, but until a half hour ago, I certainly got the impression that I'd horrified him with my confession. The way he was so willing to dismiss the conversation at the first chance... and every time I thought about that, I thought about Kaneda in his room, stroking himself as he watched Sakae.
But if Sakae has Kaneda, then why ask me? Is this some sort of game for them? For him? I pause halfway through the park, unable to keep from taking that unhappy thought to its logical conclusion. If it is a game for Sakae... am I the prize... or the opposition? And even as I wonder that, I'm beginning to think that it doesn't matter. I'd like to wipe that glare from Kaneda's face. He wears it with the air of someone who never looks any different, and that leads me to wonder... is he also a game to Sakae? Is that why he visits in the night, alone in his passion?
Even as my thoughts shift, my sympathy does. No longer is Kaneda the nemesis painted in my mind. Instead, he's becoming almost a kindred spirit, someone who might understand the pain I'm going through here. I dig out my cellphone and stare at it, wondering. Would he come out for coffee if I asked to speak to him? My thumb taps out their number, and I almost hit 'send' before realizing what I'm doing. Are my emotions so worthless? Am I really that fickle, that I'd consider calling out the 'other man' the moment a hint of resistance is shown? I slump onto a park bench, shoving the phone in my pocket and staring out at the small pond nearby. What the hell am I doing anymore?