There's a dull thud as the door closes behind me, and I sag back against it, all anger draining from me. Perhaps I can fault Kazuki, who seems to know precisely how I watch Sakae, but to blame Sakae himself is beyond me. Blaming Sakae for that kiss would be like blaming the sky for the sun's setting. Had I been thinking, I would have stepped back outside of the apartment, and granted them that minute of privacy to protect Sakae. But at the time, I couldn't move. The pain was so sharp, and the anger so hot, that I couldn't really believe I wasn't burning to death right there, destroyed by my own jealousy. It's not just that I want Sakae. I don't want Kazuki to touch him again... ever. I want to be the only one he sees, and the funny thing is, knowing that it's impossible only makes me want it more.
I finally push away from the door, loosening my tie and moving to the closet. The tie goes on its hook, and I'm peeling off my jacket and slacks. I'll get changed and go out, maybe get drunk. Surely that's preferable to lingering here in the heavy silence. I can't speak to Sakae, and after what I've done to him, surely he has nothing to say to me.
"It isn't what you think."
I whirl, my tshirt half-buttoned as I stare at where Sakae is standing in the doorway. My jeans are still gaping open, but I can't do anything to hide it, I'm so busy staring at him. He clears his throat, then steps into the room, closing the door behind himself and sitting at the foot of my bed as he watches me. "A few weeks ago, Kazuki confessed to me," he explains, and my brain freezes for a moment. Confession? So the kiss was real, despite my attempts to convince myself it couldn't be. I stare at Sakae, and he rises, padding to me. One hand reaches out, splaying against my chest. He's frowning at me, seeming almost angry. "Don't."
"Don't what?" I manage to ask, feeling the heat of his hand like a smelter through my shirt. If he touched bare skin, would I burn?
"Don't look at me like that," he murmurs, stepping forward a pace until our bodies are only inches apart. It would take so little to curl my arms around him, to cling to him as his fire consumed me. Only one thought keeps my arms inert, hanging at my side like deadweight. After he has his fill of me, will he turn again to Kazuki? "Don't look so hurt, like I've destroyed everything that makes life worth living." The words are sharper this time, and I lean in a bit, wanting desperately to touch bare skin to bare skin. This heat through the shirt is maddening.
"I'm sorry," I murmur, and I honestly have no idea whether I'm apologizing for the look or for the way I'm not holding him. How can anyone possibly believe love is blind when it's this complicated? Or is it the fact that we don't see clearly that makes such a mess of things.
"Just don't do it," he counters, searching my eyes. "Will you kiss me?"
"That's what I asked him," Sakae continues, lifting his other hand to cup my cheek. I'm helpless now, completely enthralled. There were once sirens who killed sailors by enthralling them and drawing them to run their ships aground. I can't help wondering if perhaps there's a bit of siren in Sakae, too. "I've never really kissed anyone before, and I want to know what it's like. I want to know if he's 'the one'; that's why I asked him to kiss me. But now, I need a basis for comparison."
My arms curl around him, and for a moment, our lips are so close our breathing mingles. I wonder whether I'll be able to stop kissing him, once I've started. There's such a bittersweet hope to it all. Perhaps he'll throw Kazuki away and stay with me alone. But even as I think that, I'm drawing back. "A kiss..." How bitter do those words sound to him, I wonder. "No, Sakae. When I kiss someone, it's for more than comparison." He frowns, pulling back, and the moment those hands are gone, an icy chill descends in their place. How cold it is, after his warmth...
"I see," he says stiffly, turning to stalk out of the room. The door slams behind him, and I slump onto the bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling. Is there any way I can possibly make more of a mess?