Confession makes for awkward silences. I've learned that, in the weeks since Kazuki told me how he feels. Before, it was always fun to be around him. He made me smile, and shared so many things with me that I never expected. But now, it's nothing but long silences stretching out between studying. I miss the days of camaraderie between us, but more and more, I watch his hands, and I wonder what it would be like, to ask him to touch me. Or I watch his lips. I've never been kissed before. Would it feel like the stories describe? Is it different, kissing another man? The thought alone is almost enough to make me tell him 'yes', that I will be his boyfriend.
But...
I'm not fair to Kazuki. I know that. That's why I haven't said anything, despite the way he looks at me with those glass-green eyes of his. Because as much as I think about what it might be like to touch him or kiss him, I also find myself watching Kaneda. They're very different, but now that I've noticed how Kazuki watches me, I see how alike they are as well. They're both on guard around me now, hovering around with this expectant air, as though they're anticipating something I'll say or do. I expected it from Kazuki, but to see the same look in Kaneda's eyes... I wonder whether he'd confess, too, if he knew that Kazuki already has.
"Kazuki?" The soft question is out before I even realize it, and as he looks up, I find myself caught in that gaze again. My heart is thudding in my chest, and I wonder once more, whether his lips would be soft against mine, whether they'd yield to me or demand my own capitulation. I swallow, and as he frowns slightly, I speak again without meaning to. "Would you kiss me?"
"K-k-kiss?" Kazuki stutters, and despite the maelstrom in my stomach, I can't help smiling slightly. Perhaps I would be the one leading, after all...
"Just once? I've never been kissed before," I admit, finding no shame in the statement. It's not my fault that my body's so weak. "I want to know what it feels like." Besides... isn't there supposed to be some flash of insight when you kiss? Some knowledge of 'this is the one'? Couldn't I use this as a test, to figure out how I really feel about Kazuki?
"But...," he murmurs, and I lean in, my smile hovering so close to his face that I can feel his breath on my lips. A soft sound comes from his throat, and I'm amazed at the feeling of power I get from it. So wonderful, knowing that he's reacting that way just because of me. One of his hands comes up, cupping my cheek and tilting my head ever so slightly. It's warm against my skin, the heat spreading slowly through me from that touch, and I stop caring who will lead and who will follow. Can his lips be as warm as his hand?
Our lips graze each other before he jerks back, his hand pulling free of my cheek so sharply he overturns a nearby waterglass. I blink at the sudden movement, and look up, and there's Kaneda in the doorway, glowering down at both of us as though ready to kill.
...No, that isn't quite right. He's glaring so darkly at Kazuki, because the moment his eyes turn to mine, he looks hurt, not angry. I hear Kazuki make some excuse, hear the commotion of him scrambling to gather up his books and leave, but I can't stop watching Kaneda. I've never seen him so angry before. He's almost beautiful this way, the fire in his eyes burning so brightly. As the door slams shut behind Kazuki, Kaneda finally looks at me again. The fire is gone now, and he says nothing, but the pure weight of his hurt keeps me from rising. This isn't a game to me, but as I watch him pad across the floor to his room, I realize that it's just become a lot more serious.