User: trio Date: 2007-08-08 00:12 Subject: Morning Light Security: Public

Morning light plays over muscles, catching the skin and emphasizing it. Kazuki is beautiful with his skin faintly flushed from the warmth of body and sunlight, and the hedonist in me wants nothing more than to lay here beside him and watch him for hours. He shifts briefly in my arms, gracing me with a better view of that smooth chest, the quiescent nipples just aching for more teasing. My hand lifts, hovering over those inviting buds for a long moment before falling away again without touching. If I touch, then he wakes. And for the moment, I just want to admire this new sleeping lover.

He pouts in his sleep, lower lip protruding just a little as he frowns and shifts again, and the sunlight glitters over the slight wetness still clinging to that lip. That, too, begs to be touched, and yet I can't bring myself to do so. I, who am the worst sort of voyeur, want nothing more than to remain here and watch, my groin tucked against his hip and my cock swelling slowly between us despite self-control. How jealous must I have been, to blind myself to Kazuki's handsome face, the way his body now draws my attention.

As I lay here, my eyes travelling downward toward the thick flesh slowly waking at his center, I hear a faint murmur of sound. I look back, and am caught by those forest-warm eyes as they blink up at me blearily. I drown in that green, finally moving enough to rub lightly against him. In response, he smiles, and my heart flips. "You stayed..."

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User: trio Date: 2007-08-08 00:12 Subject: Dream Security: Public

I lay awake in my bed, Moonlight's tiny weight against my chest as her tail tickles my stomach. My hand is stroking over her back, and there's something painful about the whole thing, because it's marked by a heavy silence. Kaneda hasn't come home. The door hasn't opened, and there have been no attempts at walking silently past my bedroom door. For the first time since I can remember, I'm here, alone but for Moonlight, and the thought suffocates me. It isn't hard to think of where he may be, or what he's doing. Who he's doing, by the sounds of his voice on the phone. I want to hate him for that, but I just can't bring myself to. He doesn't want me. Perhaps he never did.

Moonlight rises, tiny paws suddenly hurting as she pads up past my chest to curl into the pillow at my shoulder and neck. Her soft fur brushes my cheek, and I close my eyes, pretend it's his hair. It's not fair, that the thought of such things should cause my cock to swell as it does, and my hips move just a little, rubbing it against the top sheet. It's a teasing touch, friction with no weight behind it to intensify the feelings. Just that teasing that leaves me aching for more. I try to imagine Kazuki instead, with his ready smile and energetic body, and that mental image comes all too easily. My hand slides down, cupping my arousal finally and giving a long pull as I pretend it's his hand. But before I can continue much further, I throw the sheet off, twisting to the side and burying my nose in Moonlight's fur. I'm sick of the pretense, sick of wanting what I can't have. My eyes shut, body curling a bit as I close the world out, seeking the peace in dreams that I cannot have awake.

They're there, in front of me, limbs tangled together and bodies deliciously close, both of them clothed but with a knowing smile that says freedom is just a few buttonholes away. I want to call out to them, but I can't. And they don't notice me standing there. They're too busy with each other, rubbing and touching and kissing with passion. For a moment, I hate Kazuki so much, he who got to taste the lips denied to me. But that passes, because I'm beginning to realize I love them both. There's no need to choose between them when I desperately desire both. And they're wrapped around each other, oblivious to the world and quietly seductive.

Kazuki's lips trail down Kaneda's neck, drawing out a low groan of need from the man, and it takes me a moment to realize there's more to it than that - that Kazuki's hands have stolen down to tease open Kaneda's fly, massaging the aching length within. That draws me a step forward, then another, and I fall to my knees before the man, staring at the now-bare cock and wishing I dared to move forward. I want the pleasure of his touch, but at that moment, there is a poignant, undeniable need to give the pleasure, to touch instead of be touched. A hand buries in my hair, and I glance up, catching sight of Kazuki still nibbling at Kaneda's neck. But the silent suggestion is clear.

I lean forward, taking his tip in my mouth. My tongue rolls around it, tasting the bitter salt of his fluids as he lets out a ragged moan. That's my doing, that sound he made, and the thought spurs me on, encourages me to try again, one hand coming up to stroke along the rest of it, for I know that I cannot manage much more. That hand that guided me now pets my hair, stroking through the locks and giving me the small spark I need to continue, losing myself in the thick heat of him in my mouth, and the sound of those low growls. He's not loud, but he doesn't have to be for me to hear the desire, the need slowly becoming desperate in him.

The hand in my hair pulls away for a moment and I lift my free hand, wanting to catch the wrist and stop it because I like the warmth it offers. But instead, it's my wrist that catches, my hand placed on a second cock, and I suddenly understand. I'm to be with them both, to make them both feel good in a way they never have. I hum agreement, which invokes a sharp curse from Kaneda, and my hand begins to tug at Kazuki's arousal. I have no hands free to satisfy myself, but somehow, I don't need them, because I feel so damned good already, just tending to my two lovers. I wait, wondering which will be first, and discover, with no surprise, that it's Kaneda, whose hands come down to hold my head still as he empties himself into me. But there's no time to dwell on the feel or taste, because Kazuki's hand has come back, wrapping around mine and stroking hard and fast on his own cock, his voice gasping a little. I pull my head free, turning just in time for him to cover my face with warm fluid, and hear a breathlessly soft, pleased laugh from his lips. Smiling, I draw back finally, my hands dropping to my own cock and tugging in sharp, hard pulls, because I can no longer go slowly.

When I wake, it's just in time to feel my climax pulsing over my hands, shooting onto my stomach and chest. I'm gasping for air, whimpering faintly as I realize that the delicious result to my misery... was simply a dream.

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User: trio Date: 2007-08-08 00:10 Subject: Mine Security: Public

My first time isn't going to be over a phone. I decided that the moment I decided to call Kaneda back and give him the same treatment he gave me. Halfway through that call, I couldn't take it any more. The need to touch was fierce, and it wasn't Sakae I was imagining. It was Kaneda. Somehow, I could see Kaneda reaching for me, strong hands stroking over my skin. I can see it now, too, as I reach for the phone. But I don't intend to start anything at the moment. I'm not letting him get to me that way. I'm going to ignore the way my body hardens as the phone rings, or the way my hand strays to my arousal as I hear his voice say hello. The call is short, not sweet, and leaves me shaking with anticipation.

Rather than answering the overwhelming need, I rise, walking uncomfortably as the arousal subsides. I set the kettle on to make coffee, pick up the few bits of whatever laying around, and then I wait as the coffee steeps. I've learned from my time tutoring Sakae just how he takes his coffee, and I prepare it properly, timing it nearly perfectly. As I'm stirring the cream into mine, there's a quiet knock on the door. My chest tightens, and I swallow, reaching up to run a hand through my hair as I hurry to answer the door. He's standing just beyond, brown eyes staring through me in a way that closes my throat. I don't say anything... I'm not sure I can say anything.

He steps inside, lips curving as he smells the coffee, and I take in a shaky breath. What are we doing? Are we so very certain how we feel that we're both here now? Can this end any way other than badly? But even as I think it, I'm stepping forward, reaching out to cup his cheek and catch his lips with my own. Strong hands grip my upper arms, holding them almost bruisingly tight as he takes charge of the kiss, and I let him. He's warm against me. Given his aloof nature, I never expected the warmth.

Our lips part, and I look up at him, summoning a shy smile. Seems strange to be shy of him after what we've shared, but I can't quite help it. When he smiles back, I can see the amusement in his eyes. "Kaneda," I whisper, and he releases my arms, stepping back. But there's no regret in that gaze. He seems as content with the way things are going as I am.

"You made coffee," he notes, stepping further into my home without asking. I end up trailing behind him as he finds the coffees, taking his own and handing me mine. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," I say softly, sipping my coffee but watching him openly. He moves confidently, as ready to take charge here as he is at home, and I can't help the way I respond to it. I don't want the coffee anymore. I just want more of him, want to taste those lips again, and explore that body that I've only seen before now. If manners demand small talk, then screw manners, I think. My hand lifts to his chest, teasing at one button as I step closer. His lids lower, and I suddenly understand the meaning of 'bedroom eyes'. He's got them, the brown of his gaze burning hot.

He takes a large drink of his own coffee, then sets the mug down, his hands moving to slip under the loose shirt I'm wearing and skimming over bare skin. I moan softly, and his eyes glitter with pleasure at the sound of it. This isn't going to be just a fast fuck. The way the pads of his fingers explore my skin, I realize suddenly that he has in mind slow seduction, dragging out every bit of desire from my body. And I'm going to let him go with nothing less than the same treatment. "Come with me," I whisper, stepping back and catching up his coffee mug. I want to know how the rich flavor mingles with his own taste.

We go to the bedroom, and he barely lets me put the mugs down beside the bed before he's grabbed me again, drawing me close and shoving my t-shirt up to expose distended nipples. I blush at the shameless way my body is reacting, but he's pleased. He tweaks one nipple, pinching it and then rubbing to soothe the small hurt as I arch against him, rubbing my groin against his hip and feeling an equal hardness held back by his slacks. We're going so far, and not looking back, and for once, I don't see the shadow of Sakae rising up between us like a phantom. It's just he and I, bodies sweaty with need. The shirt comes off, then the pants, and I'm left bare while he's still clothed, and even that's okay, because it's him and he's staring down at me with eyes that promise he won't leave a single millimeter of me untouched.

Those eyes are the sexiest things in the world, especially when he's bent over me, looking up at me as he takes my cock in his mouth. I can't breathe it feels so good, and he's just staring at me as he eats me up. I don't last, can't last when the first time is so incredibly good. I shout out, but he doesn't pull away. He drinks down what I have to offer, even though he can't keep up with it, and I sag back as he spreads my legs. I haven't even had a chance to touch him before he's pressing against my entrance with one finger, impaling me and curling it up ever so slightly until fireworks explode behind my eyes. I'm crying out for him, hands reaching out to grip the sleeves of his open shirt. He's so perfectly serious, taking the time to slowly stretch me and watching the way my body swallows up his finger.

Until now, I'd always thought of filling Sakae, of completing that slender body with my own. But here, I'm the one being filled. I'm the one completed by him, and I'm no longer sure I can give up this hedonistic experience to take charge the way he does. He's doing everything, filling me, fucking me, dragging all the lust out of me while I lay here like a prince in some delicious fantasy, with my servant tending my every whim. I twist slightly and he does too, turning me on my side as he settles his cock at my anus and drapes one of my legs over his shoulder. Our eyes meet again, and hold as he presses inside me. I feel so full, overheated and overwhelmed by it all, my hand twisting in his sleeve as he slowly presses in and out.

"Why are you crying?" It's the first thing he's said to me since thanking me for the coffee. I blink, realizing belatedly how blurry my vision's gotten, and he's leaning over me, forcing my leg to a position that's almost painful, and ending up deeper within me. "Is it painful?"

I can't seem to find my voice to tell him just how perfect it is, the tiny pain of being stretched to my fullest ignored in favor of the delicious pleasure of being all his. There are no words for it, so I give up on answering aloud, and instead push myself up, ignoring the way my leg is pressed along my torso as I catch his lips in another kiss. There's salt on his lips, probably from my own come, and a rich flavor under it that must be the coffee, and then I'm not thinking of anything else. My body's on fire, spiraling out of control as he moves faster, plundering my mouth as he plunders my body.

It finally ends, leaving us sweaty and sticky, curled around each other and still silent. I'm not sure if we just don't know the words to say, or if there really aren't any that fit our situation. All I know is that his arms are around me, and his soft cock is nestled in the triangle of ass and thighs, and my bare back is against his chest, feeling the way his heart still pounds. I don't know if we've resolved anything with this, and I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring for us. But for tonight... he's mine.

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User: trio Date: 2007-08-08 00:09 Subject: Imagination Security: Public

"Oh, god." The epithet would've gone unnoticed had Kaneda's door been closed, but it isn't. I freeze, my hand on the knob as I watch Kaneda's shaken intake of breath. I wonder... if he turned around, would he see the pain in my eyes? But he doesn't turn. I almost wish he would, but he's busy with the knot in his tie, his movements somehow incredibly seductive. I want nothing more than to step forward, to give into that urge to see just what those lips of his taste like. But he's continuing, a soft choke and then, "My suit," and I realize suddenly just what the call is. I back out of the room, closing the door carefully enough to keep him from noticing, and lean against it. His voice is so soft, I can no longer hear just what he's saying, but it doesn't matter. I can imagine well enough what's going on, how the banter goes back and forth as he slowly strips. Why is it that he hurts me like he did and I'm still lingering at his door, wondering who's on the phone with him? Why can't my body behave?

Because... it's not behaving. I hear a faint thud that must be him falling on the bed, and feel the faint pinch against one nipple. I have to look down to realize I'm pinching it myself, that my hand has slipped under my sweater to tease the hard nub. My other hand is rubbing the outside of my pants, but my eyes aren't on it anymore. Instead, they're closed, head tilted back against the door as I imagine just what's going on inside the room. I can see it in my mind, can see the way Kaneda tucks the phone against his ear and shoulder, allowing his hands freedom to roam over his body. I can see the way his hand closes around his weeping cock, stroking it in a slow, smooth rhythm I'm even now emulating with my own freed arousal.

There's music now, sudden music and it doesn't take much to imagine his free hand jerking up to turn it on, to cover the moans that must be slipping from his lips. Trust self-controlled Kaneda to be so quiet even in the middle of such passion... And I won't let him down. My hand is tugged from my sweater, and I press my wrist into my mouth, biting down to keep from making a sound as my thumb rolls over the head of my cock, so wet with my own need. To be held by those strong hands, slowly split in two and filled to overflowing... Why didn't I see Kaneda this way before? Why didn't he let me kiss him?

I come with a shuddering sob, body arching hard into my hand and the release almost violent. Stars swim behind my lids, and for a long moment I can't even breathe, too lost in this pleasure. If this is what it's like with my own hands...

He doesn't come out investigating as I catch my breath, sagged to the ground and still cupping my softening cock. I'll need to clean up the wall before he comes out, and spray some freshener. It smells heavily of sex in here. For a moment, my lethargic limbs don't even want to move, but soon enough, I'm stumbling to my feet, my pants set to rights. I'm so focussed on the lingering pleasure flitting through my body, and what I need to clean up, that I never notice the bite-mark bruises on my wrist, hidden by my long sleeves.

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User: trio Date: 2007-08-08 00:08 Subject: Turnabout Security: Public

It's been a few weeks since everything finally settled down. I shouldn't be grateful that Sakae hasn't seen any more of Kazuki than he's absolutely had to, but I can't quite summon up the emotion. I'm worn thin, entirely too caught up in work and the small details of keeping our life from spiralling out of control. It's enough, in my mind, that Kazuki's holding back, sparing me from his presence. I'm not sure whether he's doing so because of Sakae, or because of my phone call, but he's staying away, and that's enough.

Sakae is holding back, too, and that only reminds me of the conversation in the park. Has it ever occurred to you that he might be the one toying with us? Yes. Yes, it has, and that's what hurts so badly in all this. That's what has my head so incredibly mixed up that I no longer know what to think. That... and the memory of a voice over the phone, shaken and husky.

As though to mock my thoughts, my cellphone rings, and I reach to grab it, answering it without paying much attention to the caller. "Yes?"

"What are you wearing?"

I freeze, eyes widening as my breath suddenly fails. It's Kazuki, but barely recognizable as him, his voice soft and low... and incredibly tempting. "Oh, god," I whisper shakily, and am answered with a throaty laugh that makes me want nothing more than to see his eyes in that moment. Unbidden, my hand slides over my chest to the knot of my tie, and I'm loosening it, as much from reaction to that delicious tone as from a sudden desperate need for oxygen.

"Come on, Kaneda," he purrs, and I choke slightly, realizing that yes, he'd truly meant to call me. Is this why he hasn't visited Sakae? Is it me he wants now? Does he know any better than I do? "My suit," I whisper, when he clicks his tongue at me in expectation. "I haven't been home long."

"Are you taking it off?" comes the gentle response, and I close my eyes, freeing the knot completely and lifting my hand to the first button. It's hard to release one-handed, so I end up cradling the phone between shoulder and head, both hands working at the buttons feverishly. I want him to see everything, touch everything with that chocolate cream voice of his.

I'm quick to lose track of the actual words he says, far more attention being paid to the voice, but I do catch when he tells me, "Stop. Leave your shirt on... just open. I want you to remember this every time you wear it."

"Why are you doing this to me?" I ask, and am answered with a laugh suddenly harsh. I flinch, realizing I've just echoed what he asked me. But my hands are continuing on their journey, tweaking nipples and dusting over the planes in my torso. "Kazuki," I add, but he hisses at me to be quiet, and I find myself following his directions. What is this dark magic hold they have over me, he and Sakae both?

"Turnabout," he responds finally, and just as my fingers touch the clasp of my slacks, the phone line goes dead.

Perhaps he's becoming as scared as I am.

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User: trio Date: 2007-08-08 00:07 Subject: Calling In Security: Public

I used to think that men who took too much time off work were pitiful. Either they were too weak to bother with the work themselves or worse, they were in the thrall of someone who was. I thought that, for myself, I could never condone such actions. It never occurred to me that Sakae hadn't been seriously sick once since moving in.

It was embarrassing, calling my superior and letting him know that I couldn't come in for the next few days, but it was worse thinking of Sakae laying at home, feverish and bedridden, so I did it. There were no comments or questions of me. There was only a quiet admonishment to return as soon as possible, so that I didn't fall very far behind. And I fully agreed. But as I replaced the phone in its cradle and moved to linger in Sakae's doorway, watching the sleeping man, I realized that 'as soon as possible' did not mean 'before he's well'.

I doubt he even knows I'm here, as I sponge the sweat off his face with a damp cloth. He seems half out of it, murmuring words I can't quite catch and clinging to my sleeve every time he feels me close. I haven't told Kazuki about Sakae just yet. I know I should - he'll probably be furious that I'm keeping this to myself, but I have so little, and the few words of hope that either of them have offered have been squashed by reality. My hand lifts, fingering through Sakae's bangs as I wonder what it would have been like, giving into that simple request he'd had. Or better still, offering myself before Kazuki had taken the opportunity.

Funny, that, even now, I don't know whose arms wrap around me from behind when I'm dreaming of being held.

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User: trio Date: 2007-08-08 00:06 Subject: Phone Security: Public

Something has to give. I'm laying here, staring up at the ceiling, and the only thing I can think is that what's going to give is going to be me. Giving up... giving in. Just giving, really. It's like an addiction, destroying me from the inside out, and every time I think of Sakae with someone else, I want to stalk down the hall, throw open his door and lay claim. But he isn't mine, however much I want him to be, and no matter how often I envision that slender form under mine, face twisted with desperate pleasure, it's never real.

I groan, scrubbing at my face with one hand as the fantasy I'd meant to only lightly touch upon hits my brain full-force. It's been shifting of late, and this time is no exception. As one hand creeps down to my hip, lingering there while my mind works, I see him over me. At first, he's riding me, head thrown back and chest out. I can see it as though it were real. In my mind's eye, my hands climb up that flawless chest, lingering at dusky nipples to twist and pinch, until little gasps of pain and pleasure spill from his lips. But that voice is changing, deepening slightly. I gasp, catching his arm and pulling him down, and for a moment, it's Kazuki staring back at me, his lips on mine. As soon as the sight registers, it's gone, and I'm scrambling up from the bed to pace to the window.

What's wrong with me? Is it just frustration? A simple need to deal with the temptation of the boy living with me? Or is the shifting fantasy something more, some deeper meaning in my psyche that's echoing Kazuki's darker thoughts. Is Sakae playing with us both? I don't know. All I know is that the thought of touching my archrival has some strange appeal that I can't completely ignore. Before that train of thoughts finishes, I've reached out, fingers curling around my phone. I know Kazuki's number, had to program it into my phone in case there were issues with Sakae. But now, I dial it for a different reason. I wait until he picks up, and slowly, I slide my hand to my crotch, stroking there lightly through the fabric. "Kazuki..." The word is whispered into the phone and I can almost hear him freeze up.

"Where are you?" he demands of me, and I just laugh more, the sound horribly strained. He falls silent at that, and for a few moments, all that can be heard is the two of us breathing, one over the phone and one on the other end. When my thoughts finally organize themselves, I almost blanch. But... if nothing else, this could be considered stress relief, right? A few moments' respite from the world around us?

"Wh-what are you wearing, Kazuki?" I manage, in a deep, husky voice. That's how these phone calls start, after all. I hear him catch his breath, and the lingering silence makes me wonder. Why isn't he just hanging up? What is it that's keeping him on the line? Now that he has my blessings with Sakae... what's next?

"Boxers," he says, and I freeze, eyes wide and staring blankly at that small crack in my ceiling. What? "You caught me just out of the shower." There's a faint embarrassment in his voice, as though he's admitting to something horribly dirty, and in my mind, I can see the way those tanned cheeks are coloring pink.

"Still wet?" I ask, when the pause has stretched out between us until I'm overly aware of the way his breath sounds on the phone. At my question, there's a hiss of indrawn breath, and a soft, barely-heard 'oof' that tells me he sat down hard. He's still not hanging up... "I bet your hair is dripping down onto your back, isn't it?"

"Yeah," he whispers, and even with that concealing tone, I can hear the strain. Could it be that he's as bad off as I am?

My hand slips down, flicking open my pants as I continue to talk to him. "Pull some around over your shoulder. Let the drops fall along your chest instead," I direct, my eyes now closed as I envision it in my head. My hand has moved up now that the immediate pressure is released, and is making short work of the button-up I'm wearing. "Is it cold?"

"Cool, yeah," he murmurs, his breath hitching slightly. Is he touching himself yet? Maybe trailing blunt fingernails over his chest, or stroking himself. Whatever he's doing, he sounds utterly delicious, and for a moment, thoughts of Sakae are finally eradicated from my mind.

"Get out of your boxers. I want to see you," I direct, and now my fingers are squeezing my own nipples, rolling them as I pretend it's Kazuki's mouth on them. One hand lifts, and I pause in my speech for a moment to wet a single finger before stroking it over one nipple. When the air hits a moment later, turning the moisture cool, it hardens into a little pebble.

"See?" he questions softly.

"My fantasy, my rules," I tell him, wondering if he'll hang up now. I wait for it, my hand sliding down to stroke at my cock once more. It's odd. I thought I hated him, but now, hearing him like this... I want to know how he sounds when he comes, when every drop of pleasure is being wrung from his willing body.

"Do you like what you see?" he asks finally, and I freeze, a shuddery breath the only thing I can manage. It takes a moment before my throat can open enough for words again.

"Yes. Gods, Kazuki," I manage, and hear a shaky, shuddering breath in return. It could be pleasure, but knowing what has gone on between us until now... "Why are you crying?" I try to put all the gentleness I can manage into that question, while my hand is stroking madly.

"It's nothing," he manages, and that small answer admits that he is crying to me. Why do I suddenly want to drop the phone, get his address and go to him? Aren't I the one pulling strings here? "Why are you doing this to me?" he finally asks, and I pause there, knowing inwardly that if I give an answer that's even slightly false, this is the end. His breath hitches again, and my arms feel incredibly empty now, useless weights at hung from my shoulders. Why can't I put aside my fear and go comfort him?

"Because...," I start, and then I'm just laying there, cock half-hard and forgotten and soul aching for him. He sounded so lost, so utterly alone. And the only reason I can think of... the only thing that makes perfect sense to my soul, if not my mind is, "Because I need you." But that's too close. It's too much bared to him, too dangerous a place to consider, and before he can reply, I've hung up the phone. I drop it to the bed beside me, staring up at the ceiling as tears slide down the side of my face from my eyes, tickling my ears. And I listen as the phone rings.

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User: trio Date: 2007-08-08 00:05 Subject: Coffee in the Park Security: Public

We need to talk.

I'm sitting in the park where I told him I'd meet him, and those words are the only ones that chase themselves around my head. Not a day ago, I sat here, staring at my cellphone and wondering about Kaneda and coffee. But he was the one who called, and only the gods know what he wants to talk to me about. If he'd sounded angry, I would've guessed that he was still thinking about that not-quite-kiss we shared, Sakae and I. But he'd sounded resigned, instead of angry, and part of me wonders whether it has anything to do with my unkind thoughts of Sakae yesterday.

When he drops onto the bench beside me, he holds out a steaming cup of coffee. It's a nice gesture in the early morning, and I sip it gratefully. It's with no little shock that I realize that he's made it as perfect as take-out coffee ever comes. When did he ever learn my sugar and creamer preference? I dare a glance at him, and he's not looking at me. Instead, he's staring blankly ahead, his own cup clasped loosely in one hand.

"Sakae tells me you confessed your feelings," he murmurs, and I'm instantly wary. Nice gesture or no, he's the one who doesn't seem to approve. His cup lifts, and he sips from it without expression. At this moment, he looks so incredibly unapproachable, I have to wonder if anyone's ever dared to touch him.

"So?" I challenge, a bit belatedly. At that, his eyes shift to me, and now I'm the one looking away, my cheeks a dull red. I try to hide it by taking a sip from my coffee, but from the corner of my eye, I can see him nod.

"Sakae is very fragile. To play with him would be... cruel," he points out, his words obviously measured. Annoyed at his presumption, I turn to speak, and his hand comes up, fingers pressing against my lips before I can do more than take a breath. A small voice in the back of my mind notes how warm they feel. "Hear me out," he directs, and I give a mute nod. Why is it, when his hand pulls away, I almost lean with it to keep those fingers pressed against my skin a moment longer? "Sakae has taken you very seriously, but he has no experience with this. If you intended nothing more than a short term... romp..., please find someone else. Sakae cannot be toyed with."

I can't help it. I promised to hear him out, but the insults sting. "You think that's all I'm capable of? Some short term little fuck and then I'm on my way and I don't care about his broken heart?" I set down the coffee cup before I crush it, wanting more than anything to punch that sincere expression off his face. "Has it ever occurred to you that he might be the one toying with us?" As soon as I say it, even before his eyes go wide, I realize my mistake. I'd admitted knowing what he's feeling. That... is not gonna go down well.

But instead of the temper flaring that I expect, he is remarkably quiet, turning away as his cheeks burn a dark red. "...It has occurred to you, hasn't it?" I whisper, and he jerks up, his coffee cup tumbling to the ground. Part of it splashes on his pants, but he doesn't seem to notice. "Wait," I demand, rising with him and catching his arm. "You hate me. Why are you doing this?"

For a brief moment, there is fury in his eyes. But it's gone before I can say anything, and he tugs his arm free, turning away. As he walks off, he says simply, "Because Sakae loves you."

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User: trio Date: 2007-08-08 00:04 Subject: Shifting Thoughts Security: Public

Damn that Kaneda. Who does he think he is, looking at me like that? I wouldn't have balked like that if he hadn't been looking at me that way. At least... I don't think I would've.

I stop, rethinking the scene yet again. Sakae - gentle, sweet Sakae - asking me to kiss him like that, and then doing so. I haven't stopped dreaming of him since that night at his house. I've even told him how I felt. He never outright rejected me, but until a half hour ago, I certainly got the impression that I'd horrified him with my confession. The way he was so willing to dismiss the conversation at the first chance... and every time I thought about that, I thought about Kaneda in his room, stroking himself as he watched Sakae.

But if Sakae has Kaneda, then why ask me? Is this some sort of game for them? For him? I pause halfway through the park, unable to keep from taking that unhappy thought to its logical conclusion. If it is a game for Sakae... am I the prize... or the opposition? And even as I wonder that, I'm beginning to think that it doesn't matter. I'd like to wipe that glare from Kaneda's face. He wears it with the air of someone who never looks any different, and that leads me to wonder... is he also a game to Sakae? Is that why he visits in the night, alone in his passion?

Even as my thoughts shift, my sympathy does. No longer is Kaneda the nemesis painted in my mind. Instead, he's becoming almost a kindred spirit, someone who might understand the pain I'm going through here. I dig out my cellphone and stare at it, wondering. Would he come out for coffee if I asked to speak to him? My thumb taps out their number, and I almost hit 'send' before realizing what I'm doing. Are my emotions so worthless? Am I really that fickle, that I'd consider calling out the 'other man' the moment a hint of resistance is shown? I slump onto a park bench, shoving the phone in my pocket and staring out at the small pond nearby. What the hell am I doing anymore?

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User: trio Date: 2007-08-08 00:03 Subject: Heat Security: Public

There's a dull thud as the door closes behind me, and I sag back against it, all anger draining from me. Perhaps I can fault Kazuki, who seems to know precisely how I watch Sakae, but to blame Sakae himself is beyond me. Blaming Sakae for that kiss would be like blaming the sky for the sun's setting. Had I been thinking, I would have stepped back outside of the apartment, and granted them that minute of privacy to protect Sakae. But at the time, I couldn't move. The pain was so sharp, and the anger so hot, that I couldn't really believe I wasn't burning to death right there, destroyed by my own jealousy. It's not just that I want Sakae. I don't want Kazuki to touch him again... ever. I want to be the only one he sees, and the funny thing is, knowing that it's impossible only makes me want it more.

I finally push away from the door, loosening my tie and moving to the closet. The tie goes on its hook, and I'm peeling off my jacket and slacks. I'll get changed and go out, maybe get drunk. Surely that's preferable to lingering here in the heavy silence. I can't speak to Sakae, and after what I've done to him, surely he has nothing to say to me.

"It isn't what you think."

I whirl, my tshirt half-buttoned as I stare at where Sakae is standing in the doorway. My jeans are still gaping open, but I can't do anything to hide it, I'm so busy staring at him. He clears his throat, then steps into the room, closing the door behind himself and sitting at the foot of my bed as he watches me. "A few weeks ago, Kazuki confessed to me," he explains, and my brain freezes for a moment. Confession? So the kiss was real, despite my attempts to convince myself it couldn't be. I stare at Sakae, and he rises, padding to me. One hand reaches out, splaying against my chest. He's frowning at me, seeming almost angry. "Don't."

"Don't what?" I manage to ask, feeling the heat of his hand like a smelter through my shirt. If he touched bare skin, would I burn?

"Don't look at me like that," he murmurs, stepping forward a pace until our bodies are only inches apart. It would take so little to curl my arms around him, to cling to him as his fire consumed me. Only one thought keeps my arms inert, hanging at my side like deadweight. After he has his fill of me, will he turn again to Kazuki? "Don't look so hurt, like I've destroyed everything that makes life worth living." The words are sharper this time, and I lean in a bit, wanting desperately to touch bare skin to bare skin. This heat through the shirt is maddening.

"I'm sorry," I murmur, and I honestly have no idea whether I'm apologizing for the look or for the way I'm not holding him. How can anyone possibly believe love is blind when it's this complicated? Or is it the fact that we don't see clearly that makes such a mess of things.

"Just don't do it," he counters, searching my eyes. "Will you kiss me?"

What?!

"That's what I asked him," Sakae continues, lifting his other hand to cup my cheek. I'm helpless now, completely enthralled. There were once sirens who killed sailors by enthralling them and drawing them to run their ships aground. I can't help wondering if perhaps there's a bit of siren in Sakae, too. "I've never really kissed anyone before, and I want to know what it's like. I want to know if he's 'the one'; that's why I asked him to kiss me. But now, I need a basis for comparison."

My arms curl around him, and for a moment, our lips are so close our breathing mingles. I wonder whether I'll be able to stop kissing him, once I've started. There's such a bittersweet hope to it all. Perhaps he'll throw Kazuki away and stay with me alone. But even as I think that, I'm drawing back. "A kiss..." How bitter do those words sound to him, I wonder. "No, Sakae. When I kiss someone, it's for more than comparison." He frowns, pulling back, and the moment those hands are gone, an icy chill descends in their place. How cold it is, after his warmth...

"I see," he says stiffly, turning to stalk out of the room. The door slams behind him, and I slump onto the bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling. Is there any way I can possibly make more of a mess?

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User: trio Date: 2007-08-08 00:02 Subject: Kiss Security: Public

"Tea?"

"No, thank you."

Confession makes for awkward silences. I've learned that, in the weeks since Kazuki told me how he feels. Before, it was always fun to be around him. He made me smile, and shared so many things with me that I never expected. But now, it's nothing but long silences stretching out between studying. I miss the days of camaraderie between us, but more and more, I watch his hands, and I wonder what it would be like, to ask him to touch me. Or I watch his lips. I've never been kissed before. Would it feel like the stories describe? Is it different, kissing another man? The thought alone is almost enough to make me tell him 'yes', that I will be his boyfriend.

But...

I'm not fair to Kazuki. I know that. That's why I haven't said anything, despite the way he looks at me with those glass-green eyes of his. Because as much as I think about what it might be like to touch him or kiss him, I also find myself watching Kaneda. They're very different, but now that I've noticed how Kazuki watches me, I see how alike they are as well. They're both on guard around me now, hovering around with this expectant air, as though they're anticipating something I'll say or do. I expected it from Kazuki, but to see the same look in Kaneda's eyes... I wonder whether he'd confess, too, if he knew that Kazuki already has.

"Kazuki?" The soft question is out before I even realize it, and as he looks up, I find myself caught in that gaze again. My heart is thudding in my chest, and I wonder once more, whether his lips would be soft against mine, whether they'd yield to me or demand my own capitulation. I swallow, and as he frowns slightly, I speak again without meaning to. "Would you kiss me?"

"K-k-kiss?" Kazuki stutters, and despite the maelstrom in my stomach, I can't help smiling slightly. Perhaps I would be the one leading, after all...

"Just once? I've never been kissed before," I admit, finding no shame in the statement. It's not my fault that my body's so weak. "I want to know what it feels like." Besides... isn't there supposed to be some flash of insight when you kiss? Some knowledge of 'this is the one'? Couldn't I use this as a test, to figure out how I really feel about Kazuki?

"But...," he murmurs, and I lean in, my smile hovering so close to his face that I can feel his breath on my lips. A soft sound comes from his throat, and I'm amazed at the feeling of power I get from it. So wonderful, knowing that he's reacting that way just because of me. One of his hands comes up, cupping my cheek and tilting my head ever so slightly. It's warm against my skin, the heat spreading slowly through me from that touch, and I stop caring who will lead and who will follow. Can his lips be as warm as his hand?

Our lips graze each other before he jerks back, his hand pulling free of my cheek so sharply he overturns a nearby waterglass. I blink at the sudden movement, and look up, and there's Kaneda in the doorway, glowering down at both of us as though ready to kill.

...No, that isn't quite right. He's glaring so darkly at Kazuki, because the moment his eyes turn to mine, he looks hurt, not angry. I hear Kazuki make some excuse, hear the commotion of him scrambling to gather up his books and leave, but I can't stop watching Kaneda. I've never seen him so angry before. He's almost beautiful this way, the fire in his eyes burning so brightly. As the door slams shut behind Kazuki, Kaneda finally looks at me again. The fire is gone now, and he says nothing, but the pure weight of his hurt keeps me from rising. This isn't a game to me, but as I watch him pad across the floor to his room, I realize that it's just become a lot more serious.

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User: trio Date: 2007-08-08 00:01 Subject: Confession Security: Public

"You... what?" I asked softly, and only the fact that I was already sitting kept me from sliding to the floor with a thump. I couldn't possibly have just heard what I thought I did. It had to be a dream... a very bizarre dream. But Kazuki repeated the words, his face so painfully earnest that all I could do was nod. Kazuki liked me? There was no doubt he believed the words. Which, I suppose, made them true. Still, the very thought of what he'd just told me had my head reeling. "Since when?"

"Since...," he started, and I saw his cheeks pink. "I'm not sure when," he finally continued, his eyes sliding away from me in that moment. He knew when. As earnest as he'd been before, now his dishonesty was blatant. I began to wonder if Kazuki could truly decieve anyone. But I let it go. To find yourself attracted to another man was bad enough. No need to compound the pain for him by pressing what was obviously an uncomfortable matter.

"So you... like me," I said softly, relaxing a little when he didn't just pounce me. Not that I really expected such savage actions from Kazuki, but it was still comforting to know that whatever he thought this was, he didn't just view me as something to screw. I was so focussed on Kazuki, that I jumped a little when Moonlight hopped into my lap, sharp little kitten-claws kneading my jeans. Kazuki flinched when I jumped, looking away again, and I sighed. Clearly, this was going to be something that had to be sorted through, if he was going to stick around.

I leaned my cheek on one hand, the other petting Moonlight's soft fur gently. But the kitten had other plans, and in the midst of this serious conversation, I found her chasing my fingertips, nipping at them in what was obviously meant to be play bites, though her teeth were making short work of my skin. I ignored the punctures, not wanting to lose track of this conversation, but before I could continue, Kazuki had risen, hurrying to get a wet paper towel before returning. "You should see to this," he said, taking my hand in his and dabbing oh-so-gently at the little nips. I hesitated, then decided to let things go at that. Clearly, we both needed some time to adjust to this.

But his hands were awfully warm against mine.

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User: trio Date: 2007-08-07 23:50 Subject: Kitten Security: Public

"What is that?" I ask, stepping inside and removing my jacket. My tie follows a moment later, loosened until it was simply draped over my shoulders. But my eyes are fixed firmly on the tiny ball of fluff currently hunched over a bowl on the ground. Sakae is sitting right next to it, pale fingers stroking over the silver fur. He looks up at me, his eyes a mix of fear and hope that hold me firm.

"She's a kitten," he says after a moment, and when he beckons me toward them, I find myself moving forward, pausing only long enough to toe off my shoes. It's a moment before I sit down opposite Sakae, examining the kitten curiously. "I found her at the park. She's too thin."

I look up, prepared to tell him that he should've called Animal Control, and find my voice stilled. He looks so... happy, sitting there stroking the kitten lightly. "Sakae," I start, and the sight of his face closing off, the hand slowly slipping away from the soft fur, is enough to undo me. I sigh, revising my thoughts. "...What do you intend to call her?" His face lights up, until the smile he turns on me is blinding. I really am doomed when it comes to him.

"I'll call her Moonlight," he tells me, and I raise an eyebrow. His explanation leaves me dry-mouthed. "When the moonlight comes into my room, it's silver, like she is. What do you think?" He lifts her, holding her out so that I can hold her, and I find myself taking her. She feels dwarfed in my hands, and looks up at me with a tiny mewl before making herself at home. This is dangerous, I can't help thinking.

"Is Kazuki coming tomorrow?" I ask, and Sakae nods. For a moment, it's tempting to tell him to get Kazuki's help in ensuring Moonlight has everything she needs. But a jealous desire to be the one who makes Sakae smile like this stops me, and instead I rise, handing Moonlight back to Sakae. "Get your shoes on," I direct, eyeing the apartment before deciding that it would be better to have the animal with us. "And bring a towel to wrap... her in." Sakae looks at me oddly, and I sigh. "We're going to get supplies. I won't have her eating our food or... soiling our floor because we don't have what we need." I see the laughter in Sakae's eyes at my too-prim words, but he does as directed, wrapping her gently in a towel and tucking her against his chest before moving to slip on his shoes. As I pass to get my shoes back on, he catches my hand, his fingers warm against mine. I stop, staring down at our linked hands for a long, surprised minute.

"Thanks, Kaneda," he says, squeezing lightly before letting go to slip out the door.

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User: trio Date: 2007-08-07 23:49 Subject: Sweaters Security: Public

"Sakae, can I ask you something?"

I glance up from my books, watching Kazuki curiously. It's rare he interrupts me when I'm studying, unless it's to point out what I've missed. But that's never done in this tone, and the way he's staring at me now, my throat goes oddly dry. It takes me a moment to answer, because I'm watching him and trying to make sense of what's going on, but I finally do. "Of course."

"Why sweaters?" His hand reaches out, plucking at the thick sweater I wear, and I shiver slightly, feeling the material graze over one of my nipples. Had he intended to do that? I can't tell, because he's getting up now to get a drink, and his back is to me. "It's already pretty warm in here," he continues, as though his touch hadn't been bothersome in the slightest. "Aren't you just torturing yourself?"

"Ah... no," I manage, but only after clearing my throat. He sort of looks back at me, but it's an odd way: not really looking at me as much as simply hinting that he's paying attention by turning slightly in my direction. I'm not sure what to make of that, so I shake my head, trying to clear it. Ever since he spent a week away, I've been second-guessing him. At the time, he'd said he needed to study for upcoming finals, but since then, everything's felt slightly off... slightly odd, like the feel of his thumb plucking at my nipple through the thick sweater. "I'm so thin, I get cold really easily. It's not fair to Kaneda if I keep it warm enough for me to be comfortable. Besides, I can always wear a little more."

"The sweaters you wear are so big, though. It always looks kinda like you're a kid hoping to grow that extra little bit soon," Kazuki laughs, and I flush darkly, looking down at my hands. He's right, when I think about it. Even now, the sleeves of the sweater come halfway down my palms, and I can feel the wide turtleneck snuggled against my jaw.

"I like them that way. Besides... I was told they look cute on me," I say, trying to be flippant and teasing. I'd smile, too, but he hasn't yet turned around.

"Who said that?" he asks, and somehow, the question sounds important, slightly emphasized. I stare at his back, trying to make sense of the conversation. Why does all this seem noteworthy? What does it matter whether I wear sweaters or tshirts? And most of all, why does the name still in my throat for a moment before coming out far softer than I ever intended.

"Kaneda."

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User: trio Date: 2007-08-07 23:48 Subject: Coming to Terms Security: Public

What the hell am I doing? I stare at the phone in my hands, and I can't stop thinking that everything's changed, and really, the only thing that's changed is me. It's been almost a week since I've seen Sakae or Kaneda, and in that time, I've barely thought of anything else. Thoughts of Sakae are bad enough, but I can't help recalling the way his skin glowed silver in the moonlight, bare and beautiful. It made me ache to touch it, though I never expected to have such an urge for another man. But at least I can almost accept these feelings for Sakae. I would never touch him without his permission, and the thought of seeing him again makes me shiver and ache all at once.

But the one keeping me away is Kaneda. What are they to each other, that he'd visit Sakae's room in the middle of the night just to jack off? Was that the real reason Sakae wanted me in the room? Because he thought I could somehow protect him from Kaneda's sight? Or was Kaneda the liar, talking about that business overnight? Was it just a ruse to catch Sakae off-guard? All these thoughts whirl inside my brain, but the one that keeps coming back up, no matter how hard I try to banish it, is how incredible Kaneda looked, framed in the window as his gold mingled with Sakae's silver. They're such opposites all the time, from personalities to bodies, and my mind's eye can't help but dwell on how they'd look entwined, limbs tangled as they give into whatever this is between them. It's just...

One thing troubles me through all these thoughts, through the fantasies that I play over and over again as I linger in the bathtub, or lay in bed staring up at the ceiling. If they give into this... if they pursue it... where does that leave me? I shift in bed, turning onto my side and resting my hand against the rest of the pillow, empty as always, and all I can feel about this is lost. I have a decision to make. I have to figure out whether I want to continue to go back there, knowing what I know now, or if I want to break things off cleanly, before my friendship with Sakae becomes even more complicated. The thought of not seeing him again is a pain in my gut, but with it comes the knowledge that I wouldn't ever have to face that icy look of Kaneda's.

And that's something else, I realize as I lay there. I understand that look finally. I know what prompted it. I know what Kaneda's thinking when he looks at me so coldly. Whenever I was with Sakae, we laughed so freely. It wasn't that he hated me specifically. It must be jealousy - he must want what it is I have with Sakae.

It's no good. I can't sleep again, and thinking about the two has tightened my body until I know it will take some relief before I can relax again enough to sleep. I sit up, resting my hand on my cheek as I sit in the dark thinking. My free hand trails along the sheets as my eyes close again. I like to think that I'm being moral when I try to hold off the desire, but I never really succeed. Instead, it's just a matter of my hand creeping closer and closer, until I can touch myself as the images float up once again. I focus on them, fighting with the pure pleasure in order to attempt objective thought. If I walked away now... what would it really accomplish? But it isn't objective thought that brings me to my final decision. It's a single memory... Sakae's smile.

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User: trio Date: 2007-08-07 23:46 Subject: Rain Dancing Security: Public

It's the third day that Kazuki's called to cancel on me. I'm not too worried, honestly. From what I can tell, I'm getting faster schooling this way than if I were able to go to class. But all the same, it's disappointing. I've gotten used to the distraction he offers me during the day, while Kaneda's out doing whatever it is he does all day. Today, I'm feeling really good, and I tap the glass of the balcony door. If only it weren't raining, I'd feel good enough to do something outside, maybe even hit the park and get some sun. It's a gloomy feeling, to be stuck inside on a day when I'm itching to do something, and I glance over at the radio. If I can't do anything outside, perhaps I can at least do something inside.

Wanting the fresh air, I go ahead and open the balcony door. It's unlikely the rain will get so far in. And then I head back, flicking the radio on and playing with it until a good beat fills the room. That's better! It's some sort of pop song, the girl's voice light and airy as she sings, and the song itself is full of all those teenage dreams of independence. I laugh, even as I start twirling around to the beat. Activity feels so good right now. My arms lift, wrists crossing as I continue to dance, not so much interested in any particular moves as in the feeling of my body exerting itself, muscles welcoming the exercise. As I dance, I can feel my worries lift away, until the thick sweater I always wear seems heavier. And even in my slender body, which feels even the slightest draft as biting cold, that sweater is becoming too heavy. I shove it off, ignoring where it falls to the floor as my eyes fall on the open balcony door again.

It will be cold out there with the crisp spring wind and the rain. But before I can really chastise myself for thinking of it, I've turned the radio up louder, and her voice carries out into the gentle patter of raindrops. Once more, I'm spinning. But this time, there are little bits of wet on me, chilling my skin and keeping it from overheating. I lose track of the sensations after a bit, too caught up in where my feet are and how the music feels as it washes through me. So when it stops abruptly, cut off halfway through a song, I freeze too. My eyes immediately shoot to the indoors, expecting to see some sort of power outage. What I do not expect to see is Kaneda standing there, his brown eyes glowering at me.

"What do you think you're doing?" he demands, waving me inside. "You'll catch your death out there!"

I blink at the way his words sound strained, and a fat waterdrop falls from my bangs directly onto the tip of my nose. It's... funny, really, and before I know it, he's catching my hand and guiding me inside while I'm doubled over with laughter. The laughter continues while he heads to the linen closet to get a towel, and when he returns, I've mostly calmed. I take the towel, rubbing at my dripping hair, and then look up at him, and the laughter in me stills. He has this incredibly gentle smile on his face, and his eyes are suddenly like rich chocolate, wrapping me in warmth. I reach a wondering hand toward his cheek, and almost immediately, his look shutters, red suffusing his cheeks as he turns away. "Where's Kazuki?"

"He's not coming today," I manage, trying to keep the hurt out of my voice. I wrap the towel around my shoulders - the chill is really hitting me, and suddenly a warm soak sounds like a really good reason to get away from him. "I'm gonna go soak for a while. Are you working tonight?"

"Yes, but I'll deal with dinner before I go," he promises, and I nod, not willing to bother questioning it. I don't look at him again before I make my way to the bathroom, filling the tub with hot water and climbing inside. Once the warmth surrounds me, I lean my head back, staring up at the ceiling. Is it really such a strange thing, to touch another man? There was nothing sexual about it, nothing he should have any reason to worry about. I just... wanted to ensure the expression I saw was real.

I don't get out until the water starts to feel cool to me, and once out, I pause to stand in front of the mirror, staring at myself. I should really find a girlfriend, I suppose. I'm not exactly ugly, though a lot of girls don't really like the delicate features I sport. My hand lifts, fingers feathering over my cheekbones before I lift them to my hair, pulling it away from where it frames my face. But my face needs that frame - it softens the almost too-sharp features. I wonder, for a brief moment, if I could pass for a girl, given the right outfit, and then shake my head. The idea is... distasteful to me. I wouldn't dress as a girl any more than I'd date one, and I'm fully aware of both problems.

Finally, I turn away, heading back to retrieve my sweater. Kaneda's already gone, but there's a note about takeout in the refrigerator, and an admonishment to stay warm. He really mothers me too much.

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User: trio Date: 2007-08-07 23:44 Subject: Complications Security: Public

I can't help glancing at the time over and over again. It's well past the time Kaneda usually comes home, but there's been no sign of him. I've grown so used to anticipating the sound of the door opening and shutting, and then having to spend the next hour or so readying myself to face that hateful look he wears, that the lack of sound is disturbing me. I murmur something, tapping the book we're looking at, and glance once more at the clock. Now I'm looking every five minutes or so, and I've still got a half-hour before I leave. At this rate, the time will drag interminably.

"...you listening?" I drag myself back to the present and realize that Sakae's asked a question. He's watching me expectantly, his cheek nestled on one hand and his eyes thoughtful as he watches me. It's enough to make me blush faintly, and I pray he doesn't notice the extra heat in my cheeks.

"I'm sorry. It's just... shouldn't your brother have already gotten home by now?" I ask, trying to sound casual about the question. I just need to relax. It shouldn't take much for me to ready myself to face him. It's just that those eyes of his can be scary when he focuses such a glare. It takes me a moment to realize that Sakae's answering again, his own eyes downcast now.

"He's on a business overnight." Sakae doesn't sound precisely upset by this. If anything, he sounds pensive, as though he were trying to decide something. "There was a note when I woke this morning."

"It bothers you." Not an unreasonable suspicion. Sakae's eyes have looked a bit more sunken of late, the shadows beneath them darker than normal. "Are you afraid something might happen while he's gone?"

"It's stupid." False bravado from him, and he squares his shoulders, closing the books. We still have half an hour before my job is officially over, but I make no move to protest. Really, I don't think I'll be up to covering the last little bit today anyway. "You'll laugh."

"I won't," I frown, closing my books as well, and starting to put them away. "You should know me better than that, Sakae." The suggestion hurts, honestly. I may laugh with him, but I never laugh at him. I watch his long-fingered hands toy with the corner of one paper, and add softly, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"It's... the nightmare." There's a pregnant pause as he waits for me to remember, but it isn't difficult. It's the only dream he's ever told me about, and even if it weren't, somehow the thought of it lingers in my head, making me shiver. "It's come a lot recently. And... it's changing." That catches my attention, and I look up at him curiously. But before I can ask, he's rising to pad to the window, still talking. "I can't smell my mother's perfume anymore. It's beginning to feel like she just doesn't exist... like she never has. And...," he adds, then hesitates, one hand gripping the windowsill as he looks out on the city below. I'm so caught up in watching his face in the windowpane that it takes me a moment to realize his knuckles are white.

"...And?" I prompt softly.

"And... I'm afraid that if she fades like that... that my father will fade, too. And maybe I'll stop waking up eventually, and be stuck there forever." A shudder through those delicate shoulders, and I push myself up, unable to stop from going to him. My hand on his shoulder looks shockingly large, and I'm careful not to really squeeze. Maybe he's not as delicate as he seems, but I don't want to take the risk. He sighs, head falling forward until his forehead is resting against the window, and he's staring blankly at the glass instead of the scene beyond. "Will you stay tonight?"

I'm so caught up in the play of emotions over his face that it takes me a moment to make sense of the question. And when I finally do, I'm left blinking, like a cat that the canary has surprised. "Wh-what?"

"Stay overnight. Can you?" He's careful to keep his voice soft, but I can still hear the plea within the words. "You told me you live alone, so I thought... but maybe you have plans...?" Such hesitance on his part.

I swallow, reaching up to stroke my hand over the fine hair once before I agree, my voice as soft as his. "I'll stay. I... won't let you stay in that dream."

Immediately, Sakae's whole face brightens, and he straightens, turning to smile at me. I'm lost now. Even if I wanted to find a way to get out of this promise, I couldn't. He's too happy. "Great! I'll order out for food, and we have some movies we can watch." He slips past me, his shoulder brushing mine as he heads to start making things ready, and I blink, turning to watch him go. I've never much bothered with dating, or sex. So why did I have the sudden urge to lean over and kiss him?

I mull on that as I go to pick up our books and papers. The thought of kissing another boy doesn't fill me with shock or horror. I always faintly suspected that I might have some leanings in that direction, really, because I've certainly never wanted to suddenly kiss a girl. And even though Sakae's delicate, and if he worked at it, he could probably pass for a girl, I don't think the thought of kissing him had anything to do with that. It felt more like... I wanted to somehow taste that smile.

I'm still thinking when we eat a couple hours later, though I'm able to pay close enough attention to the conversation to answer Sakae properly. And I'm no longer thinking of leaning over and just kissing him. But even though the urge has faded, the memory of it hasn't, and I'm noticing little things now, like how his fingers look as he readies the video we're to watch, or the way his slender body folds into the couch, nestling into one corner. He doesn't protest when I choose the opposite corner, and I can only think that I've somehow managed to keep him from noticing my preoccupation. I almost miss his assurance that this movie we're watching is a good one, but it wouldn't have mattered anyway, because I'm not seeing it. I may be staring at the screen, but I'm far more aware of the way the cushions move when he shifts to a comfortable position. Is it desire doing this to me? Is it just years of pent-up need finally wanting a way to escape? But... it doesn't feel like that, exactly. Instead, it feels more like I'm finally really noticing him.

When the movies are done, we head to his room, getting ready for bed. I would've liked to have stayed up longer, but school comes early enough the next day that I need sleep. And so he sets his alarm clock, and we arrange a pallet on the floor between his bed and the floor-to-ceiling windows. I can lay in bed and watch the city as I drift to sleep, and the thought sounds very good.

It's as we're brushing our teeth that the next awkward moment comes. Sakae's clothing is too small, and I don't dare ask for a pair of Kaneda's pajamas. "Sakae...?" He looks up, those blue eyes bright and smiling. "I... don't have anything to wear to bed." And now that I've spoken, we're both blushing, our eyes skirting away from each other.

"That's okay," he whispers, hesitating a moment before rinsing his brush and mouth. "I... don't like the feel of things on me when I sleep. Wearing anything... always makes the nightmare come." I swallow at that, and then choke, the minty toothpaste disgusting. It takes me a moment to get it out of my mouth, and to rinse my own brush, and during that time, I've summoned my own bravado. If that's the way it is... then we'll just make do.

"Ah... okay..." I know my words are stammered, but I can't help that. Still, when he looks hesitantly at me, I offer a bright smile back. No need for him to know my consternation. "Then it's not a concern. Besides... it's not like we're even going to be in the same bed."

"Right. Right," he agrees, visibly relaxing. A moment later, he adds, "We can get undressed with the lights off."

I nod. That sounds like the best I'll get, after all. We head back to the bedroom, and the lights go off, leaving the room bathed in moonlight and the faint glow from the city lights below us. It's enough light for me to see, if I'm looking, so I don't. Instead, I focus on shedding all clothing but my briefs, knowing that they just might preserve my sanity in this. Once that's done, and the clothes are folded beside my pallet so that they'll be suitable for tomorrow's classes, I slip under the sheets, turning to look at the window. The view really is breathtaking. We say our goodnights, and I listen to his breathing change slowly from waking to sleeping, my eyes drifting closed as I watch the beauty outside the window.

I'm jerked out of sleep later, still in the middle of the night, by the sound of harsher breathing. For a moment, I lay in that pallet, staring up at the ceiling and swallowing as the evening's memories come to me. Sakae... is that Sakae's nightmare that I'm hearing? Those faint, mostly-stifled grunts and the too-loud breaths seem odd in the silence, and I take a moment to glance at the window.

My eyes widen then. The light from the hallway is on, and Sakae's door is partially open, making the windows into a mirror instead. And although I'm able to see Sakae in the glass, my eyes are caught and held by the taller man near the door, his head thrown back as he rubs himself. Kaneda is home? Kaneda is... stroking off in Sakae's room? I wet dry lips, but I can't find a way to announce myself. I can only think that he hasn't seen me. My pallet must be hidden by the bed Sakae's sleeping in, because why on earth would Kaneda do this if I was here. Which leaves me thinking that he does this every other night, and I reel, staring at the lean body. One hand slips down without my realizing it, sliding into the briefs that have somehow become confining and I tug myself free, starting to stroke myself.

And then a soft sigh is heard in the room, and Sakae shifts until he's facing the window, and now I understand why Kaneda would dare to leave the door open. The sheet has dropped low on his body, and he's displayed in the window, like some painter's erotic arrangement. In sleep, he looks so much younger and softer, begging to be touched, and now I have both of them to look at and I can't help it. In one of my fleeting moments of coherence, I stuff the corner of the pillow into my mouth and fight to control my breathing, but I'm watching them both and stroking hard and fast now, nearly able to keep time with Kaneda as he fucks one hand, the other lifting to toy with his nipple. And I'm recalling the intensity of the way he watches me around Sakae, and I realize that he must hate me for my close relationship with his younger 'brother', but it also makes me wonder... how delicious would it be to have such an intensity focused on me?

It's a miracle that I manage to come before he does, my climax white-hot and blinding me as I fall back to let myself go. I stop a mess by rubbing my head as I come, more out of instinct that intelligence, and from there, I just lay listening to his harsh grunts come faster and faster, until the breathing stops entirely for several seconds. It's a few minutes before the quiet sounds of cleanup come, and I lay there, listening and smiling faintly. Things are suddenly infinitely more complicated... but at the moment, I feel too good to care.

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User: trio Date: 2007-08-07 23:43 Subject: Smile Security: Public

"Thank you for guiding me."

I smile gently at Sakae's formal words, lifting my hand in farewell as I stand in the doorway. It's hard to smile at the moment, when I can feel brown eyes staring at me coldly from the doorway to Kaneda's room, but I do my best to ignore that gaze. I'm two seconds from being out the door and on my way home, after all, and he won't exactly be following me. So whatever his issues are with me, in just a few minutes, I'll be free of them until tomorrow's session. I reach for the door, satchel gripped in my off hand, and slip through, but at the last minute, I can't resist glancing back at the soft smile of farewell Sakae is offering me. Once out the door, I fumble out my mp3 player, getting it set up before starting to head toward the bus stop.

I feel sorry for Sakae. I'm out of there, but delicate Sakae still has to face that guy over dinner before he finally goes off to his job. I can't help but wonder what's going on in his mind when he watches me with that hateful look of his. It could just be overprotectiveness, but that doesn't really feel right. However frail Sakae seems, I can't imagine their relationship is so close that Kaneda would feel that protective. Sakae told me that they only got to know each other in the last year or so, when Sakae was taken in by Kaneda's family. They may call each other 'brother', but they definitely aren't. They're far too opposite for that.

If it weren't for Kaneda's cold looks, tutoring Sakae would be really calming. I like him. He's fun to talk to, and his smile is like sunlight after a heavy rain. That smile is why I try to make all the lessons as much fun as possible. Seeing it makes me want to return to Sakae all the time, but Sakae's smiles fade when Kaneda gets home, and the last hour or so of our tutoring always passes without any smiles at all. I think, tomorrow, I'm really going to try to make Sakae smile in the last hour. If I can do that, I'll be able to defeat the cloud Kaneda brings.

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User: trio Date: 2007-08-07 23:42 Subject: Nightmare Security: Public

When I was young, I lost my mother. We'd been taken to a special aquarium, and I was lost in the crowd. Eventually, I extracted myself from the crowd by finding a service corridor, and I followed it to the end. The stench there was horrid, and I covered my mouth and nose with one hand, breathing in my mother's perfume as I fought my way. Only, there was no exit. Instead, there were two crude men, taking fish I'd never seen before and crushing them in this odd sculpture.

I was never a very strong person, but my heart couldn't let the torture go on. I grabbed the end, trying to hold it away from the fish as the men laughed at me. It didn't take long for the one doing the crushing to push past my attempts, and bits of fish spattered my scrawny legs and knees. I sat there, near the sculpture with my hand held over my nose, for a long time, the smell of my mother's perfume mingling with the stench of dead and rotting fish. But when I finally heard my name called, it was not my mother who stood there. It was, instead, my father holding his arms out to me and looking very grim. I didn't run into his arms because, at the time, I thought that he must be angry to find me so filthy in such a place. It was not until later that I learned about my mother's murder.

Even now, I see the grim expression on his normally gentle face, and I reach out with one hand, my mother's scent leaving my nostrils as I try to comfort him only to jerk awake. A dream. The dream, really, as it follows me everywhere. When Father died, I dreamt it. When Kaneda's family took me in, I dreamt it. When I moved with Kaneda, I dreamt it. Her scent, abused by the stench of fish, and cold, aching eyes watching me.

"Did you dream again?" Soft words, and I shift in bed, peering out into the gloom from where I lay. The hall light has caught his features, making him golden in the cool silver of my room, but that expression is as cold as the ache in my heart. So I lift one hand, offering it to him as I shift again, settling back into the covers.

"Ah... yeah." Only those words. I don't like giving him any more of myself than I have to. He's so cold all the time, so distant, that it feels like he steals those pieces away, hoarding them somehow. But fingers that bear the warm of his coloring close around mine, and he sits on the edge of the bed, ruffling my hair. So cold, and so distant, and yet somehow dependable in all this. He really is a mystery to me.

"Sleep. I'll stay." There's never a need for him to, but he always stays after the dream, sitting on the edge of my bed with one hand stroking through my hair lightly. That sensation always lulls me to sleep, giving me the rest that memories have stolen away. Kaneda is a man of contradictions, distant and dependable... cold and warm... selfish and giving. Someday, I intend to figure him out.

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User: trio Date: 2007-08-07 23:41 Subject: Reflection Security: Public

The farewells are quiet, careful not to disturb me. It must be me they're thinking of, because there's no one else in the apartment to bother. Soft words at the door, and then it shuts gently, and once more, it's just the two of us. These times are hardest for me, after his tutor leaves and before work begins. There's only an hour or two, really, but it seems like forever, as I listen to him moving around the apartment. Today, the footsteps are slow and measured, barely there at all. It's not surprising, really. He didn't sleep well last night, and woke hot. I sat by his bedside while he tossed and turned, listening to the way his breathing sped and wondering what was in those fevered dreams. He never talks about dreams, and I don't push. Really, we don't talk about much of anything.

Today's worse than usual. It's a free day for me, so I won't be going into work. Instead, I'll stay home and listen to his light footsteps, and eat with him. Eating with him is most dangerous. I keep our talk along a careful path, so that there's not a hint of impropriety, but it doesn't always work. He looks weak, and frail, but when he wants to know something, he's very good at getting what he wants. He thinks I humor him when I give in, but usually, I simply cannot say no. Maybe it's me who's really the weak one.

Normally, he cooks for us. He's good at it, and the kitchen is the one place where he really looks normal. Everywhere else, it's like he's already a ghost. But in the kitchen, he's king. On his bad days, though, I order in. I try to order things he's never tried. His face always lights up at the excitement of trying something different, even when he hates it. It's like he almost glows. The ones he really likes, he learns how to make. Tonight, I'm ordering in. As curious as he is to see what I get, he's a little angry at forcing me to order. He pouts like a little girl, and I simply smile and ruffle his hair.

I like touching his hair. It's darker than mine, because he's always inside, and so very soft. It falls to frame his face, and the way it rests, it really emphasizes his eyes. I muss it as many times as I can get away with. He keeps it too neat, and I like it better when it's just a little flyaway, so that he's got a bit of casualness to him. Besides, when I ruffle his hair, he smiles at me, and that smile is worth anything.

I'm done ordering once I've settled on two dishes he's never tried before. It's getting harder, now that we've lived together for a couple of months, to find things he's never experienced. I can usually tell by the gleam in his eyes, but I'm going to have to work harder in order to keep seeing that gleam. Once the ordering is done, I settle into the couch, listening to him chatter. He almost always talks about his lessons, which makes me smile, or his tutor, which brings an unwelcome stab of jealousy. If I had my way, Sakae would never see him again. But that's not my decision to make, and so I smile politely and nod. In my dreams, it is my name on his lips. But those are only my dreams.

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