Title: Tol Erresea.net
Genre:Humor
Pairings: Elrond/Legolas/Glorfindel, others implied
Rating: PG-13 for language, mild violence, and making out. There's not really much sex in this, more silly then anything.
Warnings: Complete and total irreverence. Insane silliness.
Plot Synopsis: The Noldor wire Valinor for the Internet and Elrond gets to see what the humans have
been saying about him. And the Noldor are completely insane in that special way that generally involves many explosions, all unintentional. Cause they just wanted to see what would happen.
Author's Note: All fanfics mentioned are property of their respective writers, except where I made
them up. All websites are real and owned by someone who is not me. And if you haven't read the Silmarillion, some of these characters may be new to you. I stuck in a little character summary thing at the end. Hope you enjoy.


------------------------------------------------------------
The Council of the Valar. Which has more recently become known as the Council of Dealing with these Bloody Elves Who Will not Stop Complaining.

"The Noldor are becoming a problem."

"Since when are the Noldor not a problem?"

"Okay, good point. But the Sylvans are threatening war...AGAIN."

"Can we get Oropher to shut up?"

"Not bloody likely. He is the reincarnated Feanor. We never managed to get him to shut up. And do we really want to deal with another disaster like the Silmarils?"

"Oh Dear Iluvatar, NO!"

"I second that. So what are we going to do?"

"Um, why are the Sylvans threatening war again?"

"Well, you know how the Noldor started correcting their "Go Away. No Noldor Allowed" signs.

"Yup, and the Sylvans retaliated by correcting all the Noldorin street signs. In one night. And there are a hell of a lot of street signs. It was a rather impressive feat, actually. Anyway, then the Noldor decided, once they'd fixed all their street signs that is, to go help the poor uncivilized Sylvans. And Oropher ran out of cellar again, and now he wants us to do something."

"Ran out of cellar? What are you talking about?"

"See, this is what happens when you miss a few meetings. Okay, well what happened is that the Noldor ran out of things to improve in their city, and a small group decided to go improve the Sylvan Enclave. Since they started with indoor plumbing, the Sylvans didn't mind. But then they started trying to chop down trees to create roads. You know how the Sylvans are about their trees. So Oropher locked them in his cellar until they stopped trying to improve things."

"Noldor never stop trying to improve things."

"Oropher didn't know that. Anyway, another group of Noldor came looking for the first, and started trying to improve things too. So they got put in the cellar. And it just kept going like that. When Oropher ran out of space in the cellar, he started putting them in the attic. And when the attic ran out of space, he put them on the 3rd floor. And so on until he got run out of his own palace. Apparently the noise of improvements was deafening. So then they put up the signs, which the Noldor promptly corrected."

"Um, aren't the Sylvan signs in Sylvan?"

"In both Sylvan and Sindarin, actually. But they use Middle Earth Sindarin, not Valinor Sindarin."

"And of course the Noldor speak Valinor Sindarin. So what happened next?"

"Well, Oropher got the Noldor out of his palace by sheer force of arms. And then forced them back over the border. But they keep sneaking back and trying to improve things. I think Oropher's going to lose it soon, so we really need to deal with this."

"Has anyone tried talking to Gilgalad, or any of the other Noldorin leaders?"

"Yes. Their response was something along the lines of..."Better them than us. At least nothing's blown up for a couple of months."

"So they won't help?"

"Well, they did promise vengeance if Oropher started executions."

"Great. How close is he to that?"

"You don't want to know. So, what are we going to do?"

"Give them something to do, maybe, like figuring out how to fly?"

"And then they figure out how to fly out of Valinor and annoy the humans. And need I remind you all that the humans must take their own course without interference by elves or us?"

"Um, sailing?"

"One, the Teleri will have a few things to say about that. Two, Noldor and boats do NOT get along. As far as the Noldor are concerned, the height of boat design would be one that doesn't actually go
in the water."

"Explosives? I hear the humans are doing interesting things in that direction."

"Um, how many times a year do the Noldor manage to blow themselves up as is? Do we really want to give them the idea for explosives?"

"Good point. Manwe, are the humans going to come up with anything interesting in the future that might keep the Noldor amused without doing more harm than good?"

"Well, there will be these things called computers...."

And thus the Valar, once they had managed to get most of the Noldor sitting and approximately facing the same direction (think a very large group of small, overly excited children, but children who look like grown elves), they explained that, one, there was to be no more improvement of the Sylvan Enclave unless they were invited. At this point, King Oropher, who was present because he felt like it, interjected...

"NOT BLOODY LIKELY! IN FACT NOT GOING TO HAPPEN EVER!!!"

At this point there was a large groan and many choruses of "But, but, but...." from the Noldor. It took about 15 minutes to restore order and gag Oropher.

"As we were saying before we were so rudely interrupted..."

The Valar, as one, well almost one, Tulkas wasn't paying attention, gave Oropher a death glare. He glared right back.

"We have a very important project for you. We want you, all of you, to work on it. We want you to make a computer. And then more and more of them and connect them all together. Yes, you in the back?"

"What's a computer?"

And after Manwe explained what a computer was and then explained what a transistor was, and then explained what electricity was, the Noldor were very excited. And for about 100 years there was relative peace in Valinor, except for the occasional explosions and accidental electrocutions and yells of the Quenya equivalent of "Eureka!" But everyone else was used to the Noldor doing that sort of thing, so no one paid much attention.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Elrond woke up one morning to excited yells from the garden. Not that this was an unusual thing. Most mornings he was woken up by yells of excitement, pain, or explosions. It all came with letting a son of Feanor (the most Noldorin of all the Noldor) set up his workshop there. But Maedhros had needed a place to stay after his Teleri parents had learned he was a reborn Noldo and had thrown him out. And Elrond had always had a soft spot for his foster father. But not such a soft spot that he let Maedhros set up shop in his house. You didn't make it to the ripe old age of eight thousand without using a few brain cells. Well, unless you were Glorfindel. And if you were Glorfindel, you had developed other talents that prevented Elrond from actually trying to kill you. Much. Elrond sighed and got out of bed. He decided that he'd better go see what Maedhros had created before he tracked mud and dirt from the garden all over the house and burst into Elrond's bedroom. He walked out into the garden and ran straight into Maedhros who was, as Elrond predicted, heading straight into the house without wiping his feet first. Figures.

"Elrond, Elrond, Elrond, come see! Come see, come see, come see!!!"

Maedhros may have been reborn, but he was only 150 and tended to act like it. Elrond paused for a moment to remember the reserved and quiet Maedhros of his youth, and sighed. It was like raising the twins all over again, but this time with explosions. And he'd been looking forward to peace and quiet in his old age. Oh well. There was always something. Maedhros grabbed Elrond and dragged him to his workshop. Elrond briefly considered struggling, but decided it wouldn't be dignified.

"Yes, Maedhros, what is it?"

"I invented the Internet!!! See, these two computers can talk to one another."

"Well, that's very nice, Maedhros, but what good is that?"

"Um..."

Maedhros screwed up his face as he thought. Elrond wondered if he had accidentally broken Maedhros's brain. He also wondered if that would make his life a little bit quieter. Probably.

"The Valar told us to!"

Elrond paused to consider what use the Valar would have for computers, even ones that could talk to one another. Since he couldn't see any use for computers at all, he soon gave up and decided it was one of the inscrutable mysteries of the Valar.

"That's wonderful, Maedhros. Why don't you go show everyone else?"

"Good idea. You're so smart, Uncle Elrond."

Elrond wasn't entirely sure why Maedhros called him Uncle. Probably just to make him feel old. Elrond was still trying to get his head around the concept that Maedhros was now younger than the twins. It just confused the bloody hell out of him. But then again, most of the Noldor confused him. He may have been related to them, but he certainly didn't think like them. Probably this was a good thing. But then again, most of the Noldorin leaders didn't seem to think like Noldor either. This was most definitely a good thing. If the Noldor were led by typical Noldor, then the universe would probably have been accidentally blown up by now. He paused for a moment. On the other hand, he certainly didn't remember the Noldor in Middle Earth being this bad. Maybe it was the lack of an outside threat? Or maybe the Kinslaying and returning to Middle Earth had knocked some sense into their heads, which had evaporated in the intervening millennia. Could sense evaporate? Did that even make sense? It was the pondering of questions like this that had led the twins to start referring to him as "Our crazy old Ada". But Elrond firmly believed these were important questions. Using words correctly was the essence of transmitting thoughts, ideas, and feelings. He would often go on in this vein for a considerable time, until he noticed that the twins were sound asleep and snoring. The young. No consideration for the important things in Life. Interestingly enough, the twins often said something similar about their ada...

"The old. No consideration for the important things in Life. Like sex. And having fun."

Of course, all the Noldor started oohing and aahing over Maedhros's achievement, and even carried him on their shoulders for a victory lap around the city. And then it occurred to them that, with the Internet created, they didn't have anything to do anymore. Some of them even started trying to sneak over to the Sylvan enclave again. So it wasn't too long before Oropher went right back to the Valar.

----The Council of Dealing with these Bloody Elves who will not Stop Complaining----

"Well, it worked for a while. Now what?"

"Explosives?"

Manwe suddenly stood up.

"I have the perfect idea!! The humans have also created an Internet, and are constantly making their computers faster so they can access more of it. And it is huge, and growing exponentially. Think the largest library on Arda, with 200,000 new volumes being added every day. We make them figure out how to connect to it and catalogue it. Along the way they'll see all the uses humans have for computers and how they are always improving them. They'll be so busy trying to surpass the humans that we won't hear from them for years."

All the Valar agreed that Manwe's plan was sheer brilliance, well, except for Tulkas, who really liked his explosives idea. But, thankfully for the continued existence of most of Valinor, he was overruled. And so the Valar gathered most of the Noldor (it is impossible to gather all the Noldor in one place. They constantly wander off.) And presented them with their new task. And things quieted down for a few years.... that is until the Noldor actually managed to connect to the human Internet, and discovered what was there. At which point several subcommittees for the study of this thing called porn were instituted, as well as a subcommittee whose sole job it was to keep non-Noldor off the computers. Since the Valar had ordered that computers be placed in all libraries, the Noldor were firmly convinced that this was going to be very difficult. And in the beginning it was. The other elves were also bored, and very curious to see what the humans had been up to. The subcommittee called K.O.C. (Keeping Others off our Computers) had its hands full. So they instituted a brilliant plan. They made the computers very unstable so they crashed frequently, and made sure that the Noldor Tech Support was as arrogant and annoying as it could possibly be. In fact the N.T.S.'s motto was "A Child Can Do This. How Stupid Are You?" It was a rousing success. And there was much rejoicing. Especially since now the Noldor fixed the computers so they didn't crash at all. Everything was going swimmingly, until disaster struck.

---------------------------------------------------

There had been no explosions from the garden for a very long time, and the silence was beginning to get on Elrond's last nerve. He certainly never thought he would miss the racket Maedhros used to make, but five years of continuous silence was too much. Besides which, he hadn't seen Maedhros in...He started counting on his fingers, and realized when he had run out of toes that it had been a long time. Too long. He went to the kitchen, got a basket of food and a carafe of wine, and wandered towards Maedhros's workshop to see what he was up to.
Maedhros couldn't stop laughing. Or reading. He was hungry, thirsty, and tired and he still couldn't stop. He'd randomly typed peredhil into Google, and found a slash fanfic site. Apparently Elrond had a fan club, and those fans liked to think that he did some very funny things. The idea of Elrond pregnant had made him laugh until he fell off his chair and hit his head. Once he had exhausted those fics, he had searched for Elrond slash. He had now ended up at libraryofmoria.com and was currently reading an Elrond/Ugluk fic. Of course, he had no idea who Ugluk was, but he sounded distinctly unappealing. And the idea of boring, staid, conservative Elrond doing half the things the various authors had him doing was just hysterical. He also noticed with disappointment that he wasn't listed among the pairings on the website. Figures. The one pairing that did actually happen. Of course, Gilgalad might have, but it was doubtful. They didn't have Viagra in the second age, after all. And there was fan art too. He was laughing at a picture of Elrond and Glorfindel making out when Elrond walked in. Elrond looked curiously at the screen.

"What is that? Who are those supposed to be? Wait a minute that looks like my barrette. OH DEAR ILUVATAR!!!!"

The realization that someone had drawn him, HIM, naked with some blond handsome naked elf, doing things he hadn't done since he was 1000 or so, hit him like a ton of bricks. Maedhros looked at the screen, realized what Elrond was seeing, and switched to another page. Unfortunately, this page featured pictures of the actor who played Elrond, including an amusing comparison of the actor in drag and as Elrond. Elrond just stared at the screen in horror. Finally he found his voice.

"Is that supposed to be me? I don't look like that, do I? And what's with the dress and the makeup and why? Why? And I don't look that old. Do I?"

Maedhros tried to placate the obviously freaked Elrond.

"Well, you are remarkably well-preserved for 7000. And I'm sure you've never worn a dress like that. It's not like these humans have any idea what you look like. They don't even think you exist."

Obviously that hadn't helped in the slightest. Elrond threw the basket at Maedhros and ran out of the workshop in what appeared to be a blind panic. Maedhros sat back down and IMed the other members of the KOC.

"Guys, we have a BIG problem."

---------------------------------------------------

Elrond ran out of the city in a blind panic. His feet found their way to the Sylvan Enclave of their own accord, thinking that he might find pretty trees calming.

"Hello Lord Elrond. What brings..."

"Well, that was rude. He just ran past without even slowing."

"I agree. Wonder what's going on?"

"Maybe the stick up his ass got dislodged and he's come to see if he can borrow Prince Legolas's."

"That's not funny."

The guard began to snicker.

"No, it really isn't."

The other guard began to giggle as well.

Both guards fell prostrate with laughter. They never even noticed the group of Noldor that ran by. Of course, they were going to catch Hell for that later, but that has nothing whatsoever to do with the story, so....

---------------------------------------------------

Elrond's feet were doing their level best to avert disaster, but the main problem with feet is that they can't see. Thus they were unable to prevent collision with one very beautiful, very stuck-up blonde Prince. (In fact Legolas was not actually stuck-up, just very confused and hiding it behind an assumed air of superiority. Trust me, if you'd had Legolas's upbringing, you'd be confused too.)

"Ow! Watch it, you... Oh, Lord Elrond. Are you alright?"

"Blabba gabba skiddly."

"Lord Elrond, you aren't making any...ackmmph!"

Lord Elrond's brain had completely shut down from shock. This had freed his long-imprisoned libido to run around his brain, yelling obscenities and rubbing itself against things. It was also now completely in charge of his body. Well, except for his feet, who were firmly convinced that this was not a good idea. Thus, Elrond had grabbed Legolas and was currently attempting to see how far down his throat he could stick his tongue, all while performing what appeared to be a complicated dance, which was actually his feet trying to kick him in the groin. Of course, this is nearly impossible, so they weren't having much luck. Meanwhile, Legolas was hitting Elrond and trying to pry him off, but it just wasn't working. Elrond's libido noticed the blond struggling against him, and promptly used a free hand to rip open Legolas's leggings and play with an apparently very happy Little Legolas. Legolas responded by struggling harder but somehow his heart just wasn't in it. He also started wondering just where the hell his bodyguard was and why he hadn't intervened. In fact, his bodyguard had been ordered by King Oropher to get Legolas laid and so he waited until Legolas started turning blue from lack of oxygen before he pulled Elrond off. At this point, Elrond's libido decided that one cute blond Sylvan was as good as another and started to make out with the protesting and weakly struggling bodyguard. Legolas, once he had attempted to relace his leggings, discovered that the laces were broken, tried to fix them, and then yanked his tunic down and hoped his pants didn't fall down, took stock of the situation and briefly debated calling the guards before he decided to take matters into his own hands and hit Elrond hard on the back of the head, knocking him unconscious.

"I really really hope that I didn't hit him too hard. Where's that giggling coming from?"

"Um, your highness?"

The guard mutely pointed to Legolas's crotch. Little Legolas was currently taking advantage of the lacings situation to stick his head out and see what was going on. Legolas immediately started trying to convince Little Legolas to go back where it came from, but it was having none of that sort of thing. It was the first time in quite a while that it'd had some attention paid to it, and it didn't care how incandescently red its owner went. It wasn't going to let him walk around or do anything other than stand there until it got all the attention it wanted. Legolas was currently wishing he hadn't braided his hair that morning so that he could shake it into his face and hide from the large crowd of giggling Sylvan maidens that had suddenly appeared. He was stuck. He couldn't really walk, and he couldn't leave Lord Elrond there, and he couldn't take a hand away from his crotch. This was not a good situation. Especially since he was beginning to get blue balls. He was so involved with his own problems that he didn't pay any attention to what was going on behind him. In retrospect, this was a mistake. If he had been paying attention, he could have saved a lot of ice. Oh well. Even Eldar aren't perfect.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Caithdein was in a hurry. Maedhros had IMed her to get her to find Elrond. Why he couldn't go find Elrond himself was beyond her, but she was sure that he had a good reason. He'd better have a good reason. She could probably hand his ass back to him in a sling if she wanted to. Now that was a sad thought. Being able to whip the butt of one who had once been the greatest swordsman in Middle Earth. Especially since he had taught her everything she knew. She never wanted to be reborn. He was so completely different. Happier, but very different. And while she did not begrudge him his happiness, still, she wanted her ada. The ada she had always known. Not this strange new youngster. Lost in this train of thought, she didn't hear the guards commanding her to stop and just wandered past them and into the Sylvan Enclave. Of course, the guards tried to stop her. For them, this was not a good idea. Well, grabbing her was certainly not a good idea. Instinct took over and she flipped both of them before she realized what she was doing, and that they had big pointy sharp swords. While she could probably take one armed guard while unarmed, the entire guard was a bit beyond her abilities. So, best course of action was to take off, and hope they didn't start shooting. She was looking behind her to make sure that they weren't shooting when she ran into something, knocked it down, and made it cry out. She looked down...

"Legolas. Oh Iluvatar, are you all right? Here, let me see..."

Legolas, having fallen onto the erect portion of his anatomy, was currently curled up in a little ball and making little whimpering noises. He was not having a good time, and running into Caith was not what he needed.

"Ow!"

Elrond opened his eyes, and wondered why his head hurt, a lot. He sat up and looked around. Then he saw Caith. He briefly considered blaming the entire thing on her. In fact, the more he thought about it, the better it sounded. It could all be Caith's fault. She had been a bad influence. He could start the "It's all Caith's Fault" club. Legolas would probably join. Of course, Legolas looked a little too involved with other things to care right now. And Caith was obviously also involved with those other things....

"Here, let me see. Do you need a healer?"

Legolas shoved her hands away and sat up huffily.

"I do not need your help with anything. I thought I made it clear the last time we spoke that I never wanted to see or hear from you again. Your very presence sickens me."

Caithdein stared daggers at him. She was so sick of him putting on the stuck-up princely airs to keep people away from him. And then she had a brilliant idea. She knew how to fix Maedhros's Elrond problem and Legolas at the same time. And she knew Maedhros was about 3 minutes behind her, and since the guards were chasing her, he could get in. And between the two of them, they could carry off Elrond and Legolas and fix them. And not let them out of the bedroom until they'd gotten over their hang-ups about sex. Legolas, well, his hang-ups made sense. With his upbringing and then the entire Lorien incident. But Elrond? He was famous in Middle Earth for the largest orgy ever held. But as soon as he hit Valinor, it was like all of that had been erased. He didn't seem to remember any of it. And he had gotten seriously seriously old, overnight. Well, nothing like a good 3 way to make you feel young again. She looked at Legolas's bodyguard, and asked, in Sylvan

"Would you be willing to help me carry off your prince and Lord Elrond?"

"That would depend on your reasons, milady. If you wished to hurt them, then of course I could not assist. But if you planned to tie them both down and make them scream in ecstasy, then I am ordered to help you."

"Well, the later, of course. And you're ordered to? Oropher ordered you to get his grandson laid? Valinor really has changed him."

Legolas was not a happy prince. And he really didn't like the looks Caith and his bodyguard were giving him. He got even more unhappy when his bodyguard grabbed a handy bit of rope, tied him up, and then tossed him over one shoulder.

"WHAT IN HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING!? THIS IS TREASON! I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD FOR THIS!!"

Somehow Elrond's similar cries were not not at all reassuring, nor was the fact that he was now being carried out of the Enclave and towards the Noldorin area. And then into the Noldorin area. And then into a house, and then up the stairs and then into a bedroom, and then dropped onto a rather large and comfortable bed. Elrond was dropped beside him. He continued to protest as his guard and Caith both left the room. He could hear her talking to someone outside....

"Yup, they need someone to help them work through their issues. And, of course, I thought of you."

"I'm flattered."

"Well, I do have it on very good authority that you give the best blow jobs in Valinor. And do try not to break Legolas's brain. It's already been broken once."

"Do I get backup?"

"Do you need backup?"

"Couldn't hurt. If nothing else, someone to keep the oil flowing freely."

"No problem. Got any preferences?"

"Well, there is that cute page of Gilgalad's."

"I'll see what I can do. Have fun!"

Legolas could hear Caith's footsteps receeding down the stairs. This did not bode well. Especially since the voice sounded familiar...

Elrond was bright red. No way in hell would Glorfindel..., would he? As Glorfindel sauntered slowly into the room, closed and locked the door behind him, that question was clearly answered. He then turned, and said, with an evil grin on his face...

"It's just you two and me. Let's see if we can't work through some of those sexual issues, shall we?"

The End

Character List (who's who)

Elrond- if you don't know who he is, you should go watch the movies or read the books before attempting to read any LotR fanfics

Legolas- ditto

Oropher- Legolas's grandfather. King of the Sylvans in Valinor. Died on Middle Earth during an epic battle that decimated the Kingdom of Mirkwood 3000 yrs before the books (the War of the Last Alliance)

Feanor- Noldo, brilliant craftsman. Created the Simarils. Directly
responsible for the Kinslaying. Caithdein's grandfather. Killed by a balrog. Had 7 sons. Related to Galadriel, but they hated each other.

Maedhros- Feanor's eldest son. Involved in the Kinslaying. Along with brother, last of Feanor's sons to die. Went mad and threw self into fiery chasm after taking back one of the Simarils. Helped raise Elrond and Elros. Caithdein's father. Well known for being both preeminent swordsman of Middle Earth and for spending a few hundred years chained by one wrist to a cliff face. Then famous for only having one hand

Caithdein (Caith) - Maedros's daughter, and last surviving (and never reborn) descendant of Feanor. Very old, and decided many many years ago to live life as she pleased, without paying any attention to the mores of society. She and Legolas were an item for about five minutes. OC.

Gilgalad- Last High King of the Noldor. Elrond was his standard bearer. These two are a favorite slash pairing.

Manwe- One of the Valar

Glorfindel- Elrond's right hand man. Reborn to watch over the descendants of one of Elrond's ancestors. Arwen got his bit in the first movie. One of only 3 elves to ever defeat a balrog. One of many elves to die by balrog.

Other References

Noldor (Noldo, Noldorin)- Elven race. Craftspeople and innovators. Also known as High Elves. They were in Valinor, left and went back to Middle Earth after the Kinslaying (which most of them participated in), and finally got to come back.

Valar(Vala)- Think gods, but not quite. Servants of the Supreme Being. Created and rule Valinor.

Sylvans- Elven race. Considered the most primitive. The Wood Elves. Live mostly in forests.

Simaril- Big glowing jewel. One of three. One of two things responsible for Kinslaying. Also responsible for death of Elrond's mother, millennia of warfare, and general non-happy things. The Noldor left Valinor to get these back.

Sindar- Elven race. Grey elves. Kind of in between Sylvans and Noldor.
Sindarin- language of the Sindar. The Elven spoken in the movies.

Valinor- the undying lands. Where the elves go.

Teleri- the sailing elves. Victims of the Kinslaying

Quenya- the language spoken by the Noldor

Manwe- one of the Valar. All-seeing or all-knowing. One of them, anyway.

Tulkas- one of the Valar. If there was a Vala of war, he'd be it

Kinslaying- Slaughter of hundreds of innocent, unarmed Teleri for their ships.