Painless | PG-13 | LE/SS, mentions LE/JP, RB
For LJ-er iulia_linnea, who egged me on when I got the idea, and encouraged me further when I almost stalled out on it.
Notes: This was supposed to be comedy, possibly even crack. Didn't happen like that. WTF, anyway?
^*^*^*^
Regulus Black tripped over something and nearly sprawled headlong on the pavement, his wand jolting out of his grip and clattering into the gutter.
"What was that all about?" snorted his companion, Severus Snape.
"Some bloody great sot stuck his foot out and surprised me," Regulus snarled quietly. He retrieved his wand and cast Lumos back the way they'd come, sparing Severus a glare for his gracious assistance. "It's a bird. It's a bird we know... Snape, have a look. That's Evans, from your year."
Severus studied the woman parked against the low garden wall, apparently asleep or unconscious. She wore full robes, plus a long, peasant-style skirt, and he did recognise her.
"She's Potter now. Married the piece of piss last year, I heard," Severus informed Regulus distractedly. "They can't have fallen so far in such a short time. Not even Potter's that useless."
Regulus sniffed. Potter had been his least favorite person for as long as he could remember. "What do we do with her?"
Severus frowned. "Her lot have been a difficulty for our Lord... help me with her."
Lily grunted as the two young men heaved her up by her arms, and opened bleary eyes. Snape was astounded that a witch of Lily's ability hadn't cast a sobering charm – until he realised he didn't see her wand anywhere.
"Miss Evans. You wed Potter, though, didn't you? Reg – fetch Lucius. He'd love to see Missus Potter again, don't you think?"
Regulus smirked faintly. "Good idea. We'll get her off the street first, though. It's not far to your house, we'll take her there."
Though he resented the presumption, Severus couldn't really argue. Spinner's End and his house were their best option for keeping Lily Evans – can't think of her as Potter – under wraps until she could be given over to their higher-ups.
"Where'd Molly go?" Lily inquired, her tone a bit surly.
"Molly Weasley? Is that who abandoned you here, drunk as a lord?" Severus asked, taking most of her weight onto himself. "She'll make sure she never does that to a friend again."
Lily perked up marginally, and her gaze sharpened. "Snape? Severus Snape?"
Regulus snapped, "She knows your name!"
"I'd guessed that," Snape said, not bothering to point out that their identities didn't matter, because she'd be in no condition to tell anyone, soon enough. "Help me with her, you fool, before some Muggle happens along and starts asking questions."
Lily clutched Severus' robes as they Side-Along Apparated her to Spinner's End, directly into Severus' lounge.
"'M gonna be ill," she announced, and followed words with action, all over the front of her robes and Severus'. "Sorry," she said miserably.
A Scourgify later, he settled her on the sprung sofa and sent Regulus on to find and retrieve Lucius Malfoy.
"Be quick about it, I've got a hammered witch redecorating my floors and it's been a long bloody day." Severus was not in the mood. They'd been with the Dark Lord, going over plans for a raid in Dublin, of all places, and Himself had been in a rare mood, taxing the nerves of his steadiest Death Eaters with his weird cheer.
Regulus let himself out the kitchen door and Disapparated from the tiny, paved back garden. Lily groaned and hauled herself into an upright position.
"Severus? Is that really you?"
Severus sat in the ugly grey-brown recliner his father had favored, facing his captive. "I'm amazed you know your name, drunk as you are."
Lily seemed oddly cheered. "I always liked you, you know. In school. They were such bastards. Why didn't you ever ask me out, anyway? James wouldn't bloody stop, but you were always so formal."
It wasn't often that anyone managed to astonish Severus Snape, and this had been true for as long as he could remember. Trust Lily Evans to be the one to do it, Severus mused vaguely, and paused to collect himself.
"You never knew? Half of my conflict with Black and Potter was the fact that I'm... how did your charming new husband put it?... a bloody shirt-lifting pervert." He took a certain satisfaction from the dull disgust on Lily's face as she processed his words.
She shook herself a bit like a wet dog, and sharpened markedly. "James called you that? I – we were both pissed at a party and I was lonely... he's cleaned up his act in the last year, Severus," she finished lamely, cheeks flushed with more than drink.
Seized by an unusually generous impulse, Severus said, "I'm sure that's all to your credit, Evans. Regardless, you owe me no explanations." Lily cheered up immediately. Severus recalled what she'd said earlier – I always liked you.
"Severus, we were friends, weren't we? I mean, House rivals and all, but we got along all right, didn't we?"
"Well enough, I suppose. What are you doing?"
Lily covered the space between them in a remarkably able leap. Now she occupied his lap, and wore a slightly stuporous smile. Severus noted with some dismay that her skirt had ridden well up above her knees and she was straddling him.
"I liked you. More than any other boy, Severus. Much more."
Oh Morgana, is this what I think it is?
Lily forged ahead. "In fifth year, I sent you a Valentine. You burnt it. Nearly broke my heart, but I never told anyone it was me. Didn't want James and his idiot friends doing anything to you. You're going to think I'm mad -"
I already do.
"- but that day they turned you upside-down, I was shocked by what I saw."
Severus went still, and felt a trickle of humiliation rising up from the pit of his belly. Always that day, that's what they'll remember me for.
Lily leaned in closer, taking full advantage of her position. "Maybe 'shocked' isn't the right word. Maybe I should say I was impressed?" For emphasis, she scooted forward and rocked her hips, which had the effect of startling Severus, who threw her off and bolted from the chair, chest heaving.
"I don't know what you think you're doing, but I never imagined I'd have to endure this sort of mockery from you," he spat, furious and almost trembling.
He'd never been so angry, not even when Potter had exposed him so callously. That had been habitual Gryffindor cruelty, something he'd nearly understood after so many years of it, but this was Evans. This was... indecent, what she was trying to do.
Lily gaped up at him from the floor. "I'm not mocking you! Don't you know me better than that? I wouldn't, Severus, especially not you."
He was too incensed to listen. "I see. I see what's happening, it's a trick. You've been the bait, and at any moment Black and Potter will come through the door on a rescue mission, must save the damsel from the greasy deviant, aren't we heroes, aren't we special -"
Severus was too involved in his tirade to pay attention as Lily picked herself up. He was completely unprepared when she ducked into his path and captured him in the gentlest, kindest kiss of his entire, conflicted life.
After a long moment, Lily ended the kiss, but didn't draw away. "Molly and I were having a girls' night out. I tried to Apparate home, but my Deliberation was a bit off," she explained softly.
"You're only doing this because you're drunk."
Lily moved closer, aligning her body to his, and rested her cheek against his shoulder. "If I tried this sober, I'd be afraid of the consequences. But I don't care right now. I want you. I... what do you want?"
Severus could hardly think. He was responding to her physically in ways he hadn't ever done with any other girl or woman. She'd gotten him half-hard with her kiss, and her close heat seemed just the thing to coax him to full arousal.
Lily didn't miss that fact, either. "Maybe I haven't any right, but I'm asking you -"
"Potter would murder me," he interrupted quickly, and it occurred to him that he had other arguments against what she wanted, but he couldn't think of them.
"He won't ever know. This isn't - I don't want to use you to hurt James, and I don't expect you to change. I just want to be with you, Severus. Is that all right?"
This chance encounter was forcing him to rethink several aspects of his self-image. It made him edgy, but... "You're sure?"
Lily beamed at him, and initiated another of her amazing kisses. "Very sure," she said with a degree of solemnity that he found amusing, and reassuring.
"Upstairs," said Severus, and led her by the hand to his bedroom.
The awkwardness of undressing nearly undid Severus' resolve, until Lily, naked as the day she was born, spelled his pants and socks away and announced her pleasure with an appreciative moan.
"Where was your wand?" he demanded sharply.
"Pocket in the skirt. You're incredible. Better than I remembered. Come here?"
Severus joined her on the bed, wanting to touch the curves of her breasts and thighs, but reluctant to begin now that they were so close. Lily picked up his right hand and brought it to her breast.
"It's all right. Are you as nervous as I am?"
"Of course not," he lied, and found himself smirking, stroking his thumb over her nipple and sharing the joke.
"Ever seen a nude woman before? Anything you're curious about?"
Severus surprised her by snickering outright. "You're my first, and you sound like a primary school teacher."
"Sorry," Lily snorted, blushing and grinning. "It's my first proper seduction, I'm a bit lost."
Severus trailed his hand down her side, into the crease of her thigh, and leaned in to kiss her. He stayed close, saying, "This isn't my first seduction, Evans. Shall I continue?"
"If you can remember to call me Lily, then please do."
Why that should please him as much as it did, Severus wasn't sure, but he didn't care. He tipped Lily onto her back and commenced learning every hidden, sweaty, soft place she had, and what happened when he put his tongue in them.
Later, neither of them could properly say exactly what happened, though they did remember that the sex was awkward, and then it wasn't, and then it was better than either of them had hoped, but there'd been no time for afterglow.
Almost as soon as Lily rolled off of Severus and settled against him, sated and dazed, the thin snap of Apparation sounded in the back garden.
Severus moaned and jumped out of bed. "Shit. Bollocks. Fuck. Evans - Lily - you have to go, now." After a heartbeat's frantic searching, he located his wand and spelled her clothes back on, then his own.
"What? Why?"
"Reg's brought reinforcements. Hurry, body bind me and climb out the window. You can Disapparate from there."
Lily's head cleared to an almost painful degree, and she guessed Severus had cast a sobering charm. "What will they do to you?"
"Mock me. Do it!"
"On the floor. Petrificus totalus!"
Regulus called up from the front hall, and Lily threw the window open.
^*^*^*^
Ninety-seven days later, not that Severus had kept count, a public post owl bumbled into the back of his head as he returned to the Spinner's End house. It struggled valiantly not to crash, and managed to perch on a nearby fence.
"Bloody menace, what's wrong with you?" he snarled, and accepted the offered packet of parchment with ill grace. "Get on with you, there's no payment to be had here."
The owl didn't wait to be told again, and Severus dismissed it from his mind as he opened his front door.
The packet had his name on it in Lily's unmistakeable handwriting. He was surprised to realise he'd ever noticed that about her, but clearly he had. His hands felt numb and thick as he broke the plain blob of sealing wax.
He dropped the pages twice as he read, and when he'd fixed the important details in his mind, Severus incinerated the lot and made a pot of tea.
Lord Voldemort planned an attack on St. Mungo's soon. How to arrange it while Healer Raines, head of Magical Maternity, was on the premises? What sort of curse, or potion, should he use?
Something painless, Severus mused, and sipped his Earl Grey.