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FICLET & IMAGE: This Wizard Shit Is Crazy- 30stm/HP, gen crack.
title: This Wizard Shit is Crazy
author: lisa roquin
rating: *CRACK* (call it 13 for language)
fandom: 30 Seconds to Mars/Harry Potter.
characters/pairings: Tomo, Tim, Shannon, Jared, Viktor Krum/Harry Potter
disclaimer: all copyrighted characters and their "universes" belong to their respective authors, writers, creators, production companies, producers and long lists of people that are so very much not me. Real People belong to themselves. Quite simply, if you recognize it, it isn't mine. No profit made, no harm intended, just having fun.
summary: For his part Tomo would just as soon be Muggle, thank you. The Wizard shit was crazy
warning: crackety crack crack crack. and baby butt cracks too.
author's note: I either need more sleep or more caffiene to have the attention span of a gnat. but this improved my mood and amused gwionfawyr this afternoon.
written for kynxpirations picture prompt #1 09/17/09
wordcount: 683





"WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK HAPPENED!" Tomo bellowed staring at the three babies on the cabin floor in absolute horror.

"I'm not sure. Either a deranged fan, someone trying to take either Viktor or I out of the World Cup match or...George sent samples of a new product he made drunk."

"Well, fix them!" Tomo shouted.

"We do not know what did this," Viktor frowned. "It could have been something Uncle Ivan had or had booby-trapped, Tomislav."

Tomo growled at his cousin. "Uncle Ivan was fuckin' nuts!"

"He was a Seer."

"FIX THEM OR I'M TAKIN YOUR FUCKING FIREBOLT AND BEATING YOU WITH IT BEFORE I SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS, VIKTOR!" And with the anti-apparition spells woven in a batshit pattern of thirteen interwoven spells in thirteen repeated layers no one was getting into the place by apparition, or portkey, or even floo--if there was actually floo service up in this area. If Tomo had Viktor's broom, his cousin wasn't going anywhere.

The bald green eyed baby's lip started quivering. His eyes welled up with tears and little nostrils flared as he sniffed.

"Don't cry, Tim, c'mon, man, don't. You know this shit can be fixed," Tomo sighed crouching down in front of the babies.

The blue eyed baby launched forward onto his hands from where he was sitting and crawled a couple inches to try to bite Tomo's hand.

"Fuckin' watch it, Jared! I didn't do this!"

"I'm a faster runner. I can get down the mountain past the wards and to the Dragon Preserve fast enough. Charlie will let me use the floo."

"Some fuckin' hero," Tomo muttered as the Savior of the Wizarding World (and his cousin's boyfriend) went running out of the cabin like a scared little rabbit.

The hazel eyed baby picked up the drumstick from the pile of clothes he was sitting on. Whatever the hell had hit them--Shan had been messing around with his sticks when it did obviously.

"Ow!" Tomo complained and yanked the stick from Shannon's hand.

Shannon screamed. Pure absolute rage. Jared managed to bite Tomo's wrist and Tim started wailing.

Tomo whimpered and sat down on the floor of the cabin he was fucking stuck with. He and Viktor were the two named in his crazy ass uncle's will. They shared the property, what opened for which of them meant whichever was then the owner of that object and its contents. The cabin had opened for him. The greenhouses were an even split, though terrifyingly overgrown and Harry wanted to bring his friend Neville up to look those nightmares over.

They'd been in the cave a little ways off trying to see what trunk would open for who and what the freaking hell was even in all that. Somehow most of the magical artifacts gathered over centuries ended up in trunks in Ivan's cave behind the greenhouses. He knew he shouldn't have left Shannon, Jared and Tim in the cabin! Well, Shannon and Jared, Tim knew enough--he wasn't quite a Wizard but he was less of a Squib than Tomo was-- and Harry was supposedly the hottest shit there ever was with magic, at least the hottest shit still living.

Neither Tomo nor Viktor had ever met the old man. He'd headed up in his hideaway owling down prophecies to his two sisters, refusing to come down or deal with anything that wasn't grown in his own greenhouses or sent up by his sisters, then a succession of Squib neices and nephews for the past hundred and thirty odd years. Viktor and his mother were the only two non-Squibs left in the family now that Uncle Ivan had passed away. His Aunt, Viktors mother insisted Tomo was more Wizard than Squib. He was too good at making magical object work--that required actual magic to operate--to be just a Squib, at the very least he was the nearest miss of having some notable magic in the family after Viktor and Aunt Irina. For his part Tomo would just as soon be Muggle, thank you. The Wizard shit was crazy--Tim, Jared and Shannon were babies!