Current mood:	accomplished
Current music:	Manowar - Ride the Dragon
Entry tags:	30 seconds to mars, 30 stm: jared leto, 30stm: jared/tim, 30stm: tim kelleher, 30stm: try anything verse

FIC: Try Anything #13/14- Want. Tim/Jared D/s 1/2
titleTry Anything: Want
author: lisa roquin
fandom: 30stm
series/sequel: Try Anything
rating ADULT
pairing/characters: Tim/Jared (background implied w/ sledgehammer Shannon/Tomo)
disclaimer: lies, fiction, untrue. completely and totally made up. I know no one, know nothing of their personal lives. I make no claims of knowing much of anything.
summary: Tim knows what he wants--everything. If Jared can handle that, and he can survive Jared's nastier reflexes.
warning: D/s, psychologically/emotionally intense scene (well hopefully), nipple clamps, (bruising force) spanking, oral sex, *rough* wall sex. semi-public at least over hearable in the next room, know what they're doing sex if you count Shan & Tomo as "public"
author notes:
word count: 11,883




Tim's breath caught when Jared finally emerged from the bunks just as the sky outside the bus windows was starting to lighten to pre-dawn gray. He knew damn well that the other two had fallen asleep a good couple hours before. He'd almost decided Jared wasn't going to come up front.

Shannon had probably said or done something—fact or bribe or threat Tim didn't know and didn't really care but there hadn't been one single word about the bruise on Jared's neck that had darkened to deep deep purple.

Not a single dig at how quiet Jared had been all day from either of them.

Tim had fought not to hover and cling. He'd stayed close, enough to get a few odd looks from the other two when Jared wasn't looking but he'd tried not to...hell he didn't know, wrap Jared up tight and hide him away. He'd hovered between down and possibly nervous breakdown most of the day. Thank God it hadn't been a signing night. No one had really gotten close except for Shannon and Tomo and whatever the hell Shannon had said to Tomo or bribed or threatened Tomo with worked.

Shannon might not have needed to actually. Tomo knew Jared too well not to recognize, well not exactly what Jared's mood was stemming from but the leave him alone, don't pick near to breaking state had been clear enough.

Tim had half expected Jared to be defiant, spoiling for a fight since he had spent the day so off his game. That kind of divert to pissed off was honestly kind of standard for Jared period, no matter what. He more than half expected Jared to just stay in his bunk too. Minor act of defiance that he could claim he fell asleep.

Jared's steps were slow and hesitant, head down and hair falling in his face. He slid to his knees in front of where Tim was sprawled on the couch. That same terrified cornered animal air around Jared as that first night Tim got hit over the head with Jared's kinks. Something tightened in Tim's chest and every overprotective instinct he had just went straight into over drive.

“Jay, baby,” he whispered roughly, hand reaching to stroke Jared's hair.

“Sir?” Jared's voice shaky and...shit.

Knowing the generalities of how Jared worked didn't help when trying to unravel what was causing it, or anything in specific. He thought he was getting fairly good at figuring out the general direction of the cause, but even at that, it wasn't enough. Jared was shattering more than down and disturbingly...something, lost, frightened, something. If he demanded, Tim was sure Jared would tell him exactly what was going through his head just now, and he'd probably lose every bit of trust doing that.

The tightness in his chest fucking hurt and a lump crept up into his throat.

“Did you sleep at all, baby?”

“Nossir”

Jared shakily leaned into his hand as Tim stroked over his hair again. Tim shifted so he was sitting straighter.

“C'mere. Up on the couch, baby, head in my lap,” Tim ordered quietly, pulling the blanket back out of the way.

Jared was trembling visibly as he did so, settling in as much of a ball as he could draw himself up into. Tim looked down at Jared threading his fingers through Jared's hair, just petting. Soothing it wasn't. Not by a long shot. Jared if anything seemed to be getting more coiled, twisted and wound up.

He wasn't sure who he was more pissed at, the ones who'd left Jared such a suspicious untrusting mess or Jared himself. Jared was such a stubborn ass. Tim knew a good portion of what had Jared so fucked up at the moment could be laid at Jared's feet, his stubbornness and take what he could get to get something of what he needed. Someone somewhere had done one helluva number on Jared probably when he was still not much more than a kid, long before Jared had ever figured out exactly what it was he wanted and needed.

Jared had compounded the hell out of that all on his own. Played it safe with pros right into royally fucked up. Trying to get a starved wild animal to eat from your hand without taking it off was probably easier than getting Jared to trust. Mentioning the words 'trust issues' just might be a good way to commit suicide though.

“Cold, baby?” Tim asked. It wasn't particularly cold, they were further south now and it was nearly April and the bus' heater was working well for a change. That just figured, when they'd been up north and it had been colder than a witch's tit the thing had been tempermental.

Jared kind of half shrugged his shoulder.

Tim reached for the blanket he'd had and tossed it over Jared. “There ya go, baby,” he murmured and threaded his fingers through Jared's hair again.

Jared didn't calm from the shattered wary, didn't even get pissed off or just plain pissy.

The constriction in Tim's chest fucking ached, his mouth was dry and he had all he could do to keep his own hand from shaking as he stroked Jared's hair.

“You have permission to speak freely, not going to get into trouble from now 'til Shan or Tomo get up. Supposed to be renegotiating limits, remember?” Tim said.

Silence, a little more wary and shattered, was his answer, not that he expected anything else. Jared had his walls completely down and was letting Tim see that, he really couldn't expect Jared to talk much on top of that.

“I have to touch,” Tim said softly long minutes later. “When it's safe, just us. Always gotten hell for that, too fucking touchy. I know when I have to stand back, know that isn't flying in public and damned if anything between us will effect the band. But when it's safe, when it's just us, I can't do cold and impersonal when it's just sex, sure as hell can't when it's more.”

Jared shivered and tried to ball himself up a little more.

Tim tucked the blanket a little more around Jared. “You've worn yourself out so bad the last few weeks thinking yourself half out of your mind I'm surprised you haven't gotten sick on us.”

“You said next time I'd be in trouble...”

“Not in trouble, baby, shh no. I wasn't sure what you were thinking, but I knew you were,” Tim said stroking his knuckles over Jared's cheek. “I would have cornered you, at least for long enough to tell you to come talk to me when you figured out what you wanted if you kept on through the end of the tour. I knew you were thinking, knew you needed the time to think. Killed me waiting but I knew. You knew very well all you had to do was call it off, or tell me you couldn't think so you could steady yourself. You told me this time. Might not have been words but you told me clearly enough this time. Let me see enough when Shannon and Tomo weren't looking that I got the message.”

Jared relaxed a little.

Tim went back to threading his fingers through Jared's hair. “Do we need to change anything for the rest of the tour? Other than I might reach out and touch just cause I can?”

“No.”

“When we get home...”

Jared's slight trembling stopped. He went dead still.

Tim swallowed and kept petting Jared's hair.

“If we're hanging out at your house or out some where, it's just us. Friends or a date just watching a movie or whatever. Just like before this tour, except maybe steal a kiss or make out on the couch instead of watching the movie. Just like any one else. Six months? Only my apartment okay? See where this goes. See what works for us.” Tim said quietly.

He thought the stillness relaxed a little. Maybe.

“Only at your place?” Jared repeated.

“Yeah, where ever, whatever, hangout, make out, watch movies, sex if you want, when you're ready for that—”

“What—”

Tim fought the smile at the incredulous tone. Jared was settling down. “Only take you down at my apartment. Not taking away your ability to hide in your own home, baby.”

That got him a full out glare.

Tim shook his head slightly. “You're the only person I know that would get pissed off at getting handed what you need, and reassurance you're not going to have to fight on what you're not ready for.”

The tremor was back.

“You have two weeks,” Tim murmured. “I have nothing all that set in stone lined up first month we're home. Your schedule's always more full. You can pick the dates through the middle of May. I want the dates we'll get together by the end of the tour. You can specify if you want, just a lunch or watch movies at your place, a night at mine. If you change your mind on what's specified, or need held tight when it's not a day planned for us to be together, that's fine. You. Have. To. Say. But that's all. I might pester you by phone just to talk to you, and if you try to avoid I will track you down, take you to my place and we'll have a conversation on what needs to change, if this needs to end, or what you need just then. And before you get wound up, we can just hangout and watch movies and just be at my place too. Not going to have you strip and on your knees the second you get in the door just because we're there.”

“Goddamn motherfucking button pushing bastard,” Jared whispered shakily.

“Do you want me to pick the days and times? You give me your schedule and I'll have them written up for you?”

“NO!”

Tim smiled at the snarled out word. Jared's eyes went wide in realization a second later.

“Sit up. I want a kiss.”

Jared shakily managed to get up on his knees and sit back on his heels on the couch, eyes wide and nervous.

Tim tangled his hand in Jared's hair and tugged his head close. His mouth closed over Jared's hungry, possessive, tongue demanding immediate entrance. Jared didn't hesitate, melted into the kiss, a little whine caught in the back of his throat a moment later.

Tim didn't ease his assault on Jared's mouth, fingers twisted tighter in Jared's hair. Jared whined and leaned further into him.

He barely kept back the groan at Jared's whimper when he ended the kiss. Jared took his breath away, stripped utterly defenseless not hiding the lust and confusion, or the little bit of fear.

“So goddamned gorgeous, baby.” Tim brushed a soft kiss across Jared's lips. “I'm trusting you to find a way to speak up. Trusting you not to use me to hurt yourself being a stubborn ass.”

The glare he got was almost lethal.

“Button pushing bastard,” Jared whispered.

Yeah, that hit and got through whatever was tangled up in Jared's head. Jared would walk over hot coals before letting down someone who counted and was counting on him if he could help it. Hopefully that hit would get a few words now and then when he asked rather than another round of guess the meaning of silence this time. Jared was Jared, and too fucked up in some ways and just too goddamned much of a neurotic control freak in others. Taking from Jared, even just the demand of a straight spoken answer like this, would fuck Jared up. Waiting Jared out and seeing how much he could be coaxed into letting go and giving was mindblowing and worth every second of frustration.

Tim gave him another gentle kiss. “Not the only one that has been thinking the last few weeks.”

“Anyone else—”

“You have permission to speak freely right now, baby, and I learned how to translate Jared pretty good before this started.”

Jared bit his lip and looked down. Any other time Tim was sure he'd set off a full blown rampage with that.

“Jay,” Tim crooked his finger under Jared's chin and leaned in to kiss him again.
“Would you be okay with making Tomo and Shannon stay up front for an hour or so once they get up?”

Jared looked at him wide eyed.

“Those two clowns aren't going to—well, Tomo won't. Shan, even with what he knows, probably wouldn't think anything. And if they've taken a leak before they start their death match of Spyro or Tomb Raider or whatever it is today, they're not going to be bothered at all.”

Tim nudged Jared closer for another kiss, “I'll take no for answer,” Tim managed breathless when the kiss ended.

“Why?”

Tim swallowed back the groan of frustration and reached for Jared's hand settling it over his crotch. He rocked up against Jared a little. “I want you.” His other hand tangled into Jared's hair and nudged his head close, kissing him with every bit of frustration and worry the last few weeks had caused.

Jared stared breathless and wide eyed when the kiss ended.

Tim pressed Jared's hand against his cock a little more.

“I just plain want you, baby,” Tim whispered. “I'll take no for an answer, but I just want you.”

Jared nodded slowly breath catching.

“C'mere,” Tim ordered, pulling Jared to straddle his lap. “Anything more you need for limits?”

Jared's answer was a suspicious look.

“The limits don't work, we find what does. WE. Nothing changed without talking, or me talking and you glaring, and both of us agreeing.”

Jared went still again.

“Slowing down, a little less because some thing's too much, if you need more, something entirely different...We both agree.” He brushed a strand of hair back from Jared's eyes. His finger tips trailed down behind Jared's ear, down his neck and over the dark bruised mark. “If I get too possessive, if something just is wrong for you...”

Jared shuddered as he slid his fingertips over the mark, his breath caught as Tim pressed just a little against it.

“You okay with those limits, baby?” Tim asked.

“Yeah,” Jared swallowed and nodded.

“What about making Shan and Tomo stay up front for a while?”

“Yeah?”

Tim raised an eyebrow at the questioning tone of Jared's answer. “We can just go climb in your bunk and I'll hold you while we try to get a bit of a nap. Not letting you go just now. Been fucking hell staying back, need to hold and touch you and I've got today, tonight, tomorrow and the hotel tomorrow night. Going to touch just as much as I can.” He dropped his hands to Jared's knees, slid them up the sides of his thighs, over his sides and back down.

“You stayed back,” Jared accused.

“You would've hated me and been fucked up worse if I'd've cornered you, baby.”

“You always have to be so fucking difficult,” Jared muttered. The 'oh shit' look that crossed his face at Tim's choked sound said Jared definitely hadn't intended to say that out loud.

Tim couldn't stop the laughter. It was hard enough to keep quiet, forget stopping it.

Jared was winding himself right to the edge of a rampage at Tim's laughter the way he tensed up and struggled not to glare.

“Yeah, baby, I'm always going to be fucking difficult,” Tim finally managed to get the words out and pulled Jared's head toward him for a hungry kiss.

“I'm going to make you answer, make you tell me one way or another, I'd really prefer straight answers made of words but as long as you tell me that's all I'm going to demand usually. I'm going to make you think. I'm going to make you live with the limits you agreed to for the next six months no matter what stunts you try to pull. And yes, I'm sure you'll pull at least a couple, you wouldn't be my Jared any other way. And I'm just gonna keep being weird and difficult. And sticking to things like you're not getting punished when you have permission to speak freely unless you're shamelessly being an asshole brat, then you'll get warned first.”

He tightened his arms around Jared and nuzzled at the hickey on his neck. Jared shook against him.

“I'm not going to take anything, baby. Not gonna take. Not going to break you and take. I'm gonna wait out your stubborn until you're ready to give me every reaction, every thing I want you to try to give me. I'm not going to give you anything to fight, turn stubborn and twist up and fuck yourself up worse with. I'm going to wait you out and make you give me what I ask for.”

“And when I can't,” Jared demanded, wary and sharp.

“You can,” Tim brushed a kiss across Jared's jaw. “You can, you have.”

Jared tensed and seemed prime to explode for a second. Tim slid his hand up the back of Jared's shirt, lightly rubbing, and waited.

“Goddamnit, I fuckin' know better,” Jared finally mumbled and leaned into Tim, his forehead against Tim's shoulder and as close to relaxed as he had come since he'd come out from the bunks area.

Tim hugged him, relieved he hadn't pushed too much just now. He wasn't about to poke at what Jared supposedly 'knew better'. Poking at what Jared 'knew' would probably end up loud and a fucking disaster complete with breakdown that could possibly cancel a show or two which Jared would never forgive.

“C'mon! Get your ass up! I'm kicking it today!” came loudly from the back. Shannon.

“The hell you are. Your the one that's getting your ass kicked! It's barely day. Your ass is mine tonight,” Tomo snarled.

“In your dreams,” Shannon taunted.

“Those two need an intervention with their video games. They've lost it. Need their fucking heads examined,” Jared muttered.

“I don't want to go anywhere near their damned video games.” Oh god no. He'd had more than enough of their video game insanity thank you very much. Tomo's tonight comment? Yeah, he'd keep Jared distracted and away from storage closets back stage later. He was not fucking dealing with the fall out of the video games instead of enjoying an actual bed the next night.

“Want to sleep or want to keep them up here a while then sleep?” Tim asked softly turning his head and pressing a kiss against Jared's hair.

“Yeah.”

Tim growled wordlessly in frustration. Jared thankfully had his eyes closed against Tim's shoulder when the other two clowns emerged from the bunks area, stopped and gaped, and looked entirely too interested for Tim's sanity.

“You two better not have fucked on the couch,” Shannon scowled.

Tim raised an eyebrow and glared. “Berlin. Last time we were in Europe? Not only were we all treated to more of your ass than we ever wanted to see. The goddamn couch was disgusting and Tomo and I got to hear about it all the rest of the tour every time Jared noticed the stains from the fucking cherry lube that was spilled all over. You. Have. No. Room. To. Squawk. At. All. Shannon. Especially not over just kissin' and talkin'.”

Shannon gaped like a goldfish. Tomo looked aggravated enough at the memory Shannon might be in trouble. Tim would put his money on Tomo winning the next couple rounds. Not that he wanted to contemplate that.

“You two go piss. You're staying the fuck out of the back for a while,” Jared snapped pulling back to give Tim a look somewhere between incredulous and dangerous.

Shannon looked so confused Tim couldn't help but laugh. He guessed that decided that and gave him a straight answer to what Jared wanted.

Jared stared.

Tim smiled and nudged him close for a kiss.

*

Tim swallowed entering the back lounge of the bus, barely more than a little cubby hole, with a “love seat” just wide enough for two people and an enormous amount of Jared-clutter; guitar, notebooks, chewed on pens, a couple sketch books and pencils, what might be a script. No one argued that Jared had claimed the tiny space on the bus to retreat and hide in to write or study lines or whatever else.

Unless they started screaming it wasn't likely, or possible honestly, for Shannon and Tomo to hear a damn thing all the way in the front of the bus, especially with the blare of the video games.

Jared hadn't hesitated in Tim's quiet request though. He'd sent Jared ahead and told him to strip while he grabbed what they needed.

Fuck his baby was so damned gorgeous, kneeling next to the seat trembling slightly and his cheeks just a little pinker than usual. Tim swallowed as Jared's tongue darted out and licked his lips, blue eyes looked up for all of a blink through his lashes.

Tim spread the blanket from his bunk out on the seat and dropped the little zippered toiletry bag on top of it.

Blue eyes darted up, wary and turned on, that tongue darted out again.

Tim moved closer stopping only inches from Jared. Blue eyes dared to look up through his lashes. Tim couldn't quite keep the soft growl contained. His hand slid over Jared's cheek, fingertip nudging Jared's chin up to look at him. Fingers of his other hand brushed Jared's hair back from his face.

“So fucking gorgeous, baby,” Tim rasped. “We get home, damn I want your mouth. Want you just like this, sucking me. Sometime when we get home. Not when you are going to be hurt and upset by your throat maybe being sore and you have to sing, but goddamn I want your mouth. Just like this.”

He didn't ask if Jared had before. The thought of some woman fucking Jared's mouth with a strap on, using him until he started splintering away wasn't a stretch. As much a warped turn on as infuriating for the fact his baby was so fucked up.

He carefully nudged Jared's head closer, watching intently for every reaction. Jared was so damned proud and the amount of humiliation related bullshit in red in that fucking tablet, his baby had probably been wrecked worse than he was willing to admit. He pressed Jared's cheek against his erection through the cloth of the sweatpants he was wearing.

He couldn't stop from rubbing just a little against Jared's cheek. Fucking weeks of watching his baby shatter and tear himself to pieces trying to figure out what he wanted and unable to touch. Blue eyes looking up at him more turned on than spooked. His baby naked and trembling and he could touch and look. He was holding on to self restraint by a thread.

Jared hesitantly nuzzled at his erection, eyes wide and looking up at him.

“Fuck.” Tim's fingers tangled in Jared's hair. “So gorgeous, baby.”

He groaned as Jared pressed hesitant kisses along the length of his cock through the sweats, big uncertain eyes staring up the whole time.

He bit his tongue to keep something stupid from slipping out before he thought. The uncertainty in Jared's eyes questioning and trying to edge it's way to paranoia and fear. Jared was so close to just letting go, but fighting to hold on to everything he 'knew'.

Tim's fingers tightened in Jared's hair as his baby mouthed at the head of his dick through the material. “So gorgeous, just fucking amazing,”

Keeping himself under control and not rushing his baby was all he could manage. Any sort of calm composure that kept the arousal and feeling off his face, out of his eyes and his tone was fucking impossible. His baby had spent the last month just shattering to pieces on the shit running through his head. His Jared was there, and he could touch.

“Look at me, baby,” Tim whispered.

Jared pressed kiss to Tim's cock and looked up. “I- I would.”

Tim groaned. “I know. I know. I'm not asking, and not letting you now though. I know you would. You have no idea how incredible, just how amazing you are, how fucking gorgeous you look right now like this. I won't now. Won't ask and won't let you.” He stroked his hand over Jared's hair. “Never hurt you like that. Bruises and strained muscles you can stubborn through a show with and not think twice. Sore jaw or sore throat especially not used to sucking someone off is another thing. Wind yourself up worrying about your singing and hate me for doing that to you. Never hurt you like that. No more than I'd leave marks when you're filming, have appearances or photo shoots or something. This can be covered with no questioning about that, and we both needed it.” Tim's fingertip slid down Jared's cheek and jaw to press lightly on the mark on Jared's neck. “Never anything that'll hurt or interfere with the band or work, Jared.”

Jared stared up at him trembling. Tim petted Jared's hair waiting out his baby. Jared looked so fucking desperate it about killed him. Impatience and curiosity started pushing down the desperation on Jared's face. Tim's promise at least accepted if not actually believed.

“This is your out, baby. Only chance, because I'm going to push so hard you'll forget your name and I know you'll be able to do what I ask, could almost come just thinking how amazing and gorgeous you'll be. My baby, my Jay.” Tim whispered roughly. “Know it'll spook you, know it'll be hard but I know you can do it. This is your out. If you're too scared, too unsteady, there's no punishment, just make love to you slow and sweet and we go crawl in your bunk and sleep after. This is your out. You can call a halt and we'll stop, settle you down and go to bed. But this is your out for anything else.”

“Blowjob would be easier,” Jared mumbled a few moments later. Trembling edged into shaking as he unconsciously leaned into Tim's hand petting his hair.

“Yeah,” Tim agreed. “But I'm difficult. Just a little pain to help, but gonna push you.”

Jared shook fighting with himself as he realized Tim wasn't going to give him more than that.

Tim waited watching the struggle Jared let show so plainly on his face. His baby could do this. He knew it. He simply petted Jared's hair and said nothing. Jared had to get there on his own, and Tim wasn't going to rush him.

Jared gulped and nodded. “Please, sir,” he whispered brokenly.

“Lay on the seat there, Jared. I know, just get as comfortable as you can.” Tim took a step back and leaned to grab the little toiletry bag out of the way, sitting it up on the back of the seat.

Jared's movements were stiff and uncertain. He radiated confusion and embarrassment as he managed to get in something that looked half comfortable on the seat, legs up in the air resting against the wall.

Tim tamped down the spike of doubt. He could promise until he was blue in the face and lost his voice, Jared wasn't going to believe until he had proof by experience and even then he was going to doubt for a long while. Tim reached and slid his hand along Jared's calf then reached to move Jared's legs. “Lift up baby,” Tim murmured.

Jared gave a small grunt of more aggravation than discomfort as he lifted his hips and Tim moved his legs enough. Tim sat back on his heels on the end of the seat, Jared's hips up on his thighs, his legs against Tim's chest.

Blue eyes flared with a fresh bit of worry. Tim knew the second it sunk in that he still had his sweats on.

“Yes I'm going to fuck you. Not yet. But I will,” Tim murmured and moved up and forward slowly, hyper aware of the not-really resistance of Jared's body as he was almost bent in half. Careful and slow, his cock against the crack of Jared's ass, watching for any sign of pain that the pull of the position was too much and seriously hurting. He leaned his head down and kissed Jared, hungry, demanding, possessive.

Jared's breathing was strained and ragged, eyes huge bordering on terrified.

“When I fuck you, gonna be just like this. Can't move, can barely breathe, all you can feel is how deep inside you I am. Slow and easy until you give me everything. Told you, baby, gonna push you. You can do this. You need to do this, for yourself,” Tim said slowly, convinced his instinct was right looking at Jared. All the red ink that amounted to types of humiliation, Jared needed it pushed into his head Tim wasn't going to do that no matter what.

He leaned his head down for another demanding kiss. “I've got you, keep you safe, Jared. You say no, say stop, say you can't go any further that's all it takes. We'll stop. Bring you off with my hand and hold you so tight your ribs'll ache, tell you how fucking amazing you are and how you blow me away until you settle down and can sleep. Okay?”

“You'll stop?” Jared's voice so small and shaky it hurt to hear as it obviously sunk in that Tim really was going to push hard.

“Always, baby, always,” Tim promised. “Never any punishment for trying.”

“What if I can't—”

“You can. I know you can,” Tim said quietly. “But I'm not going to be disappointed, not going to be mad, not going to punish you if you have to stop because a bad memory gets in the way, too intense just yet. Doesn't change what I know. I know you can do this. Told you, you say stop, I'll bring you off and hold you tight. Tell you how you just fucking blow me away until you start to believe it.”

Jared bit his lip.

“Yeah, I'm difficult and weird.” Tim smiled and leaned his head down. He nipped sharply at Jared's bottom lip before sucking it into his mouth, tongue rubbing away the sting. “Okay, Jared?” he asked again.

“Okay,” Jared whispered.

Tim slowly eased back to sit on his heels again. He slid his hands up and down Jared's legs and simply looked at his Jared.

Jared was a little breathless and red cheeked. Anticipation, desperation and fear tangling up in Jared's eyes showing on his face as Tim waited for...he wasn't quite sure what but he knew when it happened. When Jared hit the point he was starting to let go.

He reached for Jared's hands putting them on his chest. “Touch yourself, baby. Play with your nipples. Show me what you like, let me see.”

Jared's breath hitched and his eyes closed, just fucking shaking.

Tim mentally cringed over how much of an idiot he sounded as he kept talking. Just soft whispers of encouragement, reassurance, telling Jared how gorgeous he was, studiously avoiding letting anything close to 'good boy' slip out.

Jared's shaking eased by inches. Trembling hands started moving, every movement screamed what the hell do I do? as he rubbed his chest, fingers eventually brave enough to pluck at his nipples. Eyes still tightly closed.

“Look at me, baby,” Tim whispered. “Look. at. me.”

Jared opened his eyes reluctantly, visibly bracing for God only knew what.

“Don't want you to hide. You hide you'll get lost in old shit. Look at me. Stay with me. See how fucking perfect I think you are. Reward you for doing this, for trying. Wash up good when you get ready for the show tonight. Blow you after and fuck you up against the wall in the dressing room bathroom. Would you like that?”

“Please,” Jared whined with a vicious twist to his nipple.

“You want that tonight?”

“Yeah...” Jared swallowed.

“Need a little pain?” Tim asked.

Jared nodded hesitantly.

Tim stroked Jared's leg murmuring nonsense of how fucking beautiful and incredible he was, watching as Jared pinched his nipple again. He reached for the little toiletry bag with his other hand, fumbling with the zipper enough to get his hand in it and feel for...there. He closed his fist around the little clamps. The clerk at the store five cities ago had assured him they were the 'gentlest' they carried, rubber edged and lighter tension in the clamp.

Nipple clamps had only been in the light turquoise of usually okay. As much as Jared liked pain, Tim had erred on the side of caution. It wasn't like a different pair couldn't be gotten at a later date. He was betting Jared's definition of “usually okay” might have the times it wasn't okay being something that would give Tim nightmares for a year or ten. He doubted there'd be any middle ground between Jared being relieved at what Tim had gotten or fucking furious that it wasn't the kinda scary looking heavy tension metal edged ones.

He leaned forward, Jared's body not resisting, legs quivering against Tim's chest and shoulders but not pushing back, not trying to stop him. He stole a kiss that really wasn't necessary, hungry and slow, aching erection pressed the cleft of Jared's ass. Tim didn't know if he was reminding Jared there'd be an end sooner or later or proving that he was as mindblowingly hot and gorgeous as Tim kept telling him he was.

He eased back onto his heels and reached for Jared's hand, bringing it to his mouth to kiss the palm.

“Do you want these, Jay?” he pressed the clamps into Jared's hand. “Don't have to use them if you don't like them. They're yours. You throw them away if you want. Take them home and keep them for yourself if you don't have a pair like that...”

“Don't have any,” Jared blurted.

“Do you want them?”

“y-yeah,” was whispered so quietly Tim wouldn't have been sure it had been spoken at all if not for seeing Jared's lips move.

“Then put them on, Jay. Put them on and play with them. Make it feel good, show me what you like.”

Tim stroked Jared's legs. Reassuring, calming, the occasional tickle-light trail of fingertips over the insides of Jared's thighs as he resumed his quiet kind of idiotic babble of how gorgeous and hot and perfect Jared was. Not letting Jared lose focus for a second he was with Tim.

It seemed like an eternity before Jared's trembling hands clumsily put the clamps on.

“That's it...fuck, Jay. So gorgeous.” Tim soothed. “Play with them, baby, make yourself feel good. So fucking gorgeous.”

Jared slowly relaxed. Eyes helpless and desperate on Tim even as he did exactly as Tim asked and getting caught in the sensations. He could fucking see the freefall in Jared's eyes even as he gasped and wriggled as much as he could, trying to scoot and press his ass against Tim's cock.

Tim kept up his litany of nonsense soothing Jared, hands petting and teasing Jared's legs.

Tim leaned forward just a bit and caught Jared's hand dragging it along his stomach to his cock. “Touch yourself, Jay. Don't you dare come til I tell you, but touch yourself, as long as you can without coming.”

Jared whimpered sounding just a little broken, eyes a little too wet-bright and reflecting an absolute spiralling freefall.

Tim's voice was starting to get hoarse as he carried on, Jared looking panicked the second he quieted and tried to swallow to wet his throat a bit. His hands kept moving on Jared's legs, teasing, petting, reassuring. Jared slowly started rocking into the hand around his cock. Chest arching into the flares of pain as he played with the clamps.

“Please...Tim, close,” Jared managed to get out brokenly. “Please...”

Tim reached in the toiletry bag for the lube. “Gimme your hand, baby,”

Jared held out a shaking hand. Eyes wide and terrified as Tim gave him the tube of lube.

“Tim,” he pled.

“Shh, shh, you do it, get yourself ready for me.”

“Tim,”

“Shh, s'okay, you do it.”

Jared's breath was ragged, whimpered little hitches as he opened the lube with shaking hands.

He had no idea what the fuck he was saying. The growing hoarse-itch in the back of his throat didn't lessen, he was still babbling something. He doubted Jared knew either. He pushed Jared's legs back toward his chest, holding them as Jared slowly moved a slick shaking finger toward his hole.

Christ his baby was just fucking shattering into nothing in front of him. They both groaned as Jared tentatively pressed the tip of his finger into himself.

The wet-bright of Jared's eyes edged to blinked back threatening tears.

“That's it, oh fuck, baby,” Tim groaned as Jared pushed the finger all the way into his ass.

A tear slipped out of the corner of Jared's eye and raced down his temple into his hair. Tim fought the urge to lean in and lick it away. Jared's splintering apart the only thing that had him holding onto any kind of restraint.

The broken hitch of Jared's breathing shot through him, even as he soothed and encouraged. His own breathing was ragged, ears straining over the pounding of his heartbeat for any little sound, anything.

“Fuck!” Jared gasped, breath catching and shudder running through his body.

“Yeah, like that. Take your time and make this feel good.”

Jared whined and attempted to shift, finger pressing a little deeper, finding the spot again.

“God, so gorgeous, so gorgeous, baby,” Tim croaked out. His voice trying to give out on him as Jared slowly relaxed into finger fucking himself.

“Another, another finger, baby,” Tim reminded Jared when it seemed like Jared blanked on what he was supposed to be doing. “Slow, slow, make it feel good, make it feel good, baby. Want to see you feel good. Slow, easy. Don't rush, don't hurt yourself.”

Tim's breath caught as Jared eased the second finger into himself. Shaking, writhing, gasping for air. Another tear or two slipped out of the corner of Jared's eyes. Blue eyes locked on him desperate, shattering. Pleasure warring with everything that had caused all the red ink in the tablet, need to please clashing with sheer fucking terror.

“I've gotcha. Not letting go,” Tim rasped out, fingers digging painfully into where his hands rested on Jared's calves. Hopefully enough to keep Jared grounded “Gotcha gotcha, baby. Not letting my Jared go. That's it, take your time, easy, god you're amazing...let it feel good. This is supposed to feel good. That's it.”

Whimpers and soft needy broken sounds not quite moans tangled with the desperate terrified hitch in Jared's breathing. A few more tears escaping as Jared eased a third finger into himself finally at Tim's urging. Arching up, straining to get the angle just right.

“Gotcha, gotcha. That's it, so fucking gorgeous.”

“Please,” Jared sobbed.

“Yeah, oh fuck, yeah, so gorgeous, so fucking amazing, baby.” Tim leaned forward, bending Jared's body a little more as he did, licking at the now free-rolling tears before kissing Jared slow and deep. His cock pressed against Jared's hand, pushing his fingers a little deeper. “Fucking amazing.”

“Please.”

“Shh, shh, gonna fuck you. Slow and so deep all you know is me. Hold the back of your knees for me, baby. Hold your legs,” Tim leaned back shoving down his sweats and reaching for a condom from the toiletry kit. Jared held the backs of his knees, pulling his knees to his chest.

“Please.”

“I'm gonna, shh, mine, so fucking amazing, baby.” Tim murmured, his throat raw as he rolled the condom on.

His reached for the tube of lube on Jared's chest, fingertips flicking the clamps first making Jared sob out a desperate sound.

“Please, god please, Tim...”

Tim concentrated on spreading the lube on his cock. Tube tossed to the floor, and hopefully it didn't get stepped on and ruin some scribble that Jared decided was vitally important even if it was debris on the floor from his last few weeks of thinking and fighting himself.

”Please!” Nothing but a sob, tears running from his eyes, no control, nothing but raw deconstruction and confused desperation.

“I'm here. I've got you. My Jared. My Jared.” Tim forced the words through the raw dryness in his throat, pressing the head of his cock into Jared's hole, easing a couple inches into the tight heat before any real resistance was met.

“My Jared, my Jared. Mine. So fuckin' amazing, mine. Relax, baby, Let me in. I've got you, not letting go. Safe, baby, you're safe. Relax and let me in.”

Jared sobbed as Tim pressed a little further in, his whole body shaking with the effort to wait, let Jared adjust before pressing in a little more. Sweat rolled into his eyes and burned. Jared quivered, gasping out sobs as his body slowly gave way, letting Tim in a milimeter at a time.

Oh god, Jared was so tight it was nearly painful. Tension and fear keeping him tight even as he shattered further under Tim. Fuck. His baby was nothing but ashes and broken shards, burnt and splintered away. Fingers dug with bruising force into Tim's shoulder and back as Jared tried to pull him closer, hang on for dear life. Tim struggled to pant out reassurance, little more than “gotcha s'okay mine” got out past his raw throat and heavy breathing with everything in him screaming to sink deep and hard into Jared and just pound into him. So fucking tight and hot.

“Fuck,” Tim breathed as he sank completely into Jared. Jared clenched tight around him.

He leaned forward just a bit more, lowering his head to kiss Jared, swallowing the quiet broken sobs, completely possessing Jared's mouth until neither of them could breathe as his body screamed with the need to move.

He kissed and licked Jared's tears away trying to catch his breath. Jared's body suddenly went slack, Tim groaned as he seemed to sink a little more into Jared's heat even if that wasn't possible. The fingers that had been digging brutally into his shoulder and back lax and resting lightly, limply against him. The sobs quieted further and only the faintest quiver in Jared's body remained.

Tim raised his head afraid Jared had passed out.

Tim's breath caught staring down into tear-filled blue eyes. Even the ashes and broken shards blown away with the shattering of the last of Jared's subconscious defenses and walls. Jared laid bare and defenseless to his very soul and every bit of it offered up to Tim.

“So perfect, so amazing,” Tim managed to rasp out. His own body's urgency to move, to come blown away and forgotten, lost in awe and amazement at how fucking beautiful Jared was and the complete trust offered.

He lowered his head and brushed a soft chaste kiss across Jared's mouth, then another. Slowly deepening the string of kisses, sweet and gentle, coaxing Jared's response. Mumbling dry-scratchy voiced nearly incoherent reassurance and praise between kisses.

Tim slowly raised his hips, pulling almost all the way out before sliding back in even more slowly. Jared gave a soft whine. Tears flowing free, not a single thing hidden or locked away, everything offered up and sinking further into the surrender with every breath.

“When you can't hold off any longer, you can come.” Tim rasped, torturing them both with the repeated slow withdrawal and even slower push back into Jared, praising his baby with barely coherent repetitions of how gorgeous and perfect he was.

Jared's orgasm caught them both by surprise—and Tim in the throat and chin as he leaned for another kiss. Jared clenching around him pulling him right over the edge a heart beat later.

His back, shoulders and legs were burning as he eased back and out of Jared and stood on less than steady legs to let Jared stretch out as much as he could for a second.

Jared was limp as a rag doll when Tim manuvered them around enough that he had Jared held tight against his chest on his lap, legs stretched out along the seat. Tim shifted reaching for what was poking out of the cushions behind him. The small bottle looked to be one of Jared's damned vitamin water things, the label peeled off and only just a swallow or two left in it. His throat was so damned dry and raw he unscrewed the cap and sniffed. It smelled kind of chalky and fruity, but yeah one of the vitamin waters. And those damned things actually could taste worse. He'd thought they were bad cold and freshly opened.

He spotted a scarf on the arm of the loveseat sized not quite couch and grabbed it, wiping off his chin throat and chest and Jared's too with one end. Lack of anything else in sight he used the other end to wipe Jared's eyes and nose. “Blow, baby.”

“Dry clean only,” Jared mumbled from somewhere miles away in a fog.

“Huh?”

“Scarf, dry clean...”

Tim blinked his own mind misfiring and slow yet from his orgasm and just from being blown away by Jared. Dry clean only scarf? Yeah it made fuckall for sense to have dry clean only anything on a tour bus but a scarf.

“I'll have it cleaned, baby, or buy you a new one,” Tim promised. “I didn't know. Blow your nose, I can hear you sniffin' back the snot.”

Jared did as he was told then curled a little further against Tim's chest as the shaking started again. Tim grabbed for the rest of the blanket he was sitting on tugging it from under Jared's legs and wrapping it around Jared's chest and shoulders.

Jared cocooned himself in shit; layers of flannel, hoodies and scarves. Most of the last few weeks he'd had a blanket or two from his bunk wrapped around him like some lost little kid not wanting to sleep because of a nightmare when he was on the bus. When it was Jared, in private with no one around, not public or fucked up act of the day, Jared cocooned himself in shit, for comfort especially when he was upset or writing. Sometimes cocooned himself in shit just to hide when he wanted left alone or a barrier between himself and even the three of them on the bus. The day before he'd caught Jared almost constantly rubbing the edge of a scarf between his fingers like his friend Heather's two year old rubbed his blankie on his cheek and sucked his thumb the entire time Tim babysat for a weekend before this tour.

Tim didn't think he was ever going to admit to noticing that habit not even if Jared ever called him on dragging blankets around. He wasn't that stupid as to accidentally commit suicide by way of Jared-rampage.

Jared shifted just a little, trying to burrow closer. The scrape of metal against his chest caught his attention. Shit.

“Clamps, baby. Sit back a second, lemme get them off,” Tim whispered hugging Jared tight and brushing a kiss against Jared's forehead. He nudged Jared back, taking off the first clamp gently rubbing to ease the burst of fresh ache the clamps removal brought, repeating with the second before pulling Jared tight against him. “Yours, baby,” he folded Jared's hand around the clamps. “You do whatever you want with them.”

Jared opened his hand and stared at the clamps confused and more than a little scared.

“Yours. You don't like them, throw them away. Want them when we're together, just hand them to me. Need a little pain to get off when you're alone, use them. Safe, not going to accidentally hurt yourself with those. They're yours. You do whatever you want with them.” Tim folded Jared's hand around them again.

Jared started trembling again.

Tim just wrapped his arms tighter around Jared and rocked him a little side to side. Some clue which way Jared would swing when he got back to himself enough would be nice but he wasn't getting one yet.

“Not getting in trouble for anything that you say from now until we get to your bunk,” Tim murmured kissing Jared's hair. To him it went without saying. He knew Jared. Rattled Jared had a mouth and could carve anyone in earshot to confetti in about three seconds flat. A minor rampage or at least a good bit of quiet snarling as Jared tried to fight himself back together a bit was a given at least for as far and the way he'd flown apart this time. Tim didn't want to imagine how much pure hell Jared had gotten himself into just reacting like himself.

“You okay, baby?” Tim finally asked after a long while, Jared just trembling burrowed against him, staring at his hand closed around the clamps.

“You fucking stupid?” words shaky and quiet, nothing more than an incredulous breath.

Tim pressed his face against Jared's hair and smiled, relief washing over him. Jared might not be okay just yet, but he would be.

“Why the fuck do I need these?” Jared demanded shakily staring at his hand.

“Don't like them?”

Jared was silent.

“Jay? Do you like them?”

“Yeah,” was the sullen response.

“There's your answer.”

“Goddamned button pushing bastard. I don't...,” Jared hissed.

“You try to tell me you don't jack off I'll call you a goddamned liar,” Tim said quietly when Jared trailed off and stopped. He rested his cheek against Jared's forehead. “Stick em in a drawer and forget them, throw them away if they bother you. They're a gift. Not a trap. Not a suggestion. Not any damned thing at all except I thought you might like them.”

“Not what I meant,” Jared muttered.

“Jared, just thought you might enjoy them. That's all. There's nothing more than that to read into anything. No motive, no trap, sure as hell not an order to use them if you don't like pain when you're by yourself...for whatever reason. Not going to ask what you did with them. A gift. Something I thought you might like. That's all.”

Tim braced himself even as he held Jared a little tighter, rocking and rubbing his hand back and forth just slightly. Jared settling back into himself was going to...be an experience.

“What the fuck was that?”

“Intense, mind-blowing,” Tim murmured.

“Goddamned button pushing bastard,” Jared hissed. “Fucking hate you.”

A knife of pure ice settled into Tim's heart and spread through him, acid boiled up in his stomach. Jared's continued half mumbled hissing fell on deaf ears, not a bit of what Jared was saying registered at all.

“If—baby, stop. Please, stop,” Tim whispered shakily. “Hush, look at me.”

Jared shifted back enough to glare at Tim. The shaken and unsettled barely covered by defiance and fury. Confused and wary and ready to fight.

“You mean that?” Tim asked, voice unsteady to his own ears.

Jared looked completely baffled.

“Do you mean that?” Tim struggled and failed to keep his voice steady. “Never hurt you, never meant to hurt you. Especially not so badly...do you mean that?”

“Mean what?”

“That you hate me...”

Jared stared at him.

Tim's heart fucking shattered. “I won't hold you to a damn thing if you mean that.” He managed just barely, voice thick and shaky. “Stay out of your way, never come near you again if you mean that. If I hurt you...”

“I—,” Jared gaped. “You're serious.”

“Yeah.” Jesus how could he not be?

“I—I'm a fucking asshole. I—fuck I didn't realize I said I—fuck.”

Tim blinked at the threatening sting in his eyes and tried not to puke or shake apart.

“I don't hate you,” Jared whispered brokenly, looking anywhere but at Tim.

“Goddamn you. Jared, look at me and fucking say that. I told you...not just tolerating to get something of what you need. I can't stand that. Fucking kill me. I won't hurt someone I care about like that.”

Jared was shaking and looked terrified and about as ready to puke as Tim felt. “Don't hate you.” the words barely audible.

“I—call me every name in the book, cuss me out, I—fuck I get you're that rattled, whatever you need to get settled enough to go out there and try to rest. Have to settle again now, not able to hide all that long and take your time get yourself back together but don't say that unless you mean it, Jared. Don't say you hate me unless you honestly mean it.”

“Sorry,” Jared whispered.

Tim hugged him tight to his chest, tucking Jared's head under his chin, shaking with relief.

Jared clung.

Tim only held him tighter. The constriction in his throat not letting him get more than “Gotcha baby” croaked out. They were both nearly falling asleep without another word spoken when Tim made Jared get up and get dressed, shuffling him to his bunk and crawling in right behind him and holding him tight to catch what little rest they could. Jared caught his hand where Tim rested it on his stomach and dragged it up over his heart, nearly dislocating knuckles he held on so tight until he dozed off.

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