Current music:	Bob Seger - Love to Watch Her Strut
Entry tags:	30 seconds to mars, btvs: xander harris, buffy the vampire slayer, hellfire tales, mcr: matt cortez, my chemical romance

Hellfire Tales: Could Have Been Worse 7/7
full header & part 1 || part 2 || part 3 || part 4 || part 5 || part 6





Twelve freaking days in the van, three truck stop showers and one guitarist Matt was really really close to strangling. Drunken loudmouthed fucking idiot.

“Not worth the jail time. You're not going to be able to take me to prison with you if you kill him.” Xander said shoving Matt into the motel room they had for the night.

Matt fought down the growl. “You're a fuckin' smart ass.”

“Better than a dumb ass and you're being one just now. In!” Xander pushed again to get Matt completely in the room and get in himself.

“First that bitch then-”

Xander rolled his eye. “Hate to break it to ya, but you were the one she was drooling over, not me. If she was staring at me it was in pure horror in a 'how did that freak get out of the circus side show' way not a 'I wanna get groiny with the one eyed loser who looks even more disgusting with a big ol' gash on his cheek'.”

Matt glared. The gash from three days before was healing fast with the salve Tara had sent along. She'd pulled him aside and put the strap of a duffel bag around his neck managing to stammer out that Xander was as much of a trouble magnet as a demon magnet and didn't take care of himself because he didn't think he was worth it. The gash was from a ring some biker dude the guitarist of Landmine had pissed off. The dumb ass had gotten himself jumped, gotten them all jumped when they were loading up after the show.

The only plus was they hadn't gotten charged with anything. The bar owner had had trouble with the biker gang before but hadn't called the cops. Xander-could kick ass. So could Oz, Devon, Keith and Mitch. And Matt really had to figure out which was which of those two. They hung back behind Oz and Devon. One didn't talk much, the other not at all it seemed. The combined ass kicking ability of Xander and the Dingoes probably saved all their asses from the mess that idiot set off. And he was pretty sure he didn't want to know how someone about 5'5 and maybe around 130 pounds could lift a guy easily 250 and 6'3 and throw him, or why Oz's eyes looked kinda yellow when he did that.

Matt honestly had all he could do to keep from killing Landmine's drunk of a guitarist from the word go. Then there had flat tires, broken strings, a drum skin with a hole, and just one minor pissant problem after another. Nothing that kept them from getting to the next show on time, or even getting on stage on time, but enough to have Matt ready to scream. The fucker had noticed Matt watching Xander and how Xander tended to stay within arm's reach.

The fucker had smarted off that four rooms wasn't being split fairly. The Dingoes were in one room. Fallen Saints and the two along with them were in the second-which left them piled up three to a bed, but they weren't saying shit or causing any trouble. One of their crew was acting weird though. Matt was just waiting for some kind of fucking problem from that direction. Xander and Matt had a room. That left the squabbling mess of Landmine and their four crew all in one room.

Matt would kill someone if he had to put up with them in the room. Any of them. The guitarist and the one asshole in Landmine's crew were nothing but goddamned trouble. They'd started mouthing about Matt and Xander having the room to themselves. “I paid for it fuck off,” had been Xander's reply and managed to get Matt into the room before there was bloodshed in the parking lot and the motel manager called the cops.

“OH WHAT?!” Xander shouted through the door at the knock just as he finished locking it.

“It's me.”

“Can it wait til morning Oz?”

“Gonna have a hairy situation tomorrow night. It's the first of the moon.”

“Tibet slipping?” Xander whined unlocking the door.

“Not me.”

Xander groaned. “I've got a box of sleeping dust but...not sure on a wolf.”

“Moon? Wolf?” Matt stared. “Please-don't tell me...”

“Uh okay. Won't tell you we've got a werewolf that's going to change the next three nights with the moon.”

Matt gaped. “Werewolves are real too?”

“Yeah.”

“How do you tell?”

“You don't, until it's too late usually.” Xander shrugged. “Oz is a wolf though.”

Well, that explained the cage comment and why Oz had a cage that first night. “So what? The Dingoes don't have a guitarist the next three nights?”

“I'm good.” Oz shook his head and held up his hands. “Bracelets are wards. And the meditation. I don't have to change with the moon. Studied with monks in Tibet off and on for a couple years. The first off was a big mistake-lost control of the wolf and almost ate Tara. But I've been good for years.”

“Did you mention that somewhere in all the fucking babbling and I missed it or was that brushed off as not important?” Matt snapped. Fucking werewolves on tour!.

Xander outwardly didn't flinch, didn't change in his posture. Just forced a goofy half grin, “Ooops forgot. I'm an idiot what can I say?” The grin was a lie, the relaxed posture, the appearance of normal. Matt could feel it. The dark look Oz flicked in his direction said he'd noticed the scored hit too.

“Still got the reinforcements and the cage in my van. Just got to empty it. “

Xander nodded. “Cram it in the back of ours for the moon. Keith and Mitch can ride with us. Keith okay?”

“He says you need to not bleed around him. You smell too damned good.”

“So butcher's shop stop tomorrow.”

“Keith ain't to thrilled with that idea.”

“Yeah well he's too damn human for med rejects and I'm not opening a vein.”

“Mmm,” Oz nodded. “Yeah. Same problem with him feeding from me, he's too human. Dev would feed right back. He likes being bit too much and I can't. He's not supposed to feed again for at least another couple weeks. Mitchy-no.”

“Yeah. So-you just want the keys or you need help with the Wolf?”

“Nah, keys are good.”

Xander fished the van keys out of his pocket and handed them over. “I'll get em back in the morning.”

“Open a vein,” Matt demanded when the door was shut.

“Keith's just a little bit Damphyr. I'm really not sure how that works-never came across a full Damphyr. They're tricky to make, take a fuck of a lot of mojo to get right and the pregnant woman they grab for that has to have a bit of some kind of demon blood, but it's only a few races and only just a bit to survive being fed vampire blood through her pregnancy so it doesn't kill her, and usually real bastards that have no clan loyalty when they're grown enough to fight and get out on their own. The Master of the Order of Aurelius made one once. That one hunted down and took out over half of Aurelius when Spike's grandsire Darla was a fledge. Well, Connor might count as something like Damphyr. He's got a lot of the vampy extras, but is human with a heart beat but he's the human child of two vampires. That's a long story. Any way Keith's not even enough he needs to feed. Just the smell of blood and a good fight will get him hungry now and then.”

Matt gaped, his mind trying to catch up with that. Damphyr. Why not? Witches and Vampires and Werewolves and Demons and ghosts and Incubi and Succubi and Slayers and...

And Xander was seriously upset. Hurt. Matt could feel it.

“I didn't mean to snap at you,” Matt sighed.

“S'okay. I'm used to it. I think whipping boy's permanently been put somewhere in my job description by the universe.”

“Oh that just makes it so fucking okay, yeah,” Matt growled really not liking the thought of anyone abusing his Xander.

“I-Oz has had the wolf under control for years. It hadn't come up and there's been so much else.”

“Yeah-I just fucking werewolves,” Matt sighed. He'd figured out Xander's subject changes were kind of final. He could talk in circles and avoid like no one Matt had ever seen in his life and the more something was pushed, the more circles Xander would go in and the feeling of upset radiating off him would get unbearably strong no matter how much he was grinning and joking.

“It should be okay, I've got the powder. I can wolf sit during the show tomorrow night. That old van of Oz's has been warded and mojo'd to the limit to hold a wolf for him just in case. I'm pretty sure they've got tranq darts too. Oz is good about covering for contingencies, no matter how unlikely.”

“Do you know anyone that's completely normal human, not able to do magic or some mythological creature?” Matt asked shaking his head a little. Werewolves on tour. He was trying to keep from grabbing Xander and... and werewolves on tour, oh and either the bassist or the drummer was part Damphyr and Xander's blood made him hungry...

“You're human, aren't you?”

Matt took a shaky breath. “Far as I know,” he managed at last.

Xander nodded looking a little wary.

“I-“ Matt closed his eyes, fighting the raising possessiveness. Landmine's asshole, the girl that had been totally checking Xander out. Now, Xander's blood made a Damphyr or part-Damphyr hungry.

“Hey, c'mere,” Xander said quietly. “You know, fighting until you about lose your mind? Lot less fun on this end in the long run.”

Matt winced.

“I know I'm nothing to look at anymore, not that I ever really was but-I don't usually make babies cry just point and say mommy what happened to him?”

Matt growled and grabbed Xander catching the taller man's face in his hands. “Damn it, don't fuckin' talk about yourself like that!”

“Like you'd ever have-“

“Probably not now. Still-Jay-and-but damn it. I was appreciating the view even with snakes getting their heads shot off and ghosts and shit the first time I was in Hellfire. And I just-plain fucking like you. Almost makes it worse cause I don't wanna fuckin' hurt anyone.” Because hell yeah, a different time, different circumstances, he'd've been very interested, the more he got to know Xander the more he didn't doubt that. Was interested, but...yeah. This whole damned mess kinda killed that. Either way he couldn't stand hearing Xander dismiss himself like that.

“Curse induced possessive insanity and everything else included-probably the best relationship I've had in years. Right up there with Cordy or Anya. You're not going to hurt me.”

Matt glared and vaguely wondered if there was some way to hurt the glowy kind of ghost, ascended being, whatever the hell she was. The you were nothing til you dated me crack came to mind and some of the insults she'd tossed while they'd bickered when he'd first gotten to Hellfire and Xander's. Friendly, old habit now, mostly. Xander had at least given as good as he got, almost. No, not really. His comebacks were almost as much putdowns at himself as anything else.

“Easy, easy,” Xander soothed.

Matt swallowed, doubting that there was any way Xander would ever think it wasn't the damned curse whatever it was. He liked Xander, lame as that seemed. Even knowing all the weird shit and demons and curses and everything else, Xander got the shit end of this with Matt riding the edge of psycho half the time. He was only able to get through the day because he and Xander were alone most of it in the van and Xander made it easy. He stayed close, was so freaking oblivious to any attention he got, dismissing it. And he didn't look. Matt caught himself watching Xander like a hawk often enough to know Xander didn't spare a glance even at the ones that were flirting with him blatantly.

“Don't. Okay...just don't talk shit about yourself. Just don't,” Matt whispered.

“Try to break the habit.”

Matt nodded and stroked his thumb over Xander's cheekbone. “Okay,” Matt stretched and leaned into Xander, almost shyly brushing a kiss across Xander's lips. Everything that had resembled sex between them, well, awkward and wrong at best, mostly Xander gritting his teeth through Matt trying to regrasp any sort of sanity or self-control.

The cold in the pit of his stomach melted just a bit as Xander just as cautiously, uncertainly kissed him back. Not really an improvement, because the cold knot at least wasn't churning.

“Please tell me this-somehow this is-gets better.” Matt whispered against Xander's lips.

“You kissed me, didn't knock me to the floor and turn all caveman.” Xander murmured and wrapped his arms around Matt. “It's getting better...and the stupid ownership bind was meant for demons that live thousands of freaking years. Normal mortal human staying sane is kinda one hell of an accomplishment against the possessive and ownership parts of this. You're too busy being guilty, I'm seeing the improvement,” Xander shifted taking a half step back and leaned against the door, pulling Matt against him. “I have to say I've felt the improvement. This is gonna settle. Two weeks and we're kinda where I was hoping for two years from now already.”

Matt didn't think he was 'improving' a damned bit as much as he was fighting the insane jealousy and the urge to watch everyone that came within ten feet of Xander. And the urge to beat half of them to a pulp. The frustration from being so constantly, fucking unnaturally, horny didn't improve his mood a goddamned bit either.

“You haven't seemed to want to kill me for talking to anyone.”

“Haven't-want to kill them for coming too close. They look you don't.” Matt admitted. That didn't begin to excuse the night before they'd left, or the way he'd acted after they'd been jumped because of that goddamned asshole guitarist. Matt was seeing red again just at the thought-

“What-you're getting all pissed and wound up. What?”

“Fucker's fault you got hurt,” Matt grated out and touched the gash on Xander's cheek.

“Exactly,” Xander said. “Not that I let somebody touch me.”

“Yeah uh huh. You let yourself get beat to shit on purpose,” Matt snapped.

“That would be more in line with the intent of the usual spell from what I got outta all of Wes' babble. That it would go way more to suspicious of everything I did than overprotective.”

Wes had told them both. Or at least Matt had been there when Wes explained what he'd figured out and answered Xander's questions. Wrapping his mind around a enough to comprehend was beyond what he had been capable of at the time, torn between wanting to kill Wes for talking to his Xander, freaking over that and going insane because his nose itched and his hands were heavily bandaged at the time that he couldn't do a damn thing about it.

Matt relaxed a little more against Xander involuntarily as a hand slipped up under the back of his t-shirt and rubbed over skin. Realization of what he was doing hit when Xander whined softly. Matt pulled back panting, hard enough to almost hurt and stared in horror at the forming bruise on Xander's neck ringed by indents of his teeth. “Fuck,” he whispered shakily.

Xander 's hand slid to Matt's ass, pulling him tight against Xander. That Xander was just as hard as he was pretty obvious. “Biting my neck like that-pretty sure way to get a free pass to do whatever you want, and have me begging for more as long as you keep it up.” Xander said dryly. “I was thralled a couple times by the same Vampire, one that had plenty of mojo even without the vamp extras. Few left overs from that-me ready to drop to my knees and beg when my neck is bitten is one.”

“Thralled?” Matt whispered warily. The definition from movies and stories but-

“Basically complete mind control, no thought or will left, just pleasing your master.”

“How long?”

“First time-just over a day, that was when I was like-eighteen, nineteen? Second time was for about seven months, five years ago. “ Xander sighed. “No staking him when he shows up?”

“WHAT?”

“Thought I felt him tonight. He'll be showing up and showing up sooner than later. I've been holed up in Hellfire for the last six months. He can't find me there.”

“He's stalking you?” Matt growled.

“Not-exactly,” Xander shook his head.

“Oh really?”

“Yeah...he let me go. The girls showed up, Buff and a few others to rescue me-once they realized I was actually missing. He released the thrall and gave me the choice of staying or going. Girls said they needed me so I went. Picked up a need for Vampire blood during that time though. I actually do pretty good. Only need a little bit every month or so. Spike gave me some the last few times I was hurting I couldn't stand it. Vampire's willingly got to give the blood-it'll cause a bind of it's own. Addiction aside, it gives few extras like being just a little harder to break and heal maybe a little faster. Nothing noticeable so far for me. Rough as hell the first few months after I left Vlad, girls made it worse, but like a single swallow every couple months is enough to stave off the withdrawal now.”

Matt scowled.

“Vlad released me, and swore that next time I'd have to ask for him to thrall me and he wouldn't let me go.. Spike is Spike and so never going to be a threat. Too much history. Never ever be a threat.”

“He really thought you'd go back?”

“Mmm, yeah,” Xander nodded. “Vampire part is the biggest problem. After Jesse---”

Matt frowned, he knew he'd heard the name Jesse before and tried to remember. The friend that had had been turned and Xander 'dusted'.

“No dusting Vlad. Okay? That'll probably have me in agony for weeks. Physical. Literal agony. Not entirely sure what Vlad is beyond a vamp. His blood tastes different than Spike's. Something else to it. Which might explain all the mojo and how not like a normal vamp he is.”

“Ever fucking hear of Stockholm syndrome?” Matt stared, fighting down the fury at the thought of his Xander fucking brainwashed and turned into a slave by the sound of it. At least that was Matt's impression and he was damn sure it wasn't far off.

“Yeah, too freaking stupid to-”

“DONT!” Matt snarled.

“I only brought it up cause I sensed him,” Xander sighed. “Trying to avoid more problems...”

“Why-you...” Matt couldn't quite find the words but Xander sounded like he almost regretted leaving the bastard that brainwashed him and turned him into a fucking slave. “You would have even considered staying with the choice?”

“You're not going to like the answer.”

“Tell me anyway.”

“Yeah. No need to fight. No one dying because I wasn't smart enough or fast enough or made the wrong call. No one pointing out all the fuck ups or that I'm just in the way. It was a nice vacation from slayage, disturbing and fucked up and I'll never get past the vampire part but...”

Matt was sick at the implications, and even worse that he really wasn't any better. Never mind how it had happened, now he was the one that was...

Xander's hand moved slowly over his back, fucking comforting him. Matt wanted to just beat the living hell out of something.

“He's not going to take me or try anything beyond being annoying,” Xander said softly. Trying to soothe. “Other vamps won't work, intent and frequency...binds that can screw with everything. Vlad's doesn't. Spike really doesn't much. He's Spike. No way.”

Matt shook his head slightly. Once he'd actually gotten the bandages off his hands and-well, completely fucking lost all control and went nuts on Xander the people in Hellfire didn't bother him. There wasn't anything he sensed from any of them that he could think of that set off this crazy ass shit. “Spike doesn't bother me. None of them do there. Not even Faith. She'd never touch you.”

“Mmm, nope.”

Something in the way that Xander said that made Matt frown, there was a not again left off he was sure of it. “History?”

“Once. Near strangulation not my thing. Faith was pretty messed up back then.”

“Is there anything that doesn't have a near death experience, demons or some really fucked up shit in any of your stories?”

Xander seemed to think a moment. Then shrugged. “I was raised by drunks on the mouth of hell, and have been fighting demons since I was fifteen. I'm actually on a couple Demon Lord's ten most wanted list. My best date ever-was breaking into a military base to steal a grenade launcher that Buffy needed to kill a demon. Double date actually. Me and Cordelia, and Oz and Willow. We went in Oz's van.”

“You never tried to get out of this shit?”

“Once. I ended up stripping to get my car's transmission fixed and turned around and went right back to Sunnydale and demons.”

“Stripping?” Matt choked.

“Yeah. One of those things I don't talk about ever. Never ever mention again please. And yes I made decent tips but I wasn't quite eighteen yet, had two eyes and a helluva lot less scars.” Xander shook his head. “Can we not mix talkage and smoochage. Think it might be better that way.”

Matt nodded. He'd kinda really proven at least to himself where the limit was, the breaking point for the unnatural possessiveness and need to prove how he owned Xander. Xander had probably a better grasp on that than he did and somehow hadn't said I told you so even when he was paying the price of Matt nearly losing it.

~*~



“C'mon. Matt, c'mon wake up,” Xander shifted pulling Matt into his arms. “C'mon, just a nightmare.”

He could tell the second Matt was awake and aware enough of his surroundings. Hard to miss with Matt going stiff as a board in his arms.

“Fuck,” Matt whispered unsteadily.

“Yeah, looked like a doozy. You okay?”

Matt nodded wordlessly. Xander didn't believe it for a second but really didn't think calling Matt on it would do any good either.

“I get nightmares. S'okay,” Xander murmured.

“Are curses real?”

Xander frowned at the odd question. “Yeah...the crap with the stone Angelus pulled could be considered a curse. Well, Angelus being cursed with a soul for over a century is another.”

Matt didn't say anything, just laid there stiff and something so very obviously wrong.

Xander sighed. “I knew this was too good to be true. After all it's me. Shit turning out half decent, or as much as it could be just doesn't happen to me. This is the part where you tell me you're cursed or something right?”

“What?”

“Knew this was too fucking good to be true,” Xander murmured tiredly, trying to summon the energy to be...hells, feel anything.

“WHAT?”

Xander just sighed again.

“What do you mean too good to be true?” Matt demanded.

Xander leaned his forehead against the back of Matt's head, not quite daring to curl anycloser around the other man. “You're human for one. That's a -hell I don't know if that's good. Humans break easier than demons and I'm never getting out of slaying alive but real decent human is kinda nice. Humanity kinda gets lost slaying. I'm not even sure if I'm fully human anymore, I don't like thinking about that but I gotta say even before the second time Vlad thralled me it was starting to get debatable and I've got a scary tolerance and nasty addiction to vampire blood.”

Yeah. Even after all this time that one was galling. The extras were almost worth the trade off. Vlad had held up his half, why Xander didn't have a clue but he did. He couldn't find anything possibly apocalyptic about Vlad's motives. He'd done his research on Vlad. He'd never gone after a slayer. Defended himself if one cornered him but usually played smoke and mirrors and gypsy mojo and disappeared the few times that had happened. Vlad showing up in Sunnydale to 'check out' Buffy had actually been an aberration in behavior according to the Watchers records.

What he'd figured out as well, he should be dead or insane. Gorging on vampire blood once every six weeks shouldn't be possible. Not for a human. The amount-well, Vlad made sure he fed well before he came to Xander, but swore that he didn't kill his meals. Xander was willing to believe that because vamps tended to leave signs they were around, and Vlad didn't. His court was minimal and all completely obedient.

Going as long as he managed between infusions of vampire blood should have him at best at death's door and a drooling lunatic. He wasn't going anywhere near Spike's consort theory, he wasn't. His situation didn't add up a bit to what Spike vaguely knew of human consorts. It wasn't like one would have ever been tolerated by the Master. Darla and Angelus wouldn't have allowed one either and Dru would have killed them one way or another. At the very least she would have chained them up somewhere and forgot where if the stars and Miss Edith didn't remind her. The stars and Miss Edith were only slightly more reliable than Drusilla.

“Human, with a human lifespan is definitely a major bonus.” Xander whispered more to himself than anything. Spike had started the ways Xander should have died, been turned into some kind of demon or vegetable when Xander had been on the brink of leaving Hellfire and trying to summon Vlad, then nearly freaking drained Spike. None of it added up. “Especially with the less and less with thinking I'm still completely human. It's either slay or become what I've been slaying for the last fourteen years. I really don't want to imagine either for fucking eternity.”

Buffy had to though. Thanks to Willow. He, Anya and Tara had played their part in that, convinced by Willow...Gods only knew if they were just stupid and grieving or had their minds mojoed somehow.

Cremation was a possibility for Buffy, maybe. Maybe. The ashes would have to be kept close watch on on the new moon. Buffy had said it was like dying in reverse so..yeah, she felt the resurrection from that little bit and the best they could figure. None of them thought growing out of ashes really sounded like it was going to feel good, and could possibly destroy what slivers of sanity Buffy had left. Really they had no idea what to do next time, other than stick her in the freezer again. Though it was all theory, because even if they knew what could possibly end Buffy's repeat resurrecting, there was the Willow factor.

“You're good looking, you are dealing with this-all of it, better than anyone has a right to expect. You claim not to be revolted by me.”

Matt stiffened a little further in his arms with almost every word.

“Hey, you asked earlier if I knew anyone human-better question even, have I dated anyone human. Cordelia was human in high school, she ended up having to become part demon to survive the visions she inherited from Doyle and still ended up dying.. Anya lost the necklace that held her demonic powers so she was human most of the time we were together. Angst trauma, wedding that didn't happen, she ended up getting offered her old job back, along with being a demon again. We started working things out before she died saving Andrew. Anya was Anyanka, Patron Saint of Scorned Women for over a thousand years. Vengeance Demon. The woman I almost married, left at the alter and then ended up back together with, was an 1100 year old demoness who thought evisceration and castration were pillow talk. And I need to stop babbling yeah. But definitely too good to be true, so what? This where you come up with some horrible family curse or some thing?”

“No...” Matt shook his head.

Xander waited. He had no clue what to try with Matt. Not yet. So far, it seemed they stood a chance of making something they could both tolerate out of the situation. Xander thought maybe for once his 'magic goes wonky around Xander' factor was working in his favor. Matt was holding onto some control through the whole mess. That was incredible especially with the phone calls from Wes and what they'd managed to untangle as part of the curses/spells on the damned stone and interpretation of some of the markings in their tattoos.

Tara's determination that he go out on this tour with the Dingoes and the Riot tour coming up was rooted in the fact Willow and Buffy were likely going to start trying to find him again, just to know where he was. It was best if he was visible somewhere. They weren't going to run into severe clash of schedules and work for a few months at least.

“You're seriously just fucking okay with-this fucking nightmare?”

“Okay might be a stretch.” Okay definitely a stretch. Matt got sucked into Slaying with this. One way or another, he wasn't going to avoid dealing with slaying anymore than Xander could even if Matt stayed entirely fray adjacent. “I-I'm so fucking tired it's hard to feel mush of anything. The whole last year has been a nightmare, worse than just the usual. Better me than Tara and you are someone -like I told your Jared's brother, another time, another life, I would have been interested very interested. My dating record-is hellish enough that I just haven't for ages. Post-Apocalypse violent wrong and just an outlet for trying to hold onto sanity sums up my sex life for the last few years, except the six months I was thralled. You, all this, isn't even a blip on the trauma meter. There's...way too much else that has gone on, is, things moving into place where other stuff is looking to be inevitable of apocalyptic proportions. “

“You're not human?”

“Fucked if I know. I'm not sure I care anymore either. The drunks that spawned me-were a 100percent genetically human as far as I know.”

“So why wouldn't you be human?”

“Fed Mermaid's heart and hells only knows what all else in the supplements the swim team was forced to take. Exposed to Poseidon's mist in the sauna. Why Buffy had me go out for the swim team. The team was disappearing, they ended up dead or turned into demonic sea creatures by the Mermaid's heart and Poseidon's mist. The giant roach things that Vlad fed me the first time he thralled me. The fact I'm still alive with the vamp blood I have to have. The sheer amount of magic and magical shit gone wrong I've been hit with and still alive. Come to the conclusion that losing your humanity one way or another is part of the job description.”

“You're human,” Matt growled. “Everything I've seen of you, you're more human than most.”

Xander dared to pull Matt a little more back against him, holding him in an attempt at some kind of comfort. “Mostly I'm just fucking tired,” Xander said softly. “Tired of watching my friends and an endless line of little girls die.”

“Little girls?”

Xander explained Slayers, beyond the chosen warrior with extras bit. The part where they were just little girls. Younger than ever now. It used to be fifteen to sixteen when they were chosen. Since the first, since Willow. Thirteen, twelve, eleven, even a couple ten year olds. A ten year old with superpowers was still a ten year old. Demons knew this, hunted the slayers, the youngest ones. Easy to pick off, easy to scare, easy to catch. Especially ones that their families refused to believe, fought them about trying to train and protect the girls, the ones that the demons found before they did.

Faith's bitterness on that subject was a little too close to the mark. If Willow could make the fucking mess, could teleport all over the fucking world, why did a simple scrying spell to find the slayers escape Willow's grand sweeping spellwork. It worked for the three different covens and some of the stray magic users that helped the New Council. None of them had the range or power to cover the world but they could find Slayers even blind. Just knowing the feel of Slayer magically and scrying for anything that held their mental impression of what Slayer felt like. Willow....Willow just didn't want to bother with something as trivial as scrying for Slayers, she had bigger more important things to do, and how many little girls had died because Willow couldn't be bothered and there weren't enough strong enough to scry “blind” for unknown Slayers, and those that could only managed within a radius of twenty, thirty, fifty miles, a handful that could pull off a hundred miles from their location, a couple like Andrew managed maybe as much as five hundred miles and knocked themselves out for a week afterwards.

He pushed the thoughts aside.

“Jesus...there's--”

“Willow convinced us...” Xander whispered the story of Buffy's first resurrection, and how wrong it went. The scythe and the activation of all the potentials. The increase in apocalypses, the increase in dimensional holes that weren't apocalyptic but more demons, more everything. And then the last six months of cooling his heels in Hellfire without really being able to do anything. Tara and Wes, Andrew. He'd needed to be there for them but it still rankled. Especially when a call came from one of his teams. Three times in the last six months, just serious injuries thankfully not deaths but...

“You-this is what I do...”

“Yeah. For now, we've got time to figure it out. Something. Training school hid in Hellfire maybe, or just short trips to my crews, on call for the apocalypse and maybe spot of hunting following you around something. Tara's right. I need to at least look like I've retired for now. I'm following Oz around touring Willow won't be suspicious of me, just think she's finally gotten her way and me out of the way.”

“You could...retire.”

“I was fifteen when my best friend crumbled to dust on the stake I held. I'm the only one that's going to get close enough to Willow to take her down when we figure out how. I've buried dozens, I've sent people to their deaths, knew they were gonna die, they knew it too but I picked them because they'd buy the most time in the big picture and stood a chance of taking a few out with them. You get killed, or end up what you're hunting in this business. You don't walk away. Maybe I could've once, not anymore, hell, probably not since I was sixteen or seventeen. Seen too much, paid too much by then to be able to walk and leave the fight to someone else.”

"I don't like it--"

Xander snorted. "Mmm, we've got time to sort it out. Sometimes--some cases, I'm gonna have to go."

"Yeah."

"Why the fuck are you so damn nice about all this--just--"

"It could have been a lot worse, I don't even have to use much imagination on the lot worse."

Matt shuddered in his arms. "Don't want to try to imagine."

Xander made a wordless sound of agreement. Matt was probably better off not imagining how much worse it could be.