InsaneJournal

Current mood:	tired
Current music:	AC/DC - Walk All Over You
Entry tags:	30 seconds to mars, 30stm: jared leto, 30stm: jared/tim, 30stm: tim kelleher, 30stm: try anything verse

FIC: Try Anything Once 9: Gonna Kill Me --30stm Tim/Jared D/S
title: Try Anything Once #9: Gonna Kill Me
author: lisa roquin
fandom: 30Stm
rating adult
pairing/characters: tim/jared
disclaimer: lies, fiction, untrue. completely and totally made up. I know no one, know nothing of their personal lives. I make no claims of knowing much of anything.
summary: Jared was going to kill him yet.
warning: slash, Jared's tablet. m/m sex, D/s
also thanks to ink_on_the_page and wolfenverde for putting up with me wanting to throttle Tim's start/stop getting this written.
word count: 4150




Tim had gotten a few raised eyebrows from Shannon over the course of the day but he hadn't said a word at Jared's slightly stiff movements. Jared...

Well, Jared was going to drive him nuts, he was sure of that. He really, really was. The thing was, he was also convinced Jared wasn't intentionally going to drive him nuts with this—didn't change that he was going to drive Tim nuts all the same. He'd managed to stay awake and pry himself out Jared's bunk before Shannon and Tomo had woken up. He had woken Jared, or tried to he wasn't sure Jared had really woken up enough to register Tim's leaving even if he did open his eyes for a moment and mumbled an 'okay'.

He'd watched carefully, when he got the chance. He didn't want to be obvious and stare or something, risk the wrath of either brother or get too much of Tomo's attention on how Jared was moving. Jared had been moving a bit carefully and not more than necessary all day. He was close to hobbling once he got off stage after their set, enough so Tomo actually commented on it and Tomo had spent almost all day whining at Shannon with barely any awareness of anything else going on.

Shannon and Tomo's room was closer to the elevators and once the other two were in their room Jared's steps became that much slower. Tim slowed his own steps and cast a side long glance at Jared. Between the night before and the set he was obviously sore.

Tim shut the room door and his gut twisted at the nervous look on Jared's face. Closer to flat out fucking scared than expectant and uncertain. Goddamn. Jared was going to drive him insane. Jared had to know Tim wouldn't force a damn thing Jared wasn't up for or didn't want. That fucking...almost deer in the headlights.

He dropped his bags and backed Jared slowly against the wall, blue eyes widening with every step. He pinned Jared, chest to chest, his leg worked roughly, uncomfortably between Jared's thighs, a fist full of Jared's hair tangled less than gently. He attacked Jared's mouth more than kissed him. Jared's lips parted almost instantly with a startled sound. Tim ground his hard on against Jared's hip as he gentled the kiss and his body against Jared, wordlessly reassuring this was want not anger. Jared's near-whimper as Tim ended the kiss went straight through him.

“You are going to drive me insane, Jared,” Tim rasped in Jared's ear. “What's got you so spooked? If it's bad enough you're not keeping it hidden completely, you're fuckin' terrified. No, not tonight, or just want held and gotten off, just want to watch tv and crash—you're not going to get in trouble. You better fucking realize that, Jay.”

A tremor shook through Jared, “I know.”

“You need it to be a rule?” Tim asked softly. “No, not tonight is always an option—always. Calling a halt in the middle of anything if you need to is always an option. And you'll always have a clear out. Like last night. Could have stopped it all with a single word, could have grabbed my hands—you would have had permission to speak, tell me what you needed and we'd've gone from there.”

“I--”

“Rule Three. No. Is. Always. An. Option.” Tim said firmly. “Rule Four—calling halt in the middle of something, just time out or completely calling it off is an option for everything but punishment.”

Jared kind of melted into him. Tim really wanted to punch the fucking wall. He kind of wanted to fucking throttle Jared as well, the habit of taking anything to get what he needed with it was...Yeah, pure stubborn Jared using his stubbornness against himself. The 'take anything' came from safer places, Tim got that. Pros weren't going to damage their own reputation and livelihood with any bullshit but goddamn...

“What's got you so friggin' spooked, Jared?”

“Tablet.” Jared mumbled.

Tim's dick twitched in his jeans at the thought of that tablet. He was so not budging on the fact he was seeing that tablet yet tonight. He couldn't. His imagination running wild and going straight to his dick was unnerving the rational part of his mind a hell of a lot. Not to mention he couldn't stand the thought of accidentally screwing Jared up somehow by being completely clueless. Jared would be fucked up a lot more by the wrong direction taken than pushing too far on something physically.

“I need to know,” Tim wasn't budging on that. Oh. Hell. No. “You wrote it down and I'm going to read it.” And probably spend a fuckload of time with google again. He was certain of that. This was already way beyond the light spanking his one ex-girlfriend had liked or the experimental fooling around with a blindfold or hands tied to the headboard with a scarf he'd played at a few times with women he'd dated.

“Yeah,” Jared mumbled.

“So what's got you so spooked, baby?” Okay, could he cut out his tongue now please? He just called Jared baby. Goddamn.

He wanted to shake Jared and demand that fucking tablet right fuckin' now, before he totally fucked up somehow. He didn't know what the hell to do with Jared. He knew what he wanted to do—sorta. He wanted to watch Jared fly apart under his hands. That was really really kind of fucking completely addictive. The how to get there was sketchy beyond generalities, and he was completely at a loss as to what Jared wanted, let alone needed.

He'd been accused of being too pushy, too controlling, too fussy, too hovery, too demanding, too overprotective and conversely too much of a pushover—hell there wasn't a whole lot some of his ex-girlfriends had accused him of. And not a one of them had really done much but splutter he just was when he'd wanted to know exactly what the fuck he'd done to piss them off.

The too overprotective he could see. He was protective of people he cared about, even the hovery. He tried not to, but sometimes he did get overprotective which was half the hovery he got accused of. The other half of the hovery seemed to be he just fucking like touching and somehow a hand on the small of a back or standing too close with the occasional odd touch of arm or shoulder or something was wrong more than not. Too there one had told him, not asshole about it, but just too much right there which had always stuck in his head for the simple fact it made no fucking sense whatsoever.

Jared managed to punch every button Tim had for the 'hovery-protective-fussy' that always seemed to get his ass in hot water with someone. Jared kinda completely kicked that into high gear when he'd glared and demanded rules for making out, which with hindsight, yeah...damn. Even if Jared had sent him reeling the last hotel night, the more he'd actually thought about it, the more he saw the signs, but to be fair, he'd never had a reason to even think in that direction before.

He had Jared's attention, enough he was sure Jared wasn't going to try to redirect or avoid Tim's question. His hand slid up Jared's side and slowly back down as he nuzzled at Jared's neck.

“What's got you so worked up?” Tim asked, closer to demanded, in a whisper with a kiss just under Jared's ear.

Jared shuddered and shook his head.

Tim stifled a groan. He figured this wasn't worth pushing. He was seeing the list one way or another, Jared was willing to let him. Call that good enough for now. Get Jared too worked up over whatever was in his head he was more likely to have a full fledged Jared-Rampage on his hands rather than anything at all pleasant. And it probably would make more sense somehow once he did see the damn tablet. Maybe.

“Get some sweats or pajama pants and the tablet. You need a good soak in a hot bath and something to put on after,” Tim murmured.

Jared nodded.

He almost asked if Jared wanted company, but he was pretty sure his initial gaping at Jared's lists was better off not witnessed. He nuzzled at Jared's cheek, claimed Jared's mouth for another slow deep kiss, forcing himself to end the kiss when Jared made a quiet hungry little noise and rocked his hips against Tim's.

“I'm gonna look at some of the tablet. You're going to soak a while and try to relax, okay? You can touch yourself, can come if you need that to relax.” he kissed Jared again. He wondered if he could get away with asking to watch Jared bring himself off sometime. The thought was hotter than it had any right to be. The kiss melted into another, deep, hungry, he groaned at Jared's writhe and needy little sound, hands working up the back of his shirt. He broke the kiss and forced himself a couple inches back, gently moved Jared's hands away from him.

“Not so much as a kiss more, not until you give me that tablet. Not gonna hurt you somehow by accident, baby,” Tim whispered. He was too fucking unnerved by the shit that had been popping through his head, what Jared made him want and just how much he wanted it. He. Was. Not. Gonna. Fuck. Up. Jared.

He slid his hand up Jared's arm. “Not going to use anything against you, Jay. I have to have this though. Have to know somehow.”

Jared nodded reluctantly. Tim stepped back away and waited. Jared's hesitance in every movement as he bent to his own bags on the floor and fished out a pair of flannel pajama pants. And the damn Bratz tablet that was going to drive them both nuts it seemed like.

He leaned in and kissed Jared when the tablet was in his hands. “Not doin' this to be cruel.” He felt compelled to say. Jared looked so damned wrecked at handing over the tablet.

“I know,”

It didn't quite sound like it but Tim sure as hell hoped so. He really did. “I know you're sore. Go soak a while and try not to wind yourself up.” Relax seemed pretty fucking ridiculous. He wished Jared would, but it didn't seem worth saying.

*

Tim studied the color code page

In his own writing

need. Non negotiable in black
oh hell fucking no in red
really like want in darkest blue
is okay don't mind in medium blue
never tried but yeah at least once in lightest blue
never tried, don't even fucking think about it, no fucking way in magenta
can tolerate don't like much in bronze

Jared's writing filled the rest of the page

want usually liked in the darkest purple
reasons why shannon tomo and tim drive me nuts in silver

usually liked-dark turquoise
usually okay- lighter turqouise



The first page was solid red. Humiliation on the first line. Do not like called—was the second line followed but half a page of endless variants of slut, whore, boy, bitch. Tim saw red even as his heart kinda twisted.

Left alone in blindfold and restraints was on the last line.

“Jesus,” he shook his head and wondered just a little evilly how traumatized the domme dumb enough to do that was by the time Jared got done having a rampage at her. No matter how desperate Jared had been for that kind of release, that wouldn't—not Jared. He might have broken from that, but more likely snapped from any where close to letting go straight into a rampage. Well, Tim supposed how far Jared had managed to let go before that stupidity would have been the deciding factor.

The single thing he saw in black flipping through the first few pages was pain.

fucked was the first thing in darkest blue. Darkest blue, dark purple, dark turquoise, medium blue and lighter turquoise got one hell of a work out with different types of paddles and crops and floggers, a few different types of whips., various restraints. Red cropped back up with handcuffs and metal shackles.

spanking—kinda like but usually not enough by itself or used as humiliation was in the lighter turquoise. Added on the same line and the line below crowded on the edge of the paper in darkest blue guitar pick again sometime. And it was almost a relief that belt was in dark turquoise. Belt was at least, not so fucking terrifying a thought even if it would do as much damage or more than some of the rest.

His jeans were beyond miserable he was so hard. His hand trembled a little as he flipped back and forth through the first few pages to make sure he hadn't missed anything. His breathing a little fast and unsteady.

Jared really really liking pain was obvious from the pages, and not really a surprise. Not with how he'd just kind of shattered with the pick the night before. Not with saying he needed a couple days to hole up and recover from a trip to a pro he'd schedule an appointment with. Being as turned on as he was by the thought of Jared's liking for pain was kind of freaking him the fucking hell out. How hot the idea of...

Yeah, he was really kinda scaring the fuck out of himself, because intentionally inflicting pain was not...never occurred to him. Not really, not to this extent, not like this...it shouldn't be so fucking hot. Jared's reactions the night before, how he kind of just...fell apart and shook, the way his fingers left bruises in Tim's hips, the way his cock had twitched with nearly every scratch of the pick. Once, once he was sure of Jared's reactions, that it was...good not just tolerated, it was almost a fucking high, how Jared had come undone.

There were pages more. Jared had...Jesus, done exactly what he was told with the usual obsession for minutae. Tim was trying to get his head around the first few pages, the images they put in his mind, and just how much he wanted...


Tim looked up at the sound of the bathroom door opening. How long had he sat there staring like an idiot at the pages and his head going in circles? Jared stood there, skin flushed from the heat of bathwater, hair still wet and completely wound up in a stony, still defiance.

“Fuck...baby, come here, please,” Tim managed, his voice a little rough and shaky even to his own ears. He pulled Jared into his lap where he sat on the end of the bed when Jared was within arms reach. He traced a shaky finger over one of the few remaining reddened lines on Jared's chest, not deep enough to have scabbed but enough skin scraped away to have a red line, darkened by the heat of the bathwater remaining, one of the harshest scrapes from the night before.

Jared went deathly still in his lap.

“Not done with that—not gotten that far,” Tim managed. Damn. His hand slid up coming to rest on Jared's cheek. “Really...only looked at the first three or four pages.”

If possible Jared became even more still.

“I won't do this if it's going to fuck you up...just something tolerated. I can't do that. Not that it's just tolerated to get something what you need.” Tim swallowed. “I don't—fuck, I've got to...touch. I—can't just...start, flip a switch on and...”

Goddamn if Jared got any more still he was going to break something. Tim dipped his head and kissed Jared's shoulder.

“Can you stand to be patient? Gonna frustrate the fuck out of you with some of that until I'm sure how far something can be taken...but can—I can't, I really can't do this without—without this. Without holding you, without touching and making sure you're okay. I--”

He had no fucking clue what he was saying, if he was getting it out right. “Fuck it can you stand gentle along with pain? I can't just—I can—fucking scary how much I want to—can what you've got there—if I know what I'm doing that I'm not going to actually injure you. So fuckin' gorgeous when you fly apart, Jay. But is...is it going to fuck you up...not—not just pushed and pain...” he groaned in frustration not sure he was making a bit of sense.

“Like...last night.” he swallowed and kissed Jared's jaw. “That I can't quite...just start...and hold you after...I...can't do this...distant and impersonal if that's what you need—that I can't do.”

“You're not saying no?” Jared's voice barely audible.

“God no. I can, fucking freaking out how much I want to—I just can't flip a switch and keep it distant and flip the switch right back off when you want this, need this. That...when you ask...I can't be...cold and all business or whatever.”

“You're not...”

Tim managed to shift enough to push Jared back on the bed, legs bent at the knee dangling over the end of the bed. He shifted half over Jared, “Not saying no, I'm just trying to figure out how the hell to make it work for both of us without fucking you up.”

Jared shuddered once, relaxing a little. “You left this morning.”

Tim shook his head at accusation. “I woke you, or tried to. Stayed as long as I could, before Shannon and Tomo were likely to get up. Shannon yeah, whatever but I didn't want to upset you or have Tomo picking at you all day if you weren't up for it,” and Tomo probably would have, at least in the 'wait a minute since when are you two fucking and why didn't you say something' way. He narrowed his eyes slightly at Jared. “Asking'll get you more than trying to pick a fight.”

The struggle Jared had not to glare was almost tangible.

Tim smiled as it sunk in that was his answer. Jared turning his wound up into trying to push...Tim wasn't sure he'd figure out the exact logic of that but he had the advantage of at least knowing how Jared tended to work in general. Jared's fight not to glare became that much more obvious at Tim's smile. “You really hate the A word, don't you?”

The glare slipped loose for half a second before Jared closed his eyes.

Tim leaned his head down and brushed his lips over Jared's. “Ask, yours if you ask,” he husked and kissed Jared softly.

“Fuck me?” the words a hesitant question, barely a thread of sound, nearly lost in the pounding of Tim's heart in his ears.

Tim kissed Jared softly. “Yeah,” he whispered. He kissed Jared again, slowly deepening the kiss, Jared's hand hesitantly slid over his arm to rest uncertainly on Tim's shoulder. “Can you stand gentle tonight, baby?” Tim managed, nuzzling at Jared's neck.

“Yeah—please...”

Tim claimed Jared's mouth again. Slow hungry kiss that left them both panting, his hand slid over Jared's chest, the tremble that went through Jared sparked through him, leaving a worried twist of cold in his stomach. He rubbed his cheek against Jared's. Stubble scratching against Jared's freshly shaved skin, he rolled to his back and caught Jared's hand that had been on his shoulder as it hesitated in the air a second. He flattened Jared's hand on his chest, dragged it downward over his stomach to rest over his crotch, hard as hell inside his jeans he arched up against Jared's hand, pressing his hand down a little.

“You and your tolerate anything to get what you need, better not be tolerating I'm a man.” He groaned softly and pressed Jared's hand down a little more, grinding up against it. “Fuckin' beat you and you won't enjoy it if that's the case. I won't fuck a friend up like that.”

“Not just tolerating,” Jared whispered back, moving his hand just a little over Tim through his jeans.

Tim groaned and rocked his hips up again. “Fuck,” he hissed and grabbed Jared's hand again, dragging it to his lips and kissing the palm. “Scoot up on the bed.” he murmured and forced himself up, heading for his bag, the lube and condoms tucked away in there were deposited on the nightstand.

Blue eyes were absolutely fixated on him as he tugged off his shirts, managing to tug his feet out of his socks by standing on the toe of first one then the other. His jeans and shorts shoved down in one movement, he was beyond relieved he didn't stumble or make an idiot of himself trying to step out of the pantlegs, one twisted and bunched around his ankle that it was a near thing.

He settled onto the bed half over Jared.

“You don't have to keep your hands back,” Tim whispered as he leaned in and kissed Jared again. Hands settled light and uncertain on his shoulders. “Don't have to be quiet,” words breathed softly against Jared's lips punctuated by a kiss.

“Just let go and feel. So fuckin' gorgeous when you fly apart. I've got you, keep you safe, baby, I just need gentle this time if you can stand it.” Tim kissed along Jared's jaw.

Jared's wary and uncertain melted away into ragged breathing and drawn out gaspy sounds that were nearly moans as Tim slowly mapped every inch of skin. He traced the few remaining red lines from the guitar pick the night before first with fingertips then his tongue. Fingers twisted into his hair, skidded roughly over his back and shoulder, part caress part clinging desperation as Jared fell away and unravelled under his touch.

Pajama pants worked down and off, skin and muscle quivered under touch. The whining sound Jared made and the way he writhed as Tim licked up one of the reddened lines on his inner thigh went straight to his dick.

“No, no, please too close,” Jared gasped out, desperate, near fearful as Tim's tongue traced the length of Jared's cock.

That burned straight through Tim. God. Jared was going to kill him. One way or another. Tim was convinced of that. He shifted scooting up the bed to lay beside Jared.

“Shh, shh,” Tim managed, his breathing nearly as ragged Jared's. He brushed his lips across Jared's. “Shh, another time—wanna be in you when you come tonight.” Just the thought of that made his cock throb. Jared had been so tight and hot around his fingers the last hotel night, the way he'd clenched around his fingers when he'd came. Just the thought of how Jared had felt around his fingers was enough to make him nearly groan.

He kissed Jared softly, hand brushing over Jared's cheek and hair. Kiss after kiss, as much to keep himself from saying something entirely stupid as to return the tremors running through Jared now and then to being pleasure than fear of punishment.

He finally reached for the lube before he lost his mind, or at the very least lost all thought of what he was doing, supposed to be doing, and got them both off without fucking.

Tim bit his lip hard enough to taste blood at the tight heat around his fingers, the sounds Jared made, just watching him, so far gone Tim was pretty sure Jared wasn't aware of anything but his touch. Jared's gaspy sounds turned into a litany of “please” and then shuddering gasping a near sob, and his whole body shaking as Tim whispered “Not yet.”

“Fuck,” he gasped at the sight of Jared, hands caught behind the backs of his knees, knees drawn up and spread. “Kill me yet, baby,” he mumbled as he fumbled with the condom packet.

His eyes nearly rolled back in his head and he fought to hang onto some shred of control when he was finally sheathed in Jared. He wasn't going to last long, but Jared was too far too the edge and shattered to complain, or stand him lasting that long maybe.

“So good, baby,” slipped out before he bit his lip again. The way Jared moved under him, clenched around him was nearly too much to stand.

“Please,” Jared managed to actually form the word, sound somewhere between a whine and a sob between gasps for breath.

“Yeah,” Tim managed. Not quite sure how he managed to brace his weight without falling on top of Jared and managed to wrap his hand around Jared's cock. Jared arched and whined out a moan coming with barely more than a single clumsy stroke.


Tim's eyes rolled back in his head as Jared's body clenched around him, taking him over the edge with Jared hard enough to see stars.