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FIC: What the Ohio Board of Tourism Will Never Tell You-- pt 6
full header & chapter one || chapter two || chapter three || chapter four || chapter five




Chapter Six—Two Unknown Witches, One Nervous Breakdown, and Numerous Lunatics to Go



The first day of the Cleveland Rocks Storm Benefit Concert is being declared a success by fans and the Cleveland PD alike with only three concert-related arrests, all from the same disturbance amongst the protesters, made during the first night.

The collapse of My Chemical Romance's frontman Gerard Way was a slightly sour cap to the evening for fans but according to sources Way was treated and released within an hour of arrival at General Hospital's ER. No official statement has been released by My Chemical Romance's management yet.


~


“Right, so I think you can safely say that they were the spell target not Xanpet,” Spike snorted and settled down on the couch next to Xander.

“How do you figure that?” Brian frowned.

“You're missing one. That one's in the wrong body, the little one just went off thinking he was bloody Batman,” Spike snorted. “This lot are as normal as they ever are. Has to be yours that were the target.”

“Can I have some paper?” Mikey asked sidling up to Andrew. Andrew absently waved to a package of looseleaf paper on the edge of the table he was sitting at.

Andrew grumbled and stuck several sheets of paper he'd been making notes on up hovering in the air.

“Get a corkboard and easel, Andrew!” Xander snapped. “We're not dealing with you going Darth Rosenburg.”

“I'm trying to compare--” Andrew whined.

“ANDREW!”

The papers fluttered to the table.

“Ray! Jesus. What the hell is with you? I know how to play guitar,” Matt said loudly enough to gain attention.

“But—but--” Ray spluttered.

Mikey settled next to Gerard with a book to use as a makeshift writing surface, a few sheets of paper and pen.

“Mikey, what are you doing?” Gerard frowned.

Mikey shushed him and started scribbling notes and little, really bad, boxy outlines of something.

“Mikey?” Gerard tilted his head. “Is that a space heater?” Mikey had just labeled a curly-q inside the lopsided vaguely square thing 'heating coil'.

“Yes, now leave me the fuck alone, Gee,” Mikey grumbled eyes not leaving the papers he was scribbling manically on.

Gerard looked over to Ray who was about to maybe get decked by Matt. “Ray, teach Worm guitar.”

Ray's face lit up and he grinned broadly, stupidly, at Worm. “C'mon, I'll have you playing Iron Maiden in no time.”

Worm gave Gerard a look that was even more murderous than the look Brian had given them the time they'd ended up drunk and playing tag in Wal-Mart at three AM on Warped way back. Bert had almost gotten arrested for planting a slobbery kiss on the cheek the old lady who was the night manager. Frank and Jepha had dared him. Brian kinda came close to killing them all.

Ray was almost bouncing in place.

“Dude, the guitars are loaded on the busses,” Matt pointed out.

Ray looked like he might cry.

“He can use Leilani's,” Xander said softly. “Go through there it's in a case on the wall.”

“Will Leilani mind?” Ray looked worried.

“No. She won't.”

“Are you sure? Can I ask her?” Ray frowned. He didn't like anyone messing with his equipment without permission.

“Leilani died in March,” Xander shook his head.

“Oh,” Ray said in a small voice.

“Slipped on a patch of ice and the vamp she was fighting got the better of her. Occupational hazard,” Xander shook his head. “She'd love it someone who knew what they were doing actually played her baby.”

Andrew and the three girls loitering in the room all agreed as well. Two of the girls asked if they could sit in on Worm's lesson. Ray was soon soundly distracted at having an actual class of three students and the girls bounced off to get the guitar with Ray and a disgruntled Worm in tow.

Gerard looked back over to Mikey, who had started to mutter under his breath as he frantically sketched. Mikey was about as good an artist as the average five year old. The only way to tell a five year old hadn't drawn the sketches on Mikey's paper was the fact five year olds generally used crayon more than ink pen. That and the writing, no matter how sloppy, wasn't a little kid's.

“Mikey?” Gerard leaned closer.

Mikey swatted him.

“Mikey?”

“Fuck off, Gee, I'm busy,” Mikey mumbled and chewed on his lip a moment. “Anyone know where I can get my hands on some space heaters?”

“The fuck, Mikey?” Brian yelped.

Frank thinking he was Batman. Space heaters—well, Gerard would bet anything waterproof space heater designs no matter how feasible or not so feasible. Gerard swallowed. No. No fucking way it couldn't be possible. It couldn't. Shit like that didn't happen. This was real life not a comic book! Even if he was accused with some regularity of not quite knowing the difference some days he did. He did. And. Shit. Like. This. Just. Didn't. Happen.

You're in Xander's body. Faith's voice spoke in his head. Ow this little shit bites!

Gerard choked. He looked at Brian. “I think I know where Bob might be.”

“Where?” Brian demanded.

“Ninja School in Jamaica.”


~


Xander winced as Brian went off on a shouted tirade at how Gerard had lost his mind. That really wasn't helping his headache any.

Andrew latched onto the idea though and was bouncing.

Brian looked almost scared of Andrew for a few minutes. Especially after Hailey went running full tilt out of the library's reading room and returned breathless a few minutes later with her copy of the Cleveland Rock's concert special edition and the interview where Mikey had said he wanted to invent waterproof space heaters, Ray teach music, Frank wanted to be batman and Bob had mentioned Ninja School in Jamaica.

The screaming match over whether the magaine was Hailey's or Erika's erupted. Katie came stomping down with phone in hand demanding someone explain to her parents why she was being treated so unfairly and still on restriction and extra duties.

“Gee I don't know, because you almost ended the freaking world!” Faith snapped as she entered the library's reading room.

“Faith,” Xander groaned.

“I did not that was the witches--” Katie protested.

“THAT WAS A BUNCH OF BABIES!!!! BABIES!!” Amber, the oldest of Cleveland's resident Slayers after Faith, shouted. “BABIES YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING NOT HAVING PHONE SEX WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND!”

“Oh god no mom No! I wasn't!” Katie yelped into the phone.

“Babies almost ended the world?” Gerard asked.

Xander pointed at Katie and gave Amber a pleading look. Amber shoved her out of the library reading room. The girl frantically trying to convince her mother she'd done no such thing.

“That was evil, Slayer,” Spike grinned wickedly. “I'm impressed. Thought Faith an' that un over there were all reformed and good now and teachin you lot to be pure little white hats. Stupid little bint was the one not watching the kiddies?”

“Babies almost ended the world?” Gerard repeated.

Xander tuned out the recounting of the Little Apocalypse That Could. Brian seemed to take particular exception to the name of the Apocalypse before they even got to Cabbage Patch dolls, possessed Lambchop sock puppets and the baby Weather ArchDemon that leveled part of Cleveland with the tornado spawning storm back in March while having a fit he wanted his mommy. Poor bastard's brain was really breaking over all of this and he was getting downright loud over it too. That wasn't helping Xander's headache any.

“How else do you expect to keep track of Apocalypses and a frame of reference for spells and weapons and who fought in it or was lost in it if you don't name them?” Andrew wanted to know.

“Which Apocalypses have you been involved in?” Gerard looked at Xander.

Xander groaned and took a sip of his coffee. Or tried to, he frowned at the empty cup. “More?” he held it out. Cammi thankfully had mercy on him and took it to refill it. “First was the Harvest. That was, could have gotten to apocalyptic because the profecies if the Master had won were definitely apocalyptic. Vampires ruling the world and all that. That was one of the odd ones from high school. That was in the fall.”

“HIGH SCHOOL!” Brian bellowed.

“Yeah, just turned sixteen then.” Xander nodded. “The Judge and Acathla were both while I was still in high school. Graduation would have been the next.”

“Graduation?”

“Mayor Ascended into a giant snake demon and tried to eat the class of 99 and everyone there to watch them graduate. I got to blow up my high school. The rest of it sucked but blowing up the school was fun in retrospect. Didn't have time to enjoy it at the time.”

Brian, Matt and Gerard gaped. Xander grinned at Cammi and took the refilled coffee cup. “Thanks, Cam...Uhm..Next would be Adam. Cyborg demon the military made. Then a Hellgoddess named Glorificus. After Glory...Kingsman Bluff, then The First Evil made a get out of hell bid.”

“that's eight,” Matt stared.

Xander raised an eyebrow. “I'm just getting started.”

“Ya know what? I don't wanna fucking know,” Brian snapped.

“I do,” Gerard demanded.

“That I've personally been involved in since the First?” Xander yawned. “The Devourer, the Diamond Mine, the Congo Ascension, Cult of Smitty. Uhm...The Migration. The Trinity, the Sect of Amun, Belchie”

“Belchie!” Brian yelped.

“Bellachai the Banished.” Xander yawned. “She was almost as much a bitch as Glory.”

“Just stop. Ballpark number.”

“Ballpark that I've personally been involved in? Twenty five to thirty a few of them were smaller apocalypses which would have been more like—footholds to an apocalypse. The kind that start small with a continent before the whole world is over run within twenty or thirty years.” Xander answered. He didn't figure Brian was going to deal with the fact with the upset of the status quo with the First and all the potentials that had been activated that they were still trying to get things evened out and the old rule of thumb of one major apocalypse and one or two near misses a year had turned into two or three major apocalypses and a dozen near misses a year. They were on a downswing though. And they had the way to eventually return things to normal. As soon as Willow and Buffy stopped being stubborn insisting there was another way. Seven Slayers. All others with Slayer powers stripped of them, and the spell to reactivate the birth of Potentials being done. Thing was—Buffy had to be one stripped of her Slayer abilities since she was the one really screwing things up in the big scheme of things. She'd been fine with that until Willow and Giles pointed out that everything that had a grudge against her would be waiting and come at her and she'd basically have to spend the rest of her life tucked away on council property behind wards and slayers. There was also the possibility stripping the activated Slayers of their Slayer powers would kill them. Andrew had a few ideas how to get around all that, most of them made sense. Some of them made a lot of sense and two of them Xander just knew would work. Willow was hearing none of it. She was the only one powerful enough to do the spells and she wasn't even going to hear them out. He loved them but sometimes he really would love to take a baseball bat to their heads. Willow was determined to fix it all herself. Buffy....Buffy just hadn't been right since she came back. Xander kind of thought the dying if she was stripped of her slayer powers wouldn't bother Buffy a bit, if she was sure Dawn would be okay and Willow wouldn't bring her back again.

“Space heaters? I really need some space heaters, or parts to some or--” Mikey broke in looking up from whatever he was scribbling.

“Nope. You have to have complete schematics for six different designs and computerized mock ups as well as a complete list of possible malfunctions, ways of death, and proposed protocols for injury, maiming, electrocution, possession, demonic attack during testing and magical attack during testing. For starters.” Xander shook his head. “Andrew rules apply to anyone trying to invent shit around here.”

Mikey pouted but didn't argue despite the muttered, “That sucks.”

“I know. Xander's mean. Make one freeze ray gun--”

“One freeze ray gun, three lifelike robots. And gods only knows what else. No way in hells. Those are the rules.” Xander snapped at Andrew.

“I need more paper,” Mikey sighed.

“I only helped fix the original schematics. The sexbot wasn't mine!” Andrew protested.

“Sexbot,” Brian murmured dazedly. “We're in a fucking comic book.”

“Xander! It's Giles. One of the TweedTwits came up with a couple prophecies over night.”

Xander groaned and took a phone that came from hells knew where from Amber. “Prophecies? Gman, I'm getting prophecies now. Yes, it really is me Giles. Didn't Andrew tell you I got body-swapped.” Xander listened to the rundown of the two prophecies with a familiar sinking feeling in his gut. Three prophecies if they counted the one Willow was upset about about, evil all powerful witches that had to be taken out. “Giles, you sure she's reading it right?” Xander murmured. “Uh huh if they're the wtiches that did this? No, not evil. Scared stupid kid. Not evil. No more evil than the Little Apocalypse that could. What I got hit with on Kingsman Bluff was Evil. Pain and Rage twisted into Hatred and consumed to the point all soul and conscience was gone. What hit last night wasn't...was...not. Desperate stupid kid, trying to get attention and wanting us to find them.” Xander clenched his teeth and closed his eyes as Giles ranted. “Yes I'm sure. Can they be faxed? Scanned and emailed...well get someone to use the infernal machine for you. The tweedy idiots running around there ought to be good for something. Andrews is 'A dot Wells at Council dot org.' Faith's is F dot Lehane at council dot org.” Xander stifled the sigh as Giles wrote those down. The tweed idiots really should have the addresses but they didn't particularly care for the Scooby way of things and would possibly intentionally screw things up and try to blame it on them in Cleveland. “X dot Harris at Council dot org. And D dot Summers at Council dot org. Okay we need em now if we're going to get anywhere here Giles. Uh huh. Okay.”

“What's the what?” Faith asked coming back into the reading room.

“Prophecies. Three of them. One about a pair of witches that has Willow spooking. The cat said witches of prophecy cause mischief...”

“Oh joy. Good witches, bad witches?”

“Worse—scared kid witches.”

Faith made a face.

“Batman settled?”

“Yeah, he's going on about Mr Wizard and Bossman being in league with Penguin and the Joker. He nearly had a hissy when I called him Bruce,” Faith snorted. “He's in the mojo proofed Were-pen. He's not going anywhere.”

“Were-Pen?” Brian gaped. Xander felt sorry for the guy. You could almost see the steam coming out of his ears and just waiting for “Kaboom” to appear in a bubble over his head when his brain went completely 'splodey or something. The explanation of cells meant for the local Werewolf pack to keep them safe and from munching local humans on the three nights of the moon didn't help the brain-ready-to-go-splodey factor much.

“Uh, hello?” Brian answered his phone and went pale as a sheet. “Jamia—uh--”

“Who?” Xander murmured at Gerard.

“Frank's wife,”

“Shit...she buy hypnosis gone amuck?” Xander asked softly.

Gerard blinked.

“Just—Jamia, let me call you back in five. Five minutes, I swear!” Brian ended the call. “WHAT?”

“Some how an argument about hypnosis working or not, Frank said he couldn't be and ended up hypnotized into thinking he's Batman? And you're working on un-hypnotizing him?” Xander asked.

“She'd buy that,” Matt muttered. “Fuck, I'd buy that if I wasn't standing right here.”

“So would I from you guys,” Brian groaned and ran his hand through his hair. “You're good at spin.”

Xander snorted. “We've been explaining away the wreckage of demon fighting and stopping apocalypses since high school. It's kinda necessary. Even with Sunnydale Syndrome.”

“What about Bob?” Matt wanted to know.

“Faith, call the Coven. We're going to need them,” Xander sighed. “We'll scry for him and see what we can do to get him back once we find him.”

“Sit, pet. Whelp and the rest will get your boys sorted,” Spike said and shuffled Brian to the couch once he was done explaining hypnotism gone awry to Jamia.

Xander eyed Spike and snorted, “Your Soul is showing, Bleachie.”

“Soul?” Matt questioned.

Spike went gameface. “I'm a vampire now aren't I? Vampires don't usually have souls.”

“I think we broke their manager,” Andrew stared at Brian.


chapter seven