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FIC: What the Ohio Board of Toursim Will Never Tell You--pt 5
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Chapter Five—Morning Doesn't Necessarily Make Things Better



Charlie is curious about procuring US programming for American Football 7:27 AM August 06 2009

The girls are all rather in a mood over Tom's new friend. 7:25 AM August 06 2009

On the plus side. Gwen is caught in limbo. 7: 24 AM August 06 2009

The Dimensional Rift seems to have become violently active overnight 7:23 AM August 06 2009

Irma is distressed. 7:22 AM August 06 2009

Lucinda is disappointed the weak-minded kittens didn't get eaten by the Snake Cult Leader. It is best he didn't turn into a basilisk though. 7:20 AM August 06 2009

Tom brought home a new friend. His name is Charlie. 7:03 AM August 06 2009


from the twitter account of EDCatz


Spike shook his head as he headed to the dormitories attached to the warded library under the Cleveland School. Faith had been the only one that noticed him and was nice enough to tell the Qua'quequa'haquahs that he didn't mean any harm to their Queen. Queen Xander would be upset if they dusted his off and on roommate, so they all needed to be good little Kumquats and not kill the blonde vamp with a soul. Kumquats. How the bloody hell did they get Kumquats from Qua'quequa'haquah? The whole lot of them were off their rockers.

“Why's the whelp chained?”

“The Hyena Spirit was restless last night,” the Qua'quequa'haquah answered.

Spike shook his head. “Lovely. No staking me. I'll see if she's settled down or not. She liked me the last time she got rattled up. Decided to shag me into proper submission.” he grinned. The after effects of a not-quite apocalypse level battle, a concussion and a good bit of whiskey. “And keep the Slayers back unless there's trouble because the one would want to take pictures.” he added. Well they all would, at least the older ones. Faith was the one that he was slightly worried about though. Whelp would get his knickers in a knot and she was the one who he wouldn't get the pictures away from.

Spike grinned. He owed the whelp for the magicked-up fake kittens that turned into hairballs two days later. Andrew had done a good job, no one had been able to tell. Spike managed to talk his way out of that. He hadn't known a thing about it, hadn't done the magic for it. The whole poker club had been taken down though including three shark demons that were each convinced the other two were trying to frame them and have them killed. He had to hand it to the whelp. He was beautifully devious. It was almost enough to make Spike hate him just a little because his plans never worked so well. Enough to make him want to turn the whelp even more.

Xander had figured out just what Angel had done with Parent-Teacher's night and at least the original obsession both he and Dru had had for the boy. A gift from Sire, from Angelus, well that was a rare thing to be savored and treasured. The last gift from Angel Spike and Dru had gotten was Angel had actually agreed with Darla and let Spike live, or 'unlive' as the Scoobies put it, to entertain Dru.

Xander chained to a bed was just too good a bit of fun to pass up. And after all he was making sure the Hyena was calmed down. If she wasn't, it was better she lunge at Spike rather than some innocent little slayer. Those were the good chains. Spike recognized them. Faith must be worried. He couldn't get in trouble if he was only helping out. And honestly it was just too much fun to pass up.

He climbed onto the bed carefully nuzzling at the whelp's chest with a wicked grin intent on making Xanpet scream like a little girl. He hated it when Spike did things like this.

Xan's scent was...off. That kind of nervous fear, Spike didn't remember ever having scented it on his boy—and oh buggerin' hell there they went again. The demon and soul arguing about ownership and how Angel being an arse a decade before did not equate Spike having any sort of claim on Xander. Sometimes the soul really was more trouble than it was worth.

“Wakey wakey, pet, your puppy back in her cage?” Spike asked and licked at Xander's neck.



~


Gerard screamed. Xander opened a bleary eye to see Spike stradling Gerard staring down at him as if trying to figure out what was wrong with who he obviously thought was Xander.

“Pet?”

“Over here, Spike, quit scaring Gerard. And when I get my body back you can help me kick Faith's butt for that."

Gerard stared up at the guy who was now stradling his hips and...

“What did you do now, whelp?”

“Got hit by an untrained powerhouse by the way it felt. We're talking Willow after the whole Darth Rosenburg bit. And move, you know I don't like you molesting my body no matter who is in it. This body really really doesn't like Mojo. I still feel hung over,” Xander mumbled. “And gimme a damn smoke before I find a stake. Maybe that'll help ease some of the headache back. Breathe, Gerard, Spike's only dangerous to sanity.”

Gerard took a shaky squeaky breath as Spike moved off him and over to the other bed in the small room.

Xander rolled his eyes and shuddered a bit at the strange feeling of two eyes moving. It was enough to nearly bring back the disoriented nausea. “Why are you in chains, Gerard?”

“Slayer said Hyena got wound up. But wouldn't she have gone with you?” Spike answered.

“The way Giles bound her?” Xander gave a half shrug and forced himself to sit up.

“Watcher buggered up right and left with you lot. How you didn't get yourself killed before you got out of school is beyond me,” Spike snorted. “Witch did this?”

“A witch. Not Willow. Unknown witch. Unknown whereabouts. Unknown reasons.”

“Right so you're buggered as usual,” Spike said with a frown and his nose twitched.

“What?” Xander asked snarkily. “You don't think I'm a nummy treat anymore?”

“Oh that body's biteable enough, pet. It smells wrong though.”

“BITEABLE!” Gerard yelped.

Spike leaned in and sniffed at Xander.

“What?”

“Dunno, whelp. You shouldn't be hurting like that still though.”

“It's me. Me and mojo are non-mixy. Hyena settled down?”

“You had a seizure last night! That's what had that—I--”

“Breathe, Gerard,” Xander said closing his eyes and trying to think. “Kids. Crazy preacher type bellowing over them. The boy tried to protect the girl and got belted a good one, lost his footing into a car and then concrete and the girl was standing over the boy trying to protect him. Brother and sister probably. Blonde. Teenagers or close enough. He's college age? She's high school?”

“Your witches?”

“Probably. Have to see what the cats said overnight I guess.”

“Thought you lot called them Kumquats.”

“Not the Kumquats. The cats belong to a Seer battier than Dru. Her cats tell her things instead of stars singing. The cats are more coherent than the stars but she's freaking loonier than Dru. Cigarette now. Before I find a stake. I feel like hell. I don't want to deal with nicotene withdrawal,” Xander's sleep and ache hazy mind caught up with what he had said and what had happened the night before and slugged Spike.

“Ow! What was that for?” Spike rubbed his arm.

“I had a vision, Spike.”

“Anything useful?”

Xander slugged him in the arm again. “SPIKE!”

“Wot? Been waiting on you to do that for years now.”

Xander glared at Spike. He'd been waiting on that to happen himself actually. He'd also come to the conclusion that his 'seeing' wasn't so much visions as probabilities and tactics. He'd had enough near-apocalypses that that he'd figured that one out, and in the last few years he'd gotten a lot better at pointing out what was going to work faster. He wasn't thinking about how the ones listening to him weren't Buffy, Willow and Giles.

“Think of a way to undo this?”

“Andrew was supposed to be scrying to find the witch, witches. The whys might help. Unchain him. She's settled back down.”

“Don't have a key now do I?”

“Lockpick in my wallet. They're not mojo'd. At least not against lockpicks.” Xander pointed out. “They're not the blessed ones either.”

Gerard squeaked as Spike copped a couple feels in the process of getting the wallet from his jeans pocket and picking the manacle locks to let him loose.

“Spike you know how long Kumquat Eggs take to hatch?”

“Eh, bout a year I think pet. Why?”

“One of the Kumquats was laying one last night.”

“Wow, got yourself a clan with a breeder even.”

“Oh, yay me. Eggs.” Xander shuddered.

“My Queen--” one of the Kumquats said worriedly from the door way.

“High school. Preying Mantis Demon wanted me to fertilize her eggs and then be their first meal when they hatched. I was in a cage in a basement with a bunch of demon eggs. I'm not a big fan of eggs. I don't even usually like Egg McMuffins. I'm not going to hurt the egg or let anyone hurt it or stop you guys from laying eggs or anything like that. I'd just rather not deal with them til they're hatched?”

The Kumquat nodded solemnly.

“If there's problems you tell me.”

The Kumquat nodded again.

“He'll accept the thing. Let him know when it's laid and he'll come and see it's fine, then you just keep it tucked up cozy til it hatches.”

The Kumquat looked relieved.

Xander stifled the groan and nodded agreement with Spike's better knowledge of demonic protocol. Eggs. He really hated eggs. But it wasn't the Kumquats faults.


~


“Mmm coffee,” Xander moaned as he slumped onto the couch in the library reading room or, whatever it was exactly. Gerard couldn't get over how weird it was to watch himself move around with someone else in his body.

“You know I'm going to make you pay later,” Xander glared at Faith.

“What was the vision, X?” Faith asked.

“Kids. Boy was older than the girl. Highschool age? He might be college, she definitely isn't,” Xander sighed. “They were getting—dunno if it was their dad or what. Old Man going off on the girl, the boy stepped in and got belted a couple times and knocked down, the girl stood protecting the boy. Old Man was holding a bible and it—could've been somewhere around the Q.”

“Past present future?” Andrew prodded.

“Then. Past now but I think it was right then.”

“Where's Bob?” Brian demanded as the rest of the band made their way into the room.

“He isn't already in here?” Matt yawned.

“If he was I wouldn't be asking,” Brian glared. Things were freaky enough. There were purple guys and superstrong girls and Gerard was in the wrong body. The purple guys and the girls had been downright bitchy about the room that Xander and Gerard had gotten put in and the purple guys insisted on standing guard. There'd been a couple girls on guard outside the room the rest of them had been stuck in. One had walked him down the hall and through the library to the room the kinda scary bouncy guy Andrew had four laptops, a few dozen scrolls—fucking scrolls--and roughly a hundred books spread out over every available surface.

“No one left that room but you,” one of the girls said.

“Bob was there when I got up,” Brian glared.

“What do you think you're doing, Mr. Wizard!? What have you done with Robin?” Frank snapped.

“GRAB HIM!” Faith shouted and pointed at Frank. No less than seven teenage girls took after Frank in a freeforall that looked like something between a game of tag and a three stooges marathon. Round and round in circles, over furniture, out the one door way and shouts and foot falls through the rows of bookshelves, back into the room where Frank was finally tackled by Faith after Xander stuck his foot out to trip Frank.

“Are you on drugs, Frank?” Brian demanded of the still-struggling Frank.

“You're not tricking me. You'll never have my true identity, Bossman. I want to know what you and Mr. Wizard have done to Robin!”

“What are you? Batman?” Xander snorted.

“Yes I'm Batman!”

“You're going in a werewolf holding pen, Batman,” Faith snorted and hefted Frank up over her shoulder.


chapter six