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FIC: What the Ohio Board of Tourism Will Never Tell You pt 4/8
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Chapter Four- Facts About Body Swapping That The Movies and Stories Always Get Wrong



Qua'quequa'haquah Demons—commonly known as Kumquat Demons, at least in Cleveland. Kumquats originally immigrated to this plane circa 1500 BCE according to Watchers information.

Kumquats are a 99.9% male race. There are ten known female Kumquats in the world in 2009. Female Kumquats bear live young. The male Kumquats lay eggs.


~from The Wells' Guide to Cleveland, Ohio's Demons
by Andrew Wells
1st Edition 2009
printed by Council Press




“Am I the only one noticing those guys are purple?” Matt spoke up warily.

“Purple,” Worm agreed.

“Totally purple,” Frank nodded. “I need a fucking cigarette. Well—no, I need more than that but I'll settle for a cigarette.”

“Me too,” Bob agreed.

“Uh huh,” Brian stared.

“Me four, fuck..” Gerard shuddered.

“Is that the jittery caffeine withdrawal homicidal feeling?”

“Nic-fit,” Frank said.

Xander groaned. “Okay fine. We'll go upstairs and outside. I'm going to lose it if this gets much worse. You please no smoking in my body.”

“Just one, please?” Gerard begged. “I really, really need something.”

“Beer?”

“I'm an alcoholic...” Gerard swallowed. “No drinking in my body.”

“Not a problem. One. Just one,” Xander sighed. “You get me hooked like this I'll kick your ass.”

“You're going to smoke?”

“I've been drunk with Spike before,” Xander snorted. “Dawn, don't. It's been a long and weird enough night.”

“Does switching them back involve some sort of ritual sex spell that has to be watched? I'll volunteer to be one of the witnesses,” one of the girls spoke up.

“DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, ANDREW!” Xander shouted. Gerard winced. He never thought his voice could get that shrill.

“Alexis might have a point,” Andrew decided.

“Not likely there was no nakedness involved in getting us switched, there will be no nakedness getting switched back, unless it's absolutely last resort everything else has failed. Then maybe we'll consider getting groiny. But no, this didn't feel like any sex spell and no. C'mon, Anya pouted for a month when both of me refused having a threesome with her when the Toth split me in two.”

“Why didn't you say—I never knew that!” Dawn complained.

“You would've been what? Twelve? Thirteen then? No,” Xander shot back.

Gerard was going to have to find something to torment Mikey with, cause yeah, he did kinda sound like a chipmunk with a head cold when he was wound up, even when it was someone else in his body being freaked out. The soft gasp had him looking around trying to figure out who had made it.

Xander frowned at Gerard's head tilt and looking around. He started combing the room with his eyes as well. “Oh don't tell me that stupid bitch brought someone ready to lay an egg on a freaking trans-continental hit,” he growled. Judging by the defensive tenseness of the majority of the Kumquats and the pained terror on the one's face that's exactly what she did.

“My Queen?”

“Yeah, I'm Xander. What do you need for him? There's a Bracchen Healer about twenty minutes away with further connections in the outlying neutrals communities.”


“A place of quiet is all that is needed,” the spokesman for the Kumquats said and continued with Qua'something was a healer and could tend Qua'something-even-less-pronounceable.

“Please, my Queen, let me keep this one. Please, I beg you.”

Xander scowled.

“Kumquat eggs are major magical ingredients,” Andrew said.

“Andrew, your ass is getting kicked again soon,” Xander glared.

“He helped me look up some spells Willow was babbling about,” Dawn defended.

“Shit,” Xander sighed and crossed to the Kumquat that was in the corner, a second Kumquat defensively in front of him. “Shh, s'okay. Baby isn't getting used in any damned spells or potions.”

“Slayers--”

“Slayers won't hurt your baby. They'll squeal and fuss and want to dress it up in cute little outfits and then have fits over who had to change the last dirty diaper but that's about it,” Xander said quietly.


~


Xander took the cigarette without question when they finally got outside after settling the Kumquat laying an egg and the healer watching over him. Score another one for the Zeppo. Eggs. He shuddered. Hopefully they didn't stay eggs long. Miss French had really cured him of wanting to be near anything that hatched from an egg.

This body really really didn't do mojo hangovers well.

“Something's wrong. You look like shit. You can't die,” Mikey glared.

Xander took a shaky drag off the cigarette,“Mojo hangover. Whoever did this was damned strong. Human body isn't meant to get flat out hit with that kind of power. Not the way this was done. This was...a Kingsman Bluff style blast not any skilled crafting....shit. Alexis. Run down. Tell Andrew we're looking for untrained and probably under twenty.”

“Can tell him--”

“NOW, ALEXIS!”

The slayer huffed and scuttled off. Xander gave a sigh of relief. At least the girls weren't arguing with him even though he wasn't exactly himself.

“Kingsman Bluff?”

“Mmm, Witch went off the deepend after her lover was shot by a human thug and died in her arms. Really really powerful witch. Absorbed a shitload of black magic and hellmouth energy and tried to end the world....I-- damn I gotta sit.” Xander mumbled and lowered himself to sit cross legged on the ground.

Gerard stared down at him. “I feel okay. I—like a caffeine buzz almost really like wired.”

Xander nodded tiredly. “It'll fade off by tomorrow afternoon.”

Mikey tilted his head at Xander, then at Gerard in Xander's body. “You're not human?”

“Supposedly my parents were a hundred percent homo sapiens. Not sure they actually had the souls and higher mental functions to really count as human but they were earth native homo sapiens. I was born and raised on La Boca Del Infierno. The mouth of hell. I've been doing the whole slaying demons stop the Apocalypse crap since I was just shy of sixteen. Sophomore year of high school. There's a cat in Cardiff that decided I'm part water demon. The only thing I can figure on that is when I went under cover on the swim team to check out the disappearances. Most of the swim team were turned into creatures from the black lagoon style water demons. Gotta love high school on the hellmouth.”

“Hellmouth?”

“Hellmouth. Mystical well of energy where dimensional barriers are thin that leads to hell and demonic dimensions. I've been hit with a lot of crap over the years. I either have one helluva tolerance built up, or some of the crap managed to make me less than fully human. I don't know but I usually just get buzzed from getting hit with mojo unless it's Willow. She gives me a massive migraine. Andrew's the one that's going to have to do the reversal I think. If this body gets hit by a Willow fix it all, you just might drop dead of a heart attack. And I think your brother's right. You need glasses.”

“You smoke too,” Frank accused.

“No I don't.”

“You do. Gerard doesn't smoke like that but you're—you smoke,” Mikey agreed.

“Only when I'm getting drunk with Spike after an apocalypse. Well the last time didn't count as an apocalypse. Dru showed up kidnapped him. Tortured him. Tried to de-soul him. Then Angel rescued him and he read Spike the riot act especially when Spike stopped him from dusting Dru and it was messy. Then again the most dysfunctional and bizarre family in vampiredom. Souls, singing stars, resurrections and undead pregnancies. What do you expect?”

“So it's not muscle memory?” Frank asked, pointedly ignoring the rest of the babble that was worthy of Gerard plotting for his comic.

“He's not hacking up a lung inhaling the cigarette in one drag, which he would be if I wasn't used to it at least a little,” Xander pointed out. “That I'm craving cigarettes is the physical part of the addiction he has.”

“So--”


“He could probably learn how to use weapons really easy in my body since my body's used to moving that way but if he went and grabbed my axe and tried killing something he'd probably cut off my foot or something. Wouldn't have to build up the muscles because they're already built up and used to moving and working that way. Balance would be easier to get the feel of but still you wouldn't be able to pick something up and jump in the fray or grab a grenade launcher and be able to use it. Still would take time to figure out. And the depth perception issues would bite you. No matter how good I am at carving, you wouldn't be even with my body. When Faith and Buffy switched bodies they did okay, but they were both trained fighters, trained by the same group. And about the same size. And you could tell right off by their movements and fighting styles who was who, and neither were as good in the other's body as they were in their own. Actually think Faith was better in Buffy's body than Buffy was in Faith's body but Faith's got more roll with it and take advantage of the situation. Buffy's kinda prone to a princess pout for a minute or two at least until you threaten hers, or she chips a nail or something and is pissed. At any rate, they are what they are and adjusted well enough with the same size and training but really about five minutes was all it took to figure out who was who. Neither one's that good an actress. Well, unless you're Riley and are totally stupid and sleep with someone else even if it's your girlfriend's body. He tried the I thought it was you how was I to know card. Which totally didn't work because Faith was not even bothering to try to act like Buff.”

“So you know people who this has happened to before?” Bob stared.

“She slept with the other girl's boyfriend?” Gerard frowned.

“Faith had issues back then,” Xander shook his head. “Riley having his head so far up his butt that he didn't figure it out was more disturbing.”

“You know people who this has happened to before?”

“Yeah. Faith'll be home by morning. Unless she ends up in the ER with one of the girls or in jail. Hopefully no one ends up in the morgue. Andrew really shoulda brought Katie and Erika back. Those two are gonna get someone killed if Faith doesn't kill them.”

“And who would care?” Tasha snorted.

Xander glared at the other Slayer that had followed them up to smoke along with half the Kumquats. “They're little girls. They're stupid little girls who need their butts kicked to hell and back but they're little girls.”

“They're snot nosed little idiots and it's a matter of time before they get someone killed. Hopefully only themselves.”

Xander crushed out the cigarette. “Can I have another?”

“Sure,” Frank said and handed him a second cigarette and a lighter.

“I wish--” Mikey began.

“NO!” Xander shouted. Tasha tackled Mikey and slapped her hand over his mouth before he could get any further.

“Don't ever ever ever ever say the W word. It's dangerous and evil. There's a class of demons that grant those and the catch is generally hell to pay and a fair amount of carnage and death toll besides. Don't ever ever say the W word. Hel don't even think it when you're near a hellmouth! Cleveland's active now that Sunnydale's closed for business.”

“Wish Granting Demons,” Brian stared.

“Vengeance Demons. I almost married one. Anyanka, Patron Saint of Scorned Women. She was a vengeance demon for a thousand years before she accidentally ended up human. Long story. Anya and Halfrek died a few apocalypses ago. The Sunnydale sucked into the hellmouth and it was called an earthquake and sinkhole. One of the reasons him and I can't leave the school grounds. D'Hoffryn and his whole court have bones to pick with me. I got the blame for Anya's redemption and Halfrek managed to get her redemption as well. And if Halfrek wouldn't have been hanging around us because she was Anya's best friend, then Halfrek wouldn't have gotten redemption so I'm to blame for both of those and D'Hoffryn kinda took it personally two of his most vicious vengeance demons didn't only go soft, but went and crossed to the good side, got redeemed so he didn't even have souls to torture after they were killed.”

“You almost married a demon?” Ray gaped.

“She was human. Ex-demon.”

“You knew it when you almost married her?” Frank asked.

“Yeah. Kinda hard to miss when she thought eviscerating and castrating cheating men was pillow talk when we first got together. She was obsessed with orgasms and money, not necessarily in that order.”

Xander shuddered. “Aw crap--” he hissed.

The old man was dressed in slacks and button down shirt and ranting insanely, he couldn't hear what the man was saying couldn't quite make out the words—any of them—with the full beard and mustache. The girl was trying to protect the boy. They looked enough alike to be brother and sister. The boy might be twenty but he kind of doubted that he was. The girl was younger. He'd bet anything she wasn't a day over sixteen if she was even that. The boy had a bloodied nose and looked sick. The girl had a long skirt –tea length, god he'd spent way too many years drowning in estrogen if he knew that—and a simple blouse. Something like what Willow might have worn to look more grown up or serious in high school. The girl was screaming. Mouth open wide SCREAMING. Crowd. Cars...signs. Cops. Cleveland police. The old man resisted at first, then slumped suddenly.

“Faith kids...” Xander murmured as the world went black.

~


“Vision. Shit.” the girl—Tasha was it?--hissed from behind Gerard.

“Fucking Seizure!” Gerard said aloud as he watched Xander.

Breathe, Gerard. Xander had a vision. Tash is on it. Breathe. The woman's voice said inside his head. How much freakier could all this get. He had someone in his head. And he was watching his body have a freaking seizure!

Gerard's eyes widened as something snarled and acted like it was trying to throw itself against a wall. He could almost feel it.

“Dude, you're growling,” Frank stared.

“No no. We're not dealing with the Hyena too.”

Pain exploded in the back of his head as Gerard crumpled to the ground and the world faded away.


~

“What the hell did you do that for!” Mikey shouted.

“Xander's been possessed a few times. Standing order he starts growling knock him out and tie him up until you know if he's him or Good Fang's broke out of her warding. Or what's left of Good Fang. The demonic part was gotten rid of but Xan keeps pieces of possessions.”

Tasha picked up Xander's body with Gerard in it causing them all to stare. The girl was shorter than Frank and looked like a good strong wind would blow her away. The guy Gerard was currently in was a little bit taller than Bob and just a bit shorter than Ray, so something like five-eleven, six foot and decently enough built. There was no way she should be able to carry him cradled in her arms like he weighed nothing more than a baby. The only difficulty was manuvering dangling limbs not that he seemed to be too heavy for her to carry. She yelled over her shoulder for one of the Kumquats to bring Queen Xander.

“The fuck?” Bob stared.

“Gerard's possessed by a HYENA!!” Mikey shouted and ran after Tasha.



chapter five