InsaneJournal

fic: Drunk Enough--mature, 30stm, letocstish ust
title: Drunk Enough
author: lisa roquin
rating: mature
fandom: 30 Seconds to Mars
pairing/characters: Shannon/(others) & Jared/(others)
disclaimer: lies, fiction, untrue. completely and totally made up. I know no one, know nothing of their personal lives. I make no claims of knowing much of anything.
summary: He was drunk enough for his mind to wander, he prayed he was never drunk enough to make his brother hate him.
warning: letocest-ish
author notes: for little5150d for the birthday goodies offer.
word count: 1100+



He took another drink from the bottle, letting it burn down his throat as he staggered into the house. He was just drunk enough to let his mind wander to places it should never go. To how thin and tired and wired Jared seemed lately.

To places like how soft Jared's hair was when he'd grabbed a fist full of it in his hand, gently, and pressed their foreheads together earlier. How blue Jared's eyes were. How close his lips had been, close enough to feel Jared's breath on his own. How he'd wanted so badly to kiss, to push Jared against the wall and kiss him stupid. Or kiss Jared until the shock wore off and Jared killed him, hated him.

He could hear the water running upstairs. Jared in the shower. He sat down on the couch in the living room and took another drink of his whiskey. Only two reasons Jared took a shower at one in the morning when they weren't on the road. He'd gone out and hooked up with someone for a quickie god knows where--they never brought anyone home anymore. He wasn't sure when that happened but they didn't. He was glad for that. He didn't want to see pretty curvy blondes draped over his Jared. Likely a blonde, natural or not, the mood Jared had been in earlier, yeah, blonde and quite possibly reminicent of Cameron in some way.

His hand slid down to the front of his jeans as he took another swig of his whiskey. He knew what Jared looked like, when he fucked, when he came. They'd had women in the same room, hell in the same bed even if he was so careful not to touch so much as Jared's arm at the time. Once, just once, they'd shared a woman between them. That memory fueled a lot of fantasies and plagued his dreams. That once was as close as he'd ever get to having what had plagued him since he was old enough to even start thinking of things like that.

He thought of the water of the shower sliding over Jared's skin.

"Fuck it," he hissed, another long drink from his bottle before he fumbled with his belt and the button fly of his jeans. He managed to shove them down his thighs. If Jared came downstairs and caught him, well it wouldn't be the first time Jared walked in on him jacking off, probably wouldn't be the last.

He'd tried.

He'd tried for years to ignore the stray thoughts about Jared, tried not to notice how Jared grew up, how he moved, how beautiful he was. That had been easier said than done for a long time. He'd found ways, concentrating on the things he could. On the things that were safe, acceptable. Jared's eyes, Jared's smile, ways to make Jared laugh.

He was drunk enough to let his mind wander to places he usually fought like hell to avoid. The time he'd walked in on Jared getting blown by Francisco in their hotel suite. Jared had been on the verge of passing out, drunk off his ass from the private after party of Alexander's release. His head thrown back on the armchair he was sitting in, pants around his ankles and Francisco between his knees. The only time he'd ever seen or knew of his brother doing anything with a man beyond a kiss and a tease joking around--and that usually Tomo to make Tomo squeal and curse and stop being a moody shit when he'd gotten in a fight with his girlfriend over the phone or something. Jared had passed out when he came, from the booze, but Shannon had to admit Francisco was damn good with his mouth.

The kid had almost panicked for a second when he noticed Shannon had come back to the room, but mostly Francisco had been half drunk himself, horny and revved up and his planned night's fun out cold. He didn't mind Francisco had been disappointed about Jared passing out, hadn't minded being the substitute. Not when Francisco's kisses held traces of Jared's taste. It wasn't like he hadn't been with men before usually men a bit taller than himself and blue eyed but Francisco was gorgeous and his kisses tasted like Jared.

His hand sped up as he stroked himself, hearing footsteps on the stairs. He closed his eyes and concentrated on the memory of those kisses. Of fucking Francisco hard on the short miserable couch with Jared just a few feet away passed out in the chair with his pants around his ankles.

"Shannon?" Jared's voice came quietly.

Shannon groaned and came over his hand and shirt. He took another drink of his whiskey he remembered was still in his other hand before he opened his eyes.

Shit.

Jared hadn't gone out. Even in the dim light from the lamp way over by the door left on by each of them when the other was out Shannon could see that. Jared looked like shit, eyes pained and skin pale, the corners of his mouth tight. It wasn't that he'd gone out and his, these days at least, near-compulsive need to get clean as soon as possible after someone had touched him. No it was the other reason Jared took showers at one in the morning when they were home. Migraine, hoping to soothe soem of the knots out of his neck and shoulders with hot water, letting the scent of the soap he liked hopefully soothe away a bit of the pain, at least blunt the edge of it slightly.

"Fuck, Jay," Shannon whispered and clumsily sat the near-empty bottle on the coffee table. He yanked his tshirt off and wiped himself up a bit. "C'mon. You take anything?"

"Yeah."

"C'mon," Shannon stood unstedily. "Bed."

"You're plastered."

"So? Can still give you a neckrub. C'mon, bed," Shannon slurred and steered his brother back upstairs to Jared's room. The soft little sounds Jared made as Shannon worked the knotted muscles of his brother's shoulders and neck filed away for the next time he was drunk and weak and let his mind wander.

"Stay," Jared mumbled, sleepy and sounding more than slightly stoned, whatever he'd taken kicking in.

"Okay," Shannon agreed, steeling himself. He might get drunk enough to let his mind wander now and then but he prayed that he was never drunk enough to make his brother hate him. He managed to get his shoes off and not land on his face then crawled into the bed and pulled Jared close. He kissed Jared's forehead as he tucked a strand of hair behind his brother's ear. "Sleep, Jay."