FIC: Just Frankie: Going in Circles 3/3
Going In Circles
mature/adult

full header & part 1 || part two



Frank managed not to groan as Gerard settled down on the couch next to him. The hum of the highway wasn't doing much to ease the unsettledness. Neither was thinking of how good Matt had felt against him when he'd heard that catch of breath coming from Matt's bunk. He'd waited, he knew what Matt sounded like asleep too and got up, got the hell away from where he didn't have to listen to Matt sleep.

"Are you going to kill Mikey?"

It had been two weeks, only three more and the tour was over. A whole five weeks downtime and then they were headed to California to record. Frank didn't know if he was looking forward to the five weeks off or not. At least the guys trip to the fucking moron zone had ended as quickly as it stopped after a couple days and things were back to normal.

"It's a fucking tempting thought." Frank sighed.

"Mikey didn't mean-"

"Gee, he kicked Matt hard enough he puked and ended up needing a fucking icepack for his balls." Frank glared. "He kicked that fucking hard, he meant it. He kicked Matt that fucking hard he meant it."

"Did he tell you why?" Gerard glared.

"The one with the rose on her neck Anda, Randa Manda whatever the fuck yeah." Frank shook his head.

"He told you?" Gerard was outraged and incredulous.

Frank groaned and thunked his head back against the back of the couch. "Make up your fucking mind, Gee." he grated out. "It's Matt for fuck's sake. Why wouldn't he tell me? Christ. Why would I get upset? It's MATT."

"So you think it was nothing? I mean-didn't mean anything because-Matt would -like Bob said walk on hot coals for you."

"I know he would." Frank said tiredly. "I'd do the same for him. It's not nothing. It's Matt. Matt's almost fucking easier to just lose it on than Jamia. It's Matt. And you guys have no fucking clue and were acting like he was some sort of ...I don't know what...like Matt was fucking worse than Bert or something."

Gerard flinched back a little. Frank closed his eyes with a sigh.

"That was low." Gerard said a long time later.

Frank didn't open his eyes. "Yeah. Sorry. Bert earned the rest of us pissed Matt didn't deserve you guys getting fucking weird on him or fucking Mikey." Frank wasn't surprised when Gerard settled next to him, shoulder to shoulder. The bottle shoved in Frank's hand was water, not booze. And this was probably the first time a round of Awkward Questions had been brought up on the bus when any of the others could get up and overhear. But it was just the guys-Ray, Mikey, Bob, Matt and Brian who'd left for a few days and was back again.

"Its just you don't-and Matt-"

Frank snorted. "So I'm blind stupid and just over all a fucking idiot not to have clued in Matt is mostly straight and gets laid at least once a week?"

"No," Gerard said in a really small voice.

"Yeah, and all the reasons I don't- well Matt probably knows them better than all of you. He's sat through fucking hours of my grandma showing off pictures from when I was a kid. He's the one that schleps to the store for me. Hell, he's got it down I don't even have to say shit. My grandpa-"

"Well next time your grandpa asks You fucking my grandkid, Sleezeball I'll be able to say yeah." Matt said softly from the doorway that led to the bunks.

Frank snorted and raised his head to look at Matt-and there was a line behind him. "Oh that should be interesting. You give my grandpa a heart attack I'll have to beat you."

"His grandpa-" Gerard spluttered.

"Add sixty years with enough arthritis to slow him down and a case of massive boredom to Frank on a quiet spoiling for something to do even just a bitchmatch-that's Frank's grandpa. He's pretty cool." Matt shook his head. "The old guy's just a riot."

"By the way he says hi. I talked to him this morning and he wanted to know how Sleezeball was doing."

Matt moved to sit on the other side of Frank. Mikey folded himself up next to Gerard. Ray and Bob slid into the booth seats at the little kitchenette table both looking toward the couch. Brian leaned against the wall next to where Bob sat.

Frank groaned and put his head back on the back of the couch and closed his eyes. "Oh yay, Group Twenty Questions." Frank muttered. He sighed a little and relaxed at the calloused hand that grabbed his and squeezed and held on. "Did you stage this?"

"Nope. But it's probably a good idea." Matt said softly.

Frank leaned toward Gerard a little more, resting his head on Gerard's shoulder when Gerard tensed up. He didn't let go of Matt's hand though. "Yeah, yeah..." Frank nodded.

"All I want to know is if and when I'm going to have to schedule appointments if you're going to do anything that needs that. For doctors and shit. I can do some legwork as to who the fuck is even decent as far as reputation. I haven't. I will, whenever. And it can sit for fucking ever too if you say fuck it after all." Brian offered with a shrug.

"Not yet, maybe though." Frank swallowed.

Brian nodded.

Frank groaned a good ten minutes later, he could feel the eyes even keeping his own closed, and he was probably breaking Matt's hand as tight as he was holding it. "Geeze guys, don't all talk at once."

"My boyfriend's scared of my dick." Mikey said blandly.

Gerard screeched "WHAT"

"He is. Kissing great. So much as a handjob he freaks." Mikey sighed.

"Mikey, you and Wentz and handjobs is way more than I ever wanted to know." Gerard grumbled.

MIkey rolled his eyes. "Yeah uh huh. I've seen way more than I ever wanted to of you and Bert and it so wasn't just a handjob."

"Uhm... Christa...was kinda talking about maybe coming and riding a few days if-it was okay. I kinda didn't give her an answer but, I mean can blame it on Gerard or something."

"Yeah, totally," Gerard agreed. "I mean-I don't mind. And It's kinda been no one comes on our bus anyway."

"I'm not sayin' no I-I can manage. Christ. I spent almost a year in a fucking van with you guys and you never knew the difference. I mean-Pete's-Pete's two busses away and fuck knows who ends up trailing behind him and I mean if it was us out and Pete came to ride along a few days that would be different-"

Mikey nodded. "That's everyone on the tour stay off our bus. Not company for a visit."

Frank was relieved Mikey wasn't taking exception to the difference, but there was a huge difference. It might not seem like there was, but there was.

"You sure, I mean..." Ray bit his lip.

Frank nodded. "She-she's been around for ever. Even put up with you and Mikey holing up and hiding from the world when Gee was cleaning up..yeah, and...I mean..she be okay if..."

Ray swallowed. "Yeah. She would, I-"

"She's cool, you're going to lose her if you're a dipshit. Tell her to come. We'll deal if- if-" Frank trailed off with a shrug. Christa and Ray had been together for how long now, since, almost since before the band. She hadn't planned on hooking up with a rock star in the least and really, didn't know what to make of it sometimes. But she was great, and in things for the long haul-like grandkids and retirement long haul by the look of things. Frank wasn't sure if he was willing to actively tell her or let Ray, but...if she found out. She found out, it wasn't like going to be the end of the world. These guys were practically his brothers and yeah. "I'll be fine for a few days."


~

Matt swallowed. The only thing that kept him from grabbing Frank and hauling him into his lap and holding him tight was the fact Frank would probably beat the hell out of him. For a little guy-Frank could fucking hit hard, he didn't hold back and he wasn't scared of taking a hit. Matt had been on the wrong end of Frank hitting the point he started swinging enough to be able to attest to that.

"So are you guys all done with your checkin' my crotch every ten minutes or so?" Frank asked eyes still closed and head on Gee's shoulder.

Matt managed not to wince as Frank's hand tightened even further where their fingers were laced together.

"My fault, Frankie," Matt swallowed. "Worm noticed you weren't climbing shit like usual and Brian hit me up on it when they decided you were moving different."

"Was-am-"

"No." Matt said firmly. "No. I mean maybe, just because it's not socks ... But not wrong or where anyone's going to notice. You know I woulda said.."

"They thought-" Frank lifted his head and looked at the others furiously. "What? You fucking thought Matt hurt me or something?"

"No." Ray said quickly. Too fucking quickly in Matt's opinion.

"Bullshit!"

"No, we didn't." Bob spoke up. "Gee kept saying it was impossible and no, just something was up. Whether you were getting sick or did something stupid and hurt yourself or maybe got in a fight with someone and got banged up but no.."

"So he didn't hurt me, just beat me up?"

"You swing back." Mikey said simply. "And he wasn't beat to shit so if you got in a fight we pretty well knew it wasn't Matt."

Matt snorted.

"You could have-" Ray began. And trailed off miserably.

"You could have fucking said you were looking at getting something...or .."

"Oh yeah. Hey guys...guess what?" Frank rolled his eyes and closed them again leaning his head back against the couch this time rather than Gerard. "I don't like-I don't like reminding you. I don't like it when you get fucking stupid like you have been."

"Have we ever gotten stupid before?" Gerard frowned.

"Not really all at once no." Frank snorted. "Matt's porn stupid, Ray's whatever the hell avoiding me stupid in Europe.."

Matt watched Ray flinch and squirm.

"You know telling us when we fuck up might be an idea, Iero." Brian snorted. "Ya know before there's bloodshed and tears."

"Ya think?" Matt snorted and pressed his leg a little closer to Frank's.

"This better with-that now." Bob asked visibly fighting a yawn.

"Yeah," Frank whispered. Matt pressed his leg more firmly against Frank's because Frank sounded....kinda terrified. Nervous-terrified. His you're-gonna-think-I'm-stupid tied up in knots voice. "Yeah," Frank continued a little louder. "Lot better. It's...not as scary, can breathe just a bit better as grabby as some get. Worm's good keeping them off me and they're mostly too drunk or hyper stupid and never get a good feel ‘cause Worm's good and you guys but..yeah. Crotch shots with camera phones and shit or if I got pulled in the pit -maybe, maybe even...hit the pool with you guys one of these hotels if if no one's around but us."

Matt was glad Frank had his eyes closed. Mikey kind of folded up into himself a bit and had an actual expression on his face-he was stunned. Ray and Gerard both looked horrified and sick. Horrified enough that if Matt didn't know them as well he would have been itching to just beat the hell out of both of them. They'd all been grabbed at, with various degrees of success. God knew every blown out pair of pants Gerard had worn on stage made it from one end of the net to the other. Ray had had plenty of pictures make the rounds of the boards and shit with squealing and pointing at his crotch. Frank had been pulled into mosh pits more than once, not so much anymore, with the bigger venues and better security. A few of those times had been fucking scary. The guys had all been crapping their pants that Frank would get hurt, Frank had been scared to death that somehow in the frenzy someone would actually notice, unlikely not in a frenzy of a pit like that, but Matt knew damn well that was Frank's only fear of even the most insane pit. Frank was fucking fearless with most things, with everything else.

"Good," Bob yawned. "Good. No. Fucking. Ice. Get that in your goddamned head, but yeah. Good this is better. Now I'm going to bed, okay?"

Frank laughed a little and smiled. "Yeah, night, Bob."

"Bob's got the right idea. Sleep, assholes." Brian murmured and headed back as well.

Ray, Mikey and Gerard said their goodnights. Mikey looked lost in his own world, thinking. Ray visibly worried and Gerard looked almost guilty. Matt was just glad Frank didn't open his eyes to see that.

"How stupid-how stupid did they think I am?" Frank murmured still not opening his eyes.

"They didn't think you were stupid. They thought they were stupid for not ever thinking of what you said." Matt whispered back. The guys were good about backing off when Frank had enough, just like they were good at backing off when Gerard had enough. Or anyone else.

Frank didn't say anything else, simply shifted enough until his head was on Matt's shoulder and didn't let go of Matt's hand. Matt kept holding just as tightly until they both fell asleep sitting on the couch.


~

"Are we like totally the worst fucking friends ever?" were the words that accompanied the water bottle suddenly appearing in front of Matt's nose.

Matt pushed the water bottle aside and finished taping down the cable. "No, you guys aren't."

Gerard looked down at him and made a scrunched up face that was almost enough to laugh at if he wasn't so seriously worried.

"Gimme ten, almost done okay?" Matt managed. "And don't drink that I want it damn it."

Gerard nodded and moved off to wait. Matt called out he was going for a bit, after all this particular stage wasn't even anything he was dealing with. The guys were playing on the big stage, he'd gotten grabbed to help with this when he'd finished with the set up on the big stage. Heat exhaustion, hangovers, whatever else-if Matt hadn't been pretty sure it was Monday, the way shit was going at least with the crews so far he'd be inclined to think it was anyway.

"Gates are going to be opening soon," Matt pointed out as he joined Gerard.

Gerard made a face and nodded toward the direction that the trucks and busses were parked and started walking Matt fell in step with him easily enough. "Christa's here. Pete grabbed Mikey a bit ago. Frank, Bob and Brian went to grab some breakfast.

Matt took a drink of the water. "Good. Ray won't be an idiot all day." he smiled. They all worried when their family were traveling, ridiculously so when they really, honestly, had lived on the road for years now. Christa was smart though. Both her and Jamia had learned not to give a time. Just a place and day they'd meet up with the guys on the road. Because if traffic or god forbid a flat tire or airport delay kept them from arriving at the venue the exact minute they said they would, the guys started going utterly batshit.

Matt yawned. It was fucking early, and it was already nearly ninety out. And even if no one knew what day it was, they caught the weather on the radio and a heatwave straight from hell seemed to be what they'd get the next few days.

"It's a lot bigger deal than he passed off."

Matt looked at Gerard. "Always is, but..." he wasn't quite sure if Gerard was talking about the prosthetic or the night two and a half weeks before that wouldn't get out of Matt's mind.

"Not you." Gerard said. "You too. But not what I meant."

"Yeah. That." Matt shook his head. "It's good." he shrugged. Frank was a little less of a monkey, little less climbing or clinging to the guys in a crowd that pressed to close. Frank was Frank. And he climbed and clung because he could. That was just Frank. Matt had gotten good at watching for the particular sort of wound up edge to the climbing and clinging and being an irritating little monkey, that there was really no way to describe the difference, just that it was there.

"We like totally fail." Gerard insisted glumly.

"No. You don't seriously. You forget. And he fucking loves that. Even if he cringes when he has to point shit out, he fucking loves it. Loves you guys, be fucking lost without you. Don't get stupid."

"You don't forget," Gerard accused.

"He's HIM," Matt hissed. "I don't think of it like what you're saying." Hell, honestly, he didn't think of...He paid attention to Frank, that that kept certain things in the back of his head, like when he'd have to make sure he had to find an hour or so to get away from the tour and hit the nearest store on his own to get shit for Frank. Or watch when Frank was keeping his arms crossed over his chest and pressing in a little, sure sign the brace was bothering him or he'd worn it too long. Or watch when Frank just seemed more ragged from a particularly camera happy or rowdy pressing close crowd at a show or signing or whatever. Frank hid behind the guys, behind his guitar, in playing, not so much from the world with the way Frank was so fucking...there impossible not to notice, impossible to over look but hid from himself as much as anything.

Gerard stared at him hard.

Matt really really wanted to just fucking punch him. But then Brian would have a fucking fit, the guys would all get in an uproar and worse Frank would want to know why. The look on Gerard's face was-fuck Matt didn't know what. Almost like he was accusing Matt of something or daring him...He didn't know what the fuck and he was pretty sure he didn't want to know. "I. Don't. Think. Like. That." Matt repeated dangerously. Granted they were on their own, more or less, the people they'd passed not paying a bit of attention engrossed in their own conversations or hurrying where they needed to be but he still sure as hell wasn't saying anything more than that. It...It shouldn't have to be said. It shouldn't. And goddamn it he was not even going there out in the open like this.

Gerard nodded and swallowed finally looking away.

"You know if it weren't for...I'd fucking quit. I'd...I'd fucking just fucking quit." Matt glared. "Just fucking great to know what you assholes really think of me." He stalked off, there had to be someone who had some fucking booze some where. Gerard was left standing looking stunned and kind of sick. Matt really didn't fucking care at the moment. He'd been glared at, kicked then all but accused of fucking hurting Frank somehow, and now...he didn't even know what the fuck this was. He...fuck it. There had to be some fucking booze somewhere.


~

Frank could only be glad this was the last day of Christa's visit. The heat was getting to him. Hotel night that night and Christa leaving before bus call. The fucking brace was getting to him. He'd gotten used to the breaks in wearing something. And the fucking brace was about ready for the garbage anyway. Chafing and twisting up on the edges. And he really just wanted to curl up and die with it off for a while. He fucking hurt. He kind of wondered just how the hell he'd lived in acewraps for...fucking almost three years. With Pencey, then with the guys. He didn't want to remember being that desperate and scared that he hadn't felt it so much. The place in his head back then that the worst of the irritations and aches were dulled away by...denial, terror, fuck. Whatever.

He couldn't do it anymore. Too tired and crashing and two days and a night he'd done accidentally and paid for it. Fucking five days, five nights and now day six. With only fifteen minutes for a shower a couple days back that Matt stood guard at the door of the crappy little camp shower at the one venue. If this wasn't the last day he'd...fucking let Ray tell her and let her initial-shock stare at least just to get the fucking brace off. He couldn't wear the brace pretty much indefinitely like he used to, and he really didn't want to go back to the mindset that had let him do that either.

And he was about five minutes from heat stroke, not to mention the sinus shit, some fucking plant some where in this state, and he couldn't be fucked to remember which state they were in, had it in for him-his eyes burned, his ears fucking itched deep in his head almost to his throat. What started as an aggravating allergy turned into an infection in like five seconds and he was clogged up to hell and the sinus shit was starting to try to work it's way down to his chest.

He had no idea what the hell he tripped on, it could have been his own feet. Between the dull nagging ache that was killing him and the heat and the fucking allergies-turned-sinus&ear infection had his balance kind of a precarious thing, it could very easily have been his own feet. He sure as hell knew what he hit though. He went straight into an amp crate hitting the edge of it with his chest and every bit of his weight behind the stumble into the damn crate. The world fucking exploded into a red haze of agony and the only thing he was sure of was that he managed not to scream. Hurt too fucking bad to scream.


~

"MATT NOW!" Bob growled and grabbed him by the arm. The look on his face ensured there wasn't a fucking peep from the rest of the techs that had moved on stage.

Matt staggered and followed without a protest as Bob literally dragged him -just this side of running to get off stage, and around back, and the fear that grabbed him when Bob did, turned to churning nausea. Frank on his knees next to an amp crate arms pressed to his chest and struggling to breathe.

"He's bleeding.." Gerard whispered weakly.

Worm, thank god, had his shit on the ball and was keeping even the venue medic back for now. The guys were all crowded around enough that no one could see Frank.

Matt's eyes went to the little bit of a stain under Frank's arm, "Brace's chafing." Gerard looked and sounded like Frankie was stabbed and had blood everywhere but honestly it was a spotty tiny little streak just starting to seep through, and if the washed out once-red of Frank's t-shirt wasn't so light, faded to not-exactly pink but fucking close enough, if he'd been wearing navy or black or even maroon or something equally dark, it would have been lost in the wetness of sweat drenching the shirt and not noticed at all. And Frank had a fucking lot of dark shirts. Shirts dark enough to hide that. Just most of them stunk too bad to wear just now and they really needed to hit the laundromat on the next layover in two days.

"Fucking burn your shirts and get you all white." Matt growled and moved to pick up Frank in his arms. "C'mon gotcha, let's get you to the bus. Fuck you weigh a ton," Matt murmured and didn't really catch what the hell Worm was saying, politely telling the medic to fuck off they'd get him if they needed him. There'd been enough mosh pit trouble with a couple acts that they'd taken to having at least one medic up close hanging around side stage by each stage if there were enough to go around at any venue, between the heat and the crazy. Which, was fucking fantastic, except for right now, except for it was Frank, and checked out just because to make sure side stage wasn't fucking happening.

Ray kept Christa and Mikey with him just outside the bus. Bob at least kept a hold on Gerard as Matt sat Frank carefully on the couch. Brian bounded on the bus, Worm most likely had managed to get a call through to him to get his ass to the bus now.

"What the fuck happened?" Brian demanded.

"He tripped and caught the edge of an amp case right in the chest." Bob said.

"And already hurtin' from wearing the brace too long, fuck, Frank." Matt breathed and wiped the pain-tears that had escaped from Frank's cheek. "You're getting your shirt off, you're getting that fucking brace off, and you're letting me look-here where there's enough fucking light. You're chafing enough to bleed where the brace is getting worn. Kick the guys out just, damn it, Frank."

Matt doubted Gerard was being budged and from the look of it Brian and Bob didn't seem inclined to move. He was glad Ray had Mikey back at least.

~

Frank nodded weakly, shaking. He wanted to kick Matt and tell him to fuck off. If-fuck if it had been any of the others he probably would have, even Gerard. But Matt...

"Brian get the first aid kit and see if someone's got a cleaner t-shirt-"

"I got one, top of my bag," Bob said.

Frank dared to open his eyes, Brian grimly heading for the bunks to grab Bob's shirt-Bob going for the medkit with a wide eyed sick looking Gerard staring.

Frank swallowed.

"Scared the hell out of us, dumb ass," Matt whispered roughly taking the med kit and setting it on the couch next to Frank.

"Probably about the same as Mikey kickin' ya" Frank managed. No way to describe the fucking pain of how he hit the amp case, especially not on top of already being miserable from the brace way way too long.

"Yeah well you iced my fuckin' balls, you're going to let me take a look and get some goddamned neosporin on where you've rubbed raw. Time for some fucking new braces."

"C'mon, Gee, lets see if we can find a fucking car. You know what the hell to get for the braces?" Bob spoke up.

"Yeah, yeah, I-" Gerard stammered.

"Be fucking wonderful," Frank managed. Bob hauled Gerard off the bus, with a goal in mind, something to do, Gerard didn't protest. And while the guys going after new back braces for him to alter and use-not really something he liked to have them do or think of, it sure as fuck beat them standing there staring.

Bob's parting shot of "We'll make sure Ray and Worm don't let anyone on." was even better.

"Here. I'm fucking staying because he says you need checked out by a doctor, I'm going to go fucking find one before you convince him otherwise, Iero." Brian glared then moved to sit at the kitchenette table and booted up his laptop he left there every movement pointed enough that it was all but shouted he wasn't going to...watch or something but wasn't going to let Frank off the hook if Matt breathed the word doctor-paranoid overprotective fuckers.

"This is fucking stupid," Frank whispered shakily.

"Yeah well you're chafing bad enough you're bleeding through to your t-shirt, Frankie." Matt whispered back and helped Frank off with his t-shirt.

Frank closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the couch as Matt reached for the hooks that reinforced the brace's clasp. He couldn't stand to see Matt's face, Matt's eyes.

~

Sweat pimples, chafing, heat rash in places no one cared to think of or talk about from time to time was a fact of life on tour in the summer heat just like any physical job out in the summer sun, just as much as freezing your ass off and sketchy heaters in vans and venues. Just one of those things you dealt with, one of the things no one thought much of or mentioned much unless it was a desperation hunt for some fucking baby powder or goldbond or something, anything, because you were that miserable.

Matt swallowed, Christ. The spot where the brace was starting to get bad and fray was rubbed absolutely raw, and a couple other spots along where the edges of the brace were red and angry and just this side of skin broken open. His nipples looked miserably chafed and the dark line just above them all across his chest already showed the start of one fucking bastard of a bruise, one spot where the corner of the amp case must have caught him on the right side on the end of the forming bruise-line looked like it nearly broke skin from the force Frank hit with, "Gonna have to watch that bruise so you don't end up like Jake," Matt murmured with a swallow. Frank was going to fucking hate that but their lighting guy had skidded off a ladder, shoe was wet and slipped and landed on his ass. Bruised all to hell but nothing broken, fine, dandy, no big deal until the bruise on his hip wouldn't go away, if anything got more swollen and hurt worse and he ended up having to go in for ultrasound therapy to break up the blood clot in the bruise bit by bit.

What had Matt's stomach churning were the irritated shiny-smooth uneven angry-red streaks of chafed scars. It didn't take a rocket scientist to guess exactly what those were, marks from fucking ace wraps twisting and rubbing raw repeatedly. "You fucking need to replace your braces more often, Frank. You give them too much of a fucking workout. Not like you sit still at a fucking desk half the day or something."

Matt reached for Bob's t-shirt and tugged it over Frank's head. Helped him get his arms into it, only rucking up enough for what he needed to see to put the neosporin on the most aggravated spots, including the few scars and Frank's nipples as well as the raw spot. Frank was moving his arms too easily, obvious he was hurting like hell but he still seemed to be moving his arms too easily for cracked ribs or something like that. Thank God.

"Brian, why don't you and the guys go see about finding a cooler and a couple bags of ice, really should ice the bruise off and on tonight." Matt said. "Doesn't need a doctor, just ice, and some fucking tylenol and benedryl or something?"

~

"Did-" Frank swallowed. He hurt, ached and the fall into the fucking amp case and..."Did Brian.."

"Maybe a second just to make sure you were okay." Matt whispered.

Frank shuddered at the touch on his cheek, Matt brushing away tears he couldn't quite blame away on the reflex jolt of pain any longer. Not these now. He couldn't bring himself to look at Matt either. Couldn't stand to see how Matt was looking at him, if he was-looking at him different or...he didn't ...he couldn't even put thoughts together and he couldn't look at Matt.

"He-"

"He knows you way too fucking well to be stupid. Other than maybe wanting to kick your ass almost as much as I do for not getting new braces sooner when these first started to rub wrong," Matt insisted softly.

"I-looked, swear I did. Last two times, didn't have any my size..."

"Say something. I'll cut out and look when I have the chance each stop til we fuckin' find em." Matt swallowed. "You- if..fuck, don't kick me in the nuts-you want your chest massaged or that hurt too bad with the bruise right now?"

"Matty-" Frank managed to get out in a strangled voice, terrified.

"Frank, just me. Just me here. C'mere. Guys were just scared, just scared cause you dropped, and you don't do that, scared cause Gerard noticed the spot where the brace got you raw."

Frank shook but leaned into Matt as the other man settled onto the couch next to him. Stupid. So fucking stupid. Fucking fall into a fucking amp case and...

"Frank," Matt whispered again.

This was Matt. Matt who he fucking dared to be stupid with Jamia's tank top on and no brace and spoiling for a fucking fight with Gerard detoxing and the remnants of embarrassed what the fuck had he done from masturbating watching Matt's goddamn porn-with him.

"I hate-" he broke off. The list was fucking endless of things he hated and where to even start. And when it gets thrown in the guys faces what he is-it's in fifty foot fucking neon fucking stupid shit like this and...

Matt pulled him into his lap and held him, maybe not quite as tight as he usually did when Frank fell apart on him, but that was understandable, Frank would, maybe, scream if he did because Matt had a habit of holding on fucking tight. "Yeah," Matt agreed.


~

"Jesus fucking Christ," Brian breathed unsteadily as he got out of the bus, door firmly closed behind him.

"He-"

"Okay just-fuck," Brian cut off Mikey as he pulled his phone from his pocket and dialed Bob. "Bryar, get those fucking things too no not those-what-" he looked at Christa. "What the fuck do they call em? Like bra hook things to sew on something..."

Christa looked at him stunned.

"Hook and eye clasps." Mikey spoke up.

"Gerard knew that too..." Brian stared at Mikey a moment. Then answered Bob's question on the phone, and the horrified pleading on Ray's face. "Yeah, he's gonna have a bitch of a bruise, chafed and heat rash and miserable and the fucking raw spot from the brace wearing out but yeah...yeah. Matt made him let him look and get the neosporin on the raw mark and where he was chafed bad. I don't fucking know...just..yeah. Yeah later."

Brian leaned against the bus and pulled his cigarettes from his pocket, lit one and ran his hand through his hair.

"Totally fucking wrong, Mikey. Frank ever crooked his little finger-Cortez'd never look anywhere else again." Brian muttered. "Fuck..fucking scars..."

"Scars?" Ray squeaked.

"Just three I saw, but I didn't really look, looked angry as fuck all chafed bright red...have to be from the ace wraps when he wore those, cut in and chafed. Brace is about shot, that's the problem it was rubbing so much..." Brian took a shaky drag and cursed silently his messenger bag was still on the bus, and the shit he had stashed in it. "Tough stubborn fucker."

"I-it was dark that time he was sick and we stuck him in the tub, just the door half open and light from the room outside because he was ready to fall apart." Ray murmured.

Mikey frowned, "I-didn't notice. Gerard and I were pretty well trashed when I-"

Worm who'd been standing there silently waiting looked a little green around the edges as well.

"Just, block the door. Just us on. Okay? Give em some time...let Frank pull it back together because he really didn't fucking like ...for his own fucking good and it was fucking Matt and I wasn't really looking but still's...needs a bit. No one but us. Call if you get shit from the medic showing up or venue management or whatever."

Worm nodded.

Brian frowned at Christa. "Fuck..." her confusion was just way too fucking much. She didn't know. "FUCK." he all but screamed skyward as Wentz came scurrying up with his guys tagging along.

"Mikey? Frank okay they said he fell-"

"Yeah Frank's fine. Just nailed his bad rib just right."

"Frank has a bad rib?" Hurley frowned.

Brian was going to kill Mikey.

"You ever seen Frank in a Mosh Pit? Worse than on stage, totally. Got fucked up when he was like fourteen." Mikey shrugged. "The trauma is Frank temper over hayfever turning into ear infection and having him off balance and tripping over his own feet into an amp case. The amp case might be murdered later. You should totally go protect it's innocent life or something."

Trohman nodded solemnly. "Yeah, it's a dead amp case."

"You-wanna come hang avoid being implicated in the murder of innocent amp cases if-" Wentz looked at them uncertainly.

"Not tonight, I don't think." Mikey shook his head. "We've got other shit to deal with that's...just got to get taken care of." he shrugged. "And tonight's the sewing circle."

Wentz blinked not sure if he should be hurt or laugh by the look of him.

Brian choked and wished for a bottle of whiskey and a few valium. The valium at least he had on the bus, which was fucking stupid but if Gerard didn't know it was in his bag. Christ. He'd fucked up there..could hopefully get back from getting ice and-there should fucking be benedryl. Then again there might not be.

"Wentz, wanna do us a huge favor-find a runner and send a ‘em for benedryl and tylenol? Have em deliver em to Worm here at the bus?"

"Sure...uhm...have fun sewing."

"Breakfast." Mikey said and waggled his eyebrows.

"Make sure some benedryl and tylenol gets back here." Hurley said and started shoving his guys off.

"Thanks," Brian nodded. "Fucking sewing circle?" Brian back handed Mikey, not seriously, but none too lightly in the stomach. Hard enough Mikey's quiet "oof" was a little real even if mostly just for protesting the whack.

"He needs his braces wearable." Mikey shrugged. "Gee's as freaked by sewing needles as he is by hypodermics, basically any little pointy metal. It could be entertaining."

"C'mon we need to find a cooler and some ice." Brian shook his head.

~

Frank almost wished for the pain haze back stronger. He couldn't think through pain. "Why do you put up with me?"

"Cause I hate you. Completely totally." Matt said softly. "And I live for your grandpa calling me Sleezeball."

"Seriously asshole." Frank swallowed. God he sounded shaky and pathetic to his own ears and he still hurt. And...

"You're my best friend." Matt said slowly. "Fucking bravest man I know, and one of the toughest, and funny and cool to hang out with and...why wouldn't I?"

"Uhm, neurotic, prone to going off on you when you don't fucking deserve it but you're the one that'll stand there and take it and fucking let me. I'm..." Frank swallowed. "I'm not brave." He wasn't. He wasn't brave at all. He hid all the fucking time. Always had. Even when he...when he knew he wasn't her He hid. Tried to be her when he had to for everyone else and ...and...here he was curled up on Matt's lap with his chest hurting like hell and acting like a chickenshit nutcase of a baby and...

"You don't see what I do." Matt said quietly. "Seriously. Your mirror is all fucked up, or maybe your eyes are."

Frank shook his head. "What the hell do you see? How the fuck do you think I'm brave?"

"How can you think you're not?" Matt asked. "I know you get spooked to death over shit. You don't stop. Don't let it stop you."

Frank shook his head, and Matt tightened his arms around him a bit. Almost too much as Frank's chest pressed a little more against Matt's, enough to send a fresh throb of pain through Frank but not enough to protest or want to move.

He squeezed his eyes tight against fresh tears that threatened. His mind all but fucking ran away from any thought of how damned good leaning on Matt, held by Matt was. He was a fucking pro at that. He really was. He could give seminars on mental avoidance. Don't want to think about it, Don't have to in three easy steps.

"They're-"

"You scared the fuck out them. Scared the fuck outta me. You're good at doing that, like almost passing out not able to breathe from pneumonia and shit like that. Like maybe permanently fucking yourself up with shit that's no good for you-and the what doesn't make it any different than Gee's drinking and drugging was or shit. Just a helluva lot harder to find words that won't get us killed is all when you scare us. You start swinging like Gee never did."

"I-"

"They don't see anything but you-FRANK- they don't. I don't either. No one's gonna dwell on shit. Other than make it a rule you have to have new braces once a month on tour or something. Just so you're not fucking hurt by shit that's avoidable, that they can do something about. No different than the bus is dry rule."

The thing was, he believed that. He believed Matt. Believed all of them when they said all they saw was Frank. They forgot too easily. They-they were the most ridiculous bunch of fucking goobers on the planet. And the stupidity and looking back, almost hilarity of how they all found out-and never. Ray's withdrawal had been his own shit. Frank believed him. He'd said so. Frank couldn't not believe him. Because Ray had never acted like it hadn't been his own shit since. That Frank's mini breakdown when he'd been sick had kinda been the set off but it had been Gee and Pelissier and just kinda everything including Frank thought the break Ray and Christa had taken for a while, that on the road and on the road and on the road had driven her a bit crazy, not that it had changed since as far as on the road but they seemed more solid than ever now, even with Europe then Japan, Gerard cleaning up and them being on the road pretty much the entire year since. Realities of Frank had just been one too many things to wrap his head around somehow. And as much as he wanted to be pissed off at that, he couldn't.

"Why did you get stupid with your porn?" Frank blurted, not even realizing the words were there, let alone escaping until they were out.

"Because- fuck, same reason I never played the kinkier shit around Ray until Gerard went and put it on, still that way and...I'm not asshole to my friends. Don't go out of my way to make people I like uncomfortable..." Matt whispered. "I didn't know if it...didn't want you to think....I don't even fucking know anymore. But it wasn't...like, when Jamia's around or Christa visiting now or something. Wasn't-"

Frank swallowed. No. He couldn't deny the honesty of that either. Matt still didn't put on kinkier porn when Ray was right there. If it got shoved in the dvd player when Ray was around it was Mikey or Gee. The same with the gay porn. Lesbians, even mildly kinky lesbians kinda got a free pass all the way across the board on a bus full of guys, that unless Bob was holding out a deep dark secret that seemed highly unlikely and ridiculous all things considered, all liked women at least aesthetically, so that didn't so much count even if Gerard occasionally got a guilt complex over that.

Jamia never saw a bit of Matt's porn, it stayed in their room. If it was watched in the living room it had been when she was at work and put right back so that it wasn't even left out where she'd see it, and hell even zombie and horror movies had been cut back, and there hadn't been a thought of porn with Christa around the last few days.

"Christa," Frank swallowed.

"Don't think she's going anywhere." Matt murmured.

Frank nodded into Matt's shoulder. He didn't think she was either. The off and on and Ray gone on the road all the time seemed to be settled somehow between them. There hadn't been any ‘off' since...at least since Gee cleaned up. Time was a fluid thing, measured more in tours and major events than months and years-because remembering those at times was about as impossible as remember the day or city when it had been a solid month of shows one after the other and no let up drowned everything into the hazed blur of monotony.

He sat quietly forcing his mind blank, just leaning into Matt. He didn't want to think. Especially not how easily something so fucking stupid could have been so much worse if the guys hadn't been right there, if Worm hadn't kept the EMT back...if if if. Didn't want to think about Matt either. Just. No. Didn't want to think how fucking easy his dream could go up in smoke, he got to play. The guys were...the guys and...no, just not thinking of anything.


~

Matt snorted softly at the noise of the bus door opening. A herd of drunk elephants couldn't make more noise. He loosened his hold on Frank who slid off his lap next to him by the time Brian, carrying a cooler, was in view. Ray, Christa and Mikey following behind.

The hurt at how quickly Frank moved was eased by Frank staying right next to his side, his head on Matt's shoulder. And he gave himself a mental kick in the ass because he had no right whatsoever to even go there.


Christa, to her credit, only blinked a second and said ‘oh' and that was the end of it. If anything she looked relieved as it sunk in Ray's tapdance of how it might not be good that she come out when she had the time was about Frank, not anything she had to worry about.





~

Frank was sitting on one of the beds sweats clad legs stretched out in front of him, leaning back on a pile of pillows against the headboard, melting ice in a plastic bag across his chest. He looked absolutely miserable.

"What." Matt sighed as he stepped out of the bathroom. The towel he'd still been rubbing his hair with dropped to the floor. A loose pair of basketball shorts his only attire.

Frank gave him a dirty look.

Matt headed to the bed Frank was on and stretched out flat on his back by Frank. "Hurtin or the bruise already looking that bad?" Matt asked softly. This round of ice entirely Frank's idea, happening while Matt was in the shower. His stomach tightened coiling in on itself seeing that, because Frank...Frank ignored things til he absolutely couldn't.

"Bruise is nasty and some."

Matt's hand landed on Frank's shin before he could think better of it. He didn't pull it back though once he realized what he'd done. Just squeezed lightly and left his hand lay there. Frank would say something or kick him or something. "Benedryl helping any?"

"Yeah. That and the decongestant crap."

Matt tightened his hand just a little. "Got to take better care of yourself, Frank, lotta people be fucking lost without you starting with Jamia and me. And the guys, and Brian. Hell, Worm wouldn't know what to do with himself if he didn't have to pull you off shit constantly."

"What?...You...you think I'm fucking suicidal or fuck I don't know..."

"No." Matt whispered. "No...I don't. I don't, Frank. Don't even think you are trying to hurt yourself by ignoring shit like needing some fucking Benedryl or whatever and letting minor shit spiral out of control but you do. You fucking do. Not that you try to hurt yourself, just-don't take care of yourself. Scares me. Scares the hell out of me."

~

Frank looked down at Matt and swallowed. Matt-Matt looked sick and scared and pale and shaky. His eyes were closed and his fingers dug into Frank's shin just a second.

"I get there's shit you don't want to think about, I-goddamn it Frank you ignore everything to nearly killing yourself on stupid shit. Not slowing down when you're getting the fucking plague, like getting chafed to fucking bloody from a worn out brace that's fucking fraying, like not.. not fucking saying you need something for allergies and end up with freaking sinus and ear infection or whatever-at least enough that it had you dizzy and off balance. Fucking hurts watching you not take care fo yourself when we all happen to kinda love you, ya know."

Matt's voice a raw ragged whisper. Frank swallowed hard as a tear slipped from the corner of Matt's eye and raced down his cheek into his hair.

"I'll-I'll try. For you guys-" Frank managed. for you. His mind reared away from that thought as soon as it formed.

"Wish you'd try for you, but I'll take it." Matt whispered.

"I-I'm gonna toss this in the tub and get a dry shirt-I can put the neosporin on...promise I will."

Matt nodded and let go of Frank's leg.