InsaneJournal

FIC: A Series of (mostly) Un-Apocalyptic Events --btvs/hp 5/?
full header & previous parts:
an unexpected meeting || unusual conversations || un-imaginary friends and places, really || unlikely coincidence



~unplanned vacation~



Xander dropped his bag on the hotel bed.

His head was spinning. He had two weeks. He was to take two weeks. He couldn't talk to slayers, or wiccas, or watchers or do anything even remotely work like. Because Willow was so convinced he needed a vacation, Giles looked so tired that it seemed like Willow had worn Giles into needing a vacation.

He couldn't go hang out with Buffy in Rome because he'd end up doing some sort of fray-adjacent slayery type things.

He'd been summoned to the Watcher's British headquarters, only to be dumped in a hotel room in London. Worse it was some sort of ritzy suite in a five-star hotel. He should be thrilled by Willow-logic but Xander was kinda afraid to breathe much because he might get something dirty, or worse break it and he really didn't want to hear Giles go on about the cost of replacing anything in this place. He couldn't hang out with Willow or Andrew or Dawn, who were only a short drive away. Well, relatively short, less than two hours which was nothing compared to intercontinental flights or mojo-trips, no matter how quick mojo trips were, they were the last option, especially for him.

There had been much with the Willow-babble of museums and history and shopping and he smiled and nodded and looked pleadingly at Giles who was not helpful with the glasses polishing. Giles wanted a meeting with him to discuss his branch of Africa Slaying. Willow had vetoed it until after two weeks of death-by-boredom.

He jumped at the knock at the door two hours later, he'd managed a nice long soak in the Jacuzzi--about the only thing in the hotel suite he wasn't scared of smudging or breaking, and hot water, or just water without fear of snakes or poisonous or carnivorous fish and fish type things or hippos or pissed off water demons bigger than hippos that spurred on the legends of some kinda brontosauruses still living in the jungle somewhere.

"Giles, please tell me the world's ending," Xander said hopefully seeing the older man standing there. "Please don't tell me I have to stay here. Please. This place is giving me the creeps."

"Why? It's a lovely hotel."

"I'm going to breathe on something and it's going to break."

Giles sighed and rolled his eyes. There was that. Xander was the least likely to appreciate the hotel, even if he was also the least likely to actually destroy it.

"So...breaking the Willow rules of doom and risking pouting and angry faces with puppy eyes why?"

"Natalia Culpepper isn't on the Council payroll and neither are you...or any of your team."

Xander shrugged. "I told Willow not to worry about it when you were doing all the court stuff with getting assets unfrozen and whatever. We're doing okay. We got enough with that trip to Monaco to last us a while even without the Goblin payments and some of the other jobs we've taken."

"Other jobs? And--Goblins. You mentioned Gringotts to Willow...how on earth did you manage to find out about Wand-Wizards and you must be careful, Natalia could be in danger if a Wand Wizard discovered her nature."

"Uh, is that where Kafu says the European Wizards have rhino shit for brains?"

"Kafu. Your guide Kafu."

"Yeah. He threatens to stew me when I tease him about being the slimy guts and stinky weed chef."

"Xander," Giles managed in a strangled voice. "What do you mean?"

"Kafu's a T'bori Potions Master. Claims he's a hundred and ten too. Doesn't look a day over forty five."

"Xander, I --" Giles stared. His mouth worked silently for a long moment before he blurted. "What the devil have you all been doing in Africa!"

"Looking for Slayers, stopping the occasional apocalypse, the usual."

"Not quite." Giles glared. "You have a T'bori Potions Master for a guide..."

Xander shrugged.

"Xander,"

"Wizards like me. As much as demons, and apparently bad tempered dragon hatchlings do. Only with less wanting to kill me or climb me and kill everyone around me."

"Considering you draw more demonic attention than Buffy and Willow combined, or at least needed extricated from being the object of demonic attention, that's not reassuring."

Xander flopped back on the sofa of the sitting area of the suite then immediately looked worried. The sofa was stiff and uncomfortable and looked more like a deformed three-person-wide high back chair with spindly legs than a decent sofa. "If I can get out of this damned hotel with you dealing with Willow I will tell you everything I can. Kafu probably would stew me if I told you much about where the T'bori are or anything much about them and Digger would get really bent out of shape if I said much about the Goblins, direct business is one thing, Gobliny stuff is another. Medraut doesn't talk about his mom or her crap much either."

"Medraut?"

"M. A. Ambrose on the reports. He's been with Nat and me from almost the get go down there. There was a nest of Turks or Thurks or whatever they were. Warthoggy faces and dark gray hide that's all but impenetrable. They were going to sacrifice him. He was going to tag along back to civilization, ended up just keeping tagging along."

~*~

Giles pinched the bridge of his nose three hours later, having the edited, not-in-reports adventures of Xander in Africa. Which he had heard parts of indeed, he'd even had names for Xander and Natalia's companions.

"You've...you've been to a T'bori settlement?"

"Er, is that bad? How is that bad? They're really cool. Kafu's granddaughter is a bit scary. fifteen year old with a crush on me as bad as Dawn's at that age, only she's husband hunting."

"Dear Lord Xander!"

"What?"

"Did Natalia go with you?"

"Yeah, of course she did. We all went. Medraut too. And Digger since he's been with us. Haven't since Henry and Wolfgang ended up with us. But that's only been since the snapedragon from Ridgeback Romania or Norway or some damn thing. Evidently they turned in their badges and their dresses for the mercenary life."

"You've taken a Slayer to a T'bori settlement more than once? Xander Wand Wizards consider Slayers dangerous magical creatures. Not even magical beings, magical creatures. If they even believe in their bloody existence in the first place."

"Uh huh. I think that's where the rhino shit for brains of European wizards come in. T'bori know what Slayers are. They recognized what Natalia was right off which kinda puts her on par with Seers or something. Kafu's oldest Grandson and a couple great nephews are trying to convince Natalia to marry them. They'll even share if they have to."

Giles stared. "You could have told me you had a wand wizard in your employ!"

Xander shook his head. "Kafu, good with the mojo and potions and willing to be our guide."

"Yes, yes but--" Giles cut himself off with a groan. Xander had told him exactly that. He knew very well that Xander hadn't meant to mislead at all. "Xander, magics--the type of magic"

"Black, White and Intent based Gray" Xander shrugged. "Optional clothing, sticks, cauldrons, candles, chalk drawings, salt circles, weeds and guts but it all boils down to black, white and intent based gray."

"That is the grossest over-simplification I have heard in my life Xander."

"Well that works for me. I've got enough to do. We've got Medraut's visions to point us toward whatever Natalia's Spidey-sense doesn't pick up on or you send us toward, or Kafu's people, or the Goblins, or the dumbasses in dresses that keep showing up and depending on the day asking for help or threatening, they've stopped threatening though so much lately since that mess in Uganda. There was a warlord doing all sorts of black-mojo and trying to make himself the immortal evil overlord of the world, kinda like the mayor only with less giant demon snaky-ness or demonic scorpions to eating to accomplish the snaky-ness."

"An Ascension?"

"Is it still an ascension without the demonic scorpion snacking and giant demon snake-ness? Wasn't trying to ascend to demon-ness. Just the immortal evil overlord type thing without the demony-ness."

"I---I--" Giles headed for the phone and ordered a bottle of scotch from room service. "Bloody hell, it was you."

"Me?"

"A friend of mine was concerned about the mercenary the council seemed to have acquired. Especially after Ethan--"

"Huh?"

"An Egyptian Wand Wizard whose mother was a witch from an unmagical British family. She insisted on a proper unmagical education for him as well. He went to University with Ethan and myself."

"Yeah, Ripper dealing with mercenaries would be worry-worthy." Xander said with a frown. "You're not dealing with mercenaries are you? I mean if you need us somewhere other than Africa...Digger and Medraut would go with Natalia and I and probably Kafu too. Probably Henry and Wolfgang even."

"Xander, you're the mercenary that Hassid was worried about."

"Me?"

"You." Giles sighed. "Good lord, Xander--none too bloody soon." He muttered heading for the door. He poured himself a scotch. "What have you done with the slayers you've found in Africa? You've sent us three. Statistically that's impossible."

"I sent you the ones that were in danger. Or needed the hell out of where they were. A few of them only went so far, the camps I told you about them..."

"When"

Xander stared at Giles. "Does 'Yes, yes, as long as it's not an immediately dire situation, bloody hell Megan, Crystal! WILLOW!!..yes, yes, I'm coming. We've a bit of a crisis here. I trust your judgment, do as you see fit'" Xander repeated word for word.

"They're in safe situations and being trained?"

"Yep." Xander nodded.

Giles finished off his glass and poured a second.

"Lot of the places we're at, even if they're not magical they don't have the blind for the weird, it's normal to believe in demons and witches and hey, can ya kill the thing eating the hunters when they go over that way about five miles?" Xander shrugged. "There's something to be said for that. I'll take lack of civilized thinking over even Sunnydale Syndrome, but I still miss indoor plumbing and pizza."

"Indeed the council's never had much luck getting any information or results of anything out of the African Continent outside of a few localized spots--Egypt, South Africa and the like."

"Civilized spots."

"Certainly more supposedly civilized than most yes." Giles had to agree.

"So I'm a mercenary to be worried about?"

Giles laughed. "I refuse to put you on the payroll, you'd have trouble accessing wizarding areas in Britain, if not several other places in Europe if that were the case. Wizarding society has nothing to do with non-magical peoples, and disdain most earth-based magics. Proper recompenses for the three Slayers--danger pay, finders fee, incurred expenses and the like will be paid of course, and you'll keep the council credit card for emergencies, think of it as a retainer or a bribe that you'll consider council business in the future if it suits you."

Xander raised an eyebrow. "So I--I'm fired?"

"Bloody hell. No you're not fired. Technically you were never hired! You should have had a payroll account set up along with everyone else. Now, do you want your payments for your individualized council jobs deposited in the Suisse National or in Gringotts Switzerland."

"You're--HUH?"

"I'd very much like you to keep on as you have. If you wish to. You've done amazingly well, despite the payroll oversight," Giles said softly. "Recompense will match the proper salary between deposits as if you were employed--for you and your team--I will need dates for Digger was it? and Henry and Wolfgang? So when there is a single-term council job--"

"Giles?"

"Many places are cursed against council employed people, in Wizarding Britain at the very least."

"Ookay."

"Simply enabling you to do as you have been. Or you could--"

"Go to Devon and fix plumbing and Slayer-induced structural damage?" Xander raised his eyebrow. "I'm good at this. Okay I might not be the best fighter in comparison. But...I know how to play bait and duck and get lucky shots in that shove the baddies into arms reach of a Slayer to finish em off. I'm pretty good at plans, can read blueprints and stuff if there's any to be had, and maps aren't that awful different if it's something that magic's blocking the pointy-spell of Kafu's. Giles, I've been doing this since I was fifteen....and after the last few years I don't know how to do anything else anymore." he finished tiredly.

Giles sighed. "I never wanted that for any of you children."

"We know." Xander assured him.

Giles took another drink of his scotch.

"Can I get a different hotel?"

"You can explain that to Willow." was Giles answer.

"Do you think I could get a pizza from room service?"

"The hotel has a five star kitchen!" Giles spluttered.

"So...no pizza?" Xander asked fighting a grin.

"I think not." Giles snorted.