InsaneJournal

CrackFic: Purple Swirly Sparkly Bottle of Doom
title: Purple Swirly Sparkly Bottle of Doom
author: lisa roquin
rating: crack
fandom: MCR/(you'll figure it out)
series/sequel: ~hides~ no. please no.
characters/pairings: My Chem, OCs & the OC's 60's TV character parents.
disclaimer: I've lost my mind. This didn't happen. Nor do I own any copyrighted characters.
summary: Cassandra Jean Nelson is her mother's daughter and no one would claim the little purple bottle, so it ended up in the community property junk drawer in the bus kitchenette.
warning: crack
author's note: this is what chronic pain and not enough sleep or caffiene can do.
wordcount: too many, I shall hide now. (2100+)



No one knew where the funky little bottle came from. That really wasn’t too shocking with all the shit that found it’s way onto the bus at times. It’s little, or kinda, certainly not big and it’s kinda purple and swirly and sparkly so narrowing it down to who might have picked it up somewhere and forgot about it basically only excludes Worm, Matt and Bob. That still leaves the scariest three--Mikey, Gerard and Frank-- as suspects. Ray’s safely disqualified as the culprit, because he’s the one that found (tripped over) it in the vicinity of Gerard’s bunk and for three not-nearly-awake-enough seconds thought it was a bong and started to freak Gerard was maybe using again.

Okay, so purple swirly and sparkly really weren’t Ray’s normal style but he had a girlfriend, and a sister or two, and cousins and shit like that who he picked things up for so it wasn’t out of the realm of possible.

Gerard declared just because it was found near his bunk totally did not make him the one responsible for the damned bottle. No one can argue with that. Because, maybe not on other buses, but on theirs, shit seems to wander around. Nothing major or all that disastrous, but napkins with Gerard’s scribbling--both doodles and lyrics--show up in the weirdest places. So do guitar picks, cds, games, Matt‘s porn, and well, anything little and mobile that wanted to hide or run away (after years with the Ways everyone just goes with the inanimate running and hiding without a blink). And there’s a drawer in the kitchenette that’s full of eyeliner, guitar picks, sharpies, rubber bands and pony tail holders, bobby pins (classic emergency lock pick devices according to Frank), buttons, assorted god knows what crap, half blown crackly earbuds and a pair of eyelash curlers Jamia and Alicia have both soundly disavowed and no one else is fessing up to owning so there they stay. (Even if everyone’s pretty sure those are Gerard’s.)

The bottle, since it doesn’t seem to belong to anyone, gets shoved in the drawer.

The bottle doesn’t want to stay in the drawer. Even Bob has to admit that after the damn thing shows up in his bunk, in the middle of Matt’s stack of porn, in Gerard’s make up, in Gerard’s art supplies, in Mikey’s bunk hiding his sidekick. (well, Mikey said that’s what it was doing, it was laying on top of Mikey’s sidekick). Frank declares it’s cursed and becomes nearly as scared of the bottle as he is of spiders.

Ray tries to throw it away, it invaded his studio in the back of the bus, that‘s it. The fucker‘s gone. They all see him drop it in a trash can on their way to sound check. They get back on the bus after the show that night it’s sitting smugly on the couch in the front lounge.

“I don’t fucking believe it.”

The stupid bottle goes back in the drawer.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Seven damned nights in a row. It’s repeatedly thrown away, they all watch it be thrown. It’s sitting on the couch progressively more annoyed and furious each night.

The seventh night the drawer starts rattling while they were still sitting around unwinding.

The bottle flies out.

“Watch out!” Frank goes flying and knocks Bob to the floor. The bottle lands on the couch and shakes furiously, the cork goes flying out.

“The bottle is smoking!” Mikey said waveringly.

“Haven’t you boneheads ever seen Aladdin? You got a genie and you stick me in the drawer! Do you know how long I had to beg my mom that I could go on my own and you guys! I hate you! This is totally unfair! I’m going to be teased for-EVER and I’m a genie! I mean Forever“

Bob thunked his head back on the floor. Frank’s still on top of him and the little guy floating in the air wearing purple harem pants, a My Chem t-shirt and eyeliner was pouting, and in people years looked like a petulant twelve year old, he wasn’t sure how that translated in Genie-years but... They had a genie, in a little purple swirly sparkly bottle…a pissed off my life sucks emo tweenie genie. Why couldn’t shit like this happen to Fall Out Boy or something?

“Dude, like we knew.” Gerard tried to reason.

“I am not a dude. My name’s Cassandra.” she muttered, full pout wavery lip and all, arms folded across her chest.

Bob beat his head back on the floor. An emo tweenie genie was bad enough, but a girl.

“Well, we won’t tell, and you can go home?” Ray tried.

“I can’t” she snapped. “I just wanted to see the concert and my brothers didn’t want to come. And you put my bottle in the freaking drawer so that kicked in as claim of ownership.”

“WHAT!”

“It’s a genie law thing.” She muttered. “Dad’s going to have a fit and I told you so-ing for ages.”

“We can not own a twelve year old girl!” Ray said a bit hysterically.

“I’m fourteen!”

“That’s not any better!” Mikey yelped.

“You were in my porn!” Matt spluttered.

“Can’t--can’t you just go home?” Gerard asked hopefully.

“No.” she snapped, then the lip started quivering. Mikey shoved Gerard who ended up with the crying little Genie snotting all over his Black Parade jacket.


~*~

She fucking refused to go back in her bottle. Worm is glary and suspicious and growling a lot about where she came from, but thankfully some schitzo stalker fan has his attention mostly diverted, or at least has him too busy to interrogate--much.

And someone with a fucking camera phone got a picture of her, all over the fucking internet. All over because she was plastered to Gerard’s back and they couldn’t try to say Gee was just giving Frankie a piggy back ride since she had her head down and face in Gerard’s shoulder, her hair was dark and about collar length like Frank’s was, but that couldn’t work because Frank was walking next to Gerard, and their little Genie was actually littler than Frank.

And then there were four pictures from the next venue.

And three more the venue after that.

Mystery girl, very under-aged Mystery Girl on My Chem’s bus. Possibly the daughter of one of the band, or someone in the band was dating a woman with a daughter who looked to be about eleven.

“See! Oh god they’re going to be--you--You are --GROUNDED or, or something!” Gerard shouted, arms flailing. Ray and Bob stood with their arms crossed glaring.

“We so totally--”

“I’m Fourteen” Cassie cried indignantly as she glared at the laptop screen they had the pictures and speculation in one of about eighty bazillion blogs pulled up on.

“Not the point!” Frank shouted.

“I do not look eleven.”

“You’re short!”

“So are you!”

“Frankie,” Bob warned.

“We could say she’s Frank’s daughter,” Mikey raised an eyebrow.

“She’s fourteen!” Gerard pointed out. “That’d make Frankie like ELEVEN when she was born or something. That’s so not going to work.”

“No she pretty much has to be Gerard or Ray’s you two are the only one’s old enough to be her dad if she’s sticking around and insisting on shouting she’s fourteen.” Matt said.

“WHAT!!” Gerard and Ray both shrieked.

“Can’t we just wish her away? Back where she came from?” Frank wanted to know.

The lip started wavering. Tears welled. Bob slapped Frank upside the head, because making little girls cry was just low, even if it was an aggravating little emo tweenie genie girl who was going to…land them all in jail or something.

“I just mean so you can go home!” Frank wailed. “I didn’t mean we didn’t like you.”


The older, probably close to retirement age, guy in the military uniform came bursting onto the bus startled them all. “CASSANDRA JEAN NELSON!!”

“Uhm…hi Daddy.”

“MASTER!” the blonde woman appeared out of thin air. “YOU CANT! ITS AGAINST THE LAWS!…and You! Who is your master?”

“All of them!”

“You have a harem of masters! You’re too young for a harem of masters!”

“Jeannie!”

“Well she is, Master.”

“She needs to come home.”

“She can’t they’re her masters.”

“Jeannie, it’s against the laws for a bunch of musicians on a bus to have a fourteen year old girl traveling with them.”

“Your laws are silly and they’re her masters, but you are in so much trouble young lady!”

“They wanna wish me away,” Cassie cried and flung herself at her mother.

“What!”

“Not away! Just so you could go home!” Frank tried again.

Cassie sniffed and gave Frank a positively evil nod of her head.

There’s a little mutt puppy, a ridiculously tiny mutt puppy in Frank’s place. The puppy growled and then started yipping angrily.

“Meanie!” Cassie sniffed.

“Did you just turn that little tattoed person into a dog, Cassandra?” Military-man said tightly.

“Yes.”

“Turn him back, Cassandra.”

“No.”

“You cannot turn your master into a puppy.” the woman tried.

“He wanted to wish me away! Now he can’t!”

Cassie’s mother nodded, thoughtfully. “He is a cute puppy.”

“JEANNIE!” the military man said, a vein throbbing in his temple.

“Well he is.”

Frank started yipping more angrily. Ray lifted Frank up and held him. “Frank, calm down.”

Frank looked up at Ray and snarled

“A yorkie-kinda mutt isn’t scary Frank.” Mikey giggled.

“Cassie! We can’t play with a Yorkie!” Ray tried to be reasonable.

“Can so. Frankie’s smart enough to play fetch and is cute like that.” Cassie argued.

“You-you!” Gerard spluttered. “You are so grounded! Or DO SOMETHING WTH HER! MAKE HER TURN FRANK BACK!“

“”You’re her masters.”

“Jeannie.” Military guy growled.

“Look, Master! They have their own Major Healeys”

“Jeannie”

“Worm, don’t hurt Cassie’s parents! Frank’s already a dog.” Mikey said.

“What is going on here!” Brian wanted to know.

“Cassie, please turn Frankie back.” Gerard tried.

“No! Not until he won’t wish me away!” she actually stomped her foot.

“He didn’t want you wished away, just to go home with your parents!” Gerard shouted.

“I can’t and you can’t wish me away.” there went the lip quivering again, with big scared eyes and a sniffle.

“Shh oh no you can’t wish her away, Genies who are wished away by their masters.” the woman shuddered. “You can’t“

“We won’t.” Bob spoke up. “But we can’t have a little girl on the bus with us without major…trouble.”

“Roger! Roger doesn’t have a master!”

“I AM NOT SHARING MY MASTERS WITH MY BROTHER MOM!!!”

Cassie’s mom blinked and a blue bottle with silver lightning bolts on it appeared. “Here, do you promise to keep this?” she shoved the bottle in Brian’s stunned hands.

“MOM! Oh my god MOTHER!! I DON’T BELIEVE YOU!” Cassie yelped.

“Well if you won’t share with your brother he needs his own, and he can keep you out of trouble and the silly Now. That’s yours.”

“Huh?”

“ROGER JOSEPH NELSON COME OUT OF YOUR BOTTLE AND MEET YOUR MASTER!”

Brian nearly dropped the bottle he held as the cork popped out, blue smoke followed by the appearance of a glaring young man with shaggy blonde hair wearing only ripped jeans. “Mother--”

“You would have been sealed in your bottle for centuries just being stubborn. You have a master and--”

“MOTHER--god you’ve been impossible since Anthony found a master! Wanting everyone to have masters. You--”

“You have a master. Right there. He’s cute too”

“MOM!”

“JEANNIE!”

“Can someone sane please explain what the hell is going on?” Brian managed, just barely.


“I’m Major General Tony Nelson, I’ve been assigned to NASA for the last thirty years. This is my wife Jeannie. Our youngest child, and only daughter, Cassandra and our youngest son Roger. My wife and all five of our children are genies. And now it seems my youngest son has a little tattoed master with a lip ring, and my fourteen year old daughter has a rock band for her masters. How did that happen Cassandra?”

“They put my bottle in the community property drawer! ALL SIX OF THEM! At least once!”

“You were the one that put your bottle in my porn!”

“You hid my sidekick with your bottle!”

“Porn” Major General Nelson repeated.

“I was trying to get someone to decide my bottle belonged to them!” Cassie shouted exasperated.

“Porn.” Major General Nelson repeated.

“It’s back in with the equipment since Cassie came out of her bottle.” Bob managed. “Everyone’s sick of looking at it anyway. Just a lot of hours on a bus…”

The spluttering, wordless horror of Mikey, Gerard and Ray at the subject at hand, and Frank-the-Puppy trying to climb up and hide in Ray's hair, had Major General Nelson relaxing somewhat.

“I’m…going to go ride with up front Fred,” Worm said.

“Fred?” Brian frowned.

“The driver” And with that Worm left and let Brian deal with the chaos of Major General Nelson and his family and My Chem. He just didn’t get paid enough to make sense of Generals and Genies, but somehow he was pretty sure Roger and Cassandra Nelson just got added to his list of charges. He really wasn’t going to think about puppy-dog rhythm guitarists either. If Frank didn't get changed back, they could walk their own damn guitarist, that wasn't in his contract.



~~~~~~~
and on the chance the crossover is not recognized elsewhere in the world (though anyone exposed to nick at nite or TVland certainly should recognize it) it's I Dream of Jeannie--the plot summation of which Jeannie was a Genie (Barbara Eden in harem out fit) and she drove her master, astronaut Major Tony Nelson (Larry Hagman) insane.