Taryn Howard (tarynmeapart) wrote in lemondropz, @ 2015-10-15 10:13:00 |
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Entry tags: | char: matthew finch-fletchley, char: taryn howard, loc: hogsmeade |
Who: Matt and Taryn
What: Relief (or disappointment)
Where: Their home, Hogsmeade
When: Thursday afternoon
Rating: Lowish except for some occasional strong language.
Status: Closed/complete
Taryn had folded herself into one of the dining room chairs, legs drawn up to her chest, arms draped around them. Her chin rested on her knees, staring at the glass bottle sitting on the table. The liquid inside was green and thick and not at all appealing to look at. The instructions written on parchment beside the bottle were clear enough: Drink entire contents, wait fifteen minutes, use the toilet. Yellow means nothing, blue means baby.
She hadn’t touched the bottle since bringing it home from the apothecary, and all she’d done was stare at it, trying to decide what she wanted it to tell her. A positive meant they’d probably have to move up the wedding, it would be stress they didn’t need, but it would also mean the answer to a craving she’d been carrying for months.
She rubbed her face with her fingertips, massaging her forehead and cheekbones, wishing that Matt would get home, but also hoping that he wouldn’t. It would be nice to have the support, but if she did it and had her answer before he got back, she could surprise him or simply never burden him with the confusion in her head.
She closed her eyes and buried her face in her knees. She’d count to thirty, and then drink it. That was the plan.
She was just reaching twenty-five when she heard the door open. “I’m in the dining room,” she called, voice muffled by her knees.
Matt exhaustedly called out a greeting as he walked in through the front door, his eyelids heavy and his shoulders slumped. It had not been an easy day. Two girls in his class had had a screaming row at lunch time, and a group of boys had chosen the last five minutes before going home to announce that they hadn't understood anything they'd learned all day, so how were they expected to do their homework tomorrow? Follow that with a fractious staff meeting and having to reply to lots of owls to make arrangements for the next Hogwarts visit, when he entered the dining room and saw his fiancée, he was clearly a young man with the weight of the world on his shoulders.
Running a hand through his hair, he threw his weight into a chair beside Taryn with a thump. "Hi" he replied with his eyes closed, not seeing the bottle that lay before her.
Taryn kept her head down, still counting, forty, forty-one, waiting for any sort of reaction. When it didn’t come, she lifted her head to eye Matthew sitting beside her. “Hey,” she said, her voice a bit faint. Taking in his appearance, she unfolded herself from the chair and reached out to put a hand on his knee.
Not knowing what to say, she just squeezed while the other hand reached out to the parchment lying on the table to touch it lightly, playing with the corner between her thumb and forefinger.
“Um. Rough day?” Oh, this was torture. She couldn’t just say, ‘Hey! You look like hell, but look at this!’ She was the worst sort of person in the world and wanted just to hide the bottle while he still wasn’t looking and worry about it later.
She reached out to pick it up.
Matt let out a long, low groan of the sort he rarely did unless truly riled. An optimist rather than the sort of person who complained about everything, his shoulders remained low as he thought about how to reply. Taryn worked at the school too, it wasn't as though his was the only job that was hard. His eyes were still closed as he replied.
"Lots of pre pubescent drama, unfortunately" he sighed, rubbing his temple with one hand and acknowledging her hand on his knee with the other. "I'll be fine" he added, although he certainly didn't look fine. Opening one eye, he looked straight at her. "Are you alright?" he asked, refusing to think about himself, as usual.
“Fine,” Taryn replied, hitching a smile onto her face and cradling the bottle of green goo out of sight between her hands. She curled it into a fist and reached up to stroke Matt’s cheek lightly. “Just a little tired today, no drama, just the usual.”
She ran her thumb along his jaw and stood up, reaching to pick up the instruction sheet, hoping he wouldn’t see it. She’d worry about that whole thing when Matt was calm and possibly not in the house. He didn’t need another worry that was probably not even a worry anyway.
And if it was, it could wait.
“Tea?”
"Please" he sighed again, closing his eye and continuing to rub his temple. He definitely had a headache coming on. Joy.
"I didn't interrupt anything, did I?" Matt asked, his voice flat and drained of energy, having noted her squirrelling away of the paper.
“Nope!” Taryn replied with false brightness. She folded the paper and tucked it into her pocket, keeping hold of the bottle in her left hand as she went into the kitchen. She set it down on the counter, nudging it back out of sight as she set about making the tea. She needed it, she thought, pretty damn badly. It always made her feel better.
While the water warmed up, she returned to the table and plopped back into her seat. “Want to talk about it?” She’d relish the distraction in trying to make him feel better.
"Taryn, love" he began, opening his eyes just enough to see her properly. "I've had enough drama and tension for one day. I know you well enough to know when you're trying to sound calmer than you are."
He lifted his head a little to look at her directly. And waited.
Taryn nodded and looked down at her hands. It would be nice to get it off her chest and not be alone. “It’s nothing. Probably nothing. I just didn’t want to give you more to fuss over when you’ve had a bad day, but…”
She let out a deep breath and extracted the parchment from her pocket and handed it over, just as the kettle started to sound. She rose, letting him read it on his own, and poured the water. She retrieved the bottle and set it on a tray with the full tea service and brought the whole thing back to the table. She set it down and then sat, watching him, her stomach doing an interesting little knotted dance of nerves.
Matt frowned a little as he listened to her words, and even more so when the paper was handed to him. He was certainly worried, and her body language as she vanished and reappeared was not helping. His eyes glanced over the paper quickly and his eyes widened, a flicker of concern appearing before drawing the calmness back over his eyes. Matt's grip on the paper was tight, and he turned to look at Taryn as she sat back beside him.
"You're..? You think you're..?" he asked quietly, a part of him fighting to keep control of himself, not wanting to upset her by his reaction, wanting to be supportive but not quite sure how.
“I don’t know,” she replied, “maybe? Probably not?” She drew her legs up again, hugging them, staring at that stupid little bottle. It looked like it tasted terrible. Ugh.
“New year is always stressful, plus with wanting to get on top of the wedding planning, I haven’t felt myself, and that’s probably all it is, making me tired and upsetting my body, but I wanted to be sure. That’s all.”
She glanced up at him and reached out to take his hand. “I didn’t want you to have to worry about it until I knew, but…” A shrug. “There it is.”
Matt swallowed. This was... big. Even if the test was negative, it would be a turning point in their relationship, the first time after their engagement that they were faced with the future.
"I see" he said simply, taking her hand and squeezing, just trying to take these thoughts and new facts in without overloading her with his feelings. "So... How does it work?"
Taryn picked up the bottle, the green liquid oozing around inside it. “I drink this, and in a quarter of an hour, I’ll know.” She fiddled with the bottle before uncorking it with a quiet pop. No time like the present. She held it up in a mock toast and knocked it back, bracing herself for some atrocious flavor. Instead, it was a pleasantly light cherry. She lowered the bottle and blinked at it, surprised at this surprise.
“So.” She said, setting it down and reaching for the teapot. This was maybe a little weird now.
Matt sat quietly, his silence almost reverent. He wasn't sure what his own feelings were on the subject, and whether he'd be terrified or delighted should the news be a positive result, but it seemed like he ought to be taking this seriously no matter what. He was a little surprised at her toasting gesture and looked taken aback, hoping that he hadn't somehow offended her - but right now, he just didn't know what to say or do to make her feel better. Or to make himself better, come to think of it.
"Here, let me" he said, getting up to pour the tea as a way to fill the silence.
“Oh, thanks,” she said, offering him a faint smile as she folded her hands in her lap. She could still taste the potion, and imagined she could feel it working its way through her, into her blood. It was like a tingle, making its little journey. She tried not to think about it, she’d know soon enough and then she’d be able to just move on.
She lifted her arms to the table, folding them and leaning in, watching Matt at work. One of them had to talk about it, right? They couldn’t just pretend. “I don’t know what I want,” she admitted, “is it possible to want both outcomes at the same time? Like…” And she smiled at this. “It would be wonderful… But, I’m not sure it’s the right time?”
She leaned in and rested her chin on her folded arms. “Or maybe it is.” A sigh as she flicked her eyes up to his. “What are you thinking?”
Matt closed his eyes again briefly. Of all the questions to ask... Did it have to be now? He didn't want to say one thing in case the outcome went the other way, especially if Taryn was pregnant and it came out sounding like he didn't want their child. Merlin.
He nodded a little. "I understand" he replied, completely understanding the concept of joy and terror at the same time. "I... I don't know. It's a bit of a shock that it's a possibility, to be honest." They'd been so careful. Where was the possible broken link in the chain? Had they really fucked up somewhere? His brows were furrowed, thinking.
“And it shouldn’t be possible,” she replied, “we did everything right, but I’ve been feeling weird, which is probably just normal weirdness, so I just wanted to know…” It sounded lame, it sounded like an excuse, and she felt like a failure. They’d been careful, and somehow she’d - or her body at least - had gone and given a great big ‘screw you’ to all the precautions.
She sighed and rested her forehead on her arms, hiding her face. “I’m sorry,” she said, her voice muffled. She knew, really, it wasn’t her fault, and that it would all be okay no matter what, but she felt the need to apologize anyway.
"Hey, hey..." Matt said instinctively, holding his arms out to her and pulling her close without a second thought. "We'll be alright. If it's positive... Well, it's because of both of us. We'll manage" he said tenderly, kissing the top of her head. "And if it's not, not to worry, right?"
He was trying to convince himself as much as her.
Taryn nodded and allowed herself to be wrapped up. He was completely right. It wasn’t like they were struggling or immature or whatever, they were stable and in love and it was in the plans for Someday, anyway. She closed her eyes and, for a moment, indulged in how nice it really would be. She’d wanted a kid of her own desperately for some time now, and now it could be real. Who cares if plans had to change?
She’d just snaked her arms around his back and was hugging him tightly when her eyes popped open. “Oh dear,” she said, alarmed. She hadn’t quite expected the potion to hit her quite that hard, and she had to go.
She untangled herself from Matt and dashed for the toilet, shutting the door behind her with a snap. There was a pause of about two minutes, a flush, and the door opened again.
Matt sat straight up in alarm as Taryn ran off, half getting up but his attention focused on the door shutting behind her. Shutting him out. Given his shock, it took him a minute or so to rise from the spindly dining room chair, before heading to wait outside the bathroom door. He sat on the floor, legs crossed, waiting for her exit.
Taryn emerged, feeling like she’d need to apologize for a whole lot of things at this point. She drew up short, seeing him on the floor, looking up at her, and she flushed. “Sorry,” she said, her voice steadier than she felt, “for worrying you. It’s… no. Negative. Nothing.”
She let out a breath. She should be relieved, right? So, why did it hurt so bad, like something had been taken away? Something she’d never had in the first place.
She crossed to where he was sitting and dropped to the floor next to him, laying her head on his shoulder. She didn’t know what to say, so she said nothing.
Matt’s blue eyes peered up at Taryn’s own, and he was about to get up to meet her when she flopped down, sitting on the floor beside him, having made her announcement. He let out a low breath of his own. It was a breath of relief, not quite ready yet to be a father, but he kept tight control of his expression. His priority was making sure Taryn was OK, and then he would allow himself time to ruminate on his thoughts.
Taking her hand and giving it a squeeze, Matt spoke softly. “Think we ought to get up off the floor?”
Taryn laughed quietly, rubbing at her eyes with the back of her hand. “But I just got comfortable…” A sniff and she nodded. “That’s a lie, it’s awful.” She put a hand on his shoulder to help herself up and then held her hands out to him.
Her eyes were not quite red, but ringed with tiny droplets. She could hold it together. Crying would be stupid, anyway. It’s not like this was a huge disappointment, right? Ugh.
“How about that tea?”
Allowing her to take his hand, but giving himself a boost up by pushing off the wall, Matt stood to his full height, stretched, and slung an arm loosely around Taryn’s shoulders. Once he had kissed her hair, he looked her in the eye again.
“Never mind tea. Let’s go and sit on the couch and talk for a bit… it looks like you need it, love.”
He made an ‘after you’ gesture with his free hand, and waited to escort her to the other room.
To be quite honest, Taryn was relieved at this suggestion. Sitting and curling up and working through it sounded like it would be more useful than caffeine. Caffeine could come after.
She kissed his cheek and then proceeded to the living room where she plopped down on the middle cushion of the sofa, waiting for Matt. She intended to curl against him immediately, because the warm, fragrant, solidity of him was always a source of comfort.
She rubbed at her eyes again, which were threatening tears. “Sorry,” she said for what felt like the thousandth time. “This is all a mess and I’m a mess and I dragged you in when I didn’t have to and…” A sigh.
“Woah, woah, woah” Matt said worriedly, sitting down immediately to rub Taryn’s tense, sore looking shoulders. “Where has all of this come from?” This had to be more than just an outpouring of feeling after the stress of a suspected pregnancy. He knew Taryn - knew what she was like when stressed and upset, at least. This did not seem normal.
He pulled his legs up onto the couch, coaxing Taryn into the gap between them as he lay down. From this position she could lie on his chest and he could put his arms around her, and hopefully she would be more comfortable.
Matt was absolutely right, this wasn’t normal, and Taryn knew it. She’d learned early on to handle these sorts of situations with calm and strength, but at the moment, she felt anything but. She’d worked herself up, even convinced herself that it would be nice to be a mother, and then had it taken away. She was not handling it well.
She lay across Matt, her favorite position, and let out a breath. “Ever since Annest got pregnant,” she said quietly against his chest, “it’s sparked a want in me. I want a baby of my own, I do, and for a bit, I thought maybe….” Another sigh. “And now I feel stupid for getting my hopes up.”
Matt was doing his best, he really was. This was a step into the unknown, and he had always been nervous with such things (really, his inner Gryffindor was going to come out ONE DAY) - but as Taryn lay against his chest, so trusting and full of love, he could feel his heart racing.
“So when you took the test… you were hoping it was going to be positive?” he asked, his voice still soft, hoping she was finding his tone of voice soothing as he sought the clarification he needed.
“To be honest,” Taryn said, running her fingertips over his shirt fabric, “I don’t know what I wanted. Bit of both, really.” She shifted so she could look up at him. “There’s time, and it’s better to wait until we’re married, but… There was a nice bit of hope, too.”
She laid her head back down, comfortable again. “It wasn’t until it was definitely a no that I realized how sad it made me.” She wiped at her eyes with her hand again.
“But, it’s okay. It’ll be good when it happens.”
“Oh, love” he whispered, his lips murmuring gently against her soft hair. As he planted another kiss on her brow, he closed his eyes and thought. Hard.
“If I’m honest” he hesitated, “I don’t really know what to say. I mean, if it was after the wedding, it would be something we could both expect might happen, you know? It’s not that I’m glad it didn’t happen now, don’t get me wrong” (except he really was thinking that), “but I don’t think I would have felt ready yet. It’s something I’d have preferred time to mentally prepare for, I think.”
Taryn nodded. “I understand. Planning is better. Timing, preparation. Those are things we should do.” She propped herself up a bit to look at him properly. “I want a kid with you someday, it will be, probably, the best thing that has ever happened, but we should do it right, no matter how much my stupid hormones are yelling at me.” She gave a little laugh and leaned up to kiss him lightly.
“Sorry for being insane.”
“You definitely don’t have to apologise for having feelings” he said, touching his nose lightly to hers. “Of course it’s something I want one day… I guess I’d just rather it be something we can both be really excited for rather than completely terrified about… does that make sense?”
He just hoped she wasn’t disappointed in him. While the thought of parenthood was terrifying, the thought of one day cradling his baby in his arms, knowing that Taryn would be the mother of his children… a small bundle with tufts of dark blonde hair and blue eyes, a mixture of the both of them… he’d tear up, he knew it.
“It makes sense,” Taryn replied, then smiled faintly. “Though I think there’s always the potential for terror, even amongst excitement and rigid planning.” She sniffed a little, no longer outwardly sad, but still recovering. She lay her head back down.
“But it’s okay to daydream, right?”
“Of course it’s OK to daydream” he replied, stroking her arm as he spoke. “I guess it’s just better to be prepared in your head for what might come, you know? I guess, now we’ve had this…”, well, he wasn’t sure what to call it, “now it’s something that’s in the realms of possibility, it’s something we can start thinking about, I guess.”
He now lay back flat on the couch, his back propped up by the arm and a handy cushion. Finally, his body was letting him relax.
Taryn had to smile. “It’s very possible, and I’d love to think about it, but I can’t promise that it won’t make me a little wistful now and then. But waiting is better.”
She knew they’d be okay, no matter what happened.